Aired 12 years ago - Apr 01, 2012
Hank discovers the bartender at a local watering hole is his late friend Lew Ashby and wonders if he's in Hell. Richard makes a startling announcement about Hank and Karen. Hank tries to make things right with Becca, but her news about Tyler leaves
him stunned. On the set of "Santa Monica Cop," Sam's jealousy and fondness for firearms give Charlie an opportunity to show how much he loves his best friend and number-one client; Hank's arsonist ex-girlfriend surprises him with a way for them to be together forever.
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So what's going on?
And I'm a wild animal.
But I can no longer
be your husband.
Listen...
in the blink of a fucking eye.
man, it's just a way
to keep her at arm's length.
- Okay, okay, I got it.
- No, no.
We pack a bag,
and we drive to the airport.
Here, tonight,
have dinner with me...
but I also need
a little one too.
Your work is done, dad.
I am who I am.
Ha, you're funny.
I said yes.
- I want to tell her myself.
- All right.
So what happened?
Oh, thank God.
with their tight pussies
and their perfect tits.
That's so good.
You're talking!
I know, right?
Here, you're too upset.
And I've got a fucking actor who
won't come out of his trailer?
Listen, this is
a producer-driven medium,
You didn't have to cause
such a ruckus.
Now I gotta fucking kill
that little cracker, man.
Exactly. And I can be pushed
to the brink, man.
I still think I should ice
that motherfucker.
that stupid fucking
marriage proposal, you hear me?
wording to the wise.
One...
We working here.
Yo, I gotta bring down
the fucking apocalypse
Don't worry, Tyler.
It's a fake gun.
But I did.
I didn't mean to.
it's hard not to want
to do it again, right?
Yeah, but both times
I accused y'all of fucking,
What, you gonna fucking
videotape my shit
Oh, God, I'm knockin'
on heaven's door here.
I am so sorry!
I love you so much!
♪ radiance swallowed in light ♪
No, no, you tell him yourself.
That little mutant needs
a father more than ever now.
Oh, oh, oh, a-and wait.
No, it's just little old me.
Oh, well,
I'm--I'm sorry to hear that.
Be honest.
Aired 12 years ago - Mar 25, 2012
Hank overstays his welcome at the house of Karen and Richard and hits the road with one last stop at Malibar, where he runs into Lizzie, who uses her newly acquired acting chops to lure him back to the Runkle Manor. Once there, Hank is surprised by
everyone he loves and loathes: Karen, Becca, Charlie, Marcy, Stu, Richard and his creepy sponsor, Gabriel. Even Sam and Kali show up, but it's not a party until someone gets hurt and luckily for these partygoers, Hank has it in him for one final run-in with Tyler.
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So you ready to come back to me yet?
Well, maybe you should realize
my limitations
And Lizzie gave Stu a blowie
in exchange for a role
Be gone with you.
Oh.
Whatever.
Shit happens.
- and wetting our whistles there?
- What about Charlie?
Oh, dear.
Everyone I love and loathe
all in one room.
It's always the same thing, you know,
I mean, I appreciate you coming
to the send-off and all,
That's what I was doing,
and he kicked me out for it.
- Here, motherfucker.
- No, no, no, no.
- Man, we good, right?
- I don't know, Sam.
But I had to improvise
around that pretentious shit
All right.
Good for you, man.
- Wow.
- Enjoying your par-tay?
We're just talking here.
I thought it was a blow job--
Ugh.
But I'm sure
it'll work itself out, you know.
Life's so much more interesting
when you're around.
- Oh.
- Can I join?
Do you hear
how sexually frustrated I am?
that I've been such a freak
about everything.
- K-i-s-s-i-n-g.
- You're so sweet, Charlie.
If you would be willing
to not blow anyone but me,
At the end?
We play all kinds
of crazy fucking sex games
You want to fuck?
Let's fuck.
Don't stare.
Oh.
Boring right now sounds like
the south of France to me.
Well, you were just totally sincere.
Okay, what can I say?
I'm all raw and churned up inside.
And don't get any weird ideas.
I wanted to get some fresh air.
Come on.
and just run down the street naked.
I've heard that before.
It doesn't end well.
And then you'd be in a world
of conflicted emotional shit.
Maybe that was just you.
Stop.
Then after that shit, I hit that bitch
Aired 12 years ago - Mar 18, 2012
Minus one agent and best friend, Hank crashes with his two favorite ladies, Karen and Becca. Looking for new representation, he meets with Hollywood power agent Larry Levine, who quickly sets a meeting with world-class filmmaker and Hank Moody idol
Lars Manderhoff. It may be a match made in heaven when Lars surprises Hank with one of his favorite working girls, Trixie (guest star Judy Greer). Distraught over his personal losses, Charlie seeks comfort from Marcy while Lizzie enjoys her big break, a part in "Santa Monica Cop" courtesy of Stu.
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with your current representation.
brilliant or baby?
Didn't mean to embarrass you.
- I love you.
- Mmm...
I just--it's--
it was such a long shot.
You sure?
I can be quick about it.
Well, my wildest dream
involves a three-breasted midget
Your former representative--
if I can even call him that--
I'm talking about, Hank.
I'm not talking to you, Stu.
Larry.
Motherfucker.
Whatever.
She blew me.
for my beloved wife.
How do you know
- Ja?
- Okay...Lars.
Yeah.
what real representation is like.
It's for an audition.
Did you give Stu a blow job?
But you might have
gotten the part anyway!
in just a matter of seconds?
Marcy can be really mean
to me sometimes.
Wish me luck.
And Karen?
So are you still hoping
for a reconciliation?
I'm sick of waiting.
Passion of the Christ or something.
when a whore cannot
get a man hard, eh?
He's--he's an artist.
Why do I keep fighting with directors?
It was nice to meet you
and, uh, you know,
Writer!
Would you like something to drink?
I know what this is about.
It's about Hank, right?
Okay, so Stu...
Who'd she bang?
I mean, I'm...
Uh...Weird.
Aired 12 years ago - Mar 11, 2012
On the first day of production on Hank Moody's latest movie "Santa Monica Cop," Stu has brought back his "F--king and Punching" director in hopes of creating a cinematic masterpiece, but Hank's rendezvous with the film's leading lady puts his
relationship with Sam in jeopardy. Luckily for Hank, Stu and the production's crew, Charlie has a backup plan.
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Oh, shit. That's right.
I forgot.
I told you it was stupid.
Sorkin passed, but he's a fan.
You know, I think
this is brilliant, Sam.
Me and my boys are gonna go
smoke some fucking weed,
Usually, you're forged of iron.
- without conflict?
- Absolutely...
Oh, um...
You've got to let the cash
be your laxative, Hank.
- I-I'm just the writer.
- And I'm just the girl.
but you don't have to show them to me.
and you're appealing
to my subversive nobility.
Just saying.
You don't think it's appropriate,
Who else are you meeting with?
then I might as well take off.
Good luck with all the dress-up
and the make-believe.
of teenage boys
with those pound puppies.
This is like some serious
merchant ivory shit here.
I cast her, you fucking prick.
She can blow whoever she wants.
I think I'll be fine.
- I got this one idea where--
- You know what?
who are genuinely excited
about being in business with me.
You're weird, dude.
Do you see that guy in there?
You're kidding me, right?
♪ run away from you, oh ♪
I aim to please.
That's awesome.
which I think is probably
a good thing.
You don't want to do this,
not over a silly blow job.
Yo, jestering is
a noble profession, Hank.
♪ whoo ♪
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I did anything
to endanger your face.
This bitch's got my heart
ping-ponging back and forth,
Normally, I would
pistol-whip a motherfucker
Ahh.
He slapped me in the face with it.
who would allow himself
to be humiliated like that.
Yeah.
Yeah, let's do it.
It's better if it looks
like you took advantage of me.
I'll be in touch.
Aired 12 years ago - Mar 04, 2012
Hank is stuck reading Tyler's screenplay but discovers some talent under that head of hair, even though the script appears to be disturbingly autobiographical account of the author's relationship with Becca. Charlie and Lizzie's love quadrangle with
Stu and Marcy heats up, but when their bedroom games hit too close to home for Charlie, it may be off to therapy for all four of them.
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It's also disgusting, actually.
I'm glad you still find time
to emasculate me
How the fuck did that happen?
Today's family day.
Well, for one, it's very dirty.
A father sure can hope.
I got his address.
Look, right here.
Baby, he just brings it out in me.
about using sex as a weapon.
I don't like this thing
with these stones.
Yeah, you should go.
No.
Yeah.
Did you read Tyler's script?
Look, I know where this is going.
He--he can't
scratch that itch?
Okay, all right.
I'm gonna beat
the fuckin' bi out of you
but between my shitty car,
acting lessons,
God, I'm so hard right now.
What do you wanna play?
Yeah, I was sorry to see your
bald husband's in a wheelchair.
- Oh, my. Oh, my God.
- Yep.
with them growing up, these kids,
I-I think I'd rather see
crime scene photos.
because if the screams
that are coming from that room
But I don't wanna end up
in The Big Book of Cocks.
I can't believe that
you fucked your son's nanny.
And I play the boss
who comes to console you,
Lizzie, I'm sorry
about objectifying you there,
Once it's out, it's just--
it--it...it's out.
in which his ex-wife is now
sharing with her new husband.
Do you want me to go check
on him or am I fired?
And then you hand me a script
that I'd get to meet you
at some point, you know?
Yeah, actually.
and I still don't know
what the fuck I'm doing.
Well, Richard came clean about
the whole stripper thing, and...
Thank you.
Thank you.
Aired 12 years ago - Feb 19, 2012
Hank saves Karen from embarrassment with a drunk Richard, then covers for Richard by pretending to be dating a stripper named Holly, who takes a liking to Tyler and offends his girlfriend, Becca. Meanwhile, when she's fired after an inappropriate
encounter with Stu, nanny Lizzie calls on Charlie and allows their relationship to progress, only to have Marcy beg for her return.
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Been there.
- No?
- Tummy troubles, actually.
and after that, it's just
a blur of titties and beer.
And she appears to have
your wedding ring, too.
and I'm totally sympathetic,
but he did pay me with it.
Come on.
Well, no, actually.
As in, fired you?
Why?
Very.
So, what happened?
- So, you were naked.
- Completely.
Now, just so I'm clear,
you were totally naked?
Some taken.
- Jesus.
- Not really.
How 'bout a breath mint, dude?
Yo! I'm done.
of some of the greatest movie
stars in the world,
I know what it's like to be
hit on by pretty young things
I have a pitch to a client tomorrow.
and I--and I wanna apologize for
that weirdness this morning.
I found this on the bedroom floor,
Oh, God.
I'm sorry.
Mm-hmm. It's been a pleasure
doing business with you, Hank.
Come here.
uh, Mander...Hoff Canyon.
No, she's just workin'
her way through school.
It's okay. I just--
I-I got scared.
Well, you certainly got
the beauty part down pat.
I don't work
for Stu and Marcy anymore.
It's like, do you go to the cinema,
So good with their
fuckin' hands! Right?
Oh, I did that once!
At Vince Neil's house,
- Trader Joe's.
- Yeah.
Totally.
And she's not the one pissing
"like a fuckin' racehorse."
Mm-hmm.
That...was exquisite!
Thanks.
Well, I haven't officially
accepted the position yet.
I know they're in there.
Come on. Like this.
Aired 12 years ago - Feb 12, 2012
When Samurai Apocalypse hits a lyrical roadblock with his protege, he calls on the best writer he knows: Hank Moody, who unites with Kali to imbibe, bear his soul, and write a song that takes Hank back in time to an era when he, Karen and Charlie
were happier and life was simpler before "A Crazy Little Thing Called Love." But the present comes roaring back when Karen shows up at Hank's door, worried that she made a mistake.
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Oh, all right.
Yeah, well, this bitch
ain't no fuckin' Bernie Taupin.
Next!
I-I think everybody's
got that special someone
coming to L.A.
for the first time.
Oh, I got a good feeling
about this place.
- And the homeless.
- Which would surely alleviate
You really sure about this?
- Really?
- Yes.
Your loss--
that could be
Okay, no fun, no fun.
He didn't like...
the attention I was getting
- Oh.
- Sorry.
we're still looking at places.
He needs to be here.
I love you.
I cannot wait to get started.
and get you up to speed.
And I wanted to...
Didn't look back.
Yes, and I only want to fuck you.
And you're incredibly incredible.
Now, come on.
I'm just kidding.
and how sad and scared.
You know, and you blow them up
into these mythical characters
Because, no matter how messy...
That's a good word.
But it's also very dark
and bittersweet.
Well, then you probably
shouldn't mention it.
- What does that mean?
- Nothin'.
Let's not and say we did.
Yeah.
who gives a fuck where we live, right?
- No, I'm not.
- Yeah, you are.
There you go, buddy.
Aired 12 years ago - Feb 05, 2012
Charlie's boyhood dream is realized and Hank's worst nightmare comes true when Samurai Apocalypse invites the boys on a ride-along with the Santa Monica Police Department and takes them on a joyride that goes sexually awry for Charlie; Richard hits
the bottle at a crowded Venice restaurant but Hank and the boys arrive to save the day for Karen and Becca, and Tyler realizes he's seen Sam somewhere before.
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You should be focused
on protecting my ass,
Worst agent ever.
I feel like crushing one
of your testicles right now.
I like it.
A'ight.
And stop touching stuff.
even the lamest ideas
in an effort to maximize...
Nah, man, it's based in Santa Monica.
That depends really,
Bet he was black.
Was he black?
and pretend to shoot her in the head
You need me to talk slower?
Banging a fucking fireman.
You believe that shit?
75, she'll let you tase her.
What's happening?
then I'll take care of you.
the entire time though, Runks.
I don't think that's
a very good idea, Sam.
Whe--
and it's pissing me the fuck off.
For what, being a fucking rapist?
Yeah, you probably want
to put that on speaker.
No, I do want witnesses, man,
♪ can't stop us now ♪
Officer, I think
someone's following me.
All right, all right, what do you say
So what's the move here,
Who likes to see a lady in danger?
Well, how 'bout a good
old-fashioned blowjob?
He's really pissed.
He misses you.
I am watching myself.
- You been drinking?
- No, sir, not at all.
I'm sure she got
a very drinkable pussy.
Wait, you know this guy?
Oh, shit!
for, mmm, about 10,000 hours.
Of course.
Didn't you know?
- Sting says that?
- Yep, he sure does.
Yeah, I relate.
Jesus.
before the law gets here?
I gotta tell you,
This could be
pretty hard to tuck in a minute.
Okay, I'm sorry, all right?
I feel bad.
Aired 12 years ago - Jan 29, 2012
Hank receives an unwelcome surprise in the form of Carrie, ex-girlfriend and arsonist that he's forced to invite along when Karen and Becca show up to invite him to a dinner party. Stu, Marcy and Bates' talk of sexual proclivities leaves the Moodys
searching for the nearest exit, but the party gets even more out of control when Carrie has a realization about Hank. Meanwhile, Charlie goes on a blind date with Mary, a "nice girl" who's more than a little inexperienced.
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- That's crazy.
- Mm-hm.
I never know if we're speaking
metaphorically or not,
- So it could be a while.
- Okay, listen, listen, listen.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
- My heart is hungry.
- Oh, famous?
- In some circles.
Yes--yes,
she's seen some shit.
other writers' successes.
Oh, yeah, they're not really friends.
We have fun.
We're so good together, Hank.
I think I might be going
straight to Blowjob City.
Hi, you must be Carrie.
- The worst.
- I could stay home.
I was trying to talk you up,
not have you arrested.
to the bravest, most erotic book
- So Carrie, I have to ask.
- Yes, Karen.
or the environment or--
and then, maybe, you know,
I was borderline frigid, actually.
Will you save room for me?
Dildo, perhaps.
That's what I would say.
having one's prostate stimulated.
not comfortable with.
Sword fights, perhaps?
That incredibly awkward silence.
in a long time.
Awesome! Books!
Excellent topic.
I think it's a little something
they call...
- Ew!
- What's wrong with you?
Sex should have a very strict
three-act structure.
- Or in that bedroom.
- I gotta say something.
- Mm.
- Mm--Charlie.
Ever?
I've been sitting around
waiting for Mr. Right
Okay, well, I understand
to collect my hymen
and I shall bequeath it to you!
- I'm--I'm sorry.
- Ugh.
That's it?
- I agree. I agree. I agree.
- Uh.
and texted him back.
- That's fucked up.
- No, you know what's fucked up?
Oh, I hear you, dick.
Actually, it's kind of hilarious.
But you, you have--
you have nothing.
you were always honest with me,
Mm.
Took me back
to some of our greatest hits.
But I don't want you to be lonely.
Aired 12 years ago - Jan 22, 2012
Hank hands a completed draft of "Santa Monica Cop" over to Samurai Apocalypse, but he still finds himself stuck in L.A. when he's asked to take Kali, his "acquaintance" from the flight to Los Angles, out for a night on the town. Tyler crashes at
Karen and Becca's house while he recovers from his injuries. Charlie is rescued from a serious parental crisis by Stuart's nanny, Lizzie.
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It's what that pansy-ass
little pussy fart
Oh...
Well, yeah, but you think
everyone's an asshole.
Yeah...
Karen, is dinner ready yet?
Aww!
Mm.
skullduggerous little manwhore.
Little baby Einstein, perhaps.
Who knows.
Right, right.
When girls were magical
creatures who didn't go ATM.
Hey, what's the matter, huh?
Oh, no.
Ohhhhh!
I'm excited to read this shit, yo.
No, no, no, I gotta run.
I gotta go.
Or is she just hot
beyond logic and reason?
I do like when a girl come home
from a club, though.
- I gotta run.
- Look, look...
And your fuckin' penis.
Hmm.
♪ I need you I need you ♪
Don't look like that
and talk like that.
Oh yeah, laugh.
Laugh at the torso guy.
'Cause I might have to put hands
on you.
You know, it's not like we're
exclusive to each other.
Hold my purse.
I also have a failed marriage,
You're insane.
to finger banging
in a matter of seconds.
No, I mean you could get an infection.
Hey, who's this clown?
- Gladly.
- No, no, no.
Broseph--yeah, yeah,
of course, everyone does.
You see that?
What'd I tell you?
Say what you want, but this is
where dreams come true.
I don't think you have anything
to worry about.
- Maybe just one.
- Oh, yes. Of course.
Yeah, well you seemed like you
were really relaxed.
Kind of limited, boring white guy.
- Ha ha ha.
- I'm in character.
Aired 12 years ago - Jan 15, 2012
Hank passes on writing Samurai Apocalypse's new movie but Sam won't take no for an answer and drags Hank to a meeting with director Peter Berg, where they discover that Hank and Peter have shared more than just a love of the written word. Sam takes
it on himself to get rid of Tyler, which makes things worse between Hank and Becca. Co-parents Charlie, Marcy and Stu have their hands full when Little Stuart exposes himself to a preschool classmate, and Charlie takes it upon himself to mend fences with the offended girl's attractive mother.
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but I'm not sure if
the feelings are reciprocated.
Oh, no.
What are you doin' over there?
Made you look.
Well, you can,
You're right.
Dad, during your tenure
as a college professor,
- You already have one.
- That she does.
and samurai swords.
and had these delicious little
smoochable cupcake babies.
No, no, it-it's not the money.
I just don't want to.
Nigger, you don't be fuckin'
the same kind of crazy pussy
why you want to be
in the Apocalypse business, man.
and he was manipulating it.
Perhaps an apology.
Are you gonna be paying their salary?
All right, how am I supposed to know?
- No.
- Little dap?
I feel like we're about to
roll into the Warsaw ghetto.
Lookin' good, man.
Concrete, concrete, baby.
Nah, he's with me, yo.
He's gonna be writin' my shit.
I'm gonna go drop some heat.
Y'all chop it up, a'ight?
Oh really?
You're no threat to me?
which actually I still have.
She actually made me reconsider
all the fucked up shit I'd done
For years, I've been tormented
by the image of my girl,
Aw, man, I'll kill that
motherfucker that touch my girl.
Hello, Ava.
Ava's cried herself to sleep
every night since the incident.
Actually, uh,
he's kind of a bully, in fact.
It's just shitty fuckin' luck.
Check this shit--
I ain't got no fuckin' medical!
I don't want to
take Ava out of broken arrow.
My...
What's it like...
Hey, are you lookin' for a new gig?
What do you think?
So what's this gonna be?
Hank.
What's up, man?
Is she aware of how loose
this arrangement is?
Aired 12 years ago - Jan 08, 2012
In the Season 5 premiere, a few years have passed and Hank is living in New York but looking for a ticket out of town after his latest breakup. He accepts an invitation from Charlie to come to Los Angeles for a job writing a film starring
rapper/actor Samurai Apolcaypse, then reunites with Karen, her former professor and now-husband Richard, and his daughter Becca, who now has a boyfriend named Tyler that is the spitting image of Hank himself ... in the worst possible way.
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Can you book me on the next-ish flight
to this coast of which you speak?
Usually, I get on a plane,
I'm seated next to John Candy,
- Sorry.
- Well, you'd better be, pal.
Wow.
- Excuse me?
- Go. Go sit with your wife.
You mean my epic love story
for the ages isn't pure panty-peeler?
I guess we shouldn't ruin it
by keeping in touch or anything.
You did not experience
my best work, lady.
made me feel closer
to my brother from another mother.
What? It's a compliment.
I'd still totally do you.
And how could I pass up an opportunity
to gaze upon my ladies?
In fact, that's exactly
the kind of frown I'd give you
Who are you?
And I'm not jumping through
any hoops to land this thing,
Goddamn it! No, harder.
because my rock-hard endowment
Yeah, well, Irma was supposed
to be watching him.
I'm going through
a real sexual renaissance.
What are we doing here?
We came for the meeting.
And I pass.
I don't even know
the motherfucker's real name.
Got the fat-ass Scarface crib,
crazy rides,
I don't know.
It's not really my thing.
And you.
I could see him sticking.
Well, har-dee-har-har, Karen.
So funny, I forgot to laugh.
and you question his motives.
It's totally understandable.
OK, it's on me,
the designated asshole.
But because of my foolishness,
you don't have to make the same ones.
I don't like it. Not one bit.
Yes. You said so earlier.
He's like me, only awesomer.
Yeah, who can blame you?
It's a nice life.