Aired 5 years ago - May 22, 2013
Everyone flies down to Florida to be with Phil after his mom's passing. Claire helps Phil with Gracie's last wish for Frank, and the kids reflect on the gifts grandma left for them. Gloria has to contend with an outstanding arrest warrant in
Florida, Cam finds himself fitting right into an elderly women's group at Frank's retirement community, and Jay runs into a pivotal person from his past.
- I said, why don't you and that...
- That book get a room, yeah.
"who looked a little like Heather
Locklear, only with bigger jugs,"
"Zanzibar knew he couldn't control
his space horniness any longer,"
Hey, if you ask daddy, he might even
give you some money to do it yourself.
You're putting me in a
real awkward position here.
Oh, damn you, Chris!
Look what you've done!
So, computer, what are you
thinking about right now?
you could loan me
$7 billion to publish it.
I look forward to having a raging semi!
Well, then we are on
two different wavelengths.
"or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish,"
by Peter Griffin.
Wow! You know, from the other
side, that's kind of annoying.
Mr. Pewterschmidt, I'm Scott
Greenberg, attorney at law.
Your fat bastard husband ruined me!
Look, you can stay with us
if you want, you filthy hobo.
Hi, i'm Julia Roberts.
You right, Lois. Who the hell am
I kidding? I can't live like this.
Well, that's the end of Puss.
is preparing to begin the floor routine.
It's what us regular people do.
So don't try to deny it, pretty baby
maybe being a regular
person does suck.
and I'm looking for the
son of a bitch responsible.
You sure this is going to work, Peter?
Why can't I eat it now?
I promised myself that I'd save
it for the man that I marry.
I do res...
I totally respect you.
- He's that kind of...
- No, forget it, forget it.
I don't see that happening.
I'll probably just cancel it
before you can use it, so...
- Thank you... I guess.
Oh, yeah, what, uh,
just a week ago, I think.
A fate worse than death.
- We own half of CNN.
because money just
Aired 5 years ago - May 15, 2013
Phil gets a new RV for a fun family road trip. Jay and Gloria search for Manny's backpack. Lily's gymnastics meet brings out Cam and Mitch's competitive spirit.
Not for long with that
You want to go behind
the Applebee's and do it?
- Oh, my God, what are you doing?
- Think I was like a birthday present...
Oh, we got into a little
accident. It's all right.
Oh, Peter, that could be fun.
Let's see the gross half of your
face so I can get out of here.
There it is.
And this is Lois.
Regardless of the tribe
You know, it would be fun
to write some new songs.
You son of a bitch!
What the hell?
Yeah, yeah, that song sucks.
Hey, Meg, I need to see the mayor
about this $400 parking ticket.
Somebody's got to stand up and
prove to this town that he's a crook.
Ooh, scandal in Quahog.
Count me in.
Mayor West hasn't slept
at home for three nights.
But I guess there'd be a lot of tubes.
Eh, I don't know, Lois.
I don't think this is gonna work.
That's, that's my
favorite picture of Brian,
and realized I was out of line.
Uh, I'm just here to apologize.
Hey, can you guys hold on a sec?
I gotta get this to Helen in Accounting.
I'm not gay!
Brian, did you know
this couch was here?
to see just how filthy this seemingly
clean hotel room really is.
Truly, truly, truly outrageous.
- Meg and Adam West.
Well, I've got the
disguises right here.
Oh, Mayor West,
Uh, yeah. Uh...
Oh, my God, I have a great idea.
Let's make cookies!
You're an alien. I know.
Well, Meg, I'm a public figure.
I'm used to the tabloids' doodie.
I got so caught up in taking
down Mayor West, that I
Aired 5 years ago - May 08, 2013
Mitch's ex-boyfriend, a personable and successful doctor, invites the whole family to a fundraising event at a roller rink; Phil teaches Gloria how to skate; Haley helps Alex talk to boys.
- One that makes you half a man
- You're half a man
You make a small incision in the
When you do it with your wife
And it's like why do you wear
that if you don't want attention?
Like, ridiculously huge for someone
who has to talk about that kind of stuff
A bunch of the guys on the
force have had vasectomies,
I don't know, Cleveland. It didn't work
out so great that time I froze my nuts.
It might be stuck to a tree or a rock.
Yeah. Uh, I kind of, uh, warmed myself
up in the car, if you catch my drift.
I think I feel them moving.
It's a boy!
seeing as how I'm not a real man anymore.
I got to go meet Cleveland,
Joe and Quagmire down at...
You, did you get me my Cheese Whiz, boy?
Oh, that was a tricky one.
Bertram! I haven't seen you since
our microscopic encounter.
So be it. I'll do to you what
B.C. does to comedy on a daily basis.
I'm just gonna grab something,
too, and go back to bed.
She's got elbow cleavage.
Do it again, Griffin.
It's five pounds at the most.
It's not a big deal.
He wants fat?
Behold the armada!
What took you so ugly?
- On television?
- Come on, we got to get you out of here.
A couple more oatmeal
baths and you'll be all better.
Well, kids, just when I thought we'd
never find and assistant coach,
This Friday on TNT, the world
premiere of Morgan Freeman in
Why, even right now,
I'm just sitting in a chair
No, I haven't. Maybe she's out
looking for a man who can satisfy her.
- Ow! Lois, that hurts!
- Peter, if you'll just stop for one second...
Lois, last night was amazing!
You've got the best Spike Lee stories.
It will please me.
You have an annoying habit of
turning up where you're not welcome.
Aired 5 years ago - May 01, 2013
Phil is jazzed to share the wonders of residential real estate with Luke and Manny's classmates for career day. Gloria challenges Jay's claims of always wanting to become a novelist. Mitch and Cam make a costly mistake while executing tooth fairy duties.
and I've never heard you mention
anything about writing.
- What? No way!
- Oh, that's so exciting!
- What? Okay.
- Wow. Look at that.
is criticizing someone who
made an honest mistake
and I no longer have to carry
crayons in my front pocket.
Athens and Sparta,
Kerrigan and Harding,
Instead, I'd like you to watch
as I converse with a young man
Real estate? Isn't that just
buying and selling houses?
- I put a "Spanish" couple
into a Spanish home. - Gil.
And I have a very funny story, actually.
Thank you, Mr. Thorpe.
Uh, what that means
is I actually have
But when my kids came along,
I just wanted to be there.
No. I-I didn't win.
Oh, so there was no one at home
to teach you not to interrupt?
All right! All right!
and told them that you can't come in
You're gonna be long gone by then.
Well, um, thanks
for rescuing me in there.
Are you offering me a job?
- Yeah. Yeah. Take your time. No pressure.
Really? I don't get much mail.
See, "dear Lily, I'm writing
because I made a mistake
Uh, well, it sounds
like she's really in a jam.
"I mean, what's the point
Are you kidding?
What's your last name?!
I can't be the only one
who gets hungry in there!
I think Claire's going through
some pretty dark stuff,
I'm racking my brain
for a compliment here.
"Chuck Stone smiled
and lit a cigarette,
- Let's do this.
- All right.
Are you really the tooth fairy?
Is this about the money again?
Why did you lie?
You said lying was wrong.
- Don't you?
You've got a hundred dollars.
- I'd rather not say.
I'm just messing with ya.
This was between us.
You don't bring family into it.
You know what?
We're gonna tell your mom
How was your first day of writing?
Just... there were
no cell phones in 1965.
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 10, 2013
Phil gets desperate when Cam and Claire's flipped house is more difficult to sell than expected; Javier brings his new girlfriend along to visit Manny.
Yeah, well, um,
here's a suggestion. Um...
- Uh, how's everything else going?
Boy, imagine what it would be
like to be a big shot.
You've got till 5:00, you hear me?
You got till 5:00.
- Hey, Peter Griffin, is that you?
- Hey, Mike, long time no see.
Oh man, I got to tell you,
you kick ass, man.
Peter, I know you're humiliated,
but getting drunk is not the answer.
I've never a seen a guy your size
who could move like that.
Our top story tonight, we go live
to terrific haircut Bob Costas,
What do you think of that?
Diane, didn't your first husband
blow his brains out?
Oh, I am so happy
for you, Peter.
110%. Huh? Come on, let's go.
Let's go. Good game!
Yeah. Yeah. How-How much
you pay for that fake moustache?
Well, that's not gonna come out.
You better take a shower.
I say, what the devil is all
the fuss about? I don't get it.
We're just a couple of guys messing
around. That's what we are.
you'll be driving your new Hyundai
or Subaru right to a touchdown.
I don't know, Chris.
And I'm starting to get worried.
Where the hell is Griffin?
It's almost time for kickoff.
Griffin, I'm getting really
tired of your cocky attitude.
Shipoopi, Shipoopi, Shipoopi
Si, la, so, fa, mi, re, do
Look at her now, she's a go-gal.
Who only goes for me
But you can win her yet
You can win her...
And the only one that'll take you,
You shot me in both my
knees then lit me on fire.
Peter, this is crazy.
I'm the quarterback, Lesley.
This is our team.
All this will I do
If you'll marry me.
All right, well, where is she?
'Cause I need her now!
It, too, is called condensation.
Look, Peter, I know you're upset
And we'll challenge
the Patriots to a game,
I'm calling to challenge you
to a grudge match
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 03, 2013
At the hospital Claire and Phil see the older version of their family; Mitchell and Cameron plan a day for Lily and Gloria; Manny and Jay go to a private school to look around.
- I'll see you, honey. I'll be back in a...
- Joe, are you all right?
- You need to get out of the house.
- I don't know. I'm a little depressed.
Listen, Sarah. I can't be in your club.
I'm not a lesbian.
Do you have any other friends
to invite to your party?
Sunshine Bear! Wait!
That you don't have that blue vein up there
that some of the bigger ones get.
Excuse me. I got a thing to do.
It was amazing. I got to tell you, he said some
things that were exactly what I needed to hear
I feel more exhilarated
than Peter did when he swam with the bulls.
Brian, when you wear that suit, it looks like
you're taking a white poop. But it stuck.
Then they can say,
"I'm not going to pick up those cards. "
Whoa, easy, kid. These people
paid good money to get in here.
- Figure it out for yourself.
- We're freezing our asses off over here.
- I can't hear you over my central heating.
- Go to hell!
- What is this, Lois?
- It's jambalaya. It's a new recipe.
Peter! You know, some people
would be very happy to have this food.
Peter! Meg, you are not a lesbian.
Oh, yeah. He's... He was right here,
right next to me, like, four hours ago.
Here's where the story gets fun.
You may have noticed I'm missing an ear.
- My ear's in a cup. I guess that doesn't count.
- I'm not his baby-sitter. I have my own life.
Don't worry. I don't need to go to the hospital.
I'll just use this Mr Potato Head piece.
I just want to apolo... You know what?
Forget it. I don't need this. I'm outta here.
So just Pay It Forward
and we'll all be Happy Gilmore.
Come on, Meg, you can stop the charade.
I went into a store last week
and they wanted 800 bucks for a TV,
And sometimes I open the back part and pee
there, so when you flush, pee come out.
I could do without the Triscuits,
but they sure are good.
I hope it's OK if I pay you in pennies.
Is that why you've been
on this path to self-destruction?
Well, no wonder, Faith. That's not
baking powder. It's sneezing powder.
- Hey, Meg. What are you doing here?
- Sarah, I gotta get something off my chest.
What? So all those rounds of golf
we played, those were all lies?
That was awful. That was just awful.
What do you think, Mark?
Aired 5 years ago - Mar 27, 2013
Claire and Cam bring in a third party (Wendi McLendon-Covey) when they reach an impasse on a landscaping decision; Phil teaches basic fix-it skills to the kids; Mitch helps Lily with a bully.
it will be "numero uno."
because of all
the attention I give Joe?
and we both have a special day?
Hey, maybe she can take you.
Are you playing or not?
Well, I'm really good, too.
- Mm... - What is the one
thing this backyard is missing?
Like we need a white tiger.
You just throw numbers at me
to frighten and confuse me.
You know what?
I will not stand here
and it was great...
for about 20 minutes.
- How you doin'?
- Couldn't be better.
- So nice to see you.
- Nice seeing you.
that tradition continues.
You might find yourselves
living alone at some point.
Oh, my God,
we're literally in a closet,
Why is it not working?
and a fellow gay parent
at Lily's school.
- You, too.
- Pam is a licensed contractor.
Here-- just go ahead.
get me a T6 torx screwdriver.
Dad, help me.
that you were a pretty good
handball player back in the day.
I tried to put him in his place
on the handball court,
But you know what? It's gonna
more than make up for itself
Are you kidding?
What are you, like, 35?
Um, okay, well, you know, Pam,
to having a little drama
in the backyard.
I'm not, but I am enjoying
this little show tremendously,
Hey, isn't that Joe over there?
She's not a stranger.
She's Claire's friend.
or some rust,
and you're done for.
Oh, the old thumb.
No, your mom's a little tired
of hearing how pretty Claire is.
Okay, you're just screaming now.
And I'll be the happiest
father in sector 7...
Joe was asleep. He didn't even
know he missed the puppet show.
and they have tons of tickets
for tomorrow's show.
Fine. I lied,
but I earned that lie.
you get what you give.
Hello, one of Lily's dads.
Aired 5 years ago - Feb 27, 2013
Mitch and Cam's friend Sal announces she's getting married the next day and they are in the wedding; Gloria doesn't trust her new nanny; Claire bonds with Haley; Phil helps Luke with a girl.
Ow. Cup your hand.
Oh, my God. Are those new boots?
Phil, I think it's happening.
that says they're coming back.
If you want, I can pass her
a note in study hall.
Okay. Let's meet
by the front door, then.
Don't know what
she's talking about.
"What's the haps tonight?"
Kids don't eat dinner.
All right, let's go
before this wears off.
In every room of the house,
there comes a time when
you need to holster your weapons
- We'll go to movies...
- Take classes...
Oh, no, Mitchell. Come on.
You're a smart man,
All I could think about was Daliya.
A barn. The ladies
with the fruit on the head.
I'm gonna be at the bar
the whole time.
What if he's the guy?
Everybody shut up for a second!
Okay. That's good.
Get it all out.
So you wanna go back
to that vegan place?
- Well, that sounds cool.
- So you don't mind if I go?
So how is the big date going?
A girl could do a lot worse.
Because we're raising a child?
- You have to give me--
- Oh, well, this is a mystery solved.
We both know I know
how to use a credit card.
I mean, this was his idea.
Okay, you're being
really needy right now.
And I thought maybe
you were coming back around,
maybe I'd still be married.
But there was a lot of touching.
- Little bit of that?
Oh, my God, it looks like
a Madonna video in here!
So please, give us a minute.
That could be you.
Aired 5 years ago - Feb 20, 2013
Things get awkward when Phil shows up at Claire's college reunion; Jay is fixated on winning a big bowling tournament; a wig malfunction during an elaborate photo shoot with Joe leads to unfortunate results.
That's how I won friends
when I worked for E!.
All right. I'll do something special for her.
Stewie's really been acting out a lot at home
and I was just wondering,
- Peter's been preoccupied with work lately.
- What happens to us in the future?
- It's your kids. Something's gotta be done.
- Yeah. I mean, what's wrong with that?
- Nothing. It's nothing, I guess.
It seems your son's baseball
broke one of my windows the other day.
Until you pay off the debt,
you'll do whateverjob he wants you to.
All peoples must go through hard times.
We Jews are getting ours out of the way early.
I wanted to tell you Opie will not be receiving
employee of the month. He's being promoted.
- We need to talk about your son.
- The fat one or the funny-looking one?
OK. You can make a box fort. See?
Here's a box. You can pretend it's a fort.
Hey, remember those hot homeless twins
who live under the overpass? Last night...
Let me tell you, Tuesday afternoon is not
exactly their A squad. I saw bullet wounds.
Maybe next year, OK? I'll see you Friday
night. Tell your mother I sent the cheque.
That rice got you, bitch.
See if she's got any cash on her.
- I hope she can get out.
- I'm sure she'll be fine.
Sounded like a peeptoad, but it's not summer.
- Stewie, you're going to your room.
- I think not. Dad's got my back.
Sorry, Brian. It's just not doing it today.
Get out of here, you spineless oaf. And by
the way, I faked all those bowel movements.
I know you're mad, but when you see where
I'm taking you, you'll change your mind.
I'm still mad at you.
Oh, my God, he's gone.
Has anyone seen my son? Hello?
Well, well. A lost child.
Looks like we've got a new recruit.
You're free. Run back
to your individual countries of origin.
Aired 5 years ago - Feb 13, 2013
Claire and Phil's Valentine's Day romp ends with Claire in the hospital; Jay and Gloria's attempts at romance are interrupted by the kids; after hosting a wild party, Cam and Mitch are left with hangovers and a new housemate.
- This is Brian, our newest contributor.
- Hi, there. How's it going?
- Where are the toilets?
- No one at The New Yorker has an anus.
- Lance, I told you to fix that chair.
- I checked it earlier. It seems fine.
Cleveland's right. It seems it's our destiny
to be the A-Team after all.
If you have a problem, if no one else can help,
and if you can find them,
You went to Harvard? I'm an Ivy-League man
myself. I went to Brown.
It didn't work out too well for Kristy
McNichol, but then again, nothing did.
but, it's just not working out
and we've decided to go another way, so...
Boy, not graduating from college
has haunted me for years.
Hi, I'm your roommate Caleb.
I like cutting myself.
and we need money
for books and highlighters
- Stewie, you want more strained peas?
- What you talkin' 'bout, vile woman?
This is advanced physics, right?
that both of those men will rape you.
Now, Louie Anderson, our first test is Friday,
Don't you worry, sad little girl. The A-Team'll
get your beloved kitty down. Ready, boys?
We're the A-Team.
It's an MC Escher drawing.
I think it's called Crazy Stairs.
I am so all about Ultimate Frisbee.
I graded your assignments.
May I borrow your pen?
You know, I haven't taken a shower since we
got here. I totally reek, man. Check this out.
Oh, no, I take Stewie there all the time,
don't I, sweetie?
Well, all right. Make sure
you practise safe sex, Meg.
Dammit, Steve, you forgot
to put out the cheese and crackers.
before you came along I was so depressed
I was planning to kill myself.
You were supposed to get potato chips,
- Oh, baby.
- I thought about this all day.
Only way I'll pass is if I cheat. If I do, what
was the point of coming back to college?
We'll probably shoot the ground around you
to make you scared.
Messed his neck up, he's got partial
numbness, he's just not the same guy.
Well, you got a lot of work to do.
We should get out of your hair.
- We're a terrible A-Team.
- The problem is we didn't stay focused.
Is it a problem
if your penis and your vagina touch?
I couldn't do it.
I thought I'd be able to finish this time,
- Hey, what's in this closet?
- What are you doing?
Stop! Stop it! Stop it! It's scaring me!
Aired 5 years ago - Feb 06, 2013
When the lead in the school's production of "Phantom of the Opera" gets sick, Manny is willing to do anything to land the lead; Phil and Jay wind up in a golf-off with Mitch and Pepper; Gloria and Alex visit a psychic.
Meg sucks. Everything she does
is so freaking terrible and depressing.
I'm just telling for your own benefit. I'm very
aware that I'm watching a play right now.
- You like eating red carpet, tough guy?
- I hear there's one on vacuuming.
- Really? That sounds interesting...
Man, this sucks
worse than my 16th birthday party.
Our top story, beloved entertainer Bob Hope
when a "trouser malfunction"
caused him to expose his testicles.
Yeah, it's done.
Sir, what course of action do you recommend
regarding the Hyde Pierce incident?
What? Why are they
blocking out all the good stuff?
I'll stimulate the economy
by buying an American car.
Well, Peter, I'm flattered you came to me
for help. We'll have more after this.
I bought a giant, life-size slingshot from you.
Itjust slammed me into a mountain.
but I'm not supposed to tell Mom
because she'll just bitch him out.
like in All in the Family,
where Archie got the Jeffersons to move.
- Good night, Jim Bob.
- Good night, Pa.
Peter, look at these numbers. We're a hit.
I'd think about expanding your programming.
a wonderful look back on all the partial nudity
network television used to offer.
You gotta be careful
about what you put on your network.
I got a bunch of great new shows lined up.
You cheeky bastard.
We'll find out where.
Giggety giggety, giggety goo. Stick around.
Responsibility lies with the parents.
Soap's right there next to the radio,
and towels are on the roof.
- I dared him.
- All right. Here we go.
Turn off the windshield wipers.
They don't work. They're making it worse.
They will make you take a tinkle
when you want to take a piss
They're as stuffy
as the stuffiest of special-interest groups
And if you find yourself
with some young, sexy thing
I can think of quite another place
they should have stuck it first
but I'm here to tell you
that as of today, PTV is shut down.
- What are you doing?
- Censoring real life.
Before I start playing,
I'm gonna eat this whole sandwich.
I'll finish it later.
What? Now I can't say...
in my own... house?
the world wouldn't have
some of its most inspired creations.
- I'm Officer Reeses. What happened here?
- He got peanut butter on my chocolate.
Whoa. Those actions
are highly inappropriate.
Aired 5 years ago - Jan 23, 2013
When Gloria's mother and sister visit, they bring traditions, baby names and family baggage; Phil helps the kids with their problems; Mitchell and Cameron try to correct Lily's bad habits.
Anyhoo, uh, your balloons
are co-- Damn it!
- Okay, never mind.
- No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
she cursed a blue streak
and got our money back?
Oh, hey, Reuben,
but she already has a camper
and a cord of wood there.
all those little waters.
and yell at all these people
and burn a bunch of bridges?
- I'll try her cell.
- It's off.
It's the dressing gown
for Fulgencio's christening.
In America, it's not real common
to hear the name Fuljencio.
Nah. We can act like
everything is fine for the family,
I sure do love
the cross you got me.
She likes to keep busy.
But I feel bad for her.
You just strapped
on those high heels
I don't know if you've seen
his new look,
Well... consider me reminded.
"Too many RSVPs.
Have to make cuts to party.
Hey, kids. How was your day?
How good is lamb, huh?
because they'd never seen it.
maybe you could ge
the other ones to ease off a little?
But anyway, if you could--
- I got her husband Lee on the machine.
- There is no husband!
Ay, but it--
it wasn't a bad one, right?
His father with the wooden leg...
Oh, catering by Amelia's.
when, let's face it,
Lily's snarkiness is my doing.
Oh. We're you trying
to get me to take the blame?
I think it'll make you feel better.
I've... I've tasted her native food.
You have an in-law who,
no matter what you do,
But don't forget to light your candle.
and he acts like a real person,
he comes close.
I turn. I see this pretty girl
talking to her friend.
I didn't send the pie to Gloria.
It's not the family gun?
Where is Luke?
But you're an attractive woman
with a lot to offer.
Aired 5 years ago - Jan 16, 2013
Gloria and Jay try to make Manny's 14th birthday extra special by planning a surprise party; Haley starts hanging out with a much older guy.
so we'll just meet you
guys at the party.
- Kenny designs jeans for our boutique.
- And a "rack star."
These jeans just slipped
on me so perfectly,
and Claire hasn't gotten
hers yet, so...
What? He's practically my age.
Yes, but-- Luke, I'm never
telling you anything!
Sir? This is my cake right here.
- What do I look like to you?
- but you know they're sturdier
than you think. - Yeah.
Let's go this way, honey.
Okay, so by the power vested in me
Cam, y-you got her a car?
We always knew there was
a strong possibility
- What's the matter?
- Jay, I can't find the parking ticket.
I know I put it somewhere here
but I cannot find it now.
Let's drive through something else!
Young people seek out
older mentors all the time.
Oh. All right. I'm gonna go take
a squirt while you grab it.
Hey, Claire, um, could you
help me with this?
Yeah, well, look how well
that worked out.
Stop beating yourself up.
Hey, let's go mingle.
- Your defeats are my defeats.
- Hey, Mr. Tucker!
- We love you, Mr. Tucker!
- We love you! - You're the best!
Okay, Manny is going
to be here soon,
No, everybody's so excited
to celebrate with... you.
I do! I do! Come out!
The problem is,
they never believe you.
I mean, I'm probably more of
a 14-year-old than he is, and...
Just keep practicing.
I clicked with the students,
It's why she asked you to marry her,
to get back at me.
That's another Colombian tradition.
No, it's nothing!
Keep singing! Keep singing!
Oh, my gosh! It's happening!
I'm not gonna let you
share it every year, okay?
You know that I love you
no matter what?
- Uh-- oh, no.
- No, that's not what happened.
I guess daddy was
worrying about nothing.
It's gonna be an adventure,
Aired 5 years ago - Jan 09, 2013
Jay and the family plan to celebrate New Year's together at a hotel in Palm Springs, but the hotel doesn't meet their expectations; Alex and Haley are faced with challenges as they try to watch the kids back at home.
Do you see that? Do you see what I did?
That'll be more pathetic than that game
of Marco Polo I played with Helen Keller.
You know, it's like I tell the other
volunteers down at the adoption center:
Working at James Woods High is great.
We should get them to rename the schooI
after Dr. King.
Whoa, you know what,
that actually didn't really come out right.
we just finished reading
The Da Vinci Code at my book club.
Good night, sweetie.
Oh, tonight's no good, Peter.
I have another date with Shauna.
Hey, you almost done in the john?
'Cause we're late for darts.
Hey, what's that? What's that?
Is that a dog?
I'm not a dog, you fat bastard!
- Oh. The guy who played Sheneneh?
- That's Martin Lawrence.
Well, thanks for playing.
I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.
to put their e-mall address
on the list in the back there...
Now, unless there is any objection,
I move that the board pass this measure.
- Coffee for you, Capt. Griffin?
- Thank you, stewardess.
You're pretty much offensive
to all five senses.
Hello, Mr. Woods.
Peter tells me you're in films.
Why not Ronald Reagan?
Oh, it's just Reagan.
Just leave him alone. He'll tire himself out.
- Guess I'll be heading back to old L.A. now.
- You're leaving?
we'll have a campout in the yard.
That's a scary story, Peter.
To be there for
Whichever betides you
Do or die for
Would you like some corn?
I brought it from home.
I brought it from home, because I don't
like the creamed corn they have here.
What do you say? I kind of miss
sleeping at the foot of your bed.
Look, Lois. Lois, look, look, look.
He's dreaming he's running.
Motivation. What is my motivation?
Yeah, that's neat.
Hey, how's it going? I'm Peter.
You want to go out sometime?
I got a coupon for Sizzler
with your name on it.
Would you like some cold roast beef?
Aired 5 years ago - Dec 12, 2012
When Manny and Luke's Little League team makes it to the playoffs, Claire and Cameron search for a field to use; Gloria uses a microphone to sing to the baby.
Well, I wanted to,
but your grandfather wouldn't let me.
Yes, I imagine those little fellows
are enjoying quite a feast.
Are you calling me gay?
by selling these fine products
over the phone.
Sorry, you have to sleep
with Rob Schneider tonight.
Oh, this is not a bathtub.
You fired that gun reaI nice, John.
- It's working.
- Just need a little more...
I should've stopped listening to you
a long time ago.
I'll front you the money,
and you pay it off by working for me.
Whether you think you can
or you think you can't, you're right.
Wow, Mom. You look pretty.
Oh, God. Meg, that's sick.
Thank you, Mort.
I'm trying to get into modeling.
Well, gosh, Mort. You ever think
about sending out a maller?
so, you know, start thinking up
some fun tacky ties to wear.
I can't believe I'm sleeping with a modeI.
Karin Parotta, modeling agent.
Now, perhaps some young gentleman
would like to light me up.
I am so pressed.
You wanted something?
Well, I think you do know.
Oh, Brian, there you are.
Can I talk to you about something?
And, you know, between you and me,
I think it's a stitch...
except you're not a fat guy.
Lois, I got your new headshots,
and I set up a shoot for you...
I'd like to wear you like a hockey mask.
Lois, if you being a modeI
means you're going to be eye-candy...
I am going to the top, and there's nothing
you or anyone else can do about it.
Come on. Come on.
Hey, there, sweetie.
That guest list is more exclusive
than the Garden of Eden.
You have smelly dog farts.
- Yes, it was.
- No, it wasn't.
How is that even... How you doing that?
but first, you have to do something for me.
Aired 5 years ago - Nov 28, 2012
Mitch and Cam try to save an old tree in the park; Jay takes Manny to a kid's Olympics-themed birthday party; Gloria and Claire have an eventful shopping trip.
All boys. All sports. All day.
Doug finishes with the most
medals no matter what.
Fine. I'll put on my sporty shoes.
Oh, I see what this is.
I walked around all day
smelling like a bucket of popcorn.
Duck! Duck! Come on
and hit him, you little freak!
Look, I'm Mexico. Again.
Well, come here.
Let me introduce you around.
Ugh. I want to be so mad at him,
They kind of just hung out in there,
let me do my thing.
Where is he?
Tell me about it.
Hey! My supervisor wants to know
Yes. I've never been more sure
about anything in my life.
That was my theater troupe.
An actor's sick.
No! No, I'm not.
Daddy, you've got to save the tree!
Last summer, my sister took
a totally humiliating photo of me.
It says "dozen." I need the eggs!
Good news, gentlemen!
I found another rope.
Well... he called me
to rescue him one time.
I had about ten
pretty bad pictures of Haley.
Oh, well, that's
a very good question.
It's not your fight.
You know, this isn't just a tree.
So Alex comes home
from school the other day,
You have to at least
try to pay attention.
if we wanted to steal it,
Oh, my God, I'm Sisyphus. Yes!
So he turns it up full-blast,
so I nail him with the sprinklers!
and if you beat me, I'll buy you
any boombox you want.
I'd rather box
my daughter's husband
I scooped ice cream
all summer for that boombox!
Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen!
You're a bored housewife,
drives a minivan,
I need you to sign this,
admitting your guilt,
Sorry about that.
I went a little nuts there.
- and he was like, "uhh! Uhh!"
- No. No!
- Go away now!
Aired 5 years ago - Nov 14, 2012
When Claire, Manny and Luke go to Alex's academic decathlon for the weekend, Phil throws a guys' night at home; Manny and Luke crash bar mitzvahs looking for a girl; Cam and Mitchell get Jay and Gloria a surprise baby gift.
...before I snap his finger off!
No, I'm going to lay down.
You can get a 1-day cushion
for $8, or a 2-day for $12.
I guess I just
didn't want to presume
Wait, what are the last
four numbers again?
I knew there was something
about you I liked.
Well, don't start planning
the wedding yet.
I picked up some expressions
at the latke station.
That's the store mascot.
That's Hugga Bunny.
Dress it up,
you could dress it down.
To use a sports reference,
put the football away, Lucy.
Still ain't kickin'.
- That is not true.
- Don't deny it.
Thank you for a fun day, okay?
- Nice house, by the way.
Long as I clean up
afterwards, she's fine.
She's not a hooker,
she's a private dancer.
Just have some fun.
No problem. Bye.
You can be very controlling,
you know that?
But you and I, tonight...
I'm here to talk if you want.
Saw that, too.
And you can say a lot
of things about me,
The persian satrapy of Skudra
included which two areas?
You're telling me.
and there you were.
chased them to the banks
of the red sea?
I'm not gonna embarrass you,
Door, sunroof, all on lockdown.
you just better keep waiting, 'cause
Not just a room.
Look, dad, I...
But once we got her
in there, I don't know.
Gloria! No, Gloria! Gloria!
No, not here. The lighting's terrible.
You know, maybe we should talk
about this out in the hallway.
So that your friend Aburar
could come and paint a present?
Aired 5 years ago - Nov 07, 2012
Cameron watches Alex and Luke while Phil, Claire and Mitchell deal with Haley's arrest; Jay tries to cut short a surprise visit from ex-wife Dede (Shelley Long), so she doesn't learn about Gloria's pregnancy.
Peter, this is only making it worse.
Let me out of here!
I need to get out of here.
He was just trying to help out his friend.
Oh, yeah, because you've got
such a heavy workload around here.
Got a compelling protagonist?
Some friends become enemies,
some enemies become friends?
- No, nothing.
- Check in the closet.
I wasn't working out,
so I must not have been nervous.
I got to tell you. I don't know what she
would possibly see in Count Chocula.
You were right, Doug. Mischief is fun.
Hey, can I say hi to a friend of mine?
- Would you accept this rose?
- All right.
Yeah, I got it from
our cleaning lady's boyfriend.
What did I tell you?
She's trying to drive us apart.
Sorry, I am late, Brian. Here's your ride.
You know, I don't even know
why I agreed to do this show.
No, I really like Coleman Hawkins,
All right, gentlemen...
I am sorry, Peter. I thought you were
one of those criminals...
Very nice, by the way.
and tried to have sex
with your unconscious body?
With tears in your eyes
Yeah, me, too. They're pretty great.
Peter, this is Brooke, the bachelorette.
Chris, we have company.
Peter, we have proof that it was Chris
who vandalized Goldman's Pharmacy.
And I just might reach into your brain
and do this.
Well, it wasn't as bad as the evening
I spent with Glenn and his mother.
Mom, you want this three-way to happen,
you're gonna have to change your tone.
And I don't want to tie up the line.
So, I guess...
Listening to our guy Coltrane,
you know. Okay.
Aired 5 years ago - Oct 31, 2012
Jay and Gloria host a yard sale to help with a school fundraiser; Mitch and Cam vet Alex's new friend; Manny finds a trunk full of secrets.
you think of some creative art
project that requires denim?
It's--it's a nightmare.
Oh. Right? Welll then how about a donation?
I'll give you 35.
What is this case doing here?
I would be if Claire would
ever let me have one.
I'm not taking you, sweetheart.
She thinks he's gay.
Inside, she's just a fragile little girl.
- Yeah, they care about their clothes.
that was a great show,
No. Oh, you're heavy!
Even if it's a head?
I do remember that. That--
Oh, that was a great moment.
Okay, I just saw Alex and
Michael sittin' in a tree.
No. Well, now hold on. Just a minute.
They're gonna work it out.
Although in that case, I'd just call.
Not leaving till I see it.
Aw, and you lost.
You're wrong, whoever you are.
Which was ironic because two weeks later,
You didn't have to bring in your
big gay guns to back you up.
Uncle Mitchell, he's straight.
- Hope you're happy.
- I'm not.
you're just gonna have to
roll the dice on this one.
Michael I have to ask you something.
Right. So then I'm straight.
how you're not afraid of anything.
and what I want is to see a puppet show.
Sweetheart, do you love it?
Well, we ruined Alex's life, by the way.
Aired 5 years ago - Oct 24, 2012
Claire must rein in her enthusiasm for Halloween and keep her celebration kid-friendly; Phil decides to hold an open house on Halloween; Mitch and Cam have a costume party; Gloria's hormones make her more quick-tempered than usual.
Hi, there. I'd like to welcome you all
Everybody likes a snack.
I figured Andre the Giant
would be a little hipper.
But, you know, that stuff about
spending the day together tomorrow...
Well, I'll see you later.
Only a couple of Oreos gone.
I'm gonna take the rest home to the cats.
- Sir? Sir?
- What the hell is wrong with you?
You guys take it easy. No need to
thank me. Just pay it forward.
"The life of a silversmith's apprentice
was not an easy one!"
- Somebody fall through the ice?
- It's summer.
Cleveland's got a cute, little white ass.
We can't tell anyone about this.
My fellow Americans,
I have not been entirely truthful with you.
I don't know how to tell you this,
It isn't clear
But what we're certain of is you have AIDS
But full-blown AIDS
Not HIV, but really
You want to take it
from here, Bamm-Bamm?
I need a real man.
And Lord knows that ain't you.
Cleveland Brown, you are pathetic!
Cleveland, I am so sorry.
You can stay here as long as you like.
Somebody went under a dock
That's right, kids.
So just treat him like one of the family.
You know, Peter,
I'm a little worried about Cleveland.
- C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P?
It never felt right!
Please don't tell Cleveland!
Better it be Quagmire than someone
she could get a disease from.
I must be in Quahog
'cause all I see is a bunch of hicks!
- And I'm doing you, Loretta.
- What the hell?
[Theme music from Popeye]
Oh, God, you're hyperventilating!
Chris, get me a bag.
There's no time. I got to go warn
Quagmire while I got the chance.
- The blades are still spinning!
- Oh, my God, Peter! What is that thing?
It is my job. I only ask
that you do not feed my cat, Bootsie...
It's all right to go to sleep, my friend.
I'll stand guard.
His name was Boner.
Aired 5 years ago - Oct 17, 2012
Phil can't accept that Luke wants to quit magic; Gloria's snoring keeps Jay and Manny awake; Mitch and Cam struggle to deal with their reversed role.
Strong with the force, young Skywalker is.
All right. All right.
Give me "Sperm Dumpster."
Help, I've escaped
from Kevin Spacey's basement!
Coming up next, Joan Rivers speaks
to us from beyond the grave.
Meg, that's it. You could get a makeover.
It looks like we've got a winner, Tom.
Oh, man, that's the best idea
since they faked the moon landing.
And solar winds...
- I'd never even heard the word "rubber"...
- Peter, this is Meg.
Welcome to the family, sweetheart.
Chris, go burn all Meg's old pictures.
[Singing Don't Stop Believin']
Just a small town girl
Born and raised in South Detroit
Some will win
Hey, that's Journey. Kickass!
Stick around, you just might learn
Brian, you're just ants at a picnic.
We're gonna be awesome.
You know, maybe we should have
decided on outfits that matched.
LOIS: Oh, my. Hi, Gene.
I didn't know you were here.
Great, I'll pick you up whenever
I feel like it.
You gotta start somewhere, fellas.
That's how you evolve.
The people who beat you are proud
to present, all the way from Quahog...
The guy behind me braided my hair.
Boy, that's not healthy, is it?
That that's the first place I go to?
But I wanna be without a care
Gonna buy me a rainbow
- What're you doing in prison?
- I stomped a cat to death.
God, I'm so sorry. I keep doing that.
can you perform surgery on yourself?
Let me explain something to you, all right?
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with Meg
being exploited that way.
Oh, God. Sorry.
You did say you hated Crooklyn.
Intercourse with you
- I said more Skittles.
- All right. That is it, Meg.
Meg, you and your family are gonna
perform on Saturday Night Live.
I can't think of anything more exciting.
Aired 5 years ago - Oct 10, 2012
Phil gets a vasectomy; Gloria and Jay can't agree on whether or not they should find out the sex of the baby; Mitchell tries to steer Cameron toward getting a part-time job.
Hey, Joe, if you love your medals so much,
why don't you marry them?
You know what? You can probably
go ahead and cancel that.
Well, clearly he thinks you're attractive,
Lois. It's a positive thing.
Either have the baby or don't.
- All right.
- You did good. Good.
- What's the matter, Glenn?
Oh, my God!
That one's having a heart attack!
You're always getting medals
for catching crooks.
I'm the only one here
who's got nothing, you know?
From this day forth, people are gonna
know the name Peter Griffin...
Later, Brian. I gotta do something
people will remember me for...
Like Gary the No-Trash Cougar says:
- They just came out of the trees.
- You saved my ass back there.
who fought each other in the Civil War.
In sadder news, the man
who held the Guinness World Record...
I am gonna eat more nickels
than anyone has ever eaten before.
LOIS: I love you, too, Peter.
Even if you are full of nickels.
My cousin Marshall insists
if you look past the picture...
You know what else you can't see?
The writing on the wall.
All right, you know what?
Oh, my God, I almost didn't do it.
I almost didn't do it.
Now feel my warm breath
on the nape of your neck.
- Yes, sir.
Well, because I can't do anything
for myself, Brian. I can't drive.
We must stop Lex Luthor before
he irradiates the world's supply of gold.
you know, 800-mile drive for me,
like, five seconds for you.
I know. I'm so worried about him.
Aired 5 years ago - Oct 10, 2012
Claire and Phil embarrass Haley when they drop her off at college; Manny makes Gloria and Jay take a class; Lily gets into a tussle on her first day of kindergarten.
6, 21, 18, 7, 42.
You know, that is a terrific idea, Lois.
I probably have a lot to offer young people.
Good morning, class.
I'm your substitute teacher, Brian Griffin.
- Just pitch me a line right now.
It sucks! Mr. Griffin gave me an F
on my first assignment!
when a teacher gave us a bad grade?
Yeah. They stood for corruption and greed.
Reassigned? Can I at least come down
to your office and talk to you about this?
- Good morning, class.
- Good morning, Mrs. Lockhart.
All right. How about we go around
the room and everyone can say...
- Oh, my God!
- Yo, it's my turn to deliver.
It's... What is this?
I wish you'd told me that
before I got you this.
WOMAN: Give that back!
On my 25th birthday,
your father surprised me by showing up...
Then you can have the remains.
Chris, you can't be so impulsive.
I don't think Mrs. Lockhart likes me at all.
You know what else is gross?
"mess all up the bitch's house."
Wow. You know, you're right.
Maybe I should just try...
and my posse's representing West Side.
Lois, honey, let's make sure
we do this delicately, all right?
I mean, a sopping-wet pair of breasts
barely covered by a racing t-shirt.
that I could tape
to the back of Lois's head?
'Cause I couldn't stand to be away
from you for another moment.
Maybe you could just get a divorce,
and we could live together...
It looks like a Jackson Pollock painting.
Don't put that in with my things!
[Mr. Lockhart screaming]
Yo, man, what's that thing in the middle?
And don't worry. If Mr. Furley comes by,
I'll make sure he thinks you're...
- I could be a ditch digger?
- A motel maid?
"O, Captain! my Captain!"
No, wait a minute. I can't call the police.
- What happened to your shirt?
- You know, just a pizza party at the office.
Yeah, that's always been Arnie's problem.
Well, take it easy.
Aired 5 years ago - Sep 26, 2012
Phil takes Jay on an unconventional fishing trip; Gloria wonders how to break the news about her pregnancy; Dylan temporarily moves in with the Dunphys; Cam and Mitch think about adopting a cat.
I guess that things have become
a little stale for me.
I mean, our honeymoon.
So much rug burn!
- Be good.
- Bye, Mom, I love you!
I'll tell you.
Of course, I'll want a favor in exchange.
Gross. Hey, why don't you
go back to sleep?
PETER: Look at all those hamburgers.
This is just terrific.
How are we gonna get...
And then our second honeymoon's back
Turn it, Chris.
I want to watch George Lopez.
You two better settle down.
I don't know. What do you say
we read a book or something?
"Garfield at Large, by Jim Davis."
You mean it's up to us. Clearly you
need my help with this parenting thing.
Yes, Papa Geppetto. I'm sorry.
That was all the money we had
for this trip.
of Manhattan's newest luxury hotel.
on permanent reserve.
A room which he barely uses.
Jake swiped it
from his dad's liquor cabinet.
In fact, last year alone,
there were over 27,000 deaths from...
- Peter, we can't afford this.
- No, but Mel Gibson can.
Let me show you
to your room, Mr. Gibson!
Did you think you were grown up?
- Mel? Wait a minute.
I'm just gonna watch British porn.
I don't think so.
Well, what are we supposed to do, Lois?
Caviziel? Is that it?
The guy from the first one?
Peter, are you crazy?
We gotta get rid of this thing for the sake
of Jesus and Snoopy...
Man, this is even more intense
than that time I forgot how to sit down.
- Peter, what the hell are you doing?
- Lois, trust me.
- Look, Mr. Tucker, l...
- We're through here.
There's got to be a way to get back
at Jake Tucker for what he did to Chris.
You stay here. I'm gonna go bury this film.
Well, that may be.
But what we're all forgetting is...