Aired 5 years ago - May 23, 2012
Gloria's bilingualism comes in handy on Mitchell and Cameron's quest to adopt another child. Meanwhile, Jay and Manny help Lily get ready for a dance recital. Alex goes to her first prom, and Haley announces her future plans, which come as a shock to her family.
For your information,
And obviously, work at the GAP.
I've been avoiding that
on menus for years.
Guys, you wanna take
our charcuterie for the road?
Sí. Van a estar esperando su
llamada, muchísimas gracias.
Ay, yes, of course! I would
love to! Thank you! Thank you!
Ciao, Jay! Ciao, Manny!
I see you later, okay?
No, no, no. Arms down here says,
"I'm white and I'm sorry,"
I stopped by the grocery store
to get some stuff for dinner.
And his name is me.
It's a model of a plane that
was built for Amelia Earhart.
Wait! Wait, wait!
Look what it does
for your skin.
Ay, please stop driving
the car like a snake.
You know, like,
"that bed's a double-pigger."
but the hooker ended up being
his long lost sister,
I'm sorry, sweetie.
I'm just sad you're missing it.
were totally laughing with us.
will always have that night.
Just give me a heads-up.
El bebé nació hace media hora y se
encuentra perfectamente de salud.
He was 7 pounds, 4 ounces,
with thick hair and brown eyes.
I don't know. The priest comes
with great warning.
en vez de a ti como su amante.
Lily's dance is not
up to the standard
I think one of you
should talk to her.
That's good, right?
getting my life together.
is not gonna take its toll
on that body and that face,
Don't worry. I got your back,
buddy. That's not gonna happen.
Yes, I am alive.
C-can we please
just see our baby?
She's saying that she's going
to raise the baby.
wandering toothless and alone
in a postapocalyptic wasteland.
This came yesterday.
I don't care.
- Hey, buddy.
- Mr. D.
I'm going to get something
for my stomach.
Aired 5 years ago - May 16, 2012
Gloria and Jay bicker while trying to order lunch at a diner. Claire and Cam have different theories on how to discipline kids. Luke accepts an award under false pretenses. Phil has a hard time firing Mitchell from his temporary job at the real
estate agency. The entire family participates in Alex's living art display of Norman Rockwell's Thanksgiving painting.
Is this bum bothering you, miss?
No, no, I'm not, um...
Oh, isn't that cute?
He doesn't want you to worry.
I see it growing on ya.
and said, "why are you
not eating the hooves?
My senior year, I had
a pretty crazy night myself
and I still have an apron to sew,
scenery to paint,
I'll just give you a little privacy.
- children learn to rebel
against that word. - Uh-huh.
What's the latest theory?
Never say "no."
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
Uh-huh. It's called
"being your own nap Captain."
Here's my life-- a full-time job,
Once, I, uh, I tried
to break up with a girl,
about that expression--
I'm just gonna come
straight out and say it.
I'd be getting one of those, too.
It's not about the
delicious sandwich, Gloria.
I don't say this,
and I'm gonna do it very quietly
Okay, this is way too many grapes,
Oh, I got it. No, I got
a finger on it. There it is.
No, Claire. No, I don't need
help raising my child.
basically doing nothing.
Hey. How's it going?
You will have me until July,
like we agreed.
You handed in
a couple of things late.
I was doing you a favor!
- Get it?
- Dad, come on!
She was nowhere near that switch.
What? You know Maxine, too?
- I'm really--
- I know, Phil.You're really sorry, okay?
- I want turkey.
- Lily, no!
You can criticize my parenting
all you like, Cam,
I didn't dumr! I just tried to!
"I expected more, Alex."
It's not that good.
You're not missing anything.
Like I always say, it's better
to carry a tune than a grudge.
Aired 5 years ago - May 09, 2012
When the family travels to Disneyland, Phil struggles to keep up with Luke, Claire is shocked when they run into Dylan, Jay and Gloria disagree about what are sensible shoes for the day, and Mitch and Cam must contain Lily's new affinity for running.
since dad brought us
when we were kids.
and I ended up taking
them on my own.
I'd have brought Stella.
Either did I...
And dude I don't know.
Does he? I hadn't noticed.
No. You tired of being
with a hot wife?
I taped a football game over
an episode of "Dallas."
I do. Even geekier-- I'm good.
Yes. Yes, and he was perfect,
Right, 'cause parents always know
what's best for their kids.
And--and there was a lot
of sharp turns and big drops.
That's what happens
when you get old.
No! You're gonna have to eat
that pickle on your own, Jay.
I haven't been judged by this many people
All right, that's it.
Oh, great. Now she's chasing squirrels.
Reuben, talk to me!
Are those shoes?
'cause it's all the way
on the other side of the park.
But I'm in pain just
thinking you're in pain.
and so comfortable.
until Dylan showed up.
And I remember thinking,
The ground. Here,
this is good right here. Oh!
is doing stupid
fun stuff with you,
Even if you're old
and in a wheelchair,
Dad! Dad, grab her!
through Downton Disney--
He took a bath
on a solar start-up in San Jose.
when you're not burying
your head in business?
Look. Your dad got her
baby high heels,
Why are you dancing like that?
I lost my job at the dude ranch,
Look, I don't wanna harsh your day,
And you're the one
who needs to back off.
Aired 5 years ago - May 02, 2012
Phil buys a car without consulting Claire. Jay is on a mission to get to his high-school reunion with Gloria and Manny. Lily loses her favorite toy on a train.
I played high school football with.
This one's showier.
This one's more expensive.
Who's your daddy?
and dates a girl who works at forever 21,
Alex, be nice to your sister.
It's dad's car, not yours.
At least that's what I heard.
You know, I was there
Just surprised you didn't
get the sedan, that's all.
Uh, do you need a ride or anything?
No. No, no,
Cam. Cam. Hmm?
And you never will.
Oh, yeah. In that case, I'm 275.
Is this car has the engine in the trunk,
to pick her up on the
way to the open house,
I have no game. You're an adult.
You can make your own choices.
I've heard you sing. I think you're safe.
This never would have happened
if we were in the air!
How about this one? Okay. Um...
I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so critical.
Yeah, 'cause other people
might go and buy a crazy car
Maybe I was a teeny bit mad.
and we can't get parts for at least a day.
We're gonna miss the whole weekend.
I am sorry, Jay.
Gloria, it's either this,
or we're in the motel.
Turtle or giraffe
Lily, uh, what about Miss, uh, Teddy Bear?
and I dribbled it past Michael
and got it to Tyler...
You're like Sigourney Weaver
in "Gorillas in the Mist."
And didn't it make you stronger?
Not a damn thing. Nope.
I-I can't... oh, for God's sake!
This is not the massage I had in mind.
No high-heeled shoes.
And it wouldn't be wrong
You know what? I'm taking Manny home.
I may have exaggerated the size...
kahuna I was.
But you always made it sound like you--
So this is all about you
Manny! We're leaving! Get ready!
Whatcha doing all the way up here?
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 18, 2012
A visit from Cameron's father features an awkward dinner for Jay and Gloria at Mitchell and Cameron's house. Claire helps Luke face the death of an older neighbor, Phil and Alex have a father-daughter bonding experience. Haley throws a party without permission.
Would it be okay then?
Yes, I thought of a chaperone--
I've built beds my whole life--
Oh, I missed a call from my dad.
in all of Hell's Hollow, Missouri.
Yeah. Yeah, 6:00.
We're really looking forward to it.
Okay, look, between you and me,
The guy rubs me the wrong way.
No, it's just sad.
You never took Alex
on a pony ride.
Did that guy steal Morrie's TV?
but I... I might have
fallen behind a bit with Alex.
wait for the light to be just right,
say a few words.
I would've taken that phone
with the big buttons.
You know you can talk to me.
and say, "your dad's one lucky man,"
he was wrong.
fire extinguisher, burn kit.
Oh, this was a delicious meal, Mitchell.
- Oh, you didn't need to, dad.
I know. I know.
You gotta do homework.
or--or "the time
we drove 100 miles
the sound of a pin dropping
could induce labor.
I would make the buildings,
and he would inspect them.
Got 17 stitches.
It's Cameron, actually--
has the high laugh.
I'm sorry I doubted Jay.
Oh, it's--I-I could see that,
but, you know,
My dad's got it.
you wanna take a minute and
say what Walt meant to you?
Oh. Hi, Luke. Where's Walt?
He had a heart attack.
He's in the hospital?
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I just found out my face does this.
It goes right here.
Okay, it's "go" time.
No. It's about what he didn't do
when he was alive--
There'll be there forever.
I really wanna help, but
you know when someone yawns,
What? What's that face?
Mitch has a more slender wrist
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 11, 2012
Claire's race for town council comes to a head on Election Day as the Dunphys make phone calls for votes and Mitchell and Cameron take to the streets to campaign, while the candidate endures technical problems during some last-minute interviews.
Election day is America at its finest.
It's only three people! And nobody has a gun!
Vote Dunphy for town council.
You know what we could do with this thing?
I'm from the "Weekly Saver." Mind if I ask you
How do you feel about your chances today?
Got it. Thanks.
They got lime sherbet, they got coconut sherbet.
- Possum? -Okay, obviously she means squirrel.
There was a woman working there.
It's Claire! We need her to win!
Ay, why can't I remember any animal names?
I got a lot of people waitin', so...
They will break all your buttons...
They do not do the hair of the people on those pictures!
No, Sandy who works at Lily's preschool.
- Well, it's better than being alone. - Is it?
Yeah, I'm calling on behalf of Claire Dunphy.
to make a promise she can't keep.
they just do it!
I'm a little nervous. I've never been on the radio before.
So... You're a first-time candidate.
She sounds drunk!
without first discussing... recycling.
You can get your air. I can drive other people.
Uh, yes! I do take them with food!
Thank you so much for voting.
- You know... - Yeah.
Look, I am so sorry.
oh, yeah, that sounds familiar.
She lives in Iowa.
No. No. You're missing the point, okay?
- Yeah. - But he's straight.
Which is perfectly normal for a straight guy.
Yeah. We're neighbors. Let's go!
I'm not going home with zero.
But even if I lose, at least now I know
- It's the least we could do. - Yeah.
And my husband...
I'm so sorry. But you know what?
Aired 5 years ago - Mar 14, 2012
Cameron is reunited with his estranged ex-clown partner, Lewis. Phil is serious about landing a very important listing, only to be trumped by a notorious bulldozer of an agent, Mitzi Roth. Manny has a cool new friend, which makes both Jay and Gloria suspicious.
the coolest kid in Manny's grade.
Tonight, we are going Japanese.
I'm really not getting
I took Manny to school
on my motorcycle.
You gettin' ready for
your one-woman show?
Oh, I didn't think that was
dotted line yet, jazz hands.
- Oh, it's Mitzi Roth.
Go back to condos, Dunphy.
- Guys, how are you?
- Oh, no. No, no, it's fine. It's fine.
- Ow! Ow! Ow!
- I don't have an anger...
Anyway, um, Lewis
hasn't spoken to me since.
- Yeah, sure. - Just give me
a minute. I gotta redo my lips.
But, hey, listen, don't let him
get to you, all right?
What do you mean "somebody"?
I want full credit.
Whoa! Okay. Okay. Come on.
Yeah, you may just be
a fan of Adele, and--
She cheated, she lied, and she won.
- He has values and morals and--
Nice to meet you.
He was just like
my teachers back in school.
I open it up and
snakes fly out, or a fire?
Yeah, Fizbo & Lewis, together again.
Well, what do you see
in that guy, Cam?
Oh, come on, Dunphy.
You know I flopped.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Are we... done here?
It's 50 degrees outside.
Maybe now I don't like
what he's trying to ride.
We think that Griffin might
be hanging out with you
You've met Griffin.
The kid's a doorknob.
Pool party, mom.
And I guess he's nervous
about some kind of party,
We got a town fair in Thousand Oaks
You got it, partner.
Oh, forgot I had
that fish over there.
Aired 5 years ago - Feb 29, 2012
Mitchell feels pressured to make Cameron's birthday extra special. People start to question Jay's manliness, and the girls interfere with Phil's leap day plans.
yellow brick carpet,
waitstaff in full costume,
She was like this last month
and the month before
could eventually get on the same... cycle.
It's not fair.
- considering they're all on
their menst-- - Shh!
Yes. There is a problem,
and you're married to her.
- So the appletinis are canceled...
to ever hit Cam's hometown,
I throw a party
We named our daughter after a pig?
And don't worry about being
back at 6:00 on the dot.
The tornado always wins.
I got-- this is dangerous.
I've been feeling
a lot of stress lately.
Try looking under
the one you have one.
will do that to a person.
and almost killed her toddler. Next.
Okay, okay. Uh, maybe we can--
we can make a theme out of this.
Thrilling. 1-1 tie.
'Cause, you know, I had
my share of fights in my time.
Okay, I admit it.
about what I was feeling?
what women go through.
- God, what happened?!
- Oh, it's just a little cut.
- How crazy is that?
Sorry! I know you told me
not to say it, but I...
- Yeah, it's a boat party.
- Oh! Because?
Okay, everybody follow the birthday flag!
Ew! It smells like somebody's dead.
Oh, yeah. Watch out for that.
I can't fit this many people on my boat.
Uh, apparently, we have too
many people for his boat.
Look, I can't fit more than
30 people on the boat,
- Calm down.
- I didn't have a problem before,
Poor Cam. He seems so upset.
except this wasn't awesome!
Aired 5 years ago - Feb 22, 2012
It's a day of disturbing realizations when Mitchell manages to ruin one of Jay's proudest golf moments, Phil overhears something that may forever change how he sees his little girl, and Gloria stumbles upon Claire's dangerous little secret.
Yeah, yeah, that's nice and all,
My mom hates messes.
Oh! My back! Ooh! My back!
Now she can't feed the dolphins.
- Give me some. Give me some. Give me some.
Do you know what
a doll is in my village?
Hey, at least I have the body--
you can change the channel
with this guy.
Oh, we should definitely
do that sometime.
Forge that friendship!
I knew for a fact Claire
never returned my tupperware,
when you come back with
my heating pad from the pharmacy,
he took us out to dinner.
He bought me my first beer.
Don't worry. I'll be back soon.
And she promised not to tell dad
until I left for college,
but I guess I was wrong.
Wrong and naive.
I have the worst headache
all of a sudden.
Okay, so let's go
and get massages.
Barely. Barely, yeah.
and you guys...
Uh-oh, check it out.
one of those cheap hair plugs
didn't get caught in it.
One idiot lies about his sex life,
Ah! Can't trust a word
out of this guy's mouth.
He is a hole-in-one kind of man.
That's just not me.
We got a full tank of gas,
and she's right down the block.
Don't you rather have
a chemistry set or flash cards?
Fix that right up.
- Uh, could you...
- Yeah. Sure.
Fact-- I am the cool dad.
and we can all sign it. Yeah?
Unh-unh! No way!
and you have to respect that.
to spend time with me!
And I have found a way
to cope with that stress.
This is my sacred space.
Maybe a little often.
I mean... what is your real name?
But it meant a lot to me, too.
I thought I hit a ball
straight from the tee
Aired 5 years ago - Feb 15, 2012
Phil and Claire go overboard with drinks, and divulging personal information, on a night out to celebrate the sale of a house to Mitchell and Cameron's friends.
he was going to the sunny
side of the street.
and bought a ticket with
them, we couldn't lose.
don't knock yourself
out trying to...
And that is the whole house...
Maybe for some people.
I've been calling Haley,
but nobody's answering.
Trust me, it'll be gone
by the end of the day.
Oh, God, the squirrel.
to maybe pick you.
Ooh. That's Stefan.
she'd thank me.
I put glue on them so it
doesn't happen again.
that is pure Phil.
What? You need anything?
I'll get it.
Wild guess-- Margo?
He stopped to pick up
a penny, for God's sake.
Yes, we're real happy for them.
I remember the first few drinks...
It's my fourth.
Oh, stop it! It should be you!
Oh, my God. You guys,
we could do this.
I give the egg. That's the pritchett side.
You guys, you guys, if there's
one thing I have learned today,
- They're golden.
- What have I done?
- I know.
What are the chances we can
pretend I never said that?
What if... what if
I blame it on you?
that I overruled you?
- Oh. - And then it shows them what
their baby would look like.
Is me and Justin Timberlake.
I'm nowhere in there.
and people who stick it
to the manual.
How can you tell?
just to keep things
from being weird?
I think it's a great idea.
for different types of weather.
to give us one of her eggs
And you're not in charge.
Okay, Claire and I are adults.
or that brothers and
sisters can't make babies.
Just say baby or no baby.
I love you. You know that...
Aired 5 years ago - Feb 08, 2012
Phil's preoccupation with a business opportunity blinds him to his new partner's inappropriate behavior around Claire. Jay and Gloria may regret letting Mitchell and Cameron be their temporary house guests when their home is being fumigated.
but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank
and she's all about the bling-bling.
He's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.
I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with
her cooking, but somehow I think she knew.
I awoke several hours later in a daze.
"It hurts like a bitch that I did last night
Chris starts with all this "Yo, yo, yo" stuff,
and I don't know what he's talkin' about.
We haven't spent time together
since we played Operation.
Archaeological evidence shows Ireland was
very different before the discovery of alcohol.
Hey, Michael McCloud's just
invented a new kind of beverage.
That's more like it, son. Today we're gonna
learn about the Griffin family history.
Way to go, son. Here's a picture of
your great-great-granddad, Osias Griffin.
Thomas, would you please go look for a job?
"So I took her head and stuck it by my butt
and blew a huge fart right back at her. "
I gotta tell Bonnie
I'm sleeping with a black man!
I'm telling you, Juice,
she's screwin' around behind your back.
Have yet to discover the secret
of their mind-control powers.
- I've found out I have a black ancestor.
- Is that right? That's fantastic, Peter.
- Wheelie time! Yee-hah!
Yeah, that's right. Y'all know that Exxon
Valdez thing? That ain't how it happened.
Although I think Connie Chung might've
been substituting for him that night.
Well, I should probably be saddlin' up now.
You're the cheerleading squad's token blimp!
from the family that enslaved my ancestors.
- Hey, why is he taking one?
- This is my friend Peter Griffin.
I was there when George and Weezy
moved on up to the East Side.
And when Arnold Jackson got
beat up by the Gooch, I was there.
Way to go, Peter! You tell it like it is!
They surprised us with a visit after
I told them about your recent discovery.
I think Chris and Meg should know
the Pewterschmidt side of their ancestry too.
Nothing. Just some fellow we fed and took
care of in exchange for doing a few chores.
Lois, your family owned my family!
"Every four weeks, it's entirely normal
for every young woman to... "
Cindi is definitely the alpha of the group.
I say! Nice ones, Jeanine.
It's a dashiki. And don't call me Peter. That's
my slave name. Call me Kichwa Tembo.
- What are you talking about?
- I want an apology and Rice Krispie treats.
Screw the "Kichwa".
Make it out to "Peter", P-E-T-E...
Hey, from down there, does it look like
I'm talking into a bunch of robot penises?
"It's a crazy, messed-up place
where anything can happen
- OK, say it.
- Mekka lekka hi... God, I hate you so much.
So it's agreed: We'll keep on pretending to
like pigs' feet just to confound the white man.
But... that's not true.
Aired 5 years ago - Jan 18, 2012
Claire prepares for her debate with Duane Bailey. Mitch and Cam try to clean up Lily's language before her turn as a flower girl. Jay blames Stella's strange behavior on Gloria.
Figure out what he likes and study up on it.
"I'd be more apathetic
if I weren't so lethargic. "
Oh, I get it. That's kind of funny.
Yeah, can I have a copy of Jugs?
I'll be right back.
I gotta go take a wicked "yes".
- No, you didn't. It's still dripping.
- I'll give you all my Star Wars cards if it is.
- Oh, my.
- Do we... do we rub his nose in it?
I know. It's just, I should be able
to control my baser instincts,
I said, I know the guy that...
Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song.
We now return to
"World's Sluttiest Dogs" on Fox.
I know someone who's getting a gift
certificate for liposuction in her stocking.
- What is she? A 45-footer?
- Peter, I didn't know you were a sailor.
- And this is a '74 Pinot Noir.
- Mmm, lovely.
I'm glad. It seems like
everybody's having a lot of fun.
He walks up to the premier of China
and says "Dong, where is my automobile?"
Oh, no. Head-hunters. Am I fired?
Carrot Top, uh... Sean Hayes...
Oh, you get the picture.
- Oh... That is...
- Is that something?
Peter's an anti-trust lawyer
with the Justice Department.
- Are aces high or low?
- They go both ways.
You can beat him, Mr Pewterschmidt.
You disgust me! Get out of my face!
Me too. I gotta be at Disneyland. We're
ethnically cleansing the Small World ride.
- What's a quarter?
- Well, we gotta give him something.
- Think about that.
- I actually had a good time with you tonight.
- Having fun, Peter?
- I put all my poker winnings on your dog.
No, he's awkwardly positioning himself...
Now he's violating Sea Breeze.
You had better not have ruined my race dog.
But, unfortunately, not for
another nine weeks. She's pregnant.
I am gonna go back in time and stop
Brian from getting it on with your dog.
See. I made a picture of you and me
out of glue and macaroni.
We're going to see Bobby Darin
at the Copa tomorrow, right, Charlie?
- Oh, really? Anything nice?
- Let's call Pewterschmidt.
- Let's take the jet packs.
the whereabouts of Sea Breeze,
the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune.
out to destroy his brother's reputation.
He can't hear you. Besides, it's not him
that's getting to me, it's your father.
I'm gonna sue your dad for custody!
- You're just having your period.
- This court will now come to order.
There, I just saved you
two long boobless hours.
But first I want you to testify
against that horny mutt of yours.
Aired 5 years ago - Jan 11, 2012
Jay and Claire take control of their kids' school projects from Manny and Luke, while Haley and Gloria help Phil with a real estate presentation. Cam and Mitchell meet with a potential birth mother.
You deserve a fighting chance.
The point is, I'm not helping,
he did not attend.
Think! Think... to do.
Thinking... I am,
Hey, Gloria? Quick favor.
if I was helping my kid
and didn't want me to know.
Like this. Look.
You don't wanna have sex,
but you do want a baby.
My theory is, a fish is a fish.
Oh, really? You didn't need
help carrying six scones?
Now let's get out there,
I was wondering,
Fire the confetti cannon,
drop the banner,
Is it okay?
This is wonderful for conversation.
Just be warned--
there's some furniture in there
Oh, well, you're
preaching to the choir.
Mm. Yes, I saw.
Huh. His latest test run,
he dropped it off the roof,
Oh, well, you know,
after so many landed safely,
we're gonna test it
later today at the school.
♪ Nobody knows it ♪
♪ I won't go breaking your heart ♪
Well, I think he was
following my lead.
Why did you have
to do your toes, too?
of residential real estate...
Let me just call the cab company.
Yeah, I know, we're not
supposed to have favorites.
Okay. I shouldn't even be
giving you this hint, but...
Oh, hey, I think we're
all tired of that sound.
about this mysterious sixth key.
In fact I don't think I need
to interview any more people.
But what you're not
saying is wonderful!
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh,
no, I just want you to stay ♪
because she decided to keep it.
Okay. What's done is done.
We came late and we ruined
your whole presentation.
supposed to treat each other!
You yell at me
because you love me!
That's a pretty nice
piece of handiwork
Great. So we both win.
Aired 5 years ago - Jan 04, 2012
Phil contemplates the worst after missing a call from the doctor. Javier, Manny's biological father, pays another visit to take his son to the horse races, Mitchell wins an environmental law award, creating a competition between Cam and himself on who has the better trophy. Gloria tutors Haley in Spanish.
- A pencil and a speed sign.
- I did it!
I know, but check this out.
And after she does, I just can't read it.
Hey. If I could rearrange the alphabet,
I'd put U and I together.
This is a song I've been singing
for a number of years,
Oh. Now I'm sure this isn't the glove drawer.
Coochie, coochie, coochie-coo!
- Lois, let's have another baby.
We do that outside.
Look at him. He knows what he did.
Ah, baby books. Nostalgic for the days
of chafed nipples and episiotomies?
A new baby. That's wonderful.
Call me when Kojak starts.
What happened to Bobby
when they added Oliver to The Brady Bunch?
This is Stewie country,
and I intend to keep it that way.
My God, I thought I had more time.
I've got to stop them.
Why don't you sleep
with Mommy and Daddy?
Smells like cheese.
when she finds lipstick on your collar.
Yes, you're looking for a bad time,
that's what you're after.
Make any joke you want.
You know I look good.
- Like I could! He's so fat.
- I'm not fat. I'm Rubenesque.
I see nussing. Nussing.
Oh, dear. I'm afraid you're in a no-fly zone.
Very well. Through the lips, over the gums.
Look out, testicles, here I come!
And solo from the pet rock.
My God. Either they're watching Batman
or they're doing the do.
- Well, it seems you're out of ammunition.
- As are you, Stewart.
- Peter, I'm waiting.
- I'm comin'.
Admirable. But foolish!
That's me, plotting my escape.
Perhaps I've been looking
at this the wrong way.
Aired 5 years ago - Dec 07, 2011
The family puts together a quick Christmas celebration when they realize they won't be together on the actual day.
Until next year,you mean.
God,has that thing paid for itself.
Won't be christmas with
it. It's december 16th.
Express christmas will be done by 9:00.
Come on,haley. It'll be fun. A lot
of fun. We can go to target. Okay?
I know you are. Stay on the beams.
I don't hear the difference.
Ugh. There's like a
hundred things on this list.
All the training,the
hours of dedication...
Yes. Thank you. Thank you.
and we just got a shipment
that might be perfect for you.
You bet you will.
do you have any more tape in that thing?
That's a lot of tape. Nobody can get in.
which is ironic because it's so tiny?
Yeah. Um... On that boat.
I mean,we watched our first football
game together five years ago,
Fine. We'll put a cork in it.
Okay. Where do we stand?
I also got the doll,so I'm all
set. I'm gonna leave in five.
Too late to change my mind?
And... One more pack of gum.
That's how craigslist works.
Can I see the cash?
Come on. It's christmas... At
our house. It's a long story.
Now it is.
I think he said,"a butterball's a
turkey." I was reaching for the turkey.
And it smells like
mothballs,just like nana.
- The tree!
- I can't watch!
This is it.
Now stick it in the top of the tree
with the good part facing out. Come on.
but that's okay 'cause we are
gonna put it back together.
If you get real close,they look like
turkeys,and everyone gets their own.
and we'll just push
dinner back by a bit.
Probably by the same maniac
who ran over the tree.
- I'm going to my party.
- No,no. No,you're not.
No! Nobody goes anywhere.
Aired 5 years ago - Nov 23, 2011
An old neighborhood kid returning to town as a internet billionaire gets Phil thinking of what could have been. Jay feels Manny could use some constructive criticism, Cameron is offended when Mitchell questions the authenticity of his colorful childhood stories.
- 7.30, 8.00?
- Fabulous! What shall I bring?
- Pit. Come on, it's my first day.
- And I'm Liesl.
Our original name was Bermuda Grass.
Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me.
Ah. Peter, it's OK. It's just Death.
in the home of an employee
who claims Weed choked on a roll.
Ech, who hasn't done her? Do her.
until he can find a way to control
the raging spirit that dwells within him.
Isn't that right, Saul?
"Yes, sir. " Thank you.
Good morning. Camera time.
Hello, friends. If you are watching this,
I am dead, and I bet you're pretty bummed.
OK, we've got your typing test here
I only have another week and a half here,
and I have completely checked out.
Sorry, we're out of towels.
Let me get that for you, sir.
He's sampling a few things, searching
for something that fits him just right.
Yes, you go to Maple Street,
and then take a left, and then you go...
He was so forgetful, whenever he tried
to remember a name, he drew a... "blank".
Sell some stuff we don't really need.
Nah, not really. It kinda
all goes back to when I was 18.
But at that time,
I was ready to believe anything.
I was saved by the one and only Black
Knight of the Quahog Renaissance Fair.
I took so many, I thought I was Mr Peanut.
You're a candy-ass maggot!
- Welcome, apprentices.
- It's him.
- OK, I'll come back later.
- Damn rookies.
Hey, you! Drunkie.
If I'm gonna impress the Black Knight,
my lance must be with me at all times.
Oh, thou wishest to feast on
the appendage of a humble ovine.
Uh, sure. Whatever floats your boat.
Oh, God! Peter, play dead!
Curl up in an ass ball or something!
OK, that's much clearer.
Did you just say "big meat"?
I'll be watching him from the stands,
Aired 5 years ago - Nov 16, 2011
The Pritchetts rally for a good cause after a neighbor's house burns down, but there's a downside when Jay throws out his back, Cameron takes on a moving truck, and some donated toys fall into the wrong hands.
We all know Captain Picard
is the superior officer.
There's a law against teaching
the evolutionary theory
Oh, my God!
That's Tom Tucker from the news.
- Better hurry up, Mr Tucker.
- I'm coming.
In other news, school board elections
took place last evening.
Hi, Meg. You know how cute I think you are.
A phony lives here. A big fat phony!
Those chowderheads on the corner
busted your stones.
- I thought she was dead.
- She's alive.
and produce your own on-air report.
I guess so.
- Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil.
- Yeah. That'll work just fine.
Here's where we produce
our celebrity interviews.
- Uh-oh. Twelve minutes to Wapner.
- I understand your hectic schedule.
This'll be more exciting than when Brian
taught me about Columbus.
Columbus discovered America
entirely by mistake.
- Go, Stewie!
- Yay, Stewie!
Sometimes there's so much beauty
in the world, it makes my heart burst.
I'm sorry, but there's a handsome man
in my spoon. Come back later.
I added something to your coffee
I don't think you're gonna like.
- It's cool. Too cool for you.
- No, no. I think it's right where I'm at.
Mr Tucker, has anyone
ever told you your eyes are...
This is Peter. You know what to do.
That means you'll get to ride
in the news chopper. I'm so jealous.
Dan Rather thinks he can condense
a whole day's events into a half-hour.
I never got the chance to be some
drunk college guy's last resort!
Time to sign off.
Hugh Downs away!
but the real story was inside the mouths
of Meg Griffin and Neil Goldman,
and begin life anew as Meil.
You don't know anything about me!
I'm here to turn myself in. I have
a dismembered hooker bleeding in my trunk.
- Where did you get that shirt?
- From Neil.
Oh, don't be afraid of the fire, Meg.
I won't let you burn.
Luckily, we're running a special
for the next 17 minutes.
I could probably just do
some push-ups at home.
- What's going on here?
- We invited Neil's family over for dinner.
My name is Chris.
I remember when Muriel and I had
our first kiss, and it was just awful.
And the other children,
they were very nasty to me.
Please flush the toilet twice.
But then it dawned on me. Your cruelty
merely stems from a deep-seated inner pain.
We go to Meg Griffin for a special Channel
Five junior anchor segment on the moon.
Recently, many of you saw me
kissing this freak of nature.
Aired 5 years ago - Nov 02, 2011
Gloria persuades Jay to commit to a night of salsa dancing after seeing how much his friend Shorty and his girlfriend do together. Cameron makes a bet that he can get a woman's phone number at the bar. Phil builds a tree house for Luke.
If it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack.
Who do you think you're talking to?
God ain't tougher than me.
- Can we move this along?
- Patriots suck.
Like Julie Andrews in that movie
where she showed her breasts.
Watch where you're going. Horace, put the
Pats game on the TV and get me a few beers.
- Transvestite! Back off.
And look who I had for dessert.
Asexual former mayor Ed Koch. Pah!
- That was lame.
- Poor Peter.
Come one, come all. She floats like a
butterfly and stings like when I pee.
Come on, Chris. We'll have to go to plan B.
He's teaching a class. I can't bother him now.
- I want you in my advanced class.
- Advanced class? No, no, no.
If you hurry, I'll let you try on hats.
I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on.
Nobody walks all over me. Those days
are over. Lois Griffin demands respect.
That's Randy, and that's Fred.
Randy is the messy one. Fred's very neat.
Now stay that way.
Excuse me, New Yorker. You're in my seat,
and I had sex with your mother last night.
Jets suck, Yankees suck, Knicks suck.
- Kathy, get in there with Lois.
- I can't. I have cramps.
- The bond is broken.
- Then spin the wheel, raggedy man!
This is mine.
This is where my babies come from.
Lois, I was watching that.
Whoa! What the hell are you doing?
Those are my graham crackers.
- Good Lord.
- I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry.
This is my fault!
I brought violence into this house!
OK, and now a word
from our sponsors.
Stewart, take this mommy doll and daddy
doll and show me how they act together.
those hammocky deposits of
gin sugars you call buttocks?"
I... I know who's responsible
for Stewie's behaviour,
Well, there seems to be a lot
of anger in your household.
- Don't censure me!
- No more anger!
"Lgnore her and only listen to me - Peter. "
"I'm the dog. I'm well-read
and have a diverse stock portfolio,
"Dear Meg. For the first four years of your
life, I thought you were a house cat. " Dad!
We're not taking pills. It's not natural.
That was fun. What country shall we do next?
Aired 5 years ago - Oct 19, 2011
Phil takes Haley to visit his alma mater. Claire goes out with Mitchell and Cameron. Gloria and Jay may have to broach a delicate subject with Manny.
Screw that. I busted my ass keeping Lois
busy so I could be here. Grip it and rip it.
- Mom, I found Dad's first clue.
- I can't believe your father organised this.
I'll kick his ass.
Someone ought to kick his ass.
- We'll be in the clubhouse.
- Go on, run away. More golf course for me.
Oh, yeah. Thank God I get to hang out
with a fascinating gent like yourself.
My, this is certainly a beautiful night.
I love looking at stars.
- Come on. Give Arte Johnson a kiss.
- Peter, stop it. I mean it!
I've never met a guy like you.
You're so full of life.
I can't believe I thought that looked good.
I must've been high.
I can't until you have a revelation.
One of those things that changes your life.
And now it appears there's
a woman chasing the dogs.
The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston,
wealthy young man.
- Sorry, Ma.
- Is sorry gonna reheat the casserole?
Oh, yeah. I'll tell you, Lois's dad
was a pain in the ass when I met him.
Take the rap for this. I only get one chance
to make a first impression.
And I'm taken with her. I mean, look at her.
Huh? Show us front and back there, Lois.
Are we talking a slope or full-blown
fried eggs hanging on a nail?
We were just about to sing
a song about mopping.
Ma, for God's sake,
leave me alone! I'm working!
Why can't you find a nice girl?
- I don't have skin!
- That's cos you didn't eat your beans!
But too late. Oh, and by the way, when the
lightning hit you, you soiled yourself. Enjoy.
Death, will you relax? The beach
is a perfect place to pick up chicks.
You have to counterbalance the weight
at the point where the lever pivots. Like so.
What was I thinking? You don't know
anything about picking up chicks.
- How about now?
- Your crotch just looks like Lois to me.
That one's a feminist type,
she's into he-men,
Sorry. That's Edward James Olmos.
Here, this is her.
Mom, hurry! I can't stand the smell!
- There she is. That's her.
- All right, go on. Just like we practised.
I'll, uh... This is a bad time.
Hope you live next door to me someday.
Nothing's too far away from Maxine,
the cheatin' queen. Women.
Holy crap! Do you see what I see?
- Sure. I get off at two.
- Great! Great! I'll meet you here.
- What are you doing here?
- Loretta's mom was hankering for a snack,
Oh, boy. You just put Peter in the
doghouse, which is where your mother...
She's just gonna be glad to see you.
That's how it was with Lois.
- Hi, Mr Pewterschmidt.
- What are you doing here?
Aired 5 years ago - Oct 12, 2011
Gloria tries to help Jay and Manny with their problems but both are unreceptive. Claire considers running against Councilman Duane Bailey. Cam and Mitch are the victims of a hit-and-run accident.
I remember the first time
Kevin beat me. I was so proud,
a 12-year-old prepubescent girl.
- Is it pixie dust or leprechaun tails?
- No, it's a tumour.
The end result of a drunken backseat
gropefest and a broken prophylactic?
Way to go, Stewie. Chris, I'll see
your fork and raise you a gravy ladle.
and she's all
"Don't forget your halftime routine. "
I demand to know
what you plan to do about this. Hey!
- Hi, Meg.
- Hi, Meg.
- They've held hands all night.
- I mean Meg.
No foul?! Oh, that's a stupid call!
And I know something about stupid calls.
- Now I'm at the office.
Win your enemies over
with unflappable kindness.
Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart.
I know what it takes to be cool.
- Whoa! How'd you get that?
- I spent the night with Mr Burler.
Wanna go push the janitor,
knowing he can't legally push us back?
In fact, a lot of women prefer them
to normal-size bananas,
I mean, mine goes inside me
when I stand up. How do you think I feel?
Stop it, Peter. You're embarrassing me.
Look, I know you're upset, but...
Don't worry, baby. I'll be gentle.
Yes. Now that they think you're their friend,
it's the perfect time to exact your revenge.
But keep talking. All this stuff about
eye-gouging has gotten me all frisky.
You see, Peter, the way we look at it,
a man's only as big as the gun he carries.
Who's the big man now, huh?
Don't be stupid. I don't need to compete
with my son or his freakishly large penis.
- How'd you get these blueprints?
- Oh, your mother has her ways.
Take a look at our new video.
- Me, too. Hold me.
So remember: Guns don't kill people,
dangerous minorities do.
OK. Now we're gonna play
Seven Minutes in Heaven,
Aired 5 years ago - Oct 05, 2011
Jay helps Manny with a school fundraiser. Claire petitions for a stop sign at a busy intersection. Phil and Luke try to create a viral video. Gloria searches for Stella.
Cam, whenever you get creative
in the kitchen,
We'd get, like, a million hits.
This is our double rainbow!
It hurt a little.
Oh, yeah. Sorry.
That was my bad. I got lost in my jams.
I know, right?
All I have to do is get 50 signatures,
So when she's not around or gets busy,
You know what?
Maybe I'll write it about you.
Can we not talk about business?
It was very hard on me.
"What's the difference between
'try' and 'triumph'?"
Oh, it's my pleasure. Stella!
just like in "Streetcar."
I cannot believe that
you did this to me yet again. Oh.
as one of his idiot friends,
then I've succeeded as a dad.
Hey, buddy! I'm home!
For the record, I am not a neat freak.
but a stop sign is really important.
but it's fine for them to build a house
I've been busy with my college essay.
Do you know what the difference is
between me and her?
Well, she's confused.
You seem like a very sweet little girl,
What if you couldn't feed your family
- I can't do it.
You'll never go broke
playing to a rich guy's ego---
Uh, just--someone sent me
to the wrong room,
Really? Oh, then we--
we're not in a rush, I guess.
Uh, almost. I have 34, but I--
- I get that. Sir, I'm trying to
save lives here... - Mom.
So what do you say?
I'm your husband.
"Stop in the name of life."
It's easy 'cause there's no stop sign.
Aired 5 years ago - Sep 28, 2011
Jay's relationship with the dog irritates Gloria. Phil and Luke try to master the tightrope. Cameron starts a juice fast.
come on, Dad! You got this!
You can do this!
This afternoon, we go airborne.
- I do that by choice.
- The school's choice.
You're a senior. What are you
still doing in second year math?
You wouldn't find it so funny
if she was destroying your shoes.
She tries to drink
the water. It's funny.
but sometimes we just
rise above things.
At the risk of surprising
you a third time, officer,
Have a nice day.
I just wish my sister would
put herself out there more.
Oh. Spaniards make
Cam, I-I was thinking, I'll take the
bullet tomorrow night at my boss' house.
Then why are you trying to
push me out of your life?
Well, I hadn't landed on that.
but I want you to know a little
part of me died today, okay?
And instead, what are you?
Two bickering half-Dunphys,
Right now our daughters are upstairs
making a decision they think is their own,
You want to go to the dance,
you gotta wear the shoes.
That-- that is not
a ringing endorsement for...
With these steps,
I break the surly bonds...
Good. Because we are thinking
we might want to stay in that class.
You want to chew on something?
Num, num, num, num. Num, num.
Actually, I've got
both of them in here.
So you've said.
to the school that my kids were
about to come out of, so...
And then one day somebody
gives you a fake cop outfit,
The other day, Uncle Mitchell
brought over a bag of junk food
It's okay. Hey, you
learned a lesson.
Well, maybe that's the problem.
- Yes! Can I have a doughnut first?
- Yes, you can!
You could have elevated the Dunphy name,
but instead, you chose to tarnish it,
All good, Janet. All good.
and I do not have the energy to
deal with a big, needy brisketcase--
but this is a whole new level.
- Gloria, sit.
- You think this is funny?
- Yeah, you used to put me first.
uh, with a lot of
these environmental causes.
and each time I'd go out,
I'd see this one sea lion.
Don't say it.
Don't you dare say it.
together 'cause we're
at your boss' house.
- Mitchell, get back here!
- Oh, Snorkels!
Aired 5 years ago - Sep 21, 2011
Lily has problems with Mitchell and Cameron's plans to adopt another child, Jay tries to get Manny to confess to stealing a locket at school, and Claire goes to extreme lengths to prove that she was right in an argument.
- There's a woodpecker on your head.
- Yeah, he comes and goes.
- Do you remember what he looked like?
- Yeah. He had a scar on his arm
Next auditions in New York
and Quahog, Rhode Island.
You guys can come, but you gotta
promise not to embarrass me.
Mm, I like your taste in women. Yes, she and I
are going to have a good time together.
Lois, I told you. There's no way...
Or you could make yourself useful
and wipe my button - circular motion.
You might notice that new-script smell.
See you at Disneyland. Bring money.
How can I follow that act?
Bite the head off a chicken?
- I don't wanna.
- Yes, you do. You do because it's normal.
Um... How old do you think Daddy is?
Daddy's feet smell.
Turn around. If you've got
something to say, say it to my face.
I think it's something I'd be excited
to be a part of, so call my...
- Brian, can we see you for dinner?
- Yeah, you're not too famous to see us?
- How about Musso & Frank's at eight?
- OK. See ya later, Mr Big Shot...
Catching up. OK, me first. I'm in love.
Ooh, too much dressing.
I wasn't talking about the show.
Ooh! I'm nasty.
- Hey, Peter. It's Quagmire.
Hey, we cool, G?
Yuh? Yuh? Yuh? All right.
It's a low-budget movie,
but the script is solid.
Musso & Frank's is famous.
See the bar over there?
Oh, boy. This is great. All that searching,
that emptiness I felt back home, gone.
- Oh, congratulations on all your success.
- Uh, thank you.
- And when I make my appearance,
Yes, and I'm tired of you people
always calling during dinner.
So, ready to shoot your first scene?
Can someone fluff Paul?
He's got a windsock thing goin' on.
- Are you sure?
- I just can't do this.
"On the set"! Listen to me. Two days in
Hollywood and I sound like a contract player.
Your husband's always away on business
and you feel isolated and unloved,
- Who the hell does Brian think he is?
- Maybe he thought we'd get in the way.
It jumped right out in front of my car.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Aren't you supposed to be
asking me a question?
Sorry. I thought the name of the show
was Kids Say the Darndest Things,
What you got there?
Oh, you're gonna go skiing now?
Here I go, down the slope.
- No, my segment's not over!
- Come on, you like to jump rope, don't ya?
And Ghost Dad was the best movie
I've seen since Leonard Part 6.
I'd rather they think I'm a jerk
than a smut pedlar.
Aired 5 years ago - Sep 21, 2011
While vacationing on Lost Creek Ranch, the three families try their hands at a little cattle herding, skeet shooting and horseback riding. There are also some big firsts, a huge surprise and an actual face-off between Jay and a cowboy named Hank.
That oughta fix it, eh, Jay?
- That's ridiculous.
- Okay, who's your son-in-law?
Oh, me. Me.
right now we'd all be
knee-deep in strudel.
Do I get to pick one for dinner?
You look like a dadgum conquistadora!
Hey! Piece of cake, huh, Jay?
We taking a little break over here?
Laying some pipe?
Now don't kick me, okay?
Oh, really? I ain't the one
I was wondering if we
could have a little chat.
'Cause sometimes I just get
this vibe you don't like me.
Oh, my God. Okay, we--
- And Mr. Dunphy was out
of the picture... - Mm-hmm.
♪ She'll be running
down the mountain ♪
- Oh, my gosh.
What? Are you serious?
So I can't think of a better time
Not now. Not gonna happen.
She's a child, so...
Just so you know,
there's a fan in my cabin
I-I slept on the couch
in the lodge.
I think you're overthinking this.
No matter what, he's always
going to be with her.
He said he was going out
for a walk last night,
What seems to be the trouble?
Fine. You know what?
I don't even want your kiss.
Right now he is facing
I need Buffalo Phil and Old-timer...
I've got my own problem.
What is so great about
we'll do it together, all right?
I want to talk to you about
Where are you going?
I do. I want a son.
No, you didn't.
I was never gonna marry Dylan.
I certainly didn't
when I was your age.