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SEASON
EPISODE

Season 3

Aired 5 years ago - May 23, 2012

Gloria's bilingualism comes in handy on Mitchell and Cameron's quest to adopt another child. Meanwhile, Jay and Manny help Lily get ready for a dance recital. Alex goes to her first prom, and Haley announces her future plans, which come as a shock to her family.

Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 24 (S03E24) - 1
For your information,
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And obviously, work at the GAP.
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I've been avoiding that on menus for years.
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Guys, you wanna take our charcuterie for the road?
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Sí. Van a estar esperando su llamada, muchísimas gracias.
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Ay, yes, of course! I would love to! Thank you! Thank you!
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Ciao, Jay! Ciao, Manny! I see you later, okay?
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No, no, no. Arms down here says, "I'm white and I'm sorry,"
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I stopped by the grocery store to get some stuff for dinner.
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And his name is me.
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It's a model of a plane that was built for Amelia Earhart.
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Wait! Wait, wait!
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Look what it does for your skin.
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Cheese.
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Ay, please stop driving the car like a snake.
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You know, like, "that bed's a double-pigger."
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but the hooker ended up being his long lost sister,
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I'm sorry, sweetie. I'm just sad you're missing it.
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were totally laughing with us.
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will always have that night.
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I'm in. Just give me a heads-up.
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- Um... - Listen...
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El bebé nació hace media hora y se encuentra perfectamente de salud.
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He was 7 pounds, 4 ounces, with thick hair and brown eyes.
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I don't know. The priest comes with great warning.
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en vez de a ti como su amante.
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Lily's dance is not up to the standard
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I think one of you should talk to her.
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That's good, right?
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I'm totally getting my life together.
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But then...
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is not gonna take its toll on that body and that face,
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Don't worry. I got your back, buddy. That's not gonna happen.
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Yes, I am alive.
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C-can we please just see our baby?
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She's saying that she's going to raise the baby.
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wandering toothless and alone in a postapocalyptic wasteland.
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This came yesterday.
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I don't care.
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- Really? - Yeah.
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- Hey, buddy. - Mr. D.
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I'm going to get something for my stomach.
Aired 5 years ago - May 16, 2012

Gloria and Jay bicker while trying to order lunch at a diner. Claire and Cam have different theories on how to discipline kids. Luke accepts an award under false pretenses. Phil has a hard time firing Mitchell from his temporary job at the real estate agency. The entire family participates in Alex's living art display of Norman Rockwell's Thanksgiving painting. MORE -LESS

Aired 5 years ago - May 09, 2012

When the family travels to Disneyland, Phil struggles to keep up with Luke, Claire is shocked when they run into Dylan, Jay and Gloria disagree about what are sensible shoes for the day, and Mitch and Cam must contain Lily's new affinity for running.

Aired 5 years ago - May 02, 2012

Phil buys a car without consulting Claire. Jay is on a mission to get to his high-school reunion with Gloria and Manny. Lily loses her favorite toy on a train.

Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 21 (S03E21) - 1
I played high school football with.
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This one's showier. This one's more expensive.
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Who's your daddy?
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and dates a girl who works at forever 21,
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Alex, be nice to your sister. It's dad's car, not yours.
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At least that's what I heard. You know, I was there
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Just surprised you didn't get the sedan, that's all.
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Uh, do you need a ride or anything? No. No, no,
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Cam. Cam. Hmm?
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And you never will.
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Oh, yeah. In that case, I'm 275.
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Is this car has the engine in the trunk,
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to pick her up on the way to the open house,
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I have no game. You're an adult. You can make your own choices.
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I've heard you sing. I think you're safe.
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This never would have happened if we were in the air!
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How about this one? Okay. Um...
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I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so critical.
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Yeah, 'cause other people might go and buy a crazy car
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Maybe I was a teeny bit mad.
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and we can't get parts for at least a day.
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We're gonna miss the whole weekend. I am sorry, Jay.
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Gloria, it's either this, or we're in the motel.
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Turtle or giraffe
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Lily, uh, what about Miss, uh, Teddy Bear?
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and I dribbled it past Michael and got it to Tyler...
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You're like Sigourney Weaver in "Gorillas in the Mist."
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And didn't it make you stronger?
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Not a damn thing. Nope.
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Home-challenged? Or...
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Fine.
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I-I can't... oh, for God's sake!
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This is not the massage I had in mind.
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No high-heeled shoes. And it wouldn't be wrong
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You know what? I'm taking Manny home.
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I may have exaggerated the size... kahuna I was.
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But you always made it sound like you--
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So this is all about you
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Manny! We're leaving! Get ready!
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Whatcha doing all the way up here?
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Without me? Mm-hmm.
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 18, 2012

A visit from Cameron's father features an awkward dinner for Jay and Gloria at Mitchell and Cameron's house. Claire helps Luke face the death of an older neighbor, Phil and Alex have a father-daughter bonding experience. Haley throws a party without permission.

Aired 5 years ago - Apr 11, 2012

Claire's race for town council comes to a head on Election Day as the Dunphys make phone calls for votes and Mitchell and Cameron take to the streets to campaign, while the candidate endures technical problems during some last-minute interviews.

Aired 5 years ago - Mar 14, 2012

Cameron is reunited with his estranged ex-clown partner, Lewis. Phil is serious about landing a very important listing, only to be trumped by a notorious bulldozer of an agent, Mitzi Roth. Manny has a cool new friend, which makes both Jay and Gloria suspicious.

Aired 5 years ago - Feb 29, 2012

Mitchell feels pressured to make Cameron's birthday extra special. People start to question Jay's manliness, and the girls interfere with Phil's leap day plans.

Aired 5 years ago - Feb 22, 2012

It's a day of disturbing realizations when Mitchell manages to ruin one of Jay's proudest golf moments, Phil overhears something that may forever change how he sees his little girl, and Gloria stumbles upon Claire's dangerous little secret.

Aired 5 years ago - Feb 15, 2012

Phil and Claire go overboard with drinks, and divulging personal information, on a night out to celebrate the sale of a house to Mitchell and Cameron's friends.

Aired 5 years ago - Feb 08, 2012

Phil's preoccupation with a business opportunity blinds him to his new partner's inappropriate behavior around Claire. Jay and Gloria may regret letting Mitchell and Cameron be their temporary house guests when their home is being fumigated.

Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 14 (S03E14) - 1
but my crew gave me the 411 on that skank and she's all about the bling-bling.
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He's just talking street. Lots of kids do it.
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I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew.
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I awoke several hours later in a daze.
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"It hurts like a bitch that I did last night
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Chris starts with all this "Yo, yo, yo" stuff, and I don't know what he's talkin' about.
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We haven't spent time together since we played Operation.
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Archaeological evidence shows Ireland was very different before the discovery of alcohol.
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Hey, Michael McCloud's just invented a new kind of beverage.
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That's more like it, son. Today we're gonna learn about the Griffin family history.
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Way to go, son. Here's a picture of your great-great-granddad, Osias Griffin.
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Thomas, would you please go look for a job?
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"So I took her head and stuck it by my butt and blew a huge fart right back at her. "
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I gotta tell Bonnie I'm sleeping with a black man!
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I'm telling you, Juice, she's screwin' around behind your back.
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Have yet to discover the secret of their mind-control powers.
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- I've found out I have a black ancestor. - Is that right? That's fantastic, Peter.
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- Wheelie time! Yee-hah! - Aaargh!
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Yeah, that's right. Y'all know that Exxon Valdez thing? That ain't how it happened.
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Although I think Connie Chung might've been substituting for him that night.
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Well, I should probably be saddlin' up now.
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You're the cheerleading squad's token blimp!
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from the family that enslaved my ancestors.
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- Hey, why is he taking one? - This is my friend Peter Griffin.
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I was there when George and Weezy moved on up to the East Side.
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And when Arnold Jackson got beat up by the Gooch, I was there.
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Way to go, Peter! You tell it like it is!
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They surprised us with a visit after I told them about your recent discovery.
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I think Chris and Meg should know the Pewterschmidt side of their ancestry too.
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Nothing. Just some fellow we fed and took care of in exchange for doing a few chores.
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Lois, your family owned my family!
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Argh!
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"Every four weeks, it's entirely normal for every young woman to... "
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Cindi is definitely the alpha of the group.
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I say! Nice ones, Jeanine.
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It's a dashiki. And don't call me Peter. That's my slave name. Call me Kichwa Tembo.
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- What are you talking about? - I want an apology and Rice Krispie treats.
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Screw the "Kichwa". Make it out to "Peter", P-E-T-E...
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Hey, from down there, does it look like I'm talking into a bunch of robot penises?
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"It's a crazy, messed-up place where anything can happen
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- OK, say it. - Mekka lekka hi... God, I hate you so much.
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So it's agreed: We'll keep on pretending to like pigs' feet just to confound the white man.
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But... that's not true.
Aired 5 years ago - Jan 18, 2012

Claire prepares for her debate with Duane Bailey. Mitch and Cam try to clean up Lily's language before her turn as a flower girl. Jay blames Stella's strange behavior on Gloria.

Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 13 (S03E13) - 1
Figure out what he likes and study up on it.
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"I'd be more apathetic if I weren't so lethargic. "
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Oh, I get it. That's kind of funny. Yeah, can I have a copy of Jugs?
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I'll be right back. I gotta go take a wicked "yes".
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- No, you didn't. It's still dripping. - I'll give you all my Star Wars cards if it is.
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- Oh, my. - Do we... do we rub his nose in it?
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I know. It's just, I should be able to control my baser instincts,
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I said, I know the guy that... Oh, I'll tell you later. I love this song.
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We now return to "World's Sluttiest Dogs" on Fox.
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I know someone who's getting a gift certificate for liposuction in her stocking.
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- What is she? A 45-footer? - Peter, I didn't know you were a sailor.
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- And this is a '74 Pinot Noir. - Mmm, lovely.
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I'm glad. It seems like everybody's having a lot of fun.
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He walks up to the premier of China and says "Dong, where is my automobile?"
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Oh, no. Head-hunters. Am I fired?
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Carrot Top, uh... Sean Hayes... Oh, you get the picture.
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- Oh... That is... - Is that something?
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Peter's an anti-trust lawyer with the Justice Department.
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- Are aces high or low? - They go both ways.
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You can beat him, Mr Pewterschmidt. He's bluffing.
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You disgust me! Get out of my face!
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Me too. I gotta be at Disneyland. We're ethnically cleansing the Small World ride.
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- What's a quarter? - Well, we gotta give him something.
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- Ohh... - Think about that.
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- Wow. - I actually had a good time with you tonight.
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- Having fun, Peter? - I put all my poker winnings on your dog.
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No, he's awkwardly positioning himself... Now he's violating Sea Breeze.
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You had better not have ruined my race dog.
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But, unfortunately, not for another nine weeks. She's pregnant.
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I am gonna go back in time and stop Brian from getting it on with your dog.
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See. I made a picture of you and me out of glue and macaroni.
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We're going to see Bobby Darin at the Copa tomorrow, right, Charlie?
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- Oh, really? Anything nice? - No.
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- Let's call Pewterschmidt. - Let's take the jet packs.
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the whereabouts of Sea Breeze, the heiress to the Pewterschmidt fortune.
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out to destroy his brother's reputation.
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He can't hear you. Besides, it's not him that's getting to me, it's your father.
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I'm gonna sue your dad for custody!
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- You're just having your period. - This court will now come to order.
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- Aah... - Waa!
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Pauly Shore!
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There, I just saved you two long boobless hours.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 13 (S03E13) - 50
But first I want you to testify against that horny mutt of yours.
Aired 5 years ago - Jan 11, 2012

Jay and Claire take control of their kids' school projects from Manny and Luke, while Haley and Gloria help Phil with a real estate presentation. Cam and Mitchell meet with a potential birth mother.

Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 1
You deserve a fighting chance.
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The point is, I'm not helping,
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- Really? - Mm-hmm.
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he did not attend.
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Think! Think... to do. Thinking... I am,
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Hey, Gloria? Quick favor.
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if I was helping my kid and didn't want me to know.
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Like this. Look.
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You don't wanna have sex, but you do want a baby.
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My theory is, a fish is a fish.
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Oh, really? You didn't need help carrying six scones?
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Very good. Now let's get out there,
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I was wondering,
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 14
Fire the confetti cannon, drop the banner,
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Is it okay?
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Oh, yes. This is wonderful for conversation.
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Just be warned-- there's some furniture in there
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Oh, well, you're preaching to the choir.
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- Okay. - Great.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 20
Mm. Yes, I saw.
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Huh. His latest test run, he dropped it off the roof,
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Oh, well, you know, after so many landed safely,
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we're gonna test it later today at the school.
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♪ Nobody knows it ♪
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♪ I won't go breaking your heart ♪
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Well, I think he was following my lead.
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Why did you have to do your toes, too?
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of residential real estate...
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Let me just call the cab company.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 34
Yeah, I know, we're not supposed to have favorites.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 35
Okay. I shouldn't even be giving you this hint, but...
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 36
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Oh, hey, I think we're all tired of that sound.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 38
about this mysterious sixth key.
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In fact I don't think I need to interview any more people.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 41
But what you're not saying is wonderful!
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 42
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♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, no, I just want you to stay ♪
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 44
because she decided to keep it.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 45
Okay. What's done is done.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 46
We came late and we ruined your whole presentation.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 47
supposed to treat each other!
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You yell at me because you love me!
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 12 (S03E12) - 49
That's a pretty nice piece of handiwork
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Great. So we both win.
Aired 5 years ago - Jan 04, 2012

Phil contemplates the worst after missing a call from the doctor. Javier, Manny's biological father, pays another visit to take his son to the horse races, Mitchell wins an environmental law award, creating a competition between Cam and himself on who has the better trophy. Gloria tutors Haley in Spanish.

Aired 5 years ago - Dec 07, 2011

The family puts together a quick Christmas celebration when they realize they won't be together on the actual day.

Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 1
Until next year,you mean.
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God,has that thing paid for itself.
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Won't be christmas with it. It's december 16th.
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Express christmas will be done by 9:00.
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Come on,haley. It'll be fun. A lot of fun. We can go to target. Okay?
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I know you are. Stay on the beams.
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Ay,that's nice.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 9
I don't hear the difference.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 10
Ugh. There's like a hundred things on this list.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 11
All the training,the hours of dedication...
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 12
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Yes. Thank you. Thank you.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 14
and we just got a shipment that might be perfect for you.
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December 16th.
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You bet you will.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 17
do you have any more tape in that thing?
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 18
That's a lot of tape. Nobody can get in.
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which is ironic because it's so tiny?
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Yeah. Um... On that boat.
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I mean,we watched our first football game together five years ago,
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Fine. We'll put a cork in it.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 24
Okay. Where do we stand?
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I also got the doll,so I'm all set. I'm gonna leave in five.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 27
Too late to change my mind?
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And... One more pack of gum.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 29
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That's how craigslist works.
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Can I see the cash?
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Come on. It's christmas... At our house. It's a long story.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 33
Now it is.
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I think he said,"a butterball's a turkey." I was reaching for the turkey.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 35
Joe dimaggio.
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Fair condit - Garbage.
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And it smells like mothballs,just like nana.
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- The tree! - I can't watch!
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Check it.
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This is it.
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Now stick it in the top of the tree with the good part facing out. Come on.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 44
but that's okay 'cause we are gonna put it back together.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 45
If you get real close,they look like turkeys,and everyone gets their own.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 46
Phil!
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 10 (S03E10) - 47
and we'll just push dinner back by a bit.
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Probably by the same maniac who ran over the tree.
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- I'm going to my party. - No,no. No,you're not.
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No! Nobody goes anywhere.
Aired 5 years ago - Nov 23, 2011

An old neighborhood kid returning to town as a internet billionaire gets Phil thinking of what could have been. Jay feels Manny could use some constructive criticism, Cameron is offended when Mitchell questions the authenticity of his colorful childhood stories.

Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 1
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- 7.30, 8.00? - Fabulous! What shall I bring?
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 3
- Pit. - Pit. Come on, it's my first day.
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- Chris! - And I'm Liesl.
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Bam!
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Our original name was Bermuda Grass.
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Brian, quit it. You're embarrassing me.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 13
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Ah. Peter, it's OK. It's just Death.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 15
in the home of an employee who claims Weed choked on a roll.
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Ech, who hasn't done her? Do her.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 17
until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 18
Isn't that right, Saul? "Yes, sir. " Thank you.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 19
Good morning. Camera time.
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Hello, friends. If you are watching this, I am dead, and I bet you're pretty bummed.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 21
OK, we've got your typing test here
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 22
I only have another week and a half here, and I have completely checked out.
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Sorry, we're out of towels. Let me get that for you, sir.
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He's sampling a few things, searching for something that fits him just right.
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Yes, you go to Maple Street, and then take a left, and then you go...
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 27
He was so forgetful, whenever he tried to remember a name, he drew a... "blank".
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 28
Sell some stuff we don't really need.
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- Really? - Yes!
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Oh, Peter!
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Nah, not really. It kinda all goes back to when I was 18.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 33
But at that time, I was ready to believe anything.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 34
I was saved by the one and only Black Knight of the Quahog Renaissance Fair.
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I took so many, I thought I was Mr Peanut.
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You're a candy-ass maggot!
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 37
- Welcome, apprentices. - It's him.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 38
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- OK, I'll come back later. - Damn rookies.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 40
Hey, you! Drunkie.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 41
If I'm gonna impress the Black Knight, my lance must be with me at all times.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 42
Oh, thou wishest to feast on the appendage of a humble ovine.
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Uh, sure. Whatever floats your boat.
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Oh, God! Peter, play dead! Curl up in an ass ball or something!
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 46
OK, that's much clearer.
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Did you just say "big meat"?
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 48
I'll be watching him from the stands,
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 49
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 9 (S03E09) - 50
Aired 6 years ago - Nov 16, 2011

The Pritchetts rally for a good cause after a neighbor's house burns down, but there's a downside when Jay throws out his back, Cameron takes on a moving truck, and some donated toys fall into the wrong hands.

Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 1
We all know Captain Picard is the superior officer.
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There's a law against teaching the evolutionary theory
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 3
Oh, my God! That's Tom Tucker from the news.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 4
- Better hurry up, Mr Tucker. - I'm coming.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 5
In other news, school board elections took place last evening.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 6
Hi, Meg. You know how cute I think you are.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 7
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 8
A phony lives here. A big fat phony!
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 9
Those chowderheads on the corner busted your stones.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 10
- I thought she was dead. - She's alive.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 11
and produce your own on-air report.
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I guess so.
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- Give it to me! Give it to me, Neil. - Yeah. That'll work just fine.
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Here's where we produce our celebrity interviews.
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- Uh-oh. Twelve minutes to Wapner. - I understand your hectic schedule.
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This'll be more exciting than when Brian taught me about Columbus.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 19
Columbus discovered America entirely by mistake.
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- Go, Stewie! - Yay, Stewie!
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Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world, it makes my heart burst.
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I'm sorry, but there's a handsome man in my spoon. Come back later.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 23
I added something to your coffee I don't think you're gonna like.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 24
- It's cool. Too cool for you. - No, no. I think it's right where I'm at.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 25
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Mr Tucker, has anyone ever told you your eyes are...
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 27
This is Peter. You know what to do.
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That means you'll get to ride in the news chopper. I'm so jealous.
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Dan Rather thinks he can condense a whole day's events into a half-hour.
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I never got the chance to be some drunk college guy's last resort!
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Time to sign off.
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Hugh Downs away!
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 35
but the real story was inside the mouths of Meg Griffin and Neil Goldman,
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 36
and begin life anew as Meil.
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You don't know anything about me!
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 38
I'm here to turn myself in. I have a dismembered hooker bleeding in my trunk.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 39
- Where did you get that shirt? - From Neil.
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Oh, don't be afraid of the fire, Meg. I won't let you burn.
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Luckily, we're running a special for the next 17 minutes.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 42
I could probably just do some push-ups at home.
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- What's going on here? - We invited Neil's family over for dinner.
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My name is Chris.
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I remember when Muriel and I had our first kiss, and it was just awful.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 46
And the other children, they were very nasty to me.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 47
Please flush the toilet twice.
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But then it dawned on me. Your cruelty merely stems from a deep-seated inner pain.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 49
We go to Meg Griffin for a special Channel Five junior anchor segment on the moon.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 8 (S03E08) - 50
Recently, many of you saw me kissing this freak of nature.
Aired 6 years ago - Nov 02, 2011

Gloria persuades Jay to commit to a night of salsa dancing after seeing how much his friend Shorty and his girlfriend do together. Cameron makes a bet that he can get a woman's phone number at the bar. Phil builds a tree house for Luke.

Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 1
If it ain't funny, it ain't worth Jack.
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Who do you think you're talking to? God ain't tougher than me.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 3
- Can we move this along? - Patriots suck.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 4
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Like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 6
Watch where you're going. Horace, put the Pats game on the TV and get me a few beers.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 7
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- Sure. - Transvestite! Back off.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 9
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And look who I had for dessert. Asexual former mayor Ed Koch. Pah!
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 11
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- That was lame. - Poor Peter.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 13
Come one, come all. She floats like a butterfly and stings like when I pee.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 14
Come on, Chris. We'll have to go to plan B.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 15
He's teaching a class. I can't bother him now.
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- I want you in my advanced class. - Advanced class? No, no, no.
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If you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on.
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Nobody walks all over me. Those days are over. Lois Griffin demands respect.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 22
That's Randy, and that's Fred. Randy is the messy one. Fred's very neat.
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Now stay that way.
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Excuse me, New Yorker. You're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night.
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Jets suck, Yankees suck, Knicks suck.
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- Kathy, get in there with Lois. - I can't. I have cramps.
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- The bond is broken. - Then spin the wheel, raggedy man!
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This is mine. This is where my babies come from.
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Lois, I was watching that.
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Whoa! What the hell are you doing? Those are my graham crackers.
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- Good Lord. - I just want you to know, Brian, I didn't cry.
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This is my fault! I brought violence into this house!
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OK, and now a word from our sponsors.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 38
Stewart, take this mommy doll and daddy doll and show me how they act together.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 39
those hammocky deposits of gin sugars you call buttocks?"
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I... I know who's responsible for Stewie's behaviour,
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 7 (S03E07) - 42
Well, there seems to be a lot of anger in your household.
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- Don't censure me! - No more anger!
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"Lgnore her and only listen to me - Peter. "
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"I'm the dog. I'm well-read and have a diverse stock portfolio,
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"Dear Meg. For the first four years of your life, I thought you were a house cat. " Dad!
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We're not taking pills. It's not natural.
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That was fun. What country shall we do next?
Aired 6 years ago - Oct 19, 2011

Phil takes Haley to visit his alma mater. Claire goes out with Mitchell and Cameron. Gloria and Jay may have to broach a delicate subject with Manny.

Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 1
Screw that. I busted my ass keeping Lois busy so I could be here. Grip it and rip it.
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- Mom, I found Dad's first clue. - I can't believe your father organised this.
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I'll kick his ass. Someone ought to kick his ass.
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- We'll be in the clubhouse. - Go on, run away. More golf course for me.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 7
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Oh, yeah. Thank God I get to hang out with a fascinating gent like yourself.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 9
My, this is certainly a beautiful night. I love looking at stars.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 10
- Come on. Give Arte Johnson a kiss. - Peter, stop it. I mean it!
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I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life.
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I can't believe I thought that looked good. I must've been high.
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I can't until you have a revelation. One of those things that changes your life.
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And now it appears there's a woman chasing the dogs.
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The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man.
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- Sorry, Ma. - Is sorry gonna reheat the casserole?
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Oh, yeah. I'll tell you, Lois's dad was a pain in the ass when I met him.
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Take the rap for this. I only get one chance to make a first impression.
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And I'm taken with her. I mean, look at her. Huh? Show us front and back there, Lois.
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Are we talking a slope or full-blown fried eggs hanging on a nail?
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We were just about to sing a song about mopping.
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Ma, for God's sake, leave me alone! I'm working!
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How romantic. Why can't you find a nice girl?
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 28
- I don't have skin! - That's cos you didn't eat your beans!
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But too late. Oh, and by the way, when the lightning hit you, you soiled yourself. Enjoy.
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Death, will you relax? The beach is a perfect place to pick up chicks.
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Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 33
You have to counterbalance the weight at the point where the lever pivots. Like so.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 34
What was I thinking? You don't know anything about picking up chicks.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 35
- How about now? - Your crotch just looks like Lois to me.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 36
That one's a feminist type, she's into he-men,
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 37
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 38
Sorry. That's Edward James Olmos. Here, this is her.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 39
Mom, hurry! I can't stand the smell!
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- There she is. That's her. - All right, go on. Just like we practised.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 41
I'll, uh... This is a bad time.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 42
Thanks, Quagmire. Hope you live next door to me someday.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 43
Nothing's too far away from Maxine, the cheatin' queen. Women.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 44
Holy crap! Do you see what I see?
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 45
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- Sure. I get off at two. - Great! Great! I'll meet you here.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 47
- What are you doing here? - Loretta's mom was hankering for a snack,
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 48
Oh, boy. You just put Peter in the doghouse, which is where your mother...
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 49
She's just gonna be glad to see you. That's how it was with Lois.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 6 (S03E06) - 50
- Hi, Mr Pewterschmidt. - What are you doing here?
Aired 6 years ago - Oct 12, 2011

Gloria tries to help Jay and Manny with their problems but both are unreceptive. Claire considers running against Councilman Duane Bailey. Cam and Mitch are the victims of a hit-and-run accident.

Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 1
I remember the first time Kevin beat me. I was so proud,
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 2
Apparently, you're a 12-year-old prepubescent girl.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 3
- Is it pixie dust or leprechaun tails? - No, it's a tumour.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 4
The end result of a drunken backseat gropefest and a broken prophylactic?
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 5
Way to go, Stewie. Chris, I'll see your fork and raise you a gravy ladle.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 6
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and she's all "Don't forget your halftime routine. "
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 10
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I demand to know what you plan to do about this. Hey!
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 12
- Hi, Meg. - Hi, Meg.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 13
- They've held hands all night. - I mean Meg.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 14
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No foul?! Oh, that's a stupid call! And I know something about stupid calls.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 16
- No. - Now I'm at the office.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 17
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Win your enemies over with unflappable kindness.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 22
Come talk to me sometime, sweetheart. I know what it takes to be cool.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 23
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- Whoa! How'd you get that? - I spent the night with Mr Burler.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 29
Wanna go push the janitor, knowing he can't legally push us back?
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 30
In fact, a lot of women prefer them to normal-size bananas,
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 31
I mean, mine goes inside me when I stand up. How do you think I feel?
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 32
Stop it, Peter. You're embarrassing me. Look, I know you're upset, but...
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 33
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Don't worry, baby. I'll be gentle.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 35
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 36
Yes. Now that they think you're their friend, it's the perfect time to exact your revenge.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 37
But keep talking. All this stuff about eye-gouging has gotten me all frisky.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 38
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 39
You see, Peter, the way we look at it, a man's only as big as the gun he carries.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 40
Oh, yeah. Who's the big man now, huh?
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 41
Don't be stupid. I don't need to compete with my son or his freakishly large penis.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 42
- How'd you get these blueprints? - Oh, your mother has her ways.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 43
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 44
Take a look at our new video.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 45
- Yes. - Me, too. Hold me.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 46
So remember: Guns don't kill people, dangerous minorities do.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 47
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Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 5 (S03E05) - 50
OK. Now we're gonna play Seven Minutes in Heaven,
Aired 6 years ago - Oct 05, 2011

Jay helps Manny with a school fundraiser. Claire petitions for a stop sign at a busy intersection. Phil and Luke try to create a viral video. Gloria searches for Stella.

Aired 6 years ago - Sep 28, 2011

Jay's relationship with the dog irritates Gloria. Phil and Luke try to master the tightrope. Cameron starts a juice fast.

Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 1
come on, Dad! You got this! You can do this!
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This afternoon, we go airborne.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 3
- I do that by choice. - The school's choice.
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You're a senior. What are you still doing in second year math?
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 5
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You wouldn't find it so funny if she was destroying your shoes.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 7
She tries to drink the water. It's funny.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 8
but sometimes we just rise above things.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 9
At the risk of surprising you a third time, officer,
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 10
Have a nice day.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 11
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I just wish my sister would put herself out there more.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 13
Oh. Spaniards make amazing athletes.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 14
Oh.
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Cam, I-I was thinking, I'll take the bullet tomorrow night at my boss' house.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 16
Then why are you trying to push me out of your life?
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 17
Well, I hadn't landed on that.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 18
but I want you to know a little part of me died today, okay?
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 19
And instead, what are you? Two bickering half-Dunphys,
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 20
Right now our daughters are upstairs making a decision they think is their own,
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 21
You want to go to the dance, you gotta wear the shoes.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 22
That-- that is not a ringing endorsement for...
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 23
Like what?
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With these steps, I break the surly bonds...
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 25
Good. Because we are thinking we might want to stay in that class.
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You want to chew on something?
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 28
Num, num, num, num. Num, num.
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Actually, I've got both of them in here.
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So you've said.
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to the school that my kids were about to come out of, so...
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 33
And then one day somebody gives you a fake cop outfit,
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The other day, Uncle Mitchell brought over a bag of junk food
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 36
It's okay. Hey, you learned a lesson.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 37
Well, maybe that's the problem.
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- Yes! Can I have a doughnut first? - Yes, you can!
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 39
You could have elevated the Dunphy name, but instead, you chose to tarnish it,
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 40
All good, Janet. All good.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 41
and I do not have the energy to deal with a big, needy brisketcase--
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 42
but this is a whole new level.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 43
- Gloria, sit. - You think this is funny?
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 44
- Me? - Yeah, you used to put me first.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 45
uh, with a lot of these environmental causes.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 46
and each time I'd go out, I'd see this one sea lion.
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Don't say it. Don't you dare say it.
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together 'cause we're at your boss' house.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 3 (S03E03) - 50
- Mitchell, get back here! - Oh, Snorkels!
Aired 6 years ago - Sep 21, 2011

Lily has problems with Mitchell and Cameron's plans to adopt another child, Jay tries to get Manny to confess to stealing a locket at school, and Claire goes to extreme lengths to prove that she was right in an argument.

Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 2 (S03E02) - 1
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- There's a woodpecker on your head. - Yeah, he comes and goes.
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- Do you remember what he looked like? - Yeah. He had a scar on his arm
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Next auditions in New York and Quahog, Rhode Island.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 2 (S03E02) - 5
You guys can come, but you gotta promise not to embarrass me.
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Mm, I like your taste in women. Yes, she and I are going to have a good time together.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 2 (S03E02) - 7
Lois, I told you. There's no way...
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Or you could make yourself useful and wipe my button - circular motion.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 2 (S03E02) - 9
You might notice that new-script smell.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 2 (S03E02) - 10
See you at Disneyland. Bring money.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 2 (S03E02) - 11
How can I follow that act? Bite the head off a chicken?
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- I don't wanna. - Yes, you do. You do because it's normal.
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Um... How old do you think Daddy is?
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 2 (S03E02) - 14
Daddy's feet smell.
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Turn around. If you've got something to say, say it to my face.
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Wah! Wah!
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I think it's something I'd be excited to be a part of, so call my...
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 2 (S03E02) - 19
I'm hungry.
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- Brian, can we see you for dinner? - Yeah, you're not too famous to see us?
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- How about Musso & Frank's at eight? - OK. See ya later, Mr Big Shot...
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Catching up. OK, me first. I'm in love. Ooh, too much dressing.
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I wasn't talking about the show. Ooh! I'm nasty.
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- Hello. - Hey, Peter. It's Quagmire.
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Hey, we cool, G? Yuh? Yuh? Yuh? All right.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 2 (S03E02) - 26
It's a low-budget movie, but the script is solid.
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Musso & Frank's is famous. See the bar over there?
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Oh, boy. This is great. All that searching, that emptiness I felt back home, gone.
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- Oh, congratulations on all your success. - Uh, thank you.
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- Great. - And when I make my appearance,
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 2 (S03E02) - 31
Yes, and I'm tired of you people always calling during dinner.
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So, ready to shoot your first scene?
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Can someone fluff Paul? He's got a windsock thing goin' on.
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- Are you sure? - I just can't do this.
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"On the set"! Listen to me. Two days in Hollywood and I sound like a contract player.
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Your husband's always away on business and you feel isolated and unloved,
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- Who the hell does Brian think he is? - Maybe he thought we'd get in the way.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 2 (S03E02) - 42
It jumped right out in front of my car. Oh, I am so sorry.
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Aren't you supposed to be asking me a question?
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Sorry. I thought the name of the show was Kids Say the Darndest Things,
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 2 (S03E02) - 46
What you got there? Oh, you're gonna go skiing now?
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Here I go, down the slope.
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- No, my segment's not over! - Come on, you like to jump rope, don't ya?
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And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.
Recap of Modern Family Season 3 Episode 2 (S03E02) - 50
I'd rather they think I'm a jerk than a smut pedlar.
Aired 6 years ago - Sep 21, 2011

While vacationing on Lost Creek Ranch, the three families try their hands at a little cattle herding, skeet shooting and horseback riding. There are also some big firsts, a huge surprise and an actual face-off between Jay and a cowboy named Hank.