Aired 10 years ago - Mar 25, 2014
Jake’s investigation of philanthropic civic leader Lucas Wint is shut down by Commissioner Podalski. Still determined to crack the case, Jake enlists Amy and a reluctant Captain Holt to help him uncover more evidence, to help him uncover more
evidence, even if it means facing suspension. Meanwhile, Charles is devastated over pre-marital problems with Vivian, and Gina knows just how to cheer him up.
MORE
-LESS
Peralta, do you have any evidence
to support your suspicions?
But just for the record,
I think you're both wrong.
the depth and complexity
of my thoughts,
All of my breakups
have been completely mutual.
Sarge and I will cheer up Charles.
What?
No.
We were gonna grind.
Look, Podolski is wrong.
Wint is guilty.
Oh, crap.
Where'd he go?
Look, let's just agree to say "I'm
sorry" on the count of three.
I'm Amy Santiago,
and I'm done talking.
You're on administrative leave.
I got a confidential
informant I need you to meet.
My internal GPS has been
recalculating for a week.
as a charitable donation
in their account book.
I know I'm asking you to stick your
neck out, but please trust me.
Present.
Have you ever been dumped?
Look at us, three rogue cops
I will... Not.
Now, we're going to have to go
through this point by point.
I'm gonna charm her.
Yeah, come on in, Boyle.
Take a plate and smash it.
We can't just go
in there in our uniforms.
According to
the community center calendar,
Upstairs is closed to the public.
Okay, I'll see you in a little bit.
Add stuff.
Embellish your asses off.
I only heard Detective Peralta
talk about Lucas Wint once.
I'd just like the record to reflect
Okay, we begin with a free-dance
period to the spicy sounds of rumba.
- Okay.
- Ho, hoo.
How did you get so amazing at dancing?
He...
God, that guard
by the door will not move.
Dance, dance, dance, dance.
So glad no one heard me say that.
I have nothing.
And your grandmothers' little dogs.
We believe that Wint has ties
to the Ianucci crime family.
We'd like you to be yourself.
His cover story is that he was fired.
Peralta doesn't have the
authority to do any of this.
Aired 10 years ago - Mar 18, 2014
When Jake gets the weekend off, he decides to take on a cold case that everyone thinks is unsolvable, but with the help of Terry, the two try to crack the case once and for all. Meanwhile, Amy plans a romantic trip with Teddy and Gina and Rosa let Charles in on one of their best-kept secrets.
What are you doing in here?
Talking to Vivian.
It's always to tell Vivian,
"bitch, get your life right!"
Can you release my arm?
Sounds like you two have a wonderful
lesbian vacation planned.
I volunteer all my time.
I'll just tell the Captain I made
a mistake, and he'll understand.
I am the King of origami napkins.
Or maybe case 52ABX-DASH-32QJ is
waiting for someone to de-unsolve it.
No witnesses, no leads,
minimal evidence.
I've always wanted to solve that case.
Nate Dexter was a small-time
crook who pissed someone off.
Except our attitudes.
the harder the solve
the sweeter the solve.
We need to tell Charles about Babylon.
[Whispering] I shouldn't tell you this,
(Jake) All right, convict.
We're making progress!
The next chart shows
the drop in the crime rate
I'm getting my wisdom teeth pulled.
He's in the infirmary.
good name for my debut hip-hop record.
There used to be a transit
police squad down here.
a zebra-skin rug, and the toilet
paper is, mm, triple-ply.
Blood pact!
Ahh!
You know anything
about the murder of Nate Dexter?
You were right.
It still hurts, but I can
make it till tomorrow.
But that's not gonna work...
He's a good, good dude.
I pushed pretty hard.
Where's what?
[Mouthing words]
It's, like, the fifth time.
You think my husband killed him,
but I guarantee that's impossible.
We had a lead, now it's dead.
Neither of us can understand you at all.
and I made plans to go to the
Berkshires with my boyfriend.
Oh, no.
No! What?
Charles betrayed us
and I will make him pay for it.
Ask me a question.
She makes me all of us feel things!
I don't know why you wanna spend
the entire weekend at work,
What happened to you?
She doesn't know who killed Nate Dexter.
Come with me.
I was just not asking
the right questions.
Sophia's husband.
Ho-ho!
Right?
How'd you do that?
Aired 10 years ago - Mar 11, 2014
Charles asks Jake to be the best man at his wedding, a role that requires Jake to be supportive in important wedding decisions, ranging from cake tasting to floral arrangements. Meanwhile, Terry, Amy and Gina support each other as they start a new extreme diet and Holt helps Rosa make a sincere apology.
Hey, Deetmore.
He could've blown
months of work!
I'm a very sweet person.
I'm usually more
of a chocolate guy,
Two... One.
Charles, Charles.
You're not Scottish.
Lunchtime.
Wait's over.
Oh, God!
[Groans] Damn, Gina!
Turns out I gave up easy.
Best man...
whatever you need, I will do.
Retire?
Other than my job
and my friends and my family,
that you don't want to move
to Canada.
[Sighs]
She's not gonna say any of that
How's your apology
to officer Deetmore coming?
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
- It's like sea glass.
- You do you.
I hope you get hit by a truck
I hope you drown in a tub!
this page about how my life
is New York,
Charles,
a professional calligrapher.
All right,
I'm gonna go talk to Vivi.
You can't tempt me, traitor,
Santiago loves cantaloupe time.
It's not too late.
Traitors!
Yeah, but you didn't mean it.
Hope you feel better.
- and you're gonna talk to her for me.
- Oh, no.
Meal, I mean.
What? Get off of me!
That was a fake excuse.
You're my best man.
Please help me.
for a little while?
I'm fine.
Just a tummy gurgle.
Diet messed up my system.
Of course you're not.
Weren't the two of you talking
about maybe moving there?
Mm, mouth full.
I love you.
Is that true, Charles?
Is that what you want?
We're leaving.
I was that rat and got zapped.
I think you're a leader.
I did everything right.
I can't believe he would
turn on me like this.
you're not handing in
those retirement papers
And also for making fun of you
behind your back.
Come on,
we can go over it upstairs.
Aired 10 years ago - Mar 04, 2014
The precinct heads to Tactical Village Day, a mandatory training course in which all regional precincts compete. While there, Amy runs into Teddy, a fellow officer she used to date. Meanwhile, Holt becomes addicted to a game on his phone and Rosa is pissed at Charles for not inviting her to his wedding.
Aired 10 years ago - Feb 25, 2014
Jake's crushing debt finally catches up to him, and he is in danger of losing his apartment, unless Gina can find a way to bail him out. Captain Holt and Sergeant Jeffords hold performance reviews for the entire precinct, and Rosa and Boyle have a run-in with one of the weekend squad officers.
so I have to buy it.
"Empanadas, Atlantic city,
birth control."
It's a culinary tour
of a pig's digestive track.
I hate him
and his face garbage.
It is always so crazy
coming back here.
to afford this place.
I meant the money thing.
Was it a difficult movie
for you to follow?
See? It's impossible
to find anything in here.
But I was actually talking
about this guy I know, Frank.
Sir, I know we got off
to a weird start,
I am.
My biggest flaw?
Boyle, call an ambulance.
Look, I'm not a bank.
Well, I'm happy
this went terribly.
Come on, Gina.
Get on board.
I'm tom Selleck.
Park my chopper on the beach.
Jake, the co-op board meeting
was an hour ago.
about my financial situation,
With all due respect, sir,
that's not fair.
And you wear a suit, and...
Based on your judge-y eyes,
A homeless cop.
I mean, maybe we'll find
a great place.
that he works out too much.
and every now and then,
I smoke a cigarette."
I'll be right back.
Oh, Murphy bed.
Well, normally, Lohan hits
the locker room
What? No, I wish.
I went out
for some fresh air,
of course.
of 14 arrests.
The key is you use your hands
like scoopers.
Course he did.
Yeah, I'm poor.
I'm not a savage.
I've rented the same
crap box since I was 20
Whoa, whoa,
you be my landlady?
Grow up, Jake.
Oh, good.
Jake--
I know.
yeah, that's smart,
given my track record.
Oh, my God.
But your biggest flaw is...
Aired 10 years ago - Feb 11, 2014
Detective Boyle's new romance has upped his swagger, but Jake intervenes before his colleague goes "Full Boyle" and gets too serious, too soon, with his girlfriend. Meanwhile, Rosa and Amy have trouble taking a costumed citizen crime-fighter seriously, and Captain Holt has a new opponent.
Truly odie to america's
garfield. Mm-hmm.
Gonna write,
"charles loves v."
Way too fast, and it always
ends in heartbreak.
I know when
I'm going full Boyle.
I'm busy right now,
working on this...Excuse.
Thanks, you guys.
I'm gonna miss this place.
People will respect
my authority.
No? Okay.
Who has trouble finding love
for himself.
If this will convince you,
more than happy.
And spoon-feed you caviar.
You really care about
this little club, huh?
[laughter]
Find out everything you can
about this jensen.
Probably. That's great.
Hey, can I have
my phone back, please?
Are springing out of me
like a fire hose.
Hey, can I get your file
He's been perching
on rooftops at night,
Yep, be nicer to virgins.
In the netherlands.
With sunglasses
and roller skates--
We're all set for
the double date tonight.
We don't have
to talk at all.
[imitating gunshots]
I love your dress.
Aww.
Let's eat.
[chuckles]
oh, no.
Oh, good idea.
But it's like,
at a certain point,
(gina) on behalf
of captain holt: Floorgasm.
(gina)
did you like it?
Do you want a president
who struggled against all odds
My stomach is in flux.
Definition of inside-out.
I know.
I borrowed the waiter's phone
Sarge, you made your point.
He refuses to cooperate
with you.
Do you know what gravitas
sounds like?
He hasn't spent
the last 25 years
(brian) thank you all for your time.
[uproarious laughter]
That is why
I withdraw my name
But I will impeach you,
if necessary.
Speaking of,
here is your coat.
No, charles!
Well,
[both screaming]
How you holding up?
Ahh, it's so sticky,
but it feels so good.
Aired 10 years ago - Feb 04, 2014
The officers in the precinct head over to Holt’s house to celebrate his birthday, but they wind up making a poor impression on his husband.
I just stand in the middle of
the room and don't say anything.
You're gonna say is
we can't be late.
You said so many things
about shorts, I got confused.
That will be $1,600.
Ah, welcome.
Evening, so glad
you could make it.
Our home has
a "no shoptalk" policy.
No, we haven't,
and we need to.
That's right, yes.
I head the classics department.
And let the detectives
settle in?
We've been here
all of four minutes,
That's a word I learned
for this party, and I am it!
That's great stuff.
Don't worry, it's just, like,
hats and scarves and stuff.
Keep a low profile,
chuckle at anecdotes.
Okay.
Or was it three weeks?
No, four.
Stop eating crab wrong!
I'm vivian ludley.
I work with Kevin.
Chickpeas, tahini,
smoked paprika...
No, hey!
My notes!
Nope.
How 'bout you?
I was thinking how I would make
the perfect american president,
Oh, man, it's black Tom Selleck
and white Sidney Poitier.
Can I help you?
The 1950s movies
that are from the '50s.
Come on! Why doesn't my life
always work out perfectly?
This song gets to me
every time.
Bu-u-u-ooh...
One time, I had
coffee-flavored ice cream.
We were discussing--
yes, so interesting,
Excuse me one second.
But I actually got academic
dispensation to eat one once.
At any given moment,
I'm thinking about one thing:
Oh, I didn't buy it.
It came with the house.
But clearly, I have only
scratched the surface.
Seriously?
Hold this, I gotta go.
What are you doing here?
I cannot believe
you would both violate
Your employees are the ones
putting a damper on the party.
No! Get away!
I made you invite them
because I like them.
Occupied?
Aired 10 years ago - Feb 02, 2014
Jake and Amy investigate a string of hotel robberies together, but Jake turns on her when he finds out she may leave the Nine-Nine to work in the Special Crimes unit with “The Vulture”. Meanwhile Captain Holt and Sergeant Jeffords strategize to make the precinct more efficient.
We have four minutes.
We can do this.
I spilled coffee on you
by accident.
I told you,
I didn't know the guy.
wrap my shirt
around your face.
We did it, Gus!
Whoo!
Sorry the tear gas
made you look like
Good-bye. It's learning.
I can leave it there.
to catch deadbeats went great.
drink beer, and eat chips
of various textures.
lecturing him
on how to make a sandwich.
We need
to compstat the office.
without anyone
knowing what we're doing,
Oh, it's just
a lousy desk job?
Right, so you know
about Rosa's anger incidents.
down the hall from her desk?
But is this the same guy?
Oh, no.
♪ Olemme sobrad kasu ♪
Well, that's unusual.
down that woman's throat
to get her car keys?
Must have stolen
the bellhop uniform.
It's going really well, sir.
and he grabs something
that's usually unflattering.
Well, I really can't blame her
on this one.
I distracted her
with a mirror.
This is Detective
always-stays-loyal.
You'll blow our cover
if you go up there.
My name is Roger strikewell,
It is this old "vase,"
"vahs" if you're nasty.
He flew too close
to the sun,
of paperwork processing.
I collect antiquities.
I'm a serious person.
I think you could use it
for a variety of things.
Boom, okay, the idiot
gets the sock in the mouth.
sold my item to the man
You broke my other leg.
Uh...
Yeah, good day.
Okay, whatever.
You know what?
Ah, a human greeting,
nicely done.
Santiago wants
to make Captain one day.
Aired 10 years ago - Jan 21, 2014
On his first task back in the field, Terry busts a steroid ring, and in doing so, takes cues from Jake on how to harness his emotions. Meanwhile, Amy and Rosa help solve a breaking-and-entering case at Gina's apartment.
I'm fine,
but I suffered the loss
You think these
buffoons can help?
Could you ask Scully
to return my thumbtacks?
Let's talk strategy
later tonight at my house.
No, I really do.
Sorry I'm not rich
like you, miss 1%.
$160 in cash, one TV,
No, I can't, silly sue.
Sorry about the mess.
You know, I just want
to let you guys know
We can't let anything bad
happen to him.
for having his year-long
freak-out, but I get it now.
If you have concerns, maybe you
should talk to Terry about it.
Well, I say
we slow-play it.
I got your back.
Jake, I promise.
I'm good.
Crime tech report from
your apartment came back.
Should I buy a handgun?
Yes, that is it's definition.
I was the strongest kid in
my camp seven summers in a row.
of the water fountain
by two degrees.
Well, according to my new
cloud-based scheduling system,
The longer we wait the more
likely our cover gets blown.
You Trent?
Two...
You're not even moving.
Let's go.
Don't do this.
He asked to borrow
my squat belt, I told him no,
I didn't.
Brooklyn bulk fitness.
Or did you compromise
an investigation
I didn't get much sleep.
How do you know if your
husband's a murderer?
Sporm. Out.
There is...
Except now the ebony falcon
is monogamous
You're talking right now!
Experience the future
of cloud-based scheduling.
He always makes
last-minute appointments,
Are you sure
I shouldn't go get him?
The whole team is running
smoothly and perfectly
was the girl
with the dragon tattoo.
and you weren't cops,
wouldn't you be scared?
This has taken
a strange turn.
a.K.A. me, here at 10:00.
that I definitely told
Charles to tell you about.
You gonna talk to me now?
I don't want your daughters
growing up without a dad.
Aired 10 years ago - Jan 14, 2014
Jake and Amy’s ongoing bet about who can make more arrests comes to a close. Meanwhile, Charles receives the Medal of Valor for getting shot in the line of duty, but the pain medication he is taking causes him to reveal his true opinions about his colleagues.
That horse is a damn hero.
Captain, hey.
and arresting more perps,
especially this last week.
Both of you have done
exemplary work,
Dismissed.
Isn't that, like, your fifth
cup of coffee today?
What's going on with Boyle?
I'm worried you don't
find me interesting.
Correct.
Bring in the Johns.
Five, four, three, two, one.
No.
♪ Celebrate good times, come on!
♪ Whoo!
This is for you.
Happy?
Thank you.
Believe it or not,
Won't be a problem.
Okay, let's take a seat.
with Detective Boyle today.
He did what?
Why is this the first
I'm hearing about this?
You are a piece of work,
Terrance.
Now I know that tonight
is Boyle's big night.
Hey.
playing one saxophone.
♪ You suck so bad
What are you saying?
and have a real
conversation with her?
I sometimes worry
I'm gonna become you.
for 28 minutes
this morning.
Santiago and I will be
performing the steerage jig
Channel that passion
into the dance.
I have far, far too many
non-refundable deposits.
Oh, thank God.
I just did
what I had to do.
Terry said
it just happened.
to be out of that dress.
Oh. Okay. Hold on.
Hmm?
I bet there's a better vantage
point from the roof.
when he said
that his choice to go back
I want to hear this.
you better man up.
But if you ever keep
anything from me again,
Man, I don't know
how Batman does it.
clutching
a bunch of cash.
Yeah, you do know me.
I got it,
I got it, I got it.
We're already here.
Aired 10 years ago - Jan 07, 2014
Jake is interested in one of Rosa's perps, Doug Judy who has information about the "Pontiac Bandit," a car thief whom Jake has been tracking for years. Meanwhile, the station tries to accommodate a scooter-bound Charles' every need when he returns
to work, but he proves to be too much to handle. And Captain Holt struggles to find a home for two puppies.
MORE
-LESS
Absolutely.
Ouch.
who stole Pontiacs.
He's a super ghost!
That's bill.
My husband's dog cheddar had
relations with our neighbor dog
That's my lifestyle.
So the burner phone
that Doug Judy used
but I've been chasing him
for a month.
It's your call.
It's a pact we made.
Yeah.
Never too busy to see my mama. Oh.
for down-on-their-luck
white people.
you know, so you can
get back to architecturals.
I love getting
to know people.
Think of it as marrow nugget
wrapped in a thick toenail.
Thank you.
Fievel!
Papa!
It's him.
♪ Makin' the tears rain down
like a monsoon ♪
Gina, we've been
looking all over for you.
Pedal, pedal, pedal, pedal,
pedal, pedal, push.
and I have ten loose
diner mints in my purse.
There's no sign of anyone.
They're with me.
They have not heard the last
of Carl mangerman.
I can't let those innocent
pups into that madhouse.
No, we do not. Something
doesn't smell right to me.
I can't let the Pontiac bandit
get away.
What?
That's not how this works.
You got choppers?
With snipers and rockets?
That's great!
Oh, okay. Right there.
Please turn off
all cell phones
And weed?
Talking about cars.
I would've just
stayed at home,
But actually you do have
a lot of hair products.
you're close enough
for me to catch you.
So then you hired a guy who
matched that exact description.
So you dragged us over here,
went in there,
we let you go to
the next meeting by yourself.
Why don't you come back here
and take me out to dinner?
Aired 11 years ago - Dec 03, 2013
Captain Holt receives death threats and Jake is put in charge of his security, a job he enjoys and abuses as much as he can. Meanwhile, Amy attempts to get the precinct to take a Christmas photo for Holt, but a lack of enthusiasm and Rosa's refusal to smile defeats her efforts. Also, Sergeant Terry Jeffords gets his mojo back.
and I will be willing to put
my life at risk for this man
Why are you going
on a singles cruise?
Hey, what say you
we grab a drink?
I'm impressed, Charles.
That's very mature.
But we can make him the greatest
Christmas card of all time.
(Amy) Don't worry, sergeant.
We'll add you in later.
I could take a pic of myself
dressed up as an elf.
watching, protecting,
bossing you around.
Let me do some recon.
[Grunts]
Sergeant Jeffords,
thank you for coming in today.
Good. But for today,
let's... fixate on those fears.
Do you know why I chose you
to be my security escort?
you can come to my mom's.
You can just throw your jacket
in the closet.
[Indistinct mumbling]
I'd like to text my husband
Fine.
All right, so here's
all the pictures of Rosa
Guys... I got this.
Next time, I break it off.
A fun safe house
is a safe safe house.
Wow, I would not
have guessed that.
I order you to be quiet.
[Sighs]
Liquor store, holdup,
gun, die.
You texted Boyle
when you told me
Boyle?
and it just moved.
Ah! This is just like Christmas
at my parents' house.
"You will drown
in your own blood."
Colin Haimes,
the freestyle killer.
had such cool names?
I'm finding Haimes
alone.
and here's what it says.
I don't wanna involve you,
or Boyle, or anyone.
And after that swim,
I might take another swim.
Right.
Thank you, sir.
Haimes was released
two weeks ago.
I know there's no point
in telling you not to come,
If things go south,
I just want you to know
I have a backup flight
in four hours.
[Melodic ringtone]
When this is all over, we should
take a train trip together.
Aired 11 years ago - Nov 26, 2013
Amy wants to host a Thanksgiving dinner for the entire precinct, but it turns into a holiday disaster when Holt and Jake have to leave to go catch a perp. Boyle steps in to save Turkey Day.
- Scully.
- Hey-a, Sarge.
your ornamental cornucopia,
It's not a big deal.
Wait, are you only hosting dinner
because you wanna suck up to Holt?
Same to you, Your Honor.
No, there's nothing.
to celebrate this holiday
like a normal person.
Thank you, Boyle.
Oh, my God, Amy, that's so cool that
you still live with your grandmother.
I have to practice my toast.
I'd rather spend Thanksgiving
at your house than with my sister.
He's here! Okay, he's here, everybody.
Be cool.
Nice work, you two.
run to appliance stores
and trample each other to death.
I want you to toast.
Now I wanna eat toast.
when they think
no one's watching.
- Good idea.
- And if's none of them,
who gives me a reason
to get out of bed every morning.
There were two men
released from holding today
Good. Did that.
Now punch it.
- (Scully) Amy, the toilet's overflowing.
- What? Ew!
Terry, you said
you ate the whole turkey.
I'm a textbook people-pleaser.
I have a serious problem.
But it does say,
"Boyle believes obvious lie."
- The murder of his wife.
- Peralta, take this seriously.
(Jake) I'm vegetarian.
Eating meat is murder.
Please refrain
from make believe this time.
forgot about a form
we need you to sign.
Excuse me.
It can all go away
so quickly.
But he didn't do it.
- My bookie has it.
- Yes!
I'll just age myself 60 years,
become Chinese and female.
- Tommy, can we order some food?
- The cook's gone. I sent him home.
I was ordering a drink
called "A Rough Night."
[Overlapping chatter]
- There is nothing here.
- Don't worry, guys, I found food.
- There, the one with the water stain.
- There's a lot of food up there?
No, this will not
be our Thanksgiving.
Put it down!
The money was still in the bookie's safe.
All the numbers match.
Look, Jake.
so I guess I'm stuck with
my awesome old traditions.
Hey. What are y'all
doing here?
Aired 11 years ago - Nov 19, 2013
When Sal's Pizza burns down and the fire marshal quickly assumes that the owner is the prime suspect in the investigation, Jake does everything in his power to prove him wrong, even if it means stepping out of his jurisdiction. Meanwhile back at the precinct, chaos ensues when a computer virus publishes everyone's browser history.
So my command
is your command.
for "magic-themed
singles night"?
Ropesburg P.D.
Offered me a job
but it doesn't seem
like it's worth it...
"Mouth-feel"?
What is that?
but Boone is King doofus
of doofus island.
My name is savant.
Don't give candy to a baby!
They can't brush their teeth!
Use Gina.
She's my assistant,
Wow, it's like watching
meet the press.
file that for you, Jake?
The first dollar bill
I ever made.
Yeah, of course.
then we'll move on to the rest
of your competition,
Cone.
- Nope.
- Weird.
Me? No, I am just
filing evidence, sir.
In a word, yes.
A little gasoline... fah!
A little match.
But way more importantly,
I did a little research,
This is a dead end.
Well, I know my way around
a computer, that's for sure.
But seriously, what's
your favorite Jay-Z song?
Yeah, we're all just calm,
cool, collected...
That's just gross.
Oh, my God, enough.
These firemen
are not moving.
The son is adopted.
Your wife is in a coma.
He's a cute kid.
Aah!
What's going on
is that Peralta
Get off him, Boone!
You big marshmallow!
for Detective Peralta's
actions,
He overstepped
his jurisdiction.
Captain reads my blast.
Halfway through our last season,
he left me and my mom,
Just leaves his son
like that?
But first,
let's hug like men.
What's going on?
Hi, sergeant.
because this is the most
boring place on earth.
But I'd go with Simon Walker.
is gonna handle that?
Fine, what was with
the flossing?
Captain,
turn your greatest weakness
so I bet he'd love
a steady paycheck
because I've spent most
of my adult life hating you
Looks like it was jimmied open
with a crowbar.
- Did you get it?
- Uh-huh. My turn?
Aired 11 years ago - Nov 12, 2013
Jake's dream comes true when he gets to spend the day with his hero, Jimmy Brogan, a former crime reporter. But the dream becomes a nightmare when Jake's comments about Holt and the precinct are considered "on the record." Meanwhile, Terry and Charles try to teach Rosa how to be less terrifying on the witness stand.
"Unload."
Great choice of words.
Why?
I'm fine on the stand.
[Taps gavel]
Ms. Diaz.
Oh, good God, why do you
smell like an ashtray?
to the perp's IP address.
Got it.
A mafia thug pried
both his kneecaps off
Sit up straight, all right?
Be aware of your hands, okay?
I know how to blink.
Maybe I should
roll over there, help out.
and an openly gay man
like me...
They were great detectives.
I mean, they were legit.
Could he really light
a matchstick on his face?
Pfft!
I eat coffee grounds.
Eh, it's not... bartender.
Look who's here.
"Who's the friend of yours
with the ping-pong?"
Throw it!
I believe in you.
Well, I'm around.
Boyle, pull it together.
That's actually
my wedding suit.
Hey, Jake.
You've been alive forever.
and declared bankruptcy.
distract you
from your work.
What? No, no. Why did
I use this algorithm?
All right, so if we ignore
all these fraudulent purchases
I'm glad you could
be here for this.
Hoo! Yeah!
fighting against
the rising tide of hair bags.
but you, sir,
are old-school.
She's dressed right.
We coached her.
I caught Mr. Ladd
physically beating his boss
Brogan just sent me
the quotes he's gonna run.
We were just hanging out,
being old-school.
Those quotes
cannot run.
I look like a psycho
up there!
to your happy place.
[Slurps]
Mmm! Carbonara!
Is that something
people wanna do?
I was clearly
not in control.
All right,
I will talk like a man.
but you don't know
who initiated the fight.
From things that I said
about this precinct
Yeah. But that caveman
kinda had it coming,
Aired 11 years ago - Nov 05, 2013
When Jake makes an arrest without a lot of proof, he only has 48 hours to collect evidence, or else the "perp" will be released. After his unsuccessful interrogation of the suspect, Jake forces his co-workers to spend their weekend helping him crack
the case. So, while the team is stuck at the precinct, Charles judges a pie contest between Gina and Rosa, and Holt helps Terry look better in the eyes of his in-laws.
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of sleep chin-ups
on muscle memory alone.
Uh, you think you can
just bully people,
Wouldn't you like to know?
I-I-I don't even like food.
An effective use
of your limited time.
That was fun.
No, you actually
have 48 hours.
I've only got, like,
10 bucks.
How long were we asleep?
Is that a nightgown?
If any of you are missing
hand sanitizer, he drank it.
So we both
had good answers.
I'm gonna go take
another crack at Whitman.
Thank you.
Did not work.
Yes, I'm positive.
We're never leaving here.
I can't believe you think
so little of me
Well, he's nice,
I think the perfect first date
doesn't feel like
So pretty much the same
as what I said.
Because I'm so nice,
I brought two pies.
You got a second, Captain?
Yeah, okay.
Oh, wow.
If you wanna know which
restaurant has better pies,
an hour before the robbery.
You used to go
straight to prison!
That's not good.
I'm just glad I keep a toothbrush here.
Oh, cool.
I brought a few more.
That's so many.
but that only
makes it worse.
Tiny Terry
loves his pickles.
I was in the poconos
with my wife.
It's up to you.
I love the saltwater taffy
down there.
You know,
if it does come to that,
That's literally your job.
when dudes lie to them.
Ugh, it's not him.
Amy, look.
There is a guy out there
because my name
is definitely Jessie.
- That's bad news.
- Right. That is bad news.
gunning for a lawsuit.
No, not that.
Oh, your services
will not be necessary,
Plus, you know, we spend
so much time together here,
Good.
Aired 11 years ago - Oct 22, 2013
It's Halloween night, a busy time of the year for any police precinct. Amy detests the holiday, and is not thrilled when she has to don a costume to go undercover on street patrol with Charles. Back at the precinct, Jake bets Captain Holt that he
can steal his Medal of Valor before midnight, which results in him bringing out some costumes of his own.
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"Unload."
Great choice of words.
Why?
I'm fine on the stand.
[Taps gavel]
Ms. Diaz.
Oh, good God, why do you
smell like an ashtray?
A mafia thug pried
both his kneecaps off
And don't be afraid
to smile.
I know how to blink.
Brogan can tag along,
maybe write some stuff down.
I never would have been
given a command.
They were great detectives.
I mean, they were legit.
Could he really light
a matchstick on his face?
Pfft!
I eat coffee grounds.
Two scotches.
How was your night
of old-school drinking, hmm?
And lastly,
Throw it!
I believe in you.
Grab me if anything
develops in your case.
Why are we meeting
in the ladies' room?
Yeah.
No.
How'd you used to cure
hangovers?
Hitchcock turned out
just fine.
So I assume you're not
too hung over to do said work?
We're only tracking people
who use the stolen cards.
and go back far enough...
[Beep beep]
Mike Halbrook.
Good job.
I'm never drinking again.
fighting against
the rising tide of hair bags.
but you, sir,
are old-school.
She'll be okay.
I caught Mr. Ladd
physically beating his boss
I slammed Holt
like 50 times.
I was off the record
the whole time.
It would be
devastating for Holt.
Yes. You have to
pull it together.
What's that?
Sounds stupid.
Great!
Now I'm starving!
What'd you wanna
talk to me about?
Well, maybe you should learn
to handle your brown.
Except I punched him
in the face
To be perfectly candid,
Your client instigated
the fight.
to a reporter while drunk
and insisting he record me.
Oh. He didn't tell you.
Aired 11 years ago - Oct 15, 2013
A detective from Special Crimes, takes over Jake’s nearly solved murder case and steals his thunder. Over a few drinks, Jake enlists the precinct to get revenge and find the murder weapon before “The Vulture” does. Across town, Captain Holt and Gina help Terry get re-certified to carry a gun.
And I am choosing Charles
because he's the least likely
so my tactical skills
are a little rusty.
Another incident?
We'll go after work
to a private range.
(Jake) I know we've
gone over this before,
does not have
a secret knife-hiding place.
Thank God!
Here, hold this.
I think it's something spiral,
like a corkscrew.
Oh!
Hello, Peralta.
Yo, how much you bench,
seriously?
Yes, Boyle, I put that together
from context.
Oh, congratulations,
Detective Boyle.
Oh, yeah? Did Nancy drew solve
a lot of murders?
What was it, six hours?
Thanks, champ.
Good effort.
Me too.
But he's kind of hot.
One, two...
I got it from here.
Best idea gets 50 bucks.
(Gina) Like this?
Now, what stance
am I supposed to be doing...
Why are you counting
my shots?
You only have one hit
until you get recertified.
(Jake) All right.
Here's what we're up to.
Thank you, Charles.
That could take weeks.
Hey, do you carry
a hair dryer in your purse?
(Holt) Look,
I understand that you're upset.
Why is Jake smi...
Why are you smiling?
Okay, screw it.
I'm in.
and it was not
the first time.
But I just get so excited,
So then iceman says,
"you can be my wingman any day."
90 seconds later,
wife goes down to the doorman,
No, you're the husband.
The husband had the affair.
No, we checked the trash,
like, ten times.
Toss the corkscrew
out the window,
That seems a little harsh.
I can't see
far enough down.
We're cops.
Broad shoulders!
I hope you take the shot.
Only, maybe he just bumped up
against the panel
[Screaming]
So we get the collar,
not major crimes.
And starting now,
I will be.
Aired 11 years ago - Oct 08, 2013
Much to the team's annoyance, Jake hits on an attractive medical examiner, Dr. Rossi, at a crime scene and holds up the autopsy report. He learns his lesson when Dr. Rossi turns out to be more than he bargained for. Meanwhile, Amy's purse-snatching
case is stalled when the sketch artist is out sick, but she discovers that Sgt. Jeffords has hidden artistic talents.
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-LESS
Blammo.
♪ There isn't a lot
to spare ♪
Only problem is,
the sketch artist is out sick.
What do you need,
Quasimodo?
I've never been happier.
Spoiler alert:
It was not starvation.
Looks like maybe his belt
Okay?
Is he?
Can you help me out?
Do you even
want your purse back?
- Thanks, Arnie.
- [Laughs]
You look like an idiot.
I'm sure the soft drink industry
mourns his passing.
to do nothing, so.
the autopsy results
tomorrow.
- who brought us together.
- [Laughs]
Okay, just let me know
when she calls.
Sex is something that two adults
do with their bodies
but I can't tell if what
happened was weird or sexy.
Cold?
Like a dead guy?
Wait, that's bad,
right?
Initial assessment:
Blunt force trauma.
Perfect.
You know, I take over a crime
scene, I'm a bad secondary.
I mean, it's impossible
to read that guy.
what's bothering him,
it's me.
Still waiting on
the autopsy report.
Good.
but her credit card bill shows
only one ticket booked.
I mean, he's really coming into
his own as a secondary.
(Dr. Rossi) Huh.
So it is.
Ah, thank goodness
you're here.
Cut the crap, Peralta.
What, did you
have sex 40 times?
Actually,
with a body this size,
this chest cavity
for me.
Ugh.
I want it included
in the crime stats.
It'll cheer the Captain up.
I'll get both.
Wanna see
something cool?
- Here, you wanna hold it?
- No!
So, to cheer you up
I had Terry do this painting
What?
No ornate gold frame?
Thank you.
Dismissed.
Boyle was right.
Aired 11 years ago - Oct 01, 2013
Jake has a slew of unsolved cases that he can't seem to close, and the other detectives don't want his losing streak to rub off on them. Meanwhile, Holt asks Amy to run lead on the Junior Policeman Program for at-risk youth, and she enlists Rosa and Gina's help. Also, Boyle helps Sergeant Jeffords with a special case he cannot solve.
I'm concerned
that the open cases
It should be.
[imitating old lady]
"That's my grandson."
Absolutely, sir.
Hey, sarge, I need someone
to fill out a lineup.
Oh, great.
I'll take my shirt off.
to become student snitches?
It's nothing personal,
it's just...
Oh, my darlings.
Thank God I found you.
You're so much shorter
than you used to be.
was not to caress
her butt.
What? Here's
a hypothetical question.
is get married
and then divorced.
We're helping Jake's friend
got out of his slump.
That sounds fun.
Yeah.
[Coughs]
Narc!
if you continue
down this path.
Black people can sell drugs!
It's just driving me
a little crazy.
I got multiple calls that
a guy in the sackett towers
All right, Boyle.
Or I could solve
the super easy one,
So are you!
And if you don't get
your crap together,
That's never
happened before.
These are mules.
and my penis and my feet.
Fore, comin' in!
Good to know.
The freakiest things
have been happening to me.
It happened to a friend
of mine back in the 1-8.
It was actually
quite violent.
or the squad.
Hitchcock, stop bringing
your food
Mm, I thought
only cops could help.
Help me out, man.
I'm so bored.
like this, for good luck.
[Whimpering]
Look... this screw
has three pointy sides.
118a.
No clubhouse.
or at-risk or bad dressers.
[Christina Aguilera's
beautiful playing]
♪ 'Cause you are beautiful
And you get to carry a gun.
Who wants in?
Aired 11 years ago - Sep 24, 2013
When Jake is late for roll call, Captain Ray Holt assigns him to a graffiti case that Jake feels is below his level. However, when the culprit turns out to be the Deputy Commissioner’s son, the case becomes a major problem. Meanwhile, Gina’s psychic friend visits the precinct and gets inside Charles.
Well, it's surprising
because you would think
is a psychic,
and she's ready to help you.
And I did.
on ladies' footwear.
So basically, everyone's
first eight guesses in hangman?
What's insane
is how you refuse
Okay.
Did he let you play
your mixtape?
She was right.
She died two years later.
Say "thank you," Charles.
Say hello
to Harvey Norgenbloom,
But the sandals
define Harvey.
and I'm not gonna
let you screw it up
And when you show me
that you can do your job...
every part
of the job perfectly,
Ow, ow, ow.
Hi, so I was able to procure
that $50 after all,
Writing a perfect report.
It was nice working with you.
[Laughs]
You know what they don't
teach you at the academy?
about my life.
Where was it?
Sorry this is
taking so long.
My name is
banana fartman, md.
I hate to be the bearer
of bad news,
Mm-hmm, she said
"blue" and "yellow," Charles.
Oh, little boo-boo.
Hey, look at this.
I'm not sure
how things work here,
Or we could round down
to 20,
Are doing tonight?
[Sighs]
I mean, my report
has over 25 pages
and making this call
is part of your job.
Man, you were totally right
about the cocaine,
and getting
seriously injured.
he fires me, and I spend
the rest of my career
she's kind of a cute blonde
named Erica,
Okay, thank you
for that, Santiago.
You want this collar?
Paperwork's all done,
and you can hang out in
that category all by yourself.
Well, my career
is over.
and some chocolate I was saving
for a special occasion.
Nothing.
He makes straight "A"s.
He's going to Duke next year.
because nothing happened.
Have a good one.
I'd get badly hurt,
so I'm not chancing it.
You make
your own destiny.
Aired 11 years ago - Sep 18, 2013
Detective Jake Peralta is a talented, but carefree police detective at Brooklyn's ninety-ninth precinct who, along with his eclectic group of colleagues, are used to having a lax captain around the office. However, when tightly-wound Captain Ray
Holt takes over, he is determined to make this dysfunctional group of detectives into the best precinct in Brooklyn.
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-LESS
Hey, Gina.
Look, a Rihanna concert's
a pretty big swing, man.
Hey, you heard anything
about the new Captain?
Fire extinguisher
roller chair derby?
[Robotically]
Following every rule
That's not necessary.
he cares that you follow
his direct orders.
Does anyone get
a little bit of a gay vibe?
Though to be fair,
it was accurate.
Hey, man, you okay?
You look a little jumpy.
Well, Scully, Hitchcock,
and Daniels.
It's Scully.
He got you a scarf.
Oh, my head!
My muffin, my head!
The only puzzle
he hasn't solved
Absolutely, sir.
Great work, Detective.
Secondly, your rabbi
is a pain in my ass.
They had it
at my uncle's funeral.
Welcome to the murder.
What are you doing here?
Um, I just happened
to notice
Citizen Kane is terrible.
Pick a good movie.
Number one, you let me
use your office
she has to go
on a date with him.
[Knock on door]
Yes.
All right, got it.
Police! Open up!
And what's worse, Santiago
struck out with a 92-year-old.
why do you refuse to
take my orders seriously?
- Yep.
- What about this fancy ham stuff?
Oh, okay.
so you tried to steal them
from him
Don't I know you
from the grocery store?
But some bonus good news...
I wish I could get
assigned here full-time.
[Light disco music]
"Murderers we let go."
Oh, well,
just to be safe,
We're not seeing
a movie together.
Anyway, I think
I got something good here.
hence, the muddy red footprint
on Morgenthau's counter.
let's share it
with the whole team.
Must've used cash.
Secondly, Captain,
I don't try to hide it.
(Rosa)
Here.
Oh, well,
just to be safe,
We're not seeing
a movie together.
Anyway, I think
I got something good here.
hence, the muddy red footprint
on Morgenthau's counter.
let's share it
with the whole team.
Must've used cash.
Secondly, Captain,
I don't try to hide it.
(Rosa)
Here.
When did you come out?
But all I ever really wanted
was my own command.
But on the flip side,
there's Ratko.
[Sighs]
Okay.
I'm going.
Captain,
I just figured it out.
Yes, you did.
Now just arrest Ratko.
What's wrong with you?