Aired 8 years ago - Apr 19, 2016
After a surprising turn of events in the Nine-Nine’s attempt to track down Adrian Pimento’s hitman, the precinct drops everything when they suspect Holt is in danger.
"And when this is all through,
Great instincts.
Never doubt yourself.
He's leading us right to him.
Were you stern?
So pregnant.
We're officially lost the trail.
He's been gagged.
It's because I've been
electrocuted so many times.
You and Hitchcock
are killing it!
Actually, I was gonna
throw Raymond over the side
You still have that file with
all the evidence against him?
Nice timing, Sarge.
Smart.
This is a good hiding space.
Figgis has people
in the NYPD and the FBI.
We can go to my apartment.
- ♪ I'm from ♪
- [sighs]
The cancer has spread.
Okay, let's go over
our exit strategy
keeping me from worrying
about the squad
while the squad is in danger.
His cerebral blood circulation
is infarcted.
Doctor, do you need me
to start a line?
♪ ♪
Her architecture firm?
nothing will, nothing will.
♪ ♪
- How are we gonna escape?
- Relax.
Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!
I've been taken hostage here.
No, no, call the FBI.
The room needed a pop of color.
I've never actually been there,
but Pitbull's videos
Oh, yeah.
Can I have your cherry?
What if something
happens to Jake,
You got me through the spiral.
Okay, not the dynamic start
I wanted,
I don't think that was
as vicious a burn as he thinks.
I don't understand
the difference.
♪ Jizz jang jingle jazz ♪
No tools, Diaz.
You're gonna tell us
where it is.
and ask why all the other
hypothetical daddies
♪ Cymbal-cymbal-cymbal-cymbal
cymbal-cymbal ♪
I hate to rub it in, detectives,
Oh, my God.
What's going on?
The file is
in a safe deposit box.
Even context clues
have failed me.
who spells "Anderson"
with three Ns?
Aired 8 years ago - Apr 12, 2016
With Pimento’s life still in peril, Captain Holt calls on an old friend in the FBI to help with a seemingly impossible heist. Meanwhile Amy makes a breakthrough while undercover, and Terry and Gina discover an information leak in the Nine-Nine.
We are, but it's
not going well.
[both sigh]
Terry, you're gonna have
to be more interesting
Printer's fixed.
Wow, look at that.
What a great magazine.
He appears to
be rifling through
Not thank you. Not thank you
at all, you dirtbag.
I want to talk to him.
Alone.
Can't believe we haven't
even arrested him yet.
Yeah, that's
because he's guilty,
is to break into the FBI
and steal the file.
Blueprints for the New York
Headquarters of the FBI.
My lint is approximately
1 centimeter in diameter.
If I go into this bathroom,
I could climb through this vent,
I heard him mention
"Sex and the City."
I'm flexible.
I do a lot of yoga.
to meet with me?
You think our cover's blown?
Oh, thank you, doctor.
- Oh.
- Cut the crap.
Everything okay in here?
Oh. Well, that's very possible.
Okay.
What about you, Scully?
- 12.
- No!
So there's Carrie, Miranda,
Charlotte, and Samantha,
[energetic rock music]
[grunting and screaming]
let's break into the FBI.
let's break into the FBI!
- Hi. This is for you.
- Thanks.
Guilty as charged.
when she bumped into Big
getting out of that cab
Charlotte couldn't stop
having sex.
Carrie should've ended up
with Mikhail Baryshnikov.
Whoa, wait. Hold on.
Stop. Both of you.
And...
there you go.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
We did it!
You know,
they're all right angles,
With hours upon hours
of delicateness...
But first,
I need to sign some charts,
- Then answer it.
- Answer it?
I mean... this is the wrong
number. Don't call here again!
at his job, like that
hot blond surfer was at TMZ?
First of all,
I take my job very seriously.
Look at this.
He says "punk" just like you.
No. It's his pulse. Nope,
it's both our pulses.
against Figgis,
and you know what that means:
so I can interrogate him
when he wakes up.
'Cause he's about to adopt
a baby with his chiropractor.
Aired 8 years ago - Apr 05, 2016
In an attempt to get information on a criminal operation, Amy has to go undercover at a women’s prison and befriend one of the prisoners. Meanwhile back at the precinct, Holt and the team plan a fake funeral in an attempt to catch a hitman.
No, the music is a classic
counter-espionage maneuver.
imagine Pimento's dirty, pale body
I could smother somebody in
their sleep with this thing.
No, I said no to that idea.
Now all I have to do
is sign as the coroner.
to become a notary?
Adrian Pimento is officially deceased.
What are your weekends like, Diaz?
Uh...
Oh, Jake and Amy and baby makes three.
"Did someone order a tracheotomy?"
Keep telling me what to do
and I'll stab your face off.
- They do.
- Mm.
to have a fiancé disappear
We're gonna throw a fake funeral
_
- She's gonna do just fine.
- Oh, yeah.
I speak the language of the streets.
Okay, I can do that.
is that he's a white male
of average height and build,
Are you sure you want to
be on the receiving line?
Am I interrupting?
All right, this is her first
time eating in the dining hall.
Bold choice, bold choice. Hmm.
Well, I didn't see your name
I'm not supposed to
check in until tomorrow.
"High School Musical 3: Senior Year."
I think maybe we need a signal
in case things go south.
Yo, it's too bad, right?
The handshakes weren't working.
I don't know how much
more of this I can take.
I know, but it wasn't a good time.
Socks are just a noose
waiting to be braided.
Uh, I don't know. I was
focused on her waddle.
I mean, she has a full back tattoo
You have to just trust me on this.
This is so sweet. Now kiss her belly.
Captain has eyes on a guy
he thinks might be Scar-Joe.
She is keeping a low profile,
just like we discussed.
What the hell do you
think you're doing, huh?
What the hell?
You're right. I'm 100% in the wrong.
Being a cop and dating a cop...
Hopefully, I haven't
already blown your cover
Aired 8 years ago - Mar 29, 2016
Rosa enlists Jake to help change Terry’s disapproving opinion about her fast-moving relationship with Adrian Pimento. But their love for each other is put on hold when Pimento thinks someone from his past is trying to kill him.
Count me in as long
as I get eight plus-ones.
The one dumb wedding thing
I've always wanted
Pimento's bachelor party
is tomorrow night.
He's not exactly stable.
I'm not paying for it.
We're splitting it.
- Right, just their boobs.
- No, no boobs.
See, we all have different ideas
and no one is compromising.
No one can hear you.
We cannot hear you.
A TV on a bus?
I never thought I'd see that.
Hello?
Great, Sarge, can I just talk
to you outside for one moment?
Can I borrow you for one sec?
Sorry.
Adrian, you were saying?
We need to go there now,
so we can get the drop on him.
Party number one will be
brought to you by Gina Linetti.
in the behind is the best,
You're all gonna die tonight!
- Ow!
- I'm engaged!
♪ ♪
but the good news is,
First of all, I've made many
friends through arts and crafts.
Chicken noodle.
My first word was "Da-da."
Drink!
Good luck following
this party, ya bish.
but you know what else got off
to a weird, rocky start?
That's sweet.
Right?
And I'm sorry that earlier
I went a little off the rails,
Sarge, look.
No?
Okay, that's totally cool.
He's not a real waiter, man!
Oh.
Mm-mm.
Specifically, Le Petit Colon.
We are demolishing it.
♪ ♪
Guys, love is beautiful.
Damn, it feels good
to be creative again.
Fine, but for the record,
I think I should've peed myself.
Ah, how did I not
see this coming?
Well, the groomsmen
are having a great time.
Yeah, he had the best party.
All: Rosa and Pimento!
Oh, same ski mask.
That's awkward.
Jimmy Figgis thanks you.
If he works for Figgis,
he's new.
Oh, Adrian.
Your bachelor party sucks butt.
How?
I took the knife away from you.
This is my only chance
to get away safe.
Aired 8 years ago - Mar 15, 2016
In an attempt to prove to his old precinct that he’s not a joke, Terry enlists Jake’s help in solving a case from his past. Meanwhile, Adrian moves in with Charles, with mixed results, and Amy invites herself to a hyper-competitive training exercise with Holt and Rosa
So why the kitten?
to remind me of that day
and rub it in my face.
a "frontie" and a "backie."
Fine.
Busted.
Can't you just stay with her?
which I would get.
the 9-9 will be hosting
I'd rather you didn't attend
is a glowing compliment
in the sewing community.
to this prank,
and I should know.
He was a cruel man
who didn't like his life,
Oh, okay, well,
that probably won't work, then.
- They're called pecs.
- Same thing.
Morning, Sarge.
Thanks for reminding me.
Then we march back
into that precinct...
Staying at Chuck's
is like a dream.
It's horrible.
is a caterpillar
that's been stepped on...
for the next, like, 48 hours?
Well...
Oh, okay.
of this case, starting with
the first one,
of 10 different types
of explosive devices.
Hurry up and teach us.
Real quick, before you finish:
For shame.
This is stupid.
and I'm scared that the Knicks
might never be good again,
a 20-year-old case
with no new leads.
was named Zerb Gudanya.
He has to be our guy.
Let's go.
in the 6-5 without us
finding out, did you?
That'll show you.
that's when they're at
their most vulnerable.
As you wish.
Good day, sir.
Done.
Absurd.
I'm more competitive.
Why do you keep
bringing up pine cones?
Now he's getting up.
What are you doing, man?
Move in closer so I can
get you in the photo.
to deal with
your negativity right now.
but I got cheered up
two years before that, so '94.
All right.
Cat squad, assemble!
How did they defuse bombs
better than we did?
Aired 8 years ago - Mar 01, 2016
Holt allows Amy and Jake to house-sit for him while he visits Kevin in Paris, but mayhem ensues when Holt’s beloved dog, Cheddar, goes missing under their watch. Meanwhile, a romantic fling between Adrian Pimento and Rosa disrupts Terry and the rest of the precinct.
I thought you'd be psyched.
Plus, therthis big, fat binder
- I need you to sign this report.
- Okay.
Mm.
Also, the GPS announced it
when we pulled up.
Why won't you respect
the binder?
Nice job, Boyle.
It worked.
Well, I'm off to find
some yellow paper
I don't know what to tell you.
Call from Raymond Holt, mobile.
Let's just say if the house
could talk, she would say,
Charles was on fire,
and only on his pants,
No!
He can't come home.
Our man has been on the run
for 30 minutes.
that slippery bastard
gets farther away.
I'll do it, but I'm gonna
have to total your car.
Terry, maybe go with them,
make sure nobody gets killed.
For Captain Holt,
for Kevin, for America!
No, Gina, the spikes!
Mm.
and do this thing?
That was weird.
You okay?
Great, which direction
should I go?
Take me out of the box
and put me on your belt.
Okay, cool, I just have
to tie my shoe real quick.
Great; I'm gonna rip a bunch
of wires out of your dashboard.
Right after we find Charles.
No, he's not.
He's a Charles, all right?
but I don't know
where I am, and my...
Nothing. Cool stuff.
Having sex.
- Yeah, I think she noticed.
- Damn it.
She was a sweet girl, but I couldn't
save her from the pole.
And me, hmm.
- He referred to you by name.
- Hey, there's Charles.
But we're
good friends now, right?
Okay, but before we go,
I've got a lot
going on in my life,
I did rip out all these wires.
Because the walls are
closing in and I can't breathe.
We fake your death
in an apartment fire.
Everyone, prepare
to enter high society.
"Peralta, what are you doing?"
Wait, why is
the whole squad here?
Now, get out of my clothes.
No, Jake.
It's not your fault.
yet another reason
why it's not your fault...
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 23, 2016
When an unstable detective returns to the Nine-Nine after years undercover, Jake doesn’t know what to make of him. Meanwhile, Charles’ rebellious behavior pits him against the precinct’s custodian, and Holt enlists Gina’s help in directing a “fun and informational” video starring himself and Rosa.
- Stay out of his way,
maybe buy him a drink,
from Turkmenistan.
Terry's gonna die
saving the President,
- So we're supposed to come
running to clean up your mess
- So where do we go from here?
Oops! Oh...[laughs]
Love you, Marge.
- Well, you know, I've been
re-Vined by Rob Kardashian,
You're not our most dynamic
screen presences.
- Okay, well, now that
that's out of the way,
Tell me something you've never
told another living soul.
- My goodness.
- Hey.
Kitchen, now.
I had a major crush
on the evil Gremlin.
Course, next time you could just
give me a call, you know.
- Hey! Pimento!
- Huh?!
It's the only job I've ever had
except for bagging groceries
And I can bring you home,
but you've got to trust me.
Whuuuhhhh.
- Can't argue with that logic.
Mm-kay.
if he groveled enough?
Come on!
It's very "New York in the 70s."
Clean it up.
I've taken a sacred oath
to protect this community,
Everybody knows you break in
when the owner's there.
or my name isn't Paul Sneed.
- Adrian Pimento.
'cause I'm a cop, remember?
they made me see a shrink.
- Cue smoke machine.
the wheelchair
will turn into a horse,
video tour of the precinct,
There's something
weird going on with
that guy.
Rosa, what if he's one of them?
What if he turned?
Now you see me, now you--
[car engine revs]
- Boom.
- Not so fast.
I only eat
locally-sourced meats.
you wrote where you used
T-H-E-I-R instead of T-H-E-R-E?
- "Mop-Bucket," Scully?
- And you need me
to break into the car for you?
All right, let's go again.
Action Holt!
Welcome to Hollywood.
- I'm sorry,
but we're detectives,
Suck it, roadside assistance.
to wear a fake beard
and do tai chi in my window?
- I broke into your apartment
'cause I didn't feel safe
- Pimento's mementos.
I can't believe
I trusted you.
Any idea why?
- Fine, single bag it.
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 16, 2016
When Jake insults Hitchcock and Scully's work ethic in the precinct, they force their way into one of his cases in attempt to prove themselves. Meanwhile, Amy and Gina help Rosa conquer one of her biggest fears, and Holt and Boyle work a celebrity case.
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 09, 2016
The Nine-Nine host the detectives from the Nine-Eight, their neighboring precinct, reuniting Jake with his old partner. Charles is immediately jealous and tries to reclaim his best friend status with Jake. Meanwhile, the rest of the precinct tries to be welcoming to the Nine-Eight, but it doesn’t go as well as they had planned.
Everyone called us
"Chucky and the Coot."
lot of crime, lot of danger,
No crap.
You hate people in your space.
Exclusively the lumbar.
Terry knows
his keyboard shortcuts!
but my new desk mate, Brian,
brought a dog with him
That is nothing.
so why don't you both just move
and work from my desk?
Yeah, we've seen that guy.
Whoa, hang on that, Boyle.
Let's not be hasty.
Oh, right!
We have to turn back, though.
and thrown on a cargo ship
head it to Asia,
All right.
Well, then neither am I.
You can't stand being in
your office with him, can you?
'Cause he over... there.
Oh, Raymond.
Who is this joker?
but Jake and I already talked
how we'd play this.
But I know this guy,
all right?
I know, but he knows
this case, and I trust his gut.
My daughter got me a juicer
for Christmas.
That dog does not help you
with your foot pain.
and they took my mouse
[microwave beeping]
[growls]
Can't let Ozerov
ditch the drugs.
But I'm the only one
who got slapped in the face.
We wasted those
cool lines on nothing.
the Thoroughly
Messed-Up Millies.
The only good thing is,
now this whole trio
- He deserves the credit.
- True, true, true.
We give that dog
a bunch of chocolates.
But mirror top coffee table,
Here, is for you.
A new world.
- We want in.
- No.
You told me to make it work,
Attenzione, dingbats.
- That's the ticket.
- Whoo!
Come here.
Oh, my God... What do you
want me to say, Boyle?
Ooh, or you know who just
looked me up online?
It's swurt, not smurt.
Okay.
Probably busy hiking up his
pants above this belly button.
and when we go on stakeouts,
we do listen to Toni Braxton
It's on.
D.A. Brayburn.
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 02, 2016
On his birthday, Jake brings Amy to meet his mother, but a surprise appearance by his dad throws a wrench in his special day. Meanwhile, Rosa and Charles struggle with a new mandate regarding body cams while on a stakeout with Terry, and Gina forgets to inform the precinct about an important plan of Holt’s.
We have four minutes.
We can do this.
Oh, no.
Case solved.
Scully, scully,
With this fully signed
confession.
The greatest day
in human history.
Keep me updated.
Another helpful hint--
Fun fact,
she made me cry a lot.
You're not very bright,
are you, bill?
- Sure.
- dismissed.
and then boyle
spent 30 minutes
Until your daughters
are grown and married.
The red areas are places
where no work gets done.
hey, hand me some peanuts.
I'm snacky.
Yeah, 70 bucks a pair.
I'd be working with him
in data analysis.
I never said I couldn't
use a ladder.
Good.
What's this red area here,
Mt. Diaz.
Humorous, yes.
To make sure I've got
the details right in this file.
I'm so sick
of these sucky computers.
Nypd, sir.
♪ me teeme asju
mis on ponev ♪
Take his jacket off
and throw it in the dumpster,
This is real police work,
and you love it.
No, of course not.
Here's an old mug shot.
Have so.
Wax museums don't count.
Medically diagnosed
thin skin.
Dr. Huxtable, dr. Huxtable.
He must have gotten it
What can I do to help?
Our first item up for bid
is lot number 344.
And on the back,
just a whole bunch of wheat.
Sir, are you familiar
with the story of icarus?
it's so beautiful.
I have 90 from the man
with the face at table four.
But he's got a wife
who never wears a bra.
Seriously,
back to the porno plate--
Congratulations, you're getting
a sock in your mouth,
Joe, I video'd it!
You love processing--
it's your favorite thing,
'cause they're pretty cool.
Why didn't you try
and talk her out of it?
I support her decision.
Aired 8 years ago - Jan 26, 2016
Jake and Amy are excited to go on their first real vacation together, but Amy’s perfectly planned cruise ship itinerary is thwarted when they discover an old adversary is on board with them. Meanwhile, Gina and Terry help Captain Holt survive a visit from his sister, Debbie, and Charles and Rosa vie for the same apartment.
Did you watch "Grimm"
again last night?
- Jason!
- Whatever, little buddy.
This man is in every photograph.
It's not like we were close.
There's an emergency at the gym.
Damn right it is.
There's been an outbreak
of the mumps.
Are we gonna die?
you will more than likely
develop fever,
Due the highly contagious
nature of the virus,
Plus, I'm getting used
to being on my own.
Yes, we heard you,
Dr. Bad News Doctor.
Now all's you got to do
is beat those wings
step up community service,
I'd like to introduce you
to someone.
of the restaurant,
and I've identified
The restaurant must have been
under surveillance.
I feel dizzy.
- Are you serious?
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, we've got a lot to do.
Yeah, yeah.
Sorry, can't... can't talk.
Unhand her, you beast!
And then what, genius?
We each eat a 6-inch sub?
There are eyes everywhere, man.
You can't go outside
spewing mumps
You'll never catch us!
My legs stopped working.
More like a mump in the road.
but you can do whatever
you want to me.
He's just "Beautiful
Mind"-ing it.
before you both die
or I will kill you.
Just sealing Jason's collar
in an airtight bag
Seriously?
Move on?
Move on.
So the only thing
that I'm moving on from is you.
- You're eating potato chips.
- Chips don't count.
There's no time to waste.
that Garibaldi had resurfaced.
oh, you are in for it.
Wow, well, you didn't seem
to mind me helping you
Double poke!
ultra authentic recipe.
when they care about each other.
and you're gonna
grow the hell up.
Aired 8 years ago - Jan 19, 2016
When Captain Holt and Jake accidentally contract the mumps during an investigation, they decide to be quarantined together in hopes of still solving the case. Meanwhile, Rosa tries to help Boyle through a mourning process, and Terry is forced to clean up Hitchcock and Scully’s mess.
Jason died this morning.
Wait, was this your dog
that humped everything?
Captain, thank you
for meeting me.
I actually brought him in
eight years ago,
Was he doing reps of linguine?
Noice.
That seems suspicious.
We should follow him.
Infectious disease.
You may not want to
be here, detective.
So you may want to avoid
sour candies.
Sir, i'd be happy
to keep you company.
Work the case.
Hello, you wanted to see
if you can make
Captain holt will be
on medical leave,
Hello, simon.
And now my entire body
is somehow on fire.
But i kind of want to
poke my mump.
So i decided to get my butt
back to work.
But this unedited footage
of an italian restaurant
No, it's spaghetti.
Fix bell.
All right.
Guys, guys, look,
just walk to the sub shop--
We talk to him,
we find garibaldi.
We're on our way right now
to talk to a lead
Stop, you can't leave at all.
You're delirious,
and you're sick,
Nonsense, santiago.
Cover up the ol' swell sack.
Holt hasn't been lonely
all week.
Jake.
Hmm?
It's a dog.
We have a case we need
to work on.
A motorcycle helmet for a heart,
but i need to feel this sadness.
Oh, we're not working on them.
I am the only one keeping
this precinct together!
These should help
cool us down.
And see how we feel.
To do on weekends
because you seemed so lonely.
So i'm gonna take a nap,
but when i wake up,
So do me a favor and don't
ever help me again.
You!
Ultra authentic recipe.
When they care about each other.
And you're gonna
grow the hell up.
Wow, have you learned nothing?
Aired 8 years ago - Jan 05, 2016
Charles and Genevieve want to take their relationship to a new level, but his ex-wife, Eleanor, steamrolls their plans. Meanwhile, Amy asks Terry to write a recommendation letter with disastrous results, and Holt and Rosa enlist Gina’s help to solve a case.
we're gonna fill out
form 38E-J1,
No, no, it's a window.
- Where the hell
did you come from?
- Okay, I'm applying
for a mentorship program
and you're gonna take me down.
for lying about free strudel.
Your ex-wife is here.
Heard you want your sperm.
[whispers]
I have all of your sperm.
I want something else.
and I'm gonna dump it
into the East River.
and get
a professional opinion.
Why are you smiling?
She can do what she wants.
No priors.
Clean bill of health.
- Again, lay off Hercules.
He's quite a decent man.
She's the only stylist
in New York that can do this.
- Oh, as if you don't know
it's perfect.
- I was just wondering
if you finished
- I don't know,
- No, no, don't.
Did you threaten that
90-year-old man for me yet?
- No, no, no, don't do that,
please!
- Why would you bring up
babies right now?
Gina take his statement.
- Okay.
- Yeah, you get it.
because we went
to high school together.
- Charles.
I'll be right back.
I'm gonna have to read
the label up close.
- You two are messing with
the wrong woman.
[garbage disposal churning]
He's a priest,
a 90-year-old priest.
- That was you.
No, no, no, no, no!
Not the keys, no!
[tires screeching]
Charles!
- You know what?
I've also been ejected.
You're mad that
I broke your face
- "Amy Santiago is one
of the finest detectives
- [sneezing]
- A dollar for a soda;
mine are all wet.
I have all the ammo
that I need.
I want names.
- In 4,000 feet,
stay straight.
- Oh, yes, uh,
she came up onto the sidewalk
but I sure am getting sleepy.
You pop-blocked me.
Aired 8 years ago - Dec 13, 2015
Jake, Charles and Gina are involved in a real-life “Die Hard” situation while off-duty on Christmas Eve, and Terry must leave his family celebration to try to save his squad. Meanwhile, Amy tries to prove she’s just as tough as Holt and Rosa.
You are the most sexist, immature, nut brained...
I even wash all the clothes!
Katara! Get back here! We don't know what that thing is!
Finally. Uncle, do you realize what this means?
Or it's just the celestial lights. We've been down this road before, Prince Zuko.
Helmsman, head a course for the light!
Please... come closer.
I'm not sure.
Right. And this is Katara, my flying sister.
Don't answer that!
You just sneezed... and flew ten feet in the air.
Well, if you guys are stuck Appa and I can give you a lift.
You know... before you freeze to death?
Oh... I was smiling?
I'm going to bed now.
Your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather all tried and failed.
...your being an airbender and all... if you had any idea what happened to the Avatar.
Uh... why are they all looking at me like that?
What is this, a weapon? You can't stab anything with this.
You know, last time I checked, humans can't fly.
I told you! He's the real thing, Gran Gran! I finally found a bender to teach me.
The breath becomes energy in the body.
No, you are impatient. You have yet to master your basics.
I'll need more than basic firebending to defeat him.
Now men, it's important that you show no fear when you face a firebender.
And that means no potty breaks.
Wow! Everything freezes in there!
What's wrong with you? We don't have time for fun and games with a war going on.
No. You're looking at the only waterbender on the whole South Pole.
Aired 8 years ago - Dec 06, 2015
In an attempt to solve an international case, Jake and Rosa are forced to work with a pair of Swedish cops and things get very competitive, very quickly. Meanwhile, Amy and Terry offer to help Gina prepare for a big test and Holt enlists Charles to sub in as his squash partner for an annual tournament.
Why are you throwing those out?
I had 11 straight birthdays
at the planetarium.
You are so welcome.
I was joking, sorry.
I don't know this word.
"Samesies"?
He's allergic to lactose,
gluten, and tomato ketchup.
Not even our bodies.
Well, we were going
to take you to our favorite
- Uh...
- The rodent chef.
Three-time intramural
champion at Sarah Lawrence.
- This is terrible.
- Why?
Look, the point is to have fun.
- to sauna together.
- Please.
stolen Swedish diamonds
into Brooklyn.
Should I get Amy something
caszh like shot glasses,
Oh, hello!
It cuts down on drag.
Bag 'em, Diaz.
Uh-huh.
And what's "Star Wars"?
It goes, "Every
Individual Gets Crayons
She told me you called me
a gas giant.
I doubt you'll find
anything in it.
No, the Swedish millionaire
with ties to organized crime.
See you later, jerks.
and don't eat squash balls,
then we're all winners.
You're a real fun guy, fun guy.
How are you doing that?
You just made Earth lame,
and that is my house.
According to
the shipping company,
We're not lame like the Swedes.
For example...
Swedes.
so that my husband would
have a shoulder to cry on.
hundreds of dogfish to see
if they had diamonds inside.
I rescheduled your cycling
practice for 16 November,
All tall and beautiful,
and you don't
Stupid rest of the world,
writing their date all dumb.
Yes, but the important thing
is we had a good time.
about a young man they called
"squash's unhinged lunatic."
♪ ♪
Way to go!
That's it, baby!
♪ ♪
Ya'll, astronomy is
kind of interesting.
How did you not pick up on that?
every single little detail
of my life?
Oh, uh-oh.
Aired 8 years ago - Nov 22, 2015
Terry leaves Jake in charge of entertaining his pregnant wife, Sharon, while he and Rosa head to Rikers to learn more about the Douglass Street murders. But when Sharon's water breaks sooner than expected, crisis ensues at the precinct. Meanwhile,
due to an internet outage, Amy and Charles must process all the paperwork by hand to avoid the bullpen from overflowing with perps and Holt is forced to confront his ex-boyfriend.
MORE
-LESS
The miracle of life?
Keeping Captain Holt
away from her.
I'm so attracted
to you right now.
calling me that.
- Also, right here.
- Human blockade style.
Okay, Terry.
Jake, all you have to do
is keep her comfortable.
and the anesthesiologist
was a med student
Which is a thing
that I definitely know what it is.
So I'm gonna go
get your birth plan
Listen, you've got
your plate full today,
have a lot of experience
with childbirth.
Terry doesn't want you in there.
Focus on work?
It's a magical moment!
- Doula.
- So close.
with the soothing section
of your birth plan,
Oh, great.
Hey, Gina, can you grab those?
here at Gina's desk.
My son was arrested
six hours ago,
I don't know what to tell you.
Hey, if you need
more fax machines,
The train in front of us has
a pregnant woman on board,
All right, so I was unable
to get the CDs,
Sharon, you stay here
But I pointed to the fire
extinguisher and was like,
Just forget it.
I'll do it!
And apparently,
to clear the room.
very calm in here, all right?
Yeah, no hospital, baby.
Things did not end well
between Frederick and me.
Sir, we're going to get
Frederick right now.
Aw, hell yeah!
No email, now no fax.
Right.
Full disclosure,
it's Scully's hemorrhoid donut
You're in a Channing Tatum
movie.
Still on about
the duck, Frederick?
Dave and I were coworkers
and nothing more.
Would you mind
just standing there
That is an insane price
for a duck!
The truth.
Hey, what took so long?
Is she okay?
of someone screaming
through all the vents.
No hospital!
I mean, I know we said
no hospital, but...
Aired 8 years ago - Nov 15, 2015
Jake and Amy convince the Captain to let them work a case together involving a new street drug, but their new relationship gets in the way. Meanwhile, at the precinct, Charles panics when he realizes he’s damaged one of Holt’s prized possessions and Terry teaches Rosa a lesson in discipline.
And they'd go,
"I don't know, crank?"
Yes, that's exactly how I was gonna
finish my sentence.
Just don't let
any personal issues
I shouldn't get involved.
How am I supposed to...
come on!
- Charles.
- Hey, Captain.
Now I have to go
find a strangler.
and me and Devon
will be in an unmarked car here.
I guess we're equally
bad at grammar.
'cause that's where you do it.
Absolutely.
Ooh, did you fold all
your stuff up really small
♪
♪
oh, man.
- Yeah.
- Then mattress trampoline.
You are dealing
with Detective Diaz now,
Can't you just let him off
with a warning?
Gina.
Burn my face off with acid
and disappear forever.
Oh, what did
he do to you, Gertie?
So it's kind of your fault too.
And they're all about to
be tested... bouncy-styles.
And it loves having you in it.
Well, you spent twice that
that's filled with springs
and goose hair.
that I bought this century,
and you're not invited.
I was tossing and turning.
We're definitely
falling in love.
Trust me; I smoked
four cigarettes in college.
I want you two to go undercover
Before you decide
what to do with Sam,
Have you continued to dance?
Five, six, seven, eight.
have tried to stand up
to Captain Holt.
Nah...
This is your fault.
Yes, I'm telling you
I understand the lesson.
It's really comfortable.
And second, your butt
is the butt
Uh, okay, now you're
just being crazy.
I haven't told her because
I haven't had the chance.
I guess I'm just not "worth it."
Yeah, because it's better.
Thank you, Santiago.
Look; I know we screwed up
the case, and I'm sorry.
You rode to work
on his shoulders.
Aired 8 years ago - Nov 08, 2015
Jake and Charles convince Terry to take a weekend camping trip as a much needed "babymoon," but they soon realize it might not be the idealistic weekend for which they had hoped. Meanwhile back at the precinct, Holt gives Rosa some important relationship advice and Amy enlists Gina's help to prepare her for an important presentation.
- Kindness.
- Pity.
Don't worry.
happier than I was
on my wedding night.
I spoke with Captain Holt.
about his prostate cancer.
You remember fun, right?
A little fun would
do you good, I promise.
is like sitting inside
of a dog's behonkus.
so I could read
under the covers.
for police work,
so I made an appointment
Okay.
That is the absence of urine.
but that sounds great.
Welcome to Stink Puddle Manor.
So there's no power, no heat.
on an emotional scar.
go on work trips.
in a big scene
and Marcus crying.
But I did some research
on amicable breakups.
Well, apparently,
it's less painful
Your sadness is noted.
Now it's coming down.
Oh, boy!
Not too hard,
late release, and...
I love it.
Amazing.
Okay.
Here's what I'm thinking.
and I'm about
to blow your minds.
Speaking of which,
I'm getting hungry.
Look, I thought we would be
incredible at fishing.
Um, let's just say
Relax.
And it wasn't sports camp.
It was asthma camp.
or anything that could keep us
from getting lost?
Yeah, that was a little
more Kermit, but...
I climbed back in,
and we talked about emotions
This is exactly
what I didn't want.
Charles Boyle, safe and sound?
All right, buddy, don't worry.
We got you, okay?
Okay, now pull us up, Terry.
Wow, that sounds like
a lot, Vanessa.
See, the problem is the product.
You are scum.
are not looking great right now,
Smashed through a window?
Terry'll do the paperwork.
No, Charles,
you're my best friend.
There, okay.
How'd you get out of the pit?
Oh, let me guess.
Dumb mistake.
I want to apologize
for yesterday.
Aired 8 years ago - Oct 25, 2015
The third installment of Captain Holt and Jake’s Halloween heist culminates with a tie-breaking competition to claim the title of “amazing detective slash genius.” This year, Jake and Holt split the squad into two teams to help them win.
You're Peralta's paramour;
maybe you should be on his team.
- You're not on my team, Amy.
- Yeah, Amy's out.
Yup, I'm not supposed to let
it or you out of my sight,
Come on, our parents
are married.
I have spectacular taste in men.
You really hurt my feelings
by leaving me off your team.
Okay fine... if you're
telling the truth,
At midnight tonight,
we will steal
I'm going to meet him in
an illegal dance competition
Ew, Charles, kill them with
whatever cologne you're wearing!
Yeah, we totally blew it.
Never, ever, never, ever,
ever, never, ever, ever,
and replaced everything
in under a minute.
He is such a fool.
thus exposing a much easier
target for you later.
Amy, you're the only hope
I have of finding it.
To Jake!
Charles, that is so nasty you
put cockroaches in your pants.
Well, my real name's Leo;
Nadia's just my tag.
Charles, I don't buy it.
Okay.
You better not have messed
with my bike for this heist.
♪
♪
but he should be back soon.
is if we took a picture
right here,
where I had both hands
on the cabinet...
Damn it, nothing
but a surprisingly toned set of abs.
wait a minute... so as to not
arouse suspicion
The handlebar thing was fake.
The crown wasn't in
the trash can.
- Midnight nears.
- Yes, it does.
He doesn't have the crown!
when Jake came through
the ceiling.
Ugh. I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Nope, janitor came in
and took it.
to send out holiday cards
to every single employee?
and you've accepted, can you
give me janitor Al's address?
I never said his name.
Amy, we are in love.
Here, you can both have it.
Rendezvous at Drop Zone Yankee.
Forget it.
Run as fast as you can!
Sorry.
Al? Al?
Oh, no.
Aired 8 years ago - Oct 18, 2015
When investigating a serial killer, Jake enlists Holt’s help in an attempt to solve the case off the radar. At the precinct, Rosa and Amy are forced to deal with demands from an old adversary and Terry discovers a new obsession.
and most importantly,
the vulture's orders were
Yeah, it was.
You didn't say "no take backs."
Did you choose us
because we're women?
It'll be so...
I can't even fake it.
Ugh, all this paperwork
is gonna straight-up kill me.
You look like eight circles
with suspenders on.
Terry loves responsible
agricultural practices.
for chits and/or chats.
Don't want to cause a problem.
Well, Gina said we couldn't
be seen together,
He's back to his
cool-ass psycho ways.
I hang out in the men's room
all the time.
Yeah, how cool...
I mean awful... is that?
- Jake, that's really good.
- Right?
You look into the B and Es
I don't know what port is.
Whoo, new case, new nib.
I don't mean to overstep here,
but you're looking a little...
You are trying to shame me,
and that will not fly.
Turns out he got it
at Chang's Medicinal Tea Shop.
Let's do this.
Let's see what you got
for the big b-day bash.
So no passed hors d'oeuvres?
My brother's hot wife
is gonna be there,
Not many people buy that tea,
Let's get that psycho.
and screw up.
Same goes for you, Peralta.
Shouldn't have gone back in.
Honestly, terrible.
It's really classing up
the booze
Damn, who raised you?
I'm sorry,
I have an idea.
but here, take that.
Because they were all sober.
I'm trying to blow
my friend's mind over here.
She has super sonar hearing,
Wow.
I heard what you said,
and it really sank in.
Sure, sometimes we fall down,
Oh, sergeant.
The stress isn't going anywhere.
Huh.
♪ ♪
But you and I are gonna
have a little tea party.
That's troubling.
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 11, 2015
Jake thinks Boyle might have met his soulmate in Genevieve, an art gallery owner, and he tries to help set them up. Meanwhile, Rosa deals with inter-precinct theft and Holt seeks Amy’s help with an image campaign.
Santiago, thank you
for coming in.
and I want to put up posters
that showcase some of our best.
I ooze swagger.
Well, you can count me out.
unless you can
prove intent to fart.
Did you see them
take your ice cream?
Tahitian coconut, extra lather.
How do I look?
You look great.
with lox on it.
was worth twice what she got
from the insurance company.
Oh, good, because I blew
that tow truck case.
that's the kind of woman
you don't get over.
Nice!
Sir, "fun but not too fun"
was my campaign slogan
is inconsequential.
and I'm gonna do some
serious subtweeting,
Why was this in your trash?
What am I doing?
Yeah, something definitely
doesn't add up.
a couple of questions now,
Who asks that?
Oh, that was
my theory, remember?
whatever you're putting down,
she is picking up.
most disgusting people
in the universe?
get back together with him
now that he's rich.
? solve this case
right in your face ?
I'm Donald hoberman-seitz.
He's fascinated by the idea
of the human chrysalis
- Yeah.
- Art is so intense.
I'm just holding up the mirror.
It's more about
the other things.
I bet it really hurt
when she dumped you.
including certain people's
whereabouts on particular dates.
Moose tracks ice cream.
You're lying.
All he does is
have sex on canvases.
He keeps boxes of
her old stuff lying around.
The whole thing's on video.
a regular ira glass.
this one says, "die pig,"
and worst of all,
I think Gina was right
about the campaign, sir.
Did you have enough time
to read it all?
Should we really do this?
This is kismet.
Okay, let me just grab that.
All right, fine.
And I'm buying by the wheel.
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 04, 2015
The Nine-Nine gets another personnel change that could put Jake and Amy’s budding relationship at risk. Meanwhile, Terry assists Holt with an important public relations matter, and Rosa and Gina try to convince Charles to rethink his affection for a fellow officer.
Beat it.
Look, we can deal with this.
"Vulture, I must insist
Rosa, Charles, oh,
I missed you guys so much.
You got to have something
weird and tragic going on.
Ugh. What do you even know
about this person?
and he's going to put the "bone"
Yeah, it was dark.
Well, I won't take up
too much of your time.
I found, when I was
commanding officer, that...
Yes, well, I know my way out.
zingers just flying around.
You got to help us.
of the funeral crankies.
Now, anyone seen Captain Holt?
So what are we gonna do
about the Vulture?
from the Vulture's book.
Ooh, Charles,
your jump-off is here.
Meet me there in 15 minutes.
and seeing it's been replaced
by a denim pants store.
Oh, it's a Sauternes glass.
But first, you're gonna have
one drink with me, Sergeant.
or else you're gonna bust me
down to beat cop?
Excuse me, could you stop
playing that?
Second of all, you think
you could do better?
of this catfight.
Yes! You're amazing!
Oh, great.
Thanks.
Our special today
is Coho salmon on a...
Oh, Mrs. Dozerman,
your husband was a great man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Can we slow down?
and then I tell you how little
I care about them?
She's a vegan!
Laugh it up!
a stupidface.
Yes, you already mentioned
the yogurt.
Hmm.
"Everything is garbage."
You said you planned the trips.
You need to go.
Good luck pulling off
that chunky-B
with a lot of confidence.
We don't know what it is.
Never love anything.
we weren't together
for very long.
Aired 9 years ago - Sep 27, 2015
After Holt is transferred to the NYPD Department of Public Relations, the new captain's arrival causes the precinct to dissolve into chaos, despite Terry's best efforts to keep everyone on point. Meanwhile, Jake and Amy face the aftermath of their "for reals" kiss.
Hello, Raymond.
I'll turn this place around
just like I did the Nine-Nine.
Wonderful.
I love my life.
which lowers my life
expectancy from 103 to 64.
namely that I've been wasting
too much of my time
Each one is equipped
with a GPS system
Your 55 minutes
starts right...
Fine, but I am gonna play
the hell out of some backgammon.
Uh, because you guys
just kissed on that mission.
Nobody wants you turning
into another Terry.
It's never gonna happen,
Boyle, okay?
A lot of my jokes
rely on that.
You also got a haircut
Yeah, me too.
So we broke a rule.
We are not leaving these seats
until you give me some deets.
Ugh, Jake, no one wants
to hear about your sex life.
Your head would explode.
You tell me.
but all they wanted to do
was talk about my dating life,
that we were one
and the same...
Hey, everyone stop talking
about Peralta's personal life.
I know you've been working
And not a minute later.
Very well.
My thoughts are...
They're carriers of disease,
and had sex
on the first date.
- Let's go.
- Okay.
I had it on my desk, but
I kept spilling coffee on it.
long, long, long,
long, long...
work ethic.
that may have caused Dozerman
to be startled?
Right,
the surveillance tapes.
Amy was the gym floozy.
Ideally?
Bullfighter.
Madeline, the PR
department is a joke.
This man is a Timberlake,
Do we need to get
the costume altered,
I hated him more
than any cop I've ever known.
That's my job.
Jake, is this a bad idea?
Maybe that's what it
needs to be right now.
No, no, no, no, no!
We were just being cautious.
and you bring a fancy bottle
of lavender shampoo,