The off-kilter, unscripted comic vision of Larry David, who plays himself in a parallel universe in which he can't seem to do anything right, and, by his standards, neither can anyone else.
Aired 19 years ago - Dec 17, 2000
Larry runs into his old girlfriend, and she asks him to escort her to an incest-survivors meeting. Cheryl is asked to co-star in "The Vagina Monologues" when one of the actresses is sick.
''She's bringing The Vagina Monologues....''
but you don't have to learn any lines.
You can use the script on stage.
l can't wait to read this, l don't even know
what to say to you right now.
-lt's great to see you.
-Good to see you.
l'm glad l'm seeing you,
because l've been thinking about you.
Yeah, so how do you guys
know each other?
l didn't know how to get in touch.
l want to us to get together...
Why would you do that?
You were thinking of this woman Lucy
the whole time you were--
That's fair, that's completely legitimate.
-Don't drink it all at once.
-No, l won't.
-She was in the tornado.
-l did an asteroid.
You're just a big bowl of wrong.
and l told you about my stepfather,
and, what happened?
Are you sure that you qualify with your
stepfather? ls that considered incest?
l want you to be comfortable,
l want you to be okay, so....
-So, what's going on?
Just representation stuff.
We have total anonymity here.
Good. On that note, if you'd like to share.
and the coconut and the cherries.
who was gonna stand guard...
l think that l'll save it for another meeting.
l've taken up a lot of time.
for an idiot like me
to ever break up with a woman.
''And, wow, l'm so hot...
''and she tells me to always know
how to give myself pleasure...
He was so funny, by the way.
You have nothing to be worried about.
lt's just kind of personal.
Don't worry. l would never betray you.
That's horrible, l had no idea.
You've re-cast already?
lt was a gift from Cheryl David.
but she's gonna be laid up for a while,
Aired 19 years ago - Dec 10, 2000
Larry gets himself in trouble, when he makes a racist-like comment to Richard's friend. Also, Larry inadvertently loses Cheryl's prescription note.
Fuck, l can't. We're doing something early.
l'm sorry. l beg your pardon, what?
Do you see my point?
l was just trying to be affable.
-l was with Richard Lewis...
l made a mistake.
lt was a stupid thing to say.
-Let's try something here.
-What are you doing?
My wife's itching, you know....
Why, because all those people
are still waiting?
lf you're not in a hurry
to get somewhere, why not?
-You know what?
'Cause we had a really nice meeting.
You said my resume looked great...
Why do you have a problem
giving somebody like me a job?
but, somehow, Elaine or Jerry
never had any black girlfriends.
l just hope you have a very nice dinner.
Thank you, Mr. Larry David.
Nice to see you. How you doing?
You guys just sitting down?
l think l gave the maitre d' the prescription.
-They were folded up, they felt alike!
-Didn't he look at it?
lf you call his machine,
it'll tell you you can't page him.
''unless they were burned in a fire...
You'll find it in a trash can,
right through those double doors.
-You want me to get in the can?
-lf that's what it takes, Larry, l guess, yeah.
l could call him and apologize.
He could phone in the prescription for us.
lt's this dermatitis and it's spreading
is the problem, Richard.
-is your friend from.... The dermatologist.
-The guy from today? Justin?
Honey, baby, l'm on the phone.
She's sick and you're not, how's that?
He really feels horrible about it,
but his wife has this.... What's it called?
-You'll do that?
-Of course, are you kidding?
-Did you hear that?
-Yeah, l did hear it.
-''Daddy, l'm not so stupid!''
That's okay, the best laid plans
always will change...
-Hi, how you doing?
-Mrs. David, a pleasure to meet you.
Larry, this is Professor Roget
from Caltech Physics.
until we came in, so, believe me....
My advice to you, go back, because....
We're very interested
in hearing what you have to say.
He's in very good shape, this man,
by the way. Very good shape.
''You let him work on you even with
the whole affirmative action thing?''
l think we should be sleeping on the street,
eating crumbs, and we should be that way...
l'm gonna call him. l'm gonna page him.
lt's the Longs Drugstore on the West Side.
Now, in terms of this,
it's just two quick shots.
Aired 19 years ago - Dec 03, 2000
When Cheryl's aunt dies, Larry is left in charge of the obituary. But when the newspaper accidentally places "beloved c*nt" instead of beloved aunt, things take an expected turn for the worse.
We never had this conversation, by the way.
-He's been very quiet for several days.
-That's so sweet.
l don't even like to drive.
And l don't like walking.
-That'd be really sweet.
-l'll write it myself.
4:00 is the deadline.
l let my wife know before l go anywhere.
Let's do this obituary thing, okay?
You have a pad?
-Did very well.
-Yeah, that's unusual.
She's been on the phone all morning
with her boyfriend...
l'm not contributing anything.
when he was on his deathbed.
He requested me to do five minutes.
-No, don't you bother, l've got the car.
-You don't even know where it is.
-These are pretty good.
Did he say anything to you?
Oh, God, all right,
l'm gonna be back in 20 minutes.
-For my friend's mother.
-Do they sell all that in the same store?
-No, l don't believe they do.
ls that in the same store as the scissor
and the scotch tape?
Excuse me for a second.
-What is the matter with you?
-He's a bad guy, l was doing you a favor!
You could probably go to a stationery store.
-They have the paper.
-...would they wrap it for me?
-Hi! Look who's here.
-Look at those.
lsn't that nice? How did the obit go?
Oh, God, Larry.
-l can't, l have nothing to wear.
-l've got lots of stuff for you to wear!
All right, look, set the alarm.
Do you know how to set the alarm?
lt's what she thinks, what can l say?
-Did you see what he did?
-l explained to her, it was an accident.
Even when l was dating,
l would wait four months...
l know what it's called.
l'll see you this evening, thank you.
The room's paid for through tomorrow.
The cards have been run for this evening.
-Are you going to shoo The Pope out?
Aired 19 years ago - Nov 26, 2000
Jeff gets a new car, and when Larry takes it for a spin, a commercial comes on the radio for AAMCO, with a noise sounding much like a car horn from behind. Upon hearing this, Larry curses the man behind him, prompting the man to rear-end Jeff's brand new car. Also, Larry and Cheryl hold a dinner party.
Do me a favor, will you?
to have people over your house
and serve them food and talk to them?
-We'll make a bet and see.
-You already decided you won't.
Until l moved to Los Angeles, l was never
in the same room as a caterer. Ever, once.
What is it? Did l do something?
l didn't know that congratulations
were in order when you get a new car.
''Double A, beep, beep, M-C-O.''
Everyone's heard that commercial.
lt's just been....
-They're moving to, what, Downey?
Larry, you gotta take
this little lady on a cruise.
-Annie's a little girl, or an adult?
-Annie Get Your Gun. lt's not Annie.
-Nice house you have.
-My friend got this '57 Chevy.
-My God, that's terrible.
-Now the car's making a terrible noise.
-l like you, Larry. l like your show, too.
-Dig in, you heard the man!
-Have yourself a good time, all right?
-May l start with my salad now?
So you're moving to Covina?
-Okay, l'll make a note of that.
-l want some Cohens, some Bernsteins...
-l know, and then he said grace.
And guess what?
l just don't like....
There's no taste to that lndian thing.
I wanna talk to you about it.
I'll be in my office, say, around 12..30.
Either just say, ''Call me back,''
or tell me why you're feeling weird.
And l look over, and l see Maggie....
But now they think
l don't want them staying in the guesthouse.
-What do you make of that?
-l don't know.
-This is stealing.
-l know it is.
Hi, Debbie, it's Cheryl David from last night.
Larry's gonna come over and pick it up.
-Where'd that come from?
-Sorry about that, there you go.
Thank you, Carmel.
Did you wanna check on the buns out back?
l bought them last night
and somebody took them!
l thought you wouldn't mind
me having some.
What a racket you've got going.
l'm one of the few guys in town
that can do this.
Sorry we didn't get a chance
to play that running charade.
-No, it's your house.
-l like sitting over there.
Aired 19 years ago - Nov 19, 2000
Hoping to bury an unsightly telephone wire dangling over their yard, Larry and Cheryl befriend a pair of bizarre neighbors who must approve the burial. The husband is an incompetent lawyer but a big Seinfeld fan, so to appease him Larry arranges to
have Julia Louis-Dreyfuss come for a visit. But when the actress arrives, the lawyer is missing; he's been hired to defend Jeff in a case involving a destructive kid Jeff sponsored for a Fresh Air Fund camp. At Larry's house, Julia ends up buying a bracelet from the lawyer's wife -- the same kind Larry wanted in episode 4 -- only to later accuse Larry of stealing it after he buys a similar one for Cheryl.
l'm finally in the house
that Jerry Seinfeld built.
Let the machine get it, it's okay.
-l'm a lawyer.
-He thinks she's the most talented actress.
lt's so hard to get anything
Yeah, we'll do that on the way out.
-What kind of person is that?
-He's a fan.
l've done so much work
trying to get this removed--
-l should call Jeff and tell him about this.
Susie, it's Larry. Did l wake you?
Susie was pretty pissed off.
She's really upset.
You've got me some expensive idiot lawyer,
so you can have your wire dropped down.
The guy's a total prick, he'll do a good job,
believe me. Pricks are good.
He got kicked out of the camp,
he wants to stay at my house.
-That l would love to do.
-l would love to do that.
-Are you by yourself?
-No, l'm with Julia.
l've got a better idea. Hey, brainstorm.
This is just so outrageous.
Do you know this woman?
Okay, just let me get.... Okay.
You know, l've got to tell you,
l don't have any fucking idea.
-He's still here.
-He's still there?
-What's going on?
-This is so unusual.
l've never turned a piece of jewelry
around this fast.
-l'm not asking her again, that's it.
-Larry, do you not even care about me?
That you write your ideas down on?
l don't know where that is.
-What time is the cut-off?
-10:00. 10 minutes before the cut-off.
Most people have a 10:00 or 10:30 cut-off.
-l made a phone call in that office.
-ln my office?
Bobby, what are you doing? lt's so late.
Go on upstairs--
-l gotta tell him about this.
-What's the cut-off on New York?
'Cause you're a fat, fucking asshole,
that's what you are.
Let me tell you something, Larry.
Jeff's computer golf game is gone!
You're going to get him?
Look at you, you're pathetic.
-l was crazy that night, okay?
-You have a 10:00 cut-off, okay.
-Did he take it?
lt's gone, you fucking, motherfucking....
-Are they knocking these things off?
-l gotta go. l've got a meeting.
-How are you doing?
Because l can't find my bracelet.
You know the bracelet that you like?
-That's Cheryl's bracelet, Julia.
-You keep the bracelet now.
Because now l'm busy,
and l can't talk to you anymore.
Aired 19 years ago - Nov 12, 2000
Larry has some medical problems involving a certain bracelet. No biggy. Then larger problems arise when Larry finds out he shares the same interior decorator as Diane Keaton.
No comment until the time limit is up.
l held the elevator for you,
so you can get on first.
What's this, another half hour now?
-What do you got for me today? What's this?
-l jammed my finger.
-All right, Larry, see you.
-Do l have to pay for this?
-Did you look in your little change thing?
-l don't have it, it would be in my wallet.
l will pay you on Friday.
l let a woman out first, she got in the office
and took 45 minutes and--
lt doesn't look good,
that's all l'm saying to you.
-Really, you're not so pale.
l was late. She left.
l can't do that, Larry.
l mean, Larry, that's a standard thing.
There's an Asian woman who works here?
For parking we take the money,
but not from--
-Tell her the bald guy with the glasses.
-The bald man with the glasses is you?
-As far away from you as possible.
-That's very nice. Thank you, very nice.
Don't worry, Jeff set up another meeting.
You know what? Quite frankly,
l should have read it, because it needs work.
Try calling my new lawyer.
l'm sitting here and elevator, and....
Liar, the elevator!
l need the other $10 now.
Excuse me, l'm gonna need the other $10.
That's what l'll do.
All l need from you is $2.20 and we done.
You have a beautiful car,
but no money for parking.
Great, Diane's been waiting, come on in.
l have a reputation,
and l have a history with Diane--
One person complains,
everything gets changed?
Doctor will be with you in a few minutes,
Aired 19 years ago - Nov 05, 2000
Cheryl and Larry get into a fight after she returns from a trip and he's too distracted by a game on TV to greet her properly. To make peace, Larry decides to buy her a bracelet at a jewelry store, but isn't allowed in because of his shabby clothes.
After bribing a guy to use his cell phone, Larry calls pal Richard Lewis, who arrives to help--except that the store is now closed for lunch. The pair end up helping a blind man move into his apartment, the jewelry store closes for the night, and Richard ends up coveting the same bracelet that Larry wants to buy.
She's sarcastic wonderful, or just....
and l came home...
You know, the moment has passed.
There's nothing we can do about it now.
-What are you wearing?
-l'm gonna work out later.
l was watching the football game.
She'd been away for four days.
and it was platinum,
it had little diamonds in it.
-l wasn't with that guy.
and if a man answers,
hand it back to me, okay?
-So the bracelet is right in the front.
Give me some bread, all right.
But l'm hungry and we'll come back.
-Do me one, let me walk.
We're already finished, so it doesn't matter.
What do you mean l give both?
What am l supposed to give?
and you're the first people
that have actually stopped.
to help me move them to the corner,
so l don't trip over them.
-l didn't mean that in a bad way.
-You guys have a lot in common.
-There are recovering people who are blind.
Here it is. Thank you so very much.
Try to think about
my fingers once, will you?
You know what?
The wingback chair would be better.
Thanks so much. Okay, thanks, all right.
-Okay, you're happy? You sure?
What in the name of God am l gonna do
with a TV in my room? l'm blind.
-You weren't doing a very good job of it.
ls it true or not that l have more,
l don't know, serenity than you?
Got her some roses.
Boy, it's amazing how these roses work.
They're running, what idiots!
Do you believe this team?
-ls there a game on?
-You didn't know that?
lt's a lot of work for volunteering.
You can get it tomorrow.
We'd already made up.
for five hours, explaining to him
why l hung up, and l don't want that.
Would you mind handing me
that sport jacket, please?
-lt was okay.
-The service was good?
Aired 19 years ago - Oct 29, 2000
Larry and Cheryl attend the party of a former porn star. Larry must remove all ""belongings"" of Jeff's before his wife finds them.
-No, l don't wanna go to a porn party.
-lt's not a porn party.
l went in for normal tests,
and he said, ''You're not going anywhere.
l have, seven, eight porn tapes,
a couple of magazines, all right?
-The porn flies everywhere?
-l appreciate it, you're a great pal.
-Good luck. Try not to die.
We're, like, in the boondocks.
There's a party,
they probably don't hear the phone.
Wait a second, is that somebody?
Let me just take a look and l'll steer you.
But l can make it out.
l'm looking for Jake's Way.
l don't know if l passed it or it's up ahead.
There's no hostility, there's no anger.
Can l just have the paper back?
lt's quite scenic, don't you think?
On the driving range the other day?
You're the guy from the driving range.
-Two different things.
-lt's a big difference, really.
l'm old friends with Gil.
We've been buddies for a long time.
-So, 15 minutes.
You didn't mention that Miller
turns into Jake's Way.
-lt's not about that.
'Cause of my porns.
-Honey, Larry is wearing his shoes.
l'm doing this scene,
supposedly with two girls...
So l feel that,
and l think that other girl's shown up.
''l'm going down.''
And this guy goes, ''l'll take care of it.''
That's what l could do.
l wasn't the biggest, all right?
l'll pay for the lamp.
Pity points? Fabulous! l love pity points.
l've already said goodbye
under the worst circumstances.
Also, l'm gonna need directions
to get back to the freeway.
Here you go. These are good.
-Sounded like you knocked.
Are there always barns on farms?
Aired 19 years ago - Oct 22, 2000
Larry goes shopping with Mary Steenburgen and her mother, but things take a turn when Larry takes a drink out of Mary's mother's glass of water. When he realizes who's water it is, he stops...then gags!
-Yes, go for the passes.
-We'll be happy to take them.
And we managed to get
a Paul Simon concert out of it.
-They are so cute.
-What a great couple.
-Him, l can kind of take him or leave him.
-l like him.
And it just kind of radiates?
lf we're gonna be making friends
Heaven, it was heaven.
You know what? l have some pull there.
This is a man's jacket.
l love buying men's jackets.
lt's like a shirt and a jacket.
You know what? l should replace
the shoes from the bowling alley.
What about that blue shirt l had
with the zippered--
So, l'd be happy to order it for you.
lt would take a couple of days.
l've never known a man who loved to shop.
Nothing gives me more pleasure
than cracking an egg.
-What have you got there?
-Went to Barneys.
and l thought, what the hell,
l needed some stuff, so l met her there.
l've never been able to get you
to go shopping before.
Also, her mother was there, too.
l forgot to mention that.
-What's going on?
-You and Mary switched bags at Barneys.
Right, you know what?
Call Mary first, figure out what to wear.
-lf they call by tomorrow, you're fine, right?
-Don't leave your post.
-l'm right here.
Because that guy gave them to you
by mistake the other day.
Or even weirder that you left
without even your shoes.
-Those are comfortable shoes.
-l'm glad you liked them.
-They smell like new shoes.
-You're still coming in to get--
-Let me tell you what happened.
l'm the solution to the problem, okay?
lt's 4:30 p.m. Maybe we should call them.
This is very disrespectful.
Still crazy after all these years
And I ain't no fool for love songs
-l don't know.
-lt looked so great on you the other day.
-You're so innocent.
-l'm not diabolical, you think l'm diabolical?
-Were you at that concert last night?
Aired 19 years ago - Oct 15, 2000
Larry goes to the movies with one of Cheryl's friends and his pants have an unusual bulge in them, making him look like he's having an erection.
-What's going on?
-Nothing, l'm going to the movies.
-Get me off the speakerphone, please!
-He's looking at my breasts.
-Yeah, your special breasts.
She's sitting on the aisle.
She doesn't expect somebody to come in?
You're so funny.
l get the distinct feeling
that l'm, like, Himmler's ghost.
l love you, nice to meet you.
Hope l see you again.
but l think your friend, Nancy...
-You didn't say anything--
-No, there was no time, the movie started.
She wouldn't let me go and we got....
He wasn't there.
-You have no idea what happened?
Do you know
how much longer he's gonna be?
And the thing is, she's gonna ask me again.
and said that she wanted me
to write a pilot for her...
''and he said
l couldn't write the pilot for her...
so my parents are very sensitive to it.
-One stupid, little thing.
-Because of the gay Jew cousin?
Nobody is gonna wanna see her
on another awards show.
ls that tin foil or plastic?
He just said no without telling me.
So, that's what he said he was sorry about.
-Let me tell you something.
First of all, they're not breasts,
they're just big chemical balls, okay?
We've already had intercourse.
She's loving, she speaks seven languages--
-Do you read the sides with her?
-She reads Wiesel and a lot of things.
-Am l hearing this?
-l'm not having dinner.
There he is, hi, Lar.
l know you were in the car,
you overheard me say something.
l don't think my wife is Hitler,
l love my wife very much.
You have to get a hold of yourself.
Larry, come, it's so cute.
-Why are you doing this? This is silly!
-Tell her what you told me the other night.
Nancy, this is why it's funny...
-And l wouldn't mind it, if in fact, l did.
-Wait a second.
lf it happened, l would give you credit for it!
-Look at these pants.
-That's not what it looked like.
-l haven't seen you in so long, look at this.
-Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Greene.
There is a little bit of a problem.
Remember the other day, you were leaving...
-So, they didn't even say hello to me.
-l know, they're upset with you.
We can't sit two in a four,
we can sit a four in a four...
lt will help.
Ma'am, can you come for one second?
-l'm gonna get the veal parmesan.
-Honey, l don't think you should get that.
lt's our business.