Aired 18 years ago - Nov 25, 2001
Cheryl's psychic busts Larry for a naughty massage, and a restaurant owner busts Larry for stealing forks.
-That shocks me.
That's amazing, she's almost magical.
Stuff that's bad, she doesn't hold back.
She'll tell you. Yeah.
Are they playing for thousands of dollars?
So, my treat.
-Right there, what's that?
-Yeah, that's a bad spot.
My mother did throw me
against a brick wall...
-How's your chi?
-lt's good, it's delicious chi.
No, I don't want you to wait outside.
l want you to hear this, okay?
who wants to give him a happy ending.
You either do zero pumps
or a thousand pumps.
She's got an appointment with...
then we can stay all night,
do whatever we want.
Come on, it's as good as done, right?
and I immediately
just thought it was superb.
-Yeah, he getting a massage.
-of trying to....
-Like the skiing thing.
Talk further about casting
and further, you know.
lt went well, I think...
What are you talking about,
did something happen?
l don't know why she would.
Maybe she's an anti-Semite.
-You don't have to do that, I got it.
-l got it, it's my job.
-'Cause we're celebrating.
-l know, but we could've got a town car.
-Right this way.
lt's not even subtle, it's ridiculous.
That's why he gets paid,
he sits there and waits. lt's not a bad job.
-What do you mean?
-We both got the same dish.
No, l'm gonna give it to the limo driver.
Just, like, leftovers?
l'll be right back, okay? l'll be right back.
There's a driver outside.
You know what,
l'm not good at artificial small talk.
All right, I guess in hindsight...
Oh, God, the driver.
Shit, I completely forgot.
So l'll maybe call you next week?
ln the matter of Larry David,
the record reflect the presence of Mr. David.
so he wouldn't have to eat with his hands
and get it all over his face and his clothing.
that you were gonna do what you wanted,
when you wanted...
l could work at the temple
on Saturday mornings...
Aired 18 years ago - Nov 18, 2001
The Jewish fiance of Cheryl's sister converts to Christianity; Richard Lewis accuses Larry of stealing the outgoing message on his answering machine.
-Do me a favor?
Do me a favor and change it for me.
l'm a big man. l'm a big, expansive man.
What do I got to take?
Do I need a traveling outfit?
-Blue blazer and a red tie and a white shirt?
l know that about Becky. She's very....
-l don't really think it's--
-''We want you to have lobster!''
That's okay, we got time.
Somebody came into your office
and stole airline tickets to Monterey?
He hands them the ticket,
he walks on the plane. Call the airline.
Okay, let me just....
That's something new, Larry.
So I guess we'll just run to the gate....
Maybe he's already in our seat.
Make a call, have a cup of coffee.
-What do you wanna do?
-We don't have time to stand in line.
Everybody here has been waiting, okay?
Okay, you can give me the ticket.
Ladies and gentlemen,
AirWest flight 1459 to Monterey, California...
-You talking to me?
The point is, somebody is in our seats, see?
which will get you in at 4:00.
She wants to discuss this in person.
Okay. l'm gonna drive. Thank you.
-Did you check it after you changed it?
l think you should look at the map
and find out where we are exactly.
They ruined the continental United States.
-lt's gotta be around here, right?
-ls that a....
-Get him! Hold your breath! Kick!
l don't care if I lose Jews.
Take them all, I don't need them.
Come here. You don't know me, Dave Levin.
You're with us now, all right?
Get back in, a couple of dunks, you're done.
We don't have to do it in a river.
Do you have a tub in this house?
After I came out of the water,
l didn't feel like a Christian...
Something changed my mind for me,
makes me feel different now.
Aired 18 years ago - Nov 11, 2001
When Larry accidentally trips Shaquille O'Neal at a Lakers game, the incident brings him good luck. Guest starring Shaquille O'Neal and Richard Lewis.
-Great, I would love to do that.
-Thank you, he would love that.
l don't know, how much was this?
Chicken and turkey
and a glass... I got $1 15, is that cool?
l was gonna say goodbye, l'm not a moron.
l know how to--
l hope my parents found something to eat.
l didn't even think about that.
You don't know what the hell
you're talking about...
Okay, ''J,'' five, go!
-They're not real, though.
-So what? They're in the sky.
Are you going to be using
your light much longer?
By the way, I could make those
triangles and those circles.
No. lt's stupid.
Good, Albert Mayo, Larry David,
Larry David, Albert Mayo.
-Just one favor.
-l'm gonna go hit some balls.
-l'll see you at the range.
You can make an appointment
and just come to the office.
All he had to do was take a look at it.
Would it have killed him?
-Great, right? How great is this?
He's been out of the game for five minutes.
lt's not an assassination attempt,
for Christ's sake.
-Just sit down.
-lt was an accident!
Yeah, no, believe me, Julie, I saw it.
l saw him on the news.
Could you please take this
to the next room...
l was just stretching my legs out
and he tripped.
l mean, Shaq is coming off the bench...
How much more clear can I be?
All the Seinfeld shows, every one.
Don't leave that in the middle.
l gotta put this in here.
All right, I mean, if you reconsider,
you can come back.
Larry! l'm so glad I caught you at home.
my memories from the two times
we had dinner together....
-ls that Jill?
-Holy, what a--
Okay, thanks a lot, bye-bye, now.
This is very good, by the way, thank you.
lt's a cafe latte? What is that, milk?
Excuse me, are you a doctor?
-Stay out of the sun.
-Okay, thanks, Doc.
-That's very.... He'll appreciate it.
-l was actually just coming to drop them off.
-So how things been going?
-Albert, how you doing?
-Look who I found wandering the halls.
-l got you all the tapes of every episode.
-Doc's killing us.
-l'm gonna go to the can, l'll be right back.
-Why would you cheat at Scattergories?
-Al, come on.
-l told you to get out.
Aired 18 years ago - Nov 04, 2001
Larry's attendance at a screening results in chaos; an unlockable bathroom door causes trouble. Guest starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Rita Wilson and Susie Essman.
-Enjoy the show.
l mean, what if I have
a really bad kidney thing? l'm not--
What's the deal? What is she doing?
Does she work here, or is she a guest?
l'm sure we would all like to have water.
''Excuse me, Mrs. Cantor,
we've got homework.
She's talking to Anne Michaelson,
Lane Michaelson's wife.
We don't have plans,
we don't wanna go to dinner with you.
l have to thank your producer, director...
-You can go in there.
Do you think maybe it's too long?
while they ski and eat chocolate.
Yeah, now this is definitely easier to brush,
and it looks great.
-l know. lt's insane.
You walked into my daughter's room
and cut her Judy's hair?
-l got this doll before she was born.
-l can replace it, l'm sure I can.
-Not a surprise.
-l thought it was understood that....
l might be able to help you with this, okay?
-All of a sudden I got this deal--
-Because l'm really not in the mood.
-l fucked up.
l cannot risk running into him
at social functions...
You have no idea
how much money l've spent on dolls.
-Yes, it is, of course it is.
-Stick it in your jacket.
Listen, and l'll tell you.
Sammy's shelf has been on my mind.
Look, get the hell.... Leave.
And by the way...
You don't think Michaelson's wife....
Do you think she's gonna have....
All right. Why don't you come in?
-So, thank you. I appreciate it.
-You're very welcome, and again...
Yeah, it's a shame she didn't know
that the hair wasn't gonna grow back, yeah.
Where's the fucking head?
Just get me the fucking head, all right?
-What are you doing?
-My penis itches me.
-My penis is itching.
-You know what?
Okay, great, thank you so much.
How do you know I wanna go out with her?
Aired 18 years ago - Oct 28, 2001
An acupuncturist agrees to waive the fee if he cannot cure Larry's back; a writer asks for a loan.
-l talk to Elliot and Andy occasionally.
-Yeah, how's Elliot doing?
-this weird number on me--
-Try and put that on the swiss if you can.
-He knows you're working in a deli?
-Yeah, of course he does, yeah.
-So I can--
-Yeah, of course.
Yeah, that's not quite accurate.
-No, I don't think so, my friend.
-Yes, I think so.
Cheryl, somebody sent me flowers.
''There, but for the grace of God, go you.''
l mean, that's a weird thing.
l wouldn't go back.
-That guy's a freak.
-l think I struck a chord.
People like you
walking around like people like me.
-He should've been here 15 minutes ago.
Room service was late with my food.
What do you want?
What's wrong with a lime-green T-shirt?
Yeah, I left my sun....
l was in the deli the other day.
-There's a surprise party in that house.
Larry had to change his outfit...
600,000 people died in the Civil War.
l mean, I wish my worthless son
could get into something like that...
lf not for the environment,
then we're fighting to get money...
You're so charming and beautiful.
Please excuse me to the ladies' room.
Larry, why don't you have a seat here?
l'm lucky that I had a father
who was so supportive of me...
He gave me a quarter
of what I was gonna get in the will...
Be charming. Okay, goodbye.
-NRDC, whatever the hell it is.
-You're Joel Reynolds?
-Yes, I am.
-l don't like it.
-lt's just one day of the week.
Yeah, you should be sorry
because you just lost my account.
I'm calling to confirm
your acupuncture appointment.
-You have to talk to him.
-Nice to see you.
-Nice to see you. Hello.
-Yes, I sell buttons to the cut-up trade.
-l didn't throw the water at him, the waiter--
Somebody got me in a headlock.
l am much worse.
You told her, and she told me,
that you said that you were better.
Aired 18 years ago - Oct 21, 2001
Larry and Richard Lewis, who both see the same psychotherapist, plot ways of ending their respective relationships with the therapist after Larry sees the man wearing a thong bathing suit.
No, you are the guy who created Seinfeld.
No, you don't have to be entertaining.
Just be yourself...
You know, go to Santa Barbara one day.
Don't you think I would
love to go to the beach?
but that's all you need
to worry yourself with, okay?
Gotcha. I'm looking forward to it.
All right, let's see, l'll grab this.
I didn't want to drive an hour and a half
with a bathing suit on.
I can't carry all this stuff.
What about the umbrella, you want that too?
Yeah, l've never once seen a Gentile ask for,
or even put on, sun block.
Don't you feel calmer?
- Yeah, I see him.
- Yeah, that's my therapist.
Can we go? Let's just go.
- Are you sure it was Dr. Weiss?
- It was him, it was him.
- I would've never told you.
- You should be thanking me.
I was born in Brooklyn, and I felt alienated...
- Can't we have lunch and discuss this?
- I can't.
"Tippecanoe and Tyler, too."
at the same table. Pretty big table.
You ever see Joe Piscopo's Jersey Guy?
Please, whatever you need,
l'll donate anything you want.
And everything that's in it, Mr. Spleen
It's a nervous system syndrome...
Dr. Groat might be Dick Groat's father,
for all we know.
Yours will be ready
in just a few minutes, sir.
It's a couple minutes.
You don't mind, do you?
I don't see why you can't wait two seconds
for your cold sandwich. It's not even hot.
Yeah, no, problem.
Yeah, 'cause Lou Gehrig
had a disease named after him.
I asked if he would mind. I was starving.
He said, "Maybe if Larry would...
that you can have a life
with Groat's syndrome...
and I think also, do quite a bit...
Pretty, pretty, pretty...
You know what I am? I'm the terminator.
You know, just intermittently, if I can,
if you'll have me, I hope you will.
I mean, that's a situation
that I find rather annoying.
You've never seen me ebullient,
so you don't even know what it is.
Yeah, just gently flowing
in the breeze, that's me.
Yeah, of course you are.
- He's on to us?
- He's on to me.
- You told him what?
- I told him I was happy.
Look, what is this? This is what?
- I have no idea what you're talking about.
- I'm very happy, l'm very happy for you.
Aired 18 years ago - Oct 14, 2001
Larry is labeled a misogynist when he believes an HBO Network executive took some shrimp from his meal, following a mistake in a delivery of Chinese food.
- We should get out of here.
You know who I ran into? Allan Wasserman.
That's who had our food, Allan Wasserman.
you'll be believed, don't you think?
What do you mean, "Would he really?"
There's three shrimp in there.
Hi, Lar. It's good to see you.
- So, what's this idea? I'm dying to hear it.
- All right, here's the idea.
And she grows to hate the character,
and she becomes embittered and hostile.
That happened to me last week,
l was skiing.
- Good, l'm so relieved.
- So let's pitch it to HBO.
I'm in a poker game
with Michael and his wife...
- All right, HBO.
- All right, exciting.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus invited us to play poker.
I really don't like that you're taking
so much pleasure in this.
Hang on a minute.
Why park the car, go into this hotel...
It makes no sense,
unless you're trying to get laid.
Hi, Michael, how are you?
- You've gotta make the nice.
- How's the stepfather doing?
about this concept recently,
and I think it's pretty exciting.
You counted the shrimp,
you're a shrimp-counter now.
What where you doing? What was that?
As if I wasn't gonna know
that he took the shrimp?
Have you talked to him
about your imaginary stepfather?
- I've been Brad and Julia's dentist for years.
- Really, Mickey, that is good to know...
There was a mix up
at a Chinese takeout restaurant.
But everything's fine now,
and we're very delighted...
And I say, why keep supporting them?
Let's play it.
Two-card Guts or three-card Guts?
- A lot.
- It's about, $700, $800 in there, come on.
- I had nothing, 2 and a 4.
- That's what I had, nothing.
It's not fine.
You know what, time to go, how about that?
Maybe in retrospect,
l should've said, "Pussy."
Big deal, I call men pricks all the time,
men want to work with me.
- You always put in 11?
- We have a very strict policy about that.
He takes his poker very...
we have patient-doctor confidentiality.
there's no misunderstanding
that I saw him beating you in your car.
- There's other networks, right?
- This is not the end of the world, HBO.
Aired 18 years ago - Oct 07, 2001
When Larry and Cheryl attend the premiere of a movie written by a handicapped friend, Cliff Cobb, Larry offends a Jewish neighbor, alienates Cliff (as well as the memory of his salad-inventing grandfather) and sends misguided romantic overtures to
Cliff's wife, Shelly. Later, the Davids experience the "trick" side of Halloween when Larry refuses to give candy to two uncostumed teenagers. Having failed to get a bracelet for his wife on her birthday, Larry makes amends with the perfect gift on a romantic morning, but then Jeff arrives to play a round of golf. In the end, Larry gets revenge on a jewish neighbor and his teenage daughters, by arriving at his home with the orchestra that he used for Cheryl's birthday, as they played the tune that offended this neighbor.
lt was your grandfather's salad!
What? Why is that so hard to believe?
Did I tell you that I have a very good friend
that went to South Africa?
I don't play golf.
and he wrote it as a birthday present
for his wife Cosima.
How can you have this attitude?
That you're better?
I know it's freezing 'cause you can
see the smoke coming out of his mouth.
Tomorrow, l'm sitting around.
I'm not doing anything.
No, it was really good.
So we're in the lobby
and we're talking to him...
If I was playing checkers,
l'd have told him I was playing checkers.
Yeah, absolutely. Okay, I gotta go. Bye.
So please call them.
And Shelley Cobb called.
on the Cobb salad.
That didn't... Oh, no, Shelley.
"The Cobb salad was created at
the legendary Brown Derby in Hollywood."
Well, let me just do a few more bags.
Can you believe this?
You just use the holiday
for your own selfish purposes?
they can be very subtle costumes.
I'm just using Elvira to describe her.
But we consider ourselves
a group of people.
It's a threat.
How far can you take these tricks?
- So maybe...
- People are right.
I haven't seen the house yet, anyhow.
I like this shirt.
I get a lot of compliments on this outfit.
Yeah, the bracelet.
She told me in the restaurant,
you propositioned her.
- That's true.
- That's me who does that?
What's he gonna say?
I had him dead to rights.
No, they're not.
Can I help you with anything?
wrote "bald asshole" on my door.
Not only are you a lousy Jew,
but you're a lousy human being!
Aired 18 years ago - Sep 30, 2001
Jeff leaves his wife Susie, and worries that his private life will become public in court. Jeff's concern affects Larry, who becomes obsessed with showing Cheryl how normal he is. Meanwhile, Larry seeks revenge on pro wrestler Thor Olson, who he believes slashed his tire after an argument on the road.
I owe you big time.
so they'll have more members
and more money coming in.
Are you thinking about sex?
- You think l'm kinky?
- Do you think you're kinky?
No, not at all.
I got to go call Jason Alexander.
- What's shaking?
- No, l'm not a violent...
- Shut up!
- Dude, you're gonna bust your bumper.
I never took a shop class
and I need a little help.
For a verbal response, $10.
The guy's coming with my car...
his first name's Thor, Thor Oleson.
- What's this thing?
No, that's okay, let's not do that.
I got a very nice office.
You'll be able to focus on anything.
So, the drive part, that I did do.
that's not accomplished, let's accomplish it.
You keep coming back
to this insane thing with driving.
Why didn't you tell me
you were canceling AAA?
- I didn't tell Wanda she had a big ass.
- She just called me and told me.
You don't yell a comment
about a woman's ass.
- No, this is interesting, you love big asses?
- No, I don't love big asses.
- I don't have an ass fetish.
- This is very kinky.
Is that it? "Hey, big ass."
I didn't know he was so obsessed
with asses until today.
he puts you in this awkward position,
like all the times he used to keep secrets.
He thinks I don't know
about that porn stash.
- He violates me, Larry. He defiles me.
- I don't want to know.
I want to talk, could I go with you,
to the hotel?
Why did you have to put
those clothes of Jeff's...
- I sleep on a big pile of clothes.
- It's just disgusting.
hating each other desperately,
but still they...
- Did Jeff say he's gonna meet us here?
- He's gonna meet us in the lobby.
I've come all this way.
Remember earlier today
you said that you owed me one?
I want you to let the air
out of somebody's tires.
Aired 18 years ago - Sep 23, 2001
Larry David and his wife purchase a new oceanfront home owned by a television star's agent. Meanwhile, Larry shocks his wife and friends by deciding to take a job as a car salesman.
They bought another house.
So they are so ready to move.
- Very spacious.
I've never seen that
here before, it's very rare.
Yeah, you're not doing anything.
I love it. I really think it's perfect.
It's, like, maybe 35, 40, 50 at the most,
You know, fake cashmere and all...
Why, l'm not insane. You think l'm insane?
- How are you, man?
- Jeff, hi, good to see you.
That's good, l'm managed by a bigwig.
Except women into sex,
that's one thing I can't do.
That's Larry David, he created Seinfeld.
l will sell more cars
than anybody in your showroom.
which l'm sure is not
going to be a problem for you.
So, now you're going to be a car salesman?
Prius? That's ours, that's easy.
So, what's the big deal?
Who's more insane?
- Who you talking to?
What it be?
I'd love to go back to TV, that seems good.
But I can't shake this George thing.
What do you mean "schmuck"?
I don't get that.
I'm sorry that you hate
the character so much.
You played a character...
And he becomes embittered
and grows to hate the character.
You working on another thing,
another show or something?
Roll over, are you kidding?
Look at this thing.
What the hell are you doing over here?
You're fucking up my shit.
I'm the co-creator of the show.
- you get back in touch with them and...
- Are you over it now?
House seems different
than it did the other day.
Told you I didn't trust that Schneider.
It's like you're driving a bus up there.
- Wood grain is not going to stop us from...
- I'll come back another time.
"l love Richard but he's high maintenance"?
- What, you don't believe me?
- Would you mind if I check the label?
- I had that sale.
- I'm happy for you, Larry.
- Why'd you get fired?
- I got 86ed.