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Season 2  "Blood Test"  2x3

Aired 9 years ago - Feb 10, 2011

When Archer's favorite call girl suddenly arrives for a visit, Archer is shocked to learn that she claims her new baby boy was fathered by him. She obtains a court order that forces him to take a paternity test in hopes of proving her claim.

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Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 1
Nothing. Hundred-to-one he's mine.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 2
Ouch. I mean that's gotta hurt, huh?
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 3
One, I don't need a baby to validate my existence.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 4
Well, I'm sorry, Lana, but I didn't invent the childproof pill bottle.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 5
Bring it.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 6
Oh, he'll hate that. I wanna come.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 7
And said test will, obviously, be administered by a third party, so...
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 8
...given your agency's, uh...
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 9
- How's it hanging, buddy? - Hanging great, Barry. How's the leg?
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 10
- What the...? Hey! - What the hell is this?
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 11
...which should prevent his attempting to compromise the test.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 12
I don't know why I told you where. It doesn't matter.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 13
...along with a blood sample from the wee baby Seamus...
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 14
I seriously don't feel good at all.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 15
How could I show my face around town if...?
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 16
...and replace your blood with someone else's.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 17
Ugh. I think I could use a drink.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 18
- Oh, you guys are so sweet. - I made that.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 19
Here, it's some plastic dry cleaner bags. Oh, and a book about SIDS.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 20
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 21
Well, I don't care to be judged by a couple of lousy hooker-baby havers.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 22
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 23
...you're gonna get all boohooey and ask me to pump a baby in you.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 24
Alcohol tends to exacerbate an underlying personality disorder.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 25
I don't know, sometimes I think, you know, I'd like to adopt a little baby.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 26
- Come on, Ray. - Sploosh. Called it three drinks ago.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 27
Oh, and here's to child support.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 28
Hey, I just ran all the way to the drugstore a liter low on blood...
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 29
After that scrape I got you out of?
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 30
I didn't have a sip of water the entire time I was down there.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 31
- Cyril, you are... - Preaching to the choir, buddy.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 32
- Uh-huh. - Prancing around in their stirrup pants.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 33
- What are you doing to me? - Shut up.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 34
God, how are you even still alive? Holy shit, how am I still alive?
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 35
...for the bastard child you humped into a filthy whore.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 36
"Hey, where did you get your turtleneck? The turtleneck store?"
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 37
...because I'm kind of drunk for this. Oh, shit. Nuts.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 38
- Oh, yeah? Yeah? - Yeah. Yeah.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 39
So shut up and help me find the nutmeg, and I'll make you some Malcolm X tea.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 40
- It wasn't exactly planned, Lana. - Okay, shut up, but...
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 41
Why are you and Mother in my room, going through my things?
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 42
Cannot picture him as a baby. You know?
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 43
- I was trying to get him off, buttinsky. - Out.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 44
His first smoking jacket.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 45
- And why are you calling me right now? - I had to, before it's too late.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 46
- And yes, maybe I've had a few. - Really?
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 47
Sterling, no one's ever sure they're ready for a child.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 48
Was it when I wanted cornrows? No.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 49
- They only took a bit of blood. - Quit being such a baby.
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 50
- ...out of sight of ODIN personnel. - We get it. Let's move on, Barry.

Or scroll and see one by one:

Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 2
Ouch. I mean that's gotta hurt, huh?
#2
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 3
One, I don't need a baby to validate my existence.
#3
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 4
Well, I'm sorry, Lana, but I didn't invent the childproof pill bottle.
#4
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 5
Bring it.
#5
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 6
Oh, he'll hate that. I wanna come.
#6
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 7
And said test will, obviously, be administered by a third party, so...
#7
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 8
...given your agency's, uh...
#8
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 9
- How's it hanging, buddy? - Hanging great, Barry. How's the leg?
#9
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 10
- What the...? Hey! - What the hell is this?
#10
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 11
...which should prevent his attempting to compromise the test.
#11
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 12
I don't know why I told you where. It doesn't matter.
#12
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 13
...along with a blood sample from the wee baby Seamus...
#13
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 14
I seriously don't feel good at all.
#14
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 15
How could I show my face around town if...?
#15
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 16
...and replace your blood with someone else's.
#16
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 17
Ugh. I think I could use a drink.
#17
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 18
- Oh, you guys are so sweet. - I made that.
#18
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 19
Here, it's some plastic dry cleaner bags. Oh, and a book about SIDS.
#19
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 20 #20 Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 21
Well, I don't care to be judged by a couple of lousy hooker-baby havers.
#21
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 22 #22 Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 23
...you're gonna get all boohooey and ask me to pump a baby in you.
#23
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 24
Alcohol tends to exacerbate an underlying personality disorder.
#24
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 25
I don't know, sometimes I think, you know, I'd like to adopt a little baby.
#25
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 26
- Come on, Ray. - Sploosh. Called it three drinks ago.
#26
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 27
Oh, and here's to child support.
#27
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 28
Hey, I just ran all the way to the drugstore a liter low on blood...
#28
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 29
After that scrape I got you out of?
#29
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 30
I didn't have a sip of water the entire time I was down there.
#30
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 31
- Cyril, you are... - Preaching to the choir, buddy.
#31
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 32
- Uh-huh. - Prancing around in their stirrup pants.
#32
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 33
- What are you doing to me? - Shut up.
#33
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 34
God, how are you even still alive? Holy shit, how am I still alive?
#34
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 35
...for the bastard child you humped into a filthy whore.
#35
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 36
"Hey, where did you get your turtleneck? The turtleneck store?"
#36
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 37
...because I'm kind of drunk for this. Oh, shit. Nuts.
#37
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 38
- Oh, yeah? Yeah? - Yeah. Yeah.
#38
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 39
So shut up and help me find the nutmeg, and I'll make you some Malcolm X tea.
#39
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 40
- It wasn't exactly planned, Lana. - Okay, shut up, but...
#40
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 41
Why are you and Mother in my room, going through my things?
#41
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 42
Cannot picture him as a baby. You know?
#42
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 43
- I was trying to get him off, buttinsky. - Out.
#43
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 44
His first smoking jacket.
#44
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 45
- And why are you calling me right now? - I had to, before it's too late.
#45
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 46
- And yes, maybe I've had a few. - Really?
#46
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 47
Sterling, no one's ever sure they're ready for a child.
#47
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 48
Was it when I wanted cornrows? No.
#48
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 49
- They only took a bit of blood. - Quit being such a baby.
#49
Recap of Archer (2009) Season 2 Episode 3 (S02E03) - 50
- ...out of sight of ODIN personnel. - We get it. Let's move on, Barry.
#50