Aired 8 years ago - Apr 21, 2011
Krieger works to finish a top-secret project, and Archer brings a mysterious former KGB agent named Katya Kazanova home to meet Malory.
If you're into power,
let's go down to my van...
Eh, l almost got married once.
Church, reception, I had it all lined up.
she did move in with me but--
Well, whatever. And shut up. And if you
don't make Katya an lSlS agent, Mother...
And yet you talk.
Because the traitor Kasanova
knows too much.
No, you have actual egg on your face.
[KNOCKlNG ON DOOR]
...and l was trying to beat my record
for cramming pool balls in my mouth...
Speaking of, would you describe your
relationship with Katya as solid or--?
My God, Krieger, why not just give
her the project on a floppy disk?
I know it just kills you
that I'm in love with Katya--
Which is more
than l ever got.
From there it's all just Orcs
and Gollums and Balrogs.
How long until Mother sees this?
Faking my file
so that everyone here thinks that l am--
You don't have to. Look at me.
Although not in that order.
Hey, not in any order.
Don't worry, she won't get far.
I'm locking lSIS down, top to bottom.
But he is not a double agent.
Are you retarded?
He's your son, not a--
Ray, she got him to quit drinking.
What was it?
My bug-out bag. It was right here.
I shall check my sewing room.
Wait, his what?
Ah, is not so bad. You take crossword,
you catch up with your neighbors.
So nyet promotion...
Gentlemen, we can rebuild him.
[SPEAKS IN RUSSlAN]
Oh, pleasure. Definitely pleasure.
Even if it's-- Oh, l don't know,
a criminally insane cyborg.
If l knew and/or cared
who and/or what that was.
Canada's got casinos, right?
At one time, yes, but I needed a place
to sew your suits, you see, so--
And nobody, especially Mother,
is gonna ruin that for me.
...l'd like for you to have this.
Well then, goodbye, Woodhouse,
and you're fired.
If you come out to the living room,
I have a surprise for you.
Yeah, it hurt like crazy.
No, no, about this, about us.
Okay. Coming, Mother!
I'm all good.
Uh, no, I'm fine.
...but l am in love with Katya.
I knew l forgot to mention
something, and it was this.
...is Russia's most dangerous enemy.
Krieger-san, you promised.
Aired 8 years ago - Apr 14, 2011
Archer's search for his father's identity leads him into hot water. Agent Barry Dylan is sent to rescue Archer.
- Super bad, have you seen a neurologist?
- Have a cat-scan tomorrow.
- Who, nice.
- Right? The man you've been having a
- What's up?
- You disgusting little sneak!
- and it's freezin my jernk... - Then I put
whipped cream all over everything...
- really just the, ya know, core group.
- Pam, I should have you
Probably hanging by his
Achilles tendons in some KGB hellhole!
- You little...! Okay, then... Lana!
- As what, Russia's only black woman?
- Damn it!
wouldn't hurt... could, um, this
someone be from outside the agency?
- Oh! And he sodomized my fiancée!
- You're still together?!
- Or more damage.
- One million dollars.
- You did it once!
- By accident! Mostly.
Well, also very much Archer,
- After. Non-negotiable.
- Then can I bring you back anything from Moscow?
- Yeah, so I hear...
- Damn that... Pam!
Which is... pretty rare for me. Hi.
I swear I'm
just a Finnish skydiving enthusiast
- In the brain's language center?
- I tink nut. Okay, we wait some test on you,
Barry?! Oh my God, Barry, I got...
Holy shit, Barry! You're in the KGB?!
Um, okay. Until then, do you have
some sort of escape plan, or...?
Nikolai Jakov, the head of the KGB?
I know you heff been sleepink with thet,
Da?! Do you know your son is here, in
the cells of the dreaded Lubyanka?!
- Touch it Barry.
- Uh, no, it's not that thick back here.
So what was your plan again?
I think I remember thinking it was good...
talking about we're out of rubber cement?
- Just roll it down.
- We're hiding in plain sight, alright...
Or earplugs, you idiot!
You know how bad that is for your eardrums?!
- Yeah?! Well at least I have a father!
- Are you implying
- Barry wait, slow down!
Kroshka, he kill two military police.
So even if he wuz my biologik son...
- The unly guy who want a fodder?
- Under wery suspicious circumstences...
- You could help, ya know!
- Yeah so now, what are we doing?
- Who tut you women how to shoot?!
- It's just I'm not super-big on heights...
Yeah, to the silk-lined sleeve
of a bespoke Savile Row suit jacket!
And uh... That way's not looking too good.
Wait, wait, wait Barry, there! We'll jump it!
get outta here... So I'm thinking
that we probably should split up.
- Archer! Lemme climb up you!
Mudaks! You shoot like uld women!
Uh... secret police! Shoes!
Now! Those cannot be your only shoes.
But I'm giving you this coat, so...
Hi, how ya doin, Sterling Archer.
- Who would break in to this shithole?!
- Come on! He's on the roof!
What is Luffers...? Wh-?! Aahhaaaghhhh!
More of a lace-up crowd?!
Did I just blow your minds?
Oh, that's groceries? Sorry, thought
it was garbage. Here, take this...
Aired 8 years ago - Apr 07, 2011
When a mysterious stranger summons Malory and her intrepid ISIS agents to Monaco, all bets are off! Well, actually all bets are on. Because Monaco is basically one giant casino, and Archer has $4 million in untraceable bearer bonds. Also, it's Gran Prix week, so you can just forget getting a hotel room
Sounds like "Ben Wa balls," Benoit.
...a post-Jacuzzi female companion,
and for somebody to get up here...
Pardon, monsieur, but as I said,
the suite royale is reserved for...
Madame, the only way you will have
this suite is over my lifeless corpse.
- Pretty dumb taking a bath with it.
- Sterling, I'm warning you.
Um, slightly from where?
- You better not.
- Oh, my God.
And how does she have
2.3 million damn dollars in her 401(k)?
Which is funny why?
- Lady luck, monsieur.
- Bon. Then I wish you bonne chance.
- Oh, shoot. I can't. I don't have any...
- What happened?
Shit. Or whatever, merde.
Uh, speaking of candy,
I'm gonna be here a while...
- Here, take this.
- No, thanks. I'm not thirs... Ow!
- Three-point-two million dollars?
- I've been really streaky, Ray.
BOY ARCHER: Um, hit me?
- Archer, when your mother finds out...
- No, Ray, you cannot tell her.
Who are you, Carrie Nation?
- Keep it in your pants, sister.
Unh. Oh, God.
Shut up. And ours too.
- Look, I said I was sorry.
- No, you didn't.
Not without my turtleneck, but still...
...is whatever asshole
physically holds the piece of paper.
Because your mother's cleaned out
all the ISIS 401(k) accounts.
He does have a point.
Well, whatever's on the disk, Lachouffe
expects $4 million in bearer bonds...
I bet you get chilly at night,
all alone in that great big castle.
- Lf they're even in the casino.
- Well, where else would they be, Ray?
Why not? They're already tied up,
and we don't even have any rope, so...
[BOTH SPEAK IN FRENCH]
- Zoo? Ici?
- Go, dumbass.
And I can let all this stuff go
...and about, say, 80 computers
for your clubhouse?
Wow, this might be hard to drive
with such a huge, throbbing erection.
And a Negress at that.
Well, yeah, now.
And I never got my swan-shaped towels.
Just must be out of carburetor.
Aired 8 years ago - Mar 31, 2011
Pam is abducted by kidnappers who mistake her for Cheryl. It seems that Cheryl wasn’t completely forthcoming about her background when she applied for her job at ISIS.
Because my last name
isn't Gimple, like it says on my W-4.
Not a big deal,
I spent like, every summer
there, listening to my creepy
Oh my god! That's you!
Ugh, my stupid ocelot.
Do what huh what?
The chauffeur had a stroke
and slammed into a tree.
I... because I'm not
worth a billion dollars!
Being scared of kidnappers
the rest of my life?!
- First of all, I'm sure Pam is fine...
- Who taught ya how to punch?
For, you know...
a modest retainer.
What're we doing?
It's like Meow-schwitz in there.
Followed by an illion.
Plus an administrative fee, a small
contingency fee, few odds and ends...
Cheryl is insisting we try to get
the kidnappers to release Pam!
Yes? Yeah, one sec?
- Two minutes.
Small price to pay for beauty.
We don't want them coming here.
How do ya think
I paid for college?
Well I just assume she's safe at
ISIS, laughing her skinny lying ass
Wh-? Not the IRA, my IRA!
- Well, we obviously don't want you to...
- Violate the First Law of Robotics.
- And even if she were...
- I am!
- Five thousand?
- For Pam?
so if you will excuse me,
I am going to rescue Pam.
No heroics, you two.
It's just Pam.
Now shut up.
Jesus, how many Irish gangs are there?
- Oh my God...
- I'm not taking his side!
Brett! For the love of God!
No she didn't!
I mean, unless you wanna chop off my
fingertips and slice out my retinas!
- Uh, let's see, what else...
- Tom Collins, try not to drown it.
Who ya talkin to?
What kind of sick, degenerate...
Not the phone sex operator
you're totally lying about! Cheryl!
No, I've been up here
the whole time.
Aired 8 years ago - Mar 24, 2011
When Archer discovers that the chemotherapy drugs he has been taking are phony, he goes on a rampage against the Irish gangsters behind the scheme. He also makes friends with a fellow marijuana-toking cancer patient (voice of Joan Van Ark). Meanwhile, Cyril learns why Krieger is fluent in Portuguese.
What are you...?
Sterling, no, you're not well.
Which I am going to push, very slowly,
into your urethra.
- Well, excuse me, Lana. It's a rampage.
- Still, though.
Plus I can only assume a Brazilian mob
would be a jillion times sexier.
- Name the douchebag who's in charge.
- Vincent Van Go fuck yourself.
- Unh, unh. Oh, you son of a whore.
- Save it for the fast money round, Paddy.
and the innocent Honduran janitors...
They told me it was cream
for male pattern baldness.
Victimless crimes, Mikey.
Tell me about the counterfeit chemo drugs.
All those beaners care about
is taking American jobs.
I know, but now in mid-rampage?
You really think that's a good idea?
...and, wow, how you holding up?
- And have you ever told him that?
- What, are you kidding? No.
I thought Krieger was a German name.
- "Aha" what?
- It's Austin, duh.
Me too. It was my fifth best feature.
- But, uh, it's not good, huh?
- No, dear.
- Pretty sure the Nazis had scientists.
- No, they didn't.
Because between the cancer
and the chemo...
And do it badass like I would...
Speaking of hurt, boy,
you're stepping into a great big world of it.
Because ain't nothing in the world
can make me talk.
- She's not gay, she just has big hands.
your cancer-patient-killing boss?
What are you doing? Delaney's not here.
Regis. I wake up early every morning
and watch Regis.
- What? Oh.
A walk? Is that some sort of a joke?
What? That's like comparing apples
to Nazi oranges.
But, Cyril, I know all
about Dr. Krieger's origins.
Yeah, Cy... Wait, what?
The day my pet Dobermans
accidentally ate my father.
...I promise you,
I will shoot your fat Irish faces off...
Damn it, that is classic him.
Pretty much, yeah.
Aired 8 years ago - Mar 17, 2011
Breast cancer strikes the Archer family---Sterling has it. "I'm trying to stay positive," he says. "I can beat this." But before surgery, he wants to bond with young Seamus (even though he isn't actually the baby's father) and take a Las Vegas vacation.
that I might have breast cancer,
he'd be devastated.
A what? What are you...
Because no one is to speak of this,
ever, and especially not to... Sterling!
I'm okay I'm okay,
I'm good! I'm good...
You'd think he was a half fainting goat.
I'll know for sure after I get
the results of her diagnostic exam, but...
I didn't have breakfast.
Or perhaps the lead container I
probably should've left it in?
Yeah, and is it...
I wanna say Peggy?
Yeah that's breast cancer.
but it's not, ya know, obviously
not as good as no cancer.
I go in for surgery next week, and
they'll try to cut it all out...
I have to be positive.
So is me paying you
child support, Trinette,
Was getting all the attention?
I know, I'm not
normally a tattoo guy, but...
Costs more than
that, I bet to buy acid, Trinette.
Oh, and smoothies, and... and why
are you dressed like a tout?
And we've always dreamed of
someday going to Las Vegas together,
- Oh, well...
- I'm serious, you know,
two, and... Brett!
Oh you gotta go, it's amaze...
zing I hear, but I've never been.
Well, you do the best you can.
Yeah, gimme another belt.
B-but what if I dooon't?
- I seriously might though.
- Ugh, you're gonna be fine.
- Did I mention I have cancer?
No wait, we should talk about...
whatever's in this IV, which I love...
I've been here since six!
Ha ha ha!
- No I wanna be here, in case he...
Ha ha ha!
What about Sterling? ! Ass!
is that why you didn't even
So, the thing is...
here's the thing.
You may want to...
hold off on that?
Well it's not good,
Sterling, there's radiation
treatment, there's chemotherapy, there's...
Oh my God listen, I'm gonna
clear up this Vegas thing!
Lana, I want you to know that
what I said last... Woodhouse,
Aired 8 years ago - Mar 10, 2011
On Malory's orders, Lana helps Hollywood star Rona Thorne (voice of Rachael Harris) research her role in a spy thriller while Malory writes a role for herself in the movie (with Cyril's reluctant assistance). Meanwhile, Pam steals Rona's diary.
"Woman's perspective". I mean...
- Well played, sir.
- Thank you.
- Ha, ha, you're kidding.
- And just what exactly is so funny?
"If you like puzzles,
I may have a job for you."
Guess that Tunisian guy
would still be alive.
But not Martin, something like Steele,
because she's a very strong woman who...
Ha, ha. Oh, my God, that is amazing!
Oh, my God, if I, like...
- Excuse me?
- You're rigid and stiff...
But, hey, speaking of your body
and my body and stiffness...
...which is why, please don't hate me,
you're teeming with insecurities.
Hey, where's my journal?
Oh, come on. Haven't you ever snooped
on somebody you thought was dreamy?
He said it was in a coconut.
- I'm sorry?
- I said, "Come in here, I need your help."
Oh. "Cut to Malory Steele, the 50ish
and incredibly sexy CIA director..."
- That's where you come in.
- Bad writing.
Yeah, but racist overtones aside,
it really limits your casting options.
...not the embodiment of sexy,
empowered womanhood that you've become.
- Ooh. What should we call it?
- Dick Sledge.
I was invisible. He wouldn't even
sign my cast when I broke my own arm.
Because he totally snuck up on me.
- Holy shit snacks.
- Yeah. They said he could've gone pro.
...that this guy...
Who, also, cannot be named Cassius.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. Mawp.
But I'm under a lot of stress.
Hey, who am I, Kissinger? Broad strokes.
Oh, come on, I just wanna see
if me and her have stuff in common, like...
...you forget it's in there.
Now, beat it. I'm on a mission.
The forbidden love between Malory
and Cassius is central to the plot.
But even though it's super-dangerous,
I'm preventing World War III, so...
...from assassinating the Soviet premier
as he enters the UN.
- If your aunt had balls, she'd be your uncle.
Which is why shut up because I and Rona,
am and are taking the mission.
But we're, like, keeping the world free
Look, I took this call
as a courtesy to Rona, okay?
Anybody doing a Mandingo sequel?
When can you get me a treatment?
- Oh, yes. Take me.
- Mm, mm.
You swallow it over, three days
and you start to, you know, pass it...
Oh, yeah? While you're tangled up
in a half-mile of shit-covered tape?
That's not all.
If you order now, you'll also receive...
What voice is that? Is that from Bullwinkle?
Oh, my God, I can see my penthouse.
I just this second realized
why you do macramé instead of knitting.
- Give me. Give me it.
- What the shit?
Aired 8 years ago - Mar 03, 2011
Cyril agrees to help George Spelvin inject a virus into the ISIS mainframe so Cyril can defeat the virus and be seen as a hero.
You're the one who stuffed
four pool balls in it.
Yeah, the last thing I remember was...
I don't know, were we super-bitchy to Cyril?
Right after you idiots de-worm
the entire computer network!
At not sucking at stuff.
I snuck into the mainframe last night,
after all the champagne and the, uh...
be the hero for once,
that didn't happen.
Oh good, for a second I thought they'd
brought you chicken toes or something.
Too good, that's the problem.
Not from this!
It's just a cute little pirate.
- Wow... No, I mean, as long as it's for
the greater good... - Oh, it is.
Because now the worm is in the mainframe
Pam, I swear to God...!
here to Hanoi that they
are secret agents!
Because the worm has transformed
the mainframe... into a sentient being!
Sesame Ginger Savings and Loan?
Was. But it mutated, and now we're
like, on the brink of World War Two.
So what am I supposed to do,
just look out the window?!
Oh please, he couldn't fix...
For the love of God, man!
Ya gonna disappoint it to death?
Oh yeah, just like Cyril Figgis
always does everything wrong,
him to legally marry her!
The worm's decrypting the ISIS
agent list and then, apparently,
behind this foul deed - every ISIS
agent in the field will be exposed.
right here Like, one second ago.
Once my little worm uploads
the list to my server.
You'd still be about
three zeros short.
Or maybe your father, who never
thought you quite measured up!
No, it could take hours for this
thing to bypass the electronic lock!
And just for once, be
the guy who... oww!
- But I already spent like, three thousand
on new suits, and shoes and... - Mine.
I am unbelievably
angry right now.
Are there windows, do they face west,
can we use the sun to our advantage?!
Don't open it!
Well, you say that...
Dammit, the worm's got the list!
Which are um, real.
Because I don't even know
if that's a real thing!
Ninjas are sexy!
Do you hear this?!
Any time now, Cyril!
D-drop it, Spelvin!
Then go ahead, Cyril... shoot!
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 24, 2011
When members of Woodhouse's famed WWI Royal Flying Corps squadron start dying mysteriously, Archer tries to track down the killer.
- Thank God you're all right, sir.
- God and my twin Vickers, Woodhouse.
See you've already bagged yours.
- The tontine.
...and the last survivor
collects the capital and interest.
What? Nobody is getting killed over
however much that is in real money.
Here. God. Baby.
Well, now that's Stilton's been killed,
it's just me, Scripes, and...
None of my business.
Consenting adults and so on.
- ...in Secaucus, New Jersey.
We'll turn this fruity flat
into a killing field.
So, sir, perhaps your mother
could look after the wee baby Seamus?
- No, because...
- That's what I always did.
Oh, what the hell? Hello?
Serves you right, shooting blind like that.
You could've killed me.
He's got it tough enough as it is.
Did somebody trick you? Hmm?
It's not... Cyril,
can you explain compound interest to her?
Yeah. Yeah, count me in.
I don't know, sir.
Scripes was the toughest man in the squadron.
And if you won't tell him, Woodhouse,
I bloody well shall.
And he was looking at me...
My God, I can still see him smile.
...and now it seems his chickens
have come home to roost. Bawk, bawk.
And there I found him, in the words
of Henley, "bloodied but unbowed".
- Now, let me just light that for you.
- He must have had 50 of them.
Then I sort of washed up in Tangiers...
So I could really, really use a drink.
Oh, I can't breathe.
I know you're not supposed to have them
on a greasy bar. In Tangiers.
He also saved my life. And yours.
Here, Miss, for the baby.
No. A little too gay, but...
But you won't have him
to kick around forever...
Wait, why did you have an eye patch?
- Cyril, what?
- Noth... Oh!
You'll never take us alive, Scripes.
Bloody should be. Almost killed me.
Gloucester fell off the roof
mucking about with the aerial.
Always looking for something sturdy
to loop his Sam Browne over?
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 17, 2011
Archer and Lana head to Louisiana to stop an ecoterrorist from blowing up a natural-gas pipeline. (Archer’s also looking forward to a Big Easy vacation.) Back at ISIS headquarters, Mallory orders the staff to go green to get “freebie socialist tax credits.” A flashback recalls Lana’s introduction to ISIS.
It's a pipe inspection
gauge, for cleaning the pipeline.
Cause I'm not sure
if I'll like it.
- Big money.
lean and green.
- protect that pipeline...
- Which I'm only doing for the wetlands...
Shoulda called first...
Cause dat's the only airboat
Cause I've waited my entire life
to say this exact phrase...
One for each cat, duh!
Can't hear you, I'm too happy!
I am not... gonna blow...
No no, by all means,
let me do it...
Yeah, back then Hollywood was
pretty weird about the whole race
Tell all this wildlife
you're sorry when the pipeline
Yeah, right after
I set up the grill.
Loot at me,
chopping ice for a Tom Collins
God knows what kinda parasites
are swimming around in it.
What the [BEEP] shit is this?
C'mon, this is a very
I'm not radical.
And how and why is that funny?
No, I'm pretty
sure it was shut up.
- I mean, maybe...
- Great, so maybe he's wounded.
Yeah, it's not ideal.
- It's free-form, you come up with a lot
of ideas... - Yeah, like using the
also known as dry ice, of
which we have plenty...
Well, we got plenty of water.
Ruth Baker, age 39,
And so... you've memorized
every fatal alligator attack?
God, will ya
just... it's crocodiles!
What does a brain aneurysm have
to do with walking around in a swamp?!
I guess you can if you want.
How could you even say that?!
- I think your biggest fear is intimacy...
Oh I'm sorry, I
forgot to time it!
You know why.
Now behold the horror
you have wrought!
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 10, 2011
When Archer's favorite call girl suddenly arrives for a visit, Archer is shocked to learn that she claims her new baby boy was fathered by him. She obtains a court order that forces him to take a paternity test in hopes of proving her claim.
Nothing. Hundred-to-one he's mine.
Ouch. I mean that's gotta hurt, huh?
One, I don't need a baby
to validate my existence.
Well, I'm sorry, Lana,
but I didn't invent the childproof pill bottle.
Oh, he'll hate that. I wanna come.
And said test will, obviously,
be administered by a third party, so...
...given your agency's, uh...
- How's it hanging, buddy?
- Hanging great, Barry. How's the leg?
- What the...? Hey!
- What the hell is this?
...which should prevent his attempting
to compromise the test.
I don't know why I told you where.
It doesn't matter.
...along with a blood sample
from the wee baby Seamus...
I seriously don't feel good at all.
How could I show my face
around town if...?
...and replace your blood
with someone else's.
Ugh. I think I could use a drink.
- Oh, you guys are so sweet.
- I made that.
Here, it's some plastic dry cleaner bags.
Oh, and a book about SIDS.
Well, I don't care to be judged
by a couple of lousy hooker-baby havers.
...you're gonna get all boohooey
and ask me to pump a baby in you.
Alcohol tends to exacerbate
an underlying personality disorder.
I don't know, sometimes I think, you know,
I'd like to adopt a little baby.
- Come on, Ray.
- Sploosh. Called it three drinks ago.
Oh, and here's to child support.
Hey, I just ran all the way to the drugstore
a liter low on blood...
After that scrape I got you out of?
I didn't have a sip of water
the entire time I was down there.
- Cyril, you are...
- Preaching to the choir, buddy.
- Prancing around in their stirrup pants.
- What are you doing to me?
- Shut up.
God, how are you even still alive?
Holy shit, how am I still alive?
...for the bastard child
you humped into a filthy whore.
"Hey, where did you get your turtleneck?
The turtleneck store?"
...because I'm kind of drunk for this.
Oh, shit. Nuts.
- Oh, yeah? Yeah?
- Yeah. Yeah.
So shut up and help me find the nutmeg,
and I'll make you some Malcolm X tea.
- It wasn't exactly planned, Lana.
- Okay, shut up, but...
Why are you and Mother in my room,
going through my things?
Cannot picture him as a baby.
- I was trying to get him off, buttinsky.
His first smoking jacket.
- And why are you calling me right now?
- I had to, before it's too late.
- And yes, maybe I've had a few.
Sterling, no one's ever sure
they're ready for a child.
Was it when I wanted cornrows? No.
- They only took a bit of blood.
- Quit being such a baby.
- ...out of sight of ODIN personnel.
- We get it. Let's move on, Barry.
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 03, 2011
After Malory is wiped out in a Ponzi scheme, she hatches a scheme of her own: selling ISIS - lock, stock and snack machines - to archrival spy agency ODIN. Archer and the rest of the ISIS employees, rightfully fearing for their jobs, must use every trick in the book (ISIS Field Manual, 3rd Edition) to try to stop the sale.
CHERYL/CAROL Or whom...
- So I'd be like, like the...
- Regional director for the Americas.
And also mine. Yes.
My plan, is to
crowdsource a plan!
And speaking of, kiddo, hope you're
gonna welcome me into your family.
- Holy shitsnacks...
- Is Trexler buying ISIS
She does have a point,
though Not the... m-i-l-f part!
- Well that explains a lot...
- I thought those
- I lied, I didn't wire it.
- Okay, yeah that's...
- But sounds like
Will you shut up?
Ugh... there's not enough liquor
and therapy in the world to undo that.
Your new... oh my God,
ODIN's making you the new boss?
Speaking of mess, you traitor,
your stupid birdbot is leaking.
The sale isn't
final yet, Barry.
Yes it is, Other Barry, yes it is.
named this bunny.
Oh. Yeah, maybe.
You really do, don't you?
how you like it, huh?
- As we speak.
- So us hooking up is still, um...
- A perquisite for the job, yeah.
Ray you lure Lana into the
mainframe, Carol you lure Barry...
That was a pretty weird time for me.
You're about to do brain surgery!
Not even the other kind.
I guess you
must be the infamous "Barry"
We're buying this place.
I think I'm
gonna miss you so much!
It all feels so... dirty.
So guess that worked, huh?
- And once you countersign...
- We can set sail for romance!
No, it's beautiful!
Yeah, so listen, about the job, and this...
I don't think I can do it.
of a lounge, Morris chairs,
that kinda stuff...
Okay, he's out.
How's Krieger doing?
Look this sale
is gonna happen.
- Okay now, uh... wow, that feels good...
- Uh, uh, what do I do, what do I...
- Just hit tab!
Uh, can we
give Lenny the rabbit?
Aired 8 years ago - Jan 27, 2011
In yet another attempt to secure funding for ISIS, Malory drags her agents to the luxury winter resort town of Gstaad to protect a Swiss billionaire's daughter from a kidnapping threat. But Archer soon finds out the real threat is his protectee: an underage nymphomaniac who will stop at nothing to bed the world’s greatest spy.
Yeah, and if money's so damn tight,
why is she even here?
What kind of limit is that?
- Let's hope not.
- ...you must protect mein princess.
Surely El Frente does not frighten
the famous Sterling Archer.
- Come on.
- And the rest of you, get to work.
- What what? Didn't you see that?
- I saw you totally eye-bang a teenager.
Don't smell it.
Your twin brother.
- So we go with my plan.
- Your plan stinks more than that cheese.
Countess von Fingerbang.
In many ways, yes,
but we can talk about that in bed.
Holy shit. Did you see that?
So they're not pikemen.
Wait, Anka, tell your father what happened.
And yet here you stand...
Yeah, the entire hotel's talking
about your little shaving accident.
And as luck has it,
there is some chilling in mein suite.
Meaning I set one on fire?
- Should I kiss it and make it better?
- No, you should get away from me.
Now, raus, you mouse.
Get ready for our ski lesson.
Yeah, which is last.
Now I must call headquarters
All these idiots think about is sex.
...who's got a jillion guests coming
to her birthday party tomorrow.
Holy shit. Lana, look.
That's the kidnapper I set on fire.
And if you don't believe me, fine.
Going against an unknown number
of radical terrorists...
Not without my glasses. I was hoping
you could read this to me...
Then you don't get to squirt
that hot white cream all over your face.
Right after I freeze to death.
Do you think I need a boob job?
I mean, I'm sure I've been
in worse situations.
Immigrants. Cramming their lowriders
full of free health care and snow.
Yeah, all four minutes of it.
Okay, I need you to do exactly
what I tell you when I tell you without...
Hey, that's right in my ear, so...
You want lies? Wait until I tell everyone
you seduced me.
...the Lars Larsen Snowmobiling Experience?
You gotta twist it, like this.
Grip it hard as you can
and twist the absolute shit out of it.