Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt

Kimmy is stuck in Durnsville. Jaqueline gets back in touch with her roots when she and Lillian drive to Indiana to find Kimmy.

I trusted you, TV.

You went viral.

"Grateful cat marries hero cop."

Call me crazy, but I thought this was a party.

like you ruined the last...

I can drive wherever I want.

I'll make us breakfast.

And this house is not helping.

Yeah.

Owls are smart and can fly!

I learned English, like, two years in.

in an ocean of white girl bull...

he's actually a super gay Persian guy.

I want a car, like an American kid.

Excuse me, I have to take this.

There's another thing I've been meaning to ask.

Destination: mistress's apartment.

Maybe when you were a kid, old man.

"Kimmy found a rat in the air filter today.

I'm getting us the fudge out of here.

Aw, jeez.

Today is a good day to die, band nerds.

Nope, I am not gonna help you.

You're welcome.

and the Reverend still goes free,

Randy.

Please tell me you've got something on the Reverend,

Because I never did.

It's okay.

and I want to be the next... your apprentice.

at 6:66 p.m.

Because it was gonna be an awesome season.

He really had me fooled.

In the Lakota tradition, the wolf represents family.

Kimmy and Titus go back to Durnsville, Indiana so Kimmy can testify against the Reverend Wayne, but the trip doesn't go very well.

Do you have a minute to talk about the environment?

but that is an ugly thing to say.

Breaking news: I'm here with the roommate

♪ For the red, white, and blue ♪

Not having a vitamin D deficiency

[applause]

Compare coverage!

Your honor, the defense rests.

The Big Apple.

And why were you so heck-bent on not returning to Durnsville?

to get your coffee at Diane's Cafe.

named after our magnificent founder, Zachary Ville.

from our beloved town.

and maybe the firehouse could have finally gotten a pole

all of you would be rich right now.

and you get the horns.

everyone paying you attention.

And my dentist tracked me down.

about what a half hour means.

we'll have a big laugh at my expense,

especially since you cured her Hulkamania.

That's what I just said.

You were supposed to be the strong one.

Why is this real? We on the radio!

I blew it.

by telling people the moon is Puerto Rican.

And then I'm gonna talk to the front desk

like you ruin everything?

Cyndee, I know you thought

where it's fun.

I'll let you do stuff to me!

This one only shoots gum tape.

back when I was doing heroin.

Right.

Kimmy, this isn't the way to the pantry.

I'll be right back, Mole Ladies!

So we're scheduled to go on in about three minutes,

♪ Soaring on the wings of my dreams ♪

We've having a little trouble with the audio.

No, no, no, no.

Titus can't stop watching the trial of Kimmy's charismatic kidnapper on the Internet, while Kimmy turns to exercise to avoid testifying.

Finally.

which 90210 character he is.

and there were two sets of footprints in the sand,

My cheating ex-husband, De Blasio's war on the rich,

In Vietnam, it stopped a bullet.

Mr. Foreman, can you read

is trying to save these girls from the end of days.

I didn't think about anything else.

Um...

He didn't kidnap us. He saved us.

I think you might have me confused with someone else.

what the heck they're doing!

is for me and you

Whoo!

Yes, it's beautiful.

And unclip, ladies.

You don't tell me what Tristafé says.

that you forgot your place and yelled at a first-row bike.

The only thing I have to do is follow my bliss.

That has nothing to do with this.

A beard?

I'm there!

___

♪ A long, long time ago ♪

It came to me while I was watching Sesame Street.

getting ready for the Rapture.

The signs are all around you if you just open your eyes.

Woman shall lie with beast.

The sulfur smell is 'cause I'm doing a hard-boiled egg cleanse.

I'm not talking about the Reverend.

I just can't unclip my shoes.

You, with your iron will?

So... I'm coming with you.

Thanks, Titus.

from the Rain Man soundtrack.

Kimmy is torn between two guys and trying not to act like a fool. Titus finds a different kind of acting coach.

and he doesn't have to clean the ladies' room.

your attention please.

Am I mad? Am I mad?!

Well, don't cry.

grown-up relationships are complicated,

thanks to Le Loup.

Nice compliment, Xan.

How are your BMs?

especially around the quintuplets.

I hope you like squash.

We're gonna make my mom refuse

I can't work with you.

in behaving like a straight man.

[Italian accent] This is-a how you talka the British.

If you time it right, it's very cozy.

with the pregnant raccoon who lives in there.

Like how it's so weird that people

that Logan is my boyfriend,

Okay. Sure.

they're listening.

Xanthippe Lannister Voorhees,

is coming by with rum.

Sure.

I can't pretend I don't have feelings for you anymore.

Hey! Messy Marvins!

I get to stay in Manhattan.

Well, you know that I've never, like, had a boyfriend.

"Yo, if her face is half as good as her ass,

Yeah, horn dog, I do.

There is no Entourage 2 audition.

"If you still love me, come over right now

That explains why you spelled "Xanthippe" wrong.

Jay Z is at my house, but he's really busy.

I'm, like, seeing colors.

"Man, this nerd is lame."

That's...

What are you talking about?

Oh, really?

You can't go,

You mean a line?

Kimmy's 30th birthday party isn't quite the fun celebration of adulthood she wants it to be.

Boy, I envy you.

And she had another daughter.

of putting behind me.

I just wanted to bring you your birthday present in person.

This is a fresh start.

I tell everybody, "Hands off! Kimmy's a good kid.

Oh, and FYI, they're coming out with a new iPhone today,

That's boyfriend stuff.

Hello, pretty monster.

Yes, you can. You have to.

You were wrong about boyfriends showing up early.

I'm so sorry.

And the smell.

Can you not tell house from electronicon?

messing up your fun party and everything.

Okay, so we both got ice.

As if.

Well, I got ice.

while we're studying.

Yes. Something sad.

Ow! Why?

I'll be like, "Stupid pedestrians!"

Oh, I'm so sorry if me being trapped in a bunker

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

If you don't come out, I'm gonna have to do it.

Stop talking, Titus, you're ruining this for me.

You're still 17 years away from your sexual peak.

This is my birthday, dagnabbit!

What if some wacko stabbed me with a hypodermic needle

Certainly not.

Your experiences are not universal.

Course I'm not.

I was on my prep school's shadow-boxing team.

Thank you so much for coming. Thank you.

My birthday was a disaster.

Tell me about it.

Here's my song...

Oh, no.

Baby, you're a firework

- It's "fireworks." - Hmm.

I let that stupid sign language-talking gorilla

- I'm so sorry, Titus. - That's okay.

Like we've made a really meaningful connection.

Kimmy studies for her math GED exam with her classmate Dong, while Jaqueline changes her mind about getting divorced.

Girl, didn't you just hear me say "libbary"?

Well, there goes the neighborhood,

So Julian agrees to cede primary custody,

"stick it wherever."

Look, the only thing that matters is your freedom.

I don't think so, but who knows?

Dong!

Street girl? Hey!

- How... cheap... is he? - Very.

Like when people yell out, "food's here!"

What is wrong with you?

So if you could do it for me while I watch,

Look, I'm happy to come over here whenever you want,

Actually, great news: we're not.

- Mrs. Voorhees - I've made my decision, Kimmy.

Walking around New York dressed like a werewolf

a little General Tso's Revenge?

I'm quite serious. It's awful."

César spends his last $30 on Powerball tickets.

Oh, that's okay. I gave up on that idea.

Well, sorry to drop in unannounced,

I... I can't do this.

Italy? I was in Naples, Florida.

For every year we were married.

Yeah, thank you, honey.

I'm sorry. I'm having a bad day.

And all of my favorite scenes

Nah, I'll give you two lovebirds a break.

You're coming with me right now.

I know, I'll go upstairs.

And this is for what you crackers did to Tribeca.

and no one mistook me for Samuel L. Jackson all day.

so 100 minus 43, take the 1 from the zero...

It's people, men, women, and worstest.

where P equals 6 million...

It's not really about the money.

I need to tell you something.

by an insane preacher.

And tonight I'm going to dinner with a guy

And I'm saying this because I want to:

I'm here purely on food business.

so someday men will look up to me and say, "Nice teeth.

From hanging out with you, Kimmy.

Jaqueline asks Kimmy to help her plan a dinner party where Jaqueline can confirm if her husband, Julian, is cheating on her.

It's all about that bass.

You're dead, and you wasted your time on Earth.

Do you think I'm paranoid?

No, no, I mean your women's intuition.

Hmm.

[ATM whirring]

[Yuko] I have been working on

I'll invite Julian's colleagues,

Special like that t-shirt I got at the mall opening?

Titus, do you know any old white people songs?

Kimmy, I have sung for alcohol and for pizza

I must make you over.

What?

[humming The Battle Hymn of the Republic]

And then after dinner, when they stand up

What was that about my hair?

Fancy Manhattanoes?

'cause I keep my watch set to Bermuda time.

Last time I saw one of those was in an X-ray.

Kimmy, I'm adding a seat for you at the table.

[belting] ♪ Let it go ♪

Of course, yeah.

I know.

[glass clinking]

With her? Over Jacqueline?

to YUKO 3000.

I love all of you.

♪ I'm YUKO ♪

Oh, I'm sorry. I can't.

And I'm guessing your last name

[solemn orchestral music]

Mr. Voorhees requested a late-night snack.

drinking cayenne weight loss water

What have I done?

What are you doing, friends?

Go... now.

[screams]

I'm a producer of dining experiences.

like monsterella sticks and scary wine.

I now understand anger.

Did Xan tell you that?

Kimmy's GED class isn't as educational as she'd hoped. Lillian helps Titus shoot a music video in Jaqueline's house.

All right, what do I got this time?

No. Thank you for asking.

No wonder no one's in there.

Look, my teaching style may be unconventional, but...

Another? Honey, we just got the one,

sits backwards in a chair and raps Shakespeare,

If you want to lodge a complaint...

- ♪ Pinot Noir, tiki bar ♪ - Oh, Jesus, bats!

but I don't want to get him fired.

Wound up walking the streets selling drugs.

On Martin Luther King's birthday?

Kimmy, have you heard of the term "quid prom quote"?

Oh, they'll never even know we were there.

I promised myself if I ever got in here,

Ah.

Eight Ball, it's me.

"BTW, lollipop, snowman, toilet, mailbox, ghost."

I am a handyman...

[high-pitched voice] Damn, girl!

I was just thinking about our conversation earlier.

Nothing I do is gonna make a difference.

"Off to Winston Zeddemore High,

You got so big.

the time of day when actors photograph best,

Titus, I should never have left...

Wait, wait. Kimmy let you in?

it's bye-bye Little Dorkphan Annie.

available exclusively at Hess gas stations.

No, no, no, this is Titus. DeTante moved back to Atlanta.

because of me.

Oh, really?

I can't believe I tried to keep you from getting fired.

to this.

It takes years.

'Cause he'll probably replace me

Konnichiwa.

I see now that he's holding a tennis racket.

I never formed an opinion about them.

So let's start at the Dollywood gift shop.

- Let's get out of here! - Ooh!

And red hair, brown eyes?

By the way, I counted 12 bathrooms in your house.

Well, then I guess there's only one thing left to do.

If we've learned anything in this class,

Kimmy's bunker-mate Cyndee visits New York with her new boyfriend, Brandon, whom Titus promptly outs. Charles makes his move with Kimmy.

It's too bad, because I was gonna kind of

- Let go, mister! - You leave her alone!

This one does not pack light. [laughs]

[sighs] Wow.

Brandon got a matching one for our one-month anniversary,

- [gasps delightedly] - This is boring!

Well, I wanted to let you two catch up,

There have been rumors in Ohio.

Titus! When are us guys going to talk about cars?

- "Coors." - Stop it.

The wheels are already in motion.

I like, uh, NASCAR and fishing,

What? No.

Oh, no, I forgot to get someone to cover for me while I'm here.

Oh, I like hairless guys with a little bit of...

Lillian, I'm planning a seduction.

Or however long Kenny Loggins' Footloose is.

You're lying to my friend.

We're never going to get out of this stupid bunker.

Okay.

The gals are outside talking to your landlord.

[whispers] No, he is. He told me.

I've been in that bath for hours.

Hitler was a vegetarian.

What's that Stanley Donen movie with, uh,

Like, relationship-wise?

Hey, Cyndee, we're friends no matter what, right?

Okay, I just want you to be happy, so...

Oh, my gosh, Cyndee, unicorns aren't...

Because! He's what I've wanted for 15 years.

Are you?

and we're going to live a beautiful fake life together!

So let's get matching tattoos.

Did you get any ammo from those corpses?

Okay, cool, look, why don't you draw their fire?

Me, too... I was trying to have fun,

Troll the respawn, Jeremy.

So... you want to go out for a drink sometime?

Kimmy has an eye-opening experience when Jaqueline introduces her to her plastic surgeon. Titus auditions for a Spider-Man musical.

Aah!

I've been doing that my whole life.

can squeeze me in today?

Just take a selfie and email it to me.

And squeeze in your arm to push up your cleavage.

and say, "I'm not really here. I'm not really here."

[gasps] Oh, God. Why?

Gravity and floors.

I could actually get a part on Broadway.

Listen, Kimmy,

As soon as you see the light, you hand me the next costume,

This is impossible.

I guess I just was never one of those girls

Ugh, now I can't stop looking at these lines here.

Dr. Franff is the best plastic surgeon in Manhattan.

[laughs]

You missed my performance as the guy who, at the end,

Titus, if you're in this line, you don't have an agent.

[sighs]

Jacqueline, you look fantastic.

Well, we can do a toenail re-sizing.

Who's this?

Because you have very distinct scream lines.

Who am I? Pamela Lee?

Oh, Kimmy, I'm so excited for you.

What? I didn't do anything? Got some sun but...

Know how that expression originated?

Called Alabama!

- And guess who got the part? - You?

It isn't good to hold on to things like that.

I like you, Titus. We represent Myron Affleck.

No, I'm not. You've never seen me.

You are crushing it, Joshie!

♪ And I will crush that Spiderman ♪

Let's try you in the flying rig, guy.

Look, there they are.

Now, Kimmy, I want you to count backwards from ten.

Kimmy, dear, I need you to be still.

[electricity crackles] [groaning]

We're just covering up our problems.

You'll have to speak up, dear.

Yes, you are.

He won't take my calls.

Amazing.

Kimmy and Jaqueline try to hide their pasts, while Titus lies to Lillian about money so he can spend it on headshots for his future.

- We owned people. - We still do, honey.

Why can't our fashion magazines be enough for you?

It's 1992.

to 1992's sexiest man alive, Nick Nolte.

[door opens, closes]

Yes, yes, yes. [kissing]

Well, I had a cell phone, Xan,

Wow. Is this a Macintosh?

Ohio.

[mouths words]

All of my cats are piling up in one corner.

is because I'm going...

That's messed up.

Oh, well, of course you're looking for someone to talk to.

or one of those off-brand Kennedys.

Um, I'm not sure I'm ready for a "date" date.

I didn't know you had an elderly Korean friend.

Son Hae Sop.

Now I'm meeting some boy at a restaurant.

No.

♪ All through the night ♪

♪ Till you tell me to ♪

Ah, Rexy. Here you go!

She had no idea. Shh, shh, shh.

from my mother's purse.

When we got to Dusseldorf, they made us shoot

He's a hack.

I'm actually succeeding here.

Yeah, well, some of the things you taught me were dumb,

So you two hit it off?

Oh, Charles, you're gonna have to take Buckley

Why am I rubber and you're glue?

to figuring out what your deal is.

Or deep down, does it just make you bitter and angry?

This soup is freezing!

How do you know about that?

when I see one.

fifth, the Iron Horse, Lou Gehrig,

he punched Blake Lively because she said "gesundheit."

[laughing]

Hoarding newspapers is weird.

When I win my Tony Award, you'll be the first person I...

Oh.

[doorman] Sir? Mr. Belden, this way.

You have? I didn't feel it.

Kimmy has to throw an acceptable kids' birthday party to keep her new job with the filthy rich Voorhees family.

I mean, rent is one thing, but I need new head shots,

Okay.

[scoffs]

so I know lots of ways to make people throw up.

Jacqueline? I'm her stepdaughter.

can you go?

which is to say, I did not touch it.

Are her friends with her? They're so mean and cool.

Being a stepmom isn't easy.

What is all this?

- This? - Oh, my God.

Okay. So I should spend...

Hey! Jackass!

after she tucks us into the bed we all share.

[sighs]

I'll be back in, like, an hour. God.

It's okay, Kimmy.

out of our dreams.

But she's right, Dale. You're not Cookie Monster.

Hey, Super Buckley.

I don't know. Surfing, swimsuits...

[cheerily] One, two, three, four,

♪ Take it ten seconds at a time ♪

and it was so romantic.

So is Mr. Voorhees on his way?

from a skiing accident,

Well, I met this surfer,

They're an Aloha Cat and a Treat Creature.

Look around you.

He's my husband.

You don't understand. I can't do it.

Rich New Yorkers are the worst.

I mean, people like that need serious help.

But I already did something today.

Yeah, Thrash. When did I...

Number 12, colon, Dawn and the Surfer Ghost.

a lie taken from a book for middle schoolers.

What kind of 29-year-old woman wears light-up Skechers?

and Buckley is downstairs having the best birthday of his life.

Kimmy, I think my marriage is falling apart.

You know, who among us is a perfect foot slut?

Imprisoned by a cult leader as a teenager, Midwesterner Kimmy is freed after 15 years. The first thing she decides to do is move to New York.

and yet you still never learned to speak English.

get my braces off.

I'm staying here. Kimmy, that's crazy.

- It's Lillian, dear. - [Titus] Oh.

- Okay, so sue me. - Lillian, I'm a model tenant!

- or two recent pay stumps? - No and no.

'cause the Crips'll think you're in the Banana Boys.

And I'm interested in any employment opportunities

Thank God. Are you the dog masseuse?

I do.

- I'm awesome at it. - Fantastic.

Tomorrow real movers come, Titus, and evict you.

Oh, you have decided, have you?

[gasps] A window. My own window!

Where's the rest of your stuff?

Say no more.

And, of course, there's a one-month security deposit.

So what do you want to do tonight?

Whoo! Things are behind in Indiana.

Hey, do you want to party with us?

- Yeah. I'm gonna go get us drinks. - Okay.

What the fudge? My backpack.

Has baseball changed?

I am one of the Indiana Mole Women.

My name is Ronald Wilkerson.

Showed my teeth when I smiled, just like you.

I have not sung in public in three years.

Yes, there was weird sex stuff in the bunker.

But you will be evicted.

Ugh! Gosh dang it.

to my good friend God earlier.

Reverend Richard?