Aired 8 years ago - May 18, 2016
Exhausted from a stressful day at work, Dre falls asleep watching a "Good Times" marathon and dreams of himself and his family as being characters in the series.
Like "Antique Road Show" old.
but she is asleep.
Mm-hmm. I agree.
Mmm, smells good, Grandma.
Isn't that ex... violent?
Yeah, but this is
Advanced Summer Wizardry.
Get cozy for an all-night marathon
That ain't news.
Man.
This thing is 26%
accurate 65% of the time.
Hey, Mrs. Evans. Hey, Michael.
Julio and his cousin Julio
Yeah, but not in these
United States of America.
Would've lost my big toe had
the sugar not already taken it.
Once you finish college,
Oh. Thank you, Mrs. Evans.
I got me a hot blind date
with a fine young tender.
Julio told me that Julio
and Julio stole your job.
I thought Bookman fixed it.
Apparently, Bookman fixed the dryer.
No, it's a test to see
if you are pregnant.
Why have thou forsaken me?
Did you even consider the cost?
And with our luck, it'll
have Thelma's appetite...
to take care of Thelma
and the baby forever.
Ooh!
James, where you going?
It went really well, guys.
Sweet breakfast?
What are we celebrating?
One of these days, I'm
gonna have me a strawberry.
Hey, Dad, where you been?
That seems like the kind of thing
Canvasses, paintbrushes.
Th-They tell me I'll never play again.
Damn! Damn! Damn!
You remember this handsome
young man on his wedding day?
I want our kids to
have better than we did.
Y'all, I'm sorry I'm such a failure.
But the good news is, you
don't have to do it alone.
for Penny and her sister.
Aired 8 years ago - May 11, 2016
When the flu breaks out in the Johnson household, Dre desperately tries to avoid catching it, while taking care of the whole family.
And then Saturday
was the church crab boil.
for the pastor's legal-defense fund?
and it's gonna get me,
and it's gonna get us!
Oh, no, no, no, no. You know,
there's some stuff going around,
why I am so valuable to this company.
Let's get her done. Let's go!
Put some fish guts and vinegar
in an old mayonnaise jar.
of tiger-penis tea.
So, it's the fluid of
a fully aroused tiger.
I'm just gonna keep my kids
from making me sick.
I don't see Eustace often.
- from that old raggedy hospital.
- No.
I'm going to meet my maker.
Why?!
What are you doing?
Dre, I'm gonna need your
help with the kids.
- Maybe you just need a nap.
- Dre?
You're trying... You're
trying to make weight!
You two are the only ones with nausea.
- My back is killing me!
- Help!
Look, I just said I was right here.
- Can you?
- My nose. Can't breathe.
Mom!
- You're not Mom!
- I was a non-factor.
- I'm trying to sleep.
- And I'm trying to write my obituary.
you're gonna feed them,
and you're gonna comfort them.
Magenta filing cabinet.
Oh, you guys are still
a little feverish.
See? Look at that. No problem.
Just like that. Your turn.
Fine. Babies, let's go. Your turn.
And it should read,
"Survived by her son, Andre,
and wrestling legend Junkyard Dog."
The next day wasn't much better.
- I'm not a vampire!
- Okay.
I had to be Dr. Dre!
It is not from three years ago.
- For who?
- Midler.
Yeah, I just kind of filed it away
You know, nowadays,
with all the advances
Oh, don't say that, Ruby.
Come on. You started a family.
Yeah. Why would you undo
all the good that you've done?
Actually, it's quite common
in Japan, where it is known...
- This is amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
You know what? Now we have time
for a whole Bette Midler marathon.
Aired 8 years ago - May 04, 2016
Dre has always felt his older son was never like him, but when he finally meets Junior’s cool friends, Dre is all in and happy that his son may have the opportunity for an actual social life. Meanwhile, Bow is dealing with Ruby, Zoey, Jack and Diane
not confessing to things breaking around the house and decides to handle it her own way after some judgment from Vivian.
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Okay, okay, okay.
[Laughs] You're in pain.
- No...
- It's hideous glassware.
that a lot of things
get broken around here,
- ♪ Wasn't me ♪
- It wasn't you.
Well, none of my mom's
kids ever killed anybody...
The crew. The posse.
But... Boy, you never play
basketball in basketball shoes!
that you're able to go
to the Obama fundraiser?
I haven't asked my parents
how many houses they have.
to make eye contact
with me at the urinal,
What?
How much does a loaf of bread cost?
knew just the right
Indian village to go to
Did you see the documentary "The Toy"?
My God.
But I still need my confession.
and I will forgive you
as soon as I know who...
Me, neither.
Get out!
Who invites a 14-year-old
to fly on their private jet
I'll play it cool. [Gasps]
This is an amazing view.
[Scoffs]
All right, the sooner the better.
Anything?
for something that I didn't even do.
Don't let them get into our heads, okay?
So, does, uh... Now,
does Junior play golf?
Wes loves video games.
Uh, he has lots of options.
It... It... It's a... It's
a black-only polo club.
- Hmm.
- Aunt Jemima old black money.
The girls told me Jack did it.
Mm-hmm.
Dad, what are you talking about?
I saved your life.
No reason.
Well, now you're gonna
have to kill yourself.
and they had this fancy house
in this fancy neighborhood.
I suddenly became embarrassed
by where I was from.
Dumb, clumsy Jack.
See, look at that.
- [Clicks tongue]
- Let me break it down for you.
Aired 8 years ago - Apr 27, 2016
Dre's always strived to model his life after the idyllic families he grew up watching on TV, but he panics after he learns he could lose his job. Meanwhile, Bow tries to prove herself when she's put in charge of the school auction and enlists here kids' assistance instead of accepting the other moms' offers to help.
"Donut Worry, Be Coffee?"
Thank you so much for helping
me make these baskets beautiful!
Sometimes I give out empty gift cards
Oh, sweetie, she makes us all sad.
Huh.
What?
Probably didn't help, but
that job thing... Whoo!
I stole the money
on the gift card.
Because look at how
flipping gorgeous I am.
but to obey the adult
telling us to steal.
Just save it, okay?
Daphne's not even here.
to prove that I'm indispensable.
- What?
- It's just the market, okay?
Check this out.
We've got a last-minute package
to split a cheese plate with.
[Gasps] Oh!
I had a nightmare about this.
Anyway, this is going to
be the best auction yet!
I'm trying to protect my job, Pops.
You did not get laid off.
Pops, it's about more
than losing my job.
no-baby-mama-on-the-side-having,
full-tuition-paying family,
I got to represent.
what Clinton did in the Oval Office?
Son. You haven't failed.
I need to go, uh, tend
to my own herb garden.
From the "Rock Your Universe-al
Studios Tour" basket?
And you two have worked so hard.
[Lil Wayne's "Got Money" plays]
♪ Take it out your
pocket and show it ♪
By the time we're out of here,
I want everybody on our jocks.
E-Everyone else seemed to figure out
no one else would have
come up with that one.
Well, they can be.
[Imitates bugle]
Oh, I love killing!
Why would you think I'm stealing?
The thieves will sit in these chairs
were about to perceive my
black kids as black thieves,
and an edible arrangement
delivered to your door.
What are you talking about, Dre?
She gives us her all every day.
We're not gonna do anything.
- That's what you get!
- In your face!
Oh, you can see... see me?
At the glass-blowing class
I paid for with my own money.
a teeny-tiny district-wide
grand-larceny scandal,
♪
So what if I was?
Aired 8 years ago - Apr 13, 2016
Dre’s sister, Rhonda, is getting married to her girlfriend, Sharon, and the upcoming nuptials lead to a conversation on tradition. Dre finds out that Bow is against the patriarchal convention of taking the man’s last name, but he never knew this
because Bow’s maiden name is also Johnson. Meanwhile, Jack and Diane want to be the ring bearer and flower girl but worry they’ve aged out of the gigs, and Junior and Zoey prep Ruby to embrace her daughter’s relationship.
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- so this is idiotic.
- Mm-hmm.
And, in the divorce,
his pride, his pizza stone,
Not everyone's good
enough to be an Oppenhol.
only Oppenhols were good enough for us.
Exactly!
I think this is starting
to make you look like
I'm not saying I'm the greatest
ring bearer of all time,
- Ohh.
- Just face it, guys.
The last time you saw Sharon and Rhonda,
- Come on. Come on.
- No.
- Auntie Rhonda!
- Sharon!
Did she just call another woman "Mama?"
No bad, you know, until an innocent game
Listen, I don't like you
calling another woman "Mama."
You took my balls. Now
you must take my name.
You done turned into one of
these hairy-legged man-haters.
And I will fight up against
any custom or tradition
Rainbow, ain't nobody got time for that!
- And I chose civil rights!
- Mm.
I just believe that a family
should all have the same name.
It meant I was I was chosen.
Dre, my name is just as important.
- That is not what I meant.
- Oh.
That feels right to you?
Can it involve my food allergy?
like some random cousin or Junior.
Peep my new wedding suit.
And we're about to be family.
Okay, Mrs. Johnson.
Oh, are those lesbians? I had no idea.
Rhonda has come up with a great way
[Chuckles] Yes.
H-Hold on. Hold on.
- All right, we've had two presidents.
- Mm-hmm.
Are you really sure
Everybody, my wife cuckolded me.
- the same last name.
- It's not, though.
Here are the rules. Single elimination.
- ♪ And every time I step up
in the building ♪- [Groans]
♪ 'Cause all I do is win, win, win ♪
Yeah, I really don't care.
I just want you to win.
It's the risk of the sub-grip.
Ohh!
Put this here. Keep my grip.
[Chuckling] Yeah.
Aired 8 years ago - Apr 06, 2016
When Dre and Bow realize they don't have a legal guardian for their kids, they make it their mission to find replacement parents should anything happen to them. Meanwhile, Zoey and Junior reveal the truth to Jack about their old dog's death and other family secrets he naively accepted.
Sh-Should... Should we be worried?
I still have a brother and June Bug.
[Voice breaking] Have you seen my Pops?
Shame on me, fool me once, all that.
[Chips crunching]
- Hmm.
- Okay.
but hey, live and learn.
and I'm not sure dad didn't
throw him out of a moving car...
There's so much more.
- Davis: Hi, Zoey.
- and this damn thing isn't working.
[Chuckles] He loves to sing to me.
Ca... Just put it in
portrait instead of landscape.
[Laughs] Okay!
trying to figure out who'd be
the best guardian for his kids.
- Wow.
- Your children would be above the law.
[Gasps] Is that Charlie?
Whoa. You're friends with Drake?
♪ To the beat of just one drum ♪
_
So after wasting
So, you want your mom,
and I want my mom.
Mm-hmm.
to Grandma Alicia's "basement museum."
It's amazing how,
I had a loaded potato.
Mommy, is everything okay?
We're gonna fight this thing, baby.
- Okay.
- Please, please.
It's gonna be huge!
- Go.
- What would you do, Mom?
You can't parent over a computer!
for no computer talk
no more with that woman.
Thank you for all of your help
You are a catch,
I always thought
You know, I've been thinking.
[Laughs] Mm-hmm. Really? Okay.
consider your mother for a minute
I'm not sure I'd leave
my children with you.
I like my odds.
or as I like to call them, "Dways."
Oh.
My sweet morning surprise
is seeing your eyes open.
You have no idea how
many takes I ruined.
it's just too much.
They do need us both. They need us both.
It should be Ruby.
Yeah.
Aired 8 years ago - Mar 23, 2016
Dre and Bow start to slip on the kids' activities and chores around the house, so Bow persuades Dre to hire a nanny. After several interviews that don’t go well, they meet Vivian, who impresses them with her desire to take care of the whole family,
including Dre and Bow. Dre struggles with the idea of hiring a black nanny, but decides to give her a try. Meanwhile, Diane decides to run for class president, so when the smart and bubbly Susie Kwest becomes her competition, Zoey helps Diane create a smear campaign to win Diane the vote.
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Uh, Josh, do the same
thing so it looks fair.
Fo' sho.
you're gonna want
someone who's hardworking.
- I'm just trying to...
- You know that's a sore spot.
If Susie can't
change her clothes,
[Doorbell rings]
But Bow didn't think so.
Hi. Rainbow.
[Dre's voice] "Bow, we got
to be down with our hood
[Normal Voice] Uh-uh. Oh. So
you... could... Well, you...
The kids... They're gonna love that,
You're gonna... You're
gonna take care of me?
Hey, Vivian. We're we're home!
I like Vivi a lot.
And, you two, please get comfy.
Mmm! See if you taste the big dog.
delicious mac and cheese.
I-I wonder what I should do
with all this extra energy.
Mmm!
Oh! I know that look.
Okay, h-hold on a second.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Aw, come here, man-man!
Diane: Wow! Look at all these comments.
Head... Head... Head...
Watch it, meatball head!
That lead to a knife fight?
Sure.
Mr. Dre, more sneakers on your stoop.
Or at least once a year.
It's white guilt, Dre.
Just looks away, pretends
to be on his phone.
a Carlos Santana song
in front of my nanny.
Step one... hide my stuff.
But luckily for me, I
still got my bus pass.
[Laughter]
Especially for someone who was
an absolute stranger a week ago.
I was stuck. And then...
Listen, I went down to that nail shop
She is literally airing
our dirty laundry.
of setting me up, no.
Gerome would come in.
'Cause right now we
need to fire black nanny.
Did we fact-check this?
- Whoa!
- I don't think so.
And then what, huh?
[Gasps]
Aired 8 years ago - Mar 16, 2016
Diane begins documenting Jack's budding basketball career for a school project, but he ends up being a benchwarmer when Dre and Bow get him a spot on an elite travel-ball team. Meanwhile, Junior takes his job as a referee too seriously; and Zoe meets a new love interest.
that makes me so suited to be a ref.
Diane: Like you work at Lady Foot Locker.
All right, here we go!
Here we go! Huddle up!
One, two, three.
Now he's playing travel
ball out of Compton.
Kevin Durant, Carmelo Anthony,
Right now we're considering
repeating the third grade.
to yank him out of his comfort zone?
life-altering decisions
get made in our family...
Oh! So you like losing?
It spends half of its time perched.
And after one quick meeting...
Wow, this is incredible!
Hey, hey, son, doesn't matter.
I-Isn't that Janine's son? Hey.
Got you leaning like you sauced up.
- What are you guys doing here?!
- Shut up!
they'd tell the story of
all the great referees.
of too much quinoa
[chuckles]... whatever that is...
Oops. Excuse me. Hi. Hello.
I love that these paid
coaches play to win.
What was that? Y-You know what?
♪ Drip, drip, drop ♪
I cut these down from a power line.
Rainbow: Okay.
really bad.
Dick Bavetta, Joey Crawford, Steve Javie,
which is how you played yesterday.
We've all seen "Rocky,"
so you know what happens.
♪ Been on the low
lately, the feds hate me ♪
Dre: Jack and I shored
up his fundamentals
I can't wait to see what
snacks Jack's mom brings.
Aww. [Chuckles] Would you like one?
Too many one-arm push-ups.
Nobody knows.
Vitamin-packed refreshment, anyone?
Can I holla at you for a second?
[Whistle blows]
Ugh!
Come on. You can do it. Walk it off.
I've identified 13 places
where you may have lost it.
- That's...
- No, no, no, no.
I'm not raising a quitter.
And I knew you weren't gonna
be, what, a great musician
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 24, 2016
When the kids ask some tough questions in the midst of a highly publicized court case involving alleged police brutality and an African-American teenager, Dre and Bow are conflicted on how best to field them. Dre, along with Pops and Ruby, feel the
kids need to know what kind of world they’re living in, while Bow would like to give them a more hopeful view about life. When the verdict is announced, the family handles the news in different ways while watching the community react.
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He got tased 37 times, so,
you know, he's not great.
Well first, LeBron was... And don't
even get me started on the plot holes.
And no.
Are you done? No. Okay.
And they need to know the
world that they're living in.
Oh, my God.
to pull him over in the first place.
that's a story I've
been hearing all my life.
Yeah, it's not really
ringing a bell for me, Dad.
Plymouth Rock landed on us!
Yeah, see?
Kids are dying in the street!
go look at them in the garage.
And what's that supposed to mean?
and you know I love you.
and be kids for a little while longer.
Ma, who's Peabo Bryson?
It appears a decision about
the indictment has been made
- Yes.
- No.
to review the case and the evidence
[Sighs]
That hope, at its core,
is all we really have
the best justice system
in the whole world.
That's low even for you, Rainbow.
I'm just trying, for
the sake of our children,
Why am I just now hearing about this?
Can I just play Devil's
Advocate here for a second?
that 75% of them were armed.
there's only two kind of
people you got to worry about...
Yes, again.
I am assuming it is Chipotle.
And you don't want to
be eating Mexican food
What?
- Tear gas.
- Mm-hmm.
In this country, which did
not begin with Eric Garner...
♪ You can't cope, nope ♪
be about it.
still part of the radical cat family.
They're talking about somebody's child.
to fight your case
in court, you hear me?
The system is rigged against us.
just maybe, we got out of that bad place
And we saw him get out of that limo
That is the real world, Bow.
♪
Nope. Salt is no good during a riot.
with a frozen apple.
Or... Or worse, get killed?
Okay, baby girl. It's
gonna be all right.
I was worried.
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 17, 2016
Jack and Diane are tired of being twins, and after much pleading, Dre and Bow give in to letting them explore their lives as individuals. Meanwhile, Dre buys Zoey her first car, and she is over the moon. But when he shares the news at work, his
colleagues bring up all the terrible things teens do with cars, and Dre starts to question whether Zoey is ready for one after all.
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and I'll do it once a week,
you know, just for show.
This is the ultimate vehicle.
My baby boy bought his
mama a Buick Encore.
I sure as hell ain't gonna tell her.
Hey, hey!
Oh, Lord.
- Help your grandma.
- Bring her in the house.
Well, I-I think what
they're saying is that
Let's have a look at
some of the features
[Music stops] What?
to haul around meth equipment.
- Yeah.
- I-I'll get a fresh one.
I love you.
All right, feels a little light,
but apparently you're family,
No pets.
No car until you pass your driving test.
the steering and transmission fluid
[Scoffs] She's right.
Do my friends expect me to be driving it
and then I'm gonna drive as
fast I can to Daughter-sylvania.
[Laughs]
So, I guess we got that whole
Uh, uh! Sorry, friend.
you're giving her a
list of impossible things
And you were dead wrong
about the twins, all right?
Oh.
It's not an "Intro to
Psychology" lecture.
and sometimes even cannibalism.
[Sighs]
Together: And then?
Pbht. I don't need them.
[Air horn blows] go-o-o-o-o-o!
♪ It's about to go we too turnt up
for you ♪ Ahh, found the hidden object.
- Now where them keys at?
- Good.
Thank you so much for
agreeing to mediation.
I mean, I'm having a good time
by myself, totally thriving.
[Clears throat]
without your other half?
No.
It's
Um, no.
But now... Cool story, bro.
That's it. It was great.
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 10, 2016
After Dre notices that his neighbor Janine has never invited his family to any of her pool parties, he assumes she is racially stereotyping them as a family that doesn’t swim. The kids are shocked to find out that, in fact, Dre doesn’t know how to
swim. At work, Dre shares the story with his colleagues, and Daphne Lido is not convinced it’s a race thing, so Dre confronts Janine directly. Meanwhile, Jack and Diane are a part of the Girls’ and Boys’ Rovers Organization, and they envy each other’s activities.
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What else can't you do?
Babies, shake those juicy legs!
an... Eating for beauty?
in the boys' division along the way. Mm.
Hey, we really dodged a bullet
not getting invited to Janine's.
Sign up!
Tuesdays, we do aerial silks.
over their nasty, little yoga bodies
Nothing feels better
than finishing your homework,
Because I asked for it.
I give girls stuff,
Wow.
Why would you want to be invited
to this woman's party, Dre?
So, you can swim.
Dre is a no, and that's it.
You are a strong cup of tea.
A lot of hilarious things
were said in jest,
- What's two? Parking spaces.
- Two parking spaces.
Janine, it's Dre... From across the street.
I'm gonna keep it
all the way real with you.
We thought you didn't like us.
where the subject line was,
"I don't like Janine."
That is, if you swim.
I will see you in the pool!
Which, might I remind you, you cannot.
"you know what? I don't know."
Oh. Really?
Now, first, safety, safety, safety.
So, I'm close, right?
Your children... they need you around.
Awesome.
Oh, look how nice. [Inhales deeply]
It's about putting to rest
some very ugly stereotypes.
My sister made you a casserole.
[Laughs]
Uh... no, she is not happy.
I am fulfilled,
which is what makes me happy.
You made this all by yourself?
You know, me and you, one-on-one.
Uh..
Oh, my goodness. What a splash.
- Bow.
- Hmm?
You die at work.
and teach my boobs and my blowout
because, unlike you, I work.
because I like to.
- Mama?!
- Get out of the way!
Dre, you could have told me you can't swim.
Aired 8 years ago - Jan 20, 2016
After a month of heavy spending, Dre and Bow start to question if they are living too large. Dre's crazy accountant, James Brown, has always been their go-to money guy, but when the topic of finances gets brought up at work, Mr. Stevens refers Dre
to his more straight-laced accountant for a second opinion. Dre and Bow realize they need to be more financially responsible and try to prove to each other that they can live without their outrageous expenses. Meanwhile, the kids overhear their parents talking about money and Junior decides to start day trading.
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That I didn't see shit,
'cause I didn't see shit.
You know, we gotta keep
these accounts full, right?
"She has a history of violence,
a melodramatic notion of loyalty.
I know she Fruity Pebbles,
but, man, that's cold.
you are immune to the cold.
The Vee that you
referenced is Yvonne Parker?
but we all sort of got along.
treating her like she's not
a person doesn't suit me.
I think it's the black one. I
don't know. The one with the hair.
I was attacked from behind.
I like what you've done with the place.
I thought you weren't
interested in what I had to say.
You...
You seem like someone
who cares about his job.
You don't even need him.
If you stop my transfer.
They're slacks.
No, my husband is Jason.
How did I not know? What's wrong with me?
He used to love me.
- I mean, you're a horrible person...
- but you're sexy as hell.
but I'm not.
Holy shit.
Ah... Ah, teeth, teeth.
Christ, you should... never speak. Uh...
I'm handling this my way.
Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo...
Little shits thought it was hilarious.
while they're force-feeding
you through tubes.
of her there, feet up, high
heels knocking over the pen cup
Good news though. Caputo
canceled my transfer.
And that's a fucking miracle, you know.
You know, maybe you should
ask for your transfer back.
You need to figure out
what the fuck you want.
then get out of your own goddamn
drama for a minute, you know?
Uh-huh.
What's looking good today,
Bennett? I'm a hungry man.
It's really sad. She's got the
baby and everything. It's...
Some stuff has gone down,
I gotta show the warden I'm
his guy. He's testing me out.
The good guys.
Aired 8 years ago - Jan 13, 2016
Dre has never had a problem with Pops dating, but when it comes to Ruby, he won't let anyone come between them. When Ruby invites Dre and Bow to meet the new man in her life, Dre immediately goes on the defensive and finds any reason to dislike him.
Once Pops learns that Ruby's suitor is the real deal, he comes up with a plan to distract her. Meanwhile, Junior meets a girl on a dating site, and Zoey, Jack and Diane convince him he's being scammed, so they devise a plan to meet "the girl" in person.
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What about the fillet of the fish?!
- _
- All right, Grandma. Let's get you back out there.
What are your likes and dislikes?
Ruby, I cook with cilantro all the time.
♪ Lord, Lord, Lord ♪
What... what did she just say to me?
because you call yourself
the "Fortress of solid dude."
No, she isn't, because
she's not a real person.
- Mm, mm, mm.
- Yikes.
Probably khakis.
Which crusty old crypt keeper
we talking about this time?
Have a cigar.
Or that you have guests
over when we're not here?
So... They're not... Uh...
so we are going to be nice to him
♪ Lord, Lord, Lord! ♪
And an inconsiderate jerk
who talked over everybody.
You know, there's nothing
that would make me happier
I just thought he was really great.
Look, my mother is not lonely, all right?
You see this watch? You see this shirt?
Okay, curtis... curtis, what do you mean?
What?
Maybe I was wrong.
We're gonna meet Kiersten for a date
Oh! Come on! Dad!
Got these Clipper tickets
from one of my regulars.
Well, I just started going to crossfit.
Some manny that you hired
No, Davis got to go.
Pillowcase-bat beating.
now, get this... white denim jackets.
Well, you know I've never been one
Okay, now. Not the South African amulet.
Hey, Ruby, I was...
So, Pops had failed. I had failed.
Not in my house.
Get on my back! I'll carry you to Cedars!
so I'm gonna... I'm
gonna leave you to them.
You tell me.
Ever since you were a little boy,
It did seem weird
But you know what? Doesn't matter anyway.
and take the Amtrak to Albuquerque.
but 10 minutes into soulcycle,
I started leaking oil.
Aired 8 years ago - Jan 06, 2016
Dre's childhood best friend Gigi Franklin is in town, and Bow feels like an afterthought whenever the two of them are together. Dre and Gigi are like brother and sister, but it doesn't help that Gigi is an international pop star with model looks.
When they get into an argument, Dre turns to Bow, who convinces him that she can fill Gigi's shoes as his best friend and they give it a trial run. Meanwhile, the kids always look forward to a visit from Aunt Gigi and during her stay, they become inspired to film a music video and become Youtube stars.
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"grains of golden sand.
"Oh, god, can I not grasp them "with a tighter clasp?
but a dream within a dream?"
It's nothing.
Must be the cat hair.
It should be printed on your front page,
not buried in the ladies' pages.
Of course.
You're right.
That's your meat, Mr. Poe, like the tell-tale heart.
Where do you get your ideas?
and everyone else takes him for dead
so they put him in his grave alive!
Another tale.
As a matter of fact, I'm working on one at the moment.
I..
I was wondering if you could see your way clear to give me...
grandson of general david poe,
hero of the revolution, sir!
Could you make me a small loan
to appease this gentleman?
I will reward you...
Point to the exact spot where
you would have me stand.
No, right there!
There you are, eddie.
Sissie, I..
Our guest, Mr. Fordham,
has been wondering where you've been.
fordham.
No.
I'm sorry, mister...
nothing.
One last time...
Now, this is of the utmost importance.
The white plague.
Why didn't you call me sooner?
Now, that'll be $10 for the fee and
$2.00 for the sedative.
This is the last time, poe.
Aired 9 years ago - Dec 09, 2015
Dre thinks Christmas has become commercialized and is all about “stuff,” and no one loves “stuff” more than his kids. Pops and Ruby think they have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas and come up with a new plan to pare down gifts and spend more
time together. The kids don’t handle the news well and hope that if they put on their best behavior Dre and Bow will cave in. Meanwhile, Daphne Lido, who is single for her first holiday alone, invites herself to the Johnson family home to celebrate with them.
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I climbed in
through a window.
Don't say another word.
so fast? You've got some sort of
ambulance-chasing intuition?
And introduce him to
my forensics expert.
Zach Finley.
...at least five inches long.
to move this one
through the system fast.
Oh, so he breaks in,
Summer shows up early...
Mr. Wolfe, let's
dust for prints.
Both are consistent with
the suspect's statement.
Okay. I've got a scuff mark
in the blood pool.
I didn't go looking for the job;
Villani got my name...
and claims he never
heard a thing.
that is consistent with
the shape of the pant leg.
Then I woke up to the sound
of sirens, I ran.
All right, I might've
heard a man's voice.
I don't know
if I heard it,
You drew this
from a bird's-eye view.
Does this mean
you're dumping me?
Indeed.
I've haven't had a chance...
No, I don't.
piece of evidence,
is it not, Mr. Delko?
a test of the knife blade...
This is a close call,
but I'm going to say that...
However, you don't have
enough for the murder charge.
I can't believe the judge
fell for Finley's excuses.
and take a picture of me
doing this?
Aired 9 years ago - Dec 02, 2015
Dre has always looked out for the crew he grew up with, but when his childhood friend Sha comes to stay at the house for a few days, Bow thinks he is taking advantage of Dre. Meanwhile, Daphne Lido, the now ex-wife of Stevens & Lido’s founding
partner, gains control of half of the company and wants to start inserting herself in company business. When Daphne starts to question Charlie’s work ethic, Dre must decide who he remains loyal to.
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A neighbor called 911
after hearing screams...
I... swear.
Client?
Two bad he's not an
immigrant, Sergeant,
When did you start working
with the other side, Delko?
She was stabbed six times,
in the abdomen.
Well, the cuts are sharp on
one edge, blunt on the other.
Well, that narrows it down,
doesn't it?
against her client.
Yeah, we can't
let that happen.
Stab, stab, stab.
Yeah.
Mr. Wolfe, let's
dust for prints.
The bed appears to be slept in.
Tripp thinks I went over
to the dark side.
the suspect ran from the house
covered in blood.
The prints on the handle
are Zach Finley's.
Fell into the blood.
Or you have one of Villani's
20% that are guilty.
The prosecution's
going to sink you.
Um...
Okay.
It means that you're lying
about some aspect of your story.
What are you hiding?!
It's moving so fast,
Do you agree with
CSI Duquesne's assessment?
He used the knife to cut a lime.
I will hold the defendant over...
Your Honor, he's homeless;
he can't make that.
âTª âTª...
Pilates, yoga,
90-minute abs.
Aired 9 years ago - Nov 18, 2015
While Bow prepares for the Johnson family’s annual Christmas card shoot, Dre takes Junior and Jack to the Barber Shop to get a hair cut from his lifelong Barber, T. When Junior decides to let another Barber cut his hair, Dre feels Junior has
violated the most sacred of codes. The family is not happy with Dre’s new hair cut but Dre is disappointed in Junior’s lack of loyalty to T.
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Hey, you need a cut, playboy?
Is it cool if I start
rocking skinny jeans, huh?
Yeah. You're right.
Oh, there are so many things.
Just promise me to beat
him when you get home.
Come on, you guys.
it's just a pile of
mommy's disappointment.
Now, I won't respond, but
it'll mean something to you.
What... what happened to your hair?
Maybe while you were in his chair?
The family photo is
right around the corner.
Yeah, you know what? You be
lucky if T. ever takes you back.
Boy, where are you going?
It got left to the last minute,
I'm gonna take care of all of this.
Wait...
Just a Christmas card?!
I can't afford two in a row!
Okay, and with the integration
into the company's interface,
Look, you've got to
get him to Dubai, okay?
- What the fuck, boss?
- Yeah, I know, man.
Oh, no, I knew dozens in college.
You know what?
- You don't get it.
- He does not get it.
we toast each other with gimlets
and hit the local tanning salon.
Hey, wait.
mahogany, coach bags.
never-did-nothing-to-nobody
hairline.
He's taken the whole franchise down.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Wha... Is this your phone?
- Okay.
- Besides, whatever happened to loyalty?
- Can I help you with anything?
- No, no. You relax.
Now, she's a bad bitch.
Now, behind every matriarch
but he was with one of his
loyal, disloyal regulars.
No. You're T's guy.
She told me to call her at 1:00.
Then you be like, "no. But
what's up with you, baby girl?"
What did you do to my hair, huh?
Fool, I've been walking
around like this all week.
Oh, my. Oh, my God.
You guys look ridiculous.
- Neither is that sweater.
- Well...
Aired 9 years ago - Nov 11, 2015
While Dre and Bow take Zoey on a trip to visit Bow's alma mater, Brown University, Dre battles with his fear of flying through a little pharmaceutical assistance to get him through the flight. One loopy miscommunication leads to another and somehow
Charlie ends up babysitting the kids. When Charlie shares details about Dominique (played by Amber Rose), an old flame that has come back into the picture, the kids hatch a plan to charm her by pretending that the home and children are all a part of Charlie's domesticated lifestyle. Meanwhile, Bow becomes over-excited about sharing Brown University with Zoey and after a series of embarrassing moments, threatens to turn Zoey off from Brown altogether.
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-LESS
Isn't there anyone else you could think of?
How do I put this gently?
so that you can really
get a taste of Brown.
They must be so proud of you.
you'll get a great education.
'Cause you're afraid to get
on a big, scary airplane?
I promise.
Zoey and I are sitting in first class.
And yes, airport pizza
is definitely underrated.
Diane.
Is your sister a witch?
No, that's you.
Who's Dominique?
A man who combs his hair
forwards instead of backwards.
This is where I lived sophomore year.
Well, listen, don't slow down
the fun on my account, okay?
You know what? I've been thinking about it.
And I happen to be an
expert on the art of romance.
That could be you.
they find the bodies of at
least 10 frozen students.
maybe you should check out Andrews hall.
which is not a lot of time
A Nancy Meyers seduction starts
What?
I-I-I-I, I just want to be your man
Exactly.
and I'm making homemade
lavender-honey ice cream.
I think the word you're looking for
Oh!
in my house... which is also mine.
But it made us stronger as a family.
don't even show it to me.
Oh. Oh, no, Mom. Do not
do Yeah? Okay, watch this.
This will never last.
I can't keep doing this.
The Paris of islands off Los Angeles.
I have one kid.
Yes...?
Cut me out of this now!
I can't even figure out how to make
this ice cream from "it's complicated".
probably looking at other schools online.
I just have... I have
so many great memories.
it really bothers me.
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 28, 2015
Ever since he was a kid, Dre has loved Halloween. Now that he lives in one of those “good candy neighborhoods,” kids come from all over the city to trick-or-treat, including Dre’s own nieces and nephews. The cousins are known for roughhousing and
The Johnson kids aren’t happy when they come around, but Dre feels his kids could use some toughening. Meanwhile, Dre gets a surprise visit from his own cousin, June Bug, who used to torment Dre as a kid.
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I knew she didn't swallow.
I can't wait for you to see my dress.
It's sexy, but not slutty, you know?
- Oh, come on. Come on!
- Shut up!
Fair's where you go get
you some cotton candy.
And if he can't find me, they'll be wasted.
Kicking it with somebody,
talking, making mad stupid jokes.
One, two, three, go!
I think you are very touchable.
wherever your fight
against terror takes him.
"I'd like to watch as you two make
sweet, sweet lady love," in German?
Ain't no puzzle. Makes electrical look good.
doesn't mean it does so for everyone.
Get the fuck out of here.
All prisoners are free to
go to the visiting room.
and I should be doing some kind
of a striptease to sunshine day.
Well, I'm not asking you.
Wasabi peas and peanut butter
pretzels, apparently, but not hope.
He, um...
An article. With you
investigating from the inside.
We'll fucking expose this place, Piper.
You're the center of the solar system
and I'm just a dead hunk of crap rock!
I'm stuck with your sweaters and your shoes
Anyone gets near the
sun, they burn right up.
I'm trying, ma. The sparks
are burning my cheeks!
I used to watch her sleep
Who do you imagine yourself going home to?
I lost my manipulative,
gorgeous, psychopath ex
Hey. Gallego said you were looking for me?
It's like reading Dickens!
So, how are things going
with... what's his name?
You're in a band? Wow!
"'You must be, ' said the cat,
'or you wouldn't have come here.'"
She found a little rock.
Said "smoke me," on it.
But why would you leave the library,
man? You know you love it here.
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 21, 2015
In the Johnson home, Sundays involve SAT prep and sports, so when the family is invited to Church on Sunday by the neighbors, Dre goes against his instinct of always saying "no" and agrees. When they end up having one of the best Sundays they can
remember, they realize they should say "yes" to things more often. Meanwhile, Jack and Diane find out they were never baptized, and take it upon themselves to do whatever they want.
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_
_
_
_
Come on, everybody knows you do this shit.
Fifty.
_
_
All the girls must be here on camp.
Excellent question.
- What is that?
- Score sheet.
It was complicated.
- What y'all playing?
- Nothing.
Man, it's bullshit, man.
Oh, I'm sorry. Do you like
being another woman's doormat?
Spanish running things.
Fork on the left. Knife on the
right. Little fork on the outer left.
We need to get there early. There'll
be a huge line for Easter Parade.
You wanna get warm or not?
Ladies, would you mind if
I spoke to Red for a minute?
I don't know. I'm not familiar with the
actors at that particular high school.
Healy,
Shit licker.
Check out the anti-suicide poster.
Oh. She was worried that you
wouldn't be pretty anymore.
- Yeah!
- Oh, Piper. Did Larry come to visit you?
There's still time.
And where's Daddy?
- Well, it's better than the other thing.
- No.
What is not appropriate?
- So it's a person?
- Yeah.
Grandmother's dead! Grand...
Dying! Grandmother's dying!
When I get authorization from Fig
when she gets back from Albany.
Mr. Caputo, can my people use
the B-Dorm bathroom? Please?
Don't get cocky with me, Mendoza.
_
_
_
Who's Gruber? Oh!
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 14, 2015
After another lackluster Father’s Day overshadowed by graduation parties and summer vacations, Dre and his colleagues decide to come up with a holiday initiative entitled “Daddy’s Day,” celebrating everything that Father’s Day is not. When Dre meets
Resheida, a friend of Zoey’s who doesn’t have a Dad, they develop a bond after he is snubbed by Zoey and she backs him up on the fact that Dads should be respected and heralded. Meanwhile, Junior decides to help Bow around the house but ends up becoming more of a hassle than a help.
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Too many people wanna come,
you know? I got a big family.
Two. The third one I wouldn't marry.
And send those kids outside.
Ugh!
Hello. Yes. I purchased
a pair of shoes from you.
No, I haven't moved. Yeah!
That's the address I gave you.
Yes, yes, it is unfortunate,
'cause I had this big party to go to
Aw, thank you for your
honesty, I really appreciate it.
Still, there's gotta be
some holes in this cheese.
Shit tastes nasty. It's
like vomit wine coolers.
You one determined mo-fo.
Take this little tube
part, put it in the toilet.
No, it ain't, man. Them toilets
be cold as fuck in the morning.
Uh, no. 'Cause that's not
where the pee comes out.
I'm telling you, there's two holes.
Or like, just inside the top of it.
You have your vagina proper,
then you have your clitoris.
Yo, y'all, she's right.
Hascowitz? I've been trying to get
bumper-to-bumper with that for a month.
You knew I was after that.
Hot one of the Asian persuasion?
Some people collect buttons or Taco
Bell Chihuahuas, I collect orgasms.
Is everyone in here, like,
new or sick or just old?
No, most of them got transferred
up from Max for good behavior.
No, they're not. Your
parents pick you up from jail.
Oh, cool beans. Oh, my God, does
that mean we're gonna be roomies?
Wow. I didn't expect the
bunks to feel so dorm-y.
Chapman, in here. Soso, follow me.
Oh, no, honey, you're not in here.
What are you gonna do? Not feed me?
They secrete this powdery wax
substance. It's a bitch to get off.
You know that was never my game.
he could chew your food for you.
- You know who said that?
- No.
Use a mixture of garlic,
vinegar and hot pepper sauce.
I hate this part.
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 07, 2015
After Dre gets his yearly physical and comes home traumatized, Pops explains his generation's strong aversion towards healthcare and admits that he hasn't seen a doctor in years. Shocked by this disclosure, Dre and Bow try to convince Pops to get a
check-up and he begrudgingly agrees. When Pops finds out he has a clogged artery and needs a small procedure, the rest of The Johnson family handles the news in different ways.
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Man, I don't know who
the fuck this is. Pass.
Man, Steve Irwin. The Crocodile Hunter?
- Basketball. Uh, nerd glasses.
- LeBron.
Yo, yo, ain't our fault you
ain't current on your Us Weekly.
But, you know, I was thinking, with
my dramatic skills, I could play...
- All right, come on, J.
- Okay.
Mommy and Daddy made her, honey.
Now, just be extra careful.
Okay, honey, that's enough for now.
Hey! Hey!
It's like family.
Didn't know you had it in you.
Yeah, that's my name. Brook Soso.
they started saying I was
named after a brook instead.
Why don't you take the
bunk above Chapman, okay?
- Seriously, for everything.
- Bah!
Rosa, I will see you
tomorrow for your appointment.
One of the black girls didn't
come round when you got in?
Like, I had to, like, shed that scaly skin
they did something funny
to you up in that hospital.
Mama says pretty's for
flowers and movie stars,
for myself.
people have flicked up there.
Do you have anywhere else to be? Anywhere?
No.
Couldn't even be bothered enough
to leave a note or nothing.
Where I come from, we
call that "chicken shit."
Ooh!
"But Suzanne, my heart hurts!"
That's an impressive skill.
I hope you don't mind.
She's 10 years old and it's a
birthday party for 6-year-olds.
and dismiss her before she's
had a chance to succeed in life.
No, it's actually good
for the baby and shit.
Aired 9 years ago - Sep 30, 2015
After a break-in down the block, Dre talks about getting a gun, and Bow is not comfortable with the idea. Jack and Diane are shocked that they have been living in the house unprotected, Junior sets off on a quest to protect the family from the real threat, cyber terrorism, and Zoey has Pops teach her the art of Karate to defend herself.
You might wanna start thinkin' about
making your own forever family, Taystee.
I'll be keepin' my eye
on you, Taystee Girl.
You got anything in white? My
mother always said that was my color.
I got curves. I'm a plushious woman.
Take the leopard.
- Ha!
- What about this?
You're like a broad broad.
I am sucking.
what kind of job were you
thinking of gettin' in that?
at a medical supply company in Utica?
That shit is blowing up.
Off. It's hot enough in here.
Hey, have a job fair brownie.
It should. Drink up, mami.
I haven't shit for five days, you happy?
You're not her mother, I'm her mother.
So, as you can see, we have a very
exciting few days planned for all of you.
- Nope.
- Wholly unprofessional.
The animal print is too racy
and implies poor judgment,
Thank you, you can leave the stage now.
I believe the makeup is a
bit gothic and heavy-handed,
However, we do run into some serious
problems with personal grooming here.
Let's talk a moment about dressing
for your body type and your skin tone.
But something in a jewel
tone with a contrasting scarf.
I would have to give it to
this young lady right here.
puffin' up and down the street.
Bye-bye, Taystee Girl.
and I don't want the tuna with
the spicy sauce, just plain tuna.
You'll make it easy, it's
still early, and good for you.
Sorry, next!
Look, the furnace needs to be replaced.
And you ran off like a good little
puppy and you did it for her.
Add it to the 23.
Should I tell Gloria?
Subtle, Morello.
Aired 9 years ago - Sep 23, 2015
Jack performs the song “Gold Digger” at a school talent show and when he sings a lyric that includes THE word, it leads to his possible expulsion from school. Dre and Bow work together to get him reinstated, and along the way, examine the evolution of THE word through the generations and just who, if anyone, has the right to use it
The fuck?
Van nine,
you're cleared to go.
- Processing out.
- Processing out? Processing out?
I demand to know where I am being taken!
No one's getting in trouble, Piper.
If my dad finds out, I'm
totally getting grounded.
no one else really does.
not be a lemming.
do you know where we're going?
I don't know shit... same as you.
- A what?
- A pee pad.
Nobody told me. I've been
in seg for the last month.
Stick it up or I'll rip it out. Come on.
No, sir.
Nope. Next!
- What was that?
- It's normal.
Sir... um...
Better.
You must've really pissed
off whoever put these on.
from the food on an airplane
than in an actual crash.
When I get agitated, I get
this really weird eye twitch.
and she said it was so long and so dry
that her whole face almost cracked open.
with these shackles on
and no guard noticing,
But if it's got heat and a bed,
it's better than where I been.
And then I did this, uh...
And...
so...
I didn't even really know
that there was a there there.
and hitting her...
Hello, passengers, we
wanna thank you for flying with us today.
Your seat cushion may be
used as a floatation device.
something really inappropriate happens,
something that scars us for life?
- Oh, shit.
- See?
I gave the guy 10 extra bucks
to buy the tickets for us.