Aired 5 years ago - Jun 02, 2015
As their sixth year at Greendale draws to a close, Abed asks everyone to imagine pitching a TV show about what they would do in season seven.
a new bar scene without knowing it?
What if Shirley came back, would
that change your disposition?
You guys, can we put a pin in the
B story and focus on the A story?
But isn't the shape of
your brain kinda fucked up?
I've got, I'm angry and you
should vote or don't vote.
But I'm happy.
What are you pitching?
I also eat cell phones, so you
better be careful with those
Mr. Winger, Garrett's
holding Leonard's hand again.
And get laid.
I mean we've got through six seasons.
It must be hard work running
away from your own age.
It's just, they have schools for
this kind of stuff at Quantico.
I'm just saying there's always
gonna be a need for law at Greendale.
I can't count the reasons I should stay.
they shouldn't need a leader
to tell them what to do.
Oh, well I, I mean, it's
not that complicated is it?
We could learn about science or
history it's set in a school, after all.
TV defeats it's own purpose
when it's pushing an agenda, or
I'm mellow and relatable.
now that it's time for me
to commit I have to pass.
Jeff I know it comforts you to look
at things through that metal lens,
Annie I'm home.
Is this really what you want?
the dean would stop leaving
them under the welcome mat.
I wanna wear a t-shirt without
looking like I forgot to get dressed.
I want stories and wisdom, perspective.
have to live under, if you
accept that you're older.
For season six.
as a humble outsider that
came in and nailed it?
Okay, and the rest of
you are the redhead ones.
I'm legit gay!
No time for ponderin' why I'm a-wanderin.
Aired 5 years ago - May 26, 2015
A surprise marriage proposal in Jeff’s law class reveals an unexpected connection between the bride and groom.
almost to the point
of being stupid.
The eccentric-looking guy.
My accountant has black nails!
This is gonna be fun.
Biblical, igneous, jagged,
hateful, pointy, ninja rocks, and
One of my sisters as well, you
know, one of them is deceased,
Hey what are you guys doing?
but Annie loves doing.
I do, Johnny.
Do you, Garrett, take Aubrey
Plaza to be your wife?
C'mon, let's go, go,
go, go, go, go, go.
What if I'm capable of
Now, I understand that
vows have been written.
You are my favorite video game.
That's a list of things
you love about me, yeah.
Okay, let's endure this.
so, do what you gotta do!
So, let's spread out and- Be the best
wedding guests, anyone has ever seen!
Then, I started to pick up the pieces
of our pride, and weirdly enough,
A little too well,
that's the problem.
Oh, you know, you know
what you're doing.
white people are very discouraged,
and very discouraging to each other.
You feel like a superhero.
There's no lid.
Am I that bad?
told her after our behavior today, it
was the least I could do for them.
God, I love my job!
Don't let Garrett, don't paint.
that means two families are
leaving here tonight as one.
Some of you have worked the dance floor
with Garrett's divine great aunt
but we did learn that both of
them were born in the same town.
Oh, this is meemaw!
Between us ruining the ceremony and
ruining the reception when we were all
it is legal in this state
to marry your cousin.
I know, I was being sarcastic.
Aired 5 years ago - May 19, 2015
Jeff is drawn into a secret game of paintball happening on campus and Frankie threatens to expel anyone who plays.
let me handle this and go to your office.
That's behind me.
I'll think about it.
Apparently, now that Frankie's declared it illegal, it's gone underground,
I'm glad we all agree not to do this.
Don't think about it, don't think about it.
Take it easy. Leave her alone.
All right guys.
Whoever's running this server is offering a huge cash prize to the winner.
with premium grade silver paintballs by an unknown shooter.
desperates, but des, but
If the people in this room play to win,
When it seems like all is lost, and
DJ might be the guy from MeowMeowBeenz.
It's how most people answer, so.
on that, second rule, which, I'm not allowed to call a rule.
I just, I think I feel like I need it to stabilize.
Koogler? We got him.
Now he's ordering a huge batch of ammo, and
It's taking an hour.
and none of our buildings will ever be shaped like this.
Follow your bliss, sir.
I'm using it was cover while watching a somewhat suspicious waiter.
Hey there, Dean.
Yes hello can I get a bogey with a gun no pickles and three orders of gun.
Oh really, oh Britta you can come in now.
Looking back on those dark days, it's clear that the only heroes were
So it is with great shame and poetic irony that I present
And Stay calm, check your zones.
It's the custodians.
Unfortunately, as with his stories I don't anticipate yours holding up.
You think City College will take you if you lose their
Okay, we got him.
God has a plan.
Don't you see we're both in the same situation?
We're both dinosaurs roaring in vain at the mammals.
What a backfire!
Now he's Iron Man.
If you guys lower your guns, I'm not gonna throw you a party, but
And the Pope looks at the giraffe and says I'm in the room.
Aired 5 years ago - May 12, 2015
During a road trip to unload one of Greendale’s useless artifacts, Abed turns a situation into a flashback-filled feature film.
Wait, 40 minutes?
We didn't learn anything.
Aaaaaannnnnd... Jeff, you
really need us to say it?
So now, will you please help us?
Doesn't your species
consider that a challenge?
I bet we'd get along.
Hello there, sir.
It's genius, but I called it.
Okay. So, like a string is a sweater?
No, I am God, which pretty
much makes me better than you.
I love you.
The next person who says
grift is gonna grift!
I say you're pretty close to
swapping the briefcases loaded with
My Aunt Baba died on
vacation while in Africa.
I'll cut you in for fourteen grand.
Jeff Winger, that's the one!
The Brown Betty?
Okay, how many times have I told
you people the faculty lounge is
Can an idiot walk backwards
like this and not hit anything?
your ex boyfriend becomes an obsessive.
Because that made him feel in control.
a calendar day.
In The Sting, they do
withhold stuff from each other.
All I had was the idea that,
hired 1,000 people to
cooperate in perfect secrecy.
Maybe over the weekend I can make a
fake building, but all the briefcases,
Roger, we surrender.
he compared sheep to wolves.
I mean I would, but my diabetes.
I have to start over.
And this whole school can suck a big one.
as a fake biology group so that
she could have sex with Troy.
Whoop, I'll just put this in here.
Don't trust anyone.
I don't know. How does one
go through life like that?
You sentimental fool.
Aired 5 years ago - May 05, 2015
When a clever clever con man, Professor DeSalvo, uses his class to cheat the study group, they enlist Jeff to get revenge. The situation goes awry as Britta and Dean Pelton get involved in Jeff and Professor DeSalvo’s scamming competition.
Those are actually half off, I kind of feel like I grifted him.
You don't want to take this guy down?
I bet we'd get along.
My name is Roger DeSalvo.
And, only a delusional hobo would glorify stealing.
So, you can lie.
Well, it was homework, and we're getting better, right?
Likewise, no idea what your name is.
My Aunt Baba died on vacation while in Africa.
I'm gonna grift you.
we'll split it.
Professor of grifting.
So what's it gonna cost to make you go away?
And by avoiding all visible bait, he placed himself on the invisible hook
Because our plan is impossible to know?
Well, having been together virtually non-stop ever since,
not listen to you!
My whole brain is long and quiet.
We've tried everything we can.
Holed in the closet watching The Sting like gypsies.
I, I'm sorry love, but would you rather we took this to court?
Don't be. I'm the one who got in a pissing match.
She started it as a, as a, as a, as a, as a,
Whoop, I'll just put this in here.
Well, follow me, and I'll show you.
Some say I'm the king.
Oh, shut up.
This is pointless!
We got pretty good at it, too.
paid me $50,000 in cash for these injuries.
So, the statement I'm hearing here is you're a grifting professor.
Because it sounds like he was either the victim of crass, artless thuggery.
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 28, 2015
Chang leaves Greendale to pursue fame in Hollywood. Abed agrees to complete his unfinished film with the support of Frankie, her movie producer friend Maury and Jeff.
Chang's absence lowers our insurance premiums 6%.
Did you ever really know his name?
I make all my actors sign releases before we do anything.
Get him in here!
Have you seen Vin Diesel in 1996's Happy Pants?
Ooh. I have three minutes of footage and
Now, that, you notice anything strange?
You're not saying no.
Okay, but I get final cut, and it has to be a good movie.
My name is Chief Star, and I am in the stars.
By whom, Glip Glop?
This shot from that angle matches the back of Chang's shot.
Please don't say that.
Scorpio Nine, I'm a pleasure droid.
Mayor, your ass is grass.
let that be all the explanation you need
I work on it with equipment, but I will never really be done.
are looking for
Oh, don't worry, don't worry about that.
I need, any no-.
It's just that everyone who's not a person is saying "Yooba Dooba.".
Yooba Dooba dooba, Yooba Dooba dooba, Yooba Dooba dooba.
But so what?
That last stunt you pulled put six of my best guys in the hospital.
Hm. Hm, it seems pretty important he doesnt give doesn't give up Chang.
Jeff's death scene is six minutes 30 seconds.
Nobody cares about labeling files, teach me to edit.
So now let's get familiar with the user interface.
Every single one of you was gonna leave here except for me.
I finally know in my heart,
if we just keep the cameras rolling and shoot a lot of crap eventually
But somewhere in there, every once in a while.
Will you do me a favor?
Woo hoo hoo!
Well, he's right here, so.
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 21, 2015
A former boyfriend lures Britta into joining Honda’s guerilla marketing campaign. Jeff looks to get Elroy to like him.
I'm a problem solver give me information.
Did you lose the egg you
put the dollar bill in?
but you need to be
smarter than that, right?
Sub. No, no, no, no,
that's my sandwich name.
Okay, that makes sense.
And they make great products
that I'd wanna sell, anyway.
We invited Elroy to meet us in
the study room for a game night.
You sit back and wait for
them to notice you're cool.
I want to tell another person how to dress.
Why choose, when you can Hond-oose.
I got up to make nachos and
Elroy said, that was not-cho job.
It's not true, you know.
What do you recommend?
You mean shill-boards
I hated finding these treasures and
not being able fit them in the car.
I want you to meet my parents.
Natalie's Freezing CDs, but Abed
found some songs by them online
Oh, man, I'm, I'm sorry.
Like your Natasha Freezes CD?
Dean Pelton, I know how
susceptible you are to advertising.
Are you I don't know how to.
Don't answer that, you'll get it wrong.
We are just so thrilled
that you brought a friend.
Oh, come on sweetie that's not necessary.
No thank you, that movie
is three hours of puke.
But I think our current students
will show up for the degree raffle.
No. Good, cuz it aint' working.
If you do need anything
reached, I've been practicing.
But, why does that mean that I like Avatar?
When I influence people to buy Honda
products, I feel God's pleasure.
She messed me up, she
messed me up pretty good.
Enemy knights, cavalry arrows?
I'll do that.
My favorite band is playing.
The Dean is a level
seven susceptible, Britta.
You got me interested, and I fell hard.
I like you and I want you to like me.
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 14, 2015
A malicious hacker threatens to publicize everyone’s personal emails unless Greendale cancels a racist comic’s performance.
WazzleDazzle.com has got five Bacardi
cocktails inspired by the lunch
Don't call us boys.
Some of you probably can't
see from where you're sitting.
You guys booked Gupta Gupty Gupta?
but I say cancel the performance, and
give the government the sweeping powers
The eyes of the world...
For white people.
our democracy has been hijacked and
turned into a puppet show about two
No, I'll do it.
And hacker is already such a dumb name.
but I will always have
been with you secretly.
First, freedom of speech does not
just apply to speech you want to hear.
nobody gets on the internet tonight.
What makes you think it's only your
Greendale email they'll be leaking?
Hi, how's everybody doing?
I have read everything you guys
have ever wrote about me in an email.
That's a direct quote from a
really mean email I wrote about him.
For that human genome project?
waiting to see who wins in the
battle between terror and cool.
You told human resources I
was a functional alcoholic.
My sexuality is of zero concern
to my job and to everyone here.
melodramatic emails to your sister,
who you might notice never responds.
Well, well, well, it looks like Jeff
Winger auto-paid his car insurance and
I received their first letter
as part of a family email chain,
And even though our relationship
is based on a lie, for me it's.
That's pretty creepy, Elroy.
And Britta, way to instantly memorize
the exact date of your big victory.
Oh, did anyone see Jeff's letters?
That's right, and frankly,
haven't been well utilized since.
This is Gupta Gupty Gupta.
I'm gonna go get ready.
Annie get ready to introduce our star.
Whoa! Stop, stop, hey!
He's very fat.
Have you found anyone else you
could love, like another fat person?
I've seen all of your cartoons about me.
so maybe we're more evolved
and forgiving than them.
Terror is terrorized by...
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 07, 2015
Jeff squares off against a charming prison inmate Willy who’s attending Greendale via telerobot. Britta enlists Abed to get around Annie’s rules against parties in their apartment.
As someone that got paid to
keep people out, let me tell you.
I'm so glad you talked me into this.
Now, if I see any race gangs
forming, I will have no choice
Roll forth and rehabilitate.
Willy. Take a seat.
I know the main difference
between us is an orange jumpsuit.
What I'm saying is by Annie's logic.
Yeah, taking some night classes,
trying to take full advantage, you know?
People start coming
over, way more than eight.
Bravo, Britta, very clever.
Before this is over, you'll
beg for my forgiveness.
He tried to push me downstairs.
Oh, my God.
Does anyone ever get their
head stuck between the bars?
I don't cotton much to
fancy words and book study.
By talking, by lying.
like a leotard with a lot of
fancy buckles and loops on it.
Could you be a little
bit less of a buzz kill?
No, don't worry.
Did someone order a prison break!
Try dancing harder.
You're not losing me.
Yeah, I'll go on my own, with
dignity, something you should look up.
Oh, it must be so cool living in a vehicle.
it's going to be in two
volumes and it's hard to sleep,
Dean's using the study
room for the ceremony.
Have you ever thought of
saying that, to the Dean?
Dude, we're trying to help Jeff here.
That's a wrap!
longer than you think
is rational or possible.
But this Dean and this prisoner stand here
together to prove that the dream is real.
Dean Craig Pelton, do you
accept responsibility for
But don't do it before I
tell you some things that
an overhead projector and a roll of carpet.
His appeal is in motion.
I think I pulled a plug.
Now, who's falling?
Aired 5 years ago - Mar 31, 2015
The school board invites the Dean to become a member as long as he promotes his “homosexuality.” Chang auditions for “The Karate Kid,” with Annie’s help, and endures abusive treatment from the director. Abed tries to save baby birds nesting on the Greendale Internet router with the help of Elroy.
What would you think about moving up?
Those guys get to dress fancy all year.
And if you're not. Well, there's
a lot of gay guys out there.
This should lead to the router.
Kid, animals have been murdering
each other for 3 billion years.
And you don't have to get mean.
- "Daniel-san, what you want?"
- Okay, no, sorry, no.
- After what?
- After after.
I am not letting you
sabotage yourself like this.
Wow, need time to fix it? You
sound just like you work in IT.
the most power an openly gay
could achieve was a center square.
which is nobody's business, an
aspect of your role in society?
But now I get a chance to win. I could
change the system from the inside out.
I am so curious.
Yeah. And a few classes back at
the Y in Jersey where I'm from.
Hey. I fell off my bike.
You crying? You cry when I tell you to cry.
and I wanted to thank all
of the people at Greendale
whatever his lifestyle may be.
Sure, well, it really doesn't
have anything to do with my work.
I'm not gonna hit you. And
it's not because it's illegal,
Danny does a bit with the
floor sanders, Miyagi is amused,
Theodore says that if they're sparrows
they'll be flying in less than 12 days.
Either way, until those birds
are gone nobody gets any closer.
Your ancestors are clawing their way
deeper into the Earth to get away from you,
- That's fine, you can go.
- I'm not bluffing.
Ralph Macchio? Showed up.
Oh my God! You're like doing a
terrible Vinnie Barbarino up here.
You've shut down the campus WiFi
until a nest of baby birds can grow?
They don't want a gay dean who
acts like a weird gay monster.
- The nest needs to be moved.
- You are not crossing this line.
Just a hair back Domingo, it's
like you're breathing for me.
I am a politician.
I only hope that you can accept an
openly political person on your board.
We like our politicians in the
closest because we're afraid,
- Isn't Chang's play tonight?
- If any of you go, you're supporting abuse.
He's found the right role, and
tonight, your world changes.
You must be the new people in apartment 20.
- I lost a button.
- Maybe we all lost a button.
Aired 5 years ago - Mar 24, 2015
The group has to go on the offensive against a claim that Greendale graduated a dog; Abed creates an attack ad discounting the dog; Britta, after pooping her pants, connects with Elroy over the band “Natalie is Freezing;” Chang shoots a single person porn.
Heard it's pretty bad.
Nothing in particular, just
overlapping clouds of many thousands
The brotherhood of AV exists
beyond your petty factionalism.
a big tabletop map with little
Nazi tanks, and/or a Godzilla.
There are no cookies. There is a situation.
- I'm gonna watch.
- Got it!
If the answer is Greendale,
prepare to get boned.
Well trust me, we'll be lucky if
we get in three words before...
- Was it enrolled in classes?
This is my own time.
You wanted me invested?
if City College can't support
their claim, it's libel, we can have
I mean we've known this animal 30
seconds and she's already unreliable.
I wanna know everything about this Ruffles,
she thinks she went to this school, fine.
Allegedly, this conversation is privileged.
Not again. You did this a month ago.
I was in my own world, but one
day at work, I heard this sound.
Hope is faith's richer, bitchier sister.
I assume Chang thinks I sound like
distant explosions and crying babies,
has had 27 children with
five different fathers,
I originally wanted the voice-over
to be a James Earl Jones impersonator,
- What are you doing?
- Nothing at all.
And I don't care.
I'm gonna call the station right
now and have them pull the ad.
That City College ad
may be technically a lie,
that's a German art film.
If surviving means being like them,
what's the point?
Personally, I hope you're bluffing.
I mean it was, literally, cheaper.
- You know I don't to be a part of that.
- Just trust me.
We're working hard.
- You hoped.
- I hoped and it worked.
That stuff we talked about.
- Who cares?
- You might be a genius.
Aired 5 years ago - Mar 17, 2015
The Dean purchases a VR system for Greendale that could bankrupt the school, forcing Jeff to find the creator, Elroy Patashnik, to save them. After moving in with Annie and Abed, Britta finds out her parents have been paying her debts to her friends. Chang gets bitten by a cat.
Have fun in the Stone Age while I
step into the third dean-mension.
I want you to know that I got a new
bartending job with better hours and
So go to Settings.
Your majesty, the filing tabs.
On the contrary, I intend to keep it.
Well, are we, okay.
You make them sound like monsters,
but they're actually really nice.
The charade can finally end.
to use your own support system.
There are people in this
world with serious problems.
Who's asking? Well, that's always a yes.
Terrestrial slobs bound to the
earth by their meaty feet.
Took Brigitte Nielsen to the premiere.
And my feet aren't meaty!
And in that year, I'm gonna get a new job,
How long is that gonna stick with me?
It's a matchmaking app, and by
the way, if you were on Tinder-.
Or told me that the cat ran
away because I tried alcohol?
you have to realize, Britta,
that your Woodstock,
You can explain to each other in hell.
Or at least get a cab, or
Ugh, I'm going home.
the scent of Tic Tacs with
a tinge of Naugahyde.
I wanna stay in here forever
and you can't stop me.
To use a phrase I coined
in the 90s, I'm going in.
What are you doing in my car?
What can I do to help you tonight, Brita?
Do you really want the power of a god?
Brita, we were so worried.
Mom, shut up!
fighting our family's tendency toward
obesity as we slide into oblivion.
Thank you for the refund, Elroy.
I have no idea what to do
with the rest of my life now.
Aired 5 years ago - Mar 17, 2015
Francesca “Frankie” Dart is hired as CFO of Greendale after a roof collapses from 40 years of Frisbees. Tasked with fiscal responsibility, Frankie suggests cutting unnecessary classes such as “Ladders” amongst other changes, and Abed helps Frankie.
Struggling to keep Shirley’s Sandwiches afloat, Britta, Annie, Jeff and Abed turn it into a speakeasy after Frankie bans alcohol on campus.
I told her I'd manage her
sandwich shop while she's gone.
I thought it would be
fun, and mandatory for
[LAUGH] I'm getting a call,
here, and I'll have to take it.
No! No, no, no! Hey!
In marketing, it's what
we call the Good Belushi.
That doesn't mean that we don't work
together, but all communication and
she's an additional white person, which
has clearly become important here.
I gave you some extra heat.
insure a campus with free flowing booze.
Hi. I had an idea about how
to deelectrify the pool.
I'm gonna name one of my
sandwiches after her.
Temporal mutation in English, Doc.
I can't determine if you
have any specific flaw,
As opposed to questions I consider
more important like, what is real?
I moved down here to take
care of one of them.
She hates you.
Abed, are you sure she wasn't
actually being sweetly condescending?
Are you sure you're not doing what I
usually do, overreacting to change?
Don't think of it as bad baking.
Flo, Alice no fighting, can't
afford to lose this place.
you're killing small, black owned business.
Ooh. Wait, you guys had
a meeting last night?
We are something else.
Yeah, the list felt
pretty similar visually.
[SOUND] I'd like the special.
And in an ironic way, because if
Shirley saw this, her soul would die.
What's the rumpus, Abed?
You guys know about tardigrades?
Is this what you guys want?
because you are all compulsively
defiant, but it wasn't enough.
It's pathological, and so am I.
I'm just trying to, I'm trying
to, and everybody here is a,
Welcome to ladder!
All right, all right, all right.
Miss Dart, word of advice, change your
personality, or start looking for
Whatever he's offering you, Greendale
will give you less, and an apology.