Aired 10 years ago - May 12, 2011
As the Greendale year-end paintball extravaganza continues, the game takes a dramatic turn with new intruders arriving on the scene. The study group realizes they must unite to defeat the enemy despite disagreements about strategy.
But I'm calling dibs on the Han Solo
role before Jeff slouches into it.
"Pop?" Pop what? Pop what?
As for rules, they're clearly defined
in your school's agreement
I hope you like getting balled.
You'd certainly be doing Jeff Winger
a big favor.
"For Greendale," on three.
I understand you've unified
and intend to draw this game out.
Resistance is as pointless
as your degrees.
Abed. Stop trying to be Han Solo,
it's making me embarrassed for you.
I'd hate to go home to my babies.
Do you happen to have a better plan?
I do happen, Jeff. I happen very much.
Paint in sprinklers?
I don't take orders from girls,
because they don't talk to me.
Troy, your plan will lure people
off the ice cream truck,
and that his Achilles heel
Anyway, just wanted to let you know,
I don't think you're immature.
Squad B commencing
Operation Actual Operation.
The one near the 15 exit,
Can we move this along?
I'm missing CSI.
- They're all over the place.
- They're all over the place.
Commence Operation Troy's Awesome
Leadership is Never in Doubt.
That gun's too powerful.
They've trapped us in a dead end.
We're gonna need help.
Britta, are you alive?
Alpha 17, move in.
- We're all dead. All of us.
- Paint is raining from the sky.
Unh... It's my heart.
Eat paint, you Stormtrooping,
City College knob gobblers.
Human Beings! Human Beings!
Final meeting of the semester
now in session.
I was only Han Solo because the
context demanded it. But here.
Aired 10 years ago - May 05, 2011
As the Greendale student body enjoys their year-end picnic, Dean Pelton announces plans for a small, quick, safe game of paintball. As the game heats up, alliances are formed - and broken - and friendships are put to the test. When a mysterious and
threatening figure emerges on the Greendale campus, it becomes apparent that this is no ordinary game of paintball.
I heard you never shoot
an unarmed man.
Jeff wants to see you.
Yeah? And I want pants.
They were practicing
while the rest of us went on dates.
Don't shoot me, shoot him.
He's white and he's out of ammo.
You haven't changed.
You think Pierce has?
Who wears spurs in paintball?
The guy that's gonna win.
Does that guy even go to this school?
He's really good-Iooking.
There's a bounty on your head,
Actually, Jeff, he's been pretty
decent in this game so far.
But he's not really riding anything.
Look, I don't name people, Annie.
Welcome to Fort Hawthorne.
Or if you prefer,
relax and catch a show.
Only Hawthorne personnel
can carry weapons inside, Jeffrey.
That's pretty warm and fuzzy talk
coming from you, Pierce.
And if you ever took the time
to get to know her...
Ah. More juice,
I just think the study group
is my family, you know?
I sentence you
to pretendsies death.
Yeah, so you told me
at last year's tryouts.
Stop trying to fluster me
with your handsomeness.
I'll hit you in the foot.
Pierce loaded your gun with blanks.
And what kind of ice cream company
Now, this is more like it.
To have a conversation with Pierce.
He wiped out the whole fort.
Then why are you still here?
Hey! What are you doing?
Oh. Okay. I get it.
So once again, I'm the bad guy.
- Put it in your holster.
- Come on, Annie.
We're always nice to you, Pierce.
on whether we'd invite you
back to the group next year.
It's Jeff Winger.
Aired 10 years ago - Apr 28, 2011
Just as the study group are getting ready for their final Anthropology exam, Shirley goes into labor leaving the group to figure out the best way to help. Meanwhile, a riot in the parking lot starts during the World Food Festival.
I have left the exam paper in my
office, but it is a real doozy.
So toodle-Ioo. Cheerio.
You know what? Not different, equal.
Equal to whites.
I'm good. I'd like to stay here
and check out this unorthodox exam.
Jordan was in here so long,
he came out with a driver's license.
It's the same active ingredient
I don't know. It just is.
No. I don't know. Tsh.
She doesn't need a slacker with two
one-eyed cats governing her body.
You're gonna be sitting
in the waiting room playing solitaire
Can someone please get every mop
Okay, give me your attention.
This student is having a baby.
Can you please call Andre?
He's "Sugar Boots" in my phone.
This has got to be a Chang baby.
Changs are never born in hospitals.
I'm saying, nobody needs to freak out.
A Chang is hearty to the core.
Well, what's it gonna be?
So how does it work?
Oh, my God, everything's wet.
No, no, no, the money
doesn't matter anymore.
more than 8 centimeters,
we have time to get her to a hospital.
- Okay, look,
Let's use "kerfuffle" for now,
okay, Mr. Winger?
between North and South Korean
Lake Wobegon days!
Listen, Shirley, we're having
the baby right here, right now.
Jeff, help me move
Shirley to the ground.
- I'd prefer if it was one of the girls.
- I can do it.
Due to a conflict of genitals
What in the hell?!
I don't know what to do.
you can imagine.
not the feds,
not the Girl Scouts.
Get out of my way.
Okay, I'm ready.
- Push. Push. Push.
- Push. Push. Push.
I am nailing this.
You're doing great too.
Okay. Hi, baby.
I don't claim that power.
I'm merely the deliverer.
- Are you sure it's yours, baby?
Aired 10 years ago - Apr 21, 2011
As the study group assemble their 20th and final diorama for their anthropology class, they reminisce about their favorite moments over the past year. Meanwhile, Troy's monkey reappears but disappears back into the ventilation system, leading Senor Chang to try to get the monkey and retrieve all their stolen loot.
♪ uh ♪
Yeah, focus on the positives,
That was adorable and magical.
Let's find Santa some more.
And you can never
tell anyone, okay?
Now we know why
our year's been so horrible.
I think they want
some examples, Pierce.
We need to talk.
because you didn't step forward
and are therefore innocent.
you've had three flu shots.
Okay, now that the seals
have been broken,
Pierce, you can't sneak up
on me like that.
You guys aren't seeing
the bigger picture.
The long looks,
the stolen glances,
♪ no matter what I say or do ♪
♪ keep me without chains ♪
♪ set me free ♪
I mean, you could do the same
thing with Pierce and Abed.
♪ Something always
brings me back to you ♪
♪ till the moment I'm gone ♪
between you and Annie
I was just heading to judge
our belated carnival
so let's whip it in the keister.
Why, it's time to Tina "Turner"
the clocks ahead.
That's right, Greendale presents
"Gone with the Windows,"
I don't want to stop.
So contract it.
Hey, when I'm being racist,
We fight about fighting
Yeah. We're done.
And, yeah, in that time,
are the emotional ghosts
that I like to call fear.
a second life on cable.
but I choose to believe
it's just the universe's way
Aired 10 years ago - Apr 14, 2011
The study group chooses their spring electives. Britta and Troy explore an acting class, and Abed picks a course that studies the 1980s sitcom Who's the Boss?. Meanwhile, Jeff and Pierce take a wine tasting class where they meet a mysterious woman who sweeps Pierce off his feet which raises Jeff's suspicions.
Because my stick
is ribbed for her pleasure.
Heh, heh. The red dragon ordered a Number
37 with a side of pork-fried snap.
Don't think you have to worry about that.
This is about introspection.
It's a circle. Sit down.
That and, you know,
pretending to be other people.
I just want to go on the swings!
- What a loser.
- Okay, great. Next person.
This. This is where
and I'd like to begin
with a simple question:
It's not your fault.
and we just got to talking.
Pierce married three of his wives
after knowing them a month.
so I said my uncle
tried to touch my butt.
No, Uncle Lucius, I don't wanna
play in the laundry room!
and I wanted to offer you
my other foot.
Oh, so your parents don't mind having
a son-in-law roughly their age?
I am dual citizen already.
Uh... It was... That means
it was very nice talking to you.
How can you say those things
I have studied this show, Mr Abed.
That way you can share
your open mind with everybody.
No, you are funny,
and you are like Oprah.
Thank you, Jeff.
I just hope she can satisfy me.
Here, hold this.
Bah. What is this?
That's her middle name. In China,
they put the last name first.
So the drinks are on me,
but stick to the crappy stuff.
is not only
not a Greendale student,
And to me for being
The rest went with Chang
to have a ketchup fight.
What relationship? You just met the
woman, and the entire thing was a lie.
I thought we had something.
I was trying to help you.
Look, Britta, I'm really sorry.
It was hard to understand him, though.
He was huffed up on paint thinners.
With a confession.
we're not writers.
Aired 10 years ago - Mar 24, 2011
Jeff incorporates Abed's love of cinema and pop culture, into a specially themed "Pulp Fiction" surprise birthday for him. But the tables are turned as Abed arranges another dinner with an unsuspecting Jeff at another eating establishment.
It's great of Jeff to put this together.
What, I have 3D vision now?
- Has anyone seen this film?
- Am I the hero or love interest?
Boy, is this menu stuffy. I don't know
about you, but I'd rather have a nice...
Ah, so I did. I'm sorry.
Here and there.
I even started a fan club on Facebook.
Looking for work?
So I sold my action figures
and bought a ticket to Los Angeles.
not just the actors,
but the crew. Everyone.
He says, "Background of this scene.
So before I take my first step,
With each step, it becomes easier.
my first true love
falling for my best friend,
And then they called "cut"
and the scene was over.
My lips started trembling
Because the truth is, Jeff, I had
been Chad, and Chad was dead.
Um... Your food's getting cold.
Britta, you promised that this
private party would be done by 8.
I'll give you all of my tips
from my next shift.
The point is, I'd been a fool.
No. Everybody poops their pants.
On the surface, a reference to cinematic
drivel, but on the inside, empty.
But I'd like you
to have a milkshake with me.
We're like robots exchanging
catchphrases and references.
We use it to sweet-talk our way
around natural selection.
Nine out of 10 lies occur
six inches from the bathroom mirror.
and tells them
he weighs 400 pounds
God, that feels good to admit.
The world is a sick place
full of sick, sick people.
You know what I'm saying.
Winger's a man of means.
He must've got it on eBay
I'll kill you!
And my mom said, "Indian boys
have long hair and braids too."
I stopped correcting them.
God, this is incredible.
What do you want?
The wallet, milkshakes. Did you set up a
surprise Pulp Fiction birthday party?
Check, check, check. Bye.
So this wasn't a real conversation?
- Cool, cool, cool.
- Yeah, it is.
Man, I really wish
you two got along better.
Eight hundred and she stays fired.
You're mad at me.
I prefer the term "homage."
Aired 10 years ago - Mar 17, 2011
Annie organizes a baby shower for Shirley, while Shirley plots to keep Senor Chang out of her life. Meanwhile, Britta is interested in Abed and Troy's new friend, Lukka, who has a dark past.
Hey, I was just stopping by.
Here you go.
you tell us horrible things
Pssh! You should've given me one
a long time ago. I kicked your asses.
Sure, let's have a look here.
Why do you need me to make
Chang sign away his baby?
Oh. Now we're in the business of knowing
what's going on in Chang's head, huh? Huh?
I'm, um... I'm so sorry,
I'm from the Balkans.
So much killing.
You wish you were back over there,
defending the motherland?
What are you doing?
Did you look for a job?
Between you and me,
I don't Chang a lot of chicks.
So you're saying if I get a job
and my own apartment,
Where do you keep getting these?
how much do you know about him?
if we had something in writing.
Now, who wants to take a break
and build a birdhouse?
Come on, don't leave me hanging,
my main mentor.
I know you're not gonna make
a pregnant woman run.
Hey, who am I to stand in the way
I'm just here for my "Trekkies do
it in the final frontier" hat.
Though your flirtation technique
is hilarious, it's distracting.
Wait a minute.
Maybe we watch Kickpuncher 3:
The Final Kickening together.
Look, it's great you're trying
to get your life together,
I'm there when they're sick,
pick them up from school.
That's too bad.
What did that?
Wait, Kickmuncher 3?
We have video of you taking the DVD.
Now you're just ruining cool guys
Uh, how about the genocide
in the Balkans?
I pretended to have faith in you
to get you out of my apartment.
Wait, is your mom's name
You are a horrible human being.
I will never feel sorry for you again.
Hi, policemen. How much do you pay for
anonymous tips about kidnappings?
They're nipple guards for running.
Olympic athletes use them.
Did you know you can make an
ashtray using a snitch's forehead?
Cut it out, get
down the hallway. Come on.
Because if we put our heads together,
we could be rid of him for 20 to life.
I'm doing this for us.
Aired 10 years ago - Feb 24, 2011
Greendale prepares for the Vice President's visit. Dean Pelton organizes the first student elections, putting Annie against Jeff, Pierce, Leonard, and Star-Burns, among others. Meanwhile, Abed develops a friendship with special agent Robin Vohlers.
Is it too much to ask you to pitch in?
All right, stand to the side.
Stand to the side.
Well, if I see one, I won't.
This is Special Agent Keenlan
of the Secret Service.
Well, another one makes the cut.
three quarters of the Greendale area.
I believe this campus is a good place,
filled with good people
I think 9l11 was bad.
As we head into the first round,
there are eight candidates.
The wizard of wet wipes.
You're right, Troy.
I hear they're getting ready to start.
I'm sorry I asked you to hang my fliers,
but I suggest you drop out right now,
He owns a mattress store downtown.
You can look it up.
A reminder to all candidates,
your microphones are currently on.
And I will balance
the school's budget
who told me
that he is majoring in astronomy
They want me to do what I'll say.
Couldn't you just pick the sixth kid
every time? That's what I...
It looks like Vicki is out of the race.
Well, then I am too.
Are you saying Greendale is dirty?
Jeff Winger's got this thing in the bag.
No matter what you're told,
we have to clean the mold.
This election's become a race.
What are you doing?
Random spot check.
I'm thinking about smashing
I have an audio-visual presentation.
Wow, I'm shaking.
I fear a political career will shine
a negative light on my drug dealing.
Folks, who do you want
shaking Joe Biden's hand at 5 p. M?
I hate you. I hate this school.
Are you in here?
You knew. You didn't care.
isn't there a final round of debates?
It's the political showdown
of the century. Come on.
You were right the whole time.
Aired 10 years ago - Feb 17, 2011
When Pierce lands in the hospital, he believes he's dying and gives the study group specific gifts that are actually meant to torment them. Britta wonders what to do with a blank check for "charity," Jeff ponders the idea of meeting his father, and Troy gets to meet LeVar Burton, while Abed films the whole thing for a documentary.
But I'd just use them all on a million
signed photos of actor LeVar Burton.
And since in my absence,
It's all here, burnt into
this diskette by optical lasers.
You're the selfless one
in the group, right?
I don't wanna die in a place like this.
You think you're giving money
to people that need it,
- He'll see Jeff next.
- But you're not...
Are you ready
to be bequeathed upon, Jeff?
Most recently, residing in Dorchester.
Currently sitting in a Town Car
And so it is bequeathed.
I've decided not to listen to it.
What if he is coming?
What are you gonna say to him?
Wish I could relate but, like my son,
I'm a closet homosexual.
Well, what do I know?
I'm Jeff Winger's dumb gay dad.
I'm looking for Troy Barnes.
I told Pierce a thousand times
He's not coming.
Well, are you more familiar with me
from Star Trek or Reading Rainbow?
You gave me a tiara,
what does it mean?
I did it, I gave away the money.
Why do you keep trying to record
us bad-mouthing each other?
I think it stems from when I was...
The Deadly Art of Illusion
bull****, I will beat you.
Hey, you know,
I assumed that Troy was a fan,
That's all you've got?
It's not that I'm selfish, it's just that
I'm really stupid with my money.
Could you imagine bouncing
a check to Kunta Kinte?
See? I'm waving.
They're your true family now.
sometimes you hit a speed bump,
and sometimes you hit it so hard,
Helped make him a better man.
Aired 10 years ago - Feb 10, 2011
Troy and Abed compete for the attentions of the college librarian, while Britta strives to be progressive and befriends a fellow female student whom she believes is gay. Meanwhile, Jeff finds himself reluctantly hosting an impromptu party at his apartment when Professor Duncan invites himself over to watch a soccer match.
Why does everyone leap
to defend that band so aggressively?
You know what Pierce
probably needs more than anything?
This is a fight. We are fighting.
God gave you a British friend
and a massive TV for a reason.
I ain't hurting.
And you wanna keep this going, right?
We're both interested in taking you to the dance.
We are also best friends.
but questions like that can make you
seem a bit homophobic.
Or should I just treat her
like a normal person?
But it's cool
that you're friends with one.
Guess what, Annie.
fanny means "vagina," right?
Uh, go use the landline.
Yeah, you can tell people.
They've probably never seen
a straight girl and a lesbian
Oh, nice call, ref. Bite my banger.
Don't tell that to Magnitude.
That about does it.
So I think it's time for you to choose.
Hey, we both agreed to this. We're
both comfortable with each other.
Cool. You can have this, then.
Heh. Oh, I'm sorry.
So before this goes further, you
have a choice to make, my friend.
So curious about one thing.
Hm. I know.
I thought you quit drinking, Duncan.
False alarm on that one.
What am I, a homophobe?
I don't care about people's preferences.
For the record,
I never thought you were cool.
Well, when she was gay,
What the hell?
Okay, don't get mad, don't get mad.
Oh, so wasted and sleepy.
but you have four hermit crabs
in your bathroom sink.
Magnitude. Pop, pop.
I actually started to have fun
until that maniac tried to move in.
Aired 10 years ago - Feb 03, 2011
Abed invites "Fat Neil" to play a game of Dungeons & Dragons with the rest of the study group, hoping to boost his confidence, after Jeff becomes concerned about him being a loner. When Pierce finds out he was not invited, he joins anyway, disrupting their plans.
You guys suddenly wanted to play
Dungeons & Dragons?
Neil has a character named Duquesne
that he's been playing for years
It's my turn? Oh.
Um, what do I do, roll dice?
Yeah, I bet you did.
Okay, hi, I'm "Lavernica."
Magic user, baby. What?
I draw my plus-three Sword of Duquesne
and attack in a 180-degree arc.
First of all, gay.
Second of all, stupid.
And you remembered to let fatty
sit in my chair.
I think you do.
Just put me in the stupid game now.
I go to the naked man
and I give him my cloak.
Still your turn.
Really? Maybe I'll wipe my ass with it
and throw it off a cliff.
Now come back
and give Neil his sword.
Can you give Neil a new sword?
He's been using that line since he was 5
years old to get an extra slice of pie.
and giving me that look you give me
like I can't get erections.
Our new goal is
to find him and kill him.
If that's sarcasm, I can't tell, because
everything in this game is silly. Um...
And so it was that the group
began to describe themselves walking.
Beleaguered gnomes hurry
with mead for the thirsty elves.
Hello, my friend and brother.
Please don't report me for execution.
Oh, no, no, I didn't mean that.
I had to carry it
all the way from my car.
I flirt back.
I'm Hector the Well-Endowed.
The elf maiden, thoroughly satisfied,
promises you a flock of Pegasi.
- Thank you.
- You get close to take the sword.
Who did this to you, Gnome Waiter?
I never saw his face.
I wouldn't expect you
Are you familiar with the Amburg
region of the Edylmann river basin?
an all-powerful red dragon, crashes
through the trees into the clearing.
Scream what I told you to scream.
Fine, Pierce, you win.
Just kill us and end this.
- Oh, right, cry.
I've got some fat news
for you, Fat Neil.
So call him Skinny Neil.
He's not that skinny.
Aired 10 years ago - Jan 27, 2011
Annie convinces the group to put on a middle school anti-drug production, but finds it continually derailed by Pierce's efforts to give himself a better role. Meanwhile, Chang attempts to connect with Shirley, while a prank involving Britta's phone puts Jeff in an awkward situation.
I don't know if you know this, but I did
TV commercials for Hawthorne Wipes,
He's on every page of this thing, and...
I'll see you tomorrow.
Can't wait to see you.
Are you really wearing a cat costume?"
How could you think
that's a good idea?
This is where I live. It just happens
to be above a marital aid store.
Every penny from babysitting,
every birthday check.
We're both realists. We're both cute.
You know, I wanna help, Annie.
Oh, no, no, no, Pierce.
You know what, you should
do that line you improvised.
One rainy day, my son Pierce and I
were taking a stroll
Well, then you should've done better
in your damn audition.
Okay, guys, remember, the most
important thing is to have fun.
And who uses Wite-Out anymore?
Let's give Jeff
the zabadazooey line
I think I put it back in my pocket after
I wrote you that check yesterday. Ahem.
Okay, our volunteers are handing out
drug-free baseballs! Huh?
I've been looking forward to this.
You are the coolest aunt in the world."
Abed, we screwed up.
You know that text we sent?
"Marcus, I made a mistake.
I texted the wrong person last night."
"I'm drunk too. On lust."
Don't call me honey, honey.
And if this baby...
Well, that answers my question. Jeff
Winger is sexy even in a coffin. Hmm.
I got this, Annie.
I don't think that's right, Drugs.
Nobody asked you, Crayon.
Do kids ever seem like
they're getting the message?
- Who invited the nerd from the beehive?
- Ha, ha, ha.
They want more.
I gotta go back out there.
It just wouldn't make any sense
in the flow of the show.
Bzzz. Getting rid of Drugs
was a great "ibee-a."
Yo, pass it this way.
The only reason we did this
was for you and your stupid ideals.
who just spent intermission eating
nothing but Charleston Chews. Thank God.
We just created
50 potential meth-heads.
We want Drugs! We want Drugs!
I'm gonna deep-fry your dog
and eat your mama's face.
Aired 10 years ago - Jan 20, 2011
The group members debate whether to add Annie’s crush, who recently enrolled at Greendale, or Senor Chang to the group.
Shirley’s ex-husband comes back into the picture, and she has big news for everyone.
I hope he didn't drive his car
into another marathon.
Why would she be with Chang?
Troy, I'm your roommate.
I can keep a secret.
Greetings, welcome to your
second semester of anthropology
but I wasn't sure
how to find Greendale sober.
Also, there's gonna be
more than one diorama.
You're taking anthropology?
You made it sound so fun.
It means he likes me, right?
Why wouldn't he?
Speaking of creepy,
I just realized.
So unfair to so many people, right?
He came to spend the day with me.
Isn't he handsome?
How do you know it's the right one?
Because I'm pregnant, okay?
So help yourselves to Tropical
Skittles, cigarettes or mouth wash.
Guess it's no surprise,
after working on it.
and all the children
have removed their outfits
His mind is like a fortress.
Now imagine your teeth are a uterus, and
the parsley is a half-Chinese baby.
I spell kettle corn with a Q-U.
We didn't know how to reach you.
That's not true. That's a lie.
It's not even clever. You keep
using it as the word "change."
Rich is also board-certified
What? What's your case?
Stalling. No, Annie. In fact,
you're gonna wish I was stalling.
What do they have in common?
When he talks, he over- and
under-emphasizes words at random.
Nay, flaunts, proudly,
It's on the surface.
with a PhD in Being Swell and
a masters in Everybody Loves Me?
Who's voting for Chang?
If you don't vote for Rich,
I'll shatter your world.
You may be pregnant with his baby.
No, no, no. Mm-mm.
I could hear you in the background.
I think that this is a good time to go.
Sorry not everyone is as in love
with Dr. Do-No-Wrong as you are.
I wish I could give you an answer
that makes sense.
Since when do you want him
in her life?
Look, I'm not mad at Shirley.
Oh, yeah. Keristina.
Looks like I'm gonna be
a daddy again.
Aired 10 years ago - Dec 09, 2010
Abed wakes up in stop-motion animation making him believe that the group must re-discover the true meaning of Christmas. With the help of Professor Duncan, the group explores Abed's winter wonderland and soon discovers the truth behind Abed's madness.
# Tragic day gone wrong #
You promised not to do that.
With your permission, I'd like to put
you into a state of Christmasnosis
Hands on the table.
Now it's leaving the floor
as the walls and the ceiling fly away.
Its atmosphere is 7 percent cinnamon.
Baby Doll Shirley.
# Accompany me
on a journey with me #
stay between the gumdrops.
Abed, did you say
my Christmas self was a baby?
It's not like I'm that thin
and graceful, right?
So I would appreciate
a level of respect
Now we're talking.
# Thought that Christmas
was her own ##
Everyone stay perfectly sincere.
Humbugs are attracted to sarcasm.
Guess I'll have to go get laid.
# Christmas needs more presence
Than a haircut in a box ##
from Britta Perry.
- Man, it is cave-like in here.
- What do you mean, cave-like?
and I'm seeing
my 10th Christmas.
There's an oil painting of a forest
above the sofa.
Like I said,
I came for the cookies.
# Wires with fraying ends #
Speaking of real,
this has been great.
Every year, we sit and watch
Rudolph, the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
We're in the study room,
and I'm not a Christmas wizard.
- Oh. Now we're losing him.
- I'm on the roof of the train.
You're very clever,
And we're helping our friend
find the meaning of Christmas.
It's depressing there
this time of year.
Good job, Pierce.
Left where you dropped it
on the floor of your dorm.
New family. New life.
This is what Christmas
does to people.
You are enabling a delusion.
Works every year.
Aired 10 years ago - Dec 02, 2010
It is Troy's 21st birthday, so the group decides to hit the bars. While Britta and Jeff are drinking too many cocktails, Shirley is taking down incriminating pictures of herself, Annie is embracing her fake identity and Abed gets into a deep conversation with another Sci-Fi lover.
I'm taking you to L Street.
- It's my birthday.
- Unlike L Street, which is douchey.
All you think about is yourselves.
Think about me.
Real, it just won't be yours.
I will see you at the Red Door.
I don't need people helping me
do normal things
What's your friend doing
with other people's IDs?
- Howdy, y'all.
- I'm Caroline Decker.
It's either got a gross name or an
ironically fancy one, possibly both.
The women are your problem, and the
men are going to The Ballroom.
Troy, you're entering the next
chapter of your life.
Ugh. You've made that clear, Shirley.
Another Macallan, neat.
Vodka, neat, four olives.
Just drifting, floating.
Spitting in the wind.
Annie, don't accept any drinks.
What do you think you might like?
Actually, I'll have a root beer
instead of that water.
You're a fan of the sci-fi
original series Farscape.
Back in Corpus Christi,
they call me Capricious Caroline.
At most, what you want,
two drops of spring water.
The forced starkness
of that drink order
Classy. Way to show
Troy the ropes.
I think the wormhole
Crichton fell through
What kind of wormhole could
move you one place to another
Annie's the one that plans things,
She's got the next 15 years of her life
all mapped out
The fourth season, when you watch...
Okay, um, what's your name?
and never pick up on the fact
that a man is hitting on you?
Hey there, what you been up to?
Come on, don't feel bad.
This makes us like you way more.
It's my birthday.
Give it to me.
I can't get out of your way.
My big boy. Big, big boy.
Oh, is this my car?
- Yeah, L Street, exactly.
- That's the Red Door, stupid.
- It's the same bar?
Stop, just stop.
Got it. Duh-doy.
Aired 10 years ago - Nov 18, 2010
When Dean Pelton starts checking class schedules, he discovers that Jeff has listed a class that doesn't exist. Abed and Troy build an elaborate blanket fort.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
Well, here we are,
Professor Professorson's office.
I've spent a whole year
studying conspiracy theories
That's how stupid
Jeff thinks other people are.
Wow. You really had me
going there for a second.
but we changed it when
we were fleeing from the Nazis.
Well, I have to take this.
Thank you for indulging me, dean.
out with this audit,
Here's the thing, though:
I've never seen that guy in my life.
Who was that?
I don't know.
Oh, sure. Oh, I'll just blow it off.
I'll just blow everything off.
You could, Pavel.
Hey, so do you know anything
about Greendale's night school?
if I could borrow
a faculty directory.
Yes, you are making me do work
for my fake conspiracy class.
I stole these
from my son's house.
So this is night school, but
where's Professor Woolley's class?
What class are you teaching tonight?
I think he went this way.
But afterwards you should really
check out our civil rights museum.
Every student, every teacher,
Then one day, I invented a fake
course to get a free credit.
And a very familiar feeling
is starting to come over me.
so that I could correct
my past mistakes, ride dinosaurs.
I don't know what you mean.
Oh, I think you do.
That character was killing me.
I'm calling the dean right now
and giving him a piece of my mind.
Jeff, what do you have in mind?
Here he comes. Get set.
Why did you shoot the dean?
Well, he shot you.
But, Jeff, I only did it
because I love you.
Afraid crazy Annie
would go crazy for you?
If you love Jeff Winger so much, why
did you conspire with me against him?
Do you understand
what a conspiracy is?
Aired 10 years ago - Nov 11, 2010
Annie's favorite pen goes missing, and she suspects that someone in the group took it. Then study room is put on lock down, and Jeff starts conducting the investigation. Troy and Abed are especially anxious to get out of the room in order to make it to the Greendale Puppy Parade in time.
I know I brought it,
and now it's gone.
did you take Annie's pen
Hasta la later.
I'd very much mind, Annie.
Yeah, come on.
Yeah, come on, just drop it.
seized and disintegrated
by cowardly groupthink.
The Puppy Parade is starting
on the quad. Better come quick.
Actually, it's one-sided.
That's the point.
Let's rustle through your tampons and
wallet so we can apologize to you.
That doesn't make sense.
Your ass sense.
- Please forgive him.
- For what?
"Side effects, verbal dysphasia
and octopus loss."
Okay, all right, all right,
So, pen thief, we understand what
happened, and we forgive you.
We have to accept that no one
has the pen, don't we?
Yes. Is it me, or has it become
really obvious that Jeff took the pen?
Yeah, it's me. I can't make it.
If nobody else has this pen,
it means you realized you had it
He shredded my backpack.
He freed my pet monkey.
why is my name in here?
Oh, my God. Are you charting
our menstrual cycles?
I noticed it was happening
more often with you three.
Thought I'd have to
suffer through a Puppy Parade.
Uh... No, thank you.
What did the Christian woman
think would happen?
- Pierce, you didn't need to do that.
- Yes, I did.
Guys, this is a terribly childish way
to handle this kind of situation.
And I hope whoever stole that pen
enjoys it in hell.
Can we just forget it?
It's not a principle anymore?
In fact, assuming that one of us
does have the pen,
Or are you scared if you do,
my pen will fall out?
What does she mean usually?
All right, end of the road.
This is how super villains
What's your hurry?
I'm clothing myself.
And maybe that's why
you took my pen?
Have we not gotten to a place
free of judgment yet?
so they stay warm while the volunteers
hand out puppy-sized hats.
I wish I could just find it
behind my ear.
Aired 10 years ago - Nov 04, 2010
After a classroom smackdown with a group of "mean girls" led by Meghan, Britta, Shirley, and Annie bond with Abed by turning him into the ultimate "mean girl." Meanwhile, Jeff and Troy embrace a zen-like spirituality under the guidance of a
groundskeeper when they come across a secret trampoline on campus. Determined to uncover the source of their new bliss, Pierce ends up taking a disastrous turn on the trampoline and lands in the hospital.
I wear contacts, but I couldn't find
them without glasses, which I wear.
Oh, sorry, we didn't know,
but now we're sitting here, so...
You know what? We're good people,
so we will find seats elsewhere.
Or whose sleeves are pushing
her fat toward her elbows?
It's Wednesday. Sometimes
I eat in Jeff's car. Don't tell him.
In my line of work?
A multimillion-dollar injury suit.
Second, no double bouncies.
Which is weird.
Like a muffin. Clever. You guys said
it's rude to focus on imperfections.
Okay, I love Abed so much.
I know, it's like he's one of the girls.
Okay, I beg your pardon, geek?
You look like you're smuggling
a lime and a coconut.
This cafeteria is hereby declared
a Bitch-Free Zone.
But you guys are sure it's not bad?
Isn't bad when doing it to bad girls.
What's up with you guys?
Why are you acting like that?
to have words
with a certain something.
You hear that?
Jeff's a bitch too?
Okay, that is it.
What are you hiding from me?
blow that up a little? Enhance.
Um, excuse me, girls,
you're sitting in our seats.
No, but that top insulted our retinas.
Your face is puffy,
your eyes look like buttons.
Mm-hm. Good point, Annie.
Mm-hm. You told him.
This is our place of peace.
Please, you're doing it all wrong.
Bangs aren't covering anything.
What are these?
We've been looking for you all over.
Where are you going?
Guess it goes to prove
what I already knew:
A place free from darkness.
Purity that demands exclusion
isn't real purity.
My white guilt
is doing somersaults.
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 28, 2010
Pierce and a few other Greendale students ingest a biohazard substance at the school Halloween Party, causing them to exhibit flu-like symptoms and begin turning into zombies. It is up to the rest of the gang to save themselves and the school when Dean Pelton locks them in with the zombie-infected student body.
I don't get it. How do you do it?
Thank you, Rich.
You're quite a banana.
what I bought
at your surplus store.
I need you to listen to me
Holy crap, Leonard's a zombie.
Guys, I hate to be the "we've
got company" guy, but...
- Okay, did we lose anybody out there?
It's a rabies-related pathogen affecting
the prefrontal cortex of the brain,
than the island you were
grown on, Chiquita MD.
is spread through bites.
Why six hours?
We have to do something for them.
Do something for the zombies?
I'm not Ripley, Abed.
I'm a cool, sexy Dracula.
Followed by cold sweats,
muscle spasms, high fever.
I was bit 10 minutes ago and I'm f...
- Head for the stairs!
- Look out.
We have to go help them.
Just so you know,
I've always loved Peggy Fleming.
Get in. Get in.
All the more reason to get this ironed out.
You called me a nerd.
This is not "pretend playtime,
save the world" time.
He doesn't wanna dirty his suit.
You're stretching it!
Troy, make me proud. Be the first
black man to make it to the end.
Give me the keys. People are gonna get
brain damage if someone doesn't help.
What big fists you have,
in your face.
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 21, 2010
Shirley asks for Abed's creative input for a religious film; Pierce is recruited by a group of students his age.
Pierce has been
acting out a lot lately.
- Hey, you didn't pay for those.
That's what you're
supposed to look at.
We're sitting over there.
I can see!
"Very nice meeting you guys."
You know, being
raised by TV and movies,
like that video of the
kitten falling asleep.
See, in the filmmaker's film,
Jesus is a filmmaker
Filmmaking beyond film.
Does this mean you don't
want to work on the movie?
Except if the dean comes in,
and then it's bingo.
- Excuse me, mister?
- What, Pierce?
the kingdom of heaven is open all
week, Jesus and me were... oh!
Oh, great! You blew the take!
It's totally meta.
I heard some theaters are
gonna show it in reverse.
and it both is and isn't
part of the movie!
Okay, yeah, ooh, it's meta now.
Why don't you all
stop confusing Jesus
"He who unites himself with the
lord is one with him in spirit."
Pierce is smoking cigars.
You're hanging out with Leonard?
Well, Leonard is not a
part of this study group,
Well, I'm not gonna do it.
You're old and you
don't give a damn.
- The dean has got a date.
- What a lovely couple.
We could get into some
serious trouble here.
invoking the separation
of church and state.
Is superman returns?
That's true. It's Abed.
Richard flew zeroes
during the big one.
Wait a minute.
What about Richard?
There are no takes.
There is no viewer.
but I need your help.
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 14, 2010
Dean Pelton asks the study group to clean and refurbish the Greendale flight simulator. After an accidental launch, Abed must navigate a safe return.
you will find the school pride
in your hearts.
I expect this craft
to be squeaky clean
We should take a coffee break.
Let's all get coffee.
My dad never let me.
He had a grudge against restaurants,
Our teen years, right, everybody?
If you love Greendale so much,
why don't you marry it?
It was the '80s. Everybody
who made this was on cocaine.
Please find a seat, strap yourself in
and wait for Mission Control.
I'm not strapping into a coffin.
We gotta get out of here.
This is part of the simulation, right?
You guys, forget it.
Whoever's towing us can't hear us.
Hey, when you go fishing,
sometimes you catch a boot.
although it is possible...
when we get back,
I am going to step on you.
In a moving canister with no phone
and no GPS
You can get that window open
by doing the simulation.
Guys, we can get the window open
if you man your terminals
I hate to pull rank on you, but I
need you to man your station, Jeff.
My readings indicate
you're going to die alone.
I knew it. I knew it.
Kentucky One, copy.
Kentucky, come in, Kentucky.
This is the maximum distance
from Greendale we can drive
Looks like you've circled restrooms
and truck stops, there's another one.
they're locking him up in the back.
When what happened?
that he would get me in if I helped
sabotage Greendale's launch.
but I respect myself too much
to let you hate my school.
We earned the right to pick on
Greendale every day by going there.
Now feast your eyes on the wonders
of the cosmos.
We owe you an apology.
He kept not seeing it.
I mean, it was driving me crazy.
You sound good.
- Stop it.
but they thought I was doing
product integration for KFC.
Greendale beating City College
into simulated space.
you will lose
more than a Winnebago.
Abed, construction on Spring Road.
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 07, 2010
When Pierce's mother dies, the group helps to comfort him. After putting Jeff in the hospital, by one of her class pranks going awry, Professor Bauer takes a leave of absence and Professor Duncan attempts to take over her Anthropology class.
He won't even let us have
a memorial service.
The point being, death needs
to be coped with, not ignored.
You guys make fun of me
for not caring about religion.
You're free from the burden
of your earthly body.
I heard there was a drunk limey
teaching this class.
It is the single largest
disaster in recorded history.
Right. Well, we still like them.
Heh, heh, heh.
I can't be the first person to tell you
that the temple doesn't last forever.
I need to be alone.
There is no God!
Thank you for wising us up.
that they have a sock at home
with your name on it.
I'm raising less money because
I'm not jump-starting date rapists.
I'm sure that thing was free, right?
Energon doesn't grow on trees, Jeff.
You are drunk and stupid.
which we as a species are cursed
with knowing, resulting in...
since I don't know and the book
for this class is expensive?
It is a new way of looking at the world,
- It's okay to ask questions.
- I have a question.
which, according to scripture,
tastes like Hawaiian Punch.
Yes. Yes, it is. Just go with this.
They're all feathery and pelican-y.
I love them.
Hey, jerk. You're stupid.
Give me money. I know more than you.
My sweaters keep shrinking.
What happened in class today?
I've suffered. I've denied myself.
I want my doughnuts back.
No, that wasn't what I was...
Pierce says there's this 69th flavor
I need to try. I am excited.
Surprise. Welcome to reality.
Welcome to death.
Sorry, I almost arched my back a little.
I know you hate that.
Oh, yeah? You think this is funny?
You think it's funny?
Is that what you were doing
in the garage, you silly goose?
Gone forever and that's how I like it.
We're supposed to fill it with every
mistake and miracle we can manage.
you'll see it was made in China.
Aired 11 years ago - Sep 30, 2010
Jeff falls into old habits after reconnecting with Alan (Rob Corddry), a former law firm colleague; Abed, Annie and Troy look for dirt on Alan.
Anyone that's been in a team
You depress me.
Look, we'll get back to you.
Shouldn't we be happy that
Jeff found an old friend?
Then either that man's life
is worth less than your time,
I can reach into a man's soul
and unravel it with one tug.
I do. I really, really do.
I don't like how much drinking
and carousing they do.
He might have done it to Jeff,
but I can't say what it is.
He doesn't recognize me because
my hair's longer, my skin's clearer
but that's circumstantial. Any other
meaningless conspiracy theories?
I used to run full-speed
through the boundless wilderness
The stakes have never been higher.
There. That ought to keep you
going till Christmas.
Oh, um... Hey, when you talk
to him, will you mention me?
Actually, that was me.
As a matter of fact, Jeff,
we were invited.
- And to show you we can be cool.
- Hey, is that Jeff Winger?
Fourth floor, 470.
Ted, stop hitting
on my date. Ha, ha, ha.
that our team is not gonna make it
to the pop-and-Iock-a-thon?
Chloroform. The credit card doesn't
work, the chloroform does.
I'll tell you what, Jeff.
You're the best liar I ever employed.
And after all the dust and the custody
was settled, the guy I really admired...
We are a special breed
Did you know that if I sleep
with Philip once a month,
She's a stripper.
Life sued her and she lost.
- Excuse me.
Stop yelling! You got caught!
You're the one yelling.
I don't understand.
Who is she?
One can only imagine what is driving
him to push himself to such limits.
My body hurts.
You probably know it was someone
here at the firm who turned you in.
Aired 11 years ago - Sep 23, 2010
As the new semester begins, the study group gathers to tackle Anthropology 101; Jeff struggles to establish decorum with Britta and Annie; Señor Chang decides to enroll as a student so he can join the study group.
Being fearless, honest,
speaking from your heart.
It's forgotten, Jeff, jeez.
I'm not some love-struck teenybopper.
How about not calling me anything?
Ancient weaponry. Genital mutilation.
This subject's talking my Chang-uage.
Why are you mining my life
for sitcom scenarios?
and this semester I will guide you
to the threshold of your humanity
of no more than eight,
and if you can, mix up the races.
Half a hat, saves money.
Keep dreaming, Winger.
Same way you did Britta.
Man, you got some passionate fans.
Eh. It'll blow over.
High on my own drama?!
Not every woman, not the one
that deserves to be with you.
Okay, more of my urine for me.
Your tribe's assignment for tomorrow
is to tell me which tool that is.
More than anything in the world.
- I don't believe you.
- Why, don't you want me to?
Would you consider spinning off
with me? We could open a hair salon.
I hadn't thought about it that way.
Oh! Look at how they walk.
I'll show you the tool that's
most important to our survival,
I got it, I got it, got it.
Jeff Winger, will you marry me?
# And Abed hired an Irish singer #
Shirley, since you have clearly failed
to grasp the central insipid metaphor
Oh, please, I never loved you.
Wow, is that your lame attempt
to try and pass the hot seat to me?
He thinks all dogs are boys
and all cats are girls.
You know, it's very "season one."
What does that mean?
Come on, I know you and Britta did it.
Let's dive in and hear the results
of your assignment.
And the reason I know
respect is a tool
And without each other,
we'll go extinct.
Combining all nine tools,
you get this,