Aired 14 years ago - May 11, 2006
In the season finale, Dunder-Mifflin holds a Casino Night in the warehouse to benefit charity. While Michael faces the task of juggling two dates, Jim is forced to ponder the reality of transferring to the Stamford branch and what that means for his relationship with Pam.
I try not to think of it
as lagging behind.
But, we're having our
Casino Night tonight,
Jan and I understand each other.
then you should concentrate
Well, then they need our money
more than ever.
And it's in our dangerous warehouse.
And it's a school night.
I hate, so much about the things
that you choose to be.
- Wait, canine AIDS ?
- No, humans with AIDS.
Pam, these are people who have
never given up on their dreams.
and Dunder Mifflin is four years
into a seven-year lease.
I taught Mike some phrases to help
with his interracial conversations.
Your mom would love that.
We actually don't play
in public very often.
Being with him just takes away
all the stress of planning my wedding.
I look at it as a practice run
this charity thing in our warehouse.
Jan Levinson, I presume ?
Okay then. I will...
I'll see you tonight.
- Sounds great.
- Well, I'll see you tonight.
Codename ReMax is here.
No sign of Lan Jevinson.
- A drink would be good.
Billy, your nurse is hot.
And the disabled. Welcome all!
I'm sorry. He can't, sir.
He's gone all in.
I expect to do very well tonight.
- What ?
- Jan's here.
That's good stuff.
Thank you very much. It was fun.
So, how long have you
and Michael been, um...
One beer, and one 7 and 7
with eight maraschino cherries,
- So close, so close.
You want to play again ?
Dude, you will not be sorry.
I drove two and a half hours
to get here.
very late and...
The, evening's chip leader
It's okay. I'll see you at home.
Can I talk to you about something ?
Probably not good timing.
I know that, I just...
Aired 14 years ago - May 04, 2006
When Michael takes over conflict resolution duties from HR, chaos ensues at Dunder Mifflin.
and then you just never
end up sending it.
would you get Angela and meet us
in the conference room, please ?
Can we go ?
I have a lot of work to do.
You... you would both lose.
The important difference here is
with win-win-win, we all win.
using "I" emotion language and
no judging, or "you" statements.
I don't like looking at it.
she can see it. Win-win-win.
And it is style three,
and it is not ideal.
I would like to see those please.
This, is from Kevin.
and wants a seat
facing the receptionist.
because everyone else
has had run in with Dwight.
Wait! If someone has
a problem with me,
Let's do it. And... okay.
Just one complaint.
I have this kind of big secret
I didn't file a complaint.
I was just talking.
That is not true.
Redact it. Redact it!
I didn't do it.
Then why is there a picture
of a white man on the door ?
And... also, Phyllis, Stanley says
that you cry too much,
And now it turns out
she complained about me to Toby.
You mean like your thoughts
and your feelings ?
Okay, Ryan, you told Toby that
Creed has a distinct old man smell ?
making sexually suggestive
remarks to Angela
Well, it saves time, you know.
One of us is out of here
by the end of today.
I could put in a good word for you.
'Cause I'll still be working here.
"I think Jim Halpert paid them to."
"in the woman's room.
When I went to save the child,"
'till he got used to the weight,
and then I just...took 'em all out.
"By the end of the day,"
The Japanese have this thing
called shiatsu massage
I have a girlfriend.
Actually, tomorrow's not good.
How about later in the week ?
Aired 14 years ago - Apr 27, 2006
Dwight plays the role of Volunteer Sheriff after finding half a joint in the Dunder Mifflin parking lot leading to an investigation. Pam gives Jim a play challenge where he must be silent until he gives Pam a can of Coke.
He requests a hearing from a judge
and obtains a search warrant.
It was one joint in
the parking lot, you know ?
'Cause I was half...baked!
I don't think Michael's
ever done drugs.
The chance to solve
an actual crime.
Why do you keep CC'ing me on things
that have nothing to do with me ?
Those are the rules of Jinx.
And they are unflinchingly rigid.
Drug testers are coming in a couple
hours to test everyone's urine.
but one of her friends started
passing around some stuff.
- No, you can't do that.
- I can do that. It is my office.
I mean, not everything, Jim.
So, I was looking so hot...
Thank you, Michael.
Everybody knows that
Cheech and Chong are funny.
from drug use at some point
in their lives.
Do you think that doing
alcohol is cool ?
Take a gander. How many of these
are you familiar with ?
I would like to test his blood
and his hair.
And tell us of something... tragic
Okay, you sure ?
The point I'm trying to make
with all of this, people,
Hi, Linda. Dwight Schrute.
Assistant Regional Manager.
So, I need you to do some work
on the St. Andrew's account.
Over the weekend.
Were you forced to do
drugs at this concert ?
You wanna work
at the urinalysis lab ?
Every morning he'd wake up at dawn
and make us biscuits with gravy.
I'd like a magazine.
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 30, 2006
As Kevin and the rest of the crew worry about Kevin's medical test results to see whether or not he has skin cancer, Michael gets angry because no one seems to have fun at the birthday party he threw for himself. Later, Michael takes everyone out to
the skating rink to get their minds off of Kevin's possible complications, and Pam and Jim go to the supermarket to pick up some presents for Kevin.
May I be in charge of the
party planning festivities ?
Let's get the party started.
Not the way I taught you.
Michael would like trick
candles for his birthday cake.
I'm returning your call,
you said it was urgent.
- And he had skin cancer too.
- Kelly, you know what...
I guess I forgot.
- Skin cancer is treatable.
This has arms.
Is that gonna be..
my mother hired a pony,
And my mother was rubbing cream
on me for probably three hours.
Stop it. Stop ! What is that ?
I probably care more than she does.
If I knew I had a week to live
would probably go to Europe...
Unfortunately, this item is on back...
I feel like we should
go get Kevin something.
- All right, what's the damage?
I can deliver food.
- Birthday party subs. My gift to you.
- What is this ?
Get whatever you want.
You can choke on it.
Party pack of M&Ms, his favorite candy.
I can't risk anything.
Well, when she comes back,
we'll do it again.
You dare me ? How old are you ?
Jim Halpert, price check
on fabric softener.
Good news. Did some research.
And laughter also.
I think you should just go home.
Take the rest of the afternoon off.
Get no time to spend
with your wife and kids.
And I'm thinking that the next time
you're in the shower,
- Have you heard anything yet ?
- No, not yet.
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 16, 2006
A routine office day is changed when children come to Dunder Mifflin for "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." Michael is surprised when he strikes up a friendship with the five-year old daughter of his sworn enemy, Toby. Pam is desperate to befriend her colleagues' offspring and a misunderstanding puts Ryan under Stanley's thumb
She is turning into a stone cold fox.
I've never heard of anyone
rebelling against their fun uncle.
Can you pull that down there ?
Oh, my God. She is so cute,
I wanna die.
And I'm learning that fun for Kelly is,
- Really ?
Hey, you know what ?
Can I call you back ?
Wanna bring it over..
That is a train whistle.
- It's so lame here.
- You call your mom Meredith ?
There's a really cool coffee place,
Can I have your e-mail address ?
- No, no.
- Cause I'll help you find it.
This is a very special story
he takes his great sharp scissors out
and then cuts their thumbs clean off.
Nazi was a facist movement in the 1930s.
Right over here, let me show you this.
The paper is sent to us cut and
dyed from a paper manufacturer.
You're describing Office Depot.
- Say hi to the kids.
- Hi kids.
You know, there's something interesting
about me that you might wanna know.
I would like you to go to
my mother's house in Dixon City.
I'm already getting the
pizzas from Bernetti's, so...
You give 'em candy.
You let them live their lives.
Yes. That is Edward R. Meow.
Checking in with Chet. Doppler 7.
And no one can say
no to being my friend.
- Why not ?
I guess not.
That is my step mother.
who got suspended from school,
Is everything okay ?
Do you think, that it is too
late for me to have kids ?
Foster parent or something.
Hey, does Sasha have a godfather ?
- Yeah !
- Really ?
Aired 14 years ago - Mar 02, 2006
Dwight must confront his fear of public speaking when he is named Dunder-Mifflin's Salesman of the Year. To prepare for a big convention where he is set to give a speech, Dwight turns to Michael to guide him in his quest to conquer the fear.
Meanwhile, Pam gets wrapped up with wedding plans, but Jim has plans of a different sort: an escape route out of Dunder-Mifflin and Scranton, at least for long enough so that he doesn't have to witness Pam's wedding. While all of this is happening, the staffers battle it out over control of the thermostat.
And that can be kind of awkward.
- That's what she said.
- I don't get it.
And yes, it is a big speech.
Biggest of your life.
gives you proof of it.
And I misspelled,
in front of the entire school.
But, I can teach you enough so that
you don't embarrass me or the company.
I'm gonna take a trip.
I get here early every morning
so I can set the thermostat.
- A saleswoman has a vagina.
- It's a joke, Dwight.
- Could I have a copy of one of them?
- No, no, they would remember.
all of you are getting
bonuses for $1,000.
Cars have skidded off the
road into the safety railing.
- Why would this affect our bonuses ?
- They're unrelated.
And it was just horrible.
You saw the plaque, right ?
So I was hoping maybe you guys
would have some suggestions.
Okay, you know what ?
You do not want to go
to Amsterdam, trust me.
Because, I'm not
nervous in front of them.
Two years in a row I killed.
It was amazing.
And I WILL travel to New Zealand.
You know, I majored in
public speaking in college?
So, if you wanna do well today,
you gotta do what they did.
Like this one.
Originally given by Benito Mussolini.
Wow, it's a little bit bigger
than I remembered.
I've never ever seen
you take a sick day.
Good morning Vietnam !
And until Dwight comes up,
if he ever does,
I believe, that do such
a thing of that... nature.
I want a June wedding.
I've always wanted one.
Ryan, you should be more sensitive.
It's obvious she likes you.
All right, Dwight Schrute, everyone.
How long we have been
striving for greatness ?
It has been a lifetime struggle.
Jim eats the same ham and cheese
sandwich everyday for lunch.
No revolution is worth anything
unless it can defend itself !
Aired 14 years ago - Feb 09, 2006
The Dunder-Mifflin staffers join in kindergarten-like festivities for Valentine's Day while Michael heads to New York City for a conference with the corporate heads. After showing the documenters a tour of his favorite city, Michael accidentally
lets slip to the others at the conference that he and Jan hooked up, and he finds himself in hot water when Jan and the new CFO of Dunder-Mifflin hear the story. Back in Scranton, Pam becomes irked when she discovers that Roy hasn't gotten her anything for Valentine's Day, Dwight struggles to find a gift for Angela, and Kelley talks off Jim's ear about her rather desperate affections for Ryan, who is less than interested.
Aired 14 years ago - Feb 02, 2006
Jan holds a "Women in the Workplace" seminar at Dunder-Mifflin for the paper company's female employees. Michael, feeling more than a bit left out, decides to have his own "seminar" when he takes the male workers down to the warehouse.
Dwigt. Excellent idea.
Go to the warehouse.
A world that is teeming with sweat,
and dirt and life.
I think this is gonna work out great.
I'm so sorry about that.
- Darryl, what is your biggest fear ?
- My biggest fear is that someone will
And, uh, she's our receptionist.
Sort of a BrAngelina thing.
Thanks for the heads-up, Kev.
This is an important day.
A big day.
something that we know we're good at.
- I don't know. I thought that...
- No, okay, stop.
Yeah. No, yeah, definitely.
I want an SUV with three rows of seats.
So we need topics for conversation.
Now, we definitely live
in different worlds,
- I'll go.
- Stay, or...
Plant flowers on it, stuff like that.
where I could work with art
or graphic design in some way.
There's always a million
reasons not to do something.
playing with it like a toy.
It kind of gets under my skin, okay ?
Dress for the job you want,
not the job you have.
I just think it's insulting that
Jan thinks we need this.
That's so hard.
- Not literally.
- You say we're the same,
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Yeah, no.
- In my truck.
- Man, hook him up. Come on, man !
The cons are that everyone will
lose their job, Micheal. Everyone.
I just don't wanna have to tell them
something they're not gonna wanna hear !
but many women ask to go over it.
So... fumble means...
Like if Michael said
he got to second base with you ?
Something kind of cool. There's this
internship in graphic design
Are you married ?
At least you don't have kids.
You have no kids, right ?
- I... I have... essentially
- Excuse me.
They unionized in Pittsfield, and we
all know what happened in Pittsfield.
I don't know. It was just something
I read in this book when I was 12.
Just not... no big reason.
Aired 14 years ago - Jan 26, 2006
When someone soils the carpet in Michael's office, Michael sees it as a form of hatred towards him and realizes for the first time that not everyone may like him. Due to the odor of his office, Michael temporarily switches workspaces with Jim, and
while there, Michael reminisces of his pre-management days, reliving pranks with Dwight that he and Todd Packer played on the staff. Meanwhile, Jim realizes why Kelly sits alone in the back of the office as he plays messenger for a childish flirtation between Kelly and Ryan, and Pam tries to cope with the day without Jim to make her laugh.
That might be a little difficult
with the one computer.
You know, I used to sit right here ?
Start pretending to do work.
I mean, it only takes so long to measure
to make sure that clothes will hang up.
I worked side by side with a
fellow named Todd Packer.
Excuse me one second please.
Beyonce, pink the color,
Pink the person, hot dogs,
Oh, my God. He is so cute.
Please ? Please, Jim, please ?
Please, please ?
- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Michael.
- Sales rule !
- Yes !
I understand it. It makes sense.
Could have been done out of hate.
Could be done out of love
Hello, Rock 107, am I the 107th caller ?
And maybe when we get back, I can call
in sick, and get a four day weekend.
It's just that we're really
swamped over here Michael.
Right here, I'm going to
put a crisp $100 bill.
Where everybody can see it.
Very good. Nice doing business
with you. Thank you.
If you were on that crew,
you'd be fired like that.
- I thought it was you.
- Really ? I thought you.
You know what ?
Plus, I just, I think that picking today
was sort of taking advantage.
If the guilty person would just come
forward and take their punishment...
I don't know.
Or if she'd be cool just, hanging out ?
But don't tell him that, okay ?
I wasn't talking literally, Creed.
But it smells horrible.
Get yourself a monkey kidney.
So give me a call back.
Aired 14 years ago - Jan 19, 2006
When Michael slips some sly references about Pam in his conversations with Jim, Jim quickly tries to do damage control to make sure that no one else in the office finds about his crush on Pam, all while slamming himself with regret for ever telling
Michael in the first place. Jim goes to drastic measures, even bonding with Michael at a Hooters restaurant for lunch. Nonetheless, Jim's efforts do little to keep Michael from revealing the secret, but Jim smooths the situation over with Pam to make it seem like nothing more than a tiny crush in the past. Meanwhile, Dwight conducts an investigation about Oscar's mysterious absence from work, and what Dwight finds, though it goes way over his head, is surprising.
What difference does it make
that you're here ?
Ask for his symptoms, I'm on WebMD.
See you Monday,
unless you're still sick.
Because an office can't
Okay, I was thinking about
wearing it down.
Man, this must be torture for you.
- Who else knows ?
for as long as I possibly can.
So, I am no longer gonna be able
to head up spring cleaning.
Any updates on the "P" situation ?
Oh, I see. So,
Especially the mouth.
Tony the Tiger, you don't hear
that much anymore.
I gotta do some cleaning.
I should probably stick around here.
Oh, man. You should order milk.
- Bogie at three o'clock. Hi.
- Hey, I'm Dana. Welcome to Hooters.
I'll just have the ham and cheese
Sick. Like, lots of sniffling.
I don't know.
What do you like best about Pam ?
Her boobs, definitely.
"You do the hokey-pokey
and you turn yourself around,"
And it has been affecting
Jim, why didn't you tell me
that you had a crush on Pam ?
And my cell phone charger
from two years ago.
Rather than, I mean,
you know Michael.
Hope that's okay.
Ice skates. Shopping bags.
and in exchange,
you owe me one great, big,
Aired 14 years ago - Jan 12, 2006
When Michael burns his foot with his George Foreman mini-grill, he requires the entire office staff to work around his new injury. When the workers aren't so keen on obliging, Michael gets angry and calls in a man in a wheelchair to put out the
message that disabled people are people too. Meanwhile, Dwight acts stranger than usual, acting really nice and helpful towards Pam. It isn't until the end of the day when everyone realizes that the car accident Dwight was in earlier that day gave him a concussion (but was overshadowed by Michael's dramatization of his own burn), and Jim and Michael immediately take him to the hospital. Needless to say, Michael doesn't appreciate the extra attention that the doctors and nurses pay Dwight.
Normal would actually be good.
Well, seemed, uh, very important
to you earlier,
just want you to treat me
like you would
Pam, I am Assistant Regional Manager.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
- Where is my cornbread ?
- Here you go.
I know this Russian website,
No, I'm not gonna call Jan.
Help me !
And he needs to
clean me up a little bit.
I had scoliosis as a girl.
I am the only one here who has
a legitimate disability.
Seriously, are you learning
nothing here ?
Sorry I'm late. Somebody parked
in the handicapped parking space.
But it's hard for you, right ?
Because you're in a wheelchair.
How did you,
get in your wheelchair ?
- I don't really notice it anymore.
- Well, they do.
even if your blinkers are on.
Does anybody have any questions ?
We're not that different,
you and I.
You mean today ?
He stepped on a George Forman grill
I found the pudding cups
you wanted at a gas station
is capable of when you have
a powerful brain.
Okay, I think we need to take him
to the hospital, because...
- You can take my van !
- Oh, okay.
Wake up !
It's just hard to explain.
when you're within the sight
of the car gets the front seat.
- Where are we going ?
- Come on.
- I'm thirsty.
- Put that down.
- Just stop it !
- Stop spraying ! Gimmme the bottle.
Aired 14 years ago - Jan 05, 2006
Michael takes the entire Dunder-Mifflin staff on a motivational cruise aboard a party boat on Lake Wallenpaupack, but his planned presentation is bogged down by numerous distractions, including a dance contest, limbo, snorkel shots, and the pushy
Captain Jack. Also, Jim and Katy's relationship hits the rocks as Roy and Pam finally set a wedding date, which does more than disappoint Jim, and by the end of the night, Michael's motivational cruise doesn't go completely to waste when he shares a heart-to-heart with one of the workers.
We are going on a harbor cruise
of Lake Wallenpaupack.
Is it okay if I skip the cruise
and study for that ?
Well, just keep the tags on
and you can return it.
I am a great motivational speaker.
And I've incorporated a lot
of his ideas into my own course.
Now, on this ship
that is the office,
Let me just explain. I see the sales
department as the furnace.
I mean who saw
the movie "Titanic" ?
or I give you my next paycheck.
And they're singing
their ethnic songs. And...
Aye, aye, Captain.
Oh, uh, we have, uh...
one of the Globetrotters.
I'm also captain of anyone
who sets foot on this ship.
- Okay, so, um...
- Okay, so.
Now, on this ship, it's very easy.
Anywhere over the sides.
- What ?
- Please, okay ?
- Where'd you go to school ?
- Bishop O'Hara.
awesome, awesome is what we are
we're the football superstars.
When are you going to
start the, uh, presentation ?
Now, one important life preserver
in business is IT Support.
- Me, me, me.
When I was four,
now it's time for
the dance contest !
It is a primal art form used
in ancient times
Hey, come inside and talk to me.
Who's next ?
Come on, Pammy, come on, come on !
"Darryl, Darryl, Darryl."
Ah, see, this is of
O-kay, well obviously you don't
know anything about leadership.
Suppose your office
building's on fire.
When you were in the Navy,
I just wanted to clear that up.
I think enough is enough.
No, it was, it was Captain Jack.
I can marry you right now
as captain of the ship, huh ?
Do you think that'll ever be us ?
And there aren't enough
spaces on the lifeboats.
Aired 14 years ago - Dec 06, 2005
Michael hosts a Christmas party at the office, but somehow manages to decrease the holiday cheer when he changes the arranged secret Santa pairs to a game of "Yankee Swap," where everyone gives their pre-bought presents to a different, random
worker. To boost morale, Michael introduces vodka shots while the others compete for an iPod, Jim hopes that his sentimental present, meant for Pam, doesn't end up with Dwight, and Angela becomes enraged about Michael's party changes.
I got this for helping save
the company money
I want it to be a Playboy Mansion party.
Yeah, I know. Dammit.
Will you help me ?
That makes sense, because
he has elfish features.
I got Creed.
So I sorta went above and beyond.
All right !
- I could get some flares from my car.
- No, no
- You don't know that.
- Yeah, you left the price tag on.
What is in here ?
We are going to turn Secret
Santa into Yankee Swap !
I thought that was
called nasty Christmas.
Oh, shouldn't we...
I think this is going great.
That's like the creepiest
thing that I've ever seen.
It is almost a Christmas miracle.
It's already been stolen this round.
Pick something else.
See, I wanted somebody to take it.
How is that better than an iPod ?
Last gift, Kevin.
Pam, steal something
or pick the final gift.
Yes! There you go.
I want the teapot.
I think Yankee Swap was a big hit.
And I used the money to buy
something awesome. Sue me !
Unbelievable. I do the nicest thing that
anyone's ever done for these people.
-Yeah, that should do it.
- Cool, cool. Box it up.
Come on. It's a shamrock keychain.
And sinus infections can be cured by
making a tea, from green tea leaf stems.
Yeah, and I was going to get
you one of these for Christmas.
This is Christmas spirit.
As in spirits. Booze.
Here we go !
- Stanley Hudson.
- Bob Vance, Vance refrigeration.
- I had to I need a defense.
- Come on! Sean Alexander ?
We're running low on cups.
Do you want me to just run out and
No false modesty, my friend.
I figured, you know, you went to a lot
of trouble and that means a lot.
Is this the Boggle timer ?
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 22, 2005
Michael starts monitoring the emails sent out in the Dunder-Mifflin workplace, upsetting the employees. Meanwhile, Pam believes that the relationship between Dwight and Angela is more than just worker to worker, Jim throws an office BBQ at his
house in order to show his roommate the kinds of people he deals with everyday, and Michael, after annoying everyone at his improv classes, crashes Jim's party with a terrible karaoke number.
I will destroy, everything in my path.
I gotta erase a lot of stuff.
My friend is kind of into these
two girls that he works with.
Angela, Stanley, Oscar...
Hey, Angela. How's it going ?
approachable as one of the guys.
Crew that I am one of.
Everybody'd go, the athletes,
the nerds, the professors.
Maybe we can get him
to hide and wait somewhere.
- Hey there.
Oh, it's the best. It's the best.
- Oscar, you have big plans tonight...
- I'm on a call.
Charity. Bake Drive.
That stupid Battleship Galaxy.
Whatever it is that you're doing.
And I'll see you Monday.
And there is, ah, beer
available on the porch.
I always keep an extra set in the car for special occasions.
Do you want to go on a group tour ?
We were just about to leave.
And as much as you can, please refrain from touching things.
What is the most exciting thing that can
happen on TV or in movies or in real life?
You know what you did
Just get rid of all your
guns and give them to me.
No, no, no.
What are you...
Okay, let's call it a day.
There's soda inside.
Not so fast, fire guy.
Well, guys, I'd love to go to Bernie's
with you but I have an office party.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 15, 2005
Michael meets with all of his underlings to discuss their performance in the office so far. However, Michael focuses more on getting feedback about his relationship with Jan than whether or not the workers are doing their job. Later, a nervous
Michael plans to shuffle through the employee suggestion box to steal exciting ideas for his imminent discussion with Jan about his own performance, but that falls apart when Jan asks to sit in on the discussion. Meanwhile, Jim and Pam try to keep Dwight under the wrong impression that the day is Friday instead of Thursday.
then why would, why
would I not like that ?
Here's a little tip for your
I'm gonna actually be
asking for a pay decrease.
I did learn it on the streets.
- So, keep that going.
- Yay !
And I enjoyed that quite a bit.
Jan is calling me.
Maybe it wasn't so mutual after all.
because of what ...
That is an example of completely
That's my girlfriend.
Office romances are nobody's
business but the people involved.
in a folder, like an idea folder ?
Oh yeah. I think I remember that
from back when I first started.
Don't you mean constructive criticism ?
and I wanted to know what
you were up to tomorrow,
- Okay, bye-bye.
But wait, I'm still going to call you.
Not like wham, bam, thank you, ma'am.
This is a business question.
Please don't smell me Michael.
No. I went out and got drunk with
my laser tag team last night.
You told me to buzz you about the
suggestion box meeting when Jan was here.
So let's just, uh, read some
of these suckers, okay ?
Tom ? He worked in accounting
up until about a year ago.
You need to do something about your B.O.
If by me you are inferring
that I have B.O.,
I should maybe take the stairs,
Okay. Let's keep, let's keep going.
Yeah, who wants to
come in on a Saturday ?
I am awesome !
Oh God. Were you guys making out ?
Oh, wait. I would like
to discuss my raise.
I have never missed a day due to illness.
Oh, Michael, for God sakes.
So when we're done here, you guys
could go over to the Antler Lodge,
And that, is why I feel,
I deserve this raise.
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 08, 2005
When Michael and Jan try to nail down a potential new client, Christian, by taking him out to Chili's, Michael surprises everyone with what - or who - he does. Meanwhile, back at the office, Jim finds a semi-autobiographical script that Michael has
written called Threat Level: Midnight, and he, Pam, Kevin, and the rest of the Dunder-Mifflin workers have a great time acting it out. Later that night, Pam and Jim share their first unofficial date, complete with dinner (a sandwich), candlelight, and Dwight's pathetic fireworks display.
- Good luck Jan.
- Thank you.
Actually, they just don't get very
much work done when I'm not here.
This is what we're gonna do.
No, that's alright.
I want to leave straight from there.
Michael. We got divorced, okay ?
I thought we could start by going
over the needs of the county.
What do you say ? They are awsome.
- It's okay, I like jokes.
Yes, that is hysterical. Could you
start that one from the beginning ?
First guy says, "Well, I'm
an astronaut, so I drive a Saturn."
Oh, no! Oh my God, that's funny! I
And Phyllis, I would like you to
play Catherine Zeta-Jones.
that the warehouse chains
just can't match.
Inside the F.B.I., Agent Michael Scarn
sits with his feet up on his desk
Yes, I have acted before.
Agent Michael Scarn, you
lost some weight.
Agent Michael Scarn, you so funny.
A man sitting several seats down who
has a gold face turns to Michael Scarn.
And you're disgusting Dwigt.
But then Michael changed it to Samuel L.
Chang using a search and replace.
Well, some of us wanna
keep reading, so...
And so after watching my mom
go through so much pain,
Hey. So you're not gonna play.
She's not playing.
- Gould was stupid, right ?
- That's right.
But this is cool too.
Right down the street ?
I know the challenges that
this county's up against.
A gentleman does not kiss and tell.
It was great. I mean she told
me about her divorce.
And let you talk about her that way,
Could it be that Agent Michael Scarn
has finally found his Catherine Zeta ?
My question, do I do it as the man,
Aired 15 years ago - Nov 01, 2005
When Dwight embarrasses Michael by punching him in the stomach at work, Jim organizes a lunchtime rematch at Dwight's Dojo. Meanwhile, Pam becomes annoyed at Jim when he gets too physical with her, Ryan updates the emergency contact information on a secret mission, and Michael tantalizes Ryan when the boss gets a hold of Ryan's cell phone number.
But it's equally as
respected as a sensei.
Michael tends to procrastinate...
a bit whenever he has to do work.
But once a year, it all falls on
the same Friday. And that's today.
I want you to update all the
emergency contact information.
Well, the last pickup for
overnight deliveries is at 7:00.
Well, is that really a priority ?
Okay, well, she walks out.
Okay? What's your cell ?
You mean Neverland ?
You're making this up as
you go along, aren't you ?
where humans and robots can
peacefully coexist ?
Don't ever bring your
purple belt to work,
So that everyone could see that I am
capable of physically dominating them.
Could you practice on the forms ?
Well, Dwight's a purple belt. So...
Is your wife still your contact ?
When you're a jet, your're a jet
all the way, right ?
Sleeper hold. Bedtime for vato.
start coming in to work late and,
start having dentist appointments
- Just have Dwight punch you.
- Oh, yeah
"Oh, Bruce Willis, they're going to
leave him on the asteroid."
- Are you sure you're all right ?
then spent the rest of the
war in an allied prison camp.
- I don't know.
I haven't signed them, okay ?
Pam, I hate to break this to you,
- Like samouraï.
- Really, oh, is that it ?
Me punching you and
you hitting the floor.
Why don't you walk away
from the room, okay ?
The Albany branch is working right
through lunch to prevent downsizing.
Hey, put me down.
Put me down !
- Yes, sensei !
- Lot of rules. Lot of rules.
- Sweep the leg.
- I'm coming at you, man.
You have something...
Okay, break. Break. No holding.
Stop it. No.
Having lunch by the car.
First new message.
Todd F. Packer
And I will call the hospital.
Cut out the middleman.
I have the emergency contacts.
Aired 15 years ago - Oct 18, 2005
While everyone else in the office enjoys the spooky Halloween festivities and talks about the staff's costumes, Michael ponders who he should fire when the threat of downsizing becomes a reality and his boss orders him to fire one of his staff.
Meanwhile, Jim and Pam put Dwight's resume on job-searching websites, which may make Michael's job a little easier, and Pam encourages Jim to set his goals higher by applying for a better job, which makes Jim consider his friendship with Pam.
Okay, I have to fire somebody.
Yeah, well, look, what about me ?
This cost me $129.
- What are you implying ?
- All good.
Just, you know, find it.
Pretend that your jobs depend on it.
Bend It Like Beckham.
Three hole PUNCH !
Dwight is special.
Preferably Alaska, or India.
Although it does make sense
to fire the least popular.
You're right, I didn't
even think of him.
- Tell him to stop.
- Are you kidding?
Michael Scott here.
You know what ?
I'm gonna tell you what.
Okay. Okay. Okay-kay-kay-kay-kay. Okay
- To the ?
a satisfied customer posted online.
In fact I feel like part of what I'm
getting paid for here is my loyalty.
get a little frustrated when
I'm dealing with incompetence.
And it's definitely a step up.
- And I turned it down.
I think he keeps hoping that
someone's going to volunteer.
- Oh, you want me to be you?
And they're saying this has to be done,
I really have to take this Creed,
so it was really worth...
- Oh. That was like crazy. 'Cause I was
- Yeah, I know.
I, we're gonna have to...
You, you want something better.
Let's call Jan and fight this
thing together like the old days.
Yeah, I went hunting once.
Okay, well, I already picked you.
And you know that.
- God Bless you. You're a fine man.
Aired 15 years ago - Oct 11, 2005
The Office is forced into the parking lot for the day when a fire starts in the kitchen. To ease everyone's boredom, Jim suggests a game of ""Desert Island"" and ""Who Would You Do?,"" where certain staff members reveal a little too much
information about themselves. Throughout the day, Michael talks business with Ryan, leaving Dwight feeling left out.
He's like Batman, I'm like Robin.
This whole place is a tinder box,
it is ready to blow !
We've got smoke !
We've got smoke! SMOKE !
Oh! Kelly! Are you okay ?
Don't worry, I got you !
So, I let them out first,
I have a lawsuit on my hands.
We need to count off. Michael's
number one. Where's, where is he?
Well, he needs a
permanent number, right ?
Like, Stanley is the
crossword puzzle guy.
very important announcement.
Would you rather? Is our third game.
Listen up, I got some
theories, there's a...
- Third book.
Uh, it has to be a book Dwight.
and, in case I get bored,
Harry Potter and Sorcerer's Stone.
Right ? If I have to take out a client,
or I'm seen around Scranton in it.
The, the game is desert island movies,
not guilty pleasure movies.
I just got in. I applied, I go at night.
why have people been rethinking the
Microsoft model in the past few years ?
but I learned more about business,
It is ten times more expensive
to sign a new customer.
- I studying with the master, huh ?
- Why don't you go to business
and you know what, he's knows more
about business than you ever will.
so it's not the same thing, at all.
No, my all time favorite !
Because of people,
I love making friends.
I'm very successful, your coworkers
look at you differently...
Alright, let's move on.
Come on buddy, use words.
You know what you should do ?
You should quit.
Come on, people, you know
the rules of the game now
Kevin, hands down.
You're all gay.
- You can't go back in yet !
- Dwight don't !
Definitely, definitely, Jim.
I don't know, is there anybody else.
I better tell somebody.
they don't teach you how
to operate a toaster oven.
how to operate a toaster
oven in business school.
Aired 15 years ago - Oct 04, 2005
While Michael and Dwight are out of the office for the day trying to close a deal on a new condo for Michael, Jim and Pam arrange for the staff to participate in an ""Office Olympics,"" where the workers play strange, invented games (among them,
Dunderball, Hate Ball...and Pam Pong) that they usually play while the boss is out. At the end of the day, the festivities cheer up everyone - even the oblivious Michael.
- As my associate.
- Same thing.
No, I'm like Butch Cassidy,
and Michael is like
Dwight and I are headed to a big thing
- Maxim ? American Way ? Cracked ?
Ok, see you soon.
I... just... would you... put it up ?
do we really have
to go back to last quarter ?
Wait this goes back 2 years !
My sanctuary. My party pad.
Wait, no it's this one, right here.
oh noooooo, mister Bill, oooooooh.
So it's still an upgrade.
it's a nice old farm.
It's a very gay friendly neighborhood.
it's called work hard so
my kids can go to college.
I am going to put
a surround sound system,
- There's the problem, it's solved.
- Listen, listen, can you hear that ?
Games of the 1st
Dunder Mifflin Olympiad
And then I just need you
to sign here at this ara
- Ow 30 years !
- Ok, ok.
- Well this is it.
- Whenever you're ready.
A 30 year mortgage at Michael's age,
You have what is the national sport
of Icelandic paper companies,
The thing about Jim is,
So, who will be challenging Kevin
in flankerton ?
- Michael this is the unit you saw and...
- Where are all the hot people ?
It's sort of a common sense,
because if you are,
You will lose 7 000 $
if you walk away right now.
- This is fun, we're having fun !
- Totally having fun !
- flunkerton !
- Thank you ! Delegate from Iceland.
And that is why I am going to let you
move in to my third bedroom,
and he is rewarding me back
with 500 $ plus utilities.
my grandparents left me
a large number of armoires.
- We're friends.
and question can sometimes
I drive you car and you drive mine ?
This is what I get.
Well look 2 bathrooms would have
been nice, we just have but one.
- For a closing ceremony.
- What ? Oh my god !
You know you can always
refinance your mortgage.
You should grow candy.
Here they come !
Aired 15 years ago - Sep 27, 2005
Just as corporate tells Toby, one of the workers at the Scranton branch, to give a seminar on sexual harassment issues, Michael receives a visit from his obnoxious sales-rep friend Todd Packer. The two chauvinistic friends try to prove that the
office is not in need of harassment counseling, but only wind up making the situation worse, causing yet another zany day at the office.
So Rendal is nailing his secretary,
right ? and she's totally incompetent.
I didn't say it !
Meant to ask you
- Oh really ?
Forward it like it's hot. Old school !
Also he's divorced, so he's
really not a part of his family.
What are we supposed to do ? Scrutinize
every little thing we say and do all day ?
to not send out hilarious
e-mails, or not tell jokes ?
that he insists on making right now in
the middle of the day, so take it away.
A guy goes to a 5$ lady of the night,
what did you expect, lobster ?"
Find a killer joke that will just blow
everybody away at the ceminar later.
- What you've got ?
- Like a joke ? A knock knock joke?
All right, but you know,
Hey, so you don't have the
biggest package, don't feel bad !
I just wanted to say that just
my mum is coming in today.
- Great point.
- Thank you.
- I can go over it with you.
- I know, I know it's good.
Can we afford to lose e-mail
forwards ? Do we want that ?
Centerfold in a catholic schoolgirls outfit ?
- What about office romance ?
- Office relationships are...
- Yeah Meredith !
- No no Catherine,
she's actually here if you wanna
meet her, hold on one second.
What if she brought her "partner" into
work ? will that be crossing the line ?
Pam, you will be girl A,
and girl B will be...
Ooh, it's coming out of my mouth.Hey !
- Pam ?
- My mother's coming.
Where is the clitoris ?
Technically I am in human resources,
- you can ask for that.
- Good. Good. And...
That's the girl from that thing,
Yes, yes I did. Ok. But we
can talk about that later.
So you are the lawyer, Mr. O'Malley,
I know a lot of lawyer jokes.
You seem a little bit agitated
Michael what's the problem ?
- Do you need to see the video again, Michael ?
- No, I've seen the video.
but from here on out, we
can no longer be friends.
And in the future if I want to
say something funny, or witty,
You really think you can go all day long ?
You would have done the same,
you just didn't think of it first.
And motorcycle head injuries, workers
comp., and die appeal lawsuits.
You can't be too careful about what
you say, more money more problems.
- Hey handsome.
- You look great.
Aired 15 years ago - Sep 20, 2005
It's time for the "Dundies," Dunder Mifflin's annual awards banquet (held at the neighborhood Chili's), and the staff must endure the excruciating performance of their inept emcee, boss Michael Scott.
- Ok, now I'm laughing at you !
- Well, you could take the bus, you could
work on the way here, sleep on the way home.
What..., what is..., I mean, come on Jan !
You're dropping a A-bomb on me here !
- And the tsunami relief fund raiser
with somehow lost a lot of money
It's a little character I like to do.
It is loosely based on Karnack,
Name 3 businesses that have better
healthcare plans than Dunder Mifflin.
We'll be fine. I just wish
people gonna be drunk.
- Dwight get out of here what are
you doing into ladies room...?
- No no no, it's not what you're...
When will that girl gonna be
married ? That's what I have to say
I just think, world's on disengagement,
we're all expecting it you know ?
Excuse me, everyone, can I
have your attention please ?
and if you cannot behave like ladies, well
then you are not going to have a bathroom.
- Ok, well that's ridiculous, just don't...
I don't have time for this right now.
how there is no money, and how there is
no food, and how the jokes are really bad.
ok, we can do better, so,
tonight, for the first time,
You fell a no, no
This isn't just a name
you're kind of there.
That's kind of what it's like.
I am your host, Michael Scott,
and I just want to tell you
Oh yeah !
- Shut it !
- Really ? We don't have any girls from HR.
- Know that, for the sake of the story.
- All right. So let's get this party started !
- Hey let's go to Poor Richard's.
- You're staying ?
- Yeah. I have to eat somewhere.
- It's fine,
- Well we can fix it, we'll fix it up !
Hey ! How are you ? I thought you'd left.
You know what I'm talking about !
The hottest, in the office award goes to...
And the Tight Ass award goes to Angela,
The spicy curry award goes to our
very own Kelly Kapoor !
- Yeah but everyone else...
- Just sit down Kelly.
Got to go !
Sing on a song dude !
Let's cut it !
This last Dundee is for Kevin,
So keep going !
- More Dundies !
Ok, first off, my Keds, because I couldn't
have done it without them, thank you.
because God gave me this Dundee,
And we heard Michael change the lyrics to a
number of classic songs, which for me,