Aired 9 years ago - May 17, 2015
Jake and Amy go undercover to catch Brooklyn’s most notorious identity thief, and the case brings them closer together – very close. Meanwhile, the entire precinct is caught off-guard when one of their own says goodbye to the Nine-Nine.
I think it just took me a while
to totally-totally get it,
We're in agreement.
so please limit your reactions
to one second; go.
a mutual friend told me Madeline
wrote a letter to the mayor
so it won't be easy,
and we don't have much time,
so crappy day to you.
She's insatiable, Rosa.
We just need to be there
at exactly 9:45 p.m.
We should just arrest him
right here.
Okay, there, how's that?
What?
What do you have to do?
Cool.
Oh, yeah, it would mean
so much to Dora and me.
Yeah, we are lovers...
together... in beds.
Okay,
and if you'll just follow me.
so talking to a woman
should blow his mind.
I hate grackles.
I mean, so many people
don't know the difference
Or is it more like...
Rosa, listen to me,
there is no party.
If you knew me, you'd know
I hate surprise parties,
Wow,
champagne and oysters.
Anyways, about a year ago, we
bumped into each other at a bar,
And you?
I don't have it on me.
Actually I was calling
you a goat, you goat.
We will.
We're going to Waco, Texas.
Why isn't he making
the handoff?
I get it.
Charles, it was just a kiss,
okay?
but by opening night,
we were full-on making out.
No, we're gonna stay
with the package.
Now, Madeline, before one of us
starts weeping like a war widow,
for her birthday
on March 16th?
Oh, I just want to see
Lorelai happy, and shut up!
I never ended up eating
at that dumb fancy restaurant.
No, no, no.
It's not cold.
You're under arrest.
This is a work event.
Given the circumstances,
I'm talking about your tall butt
and your weird elbows.
I don't want to mess that up.
remember you have to pretend
to be surprised.
so you and I could celebrate
with no people anywhere near us.
I've earned this.
Aired 9 years ago - May 10, 2015
Holt is wary when Wuntch lets Jake work his dream case, worried that she is setting him up to fail. Back at the precinct, Amy, Rosa and Gina help Terry host a field trip for a local magnet school.
Sorry, Sarge, I can't be
around magnets.
This field trip has to go well.
If you want, I can show them
some of the cool stuff
(Jake) Next, let's get
statements from the neighbors.
Admit I was right.
No, no, no.
We can't let that happen.
If she wants the case,
it's hers.
- Wow.
- This is my desk.
Well, I appreciate that you used
You're dating the blond kid
and you like Filipino Bieber
How do you like
my new office? 20th floor.
Pretty much an NBT sitch.
This is a very important case,
Raymond,
The case is yours.
You have my full support.
Unless he's innocent...
She let us keep this case
because she wants us to fail.
I saw that you had made
that request.
Thanks for warming her up,
Santiago.
I haven't listened to rap music
in three years.
Honestly, you should show them
a picture of a dead body.
as a function
of demographics and time?
What are you gonna call it?
NYPD. Open up.
That's enough chitchat already.
NYPD.
You know, I'm gonna look over
their applications again.
(Dr. Susman) Let's go.
who's a much better match
for her anyway, BT-dubs.
Michael D'Angelo,
the other member
Bing... pot...
It'll take us two hours
to get up there.
Just a minute...
my cauldron's boiling over."
This is awesome!
All right, but I'm more scared
of Hitler.
Do you have a 20
on Wet Blanket, Sidewinder?
If we don't get D'Angelo,
my career is over.
Dr. Susman...
It's used to look for blood
in a crime scene.
Also, and more importantly,
I got McKenzie and Brianna
Not helping, kid.
Good thing we got here in time.
rusty farm equipment, light
shining through bullet holes.
[suspenseful music]
Moved faster than I was expecting,
but still cool.
- Hello?
- Hey, it's Peralta.
We're gonna be flying back
past a beautiful sunset.
The only thing worse is when
he stands perfectly still.
because you wanted a helicopter
to play action movie.
[sighs]
Aired 9 years ago - May 03, 2015
Jake is excited to work a case with the best detective in the NYPD, Detective Majors, until Majors shares his intentions to ask Amy out on a date. Meanwhile, Charles and Gina try to convince Terry to stay at the Nine-Nine when he considers accepting an offer to work at a private security firm.
It's not meant to be funny,
Boyle.
A member of your squad
reached out to me,
Terry called him?
He's shaking Terry's hand.
Oh, Majors isn't here yet?
Hey,
you must be the Nine-Nine.
We couldn't figure out
where he bought them.
Okay, I'm gonna look around,
take a few statements.
Look at all this swag I got:
my own office...
with walls.
I'm trying to do what's best
for my family.
three weeks ago
and dumped here yesterday.
called The Keychain.
This place is amazing.
Milo makes you a drink
he knows you'll love,
No, no, she's great.
Okay, it's a private bar,
not a haunted motel.
I don't know.
I mean, we're friends.
Great, well,
it doesn't matter now anyway,
you've got to let her know
that you an option.
We are throwing Terry
a "please stay" party.
Oh,
I see what's going on here
What?
You did?
Check it out.
So what's up?
So I got the results
on that feces.
More specifically...
This isn't some weird breast
milk or something is it, Boyle?
Okay, I know what
you two are doing.
I know.
more productive
than "kissing."
Oh, no.
I don't think it's random.
Why doesn't your mouth work?
Title of our sex tape.
No wonder the van
was so spotless.
in prison.
to terrorize Brooklyn
until I built up the nerve
Ugh, I've only gotten through
September of 1995.
Yeah, that's how we do it
in the Nine-Nine.
- Isn't that amazing?
- What?
If I worked at Copperhead,
I'd be home by now
All right, fine.
Tropical one?
And get out of here until
you know the password, man.
Oh, no, the double tuck.
Aired 9 years ago - Apr 26, 2015
After Jake injures himself on a case, Terry forces him take time off and rest -- something Jake doesn’t know how to do. Across town, Holt and Rosa try to avoid intimate conversation during a double-date with their significant others.
You could say you're sick.
out of your living room
Excuse me.
Oh, honey.
I got hit in the face
with a box.
It's only been four days.
Official trip nickname:
Sarge, it's a spa and a casino.
Oh... oh, we will
'cause we're staying at...
All right. Fine.
All right. It was a lie.
I'm sorry.
Ooh.
I subbed shallots
for onions in the mirepoix.
Acceptable topics include
what constitutes a grain,
We're gonna be epically late.
and it's definitely
the food you brought.
because I'm a nice person.
My theory is that Olson
and his brother
or hiding something.
Just take a picture
of my penis first,
So Marcus, what
orchids can you name?
Rosa, tell us about your family.
I have...
No one needs to know
you have sisters.
I came down here to stop you
It's just... I was worried
about you getting hurt.
Until then, you sit tight.
What the hell?
♪
Hey, guys.
Get out of the bathroom!
when we're all covered
in my whiz.
and that made me think...
you should take
a pregnancy test.
Remember Cagney and Lacey's
third birthday party?
If you don't figure out
how to balance things,
while we wait for
the Atlantic City PD to show up.
are best qualified
to handle the...
Oh, I see.
You heard me.
and it didn't matter
that the rats ate my salad.
That's the spirit!
Shh!
He's on the move.
In retrospect, they were plenty.
because he insists
on being an idiot!
which I was supposed to take off
during a case.
Aired 9 years ago - Mar 15, 2015
After a streak of really bad luck, Jake thinks he's being sabotaged by an enemy. Holt assigns Amy and Rosa to investigate the truth. Meanwhile, Holt hurts Gina's feelings by calling her dance troupe a "hobby," and Charles is stuck working a case with Scully and Hitchcock in Jake's absence.
Oh, I wish I could be that free.
No, Sarge, come on!
Right.
and a gull man!
I only lie when someone's
safety is at risk.
does this mean you're
gonna blow up my spot
when I was learning
the Gangnam Style dance.
Look, we are on your side.
at the urinalysis lab?
They were made to be followed.
I'm gonna go check out
that office chair design exhibit
this is the number-one
urinalysis lab
Those are cappuccinos.
If you guys won't help me,
Terry's out of breath.
(Terry)
I thought it was amazing!
r compliments.
Ergo, a hobby.
Attention everyone.
This Orsk guy's name keeps
cropping up in this case.
Wait.
I have a theory.
And I'm including
that bomb-sniffing dog
Why would you do that?
Three mini-fridges are cheaper
than one regular one.
that no one is after you.
(Jake) Geoffrey Hoytsman?
Went on a prolonged
psychotic episode
He likes me
because I got him off
Look, this is a bad idea,
Hoytsman.
with pizzas for eyes.
and there's no more dance in me.
I don't get it.
Look, yesterday I told my twins
and lying works!
Okay, well, I had to grab a few
things at the art supply store.
(Hitchcock) Hey, Boyle,
Oh, uh, must have been my wife.
(Scully) Same type of rock that
was thrown through the window.
I destroyed the good name
of an American hero...
I threatened to blow
Mr. Hoytsman's head off
Also, I fathered two children
with Hoytsman's cleaning lady,
which is why I've decided
to take my own life.
Living in an ice cream truck?
Never showering?
How could you possibly know?
I totally forgot.
[grunting]
What's this?
No, I'm no bunny-buying coward.
This is the best $8,000
you ever spent.
Aired 9 years ago - Mar 08, 2015
Jake's mainly absentee father, Roger, comes to town to spend some time with his son. Jake can't wait to see him, but Charles is skeptical of Roger's intentions. Meanwhile, Holt tasks Amy, Terry, Gina and Rosa with an impossible brain teaser in exchange for Beyoncé tickets.
It's a land of Tyreses.
Two tickets to this Sunday's
Terry, start flexing.
If you look to your left,
you'll see me,
Hello, Captain.
Captain.
Noice.
He says,
"Bobby's got a big ol' butt."
Anyway, I'm not here
to talk about me.
and give up now, Sarge.
Yeah, what about Rosa, Gina,
and me?
You're really not a part
of this, Hitchcock.
I just told them
it was your birthday.
So cool.
Jake, I need your help.
The case of why he came
to town?
Here's what we know so far.
Very potent.
Six, nonstop dumps.
Of course,
but take Boyle with you.
Okay.
And disturbing.
[applause]
Oh.
[English accent] What do you say
there, Scully, old boy?
She's been spending some time
at her place.
[laughter]
If they weigh the same,
Okay, we balance
three against three,
These islanders
are delicious.
Scully, what's going on?
Shoot.
I think he did it.
By wearing
Dad's pilot uniforms.
It's okay.
But you defied the odds
by having others
Stop the clock.
(Holt)
So that's it?
Got dem wings.
Oh, crazy flight.
My name's
Captain Spike Masters.
I do not know
who you are,
Oh, really?
I highly doubt that, sir.
and made these clever T-shirts
that say, "#nerdfail."
That's crazy.
riding up and down
on a teeter-totter of taunts.
sans the juice?
Drinks are on me.
And the lights
aren't on dimmers.
No, don't do that,
all right?
Aired 9 years ago - Mar 01, 2015
It's the day of Gina and Charles' parents' wedding, and the whole squad is given a job to fulfill for the ceremony. However, Jake and Amy get sidetracked chasing a criminal, and Terry struggles to officiate the wedding.
It's in the past, Amy.
Move on!
all romantic and say,
"I love you."
I already told you,
I'm not go-go dancing.
Mario, Karen, yesterday
was chest and shoulders.
Uh, what would you say is your
mom's favorite move at the gym?
Okay, thanks.
Try to stay off heroin.
I would have caught him
nine months ago
Oh, Regina, everything is
so beautiful.
an old turtleneck
down the aisle.
Wow.
I can't ever imagine
Back-to-back Catfish
situations, you know?
and I broke my neck.
Oh, my God.
Look!
I feel like James Bond
I was thinking I'd go with,
"Jamie Gordenhorn?"
So, you're really okay with me
and Jenny Gildenhorn, huh?
I sprang for the
three button jacket.
Oh, my God, why did I buy
a cube-shaped car?
She ended up cheating on you
Ah!
There has been a mix-up
"'A thousand kisses from you...
Terry, I'm sorry,
but you're fired.
I am good at emotion.
Gregor Minsk,
you're under arrest.
I still do.
Okay, we just need to make sure
nothing else goes wrong.
Page 18?
Made it!
Thanks, Maxi Pads.
That's embarrassing.
Nope.
Those are my mints.
for your slow-dance
with Jenny Gildenhorn.
and bring it with me to our
weird friends' parents' wedding?
Also it'll ruin
Lynn and Darlene's wedding.
Best of all, I fixed this!
Second was sleeping
with a roadie
And just explain to me
what is going on.
Because you take big risks.
Cowards.
My mom loves you.
You love her.
but I'm having some trouble
with my speech.
Uh, it feels
a little impersonal.
that I wished the officiant
had been more efficient.
Then I have nothing.
Maybe I should wing it.
You look incredible!
Tied with Kokomo.
so I don't know when
you're gonna do it.
20 years later
and I've been Funged again.
Marriage is a contract...
Aired 9 years ago - Feb 15, 2015
When Jake notices that Holt has been acting moody, he teams up with Holt's husband to figure out what happened. Meanwhile, at the precinct, Charles tries to get a confession out of a geriatric suspect who pretends to be senile and adorable whenever Amy and Rosa are around.
Went home last night... no overtime.
He couldn't pull off a bank job.
- I love corduroy.
- He likes corduroy.
We'll get that and a comfy chair
for you to sit in.
You're such a doll. I must pay you.
regular cop stuff.
Peralta, I'm not gonna discuss
my home life with you.
I was just a little slow.
You kiss your mother with that mouth?
Well, now I'm cashing it in.
Yes, I invited Gina in. You were with her.
Is this a police precinct
or a Turkish bazaar?
In fact, he was still chuckling
Seemed like it went real bad for you.
I'm already out the door. It worked!
except being charmed
by these two lovely ladies.
Yes, I know. He's always raving
about how they don't have specials.
Damn it, Diane,
what are you doing after this?
Gina, what'd he do next?
It was his day to pick the music,
and it's taking 17 minutes per backup!
Are you sure we're talking
about last Wednesday?
Three mornings this week,
Linetti? No.
You never even tried plan A, though.
but, Amy, you didn't know that,
so you were still wrong.
acronym HNAA.
What more do you want from me?
Marvin Miller is guilty,
and, yeah, I might be scared of geese,
with no explanation.
Okay, so Captain Holt
leaves fencing and heads north.
Mine is, "Peralta, that's enough."
Peralta, that's enough!
Peralta, you genius.
- You beat him in a dance-off?
- No, I destroyed him.
- He was mugged.
- What?
Oh, my goodness.
Wait, so you heroically
fought off three guys,
I wasn't injured. I was lightly stabbed.
Hey, Captain, you look so tall.
Cool, cool, no doubt. No doubt, no doubt.
No more talk-y. Hmm.
Aired 9 years ago - Feb 08, 2015
Jake is heartbroken over Sophia, but his spirits are lifted when the squad is invited to a Homeland Security terrorist training simulation. That is, until the agent in charge assigns them the lame role of playing hostages. Meanwhile, Gina administers a psychological exam to Holt, and Amy and Rosa compete for a day off from work.
by using your body.
I don't buy it.
Captain, is the entire squad
at this dumb field trip?
I was hoping to wow my professor
It's okay, I'm no stranger
to unflattering test results.
Sophia text you?
Hey, there.
Princesses.
My name is Agent Kendrick,
Homeland Security.
For practicing, that's
the first time we ever tried it.
What?
with me to text.
Sarge, with all due respect,
I am going to completely ignore
But I refuse to mask
my natural musk
He's a liar too, and Italian.
There was plenty of room
on that door.
Characteristics... strength,
determination, tenacity.
We got the same score?
There's two guards
outside this door.
of Americans.
Shh.
You're dead.
Yep.
Molly.
Cause it sounds cooler
than heaven.
has been discriminated
against more.
Okay, you basically just lost.
All right, meet in the basement.
Here we go!
Drop them right now.
It's over.
I thought cops loved to sit
around on their fat asses
This drill is over.
Let's get the hell outta here.
No, but there's more
catharting to do.
And this butt from Homeland?
That was really unnecessary.
I am a terrorist leader.
My name is Francis Gruber.
And apparently, you're at
the level that can't handle us.
until one of us is dead.
After that, we paint ball
a hostage every 15 minutes.
Like some waddling ducks!
Curious.
I'm whimsical,
but I'm not a lunatic.
That is so rude.
So you can keep your box
of deception and leave me alone.
It's just you and me.
So.
Any last words?
Gun taped to the back.
Less of a tactic and more
of a series of incredible events.
Next year, we're winning
this thing.
Jake, I'm sorry you didn't
get your win.
Aired 9 years ago - Jan 25, 2015
When Sophia's job gets in the way of her relationship with Jake, Jake tries to smooth things over with her boss. Meanwhile, Wuntch needs Holt's help for a job recommendation.
I want to work
in the break room,
You're a boss,
not a genie.
Oh, I remember Zeke.
Large gentleman.
It's a mighty tree.
Don't worry about Jake.
He's gonna do great.
and they were all
baking powder.
and keep working
on your dance moves.
He got trapped
out on the balcony.
I'm in charge.
Bye!
Well, yeah, but Zeke is
in that room, and...
I gotta say,
your Hazmat suit is super scary.
We know it's not baking powder.
What is it?
Boyle, status report?
Great, we'll refer to them
as the normies.
I'm just gonna call them
the vegetable medley,
[Gasps]
We should play them sade.
Yeah.
Fine, done,
you're my number two.
I'm sorry, sir,
that's all I've got.
Well, the Captain wanted
to have the news on,
Shout-out to turkey.
Okay.
using perfect grammar.
You got to admit,
I'm writing you
out of my will.
and cleaning lady.
Let's get them
some food.
Fine, I'll have someone
blindly throw
(Both)
We want heat!
that was selling
knock-off designer coats.
Uncomfortable because of how
amazing I look in this?
Sometimes, I call him
Holt the dolt.
I'm reminding everyone
of my embarrassing sexual past
They're all faux fur
and all the best brands.
the one-time-only feast
was all the food that we had.
but I was actually
being serious.
for this meeting,
perhaps a smooth jam.
Well, second after me,
so third overall.
Oh, why is he standing
on that chair?
middle-loaf pieces of bread
only.
I don't always understand
Peralta's texts.
Then a box
with a question mark.
I'm 23, I'm a celebrity,
and today, I'm gonna die!
Great idea.
Great movie.
You burned down
the precinct?
Jeffords and I will come
right away.
Told you so.
Not too proud.
Aired 9 years ago - Jan 11, 2015
The squad decides it's high time Jake paid them back all the money he has owed them from over the years. Meanwhile, Amy and Holt team up to re-open the Brooklyn Broiler case.
I don't have a secret.
You've had dentist appointments
twice in the past two weeks.
It's a list of names.
What are you talking about, man?
This is a secret.
It's like holding
a couple of grapes.
Okay uh, now we just
have to work backwards,
But if you'd like
a cup of coffee,
You don't outgrow punk, sir.
Yeah!
We're pregnant.
for four weeks, and I'll think
about you being the godfather.
Wait, you've owed Terry
for years,
to pay back your friends.
June 3rd, 2008,
bought you a soda,
I'm sorry you guys,
but I can't pay that.
Nor do I need it!
Hello, partner!
I brought these.
Huh.
Okay!
Is she crying?
Is she crying?
Oh, God.
To be paid back.
Yuck. We don't have a secret,
all right?
Smart, loyal, homophobic
but not racist.
Due to the street meat.
Hurricane Jeffords.
Jake. Fingerholes
was our idea.
I only stumbled across it 'cause
I'm such an amazing Detective.
Okay?
I'll go down there...
like um, myocardial infarction?
Oof.
I have never seen you
in the gym.
Those aren't gym terms.
Unless you can guess
the sarge's password.
Ah!
Oh, man.
That is what I want.
Right hook, right hook,
uppercut.
We're in!
Ah, Boyle, I need to throw away
this piece of paper
Hi, Jake.
Charles.
All right, have fun.
Terrence, what is he talking
about?
Terry, I am so sorry.
Aired 9 years ago - Jan 04, 2015
The team is excited to spend the weekend at Charles' beach house for a detectives-only-getaway, until Jake ruins the fun by inviting Captain Holt. Meanwhile, Charles helps Rosa send romantic texts to her new boyfriend, and Gina tries to get Amy drunk, simply for her own enjoyment.
Aired 10 years ago - Dec 14, 2014
Jake and Charles’ bro-mance starts to crack when they volunteer for an eight-day stakeout in very close quarters. Meanwhile, Captain Holt’s nephew, Marcus, comes to Brooklyn and captures Rosa’s attention.
"None of your business"?
Yes.
Tiny squirrel is Charles,
the walrus is Captain Holt,
And does braided herring
All due respect, sarge,
but we don't need "alone zones."
His name is Horace,
and he's either a small rat
♪ I don't want to let you go
till we catch the guy ♪
Tiny ball, problem solved.
And you must be Gina.
Holy Moses.
ever since I got her...
Her?
I call him "the beach umbrella"
because he looks so shady.
so it's kind of like
wine tasting.
Now you're just eating
butter with syrup on it.
♪ Stake me out tonight ♪
Male peacocks are
the colorful dressers.
some of each other's
annoying behaviors
no ballroom dancing, no bird
calls, and no male kegels.
There's a fourth one?
Charles!
Yeah, you are.
Agreed.
Um, yeah.
Well, June Bug
is a stone-cold bitch.
You can scootch your ass
back in line.
A hug.
I mean, we've made it impossible
to annoy each other.
Yeah.
It's different.
Two...
No multi-level
marketing schemes.
No more talking at all.
Do you need a relief team?
What's going on with you?
Love.
Okay, I'm sorry
these characters look like you,
I guess what I'm saying is,
these stories are nonsense.
Kevin. Uncle Ray.
Detective Rosa Diaz
is in my breakfast nook.
The only food left
in the whole room
to just be Garfield's owner,
Jon Arbuckle?
I just let it roll off.
Oh, I hate this song.
I stand by it.
Have dinner with my wife?
It's who I was stuck there with.
Aired 10 years ago - Dec 07, 2014
“The Pontiac Bandit,” aka Doug Judy, is back in custody, after jamming up Jake and Rosa in his previous encounter with them. But when Rosa discovers that Judy knows the whereabouts of the “Giggle Pig” drug leader, Capt. Holt offers the perp a plea
deal to help track down the drug kingpin. Meanwhile, Gina and Boyle are nervous that their parents might be getting too close, and Santiago makes Holt a Christmas gift against his wishes.
MORE
-LESS
No, no, no, no, no,
we're not listening.
I thought our parents were
just having a casual fling,
if our parents
turn into a real couple?
Oh, or "his and hers" pajamas?
to give me the exact same tape?
but then I thought, "hey,
maybe the Captain could use it."
I'm making a scrapbook
of his professional highlights.
All right, before we make
a deal with this evil monster,
We believe he runs
the whole operation,
Peralta has a point.
♪ Rosa, Rosa, Rosa, Rosa ♪
in return for Ruiz's arrest.
Unlimited room service
and minibar privileges.
Diaz has to be nice to me.
PB&J ride again!
Okay, okay.
What?
Nah, I was just gonna use it
to dry my undercarriage later.
Tac team is on call
for backup...
Here, come on.
Order something.
Robes!
Ugh, lord,
you're starting to sweat.
and nail
those Christmas-morning candids.
A digital scale?
That's bad.
with both our parents?
All right, I'm searching it.
But for right now,
I'm all about helping you.
By the way, this Tito dude,
he spooks real easy, so...
Oh!
We'll get him a lobster
and a robe.
Yeah. Arsonist.
for a fun "where are they now?"
Section,
I know you're being sarcastic,
sarge,
Doug Judy.
Who are they?
If we're gonna do business,
I gotta see how good
To steal the car.
Okay, okay, all I have to do
is break into this car
Real smooth and real slow.
I gotta ask, Peralta, do
the ladies enjoy that technique?
for inviting us
on this double date.
we would only exchange
small gifts.
Thank you so much.
It was actually...
Now that I think of it,
I thought I told you no gifts.
Don't worry about it.
Yeah, I'm the boss,
and this is my place.
On the ground!
NYPD!
Aired 10 years ago - Nov 30, 2014
In an attempt to add a touch of romance to their work trip, Jake invites his girlfriend Sophia, as well as Amy’s boyfriend, Teddy, to join them at a B&B. Meanwhile, Rosa adamantly refuses to admit she is sick to Terry and Gina, and Charles is eager to help Holt with his anniversary breakfast.
is the most intimate gift
of all.
My horoscope said to wear a
cowl-neck today, and I laughed.
and I hope you don't mind,
but I got us
Oh, hey, before I forget,
I called him before we left.
I thought you were solid.
Jake, this is gonna be
a disaster.
Teddy's a really good guy.
Wow.
I'll get your perp to talk.
Okay, if Diaz
won't accept our help,
Yeah, we should definitely
turn them around.
Yeah, totally.
Yeah.
and I feel like I let you and
all of our demon children down.
Till then...
is learning how to taste.
Cheese.
For example, my favorite meal
I eat the sandwich.
Oh.
Oh, also, if you feel like
you're losing control,
I can be normal."
Thanks a lot for telling me
to come up here.
I'm gonna snuggle up
next to that thing with you.
We got that sweet
city employee discount.
Jericho. Jericho.
Jericho.
We are not.
Get it.
I'll get it.
I'm gonna interrogate the perp.
What's the secret?
What's the secret?
Okay, now, go ahead
and pour your eggs
Am I incorrect?
Okay?
I only wish in return
I could get back all the time
of my relationship with Holt.
There are so many reasons
I want to break up.
This is why I wanted
to write it down.
About how you told her
that you liked her
Good night.
Yeah, me too.
Oh, no, you're not Sophia.
It's what I saw.
I mean, I didn't knock
on Amy's door.
Oh, good morning, Captain Holt.
Aired 10 years ago - Nov 23, 2014
While attempting to catch a drug dealer, Jake and Charles reluctantly join forces with the nerdy lead investigator at the U.S. Postal Service, Jack Danger. Meanwhile, the rest of the team helps Amy quit smoking.
I'm going cold turkey,
and it makes me irritable.
where you can just relax
and watch pretty boats go by.
Ah, here we are.
meaning "prudence
in financial matters."
Little brothers?
However, there are a few around
town that were never removed.
and partnered you
with a robocop?
You know, I never smoked, but
I did once have an addiction.
I learned
how to beat my cravings.
Whoo!
We think the drug dealers
have been using
For an hour.
Love your precinct.
Detective Rosa Diaz, meet
my new partner, Jack donger.
B-side's got
some banging sousa deep cuts.
They do?
and check out the box?
He's gone.
That I gotta see!
Go, razzmataz.
You're going me
on a lunchtime jog.
and he got away?
I'm sorry, Rosa, can I talk
to you in private for a second?
No, tools can be useful.
He's the world's smallest tool.
I don't know what
"behonkus" means, but yes.
and you will receive
holiday cards from him forever.
Really good.
No nicotine cravings at all.
Why would the housekeeper
steal your belt?
doing with old postal keys?
Who collected the keys?
I say we keep surveilling
the mailboxes.
Incorrect.
and brought in muffins
for everyone.
It's kind of risky, Jake.
Ugh, this place is the worst!
Charles, that's never gone well.
Is this a dream?
And, Amy, you don't know this
I am in a vast hallway.
I'm not hearing everyone.
Cheater!
Globmun was the first kid
in my grade to get a pube.
Mm.
The way I ordered you to
as leader of the task force.
Dip your penis in vinegar.
I'm sorry I said
"forever" stamps are a lie
Oh, great read!
Aired 10 years ago - Nov 16, 2014
The precinct goes into lockdown mode on Thanksgiving night and Jake, who was left in charge, is confident in his ability to keep spirits high and avoid chaos. Amy is less confident, as things spiral out of control.
Done.
You're a boss,
not a genie.
My brother-in-law Zeke
is in town.
It's a mighty tree.
Don't worry about Jake.
He's gonna do great.
I'm gonna go home
and stuff my goose.
similar packages this month,
Okay, so I'll keep
everyone updated,
Can you please calm it down?
We're doing fine here.
Yeah.
Too bad, you're not invited.
You live out here.
Do you have a home office?
All right, sorry for the delay,
but I have some news.
till they can run
detailed tests.
Great, we'll refer to them
as the normies.
six lawyers.
We want people to be
happy and calm.
Good, sounds like
we dodged a bullet there.
Tinker bell is
a loyal lieutenant
with a chair that is
actually a chair?
I was recording it
for later.
Now, let's get serious
and focus up.
happy Thanksgiving, everyone.
[Whispering]
This is going really well.
And our second option
is surveillance footage
Look at that, two painted ladies
just joined in.
'Cause you're being
melodramatic,
over the people that pay you:
President of a country
Oh.
Okay, not a problem.
And soda too?
We're freezing in here!
We want heat!
tell them that
they're gonna be here awhile,
Right.
See you, brother.
To Charles, I leave you
the memories of my supple form.
to find any "heat"
because it's more of a concept,
Interesting fact there...
It turns out
Look, we're doing this my way.
I'm the Captain now!
I'm sort of the number two guy
around here.
They don't know yet,
but I promise you,
Great, thank you.
Oh, the Captain wants
four sandwiches.
[Scoffs]
This dude is the worst.
another box
with a question mark,
This is
a human rights violation!
We have to quash this.
So, Captain,
I have some news.
in which a dirtbag set
Hitchcock's nap couch on fire.
Yeah.
Aired 10 years ago - Nov 09, 2014
Jake hits it off with Sophia, a woman whom he meets at a bar, only to find out she is the defense attorney for a perp he is trying to put in jail. Meanwhile, Gina and Charles work to put their relationship behind them.
Whoo!
Nailed it.
disciplinary guidelines.
Maybe.
You know, I actually
heard about a guy
That's nothing.
Amateur night.
labeled "fire spirit."
The hotel says the
"bubbles and bathrobes" package
I want that room, Gina.
What?
Rosa must've done this.
Okay, now guess.
Oh, we played,
which was difficult
who then murdered him
to celebrate?
Oh, God.
Okay.
So you're intimidated
by your own job?
Because I'm not
interested in you.
You already have
a campaign slogan.
Button maker?
Sir, permission
to arrest Diaz
Dismissed.
based on her ability
to lie all over me.
Everyone likes
to be the little spoon.
Says the guy who uses
a sunglasses case as a wallet.
my favorite food blog!
Sounds like both of you
have pretty great plans tonight.
I wish you wouldn't.
I have an unimpeachable
eyewitness who saw everything.
The challenge is keeping
the buttons on.
It's okay.
I knew about that.
(Sophia) No further questions,
your honor.
No. What wasn't cool was you
trying to air make-out
What, you think John Adams
was just some idiot?
Carl, you wanna come?
because I don't want
this perp to walk.
But seriously, I think you need
to get checked for rabies.
All right,
I'm gonna win this case
Welcome to my nightmares,
Amy-Scully minotaur.
Because you're royally
screwing up.
in conflict
with my superiors.
Okay. I'll do it.
It was hidden in an old
dumbwaiter
Your honor,
she stole my saying.
who once said, "to believe
all men honest is folly.
Okay,
please drop a nugget.
You've both made
compelling points
Not guilty.
Oh, come on!
Maybe stop calling
my client a criminal,
that I now see says
"emergency exit only" on it,
Aired 10 years ago - Nov 02, 2014
There’s a mole in the precinct and Holt and Jake need to find out who it is before Deputy Chief Madeline Wuntch gets wind of it. Meanwhile, Terry and Rosa visit a “silent” disco to uncover new leads for their new drug task force.
No!
No!
Peralta.
Didn't wanna
miss that.
If you have a minute,
I'd love a detailed report
A drug task force
that hasn't found any drugs?
Sorry. I had to talk my twins
into getting their hair done.
Wuntch is waiting
for this task force to fail.
Great. I hope there's a lot
of drug activity there.
All right, that's it.
There's still some files
at my old place.
[Hoarsely]
Car, initiate ghost mode.
Pocket donut!
about a month ago.
I'm going
to a prenatal yoga class.
Don't be mad, Jake.
You still know me.
Little Terry
loved the hustle.
Have a water
on the house.
That was insane.
turning into
a career-threatening quagmire.
my precinct, from my
customary helm, my office.
of what defines me
as a man.
It's like,
how did it all slip away?
We need to make sure
that no one else finds out.
And now,
I'm bringing them back.
Raymond,
your work life is here.
But more importantly,
what does the "J" stand for?
You said you knew everything
about these people.
so he has to be involved.
Let's figure out
who that mole is.
I don't.
Do you know how much math
Sarge,
the giggle pig.
Mm...
Plus with twins,
I'm so upset.
(Jake) What else, what else,
what else?
Dog bra.
[Dog growling]
I can't believe we can't
figure out who the mole is.
and have many
criminal contacts.
and I've never been accused
of impropriety.
how come you didn't know
there was a mole
Peralta, shouldn't you be
suspended by now?
but she can't get access,
so she sent in a spy.
She already knew
he was a germaphobe
Boink!
But honestly, it's not
as embarrassing as you think.
Imagine that
wrapped around you.
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 19, 2014
The Peralta / Holt annual Halloween bet continues when Jake challenges the Captain that he can steal his watch before midnight. Meanwhile, Gina is upset that her dance team, Floorgasm, kicks her off the squad and Terry confronts her about her bad attitude.
Seriously, sarge?
You're just gonna let her go?
She said she looked better
when I frowned.
What's with the tux?
Sarge, the hammer.
Now, because of last year,
you've arrested him twice
for pickpocketing.
Ooh!
Check your breast pocket?
with my watch still safely
on my wrist.
Okay, Boyle, and only because
you insisted I say this,
Peralta, that's enough!
I didn't mean for that
to sound so dirty.
but this all went too far.
This is Charles Boyle
for Jake Action News.
Good call.
Media blackout.
All right, let's look up
McCreary's arrest records,
and I could watch you
talk like a chipmunk.
Oh, you know what?
I just came to grab
a healthy snack.
My dance troupe, Floorgasm,
as the montage
where you buckle down
What's the playbook, Jakey?
Um, I have $120,
and my lucky $2 bill
with a stolen
police captain's watch?
We gotta think of a way
to catch up with that truck.
I'm just trying not
to jostle you too much.
Come on!
Gah!
NYPD.
It's Halloween!
I'm in the midst
of a personal tragedy.
I love that.
I'm just having trouble
balancing my studies
I'm not gonna let
those losers punish you
Tag me in those pics.
If you got a license
and credit card,
You got it.
Ouch.
No!
Well, here's how the story goes.
But in the end, I like
to think this whole thing
No.
I know, but I've been
planning it for a year.
I knew you would try to take
something important to me.
Now you had a target,
but you needed a plan.
Fast-forward to this morning.
I can see that
you're enjoying this.
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 12, 2014
The squad has time to kill when the arrival of the Serbian President’s motorcade to Brooklyn has been delayed. So, Jake launches “The Jimmy Jab Games,” an annual series of competitions in the precinct. Meanwhile, Terry and Holt take on a new drug task force approved by Holt’s nemesis, Deputy Chief Madeline Wuntch.
There's a new drug
in the precinct,
you should have
brought your own.
What do you say we make it
interesting this year?
That's actually
not a bad policy.
I already don't have
to give it to you.
But I realized
that I left the tape
But strength is not
your issue.
We'll just be here
till you get back.
♪ Aaaaah-aaaaah-aaaaah ♪
We play for the phone numbers
of Rosa's friends.
But the real prize is
the Winchester 3000,
The winner gets a bonus
in the final round.
Sergeant Jeffords,
why don't you just lie down?
That moustache
was era-appropriate.
Rejecting a valid request
for such a petty reason,
Hey, buddy.
Well, if you want
that tape back,
The Jimmy jabs has claimed
its first victims.
Sure hope I don't sprain
my arm during the face,
I'm gonna go nuts
on the daisies.
Damn right, I did.
And I forgot my birth control.
I'm not even
that cool myself.
He's kicking so much.
You wanna feel?
Adorable.
Right?
My advice... next time
don't act like a crazy idiot.
Where were you?
I got eliminated.
That's right.
on the river of no rules?
Then prove it.
which victory dance
should I do?
You must be
pretty nervous.
What a high!
So they're calling
the drug "giggle pig"?
You're like the league
of nations in '36...
Captain Holt,
how serious a threat
That was amazing!
I'm surprised you didn't see
what was going on in there.
Not if we make those
arrests.
Yes. We all need luck.
Ah!
Mmm!
whoever grabs their printout
first is the winner!
Someone answer him
now!
Nobody even cares who wins.
are gonna cut you out.
The serbian President's plane
is wheels up.
Aired 10 years ago - Oct 05, 2014
Holt is taken by surprise when his longtime nemesis, Deputy Chief Madeline Wuntch arrives for an inspection of his precinct. Meanwhile, Jake and Terry test the boundaries of “work friends” vs. “friend friends” as they investigate a stabbing at a hipster chocolate milk bar.
None taken!
People love their pets.
I just figured it was
some "milkers."
is a great way
to make friends.
Oh! Ugh!
It's so bitter!
Yup, got it.
but she had to cancel.
I mean, it's not like
I can avoid them.
But if you're here,
I will attempt to
cooperate with you.
Of course not.
No, his body is
so physically massive
Hey, what do you think
of captain Holt?
No, no,
it's so small!
Wait, wait, wait...
Because I'm not done
with my testicles yet.
Come... here...
Phone!
That was the drugs talking.
I was high as a kite.
I know, he made me promise
to not let him get that surgery.
And since my arrival,
violent crime has gone down
Looks like we both want
that stapler.
that happened the night before
she was to turn it in.
Raymond...
I assume that was
auto-corrected from "feces."
so it's a pretty sweet view.
saw the pilates perv
or anyone else
If I absolutely have to,
I'll just eat the frosting.
Oh, God!
does not mean
we are friends.
All I drank when I was a baby
was chocolate milk.
I haven't heard of DRK MLK
This cost me so much money.
from your very stupid self.
Now, if you will
excuse me,
You have been conquered.
The letter of recommendation
she wrote for you 25 years ago.
because of the...
Night before.
Your sexual identity
is the one thing
You embarrassed me
in front of Derek Jeter!
- What?
- Cornrows!
because it only seemed
work apropes,
Jake, I have no idea
what you're talking about,
I'm sorry about your
precious grade, Santiago,
I'm not a man
of unlimited cajoling.
Sarge, hey!
Thank you,
microscope head.
See you on the other side.
Aired 10 years ago - Sep 28, 2014
Jake’s undercover FBI operation ends in a successful sting, until he learns one mobster has gotten away. As Jake enlists Charles’ help to track him down, Holt tests the squad’s patience with practice drills.
♪ And a man
and a milk shake ♪
smoked a whole cigar
without vomiting,
So now that
we are alone,
I mean, it's right up there
with Sylvester stools
I know we left things weird,
Eh.
I want my money.
Not a problem.
We can help you.
You pretty excited
about Jake being back?
Nobody can ever know
that we had sex, all right?
I got aroused last night
Peralta, special agent Marx
is here to make your transfer
that the operation
turned out to be
The tac team screwed up,
hit his apartment up
I guarantee you they do.
Benny de Conti
will know about it.
Charles, don't do this
to yourself, all right?
and punch me in the face.
The old lady confessed to
a 40-year-old unsolved murder
Hi, my name is Timmy,
and I'm lost.
if we knew why we were
doing these drills.
No kid talks like that.
Lot of cops especially.
But I can tell you his girl,
Bianca, just called in.
we would do all kinds
of things together
a laser pointer into my eye
and screamed "perv."
With three people we can have
a real massage train now.
I got a real wet mouth.
- Copy that.
- Time to get back into character.
I miss my mommy.
This is boring.
I worked so hard on that.
Well, which Jake are you?
I got the address
somewhere. Hold on.
I don't have a gun.
Charles, no.
Okay, everybody out!
to his children
as his favorite assistant.
♪ Mario is doing it with
Teresa ♪
♪ But also with
her younger sister Valerie ♪
Good thing someone
came prepared.
and I'm no longer
wolf-worthy.
You're not gonna
apologize, sergeant?
when we don't even know why
we're doing these drills.
My husband says he hasn't
seen me smile in weeks.
Well played, Timmy.
I need you to shoot
down that plane.
Charles, may I borrow your hat please?
Sure.
I left food everywhere.