Aired 5 years ago - Jun 14, 2015
As the guys await the verdict on Pied Piper’s fate, an unexpected real-life drama draws a spike in traffic to their livestream and leaves them fighting to hold things together – literally. While Erlich considers his future, Richard scrambles to save Pied Piper’s.
It wasn't a rash decision.
I agonized over it.
jerked off, and paid me no rent.
What do you mean?
and a fucking stream of endless obstacles.
Oh, fuck. We got to scale up if we're
going to handle that kind of traffic.
Sorry, I couldn't remember
your mother's name.
upload it, and even that
video would not even buffer.
Try to keep it online
as long as you can, okay?
Can anyone hear me?
I'm so dehydrated.
That's just money. It has no real value.
If you're not kicking yourself even just
a little bit, you are objectively insane.
This is the shortest distance
to the garage. Had to do it.
Here, let me help you with that.
I was gonna have to go in front
of the Hooli Board of Directors
No, of course not.
Gilfoyle, what are you doing?
Remember? Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.
- Seriously, I can't do this by myself!
- Lot value? Meaning?
you do not call a man a fool
on the transom of his own home.
- Should we do verbal SWOT analysis?
- 298,000! 299,000!
- We did it.
- We fucking did it.
to facilitate the
development of Pied Piper,
"We just lost. It's my
company. Delete it all. Now."
AKA Jared, AKA O.J., apparently.
Well, here's the thing.
But you did, so I did.
and per your arbitration agreement,
pulled me out of the flaming
wreckage of my Mercury Grand Marquis.
Well, thank you. You did great.
No. No, no, no. Fuck!
And no one will ever be able to recover it.
All right. As long as God
isn't involved and there's beer.
Don't get that shitty one.
Get that nice one up there.
Did you delete Pied Piper or not?
- I did.
- It was frightening.
President of Hooli
Cancer and AIDS societies?
I am rarely wrong about these things.
Question. What's got two
thumbs and three commas?
Does it go like this?
But in the end,
the entirety of their recent stumbles
Aired 5 years ago - Jun 07, 2015
When Pied Piper and Hooli enter binding arbitration, Erlich demands to be put on the stand. Big Head finds himself propped up. Richard worries Hooli’s claim could have legs.
Hello. It's me again.
cause Hooli stock to crash
This little shit could
cause major damage here.
Do you think they'd go to
prison to protect their source?
just to make things easier.
Let me hit you back in 10
has settled out of court. Pussies.
one of the best in the biz.
That is accurate.
that plunge into the ravine and 11
months in the state penitentiary.
All of them?
And you may have to work pretty hard,
I haven't had a girlfriend
in, like, three years.
What? Why not?
falls on Hooli here. And they have none.
Did you get a taste for
that on the inside, hmm?
No, really. I mean,
So, according to Schrodinger,
if you open the box
- We have a problem.
- What's up?
We call my laptop my girlfriend
Now listen to this.
Yeah, that just means
that it's going great,
It's a huge deal. We're done. That's it.
We are fucked.
except the ones regarding the ownership
for accelerating the process.
Wait, are you sure? 'Cause
it says "no admittan..."
Uh, yeah. Yeah, I guess that is right.
make it seem like he was a
crucial part of Pied Piper.
Jared: I think I just made a mistake.
He didn't know that he had
tested on a Hooli computer
anything to do with Pied Piper.
But for a second it was pretty scary there.
No further questions, Your Honor.
that he gave me the phone and
made this whole thing possible.
in which Mr. Hendricks and Mr. Bighetti
where you're headed here, Mr. Monahan?
No. No, that is not correct.
Well, yes, I thought Nip
Alert showed great promise.
wasn't it, Mr. Bachmann?
Okay, yes, yes! Fine! Yes, I liked it,
I mean, among other things
It looks that way.
Richard, all they know
I mean, you know, because I have 10%.
from April 10th to the 12th of last year?
But if this company is built on lies,
Aired 5 years ago - May 31, 2015
When Richard takes pity on a competitor, he accidentally sparks a feud that finds him paranoid about security. Jared exaggerates Pied Piper’s size to get results. Facing pressure from board members, Gavin looks to place responsibility elsewhere.
Is everything okay with Nucleus?
You want me to come
back to Hooli?
But we can't wait for you.
We need you now,
I mean, there's a
chance no one will know
the pieces of shit that
stole our algorithm.
we didn't actually break his code.
What if I told you there
is an app on the market...
We wait for the boss to pitch.
People are lunatics
about smoking here.
I've literally been
tearing my own hair out.
You just fucked with
the wrong hacker.
Why would do that? Why
would you go talk to him?
What? I'm a black hat?
How am I a black hat?
He's a coder.
- You have a great daughter.
- Come on, Ashley, let's go.
"No one ever died from
Yes, and pedophiles are
typically not early-adopters,
Then again, your
judgment is suspect.
I mean, just give it a chan...
and take a lot of the
credit for Nucleus.
Same answer as I gave you
the last three days. No.
ready to pounce
Really? Just to be clear, no
skullfucking of any kind?
Yeah. You know, I gotta...
I gotta be honest.
Get out our here. Scatter.
would present marketing
pain points. Yes.
With our app, users can locate
Well done. Well done.
No, I take from her purse.
Look, you made us put our phones
in a fucking Faraday cage.
So just chill the fuck out.
What? You're locking
the door now?
Fine, fine. After
we have tequila.
And now, like it or not,
I'm a fucking black hat.
First of all, this is not shitty tequila.
This is very good tequila.
You know what's hard about
being a billionaire, Richard?
Come on outside, everybody.
Just, I won't waste your time.
What the fuck are you doing?
You're deleting all my data.
Yeah, well, we got hacked. So, pull
the plug. Shut it down on your end.
Obviously I was wrong. He
must be inside as root.
Aired 5 years ago - May 24, 2015
With the Pied Piper team fielding job offers and Russ distracted by financial news, Richard faces the prospect of either merging with a nemesis or folding. Gavin attempts to turn Nucleus’ failure into a success. Dinesh tries his hand at wooing a woman online. After Gilfoyle suggests a risky move, Richard reaches out to an unconventional client.
You know what you did.
And look at all these redundancies.
purely in the negative sense.
and after Digg as well, for that matter.
A misstep of that
magnitude, there's no excuse.
that its integration into Nucleus
If there's any greatness
in any of you at all,
Yes, it's shit.
Because of a series of...
which isn't even a fucking thing.
I remember the second
I became a billionaire.
Yeah, but there's a
Maserati in the driveway.
But you said generating revenue
They're in Napa. She's
gonna be a few hours.
Even if we fired all of the
engineers that we just hired...
There's no way we could find
clients, negotiate terms,
and then in the body, I'll write fun stuff,
You're like the fish that
swim into other fish's mouths
to get your iPhone?
- I don't know what you know.
- No, you don't know,
They're not a competitor if
you're a part of them, right?
Y-You give them a better algorithm,
Well, you can't pull funding
because we have a contract, so...
(engine roaring, tires screeching)
Before or... after you gave it to 'em?
I just paid them 80 grand.
EndFrame just absorbs you, and you're gone.
That's not really how it works, Gilfoyle.
Are you just asking what if...
Gilfoyle, uh, hypothetically,
how much is it worth?
of our platform in front of Intersite,
Pornography accounts for
37% of all Internet traffic.
and then taking their tech
when they meet with you?
will be the key to our
survival as an industry.
from my mobile phone which
is charging over there.
"IDK. Too soon, question mark."
ejaculating in your own
pants all over your leg...
- I can prove it.
whatever it takes in order to survive.
Out there is where I live.
- Long password.
Should we, uh, check
the old lost and found?
solely with their neural impulses.
Aired 5 years ago - May 17, 2015
When Monica encourages the guys to pounce on a livestream opportunity, Erlich reconnects with his old mentee, Double-A, an energy drink billionaire, but Richard finds out their friendship isn’t quite what Erlich thinks. After learning that the
livestream might hit a snag, Gilfoyle and Dinesh brainstorm their options. Jared encourages a friendship between Carla and Monica.
Jump on it. Now. Like,
do our own live stream.
I wouldn't be so dismissive.
There was a live stream
It sure is. There's a bunch of
stunts and crazy shit on here.
You look like a ferret that gave up
on himself six months ago, Gilfoyle.
Did he really just say "holy cow"?
You can SWOT a concept, a
department, or a new initiative.
I mean, it is incredible.
'cause I was cool and supportive.
No, I called him Kool-Aid. We all did.
So, Dinesh, I have a question.
You're obviously Pakistani,
Oh, hold on a
sec. I'll be right back.
while it's happening.
- They're rock stars.
And die. So we should probably...
- What do we do here?
- This is a tough one.
Also, if it's,
if it's possible--
- Um, yes...
- Richard can give you whatever you need.
Take this stuff. I'm gonna
grab a couple more drinks
So I can see for myself where I stand.
that if Blaine dies on our live
stream, this could be good for us.
And this would make her single.
He told me to my face
that he doesn't like you.
that he would pull the plug
on the whole live stream.
and you need to do that live stream.
Yes, Richard. It's time
for me to be the bigger man.
I'd like to get everyone's
I tried to watch a movie,
and it kept freezing up.
And who else felt this
product is messed up?
But what do I know? I just
built a billion-dollar company.
- Just that? There's nothing else?
But... and then again,
Are we cool?
Blaine's last moment is
realizing face is gone"?
Oh. Yeah, it does.
Uh, no. No. We can't see
how it goes this time.
- Yeah, you do.
- No, I don't.
I... I called you a double-assle.
Hey, Richard? We should go.
It's not a laughing matter! But
you called him double-asshole first.
Aired 5 years ago - May 10, 2015
Gavin’s interference causes Pied Piper to struggle with securing their expansion, while a nosy neighbor puts the guys at risk. Gilfoyle takes on the task of building servers, and an overstressed Richard reluctantly takes in Jared as a roommate. Big Head’s management skills are questioned, and Nucleus’ debut zeroes in on a big event.
All right, this one's ready
to go out to the truck.
But Christianity is borderline illegal
Owning a pot-bellied pig is frowned
upon almost as much as being a Christian.
Erlich: Richard, do you have a moment?
The inhabitant of an incubator.
Erlich, I really don't have time for this.
Sore wa meiyodeshita.
Oh, little kohai, you've
already given me a gift.
You seem like nice guys,
- Hey, Richard?
- Oh, hey, Jared.
to every single web-hosting service?
But you're not going to like it.
If we rent from a public cloud,
- Was it?
- No, no, no, no!
It's a good thing that I'm here, isn't it?
because of your mediocrity.
Should we smoke some pot to celebrate?
Bighetti has his team
wasting valuable resources
has accomplished in a matter of days, I...
from the neurons in the
motor cortex in the brain.
is a remarkable scientific achievement.
What is he doing now?
from the washer/dryer
for all the cooling units.
How can you guarantee there
are no rodents living there
- (men grunting)
- Friends of friends.
Great. So, um, which room can he stay in?
You sweated? You sure you didn't...
I'm sure you were great at
fingerpainting, also, Dinesh.
- So why don't you...
- Excuse me?
Come inside. Don't look
at me. Don't look at me!
What... what do you mean
we're not zoned for business?
Okay, I will give it back
to you right now, gladly.
That gentleman next door
has the power to ruin us.
Kegels are a form of exercise
that strengthen the pelvic floor.
- Hey, hey.
- (heavy metal blaring)
I'm having them over as guests, at my home.
He's really going to go all the way around?
Oh, yeah. Daddy loves you, Daddy loves you.
It is 4:00 in the morning! What the...
We are here to stay,
and you're going to keep
all of them were started
in unzoned garages.
No, it's not for rent.
they found the rate of birth
defects in that territory
Aired 5 years ago - May 03, 2015
Richard butts heads with Erlich over a prospective hire, while Dinesh and Gilfoyle become suspicious that a new employee they recommended is commanding a higher salary. Big Head gets a surprising promotion at Hooli. At a board meeting, Monica and Richard find themselves outvoted; Jared institutes a workplace harassment policy.
No, that's too big a hassle.
But then he took the offer, shopped it around town,
- Dings? - Like in a jury or "Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
Question-- What is a moonshot?
No idea will be too big for our newest division,
fit to be the first
You know, I was perfectly happy there.
And he wanted me to convey that to you.
Enjoy your new office.
this is someone you guys recommended I contact,
We should hire the best person for the job, period.
Exactly. It's like we're the Beatles and now we just need Yoko.
by January in time for CES?
I'm not a woman engineer. I'm an engineer.
Great. All right.
that is left in this drawer.
is that you can't get all of it out-- look at that!
- This is nonsense? - Yeah.
Yeah, I'm in the three-comma club.
some good, some bad.
- ...four, three-- Good boy. - What the hell is that?
so as long as we vote together, we can carry every vote.
we're offering to a couple prospective hires,
All right, uh, is there anything else we need to cover?
I'm talking Pied Piper mouse pads, puzzle cubes,
I think we'd be foolish not to do it.
I thought we agreed to present a unified front here.
Total asshole parade. Anyone want these stupid things?
And until we get real office space,
Yeah, yeah. Mercedes hybrid.
you can submit a written complaint.
I know this is a joke among friends.
Okay, that one's easy. No, you cannot.
How do you know? You have the same one?
It's so people don't get jealous and throw a hissy fit.
- What? - Yeah. Why, what are you guys getting?
so what do we do here?
You want me to email Russ Hanneman right now?
Have a nice night. Thank you. Next.
Then people say, "No, you can't come in."
but several employees have lodged a complaint against you.
Look, you and I both know how much you make.
Huh. So in effect, the policy worked.
from "Other Jared" to "Original Jared," so now it's a compliment.
and I will rescind the offer.
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 26, 2015
While considering Gavin’s proposal, Richard is approached by Russ Hanneman, an image-conscious billionaire who wants to back Pied Piper, but may not be as “hands-off” as he claims. Gilfoyle and Dinesh play hardball to get what they want; Gavin finds a new strategy in dealing with the enemy.
that was fucking priceless.
Like my ride?
Must be the rivet in my pants. These are cool pants, too.
Come on, fuck you! Drive!
against the leaders of our industry.
Look at history.
- Hold. - This is very hot.
Well, no one ever got laid putting money in the bank. Am I right?
and then I looked at it with fresh eyes.
Yeah, yeah. You guys are not going back to Hooli,
So he's a joke. Who cares?
and shove us right up their fucking assholes.
So you'd rather me sell my soul to Gavin Belson
What do you mean he went with someone else? Who did he go with?
He's utterly distasteful.
had it not been for the-- the courage
But now it's down to business.
Did you see the hiring proposals
Ditto. I need every one of those guys on my list.
- Three for each of them. - Three? Are you serious?
Because we're negotiating against each other.
Did I see a McLaren 650 S
No, I'm totally kidding. I'm diffusing the tension with humor.
I am the owner and proprietor of this house.
if we got on the same page in regards to the budget.
Okay, so I think, actually, if we went back closer to...
- Okay, back to it. - Get a fucking pen. Go again.
top litigators, we feel this gives us the advantage
Now if you'll follow me.
And we're going to punt...
What? Revenue? No, no, no, no, no.
it's about what you're worth. And who's worth the most?
That guy is crazy. I love that guy.
That's the one you frame and put up on your wall.
We're getting Pied Piper out there.
Hanneman Outdoor Media. I own the billboards.
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 19, 2015
In the wake of Hooli’s bombshell, Richard and the guys struggle to find a backer as they face legal and financial woes. Monica attempts to balance her interest in Pied Piper with her job. A cash-strapped Dinesh tries to put an end to the Kickstarter campaign for his cousin’s new app, Bro. Richard gets a surprising offer.
May I suggest the... The beige ensemble
But the fact that you're so
sorry makes it all better.
and you're not very good at
it either. You look great.
I'm gonna go put my face on.
No, I... I get it.
(theme music playing)
So no pastries today, huh?
We're really excited to be
in business with you guys.
Whoa, whoa, I did not call you a pussy.
and you will be irrelevant.
- Fuckin' Gavin Belson.
Well, I would love to, but he looks up to me.
You know, cool stuff. He was
always getting in trouble,
If he doesn't get there, none
of the pledges get collected.
and said some things that I should not have.
for allowing me to come in here today
and I watched you put your
testes on this reclaimed
Bro? Like, it lets you send the word
"bro" to anyone else that has the app.
to kill such a great idea.
You know what? You're right, you're
right. That's what makes you so cool,
Everybody, this guy is the coolest cousin!
he got excited, he triple-liked my
"bro," and asked about meeting us.
Okay, Jared, what... What did you tell him?
It's sexist, but it's about friendship.
I mean, you can't compress something
that's already compressed to entropy.
I would love to pee.
Those guys are never going to
fund us. We need to leave now.
so they can take your binoculars.
(snaps) You guys are really helpful.
the app that proves that
you can change the world
and not a homeless shelter or schools?
In Latvian, it roughly translates to
You know what "bro" means in Navajo?
Looks like I got here just in time, bro.
You pay me $500, and I won't pledge anymore.
I dropped him from Bro,
but I just wanted to give you the good news.
- I know, right. It's like it's free.
Richard. Thanks for coming.
Well, that's up to the courts to decide.
Aired 5 years ago - Apr 12, 2015
Following their success at TechCrunch Disrupt, the guys of Pied Piper find themselves aggressively courted by every VC in Silicon Valley. With Peter Gregory’s company facing major changes, Monica tries to do what’s best while dealing with new
managing partner Laurie, a competitive bigwig who will do anything to hold onto Pied Piper. Later, Richard makes a decision about the company’s future and faces big news from Hooli.
- Well, well, well, look who's the big swinging dick.
I blew my whole signing
bonus renting that house.
Oh yeah. (cheers, applause)
- Actually, I am the boss of you.
Yeah. He was...
And he shot Peter Gregory by accident?
So, what happened to Peter?
and that's all of these one-man
firms have a key man clause.
At least that's how I read it.
At the current rate, the
world's data storage capacity
- Would it make you feel awkward to sit?
Are you aware that we own a $30
million ostrich farm in Morocco,
now more than ever, to our investors
as well as to the industry at large.
This could jeopardize the firm
We're walking in there with three-foot
cocks covered in Elvis dust.
You can't expect to just
throw money at an algorithm
and then acts like he doesn't even want us?
and I've got half an ass
to go to some other company
I hate this part.
they try and bring our price down,
(chuckling) hit critical mass.
We have a bunch of these things to go to,
Then you married poorly.
No, this is... all wrong.
Hey, let me try. I want to
be rude at this next one.
- Right on the table.
- On purpose?
There is a linear correlation
between how intolerable I was
a very competitive offer,
but for numerous reasons,
Uh, thank you.
Erlich: So, I push my dick to the
side, unbutton the bottom buttons,
Oh. Wow. Thanks for the compliment.
and grow at a reasonable pace.
Even that might be too high.
So... I'm at peace with it all.
All that money...
but we need to renegotiate the terms.
And one more thing... Monica
votes for Raviga's board seat.
But how exactly can we quantify
and I know that if Peter
were here with us today,
It was in his mom's garage,