The League

The guys try to hide the Shiva Trophy from their high school classmate - the actual Shiva. Taco gets a "real person job at a Volkswagen dealership.

- You're up. - Before I do, I wanna tell you something.

- Uh... No. - Whose underwear are those?

She moved up here from Minneapolis about three months ago.

- Yeah, I didn't. - Oh, right, that would be...

I think it's pretty easy to keep my Fantasy Football life away from my real life.

- Okay, all right. - Let's celebrate, shots, shots.

So? I'll crash at your place tonight.

- Let's just keep what we have. - Tinkering works.

This is a closed session.

- Completely different. - It is not.

No problem. No problem.

Because I'm going to be with my good luck charm, Shiva.

...hold it over my head, and tell everyone, "I, Andre, won the Super Bowl."

Got it out of your system? Not gonna do that for 15 years?

- Ugh! - It smells like squirrel diarrhea in here.

All right, can you guys please stop? The free ride's over.

All right. Now I have three pairs.

I know what the issue is here. He's got the real Shiva.

- No, football. - Oh, wow. All right. I don't really watch.

- Who's that? - I don't know.

This is crazy. Did you do this?

You guys came to say hi. See you guys later.

- He's a musician. - Taco's a musician.

- Absolutely. - I will get you one.

You better watch out because Ruxin went for the laundry room.

- Give me this. - This is such a great party.

- You think? Yeah. Because she is. - Yeah.

May I purchase you an ale of any variety you choose?

No. No.

- Because you're duplicitous. - What does that word mean?

If you don't mind picking up the check, that'd be great.

All right. Let me take a look at her.

- Thank you. - All right, let's...

I don't think we need to go quick.

- Not sure what the problem is, Dr. Nozic. - The problem is, you are a deviant.

Because he... I don't know, you just gotta trust me.

Andre, do you want to stay?

To be clear, my testicles will be in your hands.

Pete and Kevin get stuck at a terrible Christmas party instead of watching the games, while Ruxin and Taco go to Chinatown on a very special mission.

Those are rechargeable. I wouldn't mind having those.

...a taco bag. - It's also from the box.

Where you been the last few weeks? You're a ghost.

- Oh, bullshit. - Bullshit.

You know what, I'll take a glass of three-penis wine, please.

- Oh, my gosh. - Oh, no.

The only thing Sofia wants right now are these ridiculous Chinese figurines.

Sorry. What was the product that you wanted?

Even though the doctors said she was gonna be a girl.

You're really doing this because this is the playoffs.

- Thirty-four, 32's. - Okay.

- Fine. Please, hold my lip gloss. - No, I can't hold your lip gloss.

- I'm not gonna be your lip-gloss Sherpa. - Fine.

...say something witty, so he knows I was here.

- I'm just here as a friend of Craig's. - Excellent.

...and we make soups out of only found items.

Apparently this place is really good. It's Tom Berenger's favorite Chinese restaurant.

These figurines are awesome. I appreciate you helping me.

...and the two are just kind of for taste.

Aw, chewing on his tongue like it's gum.

Poor Chinese frittata.

How about...? What's this? Can we get some of this?

- What makes you say that? - He was like, "soup." Soup sound.

That'd be a pretty fair trade.

- You're not leaving are you? - You know, I was just...

Old-Chinese-man piss.

Would you like to wait for a gesture, or would you like to keep guessing? Okay.

- Absolutely. - Yeah, I think so.

Is it Dune? Is it Dune?

Change your lineup. The afternoon game hasn't even started.

- Bryce, I'm so sorry that this happened. - Good day.

- Not good. - Yeah.

Your words hurt people. You need to know that.

- Did Andre even call you? - No. I just told everyone to meet us here.

I understand the Bears game is close, and that game is a blowout.

I will drink a lot.

The guys join Pete on what was supposed to be his 5th-anniversary spa trip. Meanwhile, Kevin enlists Taco to scare his daughter off of her new toy, which Kevin hates.

Meegan and I are splitting up the stuff...

Just because I like to eat doesn't mean I cook.

PETE: Daddy, dance with Mr. McGibblets.

- That's a Taco job. - That's a Taco job. You're right.

- Okay. She's not home. We're good. - All right.

You mean the little guys in the white cars?

- What did you think of the Man Mix? - Honestly...

I already told Sofia that I had some lawyer bullshit this weekend.

Starting with a romantic dinner for two in a private dining room...

- I'm embarrassed. I apologize. - I can see how that's misleading.

- Let's keep it. - Let's keep the couple massage.

I'm gonna write my cell phone number on here, just so, you know, 24 hours a day.

- I don't know which running back to play. - Whoa.

That's why I had to bring this guy with me. My CPAP machine.

- Why? Because she was hitting on you. - Yeah.

...hospitality and flirting are somewhere in that gray area in between.

...it is common courtesy to give a reach around.

Where did you come from, Pierre Garcon?

- Ugh. It smells like cat food in there. - What were you thinking?

...or even be around the Mr. McGibblets ever again.

Fuck.

Consensual my ass, okay?

- You think? - I got a trade in mind.

Dance for me.

This is the TV room.

Hm.

Here's some keys, so you can come back whenever you want.

We got an upright birthday mascot. He's exiting a house carrying a satchel.

Tickle me and rub my belly

Whose smoke shop did you get it at?

No, I ate the leftovers you left in the hallway.

PETE & ANDRE: Whoa!

Pete, look at me. Look at me.

...because today is about you, finding you a woman, and losing your second virginity.

PETE: She does have a sweet can. She also has a nice set of ears.

She's got a nice pair of Sharapovas over there.

- What's up? - Hey, brother. Wasn't expecting you.

She wants to know when you're coming back.

- I mean, who else is gonna show up? - Gentlemen. Mr. Eckhart.

She wants you to put it in her Davenport.

There's also some really beautiful gardens and some nice hiking trails.

Right this way.

But in spite of that, I've been having a great time with my number-one friend, Pete.

And he gave me Plaxico Burress.

Ruxin invites everyone over on Sunday to watch the games, see the baby, and have lunch. His guests get much more lunch than they expected, as Ruxin and Sofia forbid the gang from watching football during their meal.

They know if they're playing.

You've really... You've done enough to my psyche.

You know what, I can't because I have to do a house-call thing.

Well, guess what. I've always been this good. I've always been a champion.

- It's bullshit, man. - Oh, really?

...with a tinge of admiration...

Andre Potter and the Fantasy Zone is coming for you.

- I'm sorry. Heh. I'm so sorry. - All right? Hey, it's cool.

- There you go. - Yeah, we're good.

All right, LT. How's the ankle, bud?

Is there a problem?

No, my Uncle Pete had his larynx taken out. He talks through a hole in his neck now.

Just hook me up once, please. Is LT gonna play?

- Lose it. - Thank you, sir, thank you.

Don't ask these people, tell them.

It's a baby.

I told her the church was like a really progressive synagogue.

Whoa, I thought I was Ellie's godfather.

Gonna hang out with Ellie all day. It's gonna be awesome.

- So, Jenny... - Suck it, Ruxin.

She picks everything up.

- Well, let's do it, girlfriend. - All right, Taco, bring it on.

- What's that name? - Moral.

- Sorry, I can't talk to you right now, bye. - Oh, God.

- That's Cale's seat, but I'll let you sit in it. - By the way, awesome name.

The Ark of the Covenant, he melts your face.

There's a man in your kitchen performing your husbandly duties with your wife.

So in horse racing, oftentimes they'll bring in a lesser horse...

Yep. Hey.

I gotta go, man. I can't talk to you, it's...

We're hearing you, and we're gonna try harder.

- That wasn't funny. You're right. - It's hilarious to you guys.

Oh, Andre, we care about your enamel."

Nobody likes the honeydew.

Okay. Well, we'll see.

- Lunch is ready. - Awesome.

- Ta-da! - All right.

- Thanks, Sofia. Looks great. - Thanks.

- Fuck you, Ruxin! - Jesus, Andre.

We just need to go on an information lockdown.

...like in Communist Russia. - This is gonna be, like, football Gestapo.

- He had this great idea... - How food like this has to be savored.

- This is bullshit. - Abide by the pause.

- How far are you gonna take this? - All the way.

Pete's split with Meegan intrudes upon Ruxin's marriage, as Sofia is neglecting him sexually in order to spend her time helping Meegan deal with the break-up. Meanwhile, Jenny reveals to Sofia the sexual secrets that ensure that Kevin will never leave her.

- Where you guys going? - Couples' dinner.

I mean, she gave him all the good years. Pete hasn't even grown up.

- I love you. - I love you too.

How's the baby?

Come on, feel it. Come on, feel it.

- Okay. SOFIA: It's killing me too, babe.

RUXIN: You do. - You're dropping P bombs.

You don't need to know about it. I am proud of it.

First of all, you can't just go up and talk to a girl anymore, all right?

- Okay, yeah, she hates you right now. - Right now.

What's up, T-Bag? Can I get the usual?

You just do. Guys...

- What? - It's too much money for the valet.

No, no, no.

- This is very, very unlike you. - I'm gonna show you why I'm so confident.

Knock, knock, knock. Oh, well, this place is a shit hole.

- Are you having sex with your wife yet? - No, no, I'm not.

You put up with this shit that's completely unacceptable in any other situation.

I can't go back to the beach, man, I'm done.

...I would have to spend 100 percent of my time with my kid.

More importantly, how is her vagina doing today?

Now, I, being the curious-natured soul that I am, posited...

- Special sex! - Special sex!

[SOFIA MOANING]

These things are getting so big from breastfeeding.

- I think it's gonna relieve me. - Yeah?

- I really need it, don't I? - Yeah, sure.

Pete, I thought your life decisions were gonna prevent me from ejaculating again...

[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON COMPUTER]

Her vagina is a church And her slit is the steeple

When I say "vaginal hubris" You yell "Jenny!"

- Hey. - Hey.

You're defending me?

- I don't understand. - It's not a question...

Keep working out. Stay through the money shot.

I would just like to say...

I am done hearing about her breasts. I am done hearing you talk about my vagina.

I'm a new father. And that is scary.

We'll throw in Torry Holt.

- Deal. - Deal?

I'm sorry, babe.

I got this, I got this.

PETE: Thanks, my friend. BOUNCER: No problem.

l... I didn't sleep with Patty Lee.

Eskimo brothers are dumb, all right?

Be like, "Here's my card. Whoops, sorry about that."

A group of friends from Chicago begin their annual fantasy football league by preparing the league draft, but three-time defending champ Pete has a problem: his wife Meegan doesn't want him to play this season.

No thanks. I'm just... Just looking.

If you were to come back here and touch them, I...

Smearing poor Tubbs here with excrement.

I used to be in a war, and I put paid to quite a few like you.

So long as I don't have to listen to any more of your disgusting babble.

So today we're going to have a brainstorming session.

down the High Street, where we'll see lots of people doing lots ofjobs.

It's Mr Cabbages. And his job is...?

- Fireman! - We've got that one, Mickey, love.

- Slow down! - Tinker, tailor, soldier, spy.

J-O...

But we won't know about lubrication until they open me up.

I was only saying to your Uncle Harvey over breakfast,

It's just a little thing, but we ask you to leave your shoes in the front porch.

Of course, of course.

And the right one closer to the left.

I shall be inconvenienced, as this room serves as my study,

- What? - Mmm.

- What do you mean? - They're deaf, aren't they?

It's just through here, veterinary.

Here she is, veterinary. That tumour puts another half stone on her.

My little princess. Aren't you, chick?

PAULINE: So, job seekers.

- I know, but what time is it? - 4.15.

How's he going to get an interview if he doesn't know his job options?

Try me.

- Barbara. Are bummers deaf? - I've no idea.

- What? - I breed toads for a hobby.

You may give a toad a wart, but a toad may not give a wart to you.

While the wee wife's away, just a few words on the subject of onanism.

I'd hate to think of Chloe or Radcliffe

Good!

All right, all right...

Alright. There's these three fellers.

- Eh? - Sit down.

- Oh! - He remembers it.

- And what did he pick? - The Englishman chose cherries.