Veep

Selina and her staff prepare for inauguration day; Mike suffers from exhaustion; Catherine gets a makeover.

Think I'm gonna need an agent, you know,

I have a feeling you're gonna do some really great things.

- but I will be continuing on... - Oh.

Great. Thank you very much. Yes, thank you.

I... I guess so, yeah.

Congressman Ryan's office.

Uh, thank you.

And, of course, with the presidency vacant,

- Ma'am? - What?

- What? - Mr. Murray.

That was... no. That was 10 years ago.

50-49. This is not Montez. She's getting help.

is a pleasure and an honor,

Now you know what it feels like.

That magnificent woman

- Gary... - Oh, shut up!

Well, that just kind of made this whole year worth it.

So what's the reason now, then?

Mine takes place in an alternate timeline

and her family will spend tonight at Blair House.

I mean, really, seriously, you're one of the good ones.

I would have said, "Please, can I be president?"

Ah, wow, that's starting to make a whole lot of sense.

Ma'am? Okay.

Oh, my God, I hope I didn't fuck Richard.

Mom, you're gonna do something with your hair, right?

Do you realize the whole goddamn Rayburn House Office Building

Now let me give you some advice

My fucking nuts!

I'd think that you'd know the place like the back of your hand by now.

Here's an interesting fact.

Hell, when my boys were that age, they'd have just torn this place apart.

Okay.

And she's greeting a very attractive stranger.

Oh.

...that I will faithfully execute the office

Gracias.

And on board that plane are the so-called baby lamas,

and may God bless America.

having a little place on Main Street, hanging a shingle out front,

- Where's Sue? - I don't know.

Yeah, that's not a baby.

Catherine and Marjorie have a fight; Mike prepares for his babies; Selina is interviewed.

A pre-Christmas celebration for Selina's family at Camp David camouflages her team's secret negotiations. Amy and Dan work on Jonah's human side after a terrible debate performance in New Hampshire.

And, Catherine, do you remember that Brazil hotel chain?

but I actually do think we need to get some wood from outside.

and an engine assembly plant in North Carolina.

No, I'll tell you what he likes. Nordic beav.

and you've fallen 20 points behind the Widow Sherman.

It's been a very hard year.

- Really? - Yes.

So this is unacceptable.

Oh, you got Marjorie a gift.

It's a first edition Gertrude Stein.

Yeah. Oh.

Thank you. I didn't get any of that except strawberries.

This is just lovely. Thank you very much.

This is exquisite and I really hope that's all.

Thank you for this rock.

which makes it local to you

from the Second Hague Conference of 1907.

They say you look like a prisoner

Turn on the...

I tell him now what I told him then...

On a walk?

Except without any food.

Ah, Jang, that was my daughter

- Marvin Gardens. - You want it?

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh.

I am right in the middle of something.

Ah, well, it happened

_

How do I put this delicately?

This happens occasionally in Iceland,

But what you're gonna need to do is let him get a word in.

Well, that does not change the fact

This is not happening.

So we can conserve the rest.

they've been better, I realize.

Your mother has given an amazing pen to the Chinese leaders.

Like a Chinese Mr. Darcy.

- I'm freeing Tibet? - No, no, not free.

It is, of course, tragic

I don't want to talk to you.

- Hey, baby. - Well, yeah.

culturally significant and traditional...

Although, perhaps when things are as significant as Tibet,

What is happening?

The White House Christmas party finds Selina canvassing for votes to break the election tie. The '50 Hottest D.C. Staffers' list is on everyone's lips in the West Wing. Mike mulls a career move. Dan helps Jonah hone his debate skills in New Hampshire.

With the U.S. on the brink of a major financial meltdown, Selina must make an important decision. Jonah finds himself back in New Hampshire. Amy investigates the staff, and Catherine tries to get time with Selina to share major news.

Do you morons really not understand that this is a two-way mirror?

Uh-huh. How is Catherine there and also here?

- Nope, that's not it. - You've got to spin it.

- Oh, we need Dan Egan. - Dan turned us down.

Hey, Dan. You want to go to lunch later

- If he wins, you're a political genius. - I'll think about it.

No, I... I have no idea.

I don't care what hits we take.

I was looking thoughtfully out the window.

Copyright shit went out with the Zune.

You're glowing.

Whatever you decide is best.

- Hello, ma'am. - Amy, come to my office.

So I think we should push this investigation

Yes, ma'am.

Well, now I have, too, apparently once.

Or the guy in college who wanted to watch me pee.

It's worse than we thought.

I could lose them both. I mean, at this stage they're purely decorative.

But I've done some deep soul diving

Okay, well, fuck him if he thinks I'm gonna back down.

Get a picture of me and this guy's mustache.

I assume what I'm seeing is the patented Egan touch.

He couldn't go to the bathroom?

On second thought, we are now going to bail out

I suppose you need something to nervously shit out.

Although you do have the perfect face for it.

No, you told the president to bail out Charlie's bank.

I still remember that lovely macaroni portrait

Gentlemen, you'll have to towel off and wait.

It was my pleasure. Oh, gentlemen.

Have both plans ready to go.

Dan, you're on with the president.

but I'm gonna guess that it has the word anal in it.

- She has never respected me. - And I'm bad at my fucking job?

I want you to go out there and I want you to kick some New Hampshire ass.

Her whole presidency has been one disgrace after another

go to my friend here at "The New York Times."

It was me. I called the president the C word.

I've made my final decision.

because when you have found someone you love,

Madam President, what will you be buying for Mr. Baird?

I already have a book.

I know you had an eye job.

Selina celebrates Thanksgiving in her own special way. Ben and Kent manage a Thanksgiving Day crisis, deploying Tom James and VP Doyle to make statements in Selina’s absence. Ben sends Dan to work for Tom James.

But we're doing a whole dinner at her house.

They're ready in the Roosevelt Room.

but this is the White House mess and to be in here,

- Well, I'm ready if you are. - For what?

My eyelids are seriously starting to look like Keith Richards' ball sack.

- Right. - After, you know. Wish me luck, though.

I thought you said tea-bagging.

It's not a problem for an actual doctor.

POTUS is still getting permanently Photoshopped.

Just the guy I wanted to see.

I think that's genetic.

She will be making a full statement soon...

Shit, I don't even know who's at my house.

The cases now number over 200.

- from Cornell University. - No, you don't.

- Wow. - It's okay. It's okay.

- And we're clear. - I love the Hanukkah bit.

she fucking hates you as do I.

Well, if she's not incapacitated, you don't need me.

How do you feel about the term Turkeypocalypse?

I'll come and pester you to be back at your desk in an hour.

- Hello? - Happy Thanksgiving.

Of course. The salmonella outbreak.

Okay, we've got Congressman Coffey.

Our surrogate Debralee is a go.

- You got one of those... - Yeah, lint brush. Sure, right here.

Well, in many ways, this could be the best thing that could happen.

God, he is such, like, a little man, isn't he?

Not to eat, just to talk.

And I'll be honest with you. I don't think you're being honest about being honest.

all clients, of course, of Sidney "Why is That Guy Calling Me" Purcell.

- You had a nervous breakdown, right? - It was not a breakdown.

- I just want to see if I have that balm. - Oh, goodie.

Thanks, guys. I got it. Come, sit down, please.

Listen, I will go out there with my golden boy smile,

As most of you already know, Congressman Harry Sherman passed away today

- You know what it could be? - What?

and five really hungry people, so I'm gonna need you to be really quick.

but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Jeff: I spoke to the governor.

You don't give me names, Beardo. I give you names.

- and I don't shit where I eat. - Well, me neither,

for farmed salmon with a side of zucchini.

- Good night, Brookheimers. - Bye, Dan.

there is going to be a special election back home for the seat and...

Of course, up against the Widow Sherman,

I went to the White House on a three-week placement.

Selina rushes to the hospital while attempting to win the presidency. Amy and Dan discover the O’Brien camp has staged a fake protest, and task Jonah and Richard with organizing their own pro-POTUS demonstration. Mike and Wendy meet with a potential surrogate.

to get these ballots counted, okay?

Wow, hi. You got here quick.

Okay, sweetie, the president does not want to hear my resume right now.

We've all been hanging out a bunch.

is whatever is playing in the background at Neiman Marcus.

She always wore dishwashing gloves when she gave me my bath.

Keep everything organic. I exercise every day.

It's a small congregation, but it's fierce.

There's not really a plug.

- Marjorie, can you help me with this? - Yes, ma'am.

clearly demonstrates that this man does not possess the judgment and dignity...

- Of course. - I recognize those words.

with your pro-POTUS signs and get your camera-unfriendly faces on TV.

- Do you pray? - A lot.

"O Lord God, it's me, Selina."

Lord, let her daughter, Thy humble servant,

those you loved cannot be lost

Okay, Nicole, you can go ahead and begin.

- Yeah, okay. - My condolences.

issued a temporary stay of certification.

You pulled the plug without me?

That would be a good story for the eulogy.

of a pathological narcissist.

- You're too kind. - No, it's true.

- They're well-wishers. - Really?

I love you.

I'm not even aware I'm doing it anymore.

I'm gonna have a lovely inauguration. Billy Joel is gonna sing.

I'm tired of losing things!

that it's "Stop the Count" now and not "Count Every Vote"?

Maybe I'll get assassinated.

- We're not at Club Med. - In here...

- God. - Charlie.

- The eulogy is all set. - Okay.

then nobody is supposed to like Tim McGraw.

No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds.

may undermine their very fragile economy

I'll tell you after.

Fallout from Selina's tweet gives Mike a major headache; Amy is unsettled by Bob's power grab; Gary finds himself the bee's knees at a museum gala.

What Alan Turing is trying to say is if there are missing votes,

All right, gonna have to start chumming the media waters.

See? Crapistan's calling.

What?

Impressive. How did you secure a reservation there?

- Please, stop... ma'am? - Mike, what are you doing?

I suggest that we disavow the tweets.

- There was a breach earlier today. - Mm-hmm.

Actually, ma'am, I have a better idea.

I mean, can I really blame another country

The president believes cybersecurity is paramount

I will not dignify the president's petty remarks with a response.

...O'Brien is gonna kill us in the House over this China thing.

Have them what? Have them help us park in front of a fire hydrant?

So you want to grab a drink or something?

as long as you promise not to put your dirty gay mustache on it.

Why don't you fuck off back to Burger King?

No, no, I'm always awake.

Yes, you think my instincts are right?

five to six hours if you need anything else.

Well, that seems to have shut O'Brien up, huh?

- No, this is not...

Good to see you.

We all know you're as folksy as a butter churn lamp,

- Did this come from India? - I don't know. Did you get it?

I love to hear that. Okay, you're hanging on to me like a skin tag.

Bob, are you okay?

I was able to get in touch with Susan Bailey at the "Reno Star,"

and she is legit fuckable.

The fuck is going on?

and a longtime generous benefactor of this unique institution,

Dan, are your ears on mute?

- Shut the fuck up. - Shut the fuck up, Jonah.

Sometimes up to 16% end up missing or thrown out.

Amy, what are your top five favorite De Niro movies?

I already thought about that.

Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

- Stegosaurus, the arm... Gary? - Mm-hmm.

This is a simple and straightforward case.

In many cultures, the word vote can mean a myriad of things.

What? Where is he?

Amy, Dan, Jonah and Richard go all out to win the election for Selina. Meanwhile, Tom is unceremoniously ousted from the new banking task force; a well-known D.C. fixture joins the team; Selina meets a Wall Street titan; Mike aims to improve his health before becoming a father; and Kent is curious about Sue's age.

This Olympic-size swimming pool of shit

The president will be there shaking hands

Unbelievable numbers. Though also tragic.

if the recount sample shows a difference of 1% or more,

- That's Crawley versus Nevada? - That's Crowley.

You just gave them a Time Life instruction manual on how to fuck us.

(LAUGHS) Catherine, out.

so I checked and he's an O'Brien fundraiser.

to Henry Kissinger back when that tricky son of a bitch

You don't remember me. I was an intern way back when you were...

- My, oh, my. - KENT: Still here?

That's a testament to this voter's earthy

Oh, I'm glad that you're able to turn

Oh, thanks. Yeah, check those out. Genuine crocodile skin.

Can Paul McCartney teach Kid Rock how to be a good songwriter?

Actually, I was gonna say a champion for the middle class,

Where'd you find that? In your sofa seat cushion?

Oh, thank you very much. Oh, Jesus Christ.

But, with all due respect, Madam President,

Madam President, Katie says to tell you Hubbard forever.

Sorry. You should read C.S. Lewis's book on grief.

We can do that. It's a two-minute walk.

Me suck pee pee in teepee.

no, no, no, not you.

or your... the way your head goes into your shoulders so smoothly.

No.

- All right, guys. Right this way. - SELINA: Okay.

Charlie... Baird.

I just sometimes need a little banking task force.

We're not looking at each other's hairdos. What's going on in Nevada?

- Oh, my God! - This is favorable news.

Stop with the Kabuki show and eat a fucking cookie.

Ma'am, Tom James is here sans appointment.

So, economy czar, kids' birthday parties, reflecting pool boy.

Why did Tom James just wrap up his balls in butcher paper and put them in my purse?

I warn you, I had a pretty comprehensive White House tour on my fifth grade class trip.

- No. - Where are they?

This is me. Uh...

I asked my sister to send me a change of clothes

- We're not in Vegas. - (LAUGHS)

- I think you... we started in there. - Yes, they're here.

And you need to know which hand to put the glove on.

- He's from a different age. - When giants walked these halls.

Charlie Baird is one of the great financial minds of our time

You went straight from here to O'Brien's hotel?

- If O'Brien wins the election... - Okay, let's hear what this is.

Thanks. Got to keep the old blood sugar up.

It's the day after the election, and Selina thinks she's found a path to victory. Meanwhile, Catherine starts making a behind-the-scenes documentary; Amy isn't sure if she's back on the team; Dan mulls a new career; and Mike and Wendy plan to adopt a baby from China.

Amy! Jesus.

- Ma'am. - What?

- Oh, and big news. - Oh, God, O'Brien made a statement?

have to pressure his mistress into before the people turn on him?

that you look presidential right now.

to a new POTUS account to talk directly to the American people.

You're as welcome here as a swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue.

- Oh, they all look alike to me. - What?

Why were the exit polls so off?

That is medically inaccurate.

And the tea is cold.

Ma'am, this is Special Agent Marjorie Palmiotti.

um, only because I'm...

Excuse me, ma'am, if you... I'm sorry.

- and therefore the presidency. - Oh!

Uh, we need to get ahold of our people in Nevada. Don't. Don't.

Which is much harder 'cause you have so many different moods.

Jonah, with me, please.

- Good afternoon. - Good afternoon.

by new developments in the state of Nevada.

- What is this? - Did it pop? Did it pop?

- Uh... - REPORTER: The Dow has dropped 986...

- Gary. - Yeah?

Like an empty cop car they park on the side of the road to slow speeders.

What is he doing? He knows that the military hates me.

- You mean off the rails. - Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, Danny boy. Saw you on TV last night.

- It's from you? - Is it?

- How are you? - I am good.

Tom, stop it. You wanted to be Treasury Secretary.

Tom, I'm asking you

Good morning, Amy. This is the president's schedule,

- No. I'm just chilling. - No? Mmm.

with an exceptionally wonderful candidate for coordinating Nevada.

Okay.

Could you take care of this, Jonah?

and to my delight, he said yes.

Right now you're about as toxic as a urinal cake in Chernobyl

Burns way more calories. I am at 22 flights today.

And now you have to excuse me,

She's also got a mole near her Spanx line and it's hidden...

catastrophic mudslides in Idaho.

I don't mean this to sound insensitive,

I'll show you out.

Okay. Oh, good, Catherine. You're documenting this.