Veep

Selina and her staff get ready for the long-awaited groundbreaking for her library. Amy seeks clarity on her role. Jonah asks Dan, Ben and Kent for help.

What's new?

That's right, that's right.

Okay, I'm gonna get the orderly with the big needles.

- Okay, see? He's unhinged! - Mm-hmm.

And so now the staircase goes right up and smashes through the glass ceiling.

- but you chose politics. - What is this, the clitoris?

Ellen just got a spot in the Harper Day School and full financial aid.

Okay, well, that's an excellent idea, Mike,

No way.

Listen to me, Catherine Kinte...

- Okay? I am still a young woman. - Yes.

- How are you? - I'm good, thank you.

that Hughes would never do this if I was a male VP.

Um, well, you are an exceptional woman.

- to shut that down right now? - I'm so sorry to interrupt.

And the only reason that I voted for Hughes is because I knew you were

Then these unfortunates will finally have a home...

You're about as welcome here as Jerry Sandusky at an open call for "Oliver."

I know. That's what I love about you.

Mayor Thompson, I hope you'll support me in November

We are fucked two ways which till Tuesday.

- Nuefeld department stores. - Hi.

because I would love for him to hear about the story

And that's why I need your help telling the Danny Chung story...

Ready for a change, ready for Chung.

- Oh, Amy's out. - No!

You know, my favorite cousin Hamid went here.

- on a piece of pussy. - Oh, good on you, Quartie.

I have another offer and I'm going to take...

I'm embarrassed, but the university is going to have to

- I got waitlisted there. - Oh, oh, ow, ow, ow!

since I went to college.

- I need ice chips. - Hi, I'm Gary.

- No, those are for Daddy. - Ooh, God, Sandra?

_

- I'll take your purse. - No, it's fine.

I'll get your number.

Oh, hello! Look at this little creature.

- I'm all set with sand. - But this is beach sand.

than to have one that is built on the backs of dead slaves.

Both my daughter and my mother

You know, last night, I dreamt that

You're... you're running again?!

I do need to talk to you about your role.

and there are some new options for me.

- Selina, what are you... - And those are assets

- Not exactly. - Okay, who has my speech?

Ben's right... a lot of memories.

Selina's book finally arrives; Jonah has an important meeting; Dan, Ben and Kent go out for drinks.

I know how to spell my last name, Kent.

and he was too afraid to get changed in front of the other boys.

I'm not one of your precious inmates.

Just as soon as you finish your conversion.

Well, most importantly, I hope that you've cherished...

I mean, I studied that footage.

- and have some goodbye cake? - I told them you didn't want cake.

- Ma'am, um... - Ahem, yeah?

Meyer instead sought the counsel of a high school drop-out,

Can somebody carry me to the bathroom?

We did, ma'am.

- Ooh. - Ma'am, do you need to sit down?

Oh, dang! What's up, white boys?

Oh, God, who the fuck invited Dikembe Mutomtard?

Without balls, I'd be swallowing dicks whole just like Joey Chestnut.

Ma'am, "The Tonight Show" is ripshit because you canceled.

"In sleeping with my trainer, I think you could say I did not exercise good judgment."

You know what I think? You sound like the world's gayest AM radio show.

But perhaps maybe you could flirt a little with him.

You are going to retract every word this very nanosecond.

- Still off the record. - invasion of privacy.

- You can have Amy. - Wait, I don't understand.

Oh, my God, Amy, you are making that terrible, terrible news face.

Oh, my God, the lost leg. Ooh!

about the mining of those dead kids' social security and medical data.

- Is my baby okay? - Come on, guys, we gotta go!

you know, under her bed and behind the curtain and in the closet.

What's going on with the foundation?

I have to admit I was skeptical about it at first,

From the moment I have left office,

- and ready to go at any moment. - Why? Why is your plane always fueled?

I wouldn't mind a little time in prison, get away from my wife,

I wish I didn't have one.

- from the Meyer Presidency... - Oh, no.

Yes, he did.

Even you would admit that freeing Tibet from Chinese rule

a heroine for our times.

You, too. Bye-bye.

I've been fired three times in my life...

No shit. So, what do you think?

Well, I don't know how I'm not gonna get it hard

Oh, and there's someone here to see you.

Shut the fuck up, you epileptic Picasso painting!

Sorry you're even related to that human melted candle

and replacing him with his cousin, Ezra.

um, you know, I think I wanna slow things down with us.

What do you mean a little while?

Oh, the "Lhasa Express" gives it five namastes.

- You're the donor. - Oh, father.

Selina takes a trip; Dan woos Jonah to get a coveted interview; Amy convinces Selina to put her in charge of a very disorganized Mike.

No, there is gonna be a raw bar.

I did not vote for you, but I do respect the office.

Madam President, the two of you will be in separate bedrooms

Madam President, we're gonna leave you to get settled.

Okay, okay. How did you know they sleep in separate rooms?

we won't have to pay taxes.

- I'm not doing it. - Your job depends on it.

and I am just like, ah!

because we had to make an emergency landing in Birmingham

- Thanks. - Well, we should get going.

Roll those sleeves up to your pit stains.

I don't understand. What are you even doing here?

Who donated that whole wing to Hughes's library?

- I mean, witness. This... - Oh, my God.

there is no fucking way I am going on your show!

That... that show closed years ago.

Yes! Done-zo!

you aren't going to rape the president?

This is my final offer, all right?

I will not stand by with this anti-almost-Semitism.

- Why? What? - He's one of those real good ol' boys

- Ooh, that's a good idea. - Give the good ol' boy a good ol' time?

I wanna look at the menu.

instead of hunting for your diary at a fucking truck stop

It's not urine, okay? It's probably just water from the urinal.

I was thinking a smoky bronze eye.

He's always interrupting you and insulting you.

Wow! I squeezed my eyes shut, I pulled the trigger.

And you know what I did with it?

but right now, you could piss on every grave in Arlington

without your campaign bus behind you.

What is this? This is the biggest one you could get?

Let's go... oh, fuck! Hey, you could've killed me!

We're just uncomfortable around so many Confederate flags.

I just wanna say a few words for Gary Walsh's 40th birthday.

It's when my daddy first took me hunting for rabbits.

showed me the rabbit that I shot.

Gary, you wanna come up?

- Amy's not in charge of anything. - I wish I had a pen.

There... there's no food here, and the baby and I just got so hungry,

- No, I wasn't snooping... - Oh, and what are you doing?

That's my son, I guess.

and Stewart and the other Bobby,

Congressman Ryan, welcome back.

to stay home and jerk off to Jane McCabe.

- Okay, all right. Never mind. - Just... I really don't care.

He grew up to be Egyptian President Anwar Sadat.

where an agreement has been reached to end the government shutdown.

Selina works on her book as her staff prepare for the ceremony to unveil her portrait. Jonah tries to weasel his way onto the guest list. Dan struggles to solve his on-screen chemistry problem.

No, Mom, we don't wanna know.

I had an aunt who transitioned twice.

- It just... - Gender is simple!

- Yeah, you can't do that. - Really? Why can't we?

- Whoa! - No!

- No, no, no, no, no, no. - You want me to go with? I can take notes.

into Representative Lawler's Nantucket trip.

Until then, I'm Brie Ramachandran.

which is their words, not mine, but also mine.

Look, Dan, Brie, you two don't have to make up this crazy story

We're moving into the big office next month.

I wanted to give you a heads-up

was above all that beltway horseshit.

Yeah.

I think we can all agree that none of us wants to play politics

You are addicted to spending like the proverbial drunken sailor.

when I am talking to them?

and Cherry Tree Choppers sounds a lot more legitimate.

Whoa, no! We're not gonna do that. Are you crazy?

- No. - Richard!

Oh, right.

Tom James, who is telling us about the explosive revelations

Now, Senator, was President Meyer the aggressor?

It wasn't even that good, I gotta tell you.

President Montez is giving that amazing speech about you.

and forget all about those 15 minutes

votes no on HR 2970.

America's financial system is gonna go belly-up like what, Will?

Look, whether I know what an unveiling is or is not

Lights out! Lights out! Lights out!

- I have no idea what these people's names are. - ...so much!

It's like we teleported to post-Katrina Mississippi.

You know, there's not even a punch bowl for me to piss in here.

I know you'd chew your own arm off to escape being handcuffed

Can I have a private word with you?

Of course I was, but I had the courtesy to seem like I might not!

Wait a minute, what was that?

but I still got to be president, and, tsk, you never will.

There were sparks practically flying out of your dick!

- What was that? - That was...

was because I had a crush on you?

- Alethia! - So nice to meet you, President Meyer.

There are so many things

Very nice, indeed.

Selina takes a trip to Qatar; Jonah gets a dinner invitation. Dan has an unexpected visit from an HR rep. Catherine and Marjorie have big news to share.

I can't be with somebody who's physically disfigured.

for opposing the very warlord who photobombed you.

It's too bad we won't have time to see the camel races.

Ugh, God, snore.

Tommy J, he's not all played out like George Washington or Hamilton.

I designed it myself.

Jane just thinks the cold makes her and

Ah, it's nice and chilly in here.

Back in America, people are always telling me to go back to Africa.

- What? - Yep, good idea.

These small commuter airports are our country's life blood.

No, they were out of curds before I got there.

- And you're gonna make me the paella. - You play with the paella?

Yeah, he's bringing me to dinner.

- I'd love me some house arrest. - Are you kidding me, Mike?

as a symbol of your brave stand for freedom.

- Thank you very much. - Oh, my!

potent indeed... to the world

Jaffar, thank you so much

You know, Sudan has significant deposits

We could just discuss registering cargo ships in Panama.

What? Uh... oh.

There are no private meetings at the "CBS Morning Show" without Jane McCabe.

Let me advise you that I built this goddamn network with my own two tits!

- Oh, my God. - It's probably a stoning,

- You got that right. - Be as red.

- Right. - You know?

This is what the Arab Spring was all about...

Maybe they're listening right now.

- Well, there are other sources. - Rots of ruck with that.

to meet with her in person.

what Titty Gonzalez was too chicken-shit to say.

You're gonna wanna take it to a church and marry it, Rog.

- Hear, hear. - Cheers!

- I'm just fine right here. - This is so delicious.

Well, now I want a new office.

That is just so moving!

for that new office for you first thing tomorrow?

But I did bring you a gift.

- Amen, amen. - Yes, absolutely.

Ma'am, here's your speech. Sorry about the hummus stains.

Ma'am, do you prefer Gram-Gram or Mee-Maw?

where you're condemning or embarrassing his record on female rights,

are part of a diverse pageant

who are we to judge?

I'm sure you have your reasons.

I can legislate the shit out of shit in here.

wait until you see the sweet new armchair I just bought.

Selina settles on a location for her library. Dan gets a gossip column. Mike helps Selina with her book. Jonah tries to nail down a big donation. Gary manages a minor crisis at Madame Tussauds.

and everyone disappoints me and nothing works out,

therapists can help with all kinds of problems

Okay, well, Dr. Diane is an asshole, okay?

Oh, fuck!

why don't you make it out to cash?

Have you no shame?

I got another call from the publisher.

Andrew said that he was campaigning long hours at the office for me.

Oh, God, I made Andrew can her slutty can.

Well, I wasn't hungry then! And I need to go to the bathroom.

It'll get dark earlier all year long,

- That's my Shawnee. - Yeah.

Everything that I have been through in my entire life

- Aw, he called you "Squirrel." - Mother up and sold her.

- if you don't want to. - No, it's okay.

- Yes! - Oh, can I join?

- Are you guys, like, besties now? - I don't know.

- In your pajamas? - It's athleisure-wear, ma'am.

- Look at this. - Oh, my gosh.

Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin

to a charity for rescued circus giraffes.

that that's happened since the treatment, since the cancer,

Okay, I had the president's wax figure

Anyway, so Daddy never came home empty-handed.

Aye.

Weird? What are you getting at?

- Thank you. - No, we're not gonna have any Sprite.

I'm sorry I ruined the good vibe.

- I said I would call you back. - You also said you'd fix it, Amy.

- You see any arrests? - Okay, okay, okay. Jesus.

Jane McCabe? Wow!

Oh, so, then how... how did his body get back?

Your mother paid for it. She always referred to it as "the spa."

You know, she had a great head for business.

Uncle George sounded pretty sweet on Mee-Maw, huh?

This was Chicklet's old house.

He was a horse thief!

This is a pencil holder

Jesus Christ.

And you're gonna write it!

And finally, an attempt to break the record

Hey, so, Danny, before I have a morning bagel,

because you're not a billionaire

who makes educational materials for preschoolers.

Yeah, or like a nation of Islam badass.

If I vote no, can I turn your drylands into wetlands?

Selina and her team attend the funeral of a Supreme Court justice. Amy works on securing a location for Selina’s library. Dan tries to maintain his upswing with Jane, his co-host. Jonah finds an issue.

You know what helps? Bananas.

- Yes. - Ooh. Ah.

our prison system is in grave danger

- Hang on a second. Richard? - Yes, ma'am?

of nominees for the open Supreme Court seat...

It's not that. Seriously, that is like

Well, I do understand that, Senator,

Do you actually think former president Selina Meyer could be a good choice?

lift up the sewer grate to the House.

It's usually caused by a partial arterial blockage.

It's just a heart attack! Gary! Gar...

Well, we could streamline the process.

- Yes, hi. - Is it okay with you

There are, like, three girls that owe me an abortion refund.

Um, uh, so we should go to Washington probably, I guess.

No, I had a heart episode

- And you get to buy my book. - Can't you just give me a copy?

Oh, Alabama.

- Absolutely. - If they're wondering why

Just give him that whale dong Jonah, my God.

come back home to suck on my giant congressional ball.

This is your chance to get back in President Meyer's good graces.

Hello?

All I can tell you is that President Meyer is in a closed-door meeting.

Actually, I think Danny should run with it.

I'm starting to look like I should be auditioning for a telenovela here.

They're actually from a very expensive boutique.

Whoo, that Montez is a Latin piece of ass.

And we gotta play this smart.

but I think you're stunning.

- Your Hallowes impression. - It's spot-on.

Fine, the basement. Who gives a shit?

It's like I'm breathing through a tiny straw, you know?

Oh, Gary, I need you to move all of these law review boxes.

I know. Although, you know what?

I'm sorry, Mama. Bunny's late for middle school.

The big hand points to the noon

Sorry betrays a weak spirit. Have a seat, Congressman.

You know what? I am.

- Ding-dong! Dinner is served! - What?

Wow, and you left the bun on it when you cut it.

You must be...

Okay. That's really sweet.

- Oh, you know what? Real quick... - A lot of research.

- You're two hours late. - No, that's impossible.

that Paracelsus claimed was created from putrefied sperm.

that some farmer in Kansas has to milk his cow using a fucking flashlight.

- President Meyer's office. - Ooh.

Selina helps monitor the first free and democratic election in Georgia (the country) and is reunited with an old “friend.” Mike and Gary hide evidence of a major mishap. Jonah and Richard have an eventful night out. Back in the U.S., Dan tries to help Amy.

standeth before me now.

- Now, Ms. Brookheimer... - Mm?

But everyone... yeah, that's...

Yep.

and would be a major victory for the Doyle Doctrine.

- Oh, thank you. - Yes, your stay in the insane asylum,

- and there's no terry cloth robe or shower cap. - Wait, you tested my bidet?

Nobody speaks English here, everything was really confusing to me,

- ...and I said, "It's in my carry-on."

- Mine smelled like paprika. - Oh, God!

- Copy that. - Okay, I just saw it again.

Well, it's a miracle that anybody survives eating sushi in this country, Minna.

Madam President, if I could have a word in private?

young Murman in the countryside, etcetera, etcetera...

It will come from my Georgian AIDS foundation.

Your mother just added democracy to the foundation.

Marjorie and I have decided that we wanna have a baby,

The girl I'm thinking of likes to talk first.

But, look, I can't take that money...

How would we make sure no one finds out about the cash?

- I don't know. - So crazy.

You know, his stories have a solid point.

Right.

- I'm not really sure... - I think it's another 45, 50 minutes.

By I, I mean the people of New Hampshire.

That's where that goes?

the former president of the United States

to the vulgar palaces of Murman.

- What? - It's because we are close as sisters.

Those new corduroys?

- It's actually my favorite joke ever. - That's so good!

Eat the soup.

We will adopt what works and discard what does not.

If I might have a private word.

I agree. It is so much less than you are worth.

a $15 million donation to your library.

Ah, you see, because I have secret.

You know, I mean, even Doyle.

You can come just from your mind?

Good evening, friends.

- for his inauguration speeches. - Shit.

Yes, yes, yes. Listen, Murman,

Perhaps there could be a fountain or a snack shop.

- Yahtzee. - I mean, they're both crooks.

For instance, perhaps we would say there have been certain irregularities

Selina attends the opening of President Hughes’ library. Jonah gets advice on how to rise in the political ranks. Dan suffers through Jane’s whims. Amy releases an attack ad.

- Totally forgot. - I need a monument to Selina Meyer.

I wanna talk to every Tom, Dick, and Gehry out there.

Luckily, Will's anal halitosis

Jonah Ryan needs to make waves.

- Andrew gave it to me. - Ma'am, could you please stop dancing?

Lee, I've been rustling the bushes...

I've been standing here the entire time, ma'am.

Okay, Helen, I'm so sorry. Can we just take another five?

Well, your undergrad alma mater, Smith College,

I had to bring her to work today, and we're playing hide and seek,

Hey, guys, wait for me!

Jane, this piece was your idea. I didn't even wanna do it.

Mrs. Furlong likes inviting couples,

married politicians have more sex with more single women

- And voila. - There you go, babe.

from the Meyer Fund to the library?

I mean, why do you make it so goddamn complicated?

Well, we got a "maybe" in Delaware.

I think that title is a bit of a word salad.

You know what, I'm strictly a scotch girl

Mm-hmm, sure.

Sherman Tanz is particularly sensitive

from the gatekeepers of this patriarchal...

Wendy's mom couldn't babysit today.

until Mommy and I figure out our new co-living arrangements.

What? (LAUGHING)

This is thrilling news!

- No offense. - None taken.

Ugh, I'm just... I'm feeling really old.

- I did not recognize that command. - No.

I get so hot thinking of the president sitting in our love puddle.

- You are the fucking devil! - Jesus Christ, he's crazy!

were able to remove the mass without a full mastectomy,

He's like the herpes virus or an unwanted child.

- Because you didn't. - Okay. (SCOFFS)

Now he's just going on and on for no apparent reason.

maybe this isn't a good time

You're like a son to me.

Ugh.

No, ma'am, it's mostly about how Andrew pursued her,

Okay, well, fucked again by the First Chubby.

And now I'm wearing the scarlet letter?

- Don't talk over me! - Okay.

that are involved with the project.

- but in this case... - Believe me, I understand.

- It would totally defuse their rage. - No, no, no, no.

and if we...

One year after losing the presidency, Selina attempts to secure her legacy. Dan tries to ingratiate himself at his new job. Amy’s brash D.C.-style personality proves too much for her new co-workers.

I mean, it's no wonder kids are shooting up schools

Yeah, well, I think sometimes people forget

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

- He's a great guy. - Oh.

- Good, good. Wonderful, wonderful. - Thanks. Ciao.

On the anni-fucking-versary of the historic House vote.

- So? - Sublime.

with a potential big foreign donor for the Meyer Fund.

- President Montez is in town addressing the UN.

Like me jamming anonymous trucker cock in my mouth

He's already got a job

They should be so lucky.

- You were wonderful today. - Oh, thank you.

All right, so, listen, Richard,

Of course, ma'am. Yes.

Well, I came to take Marjorie to lunch.

- She doesn't like "Mom." - What?

- Yes. - ...you can talk about it...

I'm not that interested in what the "coyotay" has to say

Jane's permanent cohost on Friday, so...

Great interview. Charming guy.

We have the National Auto Dealers for 100,000.

- I know. - Plus, they won't cover Andrew's fee.

- with tassels on my sagging tits! - Mm.

from "party girl" to "coke whore for cock," you know?

- Great. - Okay, great.

- Excuse me. - Richard, come in.

- Now she's mad. - Hey, Marjorie,

- Where were we? - First sentence.

McLintock residence. Ellen speaking.

Mike, listen, we're trying to figure out, if you can hear me,

I'm on the phone, okay? You're as bad as these dogs.

Does anybody have anything else to focus on in the world?

It's a cute story. We were playing in the backyard...

reimbursement.

- Okay, look. - Is there something...

if you're gonna run for president again.

And if any one of them objects,

I even got four and a half pity handies out of it, so I kept shaving.

- It will be funny. - Shut up. Stop it.

and you have a fancy tie and a tiny little microphone.

I will absolutely not do this.

- ( hyperventilating ) - Well, yeah, I can, honey.

Okay? Mommy's gonna be president again.

- Thank you. - Okay.

Just forget it.

Great.