Top Gear

Jeremy, James and Richard are each given a budget of £3,000 to buy at auction, a car built before 1982. They then drive to Majorca to take part in a classic car rally. AC/DC's Brian Johnson is the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.

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That long, priapic bonnet

#2

Actually it doesn't feel like a pair of turbos.

#3

but since I'm now doing 140 mph...

#4

The best thing about this car, though,

#5

and flopping down on a sofa made out of Chuck Norris.

#6 #7 #8

that the whole car is pivoting around your hips.

#9 #10

In fact, I'd rather have one of these

#11 #12

(That is a brown Datsun.

#13 #14 #15

I'm on the straight and I'm UNLEASHING 326 horsepower!

#16

Eat my exhaust fumes dinosaur!

#17

a shortened, more powerful version of the old 350.

#18

especially when you look at all the equipment it has.

#19

So, In the 4th Gear, Yes, wanna change to The 2nd

#20

That's very simple and very clever. - I like that.

#21

It's got 26 more horsepowers for a kickoff.

#22

And even this GT version,

#23

THIS is a RACING hen!

#24 #25

And it's not a nice noise, either.

#26

you'd never get invited to a wife-swapping party.

#27 #28

you have to have to one of these for the rest of your life,"

#29

Some say that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous...

#30

.. and that recently pigs in Mexico have started to die of something called "Stig flu".

#31

And they're off! I have to say, these cars aren't really comparable.

#32

Yep, no problems at all.

#33

Hard to tell really with bagpipes. Anyway...

#34

But at least he's OK with the gear change

#35

So It's the Datsun got there, Follow-Through.

#36

The BMW kicking out its tail again!

#37 #38

1 minute 28.2.

#39

less exciting, more expensive and less well-equipped.

#40

telling drivers to pull over at the next junction, get out

#41

It's like going to the cinema and a sign says, "

#42

"The railway station is next left. "-

#43

I tell you what. You know the Government announced earlier this week that 60,000 people

#44

swine flu is getting a bad press. Well... Have you noticed?

#45

but look at it this way, parking spaces for the rest of us will be easy to find.

#46 #47

He looks like a male model. Look it is. He's absolutely magnificent to behold.

#48

of the man who runs Porsche. Here he is.

#49

"Yes! That's a good-looking car. We should make that. "

#50

cos VW can make a good-looking car - a good-looking sports car. In fact, remarkably,

#51

about two years. It's worth having a look at.

#52

but it's incredibly beautiful and, as a result,

#53

is it's got cameras in its head lamps. looking forward

#54

But it doesn't turn off when you're going along on the road.

#55

wow, choosing which one you want,

#56

You're not allowed to talk on a mobile phone these days

#57

got into London that other day, go on Holland Park a very pretty girl in the car behind.

#58

So it's got lech-o-matic?

#59

Last week, a piano was accidentally dropped on a Morris Marina as we were filming.

#60

were absolutely furious. They went berserk.

#61

Now that's what they said last time, OK?

#62

"If I see Jeremy Clarkson in the street,

#63

and shooting them through his own head!

#64

there was doubt as to who actually owned the car that you ended up driving.

#65

because Carla Bruni went to Nelson Mandela's birthday party in New York

#66 #67 #68 #69

There was a yes over there. The thing is, though,

#70

which is famous for being nowhere near anywhere else in the world.

#71

be the usual series of small challenges but one big one.

#72

'where, inside the shed... ' All right, mate?

#73 #74 #75

At auctions in the past, normally I'm the one at the back, drunk out of my mind,

#76

Here we go. What is that?

#77

Who'll start me? 500? Quickly!

#78

I'm doing what they did in nightclubs in Yorkshire. 700, I'm bid.

#79

That's mine. You bought it?! madman! Look at the back of it

#80

and the first girl that's breathing you go to her and go,

#81

'The next lot was a tasty Ford Cortina. '

#82

I'm not sure. I want a convertible.

#83

'Several terrible cars came and went. '

#84

'And Top Gear's auction new boy went mad. '

#85

What are you doing? 3,400. 3,500.

#86

How much have I paid for it? GBP 3,600. I've got 600 of my own money in that?! Yes, sir.

#87

'unlike James, who, as car after car went by... '

#88

James, it's in budget. You like the colour.

#89

Did you just bid on that, you halfwit? Yes.

#90

but it's got the wrong engine so it's not worth much. Watch this.

#91

7,000... So, Captain Cautious, what are you gonna do now?

#92

What?! The very last lot.

#93 #94

You've got no... 900 quid?

#95

It's a lovely colour. 1,500!

#96

Look at it in here.

#97

The first thing they're going to say is you're running on...

#98

'And it was a damn sight bigger than Jeremy's classic. '

#99

It's a hairy-chested man's car. No, that's the big Healey.

#100 #101

'Still, at least my car wasn't medieval. '

#102

What a dismal racket.

#103

"on the sunshine island of Majorca. "

#104

My steering wheel's on the wrong side of the car.

#105

They're those ones where you have to get from A to B on difficult roads

#106

I dunno.

#107

and the hood here doesn't fit properly. Other than those tiny things,

#108 #109

'I discovered something amazing. '

#110

they were making Hillman Humber Standard

#111

he was a coach builder. He built this car!

#112

'still not going very fast. '

#113

'Meanwhile, I was getting acquainted with Granddad's craftsmanship. '

#114

No. Granddad didn't do the gearbox. That's a Daimler gearbox.

#115

My granddad didn't build that bit. That was somebody else.

#116 #117

Everybody knows a horror story about someone who bought a car at an auction.

#118

'Unlike Richard, whose MOT inspection was now finished. '

#119

It's a wonder you got here with it.

#120 #121

Most of the shackle pins and bits and pieces are very badly worn indeed...

#122 #123

I've had worse than that! Oh, blimey.

#124

it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

#125

He is the lead singer with AC/DC.

#126

What a star! You've come!

#127

cos everybody knows Jagger, Daltrey, David Van Day.

#128

I think the band... It's just the way we do things.

#129

Cos when I said Brian Johnson's coming on the show to friends,

#130

We can live a normal life, you know.

#131

Mike, the helicopter pilot that went down.

#132

His pals knew that AC/DC were his favourite band,

#133

and took his shirt off and waved it out the window

#134

That is a fantastic story.

#135

Is that not...? Since I was a kid.

#136

It drove him nuts so he went to the scrap yard and got a steering wheel

#137

Although there was wallpaper up there, I couldn't see it.

#138

the original cars that you finally got once you were old enough, they were all what?

#139

which had a beige exterior and a salmon pink interior.

#140

You presumably go through the Mini phase at that point. Mini phase was very important

#141

I put them little spready things on the back wheels, and I put go-faster stripes on.

#142

You could get their...

#143

And obviously then AC/DC came along.

#144

I bought an old Triumph Roadster, 1948.

#145

I go for the paper in it, you know.

#146

Sometimes, you know, when you're going round a corner,

#147

Do you have a favourite road? Is that something you still...?

#148

there is a place is called Haydon Bridge,

#149

I've always had to get out and pee on the brakes.

#150

and he promised all the kids, he said, "Thanks for helping," cos they helped.

#151

Really a million. Yeah.

#152

and I went outside and there was this little concrete plinth

#153

They were really upset and the translator came and I'd just pissed on Sputnik.

#154

Er, a Phantom.

#155

When I turned 60, I thought, "I'm gonna get meself something special. "

#156

Yeah, aye, but...

#157

The best time I've had since I started.

#158

Yes!

#159 #160

That was good. Nice and easy, like gravy.

#161

You're being smooth and violent at the same time,

#162

# Oh, you must remember this... #

#163 #164 #165

but you just looked quick. So.. Where do you think?

#166

so this is What, just about there.

#167 #168

You did it in, well... One... forty...

#169

.. five... Oooh!point nine.

#170

Brian Johnson, everybody!

#171

Brian Johnson, 1:45,9,Brilliant!

#172

Great singing voice, nice chap,

#173

What a man! What a man!

#174

Earlier on, we bought three classic- cars from an auction.

#175

Anyway, we then discovered, after we'd bought the cars,

#176

for something called a Regularity Time Trial Rally, which was in Majorca.

#177

getting the Lanchester his granddad had built to work.

#178

On a classic rally, you need

#179

They've... I'm not worried.

#180

We weren't wrong. James had been given Madison Welsh

#181

No, I've never done it! Seriously?

#182

he is the president of the Balearic Motorsport Federation,

#183

The mountain... roads.

#184

no comprendo

#185 #186

so the idea is we get points deducted for being early or late

#187

and then we saw the cars we'd be up against.

#188

10911s, 11, 12...

#189

And then we got even more bad news...

#190

we were out there. So, yeah.

#191

I don't know how this has happened. - I imagine it's James's fault,

#192

So, even before we'd started, we knew we had no chance of winning.

#193

I bet you?25

#194

with the wrong co-drivers and the wrong cars...

#195 #196

Not got a lot to talk about.

#197 #198

My speedometer is saying I'm doing 60mph when I'm doing about 30... No, 20.

#199

When we stop at the next bit I'll write down some speed and distance formulae for you

#200

You can use the two stopwatches,

#201

Actually, there is a slightly, um, oily smell.

#202

Hello?.. Hello!

#203 #204

So we'll then have to go faster to make the... We will have to go a lot faster, and um...

#205

Jeremy, meanwhile, was getting into the spirit of amateur rallying.

#206

We then arrived at the first closed-road stage,

#207

This... at what speed? Quant o...

#208

It's difficult to do this without actually getting hold of the work of the divine potter.

#209

I decided to just do it flat out.

#210

'This made Joan very angry!'

#211

Tranquilo, tranquilo. Rapido.

#212

and that one is then timing it to the next one.

#213

Yeah.

#214

THUD Ouch! Suspension's good then.

#215

Can't see, can't... I've no idea.

#216

'which meant Joan had to do yet more sums. '

#217

But I bet the conversation in the bar at night is fun.

#218

'In fact, the only person enjoying this less than me

#219

and that is a decimal... What? It's 0.85. Times 0.85 by 60.

#220

'Brian and I had finally arrived at the first stage.

#221 #222

So I'm driving about half the speed- my car can go in order to win.

#223

'To be honest, though, right now, my money was pretty safe. '

#224 #225

There's hundreds of lefts in it.

#226

'Finally, we were doing our first stage. However,... '

#227

I'll tell you what's happening in front of us. It's straight ahead.

#228

Well, now, erm... OK.

#229

'James was now trying to charm Maddie with some romantic conversation. '

#230

I don't know what you're talking about.

#231 #232

Just after lunch, we made it to the lunch stop,

#233

So, I've got 3,600 points, the lowest points worth.

#234

'To punish Jeremy for his smugness,

#235

because he won't be able to work out how to do that.

#236

I think it's in there. I can feel it.

#237 #238

When I say short, I don't mean that... I'm not being rude.

#239

my lunchtime smugness was starting to look premature.

#240

'This meant I'd have to choose one gear for the stage,

#241 #242

Dale, dale! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

#243

I can't reach 50 kilometres an hour- on this. It's impossible.

#244

OK, if you say so.

#245

Anything to let me know about? No.

#246

Come on, you should talk to me.

#247 #248

I'm losing the brakes. Perfecto. Vaya, vaya.

#249

We've finished. Yay! Yay! Is that good?

#250

7.46. Yep. Spot on.

#251

I just meant that's what it is.

#252

And a bad smell.

#253

'James and I had no problems though

#254 #255

Please. Sorry, it's really lovely but I can't see the cars coming.

#256

Come on, please, traffic. Please, please.

#257

sit in a plastic chair by the side of the road, go to bed.

#258 #259

'just hour after hour of pedal to the metal action.

#260

serving as a reference time for the following three rounds...

#261

If you break down on your first lap,

#262

Oh, God! Have you seen the oil raining off my chassis?

#263 #264

he would kill us. Yes, he would.

#265

'And I decided, because the Healey was stuck in third,

#266

'James, obviously trying to impress- Maddie was being more vigorous. '

#267

Your teddy bear on the spare wheel is not entirely helpful.

#268

Oh, the temperature's right up as well.

#269

'we were all starting to enjoy ourselves. '

#270

you havenot to work for late You can be who you are,

#271

'the Lanchester seemed to be behaving as normal. '

#272

We did that 29 seconds faster.

#273

was having 'the time of his life. '

#274 #275

'was run calm and steady.

#276

I've got a big Mustang up my trumpet.

#277

O- o-o-o-oh! Power!

#278

No-o-o, no-o-o, no-o-o!

#279

Ah-ha! You weren't ready for that!

#280