Top Gear

Jeremy, James and Richard attempt to find the perfect car for a 17 year-old. Normal service resumes in Abu Dhabi with Richard, a Lamborghini Murcielago SV and a race between a Bugatti Veyron and a McLaren F1. Stephen Fry is the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.

Mouse over thumbnail for slideshow

Or scroll and see one by one:

'The phoning went on, until eventually we had a list of cars that could be bought and insured

#2

Not much in it and nothing you I mean, look at that

#3

Can you imagine a 17-year-old in a Suzuki Wagon R+? Thanks(!) 1L.

#4

'So, we got back on the phones pretending to be Dad.'

#5

'Finally, we were in business.'

#6

'and I was the first to arrive.'

#7

It's a Golf and that's really all there is to say about it.

#8

for very occasional use, such as today, when I've just come to see my mates.

#9

Is it an S Coupe?

#10

It's a coupe! It's magnificent. 85bhp,

#11

'a geography teacher arrived.'

#12

The perfect car for any 17-year-old. Why?! Why? Y-yes!

#13

They did do a turbo... What is that?! A Hyundai S Coupe

#14

There's another very important issue that we must address.

#15

Look at the amount of metal between him and the tree he will inevitably hit.

#16

Thank you.

#17

Ha! You've had it!

#18

You? £500. You?

#19

'Two days later, our wheels were ready and I'd gone for the thing girls love most -

#20

but it's close enough. And I've customised it to fit perfectly.

#21

Well, when I say water bed, what I mean is... Well, it's a lilo.

#22

And then, to finish it all off, some simple, hand-painted turbo motifs.

#23

on exactly what a 17-year-old wants -

#24

BAROQUE MUSIC PLAYS

#25

'While he went for a wee, Richard and I decided to improve his car

#26

What have we got?

#27

We need to glue the whole damn thing, literally every button.

#28

That is... This will brighten his day.

#29

Ooh, yeah.

#30

and the answer to that is yes.

#31

'at the bottom of a very slippery field.'

#32

Maybe we'll have converted him? THEY LAUGH

#33

Ah! This'll answer the question.

#34

"all their camping equipment and stuff into their car

#35

That has to be medical. It must be.

#36

So, that's a piece of cake. Ah!

#37

Nobody's ever said that before. 'James struggled to get everything in his Golf,

#38

I'm outta here.

#39

'Hammond completely forgot about his new body kit.'

#40

'As Hammond and I floundered on the green ice,

#41

James has got the right idea. It's speed, weirdly.

#42

Yes.

#43

Here we go!

#44

No.

#45

Oh, please!

#46

We will pick that up later on. Can I just point out that before we do move on,

#47

Which they will if it's got a body kit on.

#48

And then one day, you'll be in the showers and a big, strange man...

#49

LAUGHTER

#50

What do you do on a driving test if you don't pass it? You...

#51

A traffic light went red as I came up to it and the examiner said, "Proceed as you normally would,"

#52

We were going along and all of a sudden, he hit the dashboard

#53

No, I was being correct. He was anticipating an emergency stop, not an argument, you fool! Was he?

#54

at the other end of the scale from our failure, you turned up with some scissors in your pocket,

#55

That's really what it was. When he said, the man,

#56

what I heard was, "Congratulations,- Mr Clarkson, you are the best driver I've ever seen in my life."

#57

surrounded by sheep that were no longer alive and bits of what used to be my mum's Audi.

#58

which is important and we got distracted

#59

To prop up the car industry, the Government is encouraging you to scrap old cars and buy new ones.

#60

to help Kim Jong-il buy nuclear weapons.

#61

the other is a totalitarian regime,- allegedly making weapons of mass destruction.

#62

Why would the South Koreans nuke Hammersmith?

#63

This is an important point. It is more ecological - and this is a fact,

#64

than it is to scrap it, throw it away and build a new one. True fact.

#65

and not Kim Jong-il. LAUGHTER

#66

Everyone had said it's superbike fast and I thought, "Oh, come on, don't be ridic...argh!"

#67

They're saying it's got more than 500 horsepower

#68

That's just staggering. A Bugatti Veyron, to put that in perspective,- is 521bhp per tonne,

#69

It's £100,000, but I don't believe cars can get better than that.

#70

You strap wardrobes, chests of drawers on there and... They've thought about it. See?

#71

That makes the worst noise... What?! It makes the best noise!

#72

It's like driving along - what's that opera singer called - Katherine...er...Jenkins!

#73

Lady Chatterley, goes in the barn with the gardener, in the hay,

#74

That's my point, it's a brilliant noise. The supercharger whine is a mechanical driving sound.

#75

so the cooler will be mine in 19 days, right -

#76

..the best noise that had ever come- out of a car came out of the stereo- in my 17-year-old Golf

#77

Actually, while we're on the subject of this,

#78

and the Daily Star, in an editorial, says that we've upset the Scouts and the Catholic Church

#79

Germans, blind people, anti-hunt protesters and smokers.

#80

How dare they? How dare they suggest that we would be rude to smokers?!!

#81

and I thought, "Why just do it at the track?"

#82

HOOFBEATS

#83

But the truth is, the place is shot- through with a love of speed...

#84

'the brand-new Lamborghini Murcielago.'

#85

Between me and it is a four-mile, arrow-straight stretch of highway.

#86

TYRES SQUEAL

#87

150.

#88

Whoa!

#89

or, to put it in plain English... the fastest Lamborghini ever made.

#90

'because a brand-new replacement is coming next year.

#91

'because from every angle, this last hurrah looks absolutely evil.'

#92

If a Toyota Prius came up behind and saw that, it would wet its pants.

#93

'So, LP670-4 SV.'

#94

The LP stands for...something.

#95

and also, quite a lot.

#96

It's got a lighter exhaust system, more of it's made of carbon fibre

#97

0-60, 3.2 seconds.

#98

Because that noise...

#99

and it too will die along with this car.

#100

'And I'm not the only one who thinks this car has a human soul.'

#101

Here's Mercedes talking about the exhaust on the SL Black.

#102

"a distinctive 12-cylinder sound from the two trapezoidal tailpipes."

#103

"through the trumpeting of mighty elephants, to the roar of a raging lion."

#104

You just get the sense that before this car dies, they actually wanted- to make it come to life.

#105

has transformed it into a completely different car.

#106

Don't get me wrong, it's still a big, scary car,

#107

Yeah, this'd be a lot easier if the desert would stay still.

#108

It is!

#109

'..but with the more rarefied and expensive hypercars.'

#110

That's an SLR 722 - like an SLR, only more.

#111

'let's see if the 722 can keep its royal status

#112

TYRES SQUEAL

#113

Try that on, fella.

#114

Man, this is close!

#115

Whoa! Braking up to the red light quite hard.

#116

I was there, alongside hypercar royalty. Compared to that,

#117

Quite a swan song.

#118

'the Murcielago has become one of the all-time supercar greats.'

#119

There's some evidence on these seats that you had a crisis.

#120

Thing is though, you've always said- that your favourite supercar is the Zonda F, OK?

#121

Come on!

#122

LAUGHTER

#123

top of our leader board.

#124

What? BOOING

#125

I have to work with that, week in week out.

#126

with German piano wire...

#127

All we know is that's three things he has in common with Margaret Beckett.

#128

Right, coming up to the first corner and he's coming in very hot.

#129

Stig seems to have it all under control at the moment though.

#130

Hammerhead. This is where understeer should rear its head.

#131

And the third thing, obviously,

#132

so that's probably why he's lifted off through the tyres.

#133

this car really is Widow Twankey with a wing.

#134

It did it in...

#135

It's moved up.

#136

It doesn't lie, the F's faster.

#137

He's the voice of the Harry Potter audiotapes, Blackadder,

#138

the only thing we can be sure he hasn't done,

#139

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

#140

What you're really saying is

#141

Yeah, gasp. Thank you.

#142

LAUGHTER No, you're pulling that face,

#143

For example, I've just had Tim Robbins in my ear

#144

I have no idea. You would know, you'd remember.

#145

without the sound of you wafting out of the children's bedrooms.

#146

It staggers me, you've managed to lose all this weight

#147

Nobody loses weight in America.

#148

and by about a month or twoafterwards I was at my full 21 stone.

#149

I did. I actually went to the General Motors Headquarters

#150

Yeah. And he said, "We're still the biggest automobile company in the world."

#151

And when he went to college to do automotive design

#152

If he'd tried that in Australia! Oh, yes!

#153

Yeah.

#154

in a time that was impossible if you hadn't driven in bus lanes.

#155

It is illegal for me to drive in bus lanes.

#156

You read that thing, it says from seven till something.

#157

And it says, "Buses and good vehicles only".

#158

It's like ones that say, "access only".

#159

Yes, it's become rather a large number.

#160

of a specific type of mobile telephone.

#161

where you can play it as a reco... Have you got that?

#162

This one might not be quite so upyour strata but it's called Grindr.

#163

No-one's going to now. Who made that noise?

#164

When you load it...

#165

and it tells you how close they are.- It says he's 20 yards away.

#166

Let's have a look.

#167

Just making sure mine isn't on. LAUGHTER

#168

LAUGHTER

#169

Some of them show rude parts which you won't want to see.

#170

It's a car show, I knew there was something.

#171

I drove in two reasonably-priced cars because the first one,

#172

and we obviously thought that was not safe to have.

#173

It's the second-to-last corner. Yes! Oh, that's a high speed.

#174

OK, there's a third attempt.

#175

Every time, I said to myself, "Smoothly."

#176

Who here would like to see Stephen's real lap?

#177

It might not be fast but let's make it smooth, Stephen, smooth.

#178

With his... That's fantastic!

#179

because that's a bit of understeer.

#180

except around my face! Ah!

#181

Here we go.

#182

That is bang-on, cutting the corner nicely.

#183

That was smooth.

#184

Who else do you think you beat?

#185

The problem is you were beautifully smooth

#186

Oh, no!APPLAUSE

#187

I could give you a hot, it was a hot day and, of course,

#188

Do you know what? I could be guaranteed that Alan doesn't watch Top Gear.

#189

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

#190

Earlier on we bought, insured and customised three cars

#191

when I sort-of ripped the body kit off the back on my Hyundai.

#192

Anyway, coming up now is the most realistic challenge ever attempted on British television.

#193

three hours after we'd said we'd be in, without waking them up.

#194

OWL HOOTS

#195

Oh, God. Ugh!

#196

WHISPERS: Yeah, this is a professional job.

#197

so that it hides the back and my mother won't see what I've done.

#198

50.4 decibels, that's like custard rustling, absolutely soundless.

#199

Come on. Come on!

#200

Come on, you stupid lump of Swedish lead.

#201

THEY LAUGH

#202

I might get in trouble.

#203

and they buried it in the summer house. Job done!

#204

Oh, no, no, no!

#205

and there's quite a lot of damage there.

#206

My Mum and Dad, they didn't wake up.

#207

The interesting thing is what James

#208

JEREMY CLEARS HIS THROAT What?

#209

LOUD TECHNO MUSIC For God's sake! No!

#210

God above!

#211

Can you smell smoke on my fingers? THEY LAUGH

#212

Oddly though, the man in the white coat was nowhere to be seen.

#213

Sunrise yellow.

#214

This man's destroying your Volvo. Are you going to sort him out?

#215

Mind the body kit!

#216

Ha-ha, "As you are 17, it is certain that at some point in the near future,

#217

"This is to find out how easy they are to repair."

#218

..and break out the hammers.

#219

Ah! Argh!

#220

watch that disappear thanks to the magic of polish.

#221

and need to straighten a dent, here's what you do.

#222

'Jeremy, meanwhile, was cheating.'

#223

You were 17? RS Turbo, straight through a fence.

#224

So, do you think you could use some fireman equipment to make that like new?

#225

it's too middle class.

#226

'..we had made no difference whatsoever.'

#227

'Then another challenge arrived.'

#228

"round the Hammerhead, do a handbrake turn

#229

"and you'll have five seconds added to your time for every object you don't hit."

#230

'that teenagers like to crash into.

#231

'that everyone, except a 17-year-old, can see isn't wide enough.

#232

than a good handbrake turn. God, yeah, fact.

#233

I have no feathers... But I can do this!

#234

'Armed with this new information about women,

#235

That's nice. Yeah.

#236

That's him being rubbish.

#237

'With James cleared off the track, I lined up for the off.'

#238

Missed!

#239

My God! That's substantial. Yee-ha!

#240

That's good. Wheelie bins.

#241

There's nothing I can do about the washer bottle,

#242

Yes!

#243

LOUD TECHNO MUSIC Oh, for God's sake.

#244

'why he'd bothered with a helmet.'

#245

'But then as he approached the girls, all became clear.'

#246

I might as well have cut my penis off for all the good that did.

#247

WHISTLING Perfect.

#248

'So now it was all down to me.'

#249

35 seconds before he moved more than a yard.

#250

You all right?

#251

That's my line!

#252

Luckily, children, I got better.

#253

Anyway...

#254

LAUGHTER Is that a minus?!

#255

and it's still here! Look! LAUGHTER

#256

When do you ever see the NHS go, "Oh, that's a nasty head wound,

#257

I got 103.

#258

Yes. Right. LAUGHTER

#259

Our teenage judges said they were prepared to award up to 5 points for a really good one.

#260

LAUGHTER What happened was...

#261

Jeremy Clarkson, it is now between you and me. Yes, it is.

#262

..nothing!

#263

There's nothing else going for you.- No, come on!

#264 #265

This is also consumer advice... The door handle's come off!

#266

Yes!

#267

Anyway, I got nought? Yes.

#268

They did, didn't they? They did. What did they give you?

#269

Fairly beaten.

#270

that the best, THE BEST car for a 17-year-old is a beige Volvo estate with a broken back window.

#271

of the consumer advice for this week.

#272

and, in fact, I'm still there because now it's time for the moment

#273

the first-ever showdown between the- two fastest road cars of all time.

#274

The meeting point for the most amazing collection of numbers.

#275

and a top speed of 252 miles an hour.

#276

the McLaren F1.

#277

It was the fastest with a top speed- of 240 miles an hour.

#278

The engine bay was lined with gold

#279

from the 6.1-litre BMW engine.

#280

the McLaren and the Veyron are actually poles apart.

#281

the McLaren gets...nothing.

#282

It's gizmo cupboard is completely bare.

#283

And that shines through in the way they feel.

#284

that well-oiled, mechanical, metallic feel.

#285

HE LAUGHS

#286

and get in to the Bugatti Veyron.

#287