S13 E3
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in 4 years
Airs
Wednesdays 8:00 PM on BBC Two
SEASON
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Season 13  "Sensibly Priced Small Cars"  13x3

Aired 10 years ago - Jul 05, 2009

Jeremy, Richard and James confront the credit crunch as they attempt to find three sensibly priced small cars that won't make you miserable. James meets American stunt driving legend Ken Block, Jeremy tests the mildly insane Mercedes SL Black, and Michael McIntyre is the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.

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In many ways, then, this is like an American muscle car -
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And is the McLaren £100,000 faster?
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God, that McLaren sounds dirty.
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Smoke coming off the back end!
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But the best thing about the Black
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it's a normal SL in here. I've got satellite navigation and climate control
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But it doesn't last.
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There is no give at all in the tyre side wall.
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You would honestly be more comfortable on a Georgian's kitchen wheelback.
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Look! A pile of stones.
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the traction control comes down like an anvil
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those back tyres cost £358 each.
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And I don't know, but I think that rather spoils the point.
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There are other niggles, too,
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A normal SL can get round here no problem at at...
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That means you're going to run off the road
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and go more than six feet without running out of petrol,
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And then we have to go back to the price.
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and I'm sorry... but it just isn't worth it.
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Am I right in saying that they've only imported eight of these into the UK? Yeah.
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That means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
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he might have been able to raise a smile.
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Traction control off because, of course, he can put those tyres on expenses.
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Oh, dear. Yes, I'm sorry. The Stig has gone all Scottish.
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Just a very big mess in Chicago. So Hammerhead...
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Through the tyres - very, very fast.
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so if we look, it's faster than the original Murcielago,
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which means it's faster than a lot of cars that are now...
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It looks like that, but the most important thing about it is, for this car, they've invented a new word.
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They confessed they've made that up. It's a whole new word. Visiodrive.
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would work very well in their own publicity blurb, would they? Like, flimsy. Plasticky. Lightweight.
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Box on wheels. What? Box on wheels. That's not very good. That was terrible.
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Now, pay attention. OK?
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You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance? Yeah. I got her a power drill.
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Do you know nothing?! Women say they want a power drill but they don't. They want soap. No... They do.
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Did you hear that, girls? Soap is soap! But it is.
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However, the worst thing that you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl,
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it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag.
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No. The fact is, OK,
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"Ring it!" "It's in there. You must be able to see it."
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Look at that. Yeah. Now, that is made from Camaro seats.
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"and the next vintage car show you both attend." Ohhhh!
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And now it's a handbag. On the other side - you can't see it - are the skid marks... NO! No!
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Bear with me, I do get back to cars. It keeps trying to mate with my Labradoodle, and I think
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Sport of melted into one hideous lump. It's a Laverda 3CL.
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"Agh! It's horrible!"
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Can I say...? Sorry about this. Moving on.
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for what we used to call a lovely summer's day.
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You park the car with the engine running, turn the air conditioning off, wind the windows up,
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Because earlier today, while we were waiting for all you lot to turn up,
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Let's just make it fair, OK?
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Oh, yes. It's 53 degrees in our Mercedes now.
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98%. Or less.
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59.7 degrees.
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Guys...
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if you're going to set these ridiculous heat wave level alerts...
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Gordon, they're something else I discovered in that test, if you're watching, and that is,
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and put sun cream on.
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Guys...
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We all know what caused it. Banks were lending money they didn't have to people who couldn't pay them back
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In these difficult times, is there such a thing as cheap and cheerful?
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"Right! I'm going to deploy my cheap and cheerful parachute?"
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Brakes are rubbish.
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Honestly, I would rather be inside Paul Scholes.
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so it amazes me that they can make this thing so dull.
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I think it's out of a Mark I Cavalier.
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The only reason you would buy this car
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I have! I've tried this, the Proton Satria Neo.
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the engine's got no power low down whatsoever, but when you move it,
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"Oh, no! It's horrible. And look at all this!
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At nearly £10,000, the Proton is the most expensive of the three,
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so when I move my head like that, all the cars...blbl-bbb-blbl.
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and this was an ideal opportunity to show Jeremy one of the Proton's other unique features.
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So every time the sun comes out, you then have to open the door? Yeah.
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That's a disappointment. That's wrong!
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A year ago, we'd have been here with a Ferrari, a Lamborghini and an Aston Martin.
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so we thought it'd be a good idea, while we were there,
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BMW X5. X5?
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You have! That's what you've done, and now look. Check it out.
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Every day, constantly down? Yep. Thought about jumping out of a window?
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It just disintegrated while I was looking at it.
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That means that none of them can actually get into their offices and lose all our money!
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RBS - you've been really bad. You can have a Proton "septic nappy".
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Of course, bankers aren't entirely responsible for the problems...
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and went to shout at the Government.
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V8 not G8!
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I can't do that one.
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Acceleration not nationalisation... of the banks.
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Ker-ching! Hit the banks not our tanks! He means your petrol tanks, if you were confused.
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But it was quite hard to understand him.
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I think that policeman's quite cross.
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But we were fed up too... with our cars.
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It's a fact!
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Um...I should point out the producers were very angry with us about that,
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Yeah, but we said we'd made a film to show just how many terrible cheap cars there are out there.
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and this time, choose three cheap cars that we actually like.
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Er...over the years, 105 different people have driven round our track,
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because that's all about to change. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Michael McIntyre!
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Jeremy Clarkson! How are you? Hello. Thank you, Top Gear.
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Why do announcers always say, "Put your hands together"? You'd just go like that, wouldn't you?
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I gather that, on the way down here, people were offering you advice
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The drycleaner is talking sense. The guy who drove me here said, "Don't brake."
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Two years ago - Michael who? And now all these girls...
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It's being going well lately. My show is on the telly on Saturday night after Casualty.
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I'd just like to be on a gurney and then sit up and go,
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University. Is it true you can't remember what degree you did?
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I know it wasn't physics. Is that good enough?
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I remember finding a girl attractive on the first day and thinking, "That'll be the love of my life,"
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My voice didn't break till I was about 23.
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She'd come in... Hello?
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But I did buy my first car to try and seduce women.
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a parked Volvo, which was not... Of all the cars to hit...
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He came up to the car and said, "Are you drunk?!"
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To which he said, "I'm at home having dinner. What are you talking about?!"
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At the moment, I have... My wife's car and my car - we have two cars. That's allowed.
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I got her an X5, 4x4 car.
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I've never had a car with that. "Urr..."
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is the parking sensors, which is brand-new to me.
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It's like there's two little people, unseen, and they just go, "No, no, no, no, NO, NO! Stop it!"
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Well, after the Spitfire, I went into some really bad cars.
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then count the miles on the milometer to work out how much fuel I had,
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I ran out of petrol, and I knew there was a petrol station quite near and I ran there
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My mind went blank.
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So this was why, I suppose, cos I spent a lot of time with the Metro in the loser lane, the slow lane...
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The only way you could feel better about having such a terrible car
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I'd say to my wife, "You see that Porsche?" She'd say, "Yes, what of it?" "I'm having it."
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You pull into the middle lane, you start to get excited, then you get into the fast lane.
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There are horses in the slow lane, going, "I've gotta see this. What's going on?"
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And you always have to look over, when you're overtaking, to see your victim.
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if I get overtaken, even if I'm home, I will get back out and...
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Thing is, though, when we asked if you'd like to come on...
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I said I'll try hard to be fast.
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ALL: Yes! Come on, let's have a look.
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Oh, my giddy aunt, that's...ambitious!
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Again, I'm suspecting you're going too fast.
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Did you enjoy this? I didn't really... I lost track of time.
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You are doing... And that's pretty fast.
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that's nicely done! Here we go, just Gambon...
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It was a very ambitious second half to the lap
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Anywhere in the middle, I'd be happy with. As the Stig said, "conditions were perfect".
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..forty... I like that. I'm fine with that.
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Marky Mark and Michael McIntyre.
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It's in the middle of the whole thing! You are the most average man in an averagely-priced car
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Now...if you are any sort of a car fan,
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Young people tell me he is an internet sensation.
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I was told to meet him not at Dunkin' Donuts,
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and I suspect he won't be arriving in a straight line.
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Now, by day, Ken is a rally driver.
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But Ken prefers to use...
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and I think about preflight checks and the problems of weathercocking in crosswinds.
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There's not so many places where you have a great mix of dirt and Tarmac and open areas...
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Ken has devised a course around this place,
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Subaru Impreza rally car
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in the royal box of rallying,
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Cor, that was nice!
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'As it happens, Ricky is the greatest dirt-biker in history,
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Ow!
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No, no! Goodbye, viewers!
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That's the nose of a DC-2.
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Not over there, that's a jump.
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to play on our track?
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earlier on, we sort of suggested that all cheap cars are rubbish
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and not take them out again till we'd come up with a cheap car that we all liked.
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So, it was time to go down to our track to find out which was best.
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That doesn't sound so good, but it's called the Roomster.
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This is what I've chosen - the Mito.
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But this is an Alfa Romeo.
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just three cylinders and 1,000cc - but it is the most futuristic and modern car here.
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a drag race...obviously.
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because, although I have the same power as James has in his Zanussi,
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..one year.
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He-he-he! Not bad.
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'Shortly afterwards, the Indesit finished as well. And then the waiting began.'
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And in 1976, we went to Tenby, hired a cottage.
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I've actually forgotten what his car looks like.
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This car - faster than a Porsche 911 Turbo.
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What about if it was doing 93? That would be against the law.
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Says the man in the Indesit! What...come on! Chaps,
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The Alfa Romeo, which, if you peel away the body, is a Fiat Punto.
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Right, each car is equipped with one of these.
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this is a vibration and harshness-o-meter
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Right, good. Good. Let's do it.
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Jeremy, it's a noise test and the machine is picking up your voice.
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How big is my victory?
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Low numbers are better. Vibration and harshness, Jeremy - 2.1. Yes!
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What we're going to do now is a lap of the track.
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In fact, I'd lined up Lance, an Irish Wolfhound,
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OK, here's how it works, right? Start the clock, then you load the dog into the car,
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There is one rule in my test, yes?
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But St Bernards always look sad.
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'Rearranging the innards of the Alfa was tricky.'
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One minute 32 and the dog is still not in the car.
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'Finally, Phil Drabble was ready to go.'
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That's it, good boy! Your breath stinks. It's terrible.
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Oh-hoh! Urgh!
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It's the first Alfa to have Alfa Romeo's new DNA system.
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If you put it in All-weather, that lets the traction control know it might get slippy.
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'I left everything in very normal.'
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Does he look sad? No, I wouldn't say that's a sad dog.
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Come on, Milly, up, up. There you go. Look at that!
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which gives Milly a bit more room.
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What it needs is a substantial snack halfway round the lap, say a leg... A head.
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 252
At the back, it's a Volkswagen Golf. The engine is from a Volkswagen.
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 253
Now, building up speed - dogs don't mind speed in a straight line - they love it!
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 254
Delighted! She's had light, space, air-conditioning...
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 255
Three minutes faster than you?!
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 256
This is one of the most cleverly packaged small cars in history.
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 257
so it doesn't intrude into the passenger space.
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 258
I think all this will stand me in good stead with my enormous dog.
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 259
There's no space at all! The seats go down.
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 260
Alfie, come on. Drive like that and hope he can keep up?
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 261
'Eventually, James's Hotpoint set off.'
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 262
The wheels are right on the corners, it's extremely agile.
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 263
Nobody, unless they have no legs, could possibly sit in the back.
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 264
Gambon corner - he could spin off here at any point.
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 265
Look at that face! Oh, that's making me sad just looking at it! That's his normal face!
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 266
That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen and it's your fault.
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 267
'With the score at one each, we left the track and headed out into the real world.'
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 268
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 269
This is an Alfa Romeo, which is Latin for "yes, I will, but only because of your special car".
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 270
There's never a gap big enough for you to pull out
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 271
Sorry, sorry. He's shaking his head and I don't blame him.
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 272
OK, we brimmed the tanks down at the track, so now we're in London,
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 273
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Or scroll and see one by one:

Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 2 #2 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 3
And is the McLaren £100,000 faster?
#3
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 4
God, that McLaren sounds dirty.
#4
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 5 #5 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 6
Smoke coming off the back end!
#6
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 7
But the best thing about the Black
#7
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 8
it's a normal SL in here. I've got satellite navigation and climate control
#8
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 9
But it doesn't last.
#9
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 10
There is no give at all in the tyre side wall.
#10
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 11
You would honestly be more comfortable on a Georgian's kitchen wheelback.
#11
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 12
Look! A pile of stones.
#12
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 13 #13 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 14 #14 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 15
the traction control comes down like an anvil
#15
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 16
those back tyres cost £358 each.
#16
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 17
And I don't know, but I think that rather spoils the point.
#17
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 18
There are other niggles, too,
#18
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 19
A normal SL can get round here no problem at at...
#19
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 20
That means you're going to run off the road
#20
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 21 #21 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 22
and go more than six feet without running out of petrol,
#22
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 23
And then we have to go back to the price.
#23
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 24
and I'm sorry... but it just isn't worth it.
#24
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 25 #25 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 26
Am I right in saying that they've only imported eight of these into the UK? Yeah.
#26
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 27 #27 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 28
That means handing it over to our tame racing driver.
#28
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 29
he might have been able to raise a smile.
#29
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 30
Traction control off because, of course, he can put those tyres on expenses.
#30
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 31
Oh, dear. Yes, I'm sorry. The Stig has gone all Scottish.
#31
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 32
Just a very big mess in Chicago. So Hammerhead...
#32
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 33 #33 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 34
Through the tyres - very, very fast.
#34
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 35 #35 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 36
so if we look, it's faster than the original Murcielago,
#36
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 37
which means it's faster than a lot of cars that are now...
#37
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 38
It looks like that, but the most important thing about it is, for this car, they've invented a new word.
#38
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 39
They confessed they've made that up. It's a whole new word. Visiodrive.
#39
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 40
would work very well in their own publicity blurb, would they? Like, flimsy. Plasticky. Lightweight.
#40
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 41
Box on wheels. What? Box on wheels. That's not very good. That was terrible.
#41
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 42
Now, pay attention. OK?
#42
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 43
You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance? Yeah. I got her a power drill.
#43
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 44
Do you know nothing?! Women say they want a power drill but they don't. They want soap. No... They do.
#44
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 45
Did you hear that, girls? Soap is soap! But it is.
#45
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 46
However, the worst thing that you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl,
#46
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 47
it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag.
#47
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 48
No. The fact is, OK,
#48
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 49
"Ring it!" "It's in there. You must be able to see it."
#49
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 50
Look at that. Yeah. Now, that is made from Camaro seats.
#50
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 51
"and the next vintage car show you both attend." Ohhhh!
#51
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 52
And now it's a handbag. On the other side - you can't see it - are the skid marks... NO! No!
#52
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 53
Bear with me, I do get back to cars. It keeps trying to mate with my Labradoodle, and I think
#53
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 54
Sport of melted into one hideous lump. It's a Laverda 3CL.
#54
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 55
"Agh! It's horrible!"
#55
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 56
Can I say...? Sorry about this. Moving on.
#56
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 57
for what we used to call a lovely summer's day.
#57
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 58
You park the car with the engine running, turn the air conditioning off, wind the windows up,
#58
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 59
Because earlier today, while we were waiting for all you lot to turn up,
#59
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 60
Let's just make it fair, OK?
#60
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 61
Oh, yes. It's 53 degrees in our Mercedes now.
#61
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 62
98%. Or less.
#62
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 63
59.7 degrees.
#63
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 64 #64 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 65
Guys...
#65
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 66 #66 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 67
if you're going to set these ridiculous heat wave level alerts...
#67
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 68
Gordon, they're something else I discovered in that test, if you're watching, and that is,
#68
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 69
and put sun cream on.
#69
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 70
Guys...
#70
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 71
We all know what caused it. Banks were lending money they didn't have to people who couldn't pay them back
#71
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 72
In these difficult times, is there such a thing as cheap and cheerful?
#72
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 73
"Right! I'm going to deploy my cheap and cheerful parachute?"
#73
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 74 #74 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 75
Brakes are rubbish.
#75
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 76
Honestly, I would rather be inside Paul Scholes.
#76
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 77 #77 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 78
so it amazes me that they can make this thing so dull.
#78
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 79
I think it's out of a Mark I Cavalier.
#79
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 80
The only reason you would buy this car
#80
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 81
I have! I've tried this, the Proton Satria Neo.
#81
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 82
the engine's got no power low down whatsoever, but when you move it,
#82
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 83
"Oh, no! It's horrible. And look at all this!
#83
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 84
At nearly £10,000, the Proton is the most expensive of the three,
#84
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 85
so when I move my head like that, all the cars...blbl-bbb-blbl.
#85
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 86
and this was an ideal opportunity to show Jeremy one of the Proton's other unique features.
#86
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 87
So every time the sun comes out, you then have to open the door? Yeah.
#87
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 88
That's a disappointment. That's wrong!
#88
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 89
A year ago, we'd have been here with a Ferrari, a Lamborghini and an Aston Martin.
#89
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 90
so we thought it'd be a good idea, while we were there,
#90
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 91
BMW X5. X5?
#91
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 92 #92 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 93
You have! That's what you've done, and now look. Check it out.
#93
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 94
Every day, constantly down? Yep. Thought about jumping out of a window?
#94
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 95 #95 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 96
It just disintegrated while I was looking at it.
#96
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 97
That means that none of them can actually get into their offices and lose all our money!
#97
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 98 #98 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 99
RBS - you've been really bad. You can have a Proton "septic nappy".
#99
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 100
Of course, bankers aren't entirely responsible for the problems...
#100
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 101
and went to shout at the Government.
#101
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 102
V8 not G8!
#102
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 103
I can't do that one.
#103
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 104
Acceleration not nationalisation... of the banks.
#104
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 105
Ker-ching! Hit the banks not our tanks! He means your petrol tanks, if you were confused.
#105
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 106
But it was quite hard to understand him.
#106
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 107
I think that policeman's quite cross.
#107
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 108
But we were fed up too... with our cars.
#108
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 109
It's a fact!
#109
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 110
Um...I should point out the producers were very angry with us about that,
#110
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 111
Yeah, but we said we'd made a film to show just how many terrible cheap cars there are out there.
#111
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 112
and this time, choose three cheap cars that we actually like.
#112
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 113
Er...over the years, 105 different people have driven round our track,
#113
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 114
because that's all about to change. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Michael McIntyre!
#114
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 115
Jeremy Clarkson! How are you? Hello. Thank you, Top Gear.
#115
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 116
Why do announcers always say, "Put your hands together"? You'd just go like that, wouldn't you?
#116
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 117
I gather that, on the way down here, people were offering you advice
#117
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 118 #118 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 119
The drycleaner is talking sense. The guy who drove me here said, "Don't brake."
#119
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 120
Two years ago - Michael who? And now all these girls...
#120
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 121
It's being going well lately. My show is on the telly on Saturday night after Casualty.
#121
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 122
I'd just like to be on a gurney and then sit up and go,
#122
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 123
University. Is it true you can't remember what degree you did?
#123
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 124
I know it wasn't physics. Is that good enough?
#124
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 125
I remember finding a girl attractive on the first day and thinking, "That'll be the love of my life,"
#125
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 126
My voice didn't break till I was about 23.
#126
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 127
She'd come in... Hello?
#127
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 128
But I did buy my first car to try and seduce women.
#128
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 129
a parked Volvo, which was not... Of all the cars to hit...
#129
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 130
He came up to the car and said, "Are you drunk?!"
#130
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 131
To which he said, "I'm at home having dinner. What are you talking about?!"
#131
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 132
At the moment, I have... My wife's car and my car - we have two cars. That's allowed.
#132
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 133
I got her an X5, 4x4 car.
#133
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 134
I've never had a car with that. "Urr..."
#134
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 135
is the parking sensors, which is brand-new to me.
#135
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 136
It's like there's two little people, unseen, and they just go, "No, no, no, no, NO, NO! Stop it!"
#136
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 137
Well, after the Spitfire, I went into some really bad cars.
#137
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 138 #138 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 139
then count the miles on the milometer to work out how much fuel I had,
#139
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 140
I ran out of petrol, and I knew there was a petrol station quite near and I ran there
#140
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 141
My mind went blank.
#141
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 142 #142 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 143
So this was why, I suppose, cos I spent a lot of time with the Metro in the loser lane, the slow lane...
#143
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 144
The only way you could feel better about having such a terrible car
#144
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 145
I'd say to my wife, "You see that Porsche?" She'd say, "Yes, what of it?" "I'm having it."
#145
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 146
You pull into the middle lane, you start to get excited, then you get into the fast lane.
#146
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 147
There are horses in the slow lane, going, "I've gotta see this. What's going on?"
#147
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 148 #148 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 149
And you always have to look over, when you're overtaking, to see your victim.
#149
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 150 #150 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 151 #151 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 152
if I get overtaken, even if I'm home, I will get back out and...
#152
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 153
Thing is, though, when we asked if you'd like to come on...
#153
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 154
I said I'll try hard to be fast.
#154
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 155
ALL: Yes! Come on, let's have a look.
#155
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 156
Oh, my giddy aunt, that's...ambitious!
#156
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 157
Again, I'm suspecting you're going too fast.
#157
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 158
Did you enjoy this? I didn't really... I lost track of time.
#158
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 159
You are doing... And that's pretty fast.
#159
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 160
that's nicely done! Here we go, just Gambon...
#160
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 161 #161 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 162
It was a very ambitious second half to the lap
#162
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 163
Anywhere in the middle, I'd be happy with. As the Stig said, "conditions were perfect".
#163
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 164
..forty... I like that. I'm fine with that.
#164
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 165
Marky Mark and Michael McIntyre.
#165
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 166
It's in the middle of the whole thing! You are the most average man in an averagely-priced car
#166
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 167 #167 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 168
Now...if you are any sort of a car fan,
#168
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 169
Young people tell me he is an internet sensation.
#169
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 170
I was told to meet him not at Dunkin' Donuts,
#170
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 171
and I suspect he won't be arriving in a straight line.
#171
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 172 #172 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 173
Now, by day, Ken is a rally driver.
#173
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 174
But Ken prefers to use...
#174
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 175
and I think about preflight checks and the problems of weathercocking in crosswinds.
#175
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 176
There's not so many places where you have a great mix of dirt and Tarmac and open areas...
#176
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 177
Ken has devised a course around this place,
#177
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 178
Subaru Impreza rally car
#178
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 179
in the royal box of rallying,
#179
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 180 #180 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 181 #181 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 182 #182 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 183 #183 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 184 #184 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 185 #185 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 186 #186 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 187 #187 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 188
Cor, that was nice!
#188
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 189 #189 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 190 #190 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 191 #191 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 192 #192 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 193
'As it happens, Ricky is the greatest dirt-biker in history,
#193
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 194
Ow!
#194
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 195 #195 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 196 #196 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 197 #197 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 198
No, no! Goodbye, viewers!
#198
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 199
That's the nose of a DC-2.
#199
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 200
Not over there, that's a jump.
#200
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 201 #201 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 202 #202 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 203 #203 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 204 #204 Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 205
to play on our track?
#205
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 206
earlier on, we sort of suggested that all cheap cars are rubbish
#206
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 207
and not take them out again till we'd come up with a cheap car that we all liked.
#207
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 208
So, it was time to go down to our track to find out which was best.
#208
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 209
That doesn't sound so good, but it's called the Roomster.
#209
Recap of Top Gear Season 13 Episode 3 (S13E03) - 210
This is what I've chosen - the Mito.
#210
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But this is an Alfa Romeo.
#211
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just three cylinders and 1,000cc - but it is the most futuristic and modern car here.
#213
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a drag race...obviously.
#215
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because, although I have the same power as James has in his Zanussi,
#216
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..one year.
#217
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He-he-he! Not bad.
#218
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'Shortly afterwards, the Indesit finished as well. And then the waiting began.'
#219
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And in 1976, we went to Tenby, hired a cottage.
#222
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I've actually forgotten what his car looks like.
#223
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This car - faster than a Porsche 911 Turbo.
#224
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What about if it was doing 93? That would be against the law.
#225
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Says the man in the Indesit! What...come on! Chaps,
#226
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The Alfa Romeo, which, if you peel away the body, is a Fiat Punto.
#227
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Right, each car is equipped with one of these.
#228
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this is a vibration and harshness-o-meter
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Right, good. Good. Let's do it.
#230
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Jeremy, it's a noise test and the machine is picking up your voice.
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How big is my victory?
#233
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Low numbers are better. Vibration and harshness, Jeremy - 2.1. Yes!
#234
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What we're going to do now is a lap of the track.
#235
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In fact, I'd lined up Lance, an Irish Wolfhound,
#236
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OK, here's how it works, right? Start the clock, then you load the dog into the car,
#237
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There is one rule in my test, yes?
#238
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But St Bernards always look sad.
#239
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'Rearranging the innards of the Alfa was tricky.'
#240
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One minute 32 and the dog is still not in the car.
#241
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'Finally, Phil Drabble was ready to go.'
#242
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That's it, good boy! Your breath stinks. It's terrible.
#243
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Oh-hoh! Urgh!
#244
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It's the first Alfa to have Alfa Romeo's new DNA system.
#245
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If you put it in All-weather, that lets the traction control know it might get slippy.
#246
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'I left everything in very normal.'
#247
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Does he look sad? No, I wouldn't say that's a sad dog.
#248
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Come on, Milly, up, up. There you go. Look at that!
#249
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which gives Milly a bit more room.
#250
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What it needs is a substantial snack halfway round the lap, say a leg... A head.
#251
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At the back, it's a Volkswagen Golf. The engine is from a Volkswagen.
#252
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Now, building up speed - dogs don't mind speed in a straight line - they love it!
#253
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Delighted! She's had light, space, air-conditioning...
#254
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Three minutes faster than you?!
#255
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This is one of the most cleverly packaged small cars in history.
#256
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so it doesn't intrude into the passenger space.
#257
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I think all this will stand me in good stead with my enormous dog.
#258
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There's no space at all! The seats go down.
#259
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Alfie, come on. Drive like that and hope he can keep up?
#260
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'Eventually, James's Hotpoint set off.'
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The wheels are right on the corners, it's extremely agile.
#262
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Nobody, unless they have no legs, could possibly sit in the back.
#263
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Gambon corner - he could spin off here at any point.
#264
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Look at that face! Oh, that's making me sad just looking at it! That's his normal face!
#265
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That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen and it's your fault.
#266
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'With the score at one each, we left the track and headed out into the real world.'
#267
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This is an Alfa Romeo, which is Latin for "yes, I will, but only because of your special car".
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There's never a gap big enough for you to pull out
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Sorry, sorry. He's shaking his head and I don't blame him.
#271
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OK, we brimmed the tanks down at the track, so now we're in London,
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Ha-ha-ha-ha!
#273