Top Gear

It's an Outback choir, you've got the tenor of the supercharger,

Presumably from oversteer, to, "Oh, dear, we've just crashed!"

well, I've been on the go some time and it hasn't happened yet.

Is that your idea of consumer advice? Yes.

And the Bathurst is just a supercharged portable drift machine.

for anyone whose business is selling pegs and heather.

They can't win anything, even an egg-and-spoon race.

that over here in England people might start picking up those little electric gee-whizzes,

Does that mean that if he gets better - and, God, we're all praying he does -

Nissan Micras? You might be right, yeah.

I believe this to be a Chrysler Neon.

You say that. I think I'd actually direct quite a good porn film.

At the heart of all good Volkswagen advertising, there is always a product truth.

Just the fit and finish of everything in here is superb. Yes.

The bottom line is this - this particular Scirocco is a good car, ruined.

Not VW Scirocco less interesting.

"Especially if you talk sense."

So, it's faster than you might think.

Yeah, that happens a lot.

James then decided we needed a jingle.

It's pretty fast.

Happily, we had an idea which would save the day.

The rest of the ads didn't go down that well, either.

A funeral! Job one, get ourselves a black Scirocco.

OK, madam, this is where we'd like you to cry.

Get the wheels straight.

So...

Now, this is a brilliant car, there's no denying it.

I want the ladies and gentlemen to see this.

slept with somebody called Muriel who's married to Frank, who has one of these.

No, he drinks lager, what's wrong with that? He drinks Stella. It's just lager.

What can I say about my guest tonight? As the star of Rain Man, Top Gun, Days Of Thunder,

Right. Which makes you... No, it's the other way round, isn't it? Yeah, but I'm somewhat dyslexic, so that's

We're never more than 60 miles from the Queen here, are we? We're 60 miles from the Queen.

OK. And they go, I've got a Honda Accord, and my wife's got a Toyota Prius, OK?

Thank you!

All right, so, we're driving along. Guy goes, "Go up here in the hills, there's no traffic."

We don't get that at the Goodwood Festival Of Speed. A couple of gang members...

Helen Mirren, where is she?

Not bad. Yeah. Oh, that's quick!

There we go, Jay Leno, everybody!

That long, priapic bonnet

Actually it doesn't feel like a pair of turbos.

but since I'm now doing 140 mph...

The best thing about this car, though,

and flopping down on a sofa made out of Chuck Norris.

that the whole car is pivoting around your hips.

In fact, I'd rather have one of these

(That is a brown Datsun.

I'm on the straight and I'm UNLEASHING 326 horsepower!

Eat my exhaust fumes dinosaur!

a shortened, more powerful version of the old 350.

especially when you look at all the equipment it has.

So, In the 4th Gear, Yes, wanna change to The 2nd

That's very simple and very clever. - I like that.

It's got 26 more horsepowers for a kickoff.

And even this GT version,

THIS is a RACING hen!

And it's not a nice noise, either.

you'd never get invited to a wife-swapping party.

you have to have to one of these for the rest of your life,"

Some say that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous...

.. and that recently pigs in Mexico have started to die of something called "Stig flu".

And they're off! I have to say, these cars aren't really comparable.

Yep, no problems at all.

Hard to tell really with bagpipes. Anyway...

But at least he's OK with the gear change

So It's the Datsun got there, Follow-Through.

The BMW kicking out its tail again!

1 minute 28.2.

less exciting, more expensive and less well-equipped.

telling drivers to pull over at the next junction, get out

It's like going to the cinema and a sign says, "

"The railway station is next left. "-

I tell you what. You know the Government announced earlier this week that 60,000 people

swine flu is getting a bad press. Well... Have you noticed?

but look at it this way, parking spaces for the rest of us will be easy to find.

He looks like a male model. Look it is. He's absolutely magnificent to behold.

of the man who runs Porsche. Here he is.

"Yes! That's a good-looking car. We should make that. "

cos VW can make a good-looking car - a good-looking sports car. In fact, remarkably,

about two years. It's worth having a look at.

but it's incredibly beautiful and, as a result,

is it's got cameras in its head lamps. looking forward

But it doesn't turn off when you're going along on the road.

wow, choosing which one you want,

You're not allowed to talk on a mobile phone these days

got into London that other day, go on Holland Park a very pretty girl in the car behind.

So it's got lech-o-matic?

Last week, a piano was accidentally dropped on a Morris Marina as we were filming.

were absolutely furious. They went berserk.

Now that's what they said last time, OK?

"If I see Jeremy Clarkson in the street,

and shooting them through his own head!

there was doubt as to who actually owned the car that you ended up driving.

because Carla Bruni went to Nelson Mandela's birthday party in New York

There was a yes over there. The thing is, though,

which is famous for being nowhere near anywhere else in the world.

be the usual series of small challenges but one big one.

'where, inside the shed... ' All right, mate?

At auctions in the past, normally I'm the one at the back, drunk out of my mind,

Here we go. What is that?

Who'll start me? 500? Quickly!

I'm doing what they did in nightclubs in Yorkshire. 700, I'm bid.

That's mine. You bought it?! madman! Look at the back of it

and the first girl that's breathing you go to her and go,

'The next lot was a tasty Ford Cortina. '

I'm not sure. I want a convertible.

'Several terrible cars came and went. '

'And Top Gear's auction new boy went mad. '

What are you doing? 3,400. 3,500.

How much have I paid for it? GBP 3,600. I've got 600 of my own money in that?! Yes, sir.

'unlike James, who, as car after car went by... '

James, it's in budget. You like the colour.

Did you just bid on that, you halfwit? Yes.

but it's got the wrong engine so it's not worth much. Watch this.

7,000... So, Captain Cautious, what are you gonna do now?

What?! The very last lot.

You've got no... 900 quid?

It's a lovely colour. 1,500!

Look at it in here.

The first thing they're going to say is you're running on...

'And it was a damn sight bigger than Jeremy's classic. '

It's a hairy-chested man's car. No, that's the big Healey.

'Still, at least my car wasn't medieval. '

What a dismal racket.

"on the sunshine island of Majorca. "

My steering wheel's on the wrong side of the car.

They're those ones where you have to get from A to B on difficult roads

I dunno.

and the hood here doesn't fit properly. Other than those tiny things,

'I discovered something amazing. '

they were making Hillman Humber Standard

he was a coach builder. He built this car!

'still not going very fast. '

'Meanwhile, I was getting acquainted with Granddad's craftsmanship. '

No. Granddad didn't do the gearbox. That's a Daimler gearbox.

My granddad didn't build that bit. That was somebody else.

Everybody knows a horror story about someone who bought a car at an auction.

'Unlike Richard, whose MOT inspection was now finished. '

It's a wonder you got here with it.

Most of the shackle pins and bits and pieces are very badly worn indeed...

I've had worse than that! Oh, blimey.

it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

He is the lead singer with AC/DC.

What a star! You've come!

cos everybody knows Jagger, Daltrey, David Van Day.

I think the band... It's just the way we do things.

Cos when I said Brian Johnson's coming on the show to friends,

We can live a normal life, you know.

Mike, the helicopter pilot that went down.

His pals knew that AC/DC were his favourite band,

and took his shirt off and waved it out the window

That is a fantastic story.

Is that not...? Since I was a kid.

It drove him nuts so he went to the scrap yard and got a steering wheel

Although there was wallpaper up there, I couldn't see it.

the original cars that you finally got once you were old enough, they were all what?

which had a beige exterior and a salmon pink interior.

You presumably go through the Mini phase at that point. Mini phase was very important

I put them little spready things on the back wheels, and I put go-faster stripes on.

You could get their...

And obviously then AC/DC came along.

I bought an old Triumph Roadster, 1948.

I go for the paper in it, you know.

Sometimes, you know, when you're going round a corner,

Do you have a favourite road? Is that something you still...?

there is a place is called Haydon Bridge,

I've always had to get out and pee on the brakes.

and he promised all the kids, he said, "Thanks for helping," cos they helped.

Really a million. Yeah.

and I went outside and there was this little concrete plinth

They were really upset and the translator came and I'd just pissed on Sputnik.

Er, a Phantom.

When I turned 60, I thought, "I'm gonna get meself something special. "

Yeah, aye, but...

The best time I've had since I started.

Yes!

That was good. Nice and easy, like gravy.

You're being smooth and violent at the same time,

# Oh, you must remember this... #

but you just looked quick. So.. Where do you think?

so this is What, just about there.

You did it in, well... One... forty...

.. five... Oooh!point nine.

Brian Johnson, everybody!

Brian Johnson, 1:45,9,Brilliant!

Great singing voice, nice chap,

What a man! What a man!

Earlier on, we bought three classic- cars from an auction.

Anyway, we then discovered, after we'd bought the cars,

for something called a Regularity Time Trial Rally, which was in Majorca.

getting the Lanchester his granddad had built to work.

On a classic rally, you need

They've... I'm not worried.

We weren't wrong. James had been given Madison Welsh

No, I've never done it! Seriously?

he is the president of the Balearic Motorsport Federation,

The mountain... roads.

no comprendo

so the idea is we get points deducted for being early or late

and then we saw the cars we'd be up against.

10911s, 11, 12...

And then we got even more bad news...

we were out there. So, yeah.

I don't know how this has happened. - I imagine it's James's fault,

So, even before we'd started, we knew we had no chance of winning.

I bet you?25

with the wrong co-drivers and the wrong cars...

Not got a lot to talk about.

My speedometer is saying I'm doing 60mph when I'm doing about 30... No, 20.

When we stop at the next bit I'll write down some speed and distance formulae for you

You can use the two stopwatches,

Actually, there is a slightly, um, oily smell.

Hello?.. Hello!

So we'll then have to go faster to make the... We will have to go a lot faster, and um...

Jeremy, meanwhile, was getting into the spirit of amateur rallying.

We then arrived at the first closed-road stage,

This... at what speed? Quant o...

It's difficult to do this without actually getting hold of the work of the divine potter.

I decided to just do it flat out.

'This made Joan very angry!'

Tranquilo, tranquilo. Rapido.

and that one is then timing it to the next one.

Yeah.

THUD Ouch! Suspension's good then.

Can't see, can't... I've no idea.

'which meant Joan had to do yet more sums. '

But I bet the conversation in the bar at night is fun.

'In fact, the only person enjoying this less than me

and that is a decimal... What? It's 0.85. Times 0.85 by 60.

'Brian and I had finally arrived at the first stage.

So I'm driving about half the speed- my car can go in order to win.

'To be honest, though, right now, my money was pretty safe. '

There's hundreds of lefts in it.

'Finally, we were doing our first stage. However,... '

I'll tell you what's happening in front of us. It's straight ahead.

Well, now, erm... OK.

'James was now trying to charm Maddie with some romantic conversation. '

I don't know what you're talking about.

Just after lunch, we made it to the lunch stop,

So, I've got 3,600 points, the lowest points worth.

'To punish Jeremy for his smugness,

because he won't be able to work out how to do that.

I think it's in there. I can feel it.

When I say short, I don't mean that... I'm not being rude.

my lunchtime smugness was starting to look premature.

'This meant I'd have to choose one gear for the stage,

Dale, dale! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't reach 50 kilometres an hour- on this. It's impossible.

OK, if you say so.

Anything to let me know about? No.

Come on, you should talk to me.

I'm losing the brakes. Perfecto. Vaya, vaya.

We've finished. Yay! Yay! Is that good?

7.46. Yep. Spot on.

I just meant that's what it is.

And a bad smell.

'James and I had no problems though

Please. Sorry, it's really lovely but I can't see the cars coming.

Come on, please, traffic. Please, please.

sit in a plastic chair by the side of the road, go to bed.

'just hour after hour of pedal to the metal action.

serving as a reference time for the following three rounds...

If you break down on your first lap,

Oh, God! Have you seen the oil raining off my chassis?

he would kill us. Yes, he would.

'And I decided, because the Healey was stuck in third,

'James, obviously trying to impress- Maddie was being more vigorous. '

Your teddy bear on the spare wheel is not entirely helpful.

Oh, the temperature's right up as well.

'we were all starting to enjoy ourselves. '

you havenot to work for late You can be who you are,

'the Lanchester seemed to be behaving as normal. '

We did that 29 seconds faster.

was having 'the time of his life. '

'was run calm and steady.

I've got a big Mustang up my trumpet.

O- o-o-o-oh! Power!

No-o-o, no-o-o, no-o-o!

Ah-ha! You weren't ready for that!

You actually hit him in the plums!

So it's done an indicated 103,000 miles. And do you know what? It feels as tight as a drum.

So, is that thing gonna follow us in the usual... It is, isn't it?

This opened the floodgates.

"And so, the Stig will now set a lap time in a very French and very front-wheel drive Renault Twingo 133.

Was that the crummiest start you've ever seen from a human being? It wasn't good.

'the producers were ready with their next challenge.'

Remember to brake at 60, remember to brake at 60, you stupid boy.

What's Val Thorens?

That's the conclusion they've come to, and they've come up with this!

Great idea, but the problem is, you just happen to know, this has been invented by a brilliant man.

Nobody gives a pig's arse about all that Diesel stuff.

"Awfully sorry."

For 210 miles per hour.

It could be worse if you had your wife in the front, and both daughters, and you sat in the back.

There are no scoops.

That's unbelievable!

'To keep it planted, it has an electronic diff like you get on a Ferrari.

He can rev to 8,000, I can only rev to six and a half.

And he's off! 503 Welsh horsepowers!

Now...

Well, Alan Titchmarsh might say so,

You thought Greenpeace would save the world, but no!

because carbon dioxide is building up and they need to build something to get rid of it. Remember?

We're gonna pop the prong in the top because the gas is going down there,

but he persevered, and I'm sure, if science can make genetically-modified wheat,

So you were born in... That makes you an Americanista. Well, both.

Lots of guns, leather. It's perfect for Top Gear. Leather? Yes.

Well, he's not called Joe, Joe is an elite force of fighter... world protector people.

That's fantastic! APPLAUSE

which is a Caribbean island, which is technically part of America.

to do our lap! How was it out there? Did you enjoy it?

Oh, my God! Mummy!

we always say is quick. OK. I beat Gambon, that's a first. You beat Michael Gambon, Alan Davies,

All was perfect in the Porsche too.

I can fix this.

Because if it was ruined, he would have just got in the Marina,

thought of, or driven to in that drab,

Belting up an alp.

That's quite cold now.

Oh, dear, no! That's not gone at all well.

MUSIC: Theme from "The A-Team"

Look at that! Oh!

'and an old bloke - didn't look like much of a threat either.

'we lined up for the ten-lap race.'

You can actually feel the whole system working through the wheel. It's odd.

with the most amount of practicality for the least amount of money,

Yes, go on. How many horse powers do have in your Renault?

No, that's... Oh, God, I'm sitting on it.

That's not thin. It's lightweight, that's the point.

I don't want any of this on my sports car.

Craftsmanship. That's good, that's good.

Is that music coming from your Renault? No.

Oh God, I've forgotten.

I bet they wouldn't have called it after him if he'd been named Ken Shufflebottom.

I know, but have you seen this? That's a burning Gallardo!

It's for you. Oh, it's a Zonda.

You would feel that. That could actually quite literally make you sick, decelerating at that rate.

since it's taken them 61 years to get around to making it.

830 miles, Go, go, go.

There are five dials on the dash.

bumbling around the sorting office and pressed home our advantage.

Dinner gave me indigestion as did the news from the computer.

The letter is at East Midlands airport.

2,735,000.

I'm going to do some more time and distance calculations.

Time to see if this thing drove like a Porsche.

However, because it's so fast, it did put us back in the game.

If by some fluke, we beat the letter to Zanzibar cottage our conclusion

N-n-no, it hasn't, and it never will, James, it never will.

It's going to be Usain Bolt for Jamaica. That is superb!

How did you know? How did you know you were so far in the lead you can afford to go...?

But nor are you!

So I got nuggets!

when I came out, I was barefoot, and I got sticked by prickles, actually.

'Hammerhead - obviously, you've got to concentrate here.

Usain Bolt, you did it...

We'd love to have you back. Ladies and gentlemen, Usain Bolt!

'and fitted variable boost control to the engine.'

'the American special forces, it has a 5.9 litre diesel engine.

Full 360-degree traverse. Accurate to at least 1,000 metres.

I've just found a packet of these in the centre console!

So he won't be expecting this.

And the judge who banged him up said his car had to be destroyed, OK?

In many ways, then, this is like an American muscle car -

And is the McLaren £100,000 faster?

God, that McLaren sounds dirty.

Smoke coming off the back end!

But the best thing about the Black

it's a normal SL in here. I've got satellite navigation and climate control

But it doesn't last.

There is no give at all in the tyre side wall.

You would honestly be more comfortable on a Georgian's kitchen wheelback.

Look! A pile of stones.

the traction control comes down like an anvil

those back tyres cost £358 each.

And I don't know, but I think that rather spoils the point.

There are other niggles, too,

A normal SL can get round here no problem at at...

That means you're going to run off the road

and go more than six feet without running out of petrol,

And then we have to go back to the price.

and I'm sorry... but it just isn't worth it.

Am I right in saying that they've only imported eight of these into the UK? Yeah.

That means handing it over to our tame racing driver.

he might have been able to raise a smile.

Traction control off because, of course, he can put those tyres on expenses.

Oh, dear. Yes, I'm sorry. The Stig has gone all Scottish.

Just a very big mess in Chicago. So Hammerhead...

Through the tyres - very, very fast.

so if we look, it's faster than the original Murcielago,

which means it's faster than a lot of cars that are now...

It looks like that, but the most important thing about it is, for this car, they've invented a new word.

They confessed they've made that up. It's a whole new word. Visiodrive.

would work very well in their own publicity blurb, would they? Like, flimsy. Plasticky. Lightweight.

Box on wheels. What? Box on wheels. That's not very good. That was terrible.

Now, pay attention. OK?

You bought your girlfriend an electrical appliance? Yeah. I got her a power drill.

Do you know nothing?! Women say they want a power drill but they don't. They want soap. No... They do.

Did you hear that, girls? Soap is soap! But it is.

However, the worst thing that you would ever have to buy, ever have to buy a girl,

it wouldn't have the right number of pockets, it would be last season's handbag.

No. The fact is, OK,

"Ring it!" "It's in there. You must be able to see it."

Look at that. Yeah. Now, that is made from Camaro seats.

"and the next vintage car show you both attend." Ohhhh!

And now it's a handbag. On the other side - you can't see it - are the skid marks... NO! No!

Bear with me, I do get back to cars. It keeps trying to mate with my Labradoodle, and I think

Sport of melted into one hideous lump. It's a Laverda 3CL.

"Agh! It's horrible!"

Can I say...? Sorry about this. Moving on.

for what we used to call a lovely summer's day.

You park the car with the engine running, turn the air conditioning off, wind the windows up,

Because earlier today, while we were waiting for all you lot to turn up,

Let's just make it fair, OK?

Oh, yes. It's 53 degrees in our Mercedes now.

98%. Or less.

59.7 degrees.

Guys...

if you're going to set these ridiculous heat wave level alerts...

Gordon, they're something else I discovered in that test, if you're watching, and that is,

and put sun cream on.

Guys...

We all know what caused it. Banks were lending money they didn't have to people who couldn't pay them back

In these difficult times, is there such a thing as cheap and cheerful?

"Right! I'm going to deploy my cheap and cheerful parachute?"

Brakes are rubbish.

Honestly, I would rather be inside Paul Scholes.

so it amazes me that they can make this thing so dull.

I think it's out of a Mark I Cavalier.

The only reason you would buy this car

I have! I've tried this, the Proton Satria Neo.

the engine's got no power low down whatsoever, but when you move it,

"Oh, no! It's horrible. And look at all this!

At nearly £10,000, the Proton is the most expensive of the three,

so when I move my head like that, all the cars...blbl-bbb-blbl.

and this was an ideal opportunity to show Jeremy one of the Proton's other unique features.

So every time the sun comes out, you then have to open the door? Yeah.

That's a disappointment. That's wrong!

A year ago, we'd have been here with a Ferrari, a Lamborghini and an Aston Martin.

so we thought it'd be a good idea, while we were there,

BMW X5. X5?

You have! That's what you've done, and now look. Check it out.

Every day, constantly down? Yep. Thought about jumping out of a window?

It just disintegrated while I was looking at it.

That means that none of them can actually get into their offices and lose all our money!

RBS - you've been really bad. You can have a Proton "septic nappy".

Of course, bankers aren't entirely responsible for the problems...

and went to shout at the Government.

V8 not G8!

I can't do that one.

Acceleration not nationalisation... of the banks.

Ker-ching! Hit the banks not our tanks! He means your petrol tanks, if you were confused.

But it was quite hard to understand him.

I think that policeman's quite cross.

But we were fed up too... with our cars.

It's a fact!

Um...I should point out the producers were very angry with us about that,

Yeah, but we said we'd made a film to show just how many terrible cheap cars there are out there.

and this time, choose three cheap cars that we actually like.

Er...over the years, 105 different people have driven round our track,

because that's all about to change. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Michael McIntyre!

Jeremy Clarkson! How are you? Hello. Thank you, Top Gear.

Why do announcers always say, "Put your hands together"? You'd just go like that, wouldn't you?

I gather that, on the way down here, people were offering you advice

The drycleaner is talking sense. The guy who drove me here said, "Don't brake."

Two years ago - Michael who? And now all these girls...

It's being going well lately. My show is on the telly on Saturday night after Casualty.

I'd just like to be on a gurney and then sit up and go,

University. Is it true you can't remember what degree you did?

I know it wasn't physics. Is that good enough?

I remember finding a girl attractive on the first day and thinking, "That'll be the love of my life,"

My voice didn't break till I was about 23.

She'd come in... Hello?

But I did buy my first car to try and seduce women.

a parked Volvo, which was not... Of all the cars to hit...

He came up to the car and said, "Are you drunk?!"

To which he said, "I'm at home having dinner. What are you talking about?!"

At the moment, I have... My wife's car and my car - we have two cars. That's allowed.

I got her an X5, 4x4 car.

I've never had a car with that. "Urr..."

is the parking sensors, which is brand-new to me.

It's like there's two little people, unseen, and they just go, "No, no, no, no, NO, NO! Stop it!"

Well, after the Spitfire, I went into some really bad cars.

then count the miles on the milometer to work out how much fuel I had,

I ran out of petrol, and I knew there was a petrol station quite near and I ran there

My mind went blank.

So this was why, I suppose, cos I spent a lot of time with the Metro in the loser lane, the slow lane...

The only way you could feel better about having such a terrible car

I'd say to my wife, "You see that Porsche?" She'd say, "Yes, what of it?" "I'm having it."

You pull into the middle lane, you start to get excited, then you get into the fast lane.

There are horses in the slow lane, going, "I've gotta see this. What's going on?"

And you always have to look over, when you're overtaking, to see your victim.

if I get overtaken, even if I'm home, I will get back out and...

Thing is, though, when we asked if you'd like to come on...

I said I'll try hard to be fast.

ALL: Yes! Come on, let's have a look.

Oh, my giddy aunt, that's...ambitious!

Again, I'm suspecting you're going too fast.

Did you enjoy this? I didn't really... I lost track of time.

You are doing... And that's pretty fast.

that's nicely done! Here we go, just Gambon...

It was a very ambitious second half to the lap

Anywhere in the middle, I'd be happy with. As the Stig said, "conditions were perfect".

..forty... I like that. I'm fine with that.

Marky Mark and Michael McIntyre.

It's in the middle of the whole thing! You are the most average man in an averagely-priced car

Now...if you are any sort of a car fan,

Young people tell me he is an internet sensation.

I was told to meet him not at Dunkin' Donuts,

and I suspect he won't be arriving in a straight line.

Now, by day, Ken is a rally driver.

But Ken prefers to use...

and I think about preflight checks and the problems of weathercocking in crosswinds.

There's not so many places where you have a great mix of dirt and Tarmac and open areas...

Ken has devised a course around this place,

Subaru Impreza rally car

in the royal box of rallying,

Cor, that was nice!

'As it happens, Ricky is the greatest dirt-biker in history,

Ow!

No, no! Goodbye, viewers!

That's the nose of a DC-2.

Not over there, that's a jump.

to play on our track?

earlier on, we sort of suggested that all cheap cars are rubbish

and not take them out again till we'd come up with a cheap car that we all liked.

So, it was time to go down to our track to find out which was best.

That doesn't sound so good, but it's called the Roomster.

This is what I've chosen - the Mito.

But this is an Alfa Romeo.

just three cylinders and 1,000cc - but it is the most futuristic and modern car here.

a drag race...obviously.

because, although I have the same power as James has in his Zanussi,

..one year.

He-he-he! Not bad.

'Shortly afterwards, the Indesit finished as well. And then the waiting began.'

And in 1976, we went to Tenby, hired a cottage.

I've actually forgotten what his car looks like.

This car - faster than a Porsche 911 Turbo.

What about if it was doing 93? That would be against the law.

Says the man in the Indesit! What...come on! Chaps,

The Alfa Romeo, which, if you peel away the body, is a Fiat Punto.

Right, each car is equipped with one of these.

this is a vibration and harshness-o-meter

Right, good. Good. Let's do it.

Jeremy, it's a noise test and the machine is picking up your voice.

How big is my victory?

Low numbers are better. Vibration and harshness, Jeremy - 2.1. Yes!

What we're going to do now is a lap of the track.

In fact, I'd lined up Lance, an Irish Wolfhound,

OK, here's how it works, right? Start the clock, then you load the dog into the car,

There is one rule in my test, yes?

But St Bernards always look sad.

'Rearranging the innards of the Alfa was tricky.'

One minute 32 and the dog is still not in the car.

'Finally, Phil Drabble was ready to go.'

That's it, good boy! Your breath stinks. It's terrible.

Oh-hoh! Urgh!

It's the first Alfa to have Alfa Romeo's new DNA system.

If you put it in All-weather, that lets the traction control know it might get slippy.

'I left everything in very normal.'

Does he look sad? No, I wouldn't say that's a sad dog.

Come on, Milly, up, up. There you go. Look at that!

which gives Milly a bit more room.

What it needs is a substantial snack halfway round the lap, say a leg... A head.

At the back, it's a Volkswagen Golf. The engine is from a Volkswagen.

Now, building up speed - dogs don't mind speed in a straight line - they love it!

Delighted! She's had light, space, air-conditioning...

Three minutes faster than you?!

This is one of the most cleverly packaged small cars in history.

so it doesn't intrude into the passenger space.

I think all this will stand me in good stead with my enormous dog.

There's no space at all! The seats go down.

Alfie, come on. Drive like that and hope he can keep up?

'Eventually, James's Hotpoint set off.'

The wheels are right on the corners, it's extremely agile.

Nobody, unless they have no legs, could possibly sit in the back.

Gambon corner - he could spin off here at any point.

Look at that face! Oh, that's making me sad just looking at it! That's his normal face!

That's the saddest-looking spectacle I've ever seen and it's your fault.

'With the score at one each, we left the track and headed out into the real world.'

This is an Alfa Romeo, which is Latin for "yes, I will, but only because of your special car".

There's never a gap big enough for you to pull out

Sorry, sorry. He's shaking his head and I don't blame him.

OK, we brimmed the tanks down at the track, so now we're in London,

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

If you're a 17-year-old boy and you need car insurance, slice your penis off.

'The phoning went on, until eventually we had a list of cars that could be bought and insured

Not much in it and nothing you I mean, look at that

Can you imagine a 17-year-old in a Suzuki Wagon R+? Thanks(!) 1L.

'So, we got back on the phones pretending to be Dad.'

'Finally, we were in business.'

'and I was the first to arrive.'

It's a Golf and that's really all there is to say about it.

for very occasional use, such as today, when I've just come to see my mates.

Is it an S Coupe?

It's a coupe! It's magnificent. 85bhp,

'a geography teacher arrived.'

The perfect car for any 17-year-old. Why?! Why? Y-yes!

They did do a turbo... What is that?! A Hyundai S Coupe

There's another very important issue that we must address.

Look at the amount of metal between him and the tree he will inevitably hit.

Thank you.

Ha! You've had it!

You? £500. You?

'Two days later, our wheels were ready and I'd gone for the thing girls love most -

but it's close enough. And I've customised it to fit perfectly.

Well, when I say water bed, what I mean is... Well, it's a lilo.

And then, to finish it all off, some simple, hand-painted turbo motifs.

on exactly what a 17-year-old wants -

BAROQUE MUSIC PLAYS

'While he went for a wee, Richard and I decided to improve his car

What have we got?

We need to glue the whole damn thing, literally every button.

That is... This will brighten his day.

Ooh, yeah.

and the answer to that is yes.

'at the bottom of a very slippery field.'

Maybe we'll have converted him? THEY LAUGH

Ah! This'll answer the question.

"all their camping equipment and stuff into their car

That has to be medical. It must be.

So, that's a piece of cake. Ah!

Nobody's ever said that before. 'James struggled to get everything in his Golf,

I'm outta here.

'Hammond completely forgot about his new body kit.'

'As Hammond and I floundered on the green ice,

James has got the right idea. It's speed, weirdly.

Yes.

Here we go!

No.

Oh, please!

We will pick that up later on. Can I just point out that before we do move on,

Which they will if it's got a body kit on.

And then one day, you'll be in the showers and a big, strange man...

LAUGHTER

What do you do on a driving test if you don't pass it? You...

A traffic light went red as I came up to it and the examiner said, "Proceed as you normally would,"

We were going along and all of a sudden, he hit the dashboard

No, I was being correct. He was anticipating an emergency stop, not an argument, you fool! Was he?

at the other end of the scale from our failure, you turned up with some scissors in your pocket,

That's really what it was. When he said, the man,

what I heard was, "Congratulations,- Mr Clarkson, you are the best driver I've ever seen in my life."

surrounded by sheep that were no longer alive and bits of what used to be my mum's Audi.

which is important and we got distracted

To prop up the car industry, the Government is encouraging you to scrap old cars and buy new ones.

to help Kim Jong-il buy nuclear weapons.

the other is a totalitarian regime,- allegedly making weapons of mass destruction.

Why would the South Koreans nuke Hammersmith?

This is an important point. It is more ecological - and this is a fact,

than it is to scrap it, throw it away and build a new one. True fact.

and not Kim Jong-il. LAUGHTER

Everyone had said it's superbike fast and I thought, "Oh, come on, don't be ridic...argh!"

They're saying it's got more than 500 horsepower

That's just staggering. A Bugatti Veyron, to put that in perspective,- is 521bhp per tonne,

It's £100,000, but I don't believe cars can get better than that.

You strap wardrobes, chests of drawers on there and... They've thought about it. See?

That makes the worst noise... What?! It makes the best noise!

It's like driving along - what's that opera singer called - Katherine...er...Jenkins!

Lady Chatterley, goes in the barn with the gardener, in the hay,

That's my point, it's a brilliant noise. The supercharger whine is a mechanical driving sound.

so the cooler will be mine in 19 days, right -

..the best noise that had ever come- out of a car came out of the stereo- in my 17-year-old Golf

Actually, while we're on the subject of this,

and the Daily Star, in an editorial, says that we've upset the Scouts and the Catholic Church

Germans, blind people, anti-hunt protesters and smokers.

How dare they? How dare they suggest that we would be rude to smokers?!!

and I thought, "Why just do it at the track?"

HOOFBEATS

But the truth is, the place is shot- through with a love of speed...

'the brand-new Lamborghini Murcielago.'

Between me and it is a four-mile, arrow-straight stretch of highway.

TYRES SQUEAL

150.

Whoa!

or, to put it in plain English... the fastest Lamborghini ever made.

'because a brand-new replacement is coming next year.

'because from every angle, this last hurrah looks absolutely evil.'

If a Toyota Prius came up behind and saw that, it would wet its pants.

'So, LP670-4 SV.'

The LP stands for...something.

and also, quite a lot.

It's got a lighter exhaust system, more of it's made of carbon fibre

0-60, 3.2 seconds.

Because that noise...

and it too will die along with this car.

'And I'm not the only one who thinks this car has a human soul.'

Here's Mercedes talking about the exhaust on the SL Black.

"a distinctive 12-cylinder sound from the two trapezoidal tailpipes."

"through the trumpeting of mighty elephants, to the roar of a raging lion."

You just get the sense that before this car dies, they actually wanted- to make it come to life.

has transformed it into a completely different car.

Don't get me wrong, it's still a big, scary car,

Yeah, this'd be a lot easier if the desert would stay still.

It is!

'..but with the more rarefied and expensive hypercars.'

That's an SLR 722 - like an SLR, only more.

'let's see if the 722 can keep its royal status

TYRES SQUEAL

Try that on, fella.

Man, this is close!

Whoa! Braking up to the red light quite hard.

I was there, alongside hypercar royalty. Compared to that,

Quite a swan song.

'the Murcielago has become one of the all-time supercar greats.'

There's some evidence on these seats that you had a crisis.

Thing is though, you've always said- that your favourite supercar is the Zonda F, OK?

Come on!

LAUGHTER

top of our leader board.

What? BOOING

I have to work with that, week in week out.

with German piano wire...

All we know is that's three things he has in common with Margaret Beckett.

Right, coming up to the first corner and he's coming in very hot.

Stig seems to have it all under control at the moment though.

Hammerhead. This is where understeer should rear its head.

And the third thing, obviously,

so that's probably why he's lifted off through the tyres.

this car really is Widow Twankey with a wing.

It did it in...

It's moved up.

It doesn't lie, the F's faster.

He's the voice of the Harry Potter audiotapes, Blackadder,

the only thing we can be sure he hasn't done,

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What you're really saying is

Yeah, gasp. Thank you.

LAUGHTER No, you're pulling that face,

For example, I've just had Tim Robbins in my ear

I have no idea. You would know, you'd remember.

without the sound of you wafting out of the children's bedrooms.

It staggers me, you've managed to lose all this weight

Nobody loses weight in America.

and by about a month or twoafterwards I was at my full 21 stone.

I did. I actually went to the General Motors Headquarters

Yeah. And he said, "We're still the biggest automobile company in the world."

And when he went to college to do automotive design

If he'd tried that in Australia! Oh, yes!

Yeah.

in a time that was impossible if you hadn't driven in bus lanes.

It is illegal for me to drive in bus lanes.

You read that thing, it says from seven till something.

And it says, "Buses and good vehicles only".

It's like ones that say, "access only".

Yes, it's become rather a large number.

of a specific type of mobile telephone.

where you can play it as a reco... Have you got that?

This one might not be quite so upyour strata but it's called Grindr.

No-one's going to now. Who made that noise?

When you load it...

and it tells you how close they are.- It says he's 20 yards away.

Let's have a look.

Just making sure mine isn't on. LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Some of them show rude parts which you won't want to see.

It's a car show, I knew there was something.

I drove in two reasonably-priced cars because the first one,

and we obviously thought that was not safe to have.

It's the second-to-last corner. Yes! Oh, that's a high speed.

OK, there's a third attempt.

Every time, I said to myself, "Smoothly."

Who here would like to see Stephen's real lap?

It might not be fast but let's make it smooth, Stephen, smooth.

With his... That's fantastic!

because that's a bit of understeer.

except around my face! Ah!

Here we go.

That is bang-on, cutting the corner nicely.

That was smooth.

Who else do you think you beat?

The problem is you were beautifully smooth

Oh, no!APPLAUSE

I could give you a hot, it was a hot day and, of course,

Do you know what? I could be guaranteed that Alan doesn't watch Top Gear.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Earlier on we bought, insured and customised three cars

when I sort-of ripped the body kit off the back on my Hyundai.

Anyway, coming up now is the most realistic challenge ever attempted on British television.

three hours after we'd said we'd be in, without waking them up.

OWL HOOTS

Oh, God. Ugh!

WHISPERS: Yeah, this is a professional job.

so that it hides the back and my mother won't see what I've done.

50.4 decibels, that's like custard rustling, absolutely soundless.

Come on. Come on!

Come on, you stupid lump of Swedish lead.

THEY LAUGH

I might get in trouble.

and they buried it in the summer house. Job done!

Oh, no, no, no!

and there's quite a lot of damage there.

My Mum and Dad, they didn't wake up.

The interesting thing is what James

JEREMY CLEARS HIS THROAT What?

LOUD TECHNO MUSIC For God's sake! No!

God above!

Can you smell smoke on my fingers? THEY LAUGH

Oddly though, the man in the white coat was nowhere to be seen.

Sunrise yellow.

This man's destroying your Volvo. Are you going to sort him out?

Mind the body kit!

Ha-ha, "As you are 17, it is certain that at some point in the near future,

"This is to find out how easy they are to repair."

..and break out the hammers.

Ah! Argh!

watch that disappear thanks to the magic of polish.

and need to straighten a dent, here's what you do.

'Jeremy, meanwhile, was cheating.'

You were 17? RS Turbo, straight through a fence.

So, do you think you could use some fireman equipment to make that like new?

it's too middle class.

'..we had made no difference whatsoever.'

'Then another challenge arrived.'

"round the Hammerhead, do a handbrake turn

"and you'll have five seconds added to your time for every object you don't hit."

'that teenagers like to crash into.

'that everyone, except a 17-year-old, can see isn't wide enough.

than a good handbrake turn. God, yeah, fact.

I have no feathers... But I can do this!

'Armed with this new information about women,

That's nice. Yeah.

That's him being rubbish.

'With James cleared off the track, I lined up for the off.'

Missed!

My God! That's substantial. Yee-ha!

That's good. Wheelie bins.

There's nothing I can do about the washer bottle,

Yes!

LOUD TECHNO MUSIC Oh, for God's sake.

'why he'd bothered with a helmet.'

'But then as he approached the girls, all became clear.'

I might as well have cut my penis off for all the good that did.

WHISTLING Perfect.

'So now it was all down to me.'

35 seconds before he moved more than a yard.

You all right?

That's my line!

Luckily, children, I got better.

Anyway...

LAUGHTER Is that a minus?!

and it's still here! Look! LAUGHTER

When do you ever see the NHS go, "Oh, that's a nasty head wound,

I got 103.

Yes. Right. LAUGHTER

Our teenage judges said they were prepared to award up to 5 points for a really good one.

LAUGHTER What happened was...

Jeremy Clarkson, it is now between you and me. Yes, it is.

..nothing!

There's nothing else going for you.- No, come on!

This is also consumer advice... The door handle's come off!

Yes!

Anyway, I got nought? Yes.

They did, didn't they? They did. What did they give you?

Fairly beaten.

that the best, THE BEST car for a 17-year-old is a beige Volvo estate with a broken back window.

of the consumer advice for this week.

and, in fact, I'm still there because now it's time for the moment

the first-ever showdown between the- two fastest road cars of all time.

The meeting point for the most amazing collection of numbers.

and a top speed of 252 miles an hour.

the McLaren F1.

It was the fastest with a top speed- of 240 miles an hour.

The engine bay was lined with gold

from the 6.1-litre BMW engine.

the McLaren and the Veyron are actually poles apart.

the McLaren gets...nothing.

It's gizmo cupboard is completely bare.

And that shines through in the way they feel.

that well-oiled, mechanical, metallic feel.

HE LAUGHS

and get in to the Bugatti Veyron.

at the bar of the Balmoral Hotel in Edinburgh.

all modern superbikes can trace their roots back to this.

I've got to get changed! I'll do that now.

Listen to that. It's a straight six, beautifully balanced...

looking at your central heating system.

At last, again, I was on the move.

but they were already 20, 30 years out of date by 1949.

In fact, the Black Shadow remained the fastest production bike in the world until 1973.

Seat's nice, smells nice, view's nice, noise is nice.

And this, the Vincent Black Shadow,

It's an exquisite thing.

At the next service station, I chickened out and pulled in.

but now it is time to do the news.

You like animals? You're going to spend your life just boof.

That's the Skoda Catholic Church.

and I noticed that my Mercedes said on the dashboard. "Your service is due."

to survive a trip through your digestive system and still be... Oh, my God.

While that makes it sound like a ladies dress shop in Harrogate,

There we go...

It's the only car I've ever driven,- ever, which is a killer attack dog

A Toyota Camry.

put together by someone who thinks a Porsche is the bit that sticks out from the front of your house.

50,000? £50,000. It's a lot. I admit, 50,000 is a lot,

this do a lap in the hands of our tame racing driver.

Here we go. And look now, look at the brake discs glowing red hot.

There has been a lot of that going on.

I'm buying time here. Because this obviously is...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, you have to keep up some secrets.

You're a team and it's always teamwork.

But we had many of those great events together in all these years.

I mean, in life, you always have regrets. You always do certain things

Well, I have several areas that I fill up my time with.

So here's a clear message, everybody.

Richard Hammond is on the Vincent Black Shadow, which is the fastest motorcycle in the world.

The home town of the Mallard,

What's that noise? It's me being told off not use a mobile phone by the man.

The bike running absolutely like a metronome.

I'm by the side of the A1.

Durham Cathedral. We're in Durham.

Only 20 miles?

Enjoy your time in the lead because it will be short lived.

Dual-carriageway. Oh, God, this engine's good.

Yes, yes, in the car, in the car. Don't worry about the handbag.

You want me shovelling?No, I need to shovel. I understand.

this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Oh, God above.

He's stopping at every station.

signs. Cole, fire, fire, steam, I'm going to have to seriously run.-