The Big Bang Theory

Okay, well, do you want to go?

People will write books about me.

Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?

How can you say that?

Odd, President Seibert posed the exact same question.

we'll have an entire summer without Sheldon.

Our dreams are very small, aren't they?

Thank you,

I'll admit that was a concern.

so why don't you take a few moments to discuss it?

Hang on. Let's talk about it.

But if we were part of the team that confirmed string theory,

I could also be the engineer

Well, I'm a Hindu.

Well, gentlemen, have you reached a decision?

But don't worry,

I need access to the Cheesecake Factory's walk-in freezer.

The woman has the attention span of a gnat.

All right, I'll see what I can do.

The freezer locks from the outside.

A little bit.

Where are your tools?

which will exercise your fine motor skills.

Raj, you will be painting

(groaning)

Okay, I can't do this.

Hold him down and I'll cut him open.

just to maintain our body weight.

If you were standing behind me nagging, I might.

my mother is fine with me going,

or being ripped to shreds by a 1,500 pound polar bear.

He doesn't tell me anything!

Oh, no, no, no, not just a blanket.

Oh, wow, cool.

MRS. KOOTHRAPALI: I told you no!

I don't think I can go to the North Pole.

It's not a part I care for, but such is my burden.

But she said she was gonna miss me and she gave me this.

Yes, obviously. All right.

She does have a short attention span.

Even in my sleep-deprived state, I've managed to

but we're leaving soon, and I needed to talk to you.

- Yeah, or you call me. - Great.

Hey, wanna make sure he gets nowhere with Penny

Fine.

Although I do have to live a little in the future, 'cause that's my job.

He's very shy.

He wants to talk about Penny. I don't want to talk about Penny.

And if you don't answer the phone, we can't know.

You have to check your messages!

or the cherry-flavored soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew?

- But the mission is for six months. - See, that's the code red.

"I screwed up your toilet and there's gonna be crap floating

I'm trying, but you have to admit this is pretty damn funny.

Don't you mean the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Human Waste Distribution System?

of the spare parts available on the Space Station.

I have to say,

You busy?

- Or e-mail. - Yeah, that too. Everything's broken.

I mean, glacial.

And, you know, treat her with, like, cool detachment

- to reinforce the center cross-support? - No good.

I feel terrible.

It's not superstition. It's practically Newtonian.

what if we just ran another line, bypass it entirely?

That could work.

I spoke to him and...

If you want to clean up your karma, go get my freakin' latte.

this little piece of PVC behind the support rod.

Why don't you use this instead of the PVC

I must say,

Not enough bread crumbs.

- and I want to apologize. - No, your advice was great.

and two bottles of wine later, we were making out in my car.

designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems.

- I've never been there. Have you? - Me? No.

Now? Right now?

I'm just in a good mood.

which would reduce Wolowitz to a wheezing 97-pound blister.

Well, enjoy your big evening.

Black case, top compartment.

That's not an email. That's Leslie's Facebook page.

Just go. I'll catch up with you.

if you get lucky, I'll sleep on the moon.

So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper

You went in my... Why would... What are you saying?

This is the real happiest place on earth.

Yeah. I really need to talk to you.

Okay, I hate to break this to you and whatever your "jammy" is, but...

Whatever.

"My life is meaningless. My future is without hope."

She's exactly his type; a hooker.

"I may open this $20 jar of peanuts and end it all."

Are you trying to make small talk?

That's not going to interest me at all. Just eat.

If you're not busy, we were thinking maybe you could...

where they shoot from the hip and keep it real.

You want the girlfriend experience.

I don't know, Sheldon.

What I've observed, however,

without developing an emotional attachment?

Hi, there. Howard Wolowitz.

It wasn't the first suggestion that came to mind,

"There was a tall man from Cornwall

that you promise to zip your hole for the next eight hours.

That's the spirit, Howard.

You guys go ahead. I just have to finish up an email.

That's not an email. That's Leslie's Facebook page.

She's saying she dumped me. People need to know I dumped her.

But she did dump you.

Grow up, Raj. There's no place for truth on the Internet.

Just go. I'll catch up with you.

We should have a plan in case one of us gets lucky.

Okay, if I get lucky,

I'll take her to my stately manor outside Gotham City, and...

Hang on. I think the emergency key is around here somewhere.

You should get a bowl.

forget his key in the first place?

and you guys weren't home and I forgot it there.

It's not a big deal. I was making coffee and I ran out of milk.

Leonard said I was crazy, but I knew that carton felt lighter.

I will call the building manager and he'll come open your door.

Eat? My dinner? In your apartment?

Sure. Why not?

and go skinny-dipping down at the creek.

'Cause today's the day to stop making sense.

Thanks.

free drinks brought to us by a bosomy barmaid

Dude, check it out! That's laundry for a month!

Hi.

So, you interested in a little party?

Michaela's inviting me to a party.

You better call the moon and make sure they have a bed for you.

Yeah. I really need to talk to you.

Excuse me. I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere. Don't move.

What's wrong with you, dude? That woman was all up in my jammy.

Okay, I hate to break this to you and whatever your "jammy" is, but...

Let me put it this way: In your entire life,

and asked if you wanted to party?

Maybe I can save her.

Maybe, but I'm guessing it'll cost you about $500 an hour to try.

It was lovely meeting you. Best of luck in your future endeavors.

Whatever.

Howard's losing it.

"I'm at the bottom of a black hole staring into the abyss.

"My life is meaningless. My future is without hope."

USA Today calls them "exuberant fun for the whole family."

She's exactly his type; a hooker.

You know, I bet if we hired her, that would cheer him up.

We're not gonna get Wolowitz a hooker.

"I may open this $20 jar of peanuts and end it all."

I suppose it wouldn't hurt to get an estimate.

Are you trying to make small talk?

They shifted my schedule around at the restaurant,

That's not going to interest me at all. Just eat.

If you're not busy, we were thinking maybe you could...

- We were wondering... - If you're really a prostitute.

I'm a prostitute.

The thing is, we've got this friend, and he's kind of down in the dumps.

And we thought maybe you could cheer him up.

How when you beat around the bush? She's from the mean streets

where he doesn't know that you're a, you know...

Yes. Yeah, exactly. The girlfriend experience.

could we have the Jewish girlfriend experience?

Okay, that's question 20. You have to guess.

I don't know, Sheldon.

I was Spock.

Where did that even come from? Did he say we were?

Just mail, no benefits.

Why are you asking?

On its face, the idea of satisfying one's sexual appetite,

assuming one is afflicted with such,

that seems eminently practical.

is Howard Wolowitz crying like a little girl.

Some people just can't handle that kind of relationship.

without developing an emotional attachment?

I really... don't want to talk about this with you.

Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?

I don't particularly excel at reading facial expressions...

All right, where are these amazing shrimp?

Esther Rosenblatt.

I don't think the manager's coming tonight, so here.

Are you suggesting I sleep on the couch?

but it's the one I'm going with.

I can't sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed.

beloved children's book, The Tall Man From Cornwall.

What?

"whose length exceed his bed.

"there's no room for my big Cornish head."

All right, I will give you my bed on one condition:

that you promise to zip your hole for the next eight hours.

Turn-ons? Let me see.

long walks on the beach...

and getting freaky on the Sabbath with a bacon cheeseburger.

Really? Me, too!

Or we can finish eating and then go to the comic book store.

Fascinating.

"Why, I’ve fallen down the rabbit hole and into a land of madness."

Comics are feeble attempts at humor

Spider-Man. Get him Spider-Man.

Oh, I forgot Sensational Spider-Man.

Don't worry, they're more scared of you than you are of them.

And is familiar with the reestablishment of the DC multiverse.

Guys like that are so pathetic.

Blink twice if you're here against your will.

I just meant for... yeah.

Uh, yeah, that's Captain Sweatpants.

- Got it. - Got it.

I need this for my Batman collection.

Excuse me.

A morally ambiguous confidence man who smokes,

Depends. Do you like it?

I have got to learn how to draw.

Okay, you've got my number.

Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine/Star Trek

Then is it fair to say that you're experiencing

Would you rather I offer my personal insight?

he gets 45 percent off comic books.

Chinese food, vintage video games...

Hey, Stuart.

It's Friday night-- that means Chinese food and vintage video games,

Let me just go inside and slip off my underwear.

but you wouldn't have to because there are no women in them.

No. It's way too early in the night for that.

You know, it's kind of early.

The original Robin, Dick Grayson,

Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.

Batman 2 has to be the second Robin, Jason Todd.

Barkeep!

What about the ones in the corner?

Put this in your mouth.

Then we get them up to about a .15 blood alcohol level

Au contraire.

So, I win.

You tell me the truth, what do we get?

Enough with the guilt, Ma.

Okay, I get it, you're angry.

The new ones.

That's nice.

On a scale of one to ten

Are you now or have you ever been a salsa

I'm trying to determine whether crying

Hi.

Oh, yeah, I don't usually dress like this.

"I'm dressed like a slob today, too."

Is Leonard around?

Oh, they're all up there, huh?

Is demonstrably fallacious.

Sounds like a sweet deal.

Nice dress.

I don't know, it means shucks.

Yeah, I know, tell me about it.

This goes on for a while

The owner then says, "well, lots of single,

It's a little insulting, don't you think?

You know, like you promised... a week ago.

Sarcasm.

All right, I cared enough to memorize that stupid joke,

The old queen must either locate to a new hive or

I'm just talking about bees.

I just got that physicist joke.

- Even though the menu description specifies shredded? - Yes.

So, what do we got going on tonight, huh?

Oh, you're a lifesaver.

They can't hear you.

Get your television from your ex-boyfriend.

It just creams my corn.

Oh, boy.

Um, I don't know.

Um, hey, hey, can I talk to you about that for a second?

Um, they don't know how to use their shields.

Sheldon,I'm sorry about your hamburger,okay?

And how much profit do you make per... Penny Blossom?

- That's all? - Before taxes.

Penny...

Could you maybe show me how to make more money with this?

Just to be clear here,you're asking for my assistance.

Good.

you'll effectively be paying yourself... $5.19 a day.

- Just please tell me what to do about it. - All right.

Okay,you know what,if I'm not allowed to be snide,you're not allowed to be condescending.

The moving assembly line,that was introduced by Henry Ford in 1908.

Let's go. We're going to miss the coming attractions.

♪ Please pay attentn and listen to me♪

Hello?

I assume you're referring to the sea shanty.

I'm helping her optimize her manufacturing process.

What if we infused the bottom layer with silicone-RTV to provide a better mounting surface?

Why not eliminate the middle man?

Let's think out of the box for a moment.

Hey,we could liberate some micro-porous charcoal from the chem lab.

Uh,hey,it's your business. Do whatever you want.

I'm still tweaking things a little bit,but this will give you the general idea of the Web site.

Okay,what's wrong with it?

Please. Dateline could use it to attract predators.

What I want is irrelevant. This is Penny's decision.

Look at the comments.

How are flower barrettes going to appeal to men?

Penny,everything is better with Bluetooth.

"The Fifth Annual East Rutherford,New Jersey,Gay,Lesbian,Bisexual and Transgender Alliance Luau."

Amazon offers one-day rush.

Excuse me,but was this not your goal?

That,right there,that equivocation and self-doubt,that is not the American spirit.

Your gross receipts on this one order will be over $3,000 for one night's work.

She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes

Your father's a gynecologist. And you had a house full of servants.

Who made Sheldon the boss anyway?

Less talk,more work!

I have complete faith that you will make them. Good night.

Here,this will help.

If it varied slightly,life as we know it would not exist. Bam!

no,it is retreating from a,from a possibility space. Bam!

Bam!

1,000 friggin' Penny Blossoms.

See, by attaching RFID tags to my clothing, it will able my laptop

Well, that does sound much simpler.

- I don't follow. - I wouldn't expect you to. I'll see you later.

one of the great American trains operating on one of the classic American routes.

What's wrong with Jiffy Lubes?

and you've already said a thousand words.

Meanwhile back in the 21st century, people are raising their tray tables

He is referring, of course, to third class on Indian Railways' magnificent Ranakpur Express

It can't be. What would Summer Glau be doing riding the train?

a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing

You're overlooking something.

That's it.

You fail to take into account that even mute, I am foreign and exotic,

Why don't I get a shot?

Built in 1956 and originally known as the Santa Fe Lounge Car,

No, no, no, that always creeps girls out.

What's the matter?

that I was going to give to George Smoot at the conference.

Well, there's nothing you can do about it, so relax.

Only ten hours, 55 minutes to go.

We then take the 1:13 train back to Union Station.

Look, Penny's home. Why don't we just call her, have her go in the apartment,

I see. Well, it seems once again, you're caught between a rock and a crazy place.

- That's cute. - Really? I just made it up.

Oh, great.

but it might be the only chance I'll ever get to play Anne Frank.

It's Sheldon.

- limited as they may be... - Give me the phone.

Okay, step one. Locate your emergency key to our apartment.

Leonard, let me tell you something. Personal robots cannot get here soon enough.

Come on. When you were on TV in Firefly, you were actually in space.

Easement.

Put one beer in him, and he's M. Night Charmalarmalon.

Some sort of placebo effect, I guess.

Hoberman's Sphere.

Where you have the Big Dipper, we have the Big Curry Pot.

Non-alcoholic beer.

Just letters.

Delightful.

Nobody calls me Moon Pie but Meemaw!

Salami on pumpernickel.

Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down two millimeters.

There it is.

Did you guys see the new budget memo that went out this morning?

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Leslie.

Yeah, okay, but what's with the back - scratching and the meow!

The meow, that sounded to me like an African civet cat.

I'm thinking Howard wasn't making a back-scratching metaphor.

Great, 'cause I've been dying to say something.

My good man, dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court-martial offense.

Okay, one way to look at this is that I'm getting new equipment,

How can I calm down? I'm gonna lose my whole shopping cart.

- What difference does it make? - Here we go.

Boy, I love him, but he is one serious waadoodle.

Yeah. You ought to come out with us sometime.

Sexy.

Oh, it's great.

Oh, great.

He's got company!

Okay, then you kids have fun!

There's a chance.

Why do we have to tell him I did it?

We could him they wanted the couch to stay away from their boyfriend.

Oh, come on.

How was the comic book store?

They don't talk incessantly for no particular reason.

Want to see it again?

It doesn't feel right.

Why don't you just eat in your desk chair?

Wackadoodle.

Can't you be a little bit flexible?

He also makes keys.

Ooh, looks like I'm gonna have sex tonight.

I'll pick you up in ten minutes.

Nevertheless, I must depart.

You're improving.

Why not?

What about it?

Actually, I'm trying not to say it.

'Cause then we'd be in, like, a real relationship with feelings and all that crap.

Here you go. Fresh from the cleaners, good as new.

There, nice and comfy cozy. Zero, zero, zero.

What do you mean, "nope"? What's wrong with it?

All right, you start.

What do you mean why?

which is often the result of unmet childhood emotional needs.

I just, I tried being good at sports,

Good to see you, Mother.

It's cold.

Mine from the neuroscientific point of view

Here's your tea, Mother.

So, Mother...

Yeah, I-I thought you guys might hit it off.

with a Bible because

I had to attach my own electrodes.

of their respective fields.

Why else would you grow a pancreas in a teenaged gibbon?

yousa lookin' so so sad.

That was fast.

Go.

He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.

Meesa thinking yousa looking pretty sad now too, betcha, betcha.

Fine. Let's go.

I could just read the paper the Italians wrote.

Wait, wait, she's not gonna come here looking for you, is she?

as a new career path.

The locus of my identity is totally exterior to me.

So I'll finally get my daddy's approval?

Yeah, you grabbed your penis and wouldn't let go.

Yeah. I got a dressmaker's mannequin,

Nothing's ever big enough.

suggests an attempt at flattery.

What are the odds that two individuals

Oh, okay, we're sharing.

So, what do you think?

I can't help but speculate we'd be very good together.

and remarkable release of endorphins.

Only when you're in a CAT scanner.

because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.

You know, it occurs to me you could solve all your problems by obtaining more money.

and the hollowed-out buttocks of a superhero action figure

I see no large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology

Of course you will.

and I think I'd be willing to be a house pet to a race of super-intelligent aliens.

The learning opportunities would be abundant.

Yes.

Did you know the beret is an example of piece of women's fashion adapted from male military uniforms?

Look, it finally arrived, all right?

Well, you clearly did something to aggravate her.

It's getting tougher and tougher to be a bad Jew.

He has a nervous bladder when he's stressed out.

- Okay. - You're damn right it's okay.

You seem under pressure. Did I not lend you a sufficient amount?

Going home, where I won't be interrogated like a criminal.

you should know that I've moved my money out of the snake can.

$14, huh?

Yeah, well, that's not really my big problem.

Just a suggestion.

Nothing? It sounds like you got caught speeding going 4,000 miles an hour.

Did he pay you back?

Oh, no...

Leviticus 11:3: "Only that which parteth the hoof and cheweth the cud among the beasts shall ye eat."

We're on a quest through the Valley of Fire to acquire the sacred crown.

Do you guys remember Penny's ex-boyfriend Kurt?

Really? You're just gonna let me go by myself?

Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants?

in a suicidal mission to extract money from him?

They had a terrible time of it, Leonard.

Guys, there are four of us and one of him.

Um, you remember Sheldon, Howard and Raj.

No, no, she's too proud to ask for the money.

I got it. He didn't remember me because the last time we met, I was in a Halloween Costume

I guess, technically, that was my fault.

Sheldon Cooper.

There was a fire on the bulletin board at the university.

How do carbon atoms form a benzene ring?

1st warning.

What is this?

Yeah, I agree. The social sciences are largely hokum.

Java applet writing?

Wait! How many questions are on this thing?

Sheldon honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don't know, pleasant?

Come on! There's over 200 questions.

And your essay, suggesting that I'd have better luck making friends if I wait 'til the Cylons take over?

It's kinda cute.

What I'm trying to say is that, maybe you can't approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.

I'm sure much of the research already exists.

I'm going to acquire a book that summarizes the current theories in the field of friendmaking.

My condolences.

Okay, if you're gonna start sniffing people, I'm gonna go get a hot pretzel.

Oh! I love trains!

Oh! Here we go.

Hardly makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn't you agree?

Hi Rebecca, I'm your new friend, Sheldon.

It's a terrific book. I've distilled its essence into a simple flowchart that would guide me through the process.

Perhaps the two of us might share a meal together...

I bet we share some common interests.

Tell me another interest of yours.

What is wrong with you? Everybody likes monkeys.

Gee. Why can't Sheldon make friends?

He could talk while you drink.

No one expects to see Hominids learning to use bones as weapeons.

Come on, they have birthday parties here. Little kids climb this.

What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand?

Well, it's not exactly a plan but I think I'm going to pass out.

1, 2, 1, 2, 3 and...

That's where I sit.

Maintaining five friendships promises to be a Herculean task. So...

Well, that may be a slight exaggeration.

Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango.

Excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you're the one who's peculiar.

Wait a minute.

He wants to know why you're not at school today!

I don't have homework.

You make me want to kill myself.

Mostly about men from Nantucket and hermits named Dave,

Oh, snap.

Wet's settle this woboto a woboto.

Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.

What does that mean?

Never mind. Just, please go talk to him.

Oh, yes. You said you owed me one.

What about her?

I don't wanna talk to her.

Your mom seems nice.

For some things that I have said.

I mean, get over yourself.

Excuse me, but how are we gonna make any modifications without Wolowitz?

Do either of you know how to open the toolbox?

but they left a little of the overbite.

at the ninth grade talent show.

It's cute.

Do you think maybe sometimes

You build stuff that goes into outer space.

I don't know.

Good work.

The only improvement you were able to make

Trust me, Kripke will fall easy prey to my psychological warfare.

I will, however,

Congratulations on the MacArthur Grant, by the way. Big fan.

Where were you that's more important than Wii bowling night?

"Dave." Sounds like Leonard's got a new BFF.

We play Rock Band on our X-Box.

That's not... He does it better.

No, because we don't celebrate

pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes

but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity.

It's too late. I see it. That elf sticker says, "To Sheldon."

Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.

- Are you gonna make it? - Yeah, I guess.

Why is that so surprising?

- Actually we are. - We're examining the radiation levels

The last thing I would ever call you is a geek.

- I guess. - How about we go see it now?

- Okay. Let's go. - All right.

You're kidding.

That presupposes Penny is tense.

- You put no thought into that. - I'm sorry.

infer and describe the hypothetical relationship

I don't understand what you're talking about

This is an amazing woman. She has a curious and agile mind,

You know, that dark matter isn't going to detect itself.

It's not an experiment! You saw what happened last night.

See, I will open her gift to me first

It is, isn't it?

Why couldn't you have just done what Leonard did

You'd have to drive a railroad spike into his brain

Why are you yelling at me?

of his girlfriend.

Lactose.

Come on, it's Christmas, just give me this one.

so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don't be alarmed.

and... here.

We don't ask questions like that.

Hi! Stephanie, right?

She's heard about you because we're,

in my pajamas and have cereal with Mrs. Vartabedian.

- It was very nice meeting you. - Nice to finally meet you, too.

So, that's Stephanie, huh?

And she's proving to be a valuable roommate.

and the older couple with the mouse ears, I have no idea.

Nice. Cotton?

Leonard, huge mistake.

See the blonde over there?

- She was? - Of course not. Look at her.

All I need is for you to authorize these tests.

I wish you'd told me that sooner.

happened kind of suddenly, but it's fine, it's great.

Just tell her you need the relationship to move at a pace

You have a really good grasp on this.

You were right. Your larynx is terribly inflamed.

Why don't you just tell me what it is you have to tell me?

that we move at a pace

Really? Right now?

So, you told her you wanted to slow things down?

You had sex, didn't you?

Nothing. Just... rethinking my whole life.

I mean, look, if it's meant to be, it'll be.

Right, yeah...

but I pretend like I don't care

Well, this is very pleasant.

Sufficient for each person as it doubles in volume when cooked.

Hmm, technically not a fruit, but all right.

When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.

Snowball, before he caught fire.

Specifically,

Do you? because frankly,

Then we risk losing the medical officer

One of my earrings.

Hi, sheldon.

You couldn't have done a better job.

Does he always do this?

Yeah, furthermore, earlier this evening,

Give me one good reason why not.

I suppose I could spare a few minutes.

But leonard is failing in yet another relationship.

Time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.

Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.

Oh, I don't think you can.

Which would have been two and a half if

No matter how much you put on.

Is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation.

Why can't they do something about lactose intolerance?

Yeah, I'm not driving anywhere tonight.

That apparently is destined to go unsatisfied.

Oh, for god's sakes.

No, no, no, I got it.

Oh, okay, yeah, hang on a sec.

What a beautiful job stephanie did.

I can't remember a time when you weren't talking.

Hey, how's my big cry baby?

coitus is contra-indicated.

I saw what you did there.

What happened?

Yeah, Star Trek V worse than I.

Star Trek V has specific failures

All right, will you at least stipulate

Where do you think? On Mars!

and my mother won't care she's not Jewish.

I need you and Raj to help me get the Rover out of the ditch

My mother is so gonna love her.

You know, if you look at the big picture.

Got it.

(typing)

without any means of propulsion.

Oh, snap.

REPORTER: A NASA spokesman states that due to the loss of data,

No, you're mistaken.

Leonard is subtly signaling

Who would ask me?

Leonard, a moment.

All right. Leonard went to the office.

See? Why don't I believe you?

I thought about stuff.

I would've swallowed that lasagna whole.

Let me know.

There's a bed in there, and I'm very...

My Aunt Betty and Uncle Elliot are coming in from Palm Springs.

Do you want me to stop and call him back right now?

Leave a message. (beep)

I have a coupon from the paper.

It's Howard.

Well, last time you bought a new shirt was when we were dating.

So, who is she?

If your friend thinks he's dating someone,

So why'd you ask?

Thank you. I had no idea!

I'm not dressed to receive!

thanks for calling me back. I was worried...

Thanks for calling.

(yelling)

Sadly, Mrs. Giselle Wolowitz is sensitive to chlorine.

A.k.a. the future Mrs. Howard Wolowitz.

Just eat.

Yes.

Just put it back before he comes!

Why would you do that?

Three strikes and you're out.

You violated my rule about forwarding email humor.

and you betrayed that trust by sending me Internet banality:

Come on, I touched one onion ring.

I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else.

Yeah, yeah. Uh, see, here's the thing.

Are you insane?

we will put a Wolowitz on one of America's top models.

for the highly allergic kosher-only-on-the-high-holidays Howard.

You're banished from the Cheesecake Factory.

Um, I talked to Sheldon

He'll even tell you what to say.

Thank you.

I got a buddy of mine at NORAD to have a spy drone fly over.

Here. Try and go online.

This recorded message is alerting you

Well?

I can hogtie and castrate him in 60 seconds.

As a consequence of your efforts to circumvent my will,

Easy to anticipate.

Oh, no, are all the machines taken?

you'll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.

and a brassiere caught my eye.

Get them down.

Look, you've got to meet me halfway here.

Well, now it's junior rodeo on.

Oh, no, no, no. It is just beginning.

He can never know that I gave that to you.

Oh, pause it. That's it. Confirmed.

to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft

But why should I cater to second-rate minds?

I think you're just brilliant.

You know, the Pishkin-Wolowitz Liquid Waste Disposal System

I don't drink coffee.

with extra peanut sauce from Siam Palace.

So funny.

I assumed we were going to be alone.

Over the years, we've formulated many theories

On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species,

What are you guys gonna do?

Her loss. Let's go.

Aren't you having breakfast?

and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.

Ramona pointed out that I've been wasting 20 minutes a day

I see you got a grad student to fight your battles for you.

Aren't I?

The only way I could explain it would be in a therapist's office with dolls.

"than the fervent and unconditional dedication

A man with your intellectual gifts

- What do you think? - Drat.

And then, never ever watch it.

Ramona finally dozed off,

Why aren't you working?

Then will you explain it to me?

I know it's hard, but he's a gift to the whole world,

I don't know Morse code.

That only applies if you need me

The Body Snatchers clause requires me to help you destroy

to perform at optimum levels. Now come on.

Your "check engine" light is on.

Sheldon, it's fine.

What?

- No. - The answer's tricky.

Leonard and I often use our commute time

Okay. I'll say an element, and you say an element

Now, you could say "mercury."

and, then, you're left with "mendelevium,"

Why don't we just have a little quiet time now?

Howard, help me out here.

I need to get to the laser lab.

- We had a difference of opinion. - Over what?

Wednesday's new comic book day. We have to go to the comic book store.

But I don't have a problem.

- All right, come on, Sheldon. - Hold on.

I want to go to the comic book store.

Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn't make me wet myself

I was otherwise engaged.

Application?

sign the bottom, answer the questions, bring it back. Next!

That's because I don't.

Look... question two:

"but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction."

I adapted it from something a friend of mine designed for the army.

Here we go. Red 2006 Ford Taurus

You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker's lightsaber?

and shift into drive.

Okay, now shift into drive.

I was on the Pasadena freeway. I missed my exit,

I'm confused.

What makes accidentally noticing a hunk of rock

You were hiding from me as an unbalanced charge,

He came over last night with some pretty good news

Really? do tell.

Is the best raj is ever going to achieve?

Let's show raj that we're happy for him.

But I'm bigger than that.

We're here to see koothrappali,

We just wanted to invite you out to dinner tonight.

Mr. wolowitz.

But you didn't discover him.

I'd rather have fishbein's. it's bigger.

Is gonna raise us a pile of money taller than...

It's the same food as the cafeteria, only fresh.

Have any of you boys ever been to a photo shoot?

they gave him an assistant

You just got him this afternoon.

Where, when a hunter flaunts his success

Sheldon?

If the planetary body he discovered

Of course I would.

I have a limo. I just love saying "limo."

You look very nice.

All right, come on. come on.

Just waiting for you to contact them.

So you're just gonna sit around here and mope

Tonight will be the night my sleep apnea kills me.

Yes. thank you.

Sorry.

A story from my childhood.

A montgomery ward delivery van ran over our family cat lucky.

Provided me with the opportunity to replace him

I wanted a griffin.

But my parents were unwilling

But... what's your point?

But consider this-- the japanese,

That may well be,

Our new friend is going to be iron man.

No, it's time to put on some r. kelly and suck face.

Make yourself comfortable.

Sheldor?

Sheldor back online.

I'm a level-three warrior.

Because her face is overly midwestern, um...

Level three, and she thinks she's rich.

A non-newtonian fluid, which is liquid,

No, that's what she said-- sheldon.

Well, have you been to the temple of mishra?

They were playing all last night, too.

All right, gimme, gimme, gimme.

Well, wear different pajamas.

A level 25.

Dr. winkle, what colorful name

And dr. winkle just wantonly

Leonard, you have to do something about penny.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

No, fritz, I need you on my flank.

You know, kind of...addicted.

Penny, you've got...

Hey, Penny, it's me again, Leonard.

That multi-player monkey on your back.

But probably in a different way.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

Can I have your phone number?

Avoid the mummies. got it.

I dumped them, they're a bunch of wussies.

These are market research questions.

With one being always initiated by him

Of course. Out of respect.

Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary.

- What happened to you? - Nothing happened to me.

Like who?

she's unjustifiably arrogant about loop quantum gravity,

I like Leslie, but she's not interested in dating

like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory.

Anyway, it got me thinking. Now that you're unattached,

with a bunch of people she doesn't know.

how do you suggest we proceed?

Great.

Break out the Red Bull, it's time to rock Mario, old school.

The thing is, someone's coming over.

- Statistically speaking... - All right, all right.

- Yeah, why not? - What if I choke on my popcorn?

Pastries such as bear claws?

why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?

Everybody has a date.

- What happened to Chow's? - It changed.

When his uncles sit around the dinner table,

East Texas blowhole, I agree.

I guess I'll call you and we'll arrange another evening.

From the Charlie Brown cartoons?

I'm sorry, I am not going back to the Renaissance fair.

exploring a planet similar to Earth in the 1500s.

Why don't we all move over there so Leslie can join us?

How do I know someone's not touching my food?

if you really gave it the old college try.

The Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel.

She belittles my research.

Wait a minute. Why am I doing all the giving here?

When the two of you reach a natural stopping point,

to your desire to have a relationship with Leslie.

Look, everything went fine.

- no flushing of the chest. - Nice close-up, by the way.

I'm not there because I'm taking things slow,

Give him time.

All right, I heard yes, so...

No, I meant, has he ever been involved with someone

For another, it was literature.

I get it. Leonard has no business being involved

was "community college graduate"?

Okay, this is between you and me. You cannot tell Leonard any of this.

Yeah.

I could be Batman.

If you're free Friday night, I thought maybe we could go see a movie.

What did I do wrong?

No, I didn't.

Look, why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?

Which you did not hear about from me.

- It was a drizzly Tuesday. - Okay...

Yeah, there kinda does.

I'm still confused.

one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu householder?

I believe they call that the... ol' switcheroo.

Aishwarya Rai is a goddess.

- Do you want to switch? - No, that's fine.

We're just talking, Ma!

Comfy now?

Yeah, Julie Newmar, Michelle Pfieffer, Eartha Kitt, and then her.

I'm trying. I'm counting Catwomen.