One Day at a Time (2017)

At her ex's wedding, Penelope experiences a surreal conversation. Elena finds she has more she needs to say to her father. Dr. B gives Lydia her gift.

Now, let's go!

♪ We'll just take it like it comes ♪

Cousin's cousin. No blood relation. Go for it, baby.

Hmm. So, you're worried that you may not find the love of your life?

Don't give me that it's-all-inside-me caca.

My body rejects even the idea of setting foot in Cuba.

He's an excellent swimmer.

The same flight.

[BOTH] Ugh!

I don't understand what happened with this one.

Are you sure?

And you're gone again.

out of a selfless need to protect the people that he loved.

It was really nice.

Uh, Nicole and I are so happy that you all are here.

So, in front of family and friends...

Oh, come on! It's a Cuban wedding in LA.

But now, I'm an American, so hit it.

Are you okay?

A wedding probably isn't the best place for me right now.

She really said that about me being an Alvarez?

♪ And now I know it's all ♪ ♪ All because I love you ♪

but he is a podiatrist from Glendale.

is not as fun as it sounds.

it'd be you.

Everyone keeps telling me I'll be happy when I find someone.

After putting Alex in a difficult position, Schneider gets tough love from Penelope. Dr. B consults Lydia's bouquet list for "non-iversary" gift ideas.

Yes.

I'm never gonna get a job. I'm gonna live at home forever.

You mean the tiny old lady

Okay, Mami, let's spread out.

Oh, look. A giant smoking bing-bong.

my best friend and her daughter sneaking into my apartment.

I went through a really hard time where I was tempted to,

I've always been there for this family.

Good, because we're not going anywhere until he gets here.

You're up.

with your grandmother's non-iversary gift.

"Kiss the ugly Property Brother

and I know she'll love.

This guy!

who didn't get their licenses.

Ahh. Martinelli's?

No, my shirt! I need to wash it before it stains.

I think I threw up on my pants.

I thought you quit a long time ago.

Dr. Berkowitz called me and said

Now go out, have some fun...

I can't drive you unless we have someone 25 or older in the car.

how he always said I was bad at everything.

I'm removing my eight-year chip.

Nobody ever asks the addict to do that kind of stuff.

It's just gonna be hard to get back.

Yes, of course you can.

When her ex-husband introduces the family to his new girlfriend, Penelope feels unexpectedly resentful and comes to a realization about Mateo.

but then they got really serious... really fast.

Well, my pronouns are she and her,

so I can pass it on to my students.

This is gonna put me in therapy.

I'll go get my cargo shorts and braided belt.

Right! That guy. He is so sweet. He's been texting me all morning.

They're going on with their lives, and we should go on with ours.

busted your butt to get him healthy.

You should have had him neutered.

But he's committed. He has too much to lose.

Don't say my name.

What are you wearing? "VAG"?

You know, maybe Pam was onto something.

I'm telling you, lady,

You are the baddest bitch in here.

I mean, when I'm trying to get to work, it is,

Why don't you use this awkward moment to refresh my rum and Coke?

Uh, can we make this rum and Coke fit for a Cuban grandma? No Coke.

Cheers.

give me a call.

You know what me and her ending up at the same bar is?

between him and your kids.

But I became whole again.

This is all a show,

I'm sorry I was ignoring your texts.

and we decided to give it another shot.

This is good.

Mami, Dr. Berkowitz called for you.

Schneider makes a big decision in order to please his visiting father -- at the expense of Penelope's family. Lydia finds Alex's confiscated pot.

Since when do you knock... and dress like American Psycho?

Oh.

- Nice suit. - Oh, thank you.

our new, top-of-the-line laundry room.

You know, I met your father at the Bohemian Grove a while back.

- Shall we? - Yeah.

that shook so hard they moved across the room.

Oh! Yes!

Wow! He was almost not awful.

That's the highest compliment.

Anyway, Father said it was ingenious

You won't be paying rent anymore, because...

and he said a lot of things that made sense,

I buy Target furniture!

This is really gonna affect us.

you are still the man and we're just your tenants.

Is this why you have been grounded?

I slightly loosened all the sconces.

Havana, 1952...

I, too, rode the green dragon.

We keep secrets from everyone else.

But you are growing up and it makes me a little sad.

- Hey. - Hey.

And it is a good business decision.

Actually, Father, I've decided I'm not gonna take the building condo.

so you could forget that polite, Canadian crap

So this is about a little boy who's sad

That was freaking amazing!

When Penelope has anxiety attacks, her support group helps her figure out what's triggering her, how to cope and why she's not telling her kids.

Once my brain goes there, I can barely breathe.

But I think I'm handling it well.

Okay, none of those are healthy coping mechanisms.

- But then... - Ay, thank god!

Yeah, because I'm too pretty for jail.

I can get it myself 'cause I live here now.

You know, he's a really good guy.

I know he's a privileged, hipster, clueless man-baby

- I got one more question left. - No.

Should I join the Whiffenpoofs?

There's a whole other page.

Okay, relax. Just relax.

Ah! Who fed this baby so much?

All right, just doing my final check-in.

All this hard work, everything you're juggling right now,

and there were so many mosquitoes swarming everywhere?

Her breathing is relaxed.

Oh, believe me. I've tried,

Pero today, I need a little favor from you, please.

Obviously, I cannot tell her. Otherwise, she will get lazy.

No, I don't wanna freak them out like that.

Having anxiety and depression does not make you an unstable person,

And I have a very calming energy,

I'm sorry. I'm in test mode.

about how you wanna bankrupt the family by going to Yale.

♪ You'll never go ♪ ♪ You'll never go ♪

What's going on? What's happening? Look at me. Okay, stop. Breathe.

I just get really stressed out sometimes.

That was an anxiety attack, and I know because I get them too.

Penelope feels hurt after seeing an item on her mom's "bouquet list" that's about her. Dr. B finds the key to teaching a struggling Elena how to drive.

Come join me.

now that Leslie is teaching Elena how to drive.

she will steal the recipes,

I'm sure I will live forever.

Now, I want you to peek at yourself in the rearview and say,

Mmm!

which he will be able to pass down to his daughter's handyman.

"Please let us help you to your car."

Ah, good job, mijo.

All right. No damage to the car, got me a fresh pair of pants.

Driving's hard.

The original or the reboot?

So, for you, it is accelerate, brake, steer, avoid mailboxes.

Can you believe my mom?

I mean, these relationships can be tricky.

Sorry. I'd take her paella over sex with Schneider.

Do you think she'd like to meet my new sister?

'Cause your mother's always cooking for you?

♪ If all you have is leaving ♪

Call me when you send it.

I'm sorry she only hits you up for money.

So sick of this. Poop emoji.

Anyway... I thought staying sober these last eight years

Blinker on. Check in the mirror. All clear.

Rachel's house.

I bet Rachel's no different.

Whoo! All right!

Oh, God!

because you think it'll help me get a man?

Now, you are getting mad for nothing.

No, no, no, no, no. It's just little tweaks.

Abuelita, the teeth-whitening trays you ordered came.

I have a good career. I have two healthy kids.

Gracias a Dios, you finally get it!

Que? I kept that floor very clean.

and I am in awe of who you've become.

Lupita.

comes out because I love you, and I want you to be happy.

There is no one even close to you.

Penelope finds out Elena and Syd secretly got a hotel room. A grounded Alex enlists Lydia to stand in line to buy him the latest designer sneakers.

And you know, you...

The last time you wanted to know lesbian stuff about Elena.

Or is it just a symbol of a young man

I heard that car was suddenly going up for auction,

And what did your mom say?

Okay, I'm sorry too about the gendered greeting. Later, dudes.

- Yeah. - Yeah?

since I spend the afternoon chaperoning two horny nerds?

Do you, uh, need something from the outside?

and if I'm not in line at the store tomorrow,

Really? Okay. Thanks. Now, let me tell you which sneakers to get.

Is it working? Can you see what the phone is pointing at?

That's the life we chose as traveling astronauts.

We still need a credit card on file for incidentals.

Are you sure?

- No, no, no, no. - No, no, no, no.

We want the Jesus shoes.

I am going to tell you something I have never told anybody before.

You know, I know I might not be around forever,

You have four pairs. Give her the shoes.

Lydia, you did it!

Oh, wait.

Do you consent to engage in sexual activity with me?

mostly, I wanted to make sure this happened on your terms.

- Are you okay? - You're gonna see me naked.

We can never do it if that's what you want.

Rain ruins Valentine's Day plans, causing more than one couple to have their first fight. Schneider tries to hide his wealthy background from Avery.

I've been grounded for three weeks with no phone or TV.

We are celebrating.

Syd and I are doing the Heart Healthy fun run.

Have an amazing time at Benihana marveling at a volcano onion?

watch the planes take off while eating Taco Bell drive-through.

Well, there we were at the Burbank Airport,

Okay. Anyway, um, I'm kind of doing an alone thing for Valentine's Day.

So...

Wait. Where's Mami?

Everybody knows that going outside with wet hair

no matter how hard I try.

We ran right past Benihana.

because we are having a party!

I, really... I was supposed to be alone

Still grounded, huh?

I'm kind of curious to find out

My wife left me on Valentine's Day.

you cannot go through life like there's a cloud over your head.

No. It's next to the trash-can fire I use to keep warm.

Fine, let's just do what you want to do, again.

and just tell me what you want!

Ooh. That's nice.

I just thought you'd think less of me if you knew I had a lot of money.

Oh! Que romántico! Whoo!

I feel very much at home here.

All right. I'll see you when I get home.

I know she's a lot.

Alex... made a mistake like every teenager who's ever lived.

I did what I thought was right.

We are both very overprotective people!

How do you make sure we never have one of those again?

Every piece of chocolate, every petal on every flower... impecable.

Penelope catches Alex smoking pot at a concert. When Lydia develops a cough at the opera, she tries Dr. B's special lozenges.

I'm really sorry.

Man, that mosh pit was wild.

you're going to have to start trusting Alex.

It has three-ply toilet paper.

These are my bar-noculars.

- Oh, my god, you Waldoed him! - Yup.

Pen, he's vaping.

I cannot believe this concert is promoting marijuana!

I am so excited.

What is next?

I didn't even like it.

when you have the bladder of a hummingbird.

Do you have something to drink?

So, whatever. Now I'm banned from Home Depot.

I went there to spy on my son.

I mean, a lot of vets I know were prescribed opiates

That's true. At that age, the brain is still developing.

Oh, no. I wasn't trying to make a bud pun, but that was funny.

And if I find any marijuana, it's going right down the toilet.

I have a lot of experience hiding drugs.

When I was a kid, you had to roll a joint or smoke it out of an apple.

He's great kid and you're an amazing mom.

It is gay!

It's not that bad.

You want for long if you're a stoner.

there are a hundred losers whose lives never go anywhere.

You did?

When I was 17,

Oh, my god. Abuelita must've freaked.

So the reality is, if a white kid like Dylan

Sibling rivalry rears its ugly head when Penelope's brother, who can do no wrong in their mother's eyes, shows up during a family getaway to San Diego.

Your abuelita refuses to fly.

I'm sorry, baby.

But I have nothing else in my life!

I should probably be getting to the rest of my day.

Rush hour starts at four. What time is it?

They even spell motel with an H.

Guys, come here, check it out. We have a view of the pool.

- Mami. - Huh?

We'll just grab some from the minibar.

No one will believe it.

♪ Llegó la fiesta ♪ ♪ Llegó la fiesta ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪ ♪ You make my dreams come true ♪

I just don't think that the infrastructure is there

That's alright, 'cause I already made a reservation

Okay, as long as it's okay with you. I don't want to step on your toes,

Man, before I got sober

Just my ex is strangling me.

I've waited for any sort of father figure to say that to me?

"Everybody knows this."

Well, we also have him to thank

It just seems like everything I say makes you mad.

I mean, sometimes I wanna kill you,

You like to talk... a lot.

- if you stop talking about the boat's butt. - Okay.

For the funeral, that's it.

Right? I mean, that's what you do.

I love you, Lupita.

Hey, guys, check out these pictures Alex took of me.

Elena hides her grandmother's high heels. Penelope starts to see a male friend in a new way. Schneider meets a kindred spirit at the school auction.

We are so close to finishing up.

Relax, Penelope, they're gluten-free.

The maid is at the house with a body. The woman is crazy.

And you're definitely not an ILF.

I always feel like I'm drowning in shame.

I like a guy who can handle his business.

It's deep, it's physical, and once you feel it you can't ignore it.

then suddenly my eyes are no longer up here.

I will admit it's kind of weird to see you without heels.

Yeah, I'm trying to dress better.

You're gonna move them on to the quad, and because you were late,

What up, klutz?

becomes handyman for a night,

I type them onto paper I make at home from recycled phone books.

You're not some kid at the Havana club anymore,

That was very impressive.

Plus, with a typewriter, you can create something that lasts forever.

All right, Abuelita, time to go.

Abuelita.

Of course.

Well, I'm not much for tradition, so...

Whoa, she wrote a lot of zeros and turned two of them in the boobs.

but she's making me feel things that I've never felt before.

Um, did you really mean what you said about me?

experimental.

We are so on the same page. It's crazy.

I was thinking that you and me, we should go out sometime.

Then we'd be stuck with each other for four more awkward years.

I haven't slept since I saw you lying in that hospital bed.

I don't want to put them on a shelf and remember who I was.

I also have a really strong abuelita.

If the shoes are sufficiently stylish,

Mami, what happened to the motor?

To sing in front of a big band again,

When Penelope discovers Alex's secret Instagram account, his crass posts spark an intense family discussion about consent and harassment.

Supposedly, Alex is at the museum with Chloe

It's mostly pictures of sneakers he can't afford.

- What's with him? - We took that sexual harassment seminar.

I'll try to survive without you telling me my "melons" are in season.

No, thank you.

Ah... Oh.

It's so confusing out there.

Oh, man, that's not cool.

Hi, Mami. How was your day?

He should be using a reusable dingle.

Tweaking tatas.

Well, it's not cute, Alex.

Do I wanna hear the rest of the story?

And ticky-tocky, now he has a girlfriend.

I clean Papito's room twice a day.

Oh, poor men!

Mami, maybe you're comfortable with that type of attention

You see, he had a beautiful farm.

And the next thing Mimi knew,

And then Rico says,

But it's more complicated than that, Schneider.

- Yes! - No one's ever done that.

- Okay. - The cops had to break us up.

and then the man never has to take responsibility.

'cause she don't know what else to do with your hand on her boob?

You want to know?

"Come on, you guys, kiss.

Which is such a bummer.

I mean, you would never put up with that, Mom.

He assigned me to a trauma room in a tactical field hospital

He said...

into becoming a lawyer.

I'm sorry, Elena.

At a relative's funeral, Penelope urges Lydia to end a petty feud with her sister, and Elena wonders if her cousin Pilar is gay.

to Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation" video,

You don't want your name changed to...

I've always wondered if she's gay.

All right. Pilar is definitely gay, but nobody talks about it.

Like a lesbian Jesus?

Or chisme as we fluents call it.

I started a GSA, a gay-straight alliance,

Oh, look, anyone else.

Ophelia had the mantilla all this time?

without hearing our mami calling me weak from her grave.

What?

I was in the hospital for a week.

Now look at her go.

I had a stroke!

♪ Ave Maria ♪

♪ Ave Maria ♪

So, I wanted to apologize for earlier

What?

It just does not stick.

and it's really empowering not to have to be defined by...

Well, I don't want to lose touch with you when you move to Tampa.

I mean I could...

Seriously, this whole apartment is yellow?

I am getting mine and Juan's names on here,

Who calls me Tía Bitchy?

Mami, there are no names stitched on here.

We're Cubans, not ancient Egyptíans.

Well, I'll admit that you are light on your hooves.

Yes!

So, we've been fighting for over 20 years about nothing.