The League

At season's end, Jenny and Ruxin are vying for the Shiva while Andre and Taco duel it out for the Sacko. Kevin learns to read lips by watching porn. Pete buys a Crown Vic and is mistaken for a cop.

He's polling around everyone on the planet asking 'em the same question.

What's she focused on these days? Bye!

Oh, oh, you're reading lips now.

Well, I have this phone that I just downloaded all this filth

You're going to like this.

I didn't even know it had a name.

You guys off to solve crimes in pleated slacks and lady Rockports?

not tinkering with your team.

- Go! - All right, this is ridiculous.

Do you have any idea how infuriating it is to actually drive the speed limit?

Oh, there he is.

I brought a bunch of leftovers home; I've been eating

You see what's happening here? Shiva is punishing you.

- You've got DRAIDS. - I don't have DRAIDS.

I don't remember it that way.

And you are going to lose, you're going to go home, and you

- Ugh! DRAIDS! - What?

All right, and if I did, this is not the way you should treat

Get out of here.

Kevin's good. Kevin's good.

Are you kidding, dude? I'm in the championships right now.

Yeah, well, I got a quantry.

- The answer... - Mm-hmm. - ...is inside your body.

You got to stop thinking now, bro.

They just think I'm a cop.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer.

You-You could find me there.

Don't get cocky.

And by the way, please destroy Ruxin for us this weekend.

Okay.

I shouldn't, I really... No, I have to, that's it.

You're welcome, baby. I just won you the Shiva Bowl.

Babe, it's just a little bit of porn.

They work so good.

And I'm sorry you caught me cranking one out in the shower.

The beautiful flower that you see before you needed sunlight,

Well... I really hate him.

You get The Sacko.

Oh, n-no, get that out of the house.

Anquan Boldin was actually behind Joe Flac.

All I know is that six points from Flacco means you get The Sacko.

Yay!

- It's mine. - Andre, give it up.

Andre, you've got another Dre.

It's mine. Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's Christmas and more importantly it's the playoffs, so tension runs high. While Ruxin's revenge gift to Kevin goes terribly awry, Ellie suddenly acting up at school causes Jenny to worry that all this attention to fantasy football is making her a bad mom. Meanwhile Taco's eggs turn one year old.

he's going to sit right up here and he's going to keep his eye on you.

All right.

You're in the playoffs now, okay?

Horrible season.

Wait, I thought we weren't doing Christmas presents this year.

- Who? - I don't know who you're talking about.

are firmly grasping on to Pete's tiny little doner.

She had a kid, like, last year and she keeps telling me that I'm not ready and--

It's a real thing.

Kevin actually did something nice for daddy.

And now you're going to learn the most important Ruxin family value... revenge.

Ta-da! Chicken-milk stink bomb.

I wonder what job Kegel the elf has in the North Pole.

Look inward, my friends. You have the dirtiest mouth I know,

Oh!

How are things going with miss Martin?

And I was wondering if you might have a little talk with her.

How exactly do you see me broaching this subject with her?

a truck driver, and I might encourage her to hold a special

And neither are you.

My eggs... my year-old eggs?

I sent you my valuables 'cause you are my lawyer.

up my house and screw with my head before the playoffs.

What did I tell you?

What are you, uh, what are you doing here?

Trust me, you're going to change your mind when you see these eggs.

Oh, great, now look, they're just gonna stink up the whole house.

- Hi. - Lindsey Martin, Ellie's first grade teacher.

I mean, her kid came out big.

Oh, I would have loved to actually, but I already have a doctor.

So you have all your strength back?

I lost my shirt in that wine bar.

Hi... Ellie.

My daddy hid them.

I mean I'll give you a crap ton of presents.

All right, you got me on that one.

Kid's dumber than her parents.

Shit, shit, shit, shit.

You are, mm. Yes.

Yeah, it's... Do you think I'm strong?

I am going to the Shiva bowl, and, baby, you are coming with me.

- Yeh, uh-huh. - What is wrong with you?

where he throws his shoulder out and he's slamming it against the wall

- This is decided. - This is low.

I'm airing myself out.

d Eggs-mas is my favorite time of the year. d

All proceeds go towards my gas bill.

During the last week before the playoffs, Andre's special diet makes him exceptionally emotional about his matchup. Kevin gets in a fight with fantasy football gurus John Hansen and Adam Caplan, and Ruxin begs the guys to cover for him when he lies to Sofia.

Did you get to those Dukatech numbers that I asked you about?

After a little Fantasy...

and then again I always have Mike Wallace going up against the Bills.

All right, anyway, Wallace it is.

There's something in here called FootAndBalls.net.

No, this is how you keep your old job.

Here's what I's saying. You get me in the playoffs,

That's your problem.

Never.

being relevant in this league.

The team is almost as bad as Andre's.

You are riding a roller coaster of emotion.

- Look. - Whoa!

2014, died of ovarian cancer.

- It's, um, for my wife who recently

Let's think about this, and we'll get back to you on the

So glad to have you back. What can we do for you?

Her name. Ramona? Ramona.

Hi. Excuse me.

I don't get service in here.

Here we go.

I'm going to crawl up.

Go go go go go.

Somewhere--illegal lineup? What? No no, what--

But you ranked Wallace higher.

Tell me what to do!

Burleson's not going to make it this year.

I told you to change the name.

- Up. - Good job. - Alright.

If Sofia finds out that I don't have a dead wife,

Andre, stop eating the soy and growing man breasts.

No, no, you are, and the good news is, you won't have manstruation anymore.

You know, it blows, and you lose it.

Aw!

Look, at least you have two nice new little friends to play

Just calm down.

He's napping.

R-Ramona.

No psycho bull for this guy, huh?

And I want all you pendejos out of my house.

We don't use it anymore.

Oh, thank God you're here.

Okay, well, let's try to help. What's your question?

He hates your show.

I did it!

It's high-school reunion time, and Andre is looking forward to basking in his success while Ruxin wants to show off Sofia. Meanwhile, Pete needs a name for the new Last Place Trophy and everyone learns the history of the Shiva blast.

Trading coffee beans? Had stock much?

♪ You are my buddy... ♪

Why? I couldn't stop.

moment where you're just like, "I don't care what happens right

Thank you. And he called me the Herdsman.

mountaintop, just digging up every scrap you could find.

In. Come on, Kevin, you in?

comes around, I'm really hoping to have something to crow about.

I need to show you something.

but it's a lot of pressure.

I can't believe you did all of that on my desk.

Hello. Dr. Nosik?

This is an embarrassment of riches here, so I have created brackets.

Hey, Andre. How are you?

What was that? What was that?

Still had fashion sense back then.

- What's a nudicle? - Oh, it's a fake testicle.

Because they don't know what's real and what's fake then.

This is fantastic. So everyone have a great time.

No, baby.

My wife is super hot, okay?

How are you, Ruxin?

Yeah, we got to go... We got to round up some names for the... Okay, guys.

Really?

You might recognize her from the Ukrainian version of The

Uh, good talking to you, Ruxin.

Frank was best known for peeing in the water fountains in high school.

Just show me your balls.

Okay, great.

Rich? I never knew his name.

- Was he always? - Can you turn Asian?

Look at his face. Open the box.

Shit.

Wow, uh, Sheva.

This... this makes us even.

you don't have to see the other person at work.

How's it going?

You... you could take her spot.

I think this is perfect for you, man.

I actually have, like, a little confession to make.

This is gonna be crazy.

Herdsman no more.

offer, but you can shove it up your ass."

Tell them what?

I... Whoa.

Andre prepares for his turn as an expert witness in Ruxin's big case, but thinks Pete is trying to steal his thunder. Ruxin tries to ferret out collusion between Kevin and Jenny. Taco needs a nude portrait to impress the courtroom artist.

I'd be willing to do that.

'Cause Ellie doesn't need Mike Bell.

Yeah. You are good.

You know you're not in The Great Gatsby, right?

When I'm on the witness stand, what says "expert witness" more, this or this?

- Okay, I got this. - Okay.

Can you please state your name and occupation for the record?

Don't holster the guns, don't take the guns out.

And I liked what I saw, and I want that written down in the record.

I'm very credible. What is going on, you guys?

I would never want to do that.

And we have a loving marriage.

Oh... I'm just digging through your computers.

Sad little man, no!

The Holy Stromboli. I've tried; I shared it.

Taco, you seem happy.

This is a sex sketch.

It's got to be very sexual. Quid pro quo.

Andre, you shave shaft.

And I know that Kevin tells you everything.

What do you... That became that because of that.

Enter, Taco.

Let our work together begin.

Does it look good?

And as you can see, the cold has not reduced the bend.

Your team name is Password Is Taco, so...

How do you actually do that?

You need to relax a little bit. Loosen up your shoulders.

- I'm having second thoughts about the vest. - I told you not to wear the vest.

Oh, Mike Bell had a big week, huh? Did he?

Have a nice day at work, my little Mozart.

A fair amount. Fair amount.

Are you paying more or less for this new place than the old place?

ask very directly is... would you say that your life is markedly

is that your life is more difficult now because you're pretty?

My name is... my name is Slim Shady... No.

I am a plastic surgeon.

And how would you say the plastic surgery is?

Uh, 90%... Oh... ...of women... It's soupy. Look at him.

What?! No! No!

and sweet because we've all got better things to do.

Do you know this woman?

Oh, it's German for "The Thing."

Order! Answer me!

I want to see you in my chambers now.

I need to talk to you. Come here.

Until they shit on the carpet one too many times.

Okay? So I'm not really capable of doing more than what we were doing.

Andre and Ruxin refuse to accept a tie, adding to Kevin's current frustrations as league commissioner. Pete has a connection for great Bears tickets, but the gang warns him about what he may have to provide in return. Taco discovers Western medicine.

can't change a team's... come on.

Psyched for Sunday matchups.

To... the McArthur's Crotchnubs.

All right, just wash your hands before you use it, I don't get your germs.

Yeah.

And he's like, "Don't worry about it.

Are you really doing what I think you're doing?

- It's over. - Great.

And a tie is a tie is a tie. Listen to me.

Fantasy football is about proving that you're better than your friends,

- Do me, do me, do me. - Okay, here you go, buddy.

this situation in the first place.

What? I'm sorry.

Oh, excuse me, I'm over the line?

You guys can deal with all the problems yourself.

Uh, it's for headaches.

Can you guys just not mention to my parents about the law school thing?

Shit, shit.

I know what it is, but why is it here and why does he have it?

You got a fear boner.

He was cowardly, gay,

- I can do it. - You see, we have no options.

You couldn't come up with anything better to break a tie, huh?

A what?

Yeah, and then I'll win because he's dead, so... High five.

Okay, okay... Is that a real gun?

If they're not going to follow my rules, I'm out.

Run, run, run.

Commissioner?

- Interference! - It's a little contact! - Guys, shut up.

Hare you? What are you doing here?

Um... uh, yeah, sure.

commitment ceremony doing you a favor and inviting you over to his house?

All I ask is that you prepare yourself.

Oh, I got it!

There, I won!

You know what? I accept it. It's better than a goddamn tie.

No, no, you don't, but we know you.

Fortunately, though, we had two cameras.

- Good to see you, man. - You find it all right?

Mmm.

And then I was like, oh, for the hand job, I don't... I don't

- That's funny. - Oh my God. You got an erection.

(grunting and panting)

Y'all is trespassing and, from the looks of it, fornicating.

Heard you guys were making some friends in the park tonight.

I couldn't think of a scenario where I could bail both of you out.

- Your commissioner will bail you out. - You're commissioner again?

Kevin convinces everyone to come to the suburbs for Halloween. Meanwhile, Pete has given Ruxin the privilege of selecting his opponent's team for their upcoming match. Taco feels responsible for events relating to a petting-zoo monkey.

- Monkey. - What are you doing with the monkey?

He's freaking out!

(shrieking)

What? You guys don't like Reggaeton?

Playing against the Pittsburgh D.

Don't rock the boat.

So we go trick-or-treating around the neighborhood... we got

I think that's too far.

Well, you know, I was actually thinking maybe we would

What do you think Daddy should be?

Children's Halloween and adult Halloween do not mix, okay?

Bring her.

You know, this move gets this much percentage, this move gets

It works. It worked.

options I have to put together such a crappy team.

I mean, we all know the right one to pick, obviously.

Ruxin loses to Ruxin.

It's like that movie I Know What You Did Last Summer, except

Be afraid.

Let's get you a drink.

Hey.

So *

Forgive?

Where's the answers?

Okay, you're gonna cut your own leg off soon.

Is that Percy Harvin?

- Like you're wicking like sweat? - No, I'm Wicca.

- Alright. Why not? - Great.

Uh, just a little gladiator.

Like, a half of one.

Real witch.

Yes.

minor; she minored in it.

And as today is Samhain, it's the easiest day to communicate with the dead.

Okay, here we go.

Huh?

I see him! I see Potato.

Say it now.

You suffered the most painful death of all and you did not deserve it

monkey arms to tear me apart I didn't want it to end this way

I'm so sorry, Gho-o-ost Monkey. ♪

(wind whistling)

Oh, yeah!

What the hell was that?

Oh!

Ruxin throws Sofia an anniversary party on the same day as Jenny's birthday. Meegan returns with a 'plus one.'

Oh, by the way, she's my plus one.

Am not. Yes, you are.

I was Hacky-Sacking way before I ever met her.

You take care of it, honey, thanks.

Oh, the night before my birthday? My wedding.

I had to go for it.

Uh, I got some... Oh, let me ke... Here, get a little bit of

Well, come on over. Happy, happy, happy.

It's a gorgeous gift. I mean... Guys, quick question.

Thanks for being emotionally above-board and awesome, Ted.

Where is my drink, sweetheart? I don't know, but this is my third.

Thank you. Rodney? Ruxin.

I don't even know who you are.

Isn't she great? No.

Come on. It was a goof.

Honestly, like, I think Ted is great. He is great.

Really? Totally.

And we're so honored to have you come and join us at our anniversary party.

to throw an anniversary party for my wife...

Oh, that's... Come here.

Oh, uh, fantasy football?

Wow.

And if you could double up the bacon on that, that'd be great.

Do it, let's do it. You know what?

There's this. There's that.

Well, that's what you get when you live your life on the net.

I promised you guys a special night and that means no distractions.

head, but I know about your little plan.

my own camera without any of you knowing.

Whoa!

Hey, guys.

I'm worried that her family full of conquistadors is going

I don't know why I am marrying this woman.

Any noun you want, all right?

Love is a wonderful thing."

Is it terrible that I want to (bleep) your brains out?

The top of your original wedding cake.

I know how to make this right.

He's at the bar trying to cut his own hair with a knife, okay?

Ooh, let it take it in. No!

Pete spares Andre no grief after announcing plans to run a marathon. Kevin and Jenny seek balance between conflicting roles as both spouses and league adversaries. Ruxin offends a colleague, but Taco's new venture as a notary may be the solution.

Jenny and the guys catch up with their old friend Russell, and the guys all try to get Rafi out of the league by pretending that it's being ended. Meanwhile, Taco finds a toilet seat in a dumpster, and Andre buys an "interesting" expensive painting.

Affleck... Maybe we should just kill the league for real.

Hey, Jenny. How are you?

>>

Nothing. I gotta go.

Hey, Jenny and I ran into your buddy Russell who I guess

you're an addict?

I gotta keep my hands clean on this one.

Hey, just want to talk to you about this trade I was thinking about between us.

any punches 'cause Andre goes two speeds: fast and furious.

Okay, great.

In the street like dogs!

Guys, dive for the knife!

Jesus, I should draw veins on that thing.

Guys, how are we going to get Andre back?

He's like a cockroach with a beard.

There is no such thing as a sex addict.

Well, it didn't sound like that in Vegas, did it?

Uh, I can come back later.

Yeah, well, he was upset, so... Well, I wonder why.

Yeah, that's a good point, actually.

It was like he was working on another level.

I got a sex addict trying to plow my wife, and my brother's Pablo Escobar.

See? I knew it!

I mean, this... I couldn't do it to you.

You just sit on it, and you're like, "Wow, I could do anything."

Okay, well, it's very good.

Let's keep our eyes on the prize here, all right?

I love it.

Let me know if there's anything that I'm doing that is,

Today even.

know... just when I see, like, a room full of marbles, which is very re, um...

Open your mouth for just a second.

Hello, little man.

Can we just talk about the draft?

going to hang out for the rest of our lives.

(retching)

Yeah, we take the hummus and just put it all up in his couch.

When you're at work.

It's not a penis bird!

We may want him out of the league, but we don't want him dead.

I'm totally quitting the league.

I made brownies... No.

So, due to last night's circumstances, Raffi has decided to leave the league.

ALL: No!

But just FYI, you guys.

Andre brings in a new partner to expand his medical practice. Ruxin uses a sick kid to meet NFL star Josh Cribbs and Pete deals with the complications of dating Kevin's ex-girlfriend.

Lovie Smith.

Spark plug in the clubhouse.

I don't know what's racist and what's not racist.

33.

But I like to pretend I'm the first.

No, she had a funny name.

You've se Kevin and he's cool with the whole... us?

He's got this home gym obsession right now.

I mean... We all make mistakes.

But he had, like... He had, like a really pretty

You're not... I mean... I am not thinking about Kevin's penis.

So, Colin, what do you think?

Huh-ho.

Yeah, well, my wish was for a house on Nantucket and the

What is this?

- All right? - Really?

Can you do that for me, Josh Cribbs?"

What? It's a short-sleeved plaid shirt. I've worn it before.

- There are little kids. - It's ok, look, no one's around.

That's made up Japanese for, "I'm gonna go get high right now."

I'm a doctor, but I also need to be a personality.

I want to become the Sanjay Gupta of plastic surgery.

it seems to me like you and I... we have the same mind for things.

No, no, no, no, I did not... I did not say that.

You know, like-like, one of my best friends, Percy.

(whispers): He's in prison.

All right, let's hit those pecs.

All right, I got it.

- I have a pretty cock. - Don't say that, okay?

Focus.

God damn it. I'm... Man, I'm losing my mojo, and

Guys, the meeting with Dr. Maxwell went dope, okay?

In your professional medical opinion, are some penises, say,

I got to go. Oh, Josh Cribbs!

Uh, I kind of want to get up and see Colin.

Oh, man, you should come sometime... you'd be my guest.

Uh... (sighs) He's such a courageous little guy, and you've been so amazing with him.

All right, cool. Yeah, the kid can come.

Cheers to our future.

I haven't seen him in so long.

Guys! Welcome... Nah.

Oh, uh, when are the German shepherds and the firehoses coming?

Just take the sign, Andre.

Oh, yeah, this is, um... This is Colin.

How you doing?

So, Colin, let's make this wish come true.

- Right? - Yes. - Cool. - So, hold on, hold on.

The married guys atone for Vegas with an adult weekend for Kevin and Jenny and 'Terrific Lady Day' for Ruxin and Sofia. Raffi continues to plague the league with his abrasive personality and creepy mannerisms.

My neighbor's cat's still making that noise.

Okay.

It's gonna be awesome.

Raffi in the house!

No, no, no, real football, like in England.

I'm in your head, bro.

worth of Hoobastank in it, and I'm coming back to hang with you bros.

Either way, you're right, though.

Oh, shit, you guys are crewing up?

Do you like my earrings?

I was wondering where you were hiding.

What are you gonna go upstairs for?

It's not a video game.

He loves funny videos.

Super strong, so I only have to drink a little.

Crap and a mint?

Mm-hmm. Who else is going to hold your hand when you're

He's awful.

He embraces the El Cunado nickname.

Green, like the color of money... and the color of your eyes.

Hi. Um, would you excuse us for just a second, please?

Hold on a second.

Such a better choice.

Oops.

and you're gonna look like a golden boy.

I am not a 16-year-old girl who thinks she's fat and lives in Florida.

What the hell's this?

Yeah, it's unlike me, but you know who it isn't like?

Yeah.

Can it be a disciplinary problem?

Yeah.

We're going to have to try phase two.

I have to go downstairs and listen to O'Connor's speech.

No, it's all starting to hit me now.

Do this, baby.

♪ Just going ball-deep On the league. ♪

Yes, Turner's syndrome, XXY.

Well done!

Mmm-mmm.

beanbag and then let fat people sit on them.

Come on, baby, bring those tears over here.

No, no, no, oh, I don't like that at all.

Andre plans an extravagant trip to Vegas for the league's 2010 fantasy draft, but the group credits Pete to mess with Andre. The gang must choose between Jenny and Ruxin's creepy brother-in-law, Raffi, when a spot on the league opens up during the trip.

beads... that's so nice.

Very simple: security line, right over here.

Goddamn slip-ons!

Whoo! Suck it.

Dudes, check it out, all right?

that should be, like, buried in a graveyard of overused

Well, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

I'm making molds of his calves in two sizes.

"I want a face lift," I'm, like, "Child, please!"

Not... not even true.

You didn't!

- It's the Shiva. - It's the Dre.

I'm a winner, I'm a champion.

Can you back off with this thing?

You guys... Yeah.

Philip Rivers... round one.

I really just need the info.

I just need 15 minutes, three rounds, but I need three sleepers.

Ricky Williams in the ninth?

Gentlemen, welcome to the Helm's Deep of the 2010 Fantasy Draft.

An eight-team league is already weak as it is.

I'm so excited to belong to something.

I was talking to Vince's wife on the phone.

Yeah, me sitting here next to you wait... humiliating.

Are you kidding me?!

I want to know: who didn't vote for me?

What I want to do is inflict as much pain on each and every

- You know my friend Mike? - Mike?

I hate this game!

- Oh, look at this board. - It's good.

Whoa. Hi.

All right, enough with the roster-batory fantasies, okay?

You're good.

He's one of these sick, disgusting individuals who

I planned this whole weekend.

And this year, you're all gonna get And-raped! Whoo!

Oh, shit, this is my jam!

♪ Tell me where I be I'm inside me! Aah!

I'm inside me...

- Yeah, who else would Old Hickory be? - Really nice.