Orange Is the New Black

Red's scheme to reclaim her kitchen backfires; the inmates stage a Christmas pageant; Piper's plans unravel even as she realizes her life is in jeopardy.

Over the hills and everywhere

because last year I was up on this stage as the ox,

Without my produce order, I have to re-plan the whole holiday menu.

I was determined to find out if drugs were in fact coming into the prison.

But they were going to the kitchen.

Girl ways. Boy ways. Drug ways.

Not a shocker, but I had gotten my hopes up.

What do you think you're gonna do about that?

I went back to my book to find some answers.

All right. All right. Hey, you gonna finish those eggs...

Oh. This is about Larry's radio thing.

Oh, good Christ.

In my family, it's Cousin Frankie. Fuckin' perv.

"And, baby, I hope that spell is never undone.

Fucking Mendez. This is not how it was supposed to go.

Say it right here.

They so bad their cows had to die.

It'll take us weeks to put everything back into working order.

Don't let Red take you down with her.

What is something that she really needs?

And you had sex with him.

Well, yeah, that's with drugs.

I guess it was a new color she was trying on.

Hmm.

Hip, hip, ha, ha, pop, pop, turn and shimmy.

Appliance seems to be in good shape.

Me, too.

I don't think we share the same values. Why was I in such a hurry?

Get some fucking therapy, man.

Okay. Okay, night... Yeah.

- How sweet - Sweet

Painful truths reorient several relationships and careers; Pennsatucky feels disrespected by Piper, which is not good; Larry delivers an ultimatum.

Because the answer is, you're not a nice person.

I'm over it. Really.

And they say there's no such thing as miracles.

'Cause there ain't no judge, there ain't no justice.

Look, my cousin, Sierra, she had a baby down at County last summer,

I hadn't seen or heard from you in eight years.

No, it's dandelions.

is your need to say that a person is exactly anything.

right off my feet.

Oh, God! Oh, God! I, I love you. Oh, God!

Did she scream? Was she crying?

it ain't gonna come down on you.

About what?

Remember how you yourself have been forgiven.

No. You are straight as they come.

Also, it helps if you don't use their names.

Hank-Thoreau-at-Walden-Pond fantasy shit

Sometimes you wanna feel something.

No, a deer can jump an eight-foot barb wire fence

from the farm next door who was running away from home

Hey! To honor my African roots, you feel me?

You made the Almighty God into a joke,

Got somewhere to be?

Butter him up, he'll probably give you a raise right on the spot.

I'm being serious. Are you gonna get a job?

Me too.

They gonna be up your ass like the KGB.

It ain't like that, P. Minimum wage is some kinda joke.

Oh, man! I didn't think it was like that. Shit. I'm sorry.

I'm confused here.

I don't believe a billion Indians are going to hell,

calling from The City Post, online edition.

The prisoners mourn one of their own and even a drunken Pornstache reveals surprising emotions; Larry gives a revealing radio interview.

Peg-leg Pete here gets to keep his job and no one knows shit. Get it?

That's gross.

What does that have to do with anything? Hmm? Doc?

I'm not a freaking animal, get me out!

Yeah. It's so hard to believe.

No problem. Gina's a sensitive little squirrel when she's on the rag.

Hey, what's your sign?

Yo, your appeal.

That's not what I'm doing.

♪ Swirl, swirl

You know what, I did see this coming. Years ago.

You just gotta get him to fuck you.

Always thought Tricia seemed nice.

Yeah. Yeah. We're very lucky. I see her a lot.

This is my fault. This is my fault.

Got to pour one out for our girl, huh?

I'm not uptight!

These fucking bitches look at me like I'm

That was before I talked to Suzanne about what psych was like.

My first instinct was to call her to talk about it.

My mother just died. I can't fucking believe you.

I mean, I'm trying to be cool.

Me, too.

You are out of bounds. Get back behind the line immediately, inmate.

Ow. How do you sleep on this thing?

What is that? Is that like "I love you" for pussies?

For a month or two, the long, meandering

Well, I think my favorite is one of the first.

She was actually gonna start training again while she was in there,

in a way that I'll never be able to.

Wait, wait, so, so, you're the victim in all of this?

Pennsatucky discovers a new skill; the inmates try to scare delinquent teenagers straight; Pornstache's side business suffers a tragic setback.

It's weird how normal this feels.

You. Gimme your shoes. What?

I thought you said this was an acting opportunity.

I have one rule. No drugs. You lied to my face.

Dinner, dessert.

You've never let me touch your head,

About our relationship? What is he gonna say?

I know. I know. I will. I just...

It's so traditional. And I'm not a traditional person.

he's always warm and only sometimes annoyed.

You probably get some pension money

What about all the ones before that? You was on store credit, girl.

he will be that beer. Can I get an Amen?

...because that is the majesty of our Lord. That is the power of our Lord.

She's awfully talented.

And then he was like, "It's for protection."

Look, this is silly. You should really take a shower.

An olive.

I can't cheat on him. You know I can't cheat on him.

You know, if things get real bad.

That means no talking, no chewing gum, no acting disrespectful,

As I lay my hand on this child's head, right here, right now,

You tell her that we're gonna be square

You don't have to go to work. Just stay out of sight.

Just go before I call the cops.

Here we go. You ready to see some Shakespeare shit?

Get your hands off my fuckin' pussy.

Where's Tricia? I requested her. I don't know.

Yo, keep laughing, little kid.

Whatever! Fuck you.

I could tell you that I'm gonna make you my house mouse,

without somebody to love.

Lord, I call on you right now to make this child walk again!

So she killed herself a different way.

Thanksgiving arrives with the promise of a visit by Larry, but Piper's raunchy dance moves land her in solitary with a holiday feast of moldy bologna.

Yeah. It's not even sex, you know? I just...

Well, that's what you want, right?

Damn! I can't keep all this fan mail straight.

Yeah, maybe I'll fucking turn it on this time.

What are you doing? It's freezing out.

They're gonna wish that they were you. You are cool.

It's my second attempt. I spelled it wrong the first time.

Yeah, she's kind of right.

That thing that happens to animals in captivity where it changes they brains?

who gave me some free advice on how to talk to the bank.

Here to see Chapman? Yep.

That shit was amazing. Nobody's ever licked my pussy like that.

You mean, your operation?

Next time you fuck with my stash, I'll end your life.

Hello, you have reached

We'll cancel. We'll cover the mirrors, sit shivah.

You needed a little time-out to think about your behavior.

You put me in this hellhole for no reason.

Where's my mattress?

Um, is there a bathroom?

I had this white fringe pleather jacket

Emiliano, even you could still be something.

and I'ma order a Sex on the Beach

I love your show. I mean, I love... I love you.

Little Nicky at 19? Mmm! I would've turned you out in two seconds.

A lot of women lust after their pastors, it's very common.

I mean, it hasn't been easy, but, you know, relationships are not easy.

we'd probably talk to actual inmates.

Why is there no gravy?

And I am telling you I don't have the write-ups or the paperwork to support it.

Hmm, Burset.

Red gets pressured to smuggle drugs through her kitchen; Larry publishes an article about Piper in the "New York Times;" two babies come into the world.

you do not want to see how I would deal with it.

in a Bensonhurst warehouse. Eighty.

was stand there and open his box.

Dude right here's in the paper.

on the surge in home wineries in Brooklyn.

I want to make an educated guess.

This is a really big thing.

That maricon wouldn't know labor

I'm assuming you're both fluent in Hindi.

A bunch of people I never met looked at my case file.

Come on!

Drugs have a way of making you do shit you don't wanna do.

No! The guard S. O'Neill?

They won't even find out I was using.

Nicky! Nicky, no! No!

You two should tour high schools for abstinence,

I don't know. I need a little more light back here.

Oh...

And if they turn up, the warden's gonna want somebody's head.

Just checking.

Don't you fucking leave me.

or broccoli lightin' shit up with a flame-thrower.

Maybe, just maybe, we will get friendly again. Maybe.

Might, uh, pop open then, right, huh?

The old Moscow mule.

For you.

the blonde one was screaming and the hot one was stuck inside.

I've got friends of my own, you know.

Of course.

there's actually too much.

Larry?

Oh.

Of course he rolled his fucking eyes!

I couldn't get the dryer open.

About Red and the way that she runs her business.

You know, Angie, our last cook, she's no longer with us.

I'm not somebody's girlfriend.

Piper wants the prison's outdoor running track reopened, but in order to get it, she'll have to give her corrections officer something he wants.

Yeah, well, my primal self cannot resist a dare, apparently.

Only one way to find out.

Thank you.

Fed's not gonna subsidize erotica.

or even teachers.

You were there.

You got it under control?

Jesus fucking shit.

No, no, no. I'm just saying that everyone thinks the poem means

Hey, you know what, guys? Look at that face.

It's not stripping. It's for nice ladies, housewives. For exercise.

You look very pretty in that dress.

while Piper sits in prison.

I'm going to tell her tomorrow, you know. Now that it's for sure.

Did you see the Fillmore coach's face?

I was like you once. Pissed off,

You fucked a kid?

It's one of those things where someone draws on a whiteboard?

Caputo thinks a CO's been putting inside photos on the Internet,

Bennett got laid!

Tell 'em you met Jesus, you go and seen the error of your ways.

Yeah.

You sellin' us out? For what?

This makes me very happy.

My commissary maxes out at $300

Oh, man!

Right. Okay, so you got Regina King in Miss Congeniality.

Good to know someone around here is on his game.

Nope.

Or I will fuck you.

We ain't finished school, we got what we got until the next bust.

I got booted, that's what.

Because she's in fucking prison.

going around, 23 hours or whatever,

The inmates campaign along racial lines for positions on a prisoners council, but Piper tries to stay above the increasingly raucous competition.

Between the Baptists and the addicts,

because I am no different from anybody else in here.

Look, don't say ungrateful crap like that around here.

I had pneumonia.

Seems to be working out really well for you so far.

Why? She never acted like no mom.

It's Hostess, you dumbass. Man, you a fuckin' Swiss roll.

You ladies need to start acting like ladies.

It's just a real pretty combination.

See, everyone elects a representative from their own tribe.

Listen, honey, I know all you care about is what you get to watch on the TV,

I like pizza. Everyone likes pizza.

Only in the most respectful way you could possibly imagine. I just...

This prize sure beats the heck out of a decoder ring.

I don't want your mom, Daya. I want you.

Have a seat, Chapman.

Ain't we learned our lesson about hanging crosses, Tucky?

Come on. Come on! Come on. That's gross.

You wanna play doctor instead?

Do you like her or her things?

I'd let it bubble, even though you waste it when you do that.

Plus I need a distraction 'cause I'm in the stirrups.

And I love you.

Hi, ladies... I take care of business. I know what's up, all right?

Well, this is a surprise.

♪ Ain't like I'm a fucking retard! ♪

Wow! He liked it?

I should respect that. Take some time.

She's been sending him pictures of her tutu.

I made Claudette's famous coconut cake

When her sighting of a legendary feral chicken polarizes the inmates, Larry wonders if Piper is getting too absorbed in the "fishbowl" of prison life.

You know what? Fine.

I don't need them to pay for the car.

You gonna let me play dominos?

There was a Barbie in it.

You're sure it was a chicken? Not a pigeon?

No, it was her. I saw it in a dream.

Sister Ingalls. How was your service?

That's what the chaplain told you this morning.

What? Jesus, they don't give you any time.

Besides, she is the last person around here that I'd sleep with.

And all these other shit-birds.

What about it? It's like Red's version of the white whale.

I'm not stupid. I'm just going to watch the stupid.

But, hey, you better make me something, too, if you're in here.

All right, extend that rear leg.

And I'm just not ready to give it up, you know?

Attention all personnel, be advised, count.

once again, go into a forward bend,

Actually, I think it's more accurate to say that I was abandoned.

She should serve her time and leave without any trouble.

My advice, keep her focused on her life outside, her business, her friends.

Don't be racist.

and it's waiting for you. To eat it.

Probably just wanted to impress people, be a big shot.

They're not like you and me.

I don't mess with no heroin, but I love me some candy.

Inside. You already have the Playboy body.

I'll be a famous journalist, and we'll start our life.

I bet she told everybody that I lied about the chicken!

I know it's surprising, but this is...

What are you, stupid?

You said five minutes.

Hey! Hey! Make your call or free up the phone now.

Piper gets to know her stern new roommate; the prisoners prepare a farewell party for one of their own; a misplaced screwdriver has dire consequences.

Now get in the back and change your clothes.

It's an art piece representing the futility of blue-collar labor

That's your day, that's your job.

Voila! The monkey can dance.

"Whatever?" That's my shirt. I gave you that shirt.

fuck with Boo this close to her date.

Mmm. I'm not complaining.

Lunch is over, ladies. Back in.

I know how these things go.

and come into the kitchen for some food when you've settled in.

Okay.

No. I'm not threatening you, I'm informing you of the facts.

Anyone else have a problem with a male officer?

Your books. I don't like clutter.

If you ever want to go home, get that screwdriver back on that wall.

The education program has been suspended.

I'm sure they'll find the culprit.

I just said that I would look over it with her.

Oh, my bunkie is hosting Bible study,

Look, I've been in here almost three years.

You come in here and you tell me you've come up empty?

It's happened before and it wouldn't surprise me

I need to thoroughly search your cubicle for contraband.

You go in, get undressed, and bathe now.

"So you wind up in prison and everybody's up in your face

but "uninvited" means "not invited."

I wouldn't sweat it.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I'd like a pair of pliers and a wire-cutter, please.

Targeted for romance by a fellow prisoner, Piper finds that subtlety is an ineffective approach to letting her suitor down.

Wait, you got assigned?

Is that duct tape?

Do you want some?

I was in Afghanistan.

Ladies in the house programs, we will begin in one hour.

If I find a mess on this floor, my floor, you're gonna hear about it.

Look at you getting your sweat on.

I'm gonna call you Dandelion.

so I don't have any testosterone left

Word is she killed someone. That's why she doin' so much time.

Swing shift guard detail. P m. cell check commences at 2 1 30 hours.

Yeah, she is bothering me.

That's bullshit. That could mean anything.

Come here.

Please keep it.

I told Piper, it's much harder to conceive when you're in your late 30s.

She doesn't know how to make a Word document.

I already made my baby.

I like the Lebrons.

Nice kicks.

Lesbian request denied.

She's volatile, that one. She was removed from the puppy program.

Been a little distracted. Maybe you heard, my fiancée's in prison.

it is way, way better.

they met their quality parenting quota.

Here.

You know, maybe I was unclear,

They took me off my hormones.

I'm working two jobs, I'm trying to raise our son.

At least he'd be at his baseball games, even if it was in a dress.

-What? -You didn't have to take me down with you.

You were just this boring little girl from Connecticut,

I am nobody's cleaning lady and I make honor cube every week,

After insulting the food in front of the prison chef, Piper is starved out by the kitchen staff and struggles to offer up an acceptable apology.

to maintain facilities that are secure, humane, and cost effective.

Come sit with us. Not with Crazy Eyes.

And don't be in such a rush to get out of that orange, sabes?

But I can't do shit with "I'm sorry."

Yes! Yes. It flushes out toxins.

Turn around.

When in the visitation room, you're allowed two hugs,

Visitors, please make your way to the exit.

you're getting starved.

Dried blueberries.

Or if they suddenly saw an ex-girlfriend in prison.

She's trying to get her hands on hot peppers.

Epic. Even better than yesterday. Lord of the Rings.

What are you doing?

Poor little baby.

That new shit.

What the fuck were you thinking? After all Ganya's done for us.

They want $60,000.

Line it up. Stop the chatter.

Freon leak, huh?

She said it burned, it made her smell like a Puerto Rican,

Sentenced to fifteen months for a crime committed in her youth, Piper Chapman leaves her supportive fiance Larry for her new home: a women's prison.

You're not serving time in Cuba.

No visiting today.

I bet they're all appalled that you've gone somewhere so filthy and dangerous.

He's, he's gonna be right back. We've been waiting here for two hours.

Okay? Please send that check immediately.

Strip.

Yes.

You don't have to do anything.

Oh, that's not so bad. I got 34, but I'm hoping with good time it'll be less.

Okay, now lick it, softly and tenderly,

You think your man is still gonna be around when you're out?

Yeah. Yep.

It's gonna rub off when I sweat.

T en years ago.

And then it got scary,

All right, we gotta hustle, 'cause the count's soon.

DeMarco, this is Chapman. She's new. Self-surrender. You show her what's what?

And that's Nichols. Just got out of SHU a week ago.

Honey! We'll make the bed. We know how.

You see, fucking white girl speaks Spanish.

What, you studied for prison?

My bag.

The Tibetan monks make them out of dyed sand

It comes in big cans marked "Desert Storm."

You gotta love a yoga body.

You got what I asked you for?

They told me I should talk to you. I don't have a PAC number.

Howard and I brought Chinese. Larry is so upset.

You can come on Friday. Please come on Friday.

-Such pretty hair. -Thank you.