Orange Is the New Black

Miracles and conversions occur, but Piper and Caputo know that some situations can't be dealt with through spiritual means.

Fine.

Chunks! That's nasty!

I'm with a guy named Daniel.

Look, people love a sign, you know?

She got man troubles.

I was thinking how hard gravity had been on me

- Money is not my god.

You make her sound like she's drugs.

or any budget surplus we find

It's kind of bullshit.

Yes.

One of the OG ladies.

Sin. Guilt.

They already told me last month it's a girl.

--For serious!

-Yes. -Yes.

- Amen. - Say "amen"!

Your prison mistress gave you a prison tat.

I think I need to start taking vitamins, or...

Natalie, wait. Wait a second.

You're gonna be fine.

You could have asked me instead of burgling me.

I have a poem to read.

I would have you both light the unity candle,

so kids reach breeding age without killing themselves.

Oh, gross! Get the fuck off of me!

And any one of you ungrateful, selfish sons of bitches

All right, all tools are present and accounted for.

Hey, where's Norma Christ going?

Wow.

Daya goes into labor. Sophia suffers a hate crime. Stella helps Piper with a business snag. Taystee takes on a new role.

_

What did they think she was gonna do?

Busted or broken-up-with?

Was just... I guess I was just trying to be considerate or whatever.

but... first steps.

Nah, that shit's too messy.

You have any idea how ignorant you sound?

What else was I doing, right?

- I wanna go home. - I know.

Everything went fine, okay? I just...

I've got D to G and P through R.

The problem is she's a chipmunk in boots

Jesus, Burset.

Then what?

sounds like you've got a dilemma.

Listen up, all right?

Hmm, I think that might go against the whole authentic prison vibe.

I'll make you look real pretty for the baby.

And Jordache says that I can sleep over at her house whenever I want!

- Come on. - Hey, wait...

I'm sorry, Sophia.

Also, as a former protest junkie...

I mean, what do you think happens then? Think about the long term.

We'll meet tomorrow, talk to the board... go over our options.

Look, I'm obviously one of the leaders.

Okay, show me.

I'm... I'm so sorry, too.

- Do you wanna see her? - Yeah.

but this is not Dick Cheney's fault.

Eat up, Chang.

It's Chapter Nine of the Time Hump saga.

It's not the being told to fuck myself I mind so much...

He'll just slide another girl on his dick, make her help out.

but the foreign-object-ass-rape of an unconscious man?

You're getting... You're... Oh!

Caputo and Piper confront labor issues. A miracle occurs in Norma's group. Crazy Eyes's erotica winds up in the hands of the staff.

That's the boss, dummy.

These are work hours.

Look at that kid.

Here you go. It's for all of us.

Is she maxing out?

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Oh, you expect me to believe that?

Okay? It's called hormones and stuff.

I am totally spinning out.

I forgive you.

2-3-7-9.

I've outdone myself. Really.

Um, here's a pencil and a can of mackerel.

Well, not really.

I'm sorry about all that shit with Leanne. I always liked you anyway.

This is MCC's fancy new system. We gotta call their IT guy.

They're all running the track in pink bikinis.

- Where am I gonna get a cell phone? - Oh, the place is crawling with them.

for the Director of Human Activity here at Litchfield.

Does he know?

so we could have some fun and make a few bucks.

Yeah, but at least I know that she's with her family.

No, thanks.

You seen that 13-year-old Chinese kid win the high dive?

I dislocated my shoulder, and that ended that.

Good. Congratulations.

And all those fans with their ideas...

And it's not for everyone.

Yeah, well...

We named him Benny. But then he suffocated and he died.

Maybe it's time you stopped worrying about everybody else

He's her real father.

I took a job in a prison, for fuck's sake.

- What's all that for? - Well, I, uh...

I wanted to stop.

They're excited about a dollar-an-hour job.

So, who's gonna rep us? We need to elect a leader.

They're hurting us. They're hurting our families.

Pennsatucky, Piper, Crazy Eyes and Lorna get closer with their new admirers. Tensions between Sophia and Gloria, and Alex and Lolly escalate.

This is awful. Could you just stop for a second?

Anyway, uh, I like talking to you and hanging out with you and stuff.

Well, I'd like that to be a little more group-positive,

Stop screaming.

Put this loon in Psych before she hurts someone.

we are about to hear a verdict in this high-profile case.

Yo, who the fuck is Crocodile Dundee over here?

And you're hot when you're closing.

I see you!

because I know you've been getting a lot of queries.

I'm gonna be in the broom closet tonight...

It probably would have come out all wrong anyway.

She has six toes on her right foot.

Everyone needs to find her purpose.

and then I find him hiding in his closet with his phone, texting some girl.

she's having a nice visit with her son while I'm over here doing what?

It's not because of all the donuts.

I told you I only accept Visa, MasterCard or Mountain Dew.

You okay?

You wanna hang out sometime? See a movie or something?

She says we're not in a union anymore, not since MCC took over.

You got blonde hair and blue eyes.

I write her every day, tell her how much I love her.

and try to have an appropriate response,

I'm gonna be a father.

But you seemed so experienced.

Well...

Yes, yeah.

Now, you know, I'm gonna deny saying that to my friends.

No, no, oh, I couldn't. I mean, you're so sweet.

Hey, I still have a vagine, don't I?

Norma is my Jesus!

Maybe I am better than you.

I just haven't been able to shake the idea.

- Oh, snap. - Yo, did we miss it?

Well, my dad moved here for a job in Philadelphia.

A person shouldn't do something out of obligation.

This ain't your bathroom.

- Gloria, are you okay? - Oh, my God, I'm sorry.

you sick son of a bitch, huh?

Too many inmates seem to be getting religion, so a rabbi comes to visit. Leanne tries to organize Norma's followers.

but actually, you're...

Hey, Club Waco, beat it.

we address the roar of pain and loneliness and tame it.

I think it's, "No shit, Sherlock."

Like, the flames are the teeth.

who cried when he found out there was no Easter Bunny.

Oh, yeah? So what?

Well, is it cheating if they all live together?

it's the armor you put on every day.

is that there aren't any rules...

And for a gang who likes quiet time, y'all are hella noisy.

I mean, who doesn't like zippers, right?

We chosen now. We ain't got to eat that shit.

If Edwina is really a robo-doll in the end...

I knew it.

Not so bad? This place is the best!

we lived under the Cyclone on Coney Island, right?

and I would be like, "Papa... do you feel me?"

I asked this whole goddamn prison.

or the early Christians, wherever they wandered.

Your friends, the Rumspringa drug cartel.

Otherwise, you're not really living, you know?

I was thinking, and I... I think you'd actually be

Okay.

You knew you were better than them because you belonged.

- Hey. - Hey.

People of the cafeteria, in case you haven't heard,

I'm wondering, is that, you know, poetry...

World Wide Web, man. It's some fast shit.

- Huh. - Like murder panties.

Baby, don't play tough... and watch your mouth.

Good Doggett.

and the most important thing is the unity of the group.

Piper gets creative in order to grow her business. Crazy Eyes’s sci-fi sex story for drama class is a hit. Alex doesn’t trust new inmate Lolly.

Count your blessings.

I mean, obviously, it's all right, because I'm...

Need a ride?

- He told you that? - Yeah... he told me that.

You see me everywhere. But as we've already established...

Give her a chance to show us how scrappy she is.

Mamazing dancer.

Rodcocker is the reason people reading this shit.

Looks like I got another one!

Yes, I did.

with less implied statutory rape.

and have love to spare.

- Hey, what's wrong with you? - My back hurts.

If I really love her, money shouldn't matter.

I don't remember why.

In, uh... In Utica. It's just a general reporting thing.

No, I'm actually a really good driver.

Uh...

Oh, I smile at everybody.

And I... I knew it was right there,

But Kubra will understand. There were extenuating circumstances.

_

Why don't you do a big picture of a donut eating himself

The, uh, meal plan has been implemented.

Our man on the ground.

It's all right. It's a process.

That was... always part of the plan.

I'm happy to pay you a little stipend

I just wanted what was best for the baby,

You know, Benny's at our house for dinner tonight.

Now, you should know, the story took an unexpected turn

You can't just jump from job to job as you please!

You wrote her a recommendation to get on antidepressants?

the last thing I want is to step on your toes.

I need a reason not to drink.

Then... you gotta get it.

until your shift is complete, all right?

♪ But you're a ceiling, not the sky ♪

Though if it comes to that, I'm passing the baton to you.

- Okay? - You're right.

Norma’s healing powers draw more believers. Piper creates a new business venture. Caputo breaks in the new hires.

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

- I had my first Amaretto sour. - Good for you.

Yeah, they should put that shit on the tag, "Made in Federal."

and find the same-minded toaster-loving peeps

You're like a Somali pirate trying to get their ladder hooked.

you're all here because you're interested in transformation.

What is the story that you are telling?

but I think we can use our imaginations.

Stupid! I'm stupid.

Violence is all good and fine, but sex? Lord, no!

That's a eye shush. And a eye shush just as bad as a regular shush!

They are lonely. They just need somebody to listen to them.

but... technically... I didn't,

And as I pivot,

Mira, I told you that you needed to

The poor woman doesn't speak, so she can't tell you to fuck off, but I can.

Our father is our God.

Obviously, if they're playing basketball, gonna be some hands and shoulders.

Only a few to start. We don't know if we have any customers.

- Bet he doesn't even shave yet. - That guy?

She's got a sentence that goes on a whole paragraph

Sir, with all due respect, I'm not a nanny.

What fraction of the students in Debra's class

Well, cut it out. I'm serious.

And suddenly, everyone and their mother's got a job. Even Bloomer.

- Really? - Yeah.

- and all it really does is buy stuff. - Yeah, but what's wrong with stuff?

Like Fiddler on the Roof or some shit like that.

Who does Edwina choose? Gilly or Space Admiral Rodcocker?

- Watch the plant. - Right.

Yeah.

I'm meant to be in charge, Norma.

Come on, Norma, let's get back to the real thing.

Shit!

'cause you got a record?

He's 15. So what? He says "fuck."

I didn't ask for this shit. You know that my ankles are swollen.

Why are you still here, Norma?

Silent nothing!

Regime change isn't going over well with the staff, but Red makes it work for her. Lorna finds a way to meet men. Chang shows her private side.

- Except there is a... girl. - A what?

(Farting noise) And what am I supposed to do

- Why aren't you dancing? - There's no music.

I'll go first and then it's you, Manny, OK?

Oh! What is this... I'm drinking? It's disgu...

I didn't wanna leave that party, it was great.

You don't know what love is.

That is the saddest story I've ever heard. Poor Bernard.

This girl, she says that she once got engaged

- Not even in ten or even 20 years. - No, no way.

I... I still don't believe you.

Mr Singh at the newsagent's. Oh, and your parents, I told them.

"Sense of humour irrelevant."

You were drinking out of this.

- Tea's nice. - Tea! Coming up.

Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew

Rumors fly among the inmates about a new, higher-paying job assignment, especially when they have to take a test for it

Oh, God, look at him!

I don't care. I mean, how awful!

Yeah? Well, you don't intimidate me, Miss... Purcell Harding LaTouche

The northern ones are pretty swampy.

Bernard, I wonder if you might have a word with Fran.

Thinks Britain still owns the world, obviously.

- Would you like some tea? - Wonderful.

- Anything else? - I'm a trained field doctor.

Come on, you're a pest guy. You kill things.

I think that Jason might want you

"So, without further ado, please welcome Jason...

Here. He's a cat. He doesn't have any sense.

(Sighs) Look what you've done. Didn't even get to phone him a taxi.

"Sorry, Fran, you didn't have enough experience.

Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew

Big Boo comes up with a scheme to make money. Daya, Taystee and Crazy Eyes confront reality. Caputo tries to make a good impression on some visitors.

Now she's gonna knee you in the rattlers.

Didn't watch it. Don't watch much TV. What about you?

Now, this is the desk and this is the chair.

(TV) 'And it's Au Naturel, the winner by six lengths.

Whenever you see me - I can't stress this enough -

- What's the next race? - There's none. We're closing.

- Who's doing nothing? - Me.

40/80 the ante, fives and twos are wilds. No raising before the button.

That's no big thing.

Would... would a shop do?

At least you didn't punch anyone and puke up in your handbag.

- Unlucky, Mouse. - You out, then?

So don't... For now we'll just think. We'll think...

Ah, come on. I saw The Tower, the goddamn queen.

OK, OK. I swear! Can you come on? I've got about 20 minutes

Nicky's stash situation gets complicated. Alex and Crazy Eyes try a new drama class. Red assists Healy with a personal matter.

Really? Well, I want that in writing.

- Easy. - Easy! Easy! Well...

The shop's, erm, still called Black Books, I see.

seemed to go quite well.

OK. But there won't be any kissing.

What about the pinot ninor ninor?

- (Fork clatters) - Whoops, butter fingers!

I'm going to stay here forever and live on broken bread sticks.

Oh. Ha-ha.

Oh. But I'm so proud of you, Manny. You want your children to do better than you.

and he had the nerve to try and sell us the books back!

If I hear any nonagenarian hanky-panky, I'm calling the police.

Absolutely packed with fun-stuffed memories.

I am about to stop playing "who shall I kill first?"

- And? - Erm...

The thing is, I haven't been completely straight with you.

Your mother was busy raising you when she gave up her job.

Tempers flare when bed bugs invade. Alex cracks. Red lashes out at Piper. Aleida interferes with Daya and Bennett. Caputo gets bad news.

And another 50 says you have an appalling, excruciating night.

- Just this. - Oh, my God. Life Cry.

All right, then. Get that...

Oh, I could! One minute I'd be laying siege to a castle with a bit of an old bone

All right, let's just, you know, get some ideas bouncing around.

Oh-ho! Brilliant! Fabulous!

It's... Bernard, it's brilliant. It is. It's so good. I mean, I'm excited -

That's it.

- Have you still got my dress? - No. I made it into toilet curtains.

- And you had sex with them all. - (Laughing)

But I'm not doing anything.

It was a big animal, like a hippo or a whale.

Oh, there you go, it was awful.

Subtitles - Ripped (and Hacked) by RavyDavy - Part of the [RL] Crew

Caputo's kinder, gentler new regime includes organizing a Mother's Day fair for the inmates that brings up a LOT of mixed feelings about family.

and then do it again if I'm not feeling any better...

not on this miserable bed where she lay dying of cancer.

which the powers-that-be have yet to fill.

Jefferson, why don't you go help set up?

Mmm-hmm. She touched it. She blessed it.

Put on some tunes, breathe deep, go out easy.

that's short for Francesca, and the twins.

- I'll work on her real fast. - Come...

Mmm-mmm.

I think you're right.

Yeah, inmate. Let's just keep it orthodox.

Vee is fine.

"You know, a larva. Did I really 'pup-ate' at age two?"

Oh, no? Something to hide?

So far, the best plan we've come up with

Compared to what I was looking at when I got here, that's so little time.

We never replaced Callahan.

Alex...

Place is goin' to hell.

- Okay, here are your badges. - Have a nice day.

The answer is no, Warren.

Simon says deep breath in.

Yo, hey, hey! Get out... Get out of here!

Okay.

Um...

We were just talking.

like decent men have been doing since time immemorial.

Well, I know better.

Give it to my sister!

So, aside from the fact that he don't know how to shave,

Now, this is nice. Mmm.

Platters, baskets...

Son, you gotta let go of that shit.

the three most important ingredients when one is making a felon.

Yeah.