Aired 13 years ago - Sep 08, 2011
Louie takes some bad advice from Steven Wright and winds up getting in a car with an attractive but somewhat creepy woman who takes him to New Jersey for a devil's three-way with her husband, which leads to Louie wandering the Jersey 'burbs at night and relying on his pal Chris Rock to rescue him;
Louie takes a trip to the airport with Pamela.
I haven't done that
since I was, like, 20.
You can have anyone you want,
Just, please, a brown liquid
- because I only have the ones
from when you were younger. - Sure.
Thank you.
Where are we going?
Listen, I-- I don't
know you
Hello.
Yes.
Can you call me a cab,
but you want me to come
and get you?
I told you to stop being friends
with him when he got divorced.
I'm not taking you home.
Gotta grow up, man.
Thank you and I'm sorry.
What are you doing, man?
Settle down?
for better or worse--
It's not your conversation.
It's stupid,
embarrassing or horrible.
Well, it's good to get
here early, because--
A month ago, Serge never even
mentioned he had a dad,
But, so--
how long are you--
Yes, I'm going to Paris.
I'm going there.
Well...
I'm not attracted to you.
Okay, maybe you're not
attracted to me.
I love you... I do,
If I wanna do it,
I'll wait, I'm gonna wait.
who you have an
unhealthy obsession with.
Thank you.
Wave to me!
Wait--
wait for you?
Aired 13 years ago - Sep 01, 2011
Louie waits at Grand Central Station to pick up his sister and niece for a visit. However, his sister surprises him by dumping the niece Amy on him and running off to catch a train to Philadelphia. Louie and Amy spend the night in New York together,
visiting an indie rock club at her request, after which she asks to see Louie perform. After seeing her enamored with Godfrey's set, Louie attempts, unsuccessfully, to impress his niece by doing crowd work. After the set, Louie is surprised to see Godfrey spark up a lively conversation with the usually sullen teen. When they arrive back at the apartment, Louie receives a call from a Philadelphia hospital informing him that Amy's mother was found "acting irrationally" in a public fountain and that she is being held under observation. With Amy's father out of the picture, Louie volunteers to keep Amy until his sister is released.
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You're like an orange that's
rotting on a tree
you have never done
anything for anybody, ever.
and now I gotta babysit
a ( bleep ) college kid.
"it was totally amazing
Hey, Carlene.
Thank you for doing this.
I mean, how could I ask you to do this for me?
Well, you're not asking,
Don't... Look, I need you to.. To...
Dude, what did I--
I guess you could stay
in, uh...
I don't wanna breach a thing,
but I gotta walk in the room,
I wanna go to Fontana's.
Hey, listen, do you wanna
get something to eat?
Can I see you do a show?
I'd like to see your show.
You got the Asian, that's
the leader-- holy mackerel.
Do you do crowd work?
give some love
to Louie C.K!
and he made it really funny.
It's Middle Eastern food.
They're in the wilderness of
hormones and bad ideas.
What's up, guys, what's up?
She's my niece.
Amy, I'm gonna go to
the bathroom now,
... because she invited me
and I knew it was gonna suck,
Well, my mom's crazy.
You're saying, "That bitch
needs to shut up,"
You just gotta learn how to
talk to people
What's...
You only gave him a dollar.
My dad told me that people
who do charity
Aired 13 years ago - Aug 25, 2011
Louie unwillingly takes home Jane's class ducklings for the evening. The next morning he embarks on a 5-day USO tour in the Middle East, when unbeknownst to him, Lily had hidden one of the ducklings in his suitcase to keep him safe. Louie meets
other entertainers (including country western singer Keni Thomas) as well as many various soldiers during his time overseas. The duckling ends up bringing Louie and others good luck in ridiculous and heartwarming fashion.
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You need to take home
the ducklings tonight.
All right, come on.
Yeah, they can sleep in my bed.
Daddy, can we keep
just one duckling?
Whoa.
Um, pretty much everything.
You're a cheerleader?
Yeah.
that you've never seen
or imagined.
So you see, your job here
is terribly important.
and whenever a Black Hawk lands,
Yeah, never ever go in
a hostile area unarmed.
Yeah, and then you can't--
just hanging from my--
they're just...
Women get to be
elegant during sex,
Are you, you a Gator?
'Cause you dance and...
Sure.
Unfortunately.
I'm gonna tell you a few jokes,
try to make you laugh,
was listing as a POW...
♪ And Mama fell to her knees ♪
Buffalo.
"Thank God I can get
the ( bleep ) out of
Good job, guys.
Aired 13 years ago - Aug 18, 2011
Louie and his daughters go trick-or-treating on Halloween in New York City. As darkness falls, they are confronted by a pair of costumed punks. Louie's younger daughter Jane confronts the two men and helps scare them away. In the second part of this
episode, Louie sits in on a brainstorming session for an upcoming cop movie. Louie's ideas for the script get the attention of a high-powered movie producer named Ellie. Louie is promptly invited to lunch to discuss movie ideas, but ultimately his ideas prove too dark for Hollywood.
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I'm a fairy.
Bye!
Bye, thank you! Thank you, bye-bye.
But Mommy always lets us
trick-or-treat after dark
Yes!
All right, come on.
Thanks a lot, you asshole!
gonna dress in scary costumes.
Daddy?
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on.
We came around the corner
and scared you.
Let you go?
He's... he's frozen, like...
he's frozen like a lollipop.
Halloween's for fun!
Daddy, don't!
We're gonna wait for
the police to come,
I want to thank
all of you for being here
which was sapped out by all
the notes and story fixes.
"Mike:'Ugh, not another
one of these.'
something like, "39 years of
shitty days,
Thank you for the teardown, Evan.
How does he wake up?
And then you go back to the
clock and then time goes by
Yeah, yeah, now,
maybe this is too much,
you know, big chase,
chase, chase, chase, chase.
We'll find the money.
I let the jokes come to me.
I gotta pick up my kids at school,
So first of all,
do you know who I am?
Yes, I...
who knows when someone can do things.
All right, well...
and then something
happens and it makes it worse
Like... like he has... lives in
a little one-room apartment,
and he takes, like,
a trip and it rains,
and now he's, like, stuck
in the middle of nowhere
who just walked in.
but why keep failing?
living in downtown Boston
"Hey, man, if you need me to
leave so you can jerk off,
Aired 13 years ago - Aug 11, 2011
After a set, Louie is greeted by Eddie Mack, a fellow comedian who started his career the same time as Louie but has never found much success and lives in his broken-down car. He and Eddie catch up after not seeing each other for 20 years by going
to the liquor store and then an open mic where Eddie does a very funny routine under the stage name "Shitty Fat Tits" before Eddie confesses his plans to end his own life, leaving Louie to ponder how (or if) to dissuade him.
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Louie C.K.!
Bullshit, I see you on TV.
It's good to see you, man.
y'know, places that you
wouldn't be welcome,
Oh, I get it, so you're a road head?
Yeah, yeah, and I'm really proud of it.
It's 50 bucks
an hour to exist here.
These are hot women he was
having sex with.
Got everything.
It's a sports bar
in Bangor for 200 bucks,
I would like to die
from... you.
Don't...
You're not gonna see me
again after this, believe me.
¿ Qué clase de mierda es esto?
What is that, Spanish?
Yeah, you and your friend,
pa' fuera, maricón.
Let's find a gig.
That's in Brooklyn.
And she was like,
"Things are different, okay?
"Oye, mira, papi.
Loserdom.
I'm telling you, you're really
making me feel good, like...
Do you want to go up?
Up next, we got a very special
guest, doing a guest spot.
Anyway, do you know
how much stupid stuff we do
if you're not in
the mood for it and you just--
No, just squeeze it off!
And a lot of that stuff
you're not into.
What?
What?
It's a basic life sustenance
and you're making fun of it.
You just stay holed up
in faggy Manhattan.
You just stood there
and watched them burn?
But I got no bridges left.
Go ahead. All right, look,
man, I'm cashing in.
or not having is one thing
So you're gonna quit comedy?
Listen to me.
All of a sudden...
he gives me these.
A doctor gave you those?
Yeah, it made no sense at first.
No, the guy's right.
You know...
I don't know.
I don't give a shit what that
guy said, you can't do that.
Okay, you want
a reason to live?
It's not your life, it's life.
who you never think about,
out of suicide
I don't care, she's not the mother of my kids!
Oh, come on, man, this is ridiculous!
Aired 13 years ago - Aug 11, 2011
The spokeswoman for a group called Christians Against Masturbation, Ellen Farber, and Louie have a debate about the morality of masturbation on a the FOX News program, Red Eye w/Greg Gutfeld. Louie is the only person they could find willing to
openly defend masturbation. After the show Louie goes home and masturbates while imagining a woman he had just seen on the elevator. Then, at Ellen's request, he attends a CAM meeting, and goes out for drinks with her after. She invites him up to her suite, but Louie is denied when he tries to go in for a kiss. Ellen gives a long passionate speech about how nice it would be to talk, date a long time before a kiss (but not "making out"), then finally getting to see her in her underwear on their wedding night. Then he goes to her suite bathroom to masturbate.
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This young lady--
There is a life of joy and
passion waiting for you,
Yes.
and then you can give that
to them
You asked me, Louie,
"Have you ever been married ?"
and inspire them to
walk a path of purity.
And you don't know God.
And God's happy.
we bid you a fond good night.
Listen, I'm sorry, I--
We can't do one
without the other.
"She's an angel...
We think you're angels,
Can you hold that?
Hey.
It's just that there's,
like, zero dicks in there.
Can you, just like, stick a
whole bag of dicks in there?
Oh, my God...
American women
are very complicated.
Don't be ashamed
to live without shame.
So...
Hey.
You're... a thing
and I'm, you know.
to bring out the charm.
Yes, Louie,
I am very seriously a virgin.
For you, it's gonna be
this big, grown-up thing.
She jerked me off.
When I came,
it was with such force,
and cum and farts.
I'm having fun, but I'm
kind of sick of being out.
Oh, well, I was born one.
Sorry.
it would have been a good idea.
Like what?
But if you
don't try to kiss me,
We could start to--
To really like each other.
We'd get excited just to
hear each other's voices.
Aired 13 years ago - Aug 04, 2011
The episode begins in a flashback with Louie filming the pilot for a sitcom. After complaining about the unrealistic dialogue and use of Bob Saget as the next door neighbor, Louie is shown arriving home to an unseen and presumably upset wife and
their newborn baby Lilly. The episode then jumps to Lilly's tenth birthday. Louie sets out to obtain Lady GaGa concert tickets as a birthday present for his daughter, but doing so means he has to approach Dane Cook, a very successful comedian who is upset by accusations he has stolen material from Louie.
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What do you want her
to say to you?
And she takes the kids
and then this dude
All right, let's take a break.
Hey... hey.
I wanted to.
All right,
let's put you to sleep.
Lilly, I love you.
You guys were clapping so much
who subsequently
hung herself... to death.
before you need to
end your life.
Oh, I got this dick
in my mouth.
Did you like your party?
Of course it's for you.
Those were very hard to get.
It's supposed to be amazing.
I-- I appreciate
that you like her, but I--
about your looks
and glamour and stuff.
Gonna cover
Houston, Austin, Dallas,
and Wednesday nights.
Um, did your girl like
the Sabrina Bubble tickets?
Oh...
I don't know
that he stole my jokes.
Come with us.
Um, can you guys just
give me a minute?
Uh...
I have a daughter
and, uh--
... so I was hoping
that you could, uh...
And, uh, yeah, I could
get you tickets, backstage,
and tell everybody that
I did not steal your material.
'cause I waited four years
the year 2000 and, by the way,
the number six.
2000 and six.
Dude, why would
I steal three jokes from you
and you're an inside-joke guy
and I'm a sellout
I don't think that you
saw me do those jokes
and your engines
are sucking stuff up.
And that's why I never felt
the need to help you
in this room, just, y'know,
the two of us, alone.
Maybe it was inadvertent,
but maybe it did happen.
so I don't--
I don't get it,
You know, the one thing
that, like,
Aired 13 years ago - Jul 28, 2011
Louie starts his evening with a surreal trip on the NYC subway, where he witnesses a busker playing beautiful violin music while a filthy homeless man scrubs himself down with bottled water nearby, has a black-and-white vision of himself saving the
riders from a soda-soaked seat, and then heads into the opening credits. Later, he meets his friend Pamela for lunch, and he ends up passionately telling her how he feels about her. And she doesn't respond at first, leaving him to misread a later invitation of hers, and the revelation ends with Louie standing outside her building and screaming in pain and anger.
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♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie Louaaa ♪
No, I mean...
Come on, you think I'm awesome.
I don't have to.
The one over there
with the face.
He didn't get old.
The constant flow of penises
into your asshole
I'm gonna eat this and then
go home and kill myself.
Oh, she is so pleased.
No.
But he cried like
a little bitch every time
Yeah, but it's normal to be
afraid of a ride.
and I screamed like
a little girl
Look at your face.
And you're about to end it.
Look, I know you don't
feel the same way about me.
I'm-- no, I'm saying that I--
I wanna be your friend.
to be anything else, I promise,
Every time I look at your face
or even remember it,
I don't have enough time in any
day to think about you enough.
I really don't.
And I felt you holding my hand.
And I can't be with you.
Good job.
Yeah, no.
Not even-- no, not no,
just nothing.
Great, let's continue.
All right.
You wanna take a bath?
Yeah?
Aired 13 years ago - Jul 21, 2011
Louie and his daughters take a long drive to visit Louie's great aunt Ellen out in rural Pennsylvania, where Louie mostly ignores his younger daughters' complaints of boredom and has a blast rocking out to "Who Are You?". There, they find her
actions and vocabulary weird, specifically her use of the word nigger, referring to Brazil nuts as niggertoes. Louie decides he wants his daughters to talk to Ellen without any censoring, but the point becomes moot when she collapses and dies in her kitchen. Louie then does a stand-up bit about Tom Sawyer being a good kid and Huckleberry Finn a bigoted little jerk.
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How do you know she's gonna die?
She was born in 19--
in the 1910s.
This is a great opportunity
because, y'know,
I wrote back to her and I said,
"Can we visit you ?"
♪ Who are you ? ♪
♪ Who are you ? ♪
♪ I woke up in a Soho doorway ♪
♪ I woke up in a Soho doorway ♪
♪ I remember throwin' punches around ♪
♪ I remember throwin' punches around ♪
♪ Who are you ? ♪
♪ Who are you ? ♪
♪ I really wanna know ♪
♪ I really wanna know ♪
I'm bored!
Aunt Ellen, I... do you
remember we were gonna visit?
Where-- where--
where's your wife?
Kitchen's right through there.
Okay, thank you.
I'm sorry I don't have
a lot to offer. you.
We ate on the road.
I see.
We were hoping you could,
y'know, tell the girls about
where I am.
It's nothing but niggers
I'm gonna go find you
some cookies
That's a bad word
she keeps saying.
Right?
Mm-hmm.
We have a rule that if they get
their ( bleep ) teeth brushed...
I do.
And I picked "Tom Sawyer,"
not "Huckleberry Finn"
is that he won't
stop saying "nigger."
but then,
all of a sudden, he runs into
Huckleberry Finn was carrying
a dead cat.
My kids are fascinated!
America...
And so we remember...
I think we can still enjoy
the stories
when you've done shitty
things as an entire nation?
Aired 13 years ago - Jul 14, 2011
After a disappointing experience trying to do a set at a casino lounge, Louie cancels his contract and wanders the casino floor. He ends up watching a section of Joan Rivers's set in the casino's theater, and goes backstage to meet her. She invites
him to hang out in her suite, where she proceeds to explain how he should be grateful for his opportunities. As a result, they have sexual intercourse and Louie goes and gets his job back.
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Oh, Louie, I am so sorry
I should have
looked out for you.
You know, he was just
a really nice guy.
Please, drink
a big glass of water
I don't know why it is
every time I meet somebody,
Can we close that door
to the casino?
You came here on a shitty bus
That's nice.
"disparaging gambling,
Every minute they're in your
show, we're not making money.
They got all those people.
that you won't break
any of these rules,
I don't know why
Without a brassiere, I could
nurse China from the bedroom.
"Why am I wearing
a bunny slipper ?"
If she'd have said,
"Joan, when you get older,
I am gonna show you.
Here, come on in, be in it,
be in it.
Yeah, I know, I know, I've
seen you, you're very funny.
Okay.
What's...
her room number?
Yeah, it's nice, huh?
Yeah.
So...
'cause I was saying stuff
about the casino
I mean, you want to
try my life sometimes?
You got a card
for the free food
It goes up, it goes down.
"Dane Clark" guy, that asshole?
Do you know
what I've been through?
I don't want to guess that.
Guess, come on.
I want to hear a number.
None-- Oh, don't you be sorry!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry...
Listen.
And the only
thing I've learned,
Tomorrow morning,
you just go downstairs
You gotta learn their names,
for God's sakes.
That's important.
Aired 13 years ago - Jul 07, 2011
After a comment by his daughter, Louie has misgivings about continuing to stay in the apartment they lived in when he was married and begins house hunting. After seeing several disastrous apartments, he finds the ideal place. Despite his
accountant's assurances and his own awareness that it is very much out of his price range, Louie remains committed to the idea of buying it. In the end, he repaints his old apartment with his daughters by his side.
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No, Mama put that there.
and what if she came over
and you moved that?
Okay, this is great.
It's like a brick,
but bit's bigger and gray.
There's a lot more to it,
I think you're gonna like it.
This one is available
first of the month.
It's just easier with somebody to, y'know...
Totally.
Hi, there's an ad in the paper
and then you come here
and we show you something else.
Go to building 701
down the block,
Let's get out of here.
No, no, don't write it off.
It's fine, I'll make you
nice, all right?
You're gonna eat this egg,
you're gonna love it.
With the two of you!
Thanks for the reminder, fellas.
This is the entrance foyer.
It was only rented once to
a somewhat famous comedian,
How many bedrooms are there?
Five.
and no one could judge you
so some good money rolling in.
And I just-- I think
we need a fresh start.
You're still paying support.
Okay.
How much?
Um, Louie, do I really
need to say anything?
why you can't buy
a $17 million house?
So you have to
put down 3.4 million.
plus the 3.4 million that
you're gonna plunk down
7,000.
than one mortgage payment
on this house.
Like, what could I buy
a house for right now?
You know, you should
find a nice rental.
I mean...
what do you mean?
or even their near-present.
It doesn't really
make sense to me.
What are the odds that he's not
gonna be a piece of shit?
Aired 13 years ago - Jun 30, 2011
In the first part of the episode, Louie awkwardly scores a "non-date" with a young woman who has no real interest in him, but a shocking and violent encounter on his way to meet her for a movie leads to a darker, more introspective Louie that
appeals to her—until he tells her the specifics of that encounter. In the second part, Louie is approached by his daughter's classmate's mom to have an emotionless sexual encounter; he agrees to do it, and comes to regret that decision every step of the way.
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What's up?
and I don't--
To-- to a movie or something?
What?
and watch actors
pretend and talk, I...
like Africa or Afghanistan, who--
We think this is
the important place.
You don't want to date me,
I know that.
I mean, you could get
hit by a truck
And-- and... I just--
no, you're right.
I mean, what happened?
Like, when I was
on my way to see you.
He's looking at me
and he's running,
and a garbage truck
came and hit him...
Oh, my God.
Oh, God!
I thought it was
kinda going well.
That was really traumatic for
me, but I'm hanging in there.
I know, it says your name on it.
Well, she needs
to step it up.
I have him with his father,
Gabriel, who left him.
I don't really have an opinion.
but do you wanna
go out sometime?
I'm approaching you
about this
Are you ready?
and then they don't want
anyone to have any say
I got these.
Thank you.
Delores, listen, I--
Aired 13 years ago - Jun 23, 2011
Louie's pregnant sister visits, and she needs to be taken to the hospital during the night as she is in pain. Upon hearing his sister screaming, Louie's two neighbors arrive. After some indecision, one of them looks after the kids while Louie and
the other neighbor bring his sister to the hospital. Though it turns out to be a false alarm, Louie finds a bond with the people who live around him.
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We went swimming one time.
The three of us. That was a nightmare
In fear. "Don't put me
in the water!" I'm like...
"I tricked you to death"?
I know how to look after you!
Goddamn I hate being ignored.
I really do. I really hate it.
It's not gonna happen every of your life so,
you must learn that now, okay?
Maybe later you'll be lucky.
is to make sure
that they have enough.
Make sure your
sister gets one too.
- What are you doing here?
- Oh, I'm not staying,
- They're sleeping now.
- Huh. Wow.
You're raising your girls.
Well, no shit. And they need it.
They need their dad.
I had to go to that stupid wedding
of yours and pretend. Not anymore.
big tittied, black-eyed
Guinea bitch can suck my dick.
Carlos and I aren't together anymore.
You know it got ugly. And...
Mom is... the only person
I ever admired, you know?
perfect. It just went bah, now!
Let's stop.
It's not... It's not...
What can be better than that?
It's just humane...
Oh my God.
- Ah, my baby's dying.
- No-no-no...
the goddamn door!
Alright, okay, okay!
- No, no, no.
- Friend.
Please. Please.
- Good night.
- Thank you. Thank you very much.
I just I was really...