Comedy, Drama
Original name: Louie
DESCRIPTION
Louis C.K. stars as a fictionalized version of himself; a comedian and newly divorced father raising his two daughters in New York City.
Aired 14 years ago - Sep 07, 2010
On an aimless night out that his babysitter awkwardly talks him out of cancelling, Louie decides to break his rut by hanging out with a couple of black comics. After feeling completely out of place at a club, he ends up going to the Eastville Comedy Club to do a short set, then home to his kids for an early-morning pancake breakfast.
And the bus must have
been delayed,
and she sat on the bench, too,
I'm not gonna sing.
They're just laying there.
I just want to stop
their ceaseless joy for life...
so I can go eat all the
ice cream in the freezer
I wait 'til they're asleep
And they say all sorts
of cool stuff at night, too,
Honey, shut your mouth
right now.
Karen, hi.
Hi.
Well, I'm not gonna be long.
I got nowhere to go.
Because it's depressing.
You have to be whole for them.
If you don't give a shit
about yourself,
Do you always
have to interrupt?
Watch how they go
after this chick.
Let's see... uh, Lisa.
You want to hang out with us?
Never mind, thanks anyway.
Oh, my God, seriously?
What up, big cousin?
Come on, man.
Live comedy, check it out.
Thanks.
Come on.
that you wore at court when
you got convicted.
it's not quite that bad,
but I definitely...
I'm gonna focus on that
I didn't mean to keep you...
Aired 14 years ago - Sep 07, 2010
After an exhausting morning getting his girls ready for school, Louie lets a fellow dad at his daughter's school train him at the gym, where he proves to be in worse shape than he thought.
♪ Louie, Louie
you're gonna die ♪
You going anywhere?
He's probably dead by now...
it's a pretty old limerick.
and while I...
Let me ask you a question.
Then why?
Why would I do it?
That's the greatest line
ever told.
I bet if you ripped off
that puffy coat,
See that guy?
Okay.
All right.
and I had
to go to the bathroom.
Just release my custody of them
to whoever's in there.
Look here, girls!
shaking off droplets of pee from
their syphilitic penises.
into a stall,
the Shangri-La of a stall that...
I'm looking at the foot
of a shitting man.
that he's spitting
past his dick
I don't...
Come on, please...
Come on, come on, come on.
Get it... get it.
I barely got them to school
on time, and now what?
Gotta train for it
so it's not so hard.
you let me give you a session,
if you like it...
No, you're right, you're right.
Okay.
No, no, no, pain is a door,
walk through it.
Squat.
Good, try to stand straight.
Eat it up.
Okay, okay, okay...
I told you, you've got to
start taking care of yourself.
"A safim"?
What is that?
That was a mistake.
in a big, ginger,
sweaty skin sack.
The lesson being, you're
gonna die very soon from...
How is he?
it revealed a massive mio-cardial
defalcation.
that is sitting
right on top of your heart.
Aired 14 years ago - Aug 31, 2010
When a nun at his Catholic school feels a young Louie and his friend aren't sufficiently penitent over Christ's suffering on the cross, a visiting doctor is brought in to give a graphic, medically specific description of the event, which haunts and
frightens Louie. But Louie's mother turns up in a new incarnation as a wise and loving parent who tells Louie that relying on dogma isn't the best way to be a good person.
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Dude, kill your son !"
"'Cause you don't love me
if you don't do it.
I don't know why he had to
be all drama queen about it
And he's like, "Oof, uh..."
sentenced the Jesus
to be scourged and crucified.
Who finds this funny?
If Jesus sacrificed
his life for my sins,
and will discuss the damage to
the tissues of his body.
by Pontius Pilate.
You can be our Jesus Christ.
First thing...
a man of peak
physical strength,
and then they cut deeper into
the subcutaneous tissues,
They put a robe on his back
blood, blood.
is laid back on the cross.
putting his full weight on
the nail in his feet.
the chill of death
creep through his tissues.
Do you now know
how the Lord suffered?
Okay, go ahead then,
drive it in.
The son of God,
Go ahead.
I gotta go, see you later.
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry!
is a serious offense.
But he will
have to be punished.
What is this about?
You had nothing to do
with that man being hurt.
But you had nothing
to do with it.
You might want it someday.
whether there is
or there isn't.
Aired 14 years ago - Aug 24, 2010
During a stand up routine, Louie discusses serious topics such as child abuse and abduction. In the first segment, Louie goes to a new dentist who's afraid of dentists himself and specializes in calming patients fears. Louie is anesthetized and
provided with middle eastern music. While under, he dreams about speaking with Osama Bin Laden and a group of terrorists. The group discuss ethics and the 9/11 attacks. Louie then dreams that the dentist is putting a banana in his mouth. When he wakes up he finds the dentist frantically zipping his pants, implying that Louie was orally raped. While performing stand up, Louie discusses the intricacies of male sexuality. In a second segment, he attempts to court a black woman named Tarese who works at the local grocery store. After buying groceries, Louie buys the woman flowers (from the same store), checks out at her register, and then gives the flowers to her. Tarese calls the manager to complain and the manager reimburses Louie for the flowers. Louie is waiting for the woman when she gets off of work, and walks home with her. Although Tarese is openly not interested, Louie walks with her to her apartment, where he is turned down. He then meets her sister as she is leaving the apartment complex. The next scene shows the two performing coitus. In a closing stand up segment, Louie professes his love for Jewish women.
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I have been afraid of
dentists my whole life.
... I'm just waiting for
my teeth to rot out.
I'm just... just gonna tap your
teeth with it, okay?
Well, let's get
right to it, then.
Okay.
Yeah.
It comes from Saudi Arabia.
I'm gonna be honest with you,
I'm gonna give you more gas
It feels like
I am leaving my body,
I can hear it.
Welcome to God's world.
If it pleases
you to say so, yes.
The people in those towers,
higher plane, whatever thing,
Yeah, you shouldn't do
anything to anybody
Basically, you're
saying we're assholes.
did I just talk you guys
out of being terrorists?
Hi.
Just leave it in your mouth.
What just happened?
Huh?
and we could just spray,
like a mist.
sinewy black guys
good stomach, puka-bead
necklace,
Again.
Have you worked here...
were you working here...
Next.
Here.
Look, I just bought
these for you.
You can't do that.
How would you
like to have sex with me
From before, I just
wanted to say, I... I, um...
I just... I...
Sorry.
but it ain't gonna happen.
It's probably kind of creepy
how I'm following you.
All right, I think
I'm gonna keep trying,
You just keep on going.
it kind of broadens your
horizons and you...
Aired 14 years ago - Aug 17, 2010
Flashbacks depict Louis learning about sex as a boy from his father and in school. On a date, he is emasculated by a high school student who threatens to beat him up. He secretly follows the bully home to Staten Island and confronts his parents.
and it's cut in half
lengthwise.
and ejaculates into the vagina.
Louie, come up here
and show me.
from watching this whole thing,
So I don't
know if you want to...
Well, it's just kind of
a great old place.
Yeah.
You wanna go?
I don't really need you here.
Suzy!
Big old titties!
You had that Asian chick
right in front of you, loser.
Eat, eat, eat, eat,
eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat,
anytime you wanted to.
What, am I bothering you?
Hey, hey, hey, man. Come on.
Huh?
Just left him there bleeding.
I don't know how
I'll feel, you know?
Now.
That was hard to watch.
Hey, look, if you need
to be with some guy
like you're looking down
at me right now
But, uh...
What ?!
and it's like just to be safe?
Women like you that choose
stupid strong people
Wow.
I have no defense.
I'm here because...
Jimmy, turn that shit down.
and they were just
making a racket
Look, nothing
happened to me, I'm okay,
Sean!
Don't say that, he's your kid.
Tell me how to raise my kid!
Listen, I don't know... I don't
know what you're dealing with.
My dad hit me, and his dad him.
Aired 14 years ago - Aug 10, 2010
After leaving his girls with their mother for a week, Louie tries to cope with their absence. He initially plans on exercising, but ends up eating ice cream and pizza for two days. Later, he's pressured into smoking pot with his obnoxious neighbor
and decides to get an adult dog, which promptly dies. After Animal Control picks up the dog to dispose of it, Louie's girls return and he tells them he had a good weekend.
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Not really.
I'm not gonna be a bag
of shit like I always am.
Sorry.
and my kids are out of town,
Oh, God, yes!
for about two days now.
Bro, I gotta borrow some...
guy.
I don't smoke pot.
I don't want to have to
smell that all the time.
Look, I'm not a cop
No, come on.
Piss shit fart.
No.
I'm sorry I came
in here and bothered you.
Did you like it
when you used to get high?
That dog is... I'm...
Hey, man, I think
maybe I'm too high.
Tell me about it.
I know, stew pah.
Hi.
Have you ever thought about
getting an older dog?
Nobody, I mean,
nobody wants an old dog,
You like that?
All right, boy.
You want a drink of water, pal?
Aired 14 years ago - Aug 03, 2010
In the first segment, Louie deals with the awkward situation created when he's propositioned by his brother to join in a three-way. In the second segment, Louie's unpleasant and stupid mother visits to report that she's now a lesbian, but is met with unloving indifference from Louie and injured resentment from Robby.
Okay, so...
Okay, here's the thing.
Stop talking now, stop talking.
She does, she does.
Louie, she's
all hot and then...
and I'm not gonna talk to you
for about three weeks, okay?
I don't... I don't
have any of those.
Like, who you would be if
you had no guidance?
I really, somewhere deep down,
Mom?
Hello, girls.
I am hungry, but I don't
like fending for myself.
Daddy, can we please go now?
I'm frankly amazed
that you're leaving me!
I deserve more
respect than this.
and who wants to ever
talk to their mother anymore?
Just shut up !"
I would have
dressed differently.
Jesus Christ.
This salad isn't very good.
I said,
"I'm a lesbian."
I... at least it
was for me.
I mean, who needs any of you?
Well, what do you think?
you asked the kids and I
to come with you
My kids spent Christmas
in a Holiday Inn
I don't care what you do
with your vagina.
I really don't love you, Mom.
I really don't.
but they're just...
they're doing it wrong.
I mean, gay guys, I get it,
Or she has to splay herself
That's it, you just walk up,
you're gay.
Not morally,
just geometrically.
This... this is bad.
Dude, what...
what if I'm gay?
She didn't tell me
she was in town.
I n't know, man.
I'm not into this shit.
ing a suit?
Hey.
Jasmine, these are my boys,
Yeah, I'll have
a vodka on the rocks.
So let me get this straight.
Finally found love?
I love you for you, Ma.
Aired 14 years ago - Jul 27, 2010
In the first segment, Louie deals with a heckler during his gig at the Comedy Cellar. In the second segment, Louie is guilted into accepting a role as a cop in a movie directed by Matthew Broderick, but finds acting difficult.
Go ahead.
All right.
if your mom hadn't raped that
homeless Chinese guy.
Look, can you do me a favor?
Everybody that
works in the hospital
'cause you're the worst thing
that ever happened in America.
And your mother's a whore.
Did you just
call me a "C"-word?
and it's building now.
Yeah, but, you know...
Just think about that
for a second.
Why?
I mean, people come to these
shows and they talk,
and you have full
and fun nights, right?
They have this.
You took that away from them.
You have no right
to make me feel like that.
You could be going to get
a drink with her right now.
Do you want to sit for a minute?
Sure.
What?
See, it's not my dream,
though, Laurie.
to want to be an actor.
Louie... Louie.
and it's all Jews.
But this, you don't even
have to read for it.
And they're all
about your character.
Simon...
You're doing it!
I appreciate everything
you've done for me.
I'll see you later, okay?
Good, thank you very much
for... Oh, yeah, yeah.
Am I one of the...
am I one of the Jews?
You... you can't
go in there.
Okay, let's go again,
we'll go again.
You can't go in there.
Yeah, it helps if you say that.
Okay, I'll do it again.
You... How did you get...
You get the train here...
I'm not good at it
and I don't like it.
now you're asking $2.
Aired 14 years ago - Jul 20, 2010
Louie endures a number of typical airline problems traveling to Birmingham for a gig. After the show, he meets an intense fan and her intimidating brother at a local diner, and a sheriff who just wants a little appreciation.
I don't like the bridges.
You people are pieces of shit!
Don't you understand that?
I'm going to Birmingham
on the 11:40 flight.
I'm showing th that flight is canceled.
Why was it canceled?
You think I'll get on?
I need to check it by hand over here.
Sir, you can't carry this on the plane.
is it dangerous? No, it's not dangerous.
I'm not saying this is a weapon.
Just play stupid, you know?
but I don't think that's
gonna make a difference
Perfect storm.
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, we're hitting
Flight attendants, prepare for landing.
Think we're gonna die
right now? I don't know.
Oh, man, that was...
the body that I want.
If you really want my opinion,
you can take both those towns
okay, come on.
Alison, I have a little
surprise for you tonight.
Hi.
This is Doreen.
Sure, okay.
You had a show in town tonight?
I mean, everybody's nobody.
Thank you, thank you, that's really nice.
I want to tell you that...
And it was really nice to meet yo but I...
She's a big fan of you,
but you don't like her?
My sister is a big fan of you.
Mmm.
Aired 14 years ago - Jul 13, 2010
In the first segment, Louie hooks up with a young woman at the Comedy Cellar (Elizabeth Hower) who's attracted to older guys. In the second segment, he bonds with a woman he meets at a PTA meeting while their kids are on a play date. Throughout the episode, Louie has odd interactions with his therapist.
Well, yeah,
young pussy smells good.
that e to me, clearly,
Oh, my God, you're so old.
Oh, God, that's cry old!
Who the hell is that?
You don't really
wanna know that
"Oh, yeah.
Animals must
think we're idiots.
Anyway, I'm a...
I'm a father.
"I ate 'em both."
Good evening.
Jay, I don't think you can
say that and be fair.
I'm sorry, what was that?
I work, hi.
No, it's not that...
they're being demoralized.
My son is never Cartesian.
When are they
supposed to dance?
Right?
is gonna get much support.
You guys are in
my Lilly's class.
I mean, all this shit is
shut down for good.
Yeah.
Do you think it's...
No, you asked me if I thought
No, no, no, he doesn't have to.
and the divorce took forever.
I got this.
Okay.
I wish daddy would make
macaroni and cheese.
They're like...
"where is your wife ?"
You're obviously a great dad.
That's kind of offensive
to fathers.
You're a great dad.
Thanks.
Okay...
I would never hit serge, never.
or I'm having
a hard time with him
right in his
stupid little face.
I don't know,
I'm drawing a blank.
Okay, okay, okay, all right,
you know what?
I just become just some dude.
Oh, my God, you're the
biggest bummer I ever met.
Pamela ?O
Aired 14 years ago - Jul 06, 2010
In the first segment, Louie goes to a doctor who's an old high school friend with an odd sense of humor. In the second segment, after performing at the Comedy Cellar, he dines with a fellow comedian who harbors passionate political views.
Do they steal it from you?
Uh...
So I'm just squeezing her for
a little extra insurance money
It looks like
someone poured diarrhea
I can't believe
you're a doctor.
What is that?
Come on, man.
You're an asshole.
That is disgusting.
But it chewed it like it
thought it was
Yes, doctor, it's very ugly.
No, no, no way.
Is that okay?
Yeah, it's okay.
There's never gonna
be another year of my life
Every day starts
with me, like, my eyes open
"I guess.
"Indian giver" is one
of the most offensive things
Well, they didn't
take it back, certainly,
So we start
killing all of them.
Poor prick--
skinny, no hair.
Are you being
serious right now?
First of all,
I don't believe you.
Then shut up, asshole.
Weird things are happening
to my body as I get older.
The "white guilt" muscle,
didn't I?
I mean, I'm not gay, but just
to be part of history.
Is called a nazi by
deluded assholes like you.
And then you can celebrate
with a big parade of soldiers
What the ( bleep )
is wrong with you?
Jeez, man, it looks bad.
Got blindsided by a model t.
So how are the kids?
Good.
Yeah, no, try to get
some sleep.
I mean, I just think
it's great that you and andie
I'm like, what the hell's
this shit?
I don't want to be with
anybody else,
Who's gonna die first.
Oh, jeez.
I'm sorry I called you a nazi.
'cause we were
out getting laid?
And we went to go pick up
his cousin--
And we're picking
her up at the port authority,
She's the only one who
actually saw him.
And this dude was
particularly homeless.
That's what--
that's how much...
Not hacky sack, cool-guy,
medical-marijuana dreadlocks,
Aired 14 years ago - Jun 29, 2010
In the first segment, the conversation during a poker game becomes an intense exploration of gay culture. In the second segment, after Louie's brother depresses him about the finality of his divorce, Louie reminisces about a high school crush, subsequently looking her up on Facebook.
What's a "huddle"?
Break."
Christ!
Like I said, I don't care
and God bless you.
You're the ones who asked me.
Who says "hello"
onstage at all?
Do you think I shouldn't be
using that word onstage?
Now, in the Middle Ages,
So that's how you get
"flaming faggot."
sometimes many times,
♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪
It's like stepping out
of a time machine.
so I was married for 14 years.
Like, if a time machine
was a box
That's just weird.
Nothing.
your life looks
pretty bleak, okay?
You know, I'm trying to see
the positive in this thing.
in a room with
a thin blanket over you
There's never gonna be another
year of my life
The loss of ability,
agility and breath
You get-- you don't understand
what "exponential" means.
Uh, nothing.
What's that?
What are you, stupid?
Yeah, hi.
So do you remember me much?
What?
It just kind of, it just--
No, that's all right,
nobody stays like that.
Bye, Tammy.
No.
Aired 14 years ago - Jun 29, 2010
In the first segment, Louie volunteers to chaperon his daughter's field trip along with her teacher, which a surly bus driver helps turn into a disaster. In the second segment, Louie goes on an awkward and unsuccessful first date.
I don't cry like a little bitch
'cause I can't open my milk.
Thanks for helping me today.
So where you wanna go?
How do you not know this?
That's okay.
You told me to take
the West Side Highway,
Oh!
I don't know.
Jeremy and Maria,
you switch seats, too.
Okay, new field trip, guys.
Get in the car, get in the car.
which means they can't really
screw up too badly,
and they go, "Oh, I'm hungry,"
and then they just die.
like a nice Ford Focus
with no miles on it,
it's going to lead to shit.
and it won't work out
and you'll get divorced
That's the best-case scenario,
I'm not wearing
any clothing at all.
Okay, Jesus!
Your dad died and you're
coming here from his funeral?
Okay, can you please
stop smiling
Yeah, I thought we'd just go
down to the Village
Can I just tell you
something, Louie?
Yeah, yeah, I have two girls.
it turns out she's got
an infected vagina.
Let's try again.
Let's go!
And he sounded exactly
like you?
I'm sorry if I'm not the Fonz
all over the place.
You're cute and you got a flat
stomach and you're young?
I brought home
us crying in a few years.
And I was like,
"Well, can we fix it ?"