Wet Hot American Summer

While Beth and Gene fight to save the camp from government forces, Andy and the other counselors take on their Camp Tigerclaw rivals.

It's the only evidence of Xenstar toxic waste dump.

Give me the can, Gene.

Ow!

- Yes. - Okay.

I love you, Neil.

I executed procedure 865-Delta,

Well, right now the can they think is Mitch

No, Falcon did exactly as he was ordered to do.

And why did you have to kill Greg and Jim Stansel?

And what I'm hearing is that this is bothering you that many lives were lost.

Look, I'm not trying to belabor a point here.

Wait. What did... Did you just say, "pubic mound"?

Oh, Blake? He's such a jerk.

Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw! Claw!

- What are they doing here? - Oh, my God!

Did y'all know that? Huh? This loser's dad cleans my family's pool.

- You don't have a rumble without me! - Hmm?

♪ The hand of fate is my own fist ♪

♪ Nothing to fear It's only desire ♪

♪ Higher, higher ♪

Prepare yourselves!

Yeah!

but I'm pretty sure you've heard of Rock & Roll World magazine.

poisoning the environment and slaughtering the innocent.

I may be the most powerful person in the modern world,

Now excuse my French,

- He is so cool for doing that! - He saved the camp.

What's happening right now?

Guys, we gotta get outta here!

- Hey. - Hey, man, where ya been?

President Reagan and the U.S. military also tried to destroy the camp,

which I acknowledge doesn't really make any sense,

We mostly talked about Eddie Murphy.

We're going to explore each other in a yurt.

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America...

- Actually, no. No. - No?

Victor and Coop discover that sex is more complicated than they thought. Lindsey has to file her article. Andy and Katie have a moment of truth.

Oh, God, it stings.

I warned you not to get too close, didn't I?

And there's sure as hell a lot more things

Are you kidding? They're gonna love you.

I wasn't intended... I wasn't... I wasn't...

So, you know, stuff like that.

so why should tonight be any different?

Actually, it's not red. It's more maroon.

All right. Well, I'm gonna go freshen up

Yeah, welcome to Camp Firewood. What's ours is yours!

No, I just want the rubbers and the lube and I don't care about any of this.

Keychain! What a pervert!

♪ Flowers in our beds I saw you ♪

and finally, the one I fell in love with."

But why are you crying?

Okay, everybody,

and the person I'm going into the closet for seven minutes of heaven is Kyle!

There's an empty room over there. Let's go fill it up, huh?

Okay... Yup. Next up.

Oh, shit! Sorry, Blue Balls.

I guess what I'm trying to say is

Yeah, start timing us, d-bag.

When you kiss Donna, you must kiss her from the waist.

- It can mean hello. - Or, it can mean goodbye.

I mean, you smoke, you tried to get me to be in some weird threesome.

It looks better on you anyway.

- Oh, sure, sure. Yeah, there we go! - There you go.

Okay, I got it.

What? No! What're you talking about?

You can tell people you made it with me if you want.

Oh, exciting! That must be fun.

What a total Benedict Arnold!

- Nancy, J.J., I can explain. I... - Oh, really?

Friends don't do those things.

I got all of you.

Lives change dramatically during the performance of the staff musical "Electro/City." Greg and Beth's lawsuit goes to trial.

I bet he cleanses those panties with dime store detergent.

Dibs!

- I would literally lose my mind. - Ben, places!

- Oh, take my sweatshirt. - Hmm.

The Xenstar lawyers are gonna want to cut a deal,

So why don't you just forget this whole thing

My client considers this a nuisance lawsuit.

I'll be sure to get some tickets for me and my friends,

Oh, really? Well, what's the opposite of insane then, professor?

♪ You taught me well Now I'm in jail ♪

Mr. Fleck, isn't it true

It's just, I didn't know Gene. But I really don't know you.

Eric... you're a genius.

Something's not right. I just can't crack it.

Two minutes!

With whom?

I'm so sorry, Susie. I had no idea until I put on the zoot suit.

Am I gonna die? Give it to me straight, counselor.

♪ If love is a crime ♪

♪ These sparks ♪

Well, if anything changes,

All couples to the dance floor, post haste.

Hey, Judge!

Sorry, Martinson, I won't be able to make it.

Excuse me. What is that metal thing in your hand?

♪ Yes, I'm a ghost ♪

Electro-City is such a cruel place to live.

My place is here, at Camp Firewood.

Here, mine is, too. Feel it! Feel it.

Susie, Claude, Andy and Katie get closer during the evening meal. Jonas overreacts when Victor crank-calls him. Beth and Greg hire a lawyer.

{n8}All right, let's get our Billy and Roxy up here!

Then harness it.

- Is she always like this? - Every day.

I know.

- What's up? - Not much.

Wish that you would take a look around. There's all this area to look around in.

You sure you're not covering for your friend?

Godspeed, Victor Pulak.

a bride and a groom are not to see each other at all

sometimes to forgive is to set a prisoner free,

Down at the courthouse they call me Johnny Piss Pot.

Wow. You want my input? That's amazing, Mr. Dumet.

I'll go, uh, get the place ready, and why don't you, uh...

I'm really glad that we finally got a chance to have some alone time.

No, but...

- People have their mouths open. - So good...

Do you know Pythagris? He was a mathematician.

- Did you just say "turd"? - Coop, tonight we will be three.

- Just one more time. - Okay.

It's fun. It's fun.

That's a hell of a story.

I told you before. They call me Johnny Piss Pot.

We're Mr. and Mrs. Archibald Doohickey.

It's the only family I know, other than my own family.

That place is definitely haunted. That's one thing I know for a fact.

You know, I'm not like most girls.

But I'm also thinking I want to be a producer/writer/triple-threat.

Now is the right time. I will be your Ben.

You got to hide me. I don't want to die!

Aren't you supposed to be marrying her right now?

Do you, Jonas Jurgenson... I mean, Gene Jenkinson...

let him speak now or forever hold his peace.

So what do you say? Give it a shot?

- Thank you, Gene. - Thanks, buddy.

Claude helps Susie find new leads for the musical. Gail tries to discover the truth about Jonas.

but it's perfect for someone looking for a little solitude.

Quite a storm on the way.

{n8}That's Bachman-Turner Overdrive

by breaking their fall.

- Adieu, my princess! - Aw.

Hi, I'm Lisa. I'm from Freehold, New Jersey.

You want me to gut you like a fish for everyone to see?

because you sure as shit are not gonna make it in show business.

"He asked politely if you were gonna buy anything."

Oh, yeah, that was, uh...

It's okay to be scared.

The scarf she wrapped around her neck.

In fact, you could audition for the lead role.

Think I just caught the acting bug.

while he was having drinks with the late, great Gower Champion.

The point is to get the ball all the way around the pole, so you hit it like this.

♪ And can you feel it in the air? ♪

♪ Short it out, make your own revolution ♪

All right, all right! Camp Firewood!

More like... a turtle.

Rhonda! Who's next?

I thought the sloppy joes were pretty great,

♪ Children belong where they can ramble ♪

- Uh, how can I help you, ma'am? - Hi.

- It's actually 1408... - No, after that.

It's my turn, and I call dibs on Amy.

I guess the trademark is that both actors get into the zoot suit

Her talent, Warner. I'm attracted to her talent.

so she could eat hot dog wieners with those peasants from Camp Firewood.

What are you saying?

Also Jeff.

Okay.

Is it too late to audition?

♪ Forever waltz about on champagne eyes ♪

You will play the part of the Warden.

Tensions rise after Blake sees Andy hitting on Katie. Beth goes to an unlikely source for help. Coop is crushed when Donna gives out multiple gifts.

- All right. - Yeah.

Where is he?

He's right over there in the soccer field, see?

We've been to second base twice. So that adds up to fourth.

You don't touch a Tigerclaw man's girl and expect to get away with it.

I know you will.

The only chance that we have of saving this camp for good

I mean, their protocols probably have protocols.

- ♪ Feel the spark! ♪ - ♪ It's you! ♪

Becky, you're gonna do a three-steps giant leap.

♪ Needle in the doll Needle in the hay ♪

Proof?

I'm quite sure I don't know what you're talking about.

Down here.

My girlfriend, Donna, got it for me from Jerushalayim.

You stabbed me with your dick-like shofar!

Touché.

and there's a big staff party afterwards at the Roundhouse and I want...

I love you!

but now I need you to access the memory banks of your brain

Are you part of the problem, or are you the solution?

Oh, a shofar. Donna, yofi, this is wonderful.

You said all that stuff to me about strength, love, joy.

but I'd sure like to get into a game...

Sir! I will defend the network access code, sir!

Your energy feather allowed my energy feather to find its voice.

- Okay. - Coop?

- Are you doing it? - Yeah, I'm gonna do it right now.

We have four hours until the show, Claude, and these guys suck dick.

I heard a rumor that Eric used to live there.

- You have to tell it. - Tell it.

was an A&R guy for Columbia Records.

He signs Eric and the band to a record deal on the spot.

And that is when Eric just lost his shit.

Sometimes stories have chapters.

Here, take mine.

Can you hack into the government's mainframe?

Journalist Lindsey goes undercover as a counselor. Beth and Greg make a startling discovery. Coop has his hands full with Kevin and Donna.

It's the first morning at Camp Firewood, and the horny counselors are already making their moves, while something sinister is going on in the woods.

It's very... She's very witty.

Ha! Nice lady-shorts, McKinley.

Hey, J.J., um, have you seen Donna Berman?

All right, okay. Tonight after lights out, staff party at the Roundhouse.

Shari, take my ding dong in your ear.

That's my girlfriend you're talking about.

Campers are here.

Come here. I'm gonna miss this face.

"Camp Firewood offers a state-of-the-art ten-watt FM radio broadcasting facility."

Re: Me being your boyfriend.

Ah! You are in my bunk, Kevin Appleblatt.

Look, you've already made one friend, Kevin.

Hey, Cliff. Your bunk is next to mine.

- Hello. - Girls, how are you?

Yes, I spilled a little bit of Tang on my shirt, so he was...

- What? - Statuesque.

Well, just, you know, take it slow. 'Cause, you never know, you know?

And that's gonna allow you to project your voice in the theater!

There are a lot of people asking

Oh, Milly, where's my mint julep?

Or did he?

Son of a bitch!

And that may have seemed like just light entertainment,

You've already made love, like, 10,000 times, right?

Shari's coming tonight, so I mean, I think I have a shot.

What? Speak up, Mumble Princess. You sound like you were in a car accident.

- Run! - Pussy!

Kevin, stop! Just stop! What are you running from?

Exactly. But not just any fight.

Well, if ever there was a camp radio station,

Arty Solomon here, alias the Beekeeper.

And hear you, you know, like,

- Your hair could look good, too. - Could?

You're bangin', too. Just like, in general.

You realize I'm the fuckin' burp king of Westchester?

A big win for Drew that round. Round two.

You stink.

I'm the burp king of Westchester.

I could muster a few of these myself.

I lost pretty bad, but I'm glad I stood up for myself.

Argh! God damn it!