BoJack Horseman

The important things in life becomes clear to BoJack when Todd moves out to join the improv comedy group on their special cruise ship.

to build a brand new one. So congratulations. You're a hero.

A, because I am not a great man and B, because that is a really stupid name.

Thank you for that lovely song. But I'm not a good person.

It's amazing to me that people wake up every morning

-And I'm not just talking about the butt. -Ha.

-Shan't you? -I shannot.

-We fixed the whole thing in post. -Really?

Computer BoJack had so much charisma and screen presence we ended up going back

Explain that the widow Day-Lewis. She'll be devastated. Kaput. Kapleshky.

If we hire someone to micromanage our clients' online personas

I just wanna remember this instant where for once in my life,

-We're about to start a company together. -None of that has to change.

Ha, ha. Okay, keep the engine running, I'll be back in a-- Oh.

-It was two months ago. You missed it. -Sorry.

And you kept eating them so I kept making them.

Well, anyway, I'm finally moving out, just like you wanted.

-I really do. -Yeah, okay.

All right, but why are you helping me?

it's a place to watch improv and drink watered-down margaritas for 8.99.

And you can use improv to make this room anything you want it to be.

[sighs]

-He refused to scrub the floors. -Oh, Bryan.

-Aah. -I had such high hopes for you, Todd.

Because I have very mixed feelings about it.

I'm just saying, what, you think you're gonna find some perfect unattached guy

It's my company. My name is on all the paperwork.

the race of life.

-You know Ana Spanikopita? -Hello.

-No. Well, define "weird." -You look doughy. Do you run?

and then they like learning more about you, but at a certain point

and make sure to mention my preferred brands, okay?

It's... hard.

Listen, I know this sounds crazy, but I think maybe you should get back here

and it says if I leave immediately, I can still make it home tonight.

Okay, party people, we have time for one more suggestion.

Okay, well, here's a suggestion, your name is Todd.

I'm afraid that getting out of here is not an option.

Now feel the wrath of my flamethrower.

There is literally nothing happening to you.

-Can this be the end? -This whole ship is full of idiots.

Your friend? I didn't realize this man was your friend.

-Is this your friend, Todd? -It's more complicated than that.

That made you throw up in the pool. Then I got mad at you for throwing up in my pool.

Letting you stay with me was the best thing I ever did on purpose.

[distorted ringtone playing on phone]

BoJack goes on a road trip to visit an old friend, and gets a taste of existence outside the Hollywoo bubble.

- in the middle of landlocked New Mexico? - Jeez, so many questions.

In fact, I want two, two poop decks. Sorry about that. What's going on?

Wait, BoJack, when are you coming back?

but now he's gotta take Trip to his dumb-ass basketball game.

Well, I mean, if it's okay with BoJack.

- Got it. - So, let me ask you something. Tsk.

He's in my calculus class, and sometimes we'll do this thing

"Yeah, pfft, okay, dude." You know what I mean?

I was just going for a drive."

And I didn't know where else to go.

Yeah! Woo-hoo! I'm going on a boat! I got my way!

That actually is a good name for it, the nongendered object.

Yeah, I guess, uh... I guess I did... do what I came here to do.

I don't know, Princess Carolyn. Just let them burn.

If I know me, it might lead to some pretty zany misadventures.

You're not funny, Dad. Your jokes are never funny.

- Way to take initiative. - Oh. Rookie mistake.

- because you can actually... - Mom.

Diego will see you have a good time without him,

- Don't you want to dance with Diego? - Stop poking holes, Charlotte.

- I'm Maddy. - Maddy's my best friend.

I forgot to say that twice, didn't I? Usually I do it.

Do they teach you anything in school? Make a left at the light.

- Just beat it. - Ah!

- You can't just leave the prom. - Of course you can. You're young.

Oh.

She just had too much to drink. Take her back to your place.

- Society. - Careful.

but if there's an adult there, I was supposed to be responsible,

I... I don't know.

I'm glad.

With your mouth? What kind of health class...?

- No, Penny, don't... - I'll see you tomorrow.

you, me and Herb let those balloons go over Studio City?

I said so many things when I was young. I thought I was so deep.

You know, you can't escape... you.

Guy goes into the doctor's office. Says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this."

Oh. BoJack, um...

I've wasted so much time sitting on my hands

- I don't know you. - You do.

You make me too sad.

Todd gets sucked into the cult of improv comedy. Wanda thinks Diane is a bad influence on BoJack when he has to deal with a career crisis.

Secretariat's a nice guy, the Spanish kids learn a lesson.

You like coq au vin?

If I left Vigor, would you follow me to a new agency?

- She came out of nowhere. - Jill Pill?

- Way to break the fourth wall. - That wasn't that funny.

Yes, and if you mess up, that's okay. It's all part of the fun.

Oh, that was just me doing an improv.

- your wife is bullshit!" - Oh.

Hey, what's your name, Superstar?

Eh...

Man, Todd, you don't know shit. You're just a tourist.

I'm just waiting for my friend Doris. Have you seen her?

Well, I'm no Emeril Lagasse, but we do get by.

I'll be traveling back and forth to New York for the next few months

Anyway, what were we talking about? Who knows?

- Are you kidding? - Well, you know,

That movie already exists. Why would we make Casablanca?

- He said, "It's no Casablanca." - Well, what's done is done.

and lying to my husband for the last week? Hey, there's a Cheez-It on the shelf.

- Stop. No, stop it. - Please stop.

with the promise of social and professional opportunities.

- I really don't think it's that bad, guys. - Why does anything matter, right?

President Lohan! Get away from that fire hose!

He's been reassigned to the Shenanigags comedy cruise line, the Giggleship.

If you think Shenanigags is a cult, you're free to go, Todd.

Except keep acting in this movie you hate.

but is now a scene where he swims in a fishing hole

Sabrina was such a little bitch.

Know what, actually, he might be a falcon.

Well, well, well, what delicious irony.

- You knocked over Bucking-can Palace. - Come on!

I'm gonna go down to the basement to practice my space work.

Darn tootin'. I may be a professional racehorse,

I'm tired of running in circles.

through our noses, and get enshrined inside of it. Duh.

- I'm not really in the mood for... - I think some time away

- Yeah, that's easy for you to say. - What is that supposed to mean?

- watching your former assistant's garbage. - I don't know where this is coming from.

Well, I'm sorry that things have been so hard for you,

You know, it's funny. When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses,

Where Olivia does the school project where she pretends an egg is a baby.

And I would say, "I don't think that's true."

BoJack cooks up a scheme with Kelsey, Todd, Princess Caroline and Mr. Peanutbutter to steal a crucial shot for the Secretariat film.

Usually I talk to Diane on the way to work,

The Nixon scene is the core of the whole movie.

That's why they took the gay stuff out of A Beautiful Mind.

We'll meet in the supply closet in one minute. Break!

What? But I can't just leave Vigor.

and your second favorite Gnarls Barkley song.

We weren't doing anything! We were just looking for closet supplies.

Even I can't believe how much good we've done here,

- A real-life newspaper! - Uh-huh.

Diane, this is Kinko.

That you, like Sebastian, are part of something bigger than just yourself.

I had to touch three children today, and one of them was sticky.

and we shot on location.

- Come on. - It wasn't our best season.

But if you have any questions about Nixon, I'd be happy to answer them.

- Kind of. - Great. You're in.

Hey, you got a problem? Take it up with my agent,

Hey, Seattle! Space Needle, Starbucks.

- Twist my arm, why don't you? I'll do it. - Okay.

because some idiot stole this model last night.

between the tanning salon and the adult bookstore.

I'm reading a script and I'm having trouble focusing,

at this up-and-comer that will please the pickiest of Brooklynites

Sure, but isn't this why we're here? To help these people?

One of us isn't going to come out of this alive.

and not enough time being a dad.

an illegitimate son,

Hello, I'm Nixon.

Ugh. Wait a sec... I know you!

- How about you enjoy this? Aah! - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Oh, no! Alan's cell phone is dead!

Also, my husband left me.

And over there is the statue of me building the library.

...let's drag these corpses to the mass grave behind the playground.

If you're going to survive, you'll need to harden up.

- If I call the police, will I get a line? - No, we won't use it in the movie.

you've been told that your brother, Jeffretariat,

What if someone tells you they'll take you to the park,

It's like you don't even read the idyllic New England village trades.

Bye!

and all the other character actors who live in lucrative obscurity.

- Yeah, the coverage in Cordovia is... - Diane, Diane.

It's hard, but it's good.

And that's when you realize

BoJack is one of the celebrity guest stars on the first episode of Mr. Peanutbutter's game show, but the game doesn't go as expected.

Ah. All right! Here we go.

"Hollywoo stars and celebrities, what do they know?

-[audience laughs] -I don't--

-I don't know, seven? -Wrong! So wrong.

"Trigonometry." "Advanced Physics," and "At the Movies With Mr. Peanutbutter."

So I told Mr. Peanutbutter I'd drive him here,

If Salinger gives you his pen, that means you're worth something.

since you're an expert when it comes to de-Nile.

-You could get one thing right tonight. -[audience laughs]

-And we're back in three, two... -[music plays]

And yes folks, I said "da," not "the."

-Daniel Radcliffe! -Hi, I'm Daniel Radcliffe. Hello.

other people are loving the show.

it charges my credit card five dollars. Love you.

-To get away from Chris Martin? -Huh.

-Yeah, that's right. -How was your mother's party in the end?

The puppets clap when the puppetmaster pulls the strings.

No!

When I was growing up, my neighbor was a painter.

And while Daniel's in the booth, BoJack, you have an essay question.

Why am I getting the hard questions,

and all the stars came out to show off their tricks.

so if this isn't about the precipitous fall of the French ruling class--

Mm-hm. Watch the ears.

-And then it just stops? -[audience laughs]

Or C, 3500?"

Sassafras. Butterscotch! Argyle.

Yeah, you know, you're doing great, but I'm supposed to win.

because it seems like you might actually win,

They say you're the worst. Especially Queefburglar69. He's their leader.

Hmm?

I mean, more like Secre-terrible.

That's not what happened. She went to help people.

Should we cut to commercial?

that time you pulled over by the side of the road.

Well, there are roadside cameras all along the PCH,

Oh, and it doesn't for you?

Whoa, guys, this is getting a little heavy, don't we think?

I knew it. I knew this show would bring us to the heights of human drama

Uh, this is network television.

And we're back.

Todd! Goddamnit, step aside!

[audience booing]

-Wait, what? -You're right, it makes perfect sense.

I really tried this time. I guess I'll never really amount to anything.

Diane goes off book during BoJack's book tour, jeopardizing Mr. Peanutbutter's new show. Todd gets involved in international affairs.

Will you bring me one of those big Toblerone bars? [chuckles]

Are you giving me a thumb's up or a thumb's down? I can't tell.

Don't do that BoJack thing where you go off-script

visiting Los Angeles this week

You shouldn't meet your hero on an empty stomach.

"Hank and Mr. Peanutbutter are back to back. Thursdays on MBN." [laughs]

Yeah, that's kind of the idea.

[both growl]

That's a great question.

Wait, wait, what about Hank Hippopopalous?

Stanky Hanky? Allegations vile and ranky.

and what does she have against our beloved hippopotamus?

I'd like to think that's a coincidence.

So... listen. Some website called "Tit Puncher"

than for this to just go away.

Is so great to be in meager trash city Los Angeles

What you got against Uncle Hanky, you uppity cooze?

and when you don't have proof to back it up, you just slink away.

The way you said that made it sound like you won't drop it.

That is a tight squeeze. What?

That's exactly the problem. Because he's so nice,

We don't know the facts.

She knows that Hippopopalous is the only thing

Wanda, I just got back from a set visit on Contemporary Family.

You know it's a federal crime to go through someone else's mail?

How would she even fit one of those in there?

with fist of fire of which make many, many nightmares

The pleasure's yours. Walk with me, squawk with me.

Like, uh, what to do with all those extra buttons that come with your shirts.

in a crazy alternate universe these last few days.

We need to sit you down with someone who's willing to go on the record.

[shouting in Cordovian]

Look, you had your fun.

There's gotta be someone who will talk.

Dog friend's program is to find what celebrities know?

I go now. Back to palace!

I say you should shut your stupid pretty face.

I thought I would never see you again.

by attacking a famous man, is that it?

-I am always on your side. -Really?

You got everything you wanted because of that book.

-Are you? -Yes, actually. I am.

Princess Caroline sees an opportunity when Mr. Peanutbutter's agent dies. BoJack flips when he says the "L" word out loud to Wanda.

Oh, is that that thing where you strangle yourself

Hey, BoJack, would you zip me up? My shoulder is killing me.

Huh. BoJack, I love it, and you're gonna love it, too.

My heel broke while I was at this new food truck,

No, no, I'll be okay. And how are you?

No, I'm gonna do exactly what landed me Mr. Peanutbutter's House, oh, so long ago.

Probably not, right? Because they're meaningless words?

Ignore. Wait, where's the ignore button?

Everyone who was here on time is taking a moment.

- Law, Lo, Leno, and J. Abrams. - Oh, that's wonderful news

Ugh. Flyer. Why do you have to be on my shoe in front of this store?

Why go home when we could extend this long day's journey into night?

the other one's on the Adam's banana?

- So, like a normal rainbow? - But it's too dangerous, man.

Tell me, have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and personal savior?

I said it's fine. You don't love me.

Can you talk about your process?

- You said it to me. - Yeah, but that was different.

Jessica Atkinson, come on down.

while Katie and I were locked in a fascinating debate about counter granite.

- Isn't he dead? - He's "reclusive."

I need a favor. Can you hold on to this for me?

Wait. So, you're saying if someone loves you,

I don't know anything about bicycles. I'm J.D. Salinger. I faked my own death.

No, thank you. Not interested.

What if I told you there was a place where no one reads books?

is writing things that, one day, other people will also avoid reading.

You're probably wondering what this beautiful mahogany box is.

- Okay. I get it. - Since you don't, I should do it, right?

A big job like that needs lumber, and pulleys, lemons, so forth.

It's time to get serious about auto-erotic asphyxiation.

I'm trying to have a more fulfilling orgasm.

His spare lyricism and devotion to character

You know, like, Hollywoo stars and celebrities, what do they know?

Oh, it's perfect.

- He's perfect. - Mm-hm.

it's probably because you just didn't have the right attitude.

that takes the guesswork out of this task,

BoJack... Wait. Did you fix the bed?

You know what? Here's... First of all...

BoJack really wants his director Kelsey to like him. Todd, Diane, and Kelsey's daughter help a chicken who's on the lam from the police.

- Mãe, seu amigo está estranho. - O BoJack não é meu amigo.

Passou bem a bola, capitã! Bate aqui?

- De cara? - Claro.

O quê? Não, eu não, estúpido. Você é estúpido.

no site de citações do Benjamin Franklin."

Já sei! Passando o dia num spa!

Princesa Carolyn, preciso de algo para fazer.

Está bem.

FRANGO A QUATRO 4 BILHÕES DE PEDIDOS

Certo. Sabe o que acho desse seu comportamento?

Uma galinha do Frango a Quatro caiu de um caminhão

Bocó? Está bem, sinto muito, querida.

Tenho que dar uma olhada por aí, pra poder dizer que fiz o meu trabalho.

e agora é empresária do Kings of Leon.

Mas não podemos devolver a Becca. Vão encher ela de hormônios!

Tem razão. Vamos sair daqui.

- O quê? Eu sou a criada? - Silêncio, criada!

Espera aí, esta caneta não é Bic.

isso é um risco para a saúde pública e sua companhia é responsável.

deve chegar perto ou...

para podermos abatê-lo, fazer uma gosma

mas nessa história monstruosa os monstros horríveis somos nós?

E agora, meu plano tá completo. Bom seguimento, Todd!

- Corta! Companhia... - Ótimas notícias, operários confiáveis.

É dona de um Volvo 2002 com um adesivo de "Reeleja Al Gore"?

- Viva! Viva! - Somos a Polícia de Los Angeles.

Nada disso, ele acha que regras foram feitas pra ser violadas.

Cada minuto que você perde tentando conseguir outra carona,

E temos 20 acres de pastos,

- De onde tirou essa arma? - Originalmente ou agora?

Você não era a melhor amiga que eu já tive e eu nunca te amei.

Podemos ter uma conversa que não seja sobre você?

Ele está meio estranho desde que atropelei um veado há duas semanas.

Bom, é, mas de todos os lugares que vão acabar matando ela,

Para onde a gente levaria ela? Ela nem fala inglês.

Isso! Legal, e depois, você me dá um iPad?

e um veterano ranzinza a uma semana da aposentadoria. Vai!

Porque se eu não tiver um gráfico, as pessoas que acabaram de ligar a TV...

Consegue passar um minuto sem fazer tudo ser a seu respeito?

sobre lésbicas aprendendo a reciclar.

e o círculo horrível continua! Meu Deus. Sou uma péssima mãe!

e alguém acaba de dizer a fala principal.

Sua história vai passar de geração em geração.

É como eu digo: ninguém sabe mais de frango do que um frango.

Eu devia ser a adulta aqui e sou toda complicada.

Princess Caroline, BoJack, Diane, and Mr. Peanutbutter learn some important lessons about love in the wake of a surprise birthday party.

Ah! Remember that time at Diane's birthday party

Ooh!

-What are you saying? -Vincent has a secret family.

I'm sure there's a simple explanation.

who knows what he's capable of?

He's, uh, looking for parking. He'll be up in a minute.

[phone] I am sorry to hear that, Todd.

Is it dragged or drug? Either way, drop dead.

-I'm a man-man. -Why didn't you tell me any of this?

And when you don't regret the tattoo in the morning,

-All this time I have loved you from afar. -We are from two different worlds.

Uh, could you get me a glass of water? All that talk of peeing made me thirsty.

-Vincent?! -Uh, could I have a chocolate, please?

Oh, ha, ha. Well, that's true. Okay.

[both phones] Kiss, kiss, kiss.

To love is to feel pain. I do not wish to feel this pain.

All right, this is crazy. What are we doing?

What are you saying?

still had a little spark of romance in it.

Ditto, most of my family.

Sure, it's great now.

So, the amazing thing about this gardener

[Wanda] You wouldn't have a bush of orchids.

So, on the drive home, he throws the bag of mulch

The confusion was about the joke not being funny.

-Maybe we should take a step back and-- -BoJack, watch out!

BoJack, we just hit a deer. We have to get him to a hospital.

-Oh, no. -...marathon...

If you don't wanna do this with me, wait in the car.

-Let us take you to the hospital. -I can't go back to no hospital.

and I know you're afraid. We're all afraid.

One day, the girl finds a box of old love letters from her high school boyfriend.

He'll think you're still in love with him!"

And he walks her to her door,

What? Oh.

Um, do you wanna talk about what happened?

And I said, "Well, I am." And you said, "I'm not so sure."

I believe you know lots of things.

for inviting all of your friends to an awesome surprise party?

What a monster.

Really? That picnic we had in the tea garden was about me?

Why does my birthday party have a ball pit?

Literally, there are balls all the way to the wall.

I don't wanna be a couple who fights at Starbucks.

I know you put a lot of thought into today and I appreciate that, really--

Would you believe I'm 35?

-Uh, what? -"Diane, I love waking up next to you."

of the most war-torn, disease-splattered corners of the planet

A funeral turns into a treasure hunt for the "Horsin' Around" cast, and a potential schmooze-fest for Princess Caroline and Mr. Peanutbutter.

I'm no good with funerals.

and you ended up wrestling on the floor over a telescope.

But if you're ever in New Mexico, drop me a line.

-[sighs] Think everyone here read my book? -I didn't.

No, but I do know a hot ticket, and this funeral's a real whom's-whom.

I don't want that. That's blood money.

Hey, this one's having a freak-out. She needs to lie down.

Now I got the biggest hardware store in Seattle.

Shove it up your ass with a spoonful of sugar,

I'm honestly so high right now, I don't even know where I'm looking.

Per the instructions of his last will and testament, I am to give you this disk.

Still, Herb thought me wise for some reason.

[rattling overhead]

I bet it's still in his old office. Unless somebody else moved in.

Wait, so you'd rather just stay at this funeral and be sad,

and nothing I do is gonna change that,

Your mom wasn't redheaded twins, right?

I'll let you get back to your business.

I used to volunteer with Herb at Habitat For Humanity.

What? I never knew you did that.

Wow, Herb kept all this old stuff.

but why would anyone do that? I'm sorry, I'm rambling.

I mean, I've never seen it. I assume it's about castles.

You got it. I won't let you down.

You just need to take this money and put it in that machine.

Looks like Herb set up a password.

Are they putting my baby into a car, then driving the car into a lake?

Hold on.

Okay? You two are family, whether you like it or not,

It's the address of a storage locker in Van Nuys.

Herb said, "Volunteering isn't about keys. It's about people."

Please tell us another story but with even more details.

Some kind of magical trash troll?

Right. Well, nerdy Steve Urkel invented a machine

So if I go through that magic machine, I'll become cool and confident?

Machine? Squirt me. Hi-yah!

Someone already got to Herb's gold.

I'm jealous. I wish I wrote it.

Look, the reason I called you is because I need a favor.

I said tomorrow, right?

To life, huh? It'll kill you.

So no one's read this book except for Henry Winkler

Something about a merger?

Yeah.

You know, a lot of people go their whole lives and they never give a damn.

And make sure you take a video, and I'll e-mail blast it to everyone here.

But we're not gonna let you steal his legacy, Henry Winkler.

Because it's terrible.

BoJack is drawn to the one female in town who has no idea who he is (because she was in a coma). Todd opens a theme park.

-Oh, yeah, that shut you up. -Sure did.

-I'm gonna build a Disneyland. -Sounds great, champ.

-Literally the first I'm hearing of this. -Anyway, tomorrow we open the gates.

Well, I think it's safe to take the cone off.

It's not an operation, but we could go to Storky's again.

Good thing you're getting a free sandwich, huh?

Because sometimes you wanna go where no one knows your name.

-What are you doing here? -Oh, my boss loves this place.

I hate to be the one to tell you this,

-Who? -BoJack.

[gasps] which, holy shit, they're flat now.

Oh, jeez, got a couple curly guys in here with the regulars.

Is that normal? Am I normal? What is happening to me?

but we wanted to work "death" into the title for liability reasons.

And here we have Cinderella's magical pile of used mattresses.

-Hey, Mr. Peanutbutter. -Hey, buddy. This place is amazing.

so I have the blah-blah-blah of first refusal or whatever.

'Cause if I am, you should be a lot more goddamn scared of me.

Who? [giggles] People are watching.

It doesn't just happen when you get famous.

Corona Light.

with this classic '50s hit that everybody remembers:

-Oh, no, not me. Her. -That's insane.

It's been really tough for me these last few weeks.

[both] Who? Jinx. Buy me a Coke Zero.

You think you can drop the jealous boyfriend routine? It feels a little done.

-That was a lie to get you here. -Aw, fish.

You do understand what my "thing" is with your boyfriend?

Slap my salami, the guy's a commie.

As it turns out, it's not legal at all. Who knew?

I'm just gonna throw this out there.

-What? -There's a typo. Di-isneyland.

Hooray! Gross miscarriage!

Actually, I did it.

You're not welcome at my theme park anymore.

If I could get everyone's attention.

-Why would you say "comrade"? -Oh, I forgot to explain that part.

No! He's-- It's not adorable!

-That's not even good wordplay. -Wait, how did you know all this?

I spent the last few days with, because if this is who you are,

Could you get me a beer from the fridge? I didn't want to stand up.

-Why am I so good at everything I do? -Hey, I got a crazy idea.

-Or a different support beam. -It's my fault.

[whistling]

No! Bees! Come on!

BoJack believes an upbeat attitude will change his life, but that attitude doesn't mesh well with his new acting job.

[phone ringing]

Todd, no one can wake anybody else up. You need to wake yourself up.

[panting]

And she had no idea that her boyfriend was the strangler.

- Thank you, Stuart. - Also, your coffee is coming late.

I'm glad you found your bliss, but are you ready for your first day on set tomorrow?

While I was tempted to go with the former, sometimes the only way out of a hole

- Gotta save the planet, Diane. - Hey, is that BoJack Horseman?

It is a new cone. Is it obvious I'm wearing a cone?

Hey, why don't we just us two schedj a hang for this 'kend?

All right, break a leg, good buddy. Diane, BoJack's ready to go.

- Hey, man. - Corduroy Jackson-Jackson.

- Are you my ex-wife's lawyer? - I'm Diane.

- Thank you. - What a cute funny face. Cookie?

and I just can't wait to tackle it head-on.

I'm incredibly disappointed. Boo!

This is also important.

Okay, here we go. Action.

When did you get here? Sorry, no. Got it. Got it. Got it.

[man 3] Watch out! [man 4] Hey.

and really figure out what we're doing

I wouldn't drink anything out of an open container. This town is full of AIDS.

- The T-shirt told me to "just do it." - Here we go.

That's why it's called the past.

That's what the old me would have said. The new me doesn't hold a grudge.

You gotta turn this ship around, BoJ. If you don't--

I need something to distract me from the thought of D-bags

Well, you were an actor for nine years on Horsin' Around. How did you do that?

Didn't I tell you not to invite your mom to the taping?

No one watches this show to feel feelings. Life is depressing enough already.

Oh, right.

What am I talking about? I can't run a textile plant.

And when the pressure's on, that's when I shine.

This is the machine that's gonna make you a good actor.

- Terrific. We got it. - One day, that's gonna be the job.

I don't know. I thought I wanted this, but now I'm feeling all this pressure.

You have a job to do.

and a sign is less likely to get distracted.

in the mid-aughts when America briefly lost interest in ska.

It's time to go home and sleep on BoJack's couch. Hurray!

Well, we got some new screen tests

This is one of those answering machines that sounds like it's Charley talking

[Rutabaga over phone] Carolyn.

I put that movie together for my client.