Aired 7 years ago - Apr 17, 2017
As the big premiere of the film about Caroline’s life arrives, the girls and the diner gang prepare for their night on the red carpet. Also, Caroline and Max contemplate their future at the diner and the states of their love lives.
'Cause I feel like doing it right now.
his sleeping bag and his shopping cart.
(gasps) Oh, my God, Brad Goreski!
Good call on the eyelashes.
those bitches will hunt you down.
I won't have to shave my pits for?
and afraid in this apartment.
Well, this is embarrassing.
Hey, do you style babies?
(rock music)
(gasps)
Is my makeup not perfect?
I've ever loved or let love me.
but the windows keep
going up on their own.
gonna eat the rest
of my coleslaw, do you?
(elevator bell dings)
Actually, we're just friends.
all these flashing lights right now?
I meant something... wow.
Look, it's kielbasa, your favorite.
Old Hollywood rule:
never follow sausage.
Hey, are we ready?
but I want to do it alone.
(camera shutters clicking)
- Max...
- (gasps)
Brad, a little help?
like, "Oh, surprise, Max, I'm here."
How did you know I was here?
Are you gonna give me a
reason you're so beautiful?
(derisive laughter)
You, sir, are unreliable.
We just opened offices in New York.
about us being in
different places in our lives?
- Oh, really?
- Really.
Here.
I don't want Barbara to
have any part of Hollywood.
Yeah, Steven Seagal has
a dress just like that.
You have been
really nervous about today,
Just a heads-up. I see London, I see...
Look, I'm flush with cash now
He's pitching his idea for
Hopefully, she'll be smart enough
It's retro, it's now,
It's from Max. It says,
You missed everything.
And as hard as I tried,
You stole an engagement ring?
Aired 7 years ago - Apr 10, 2017
The girls are excited when they are invited to a press junket to promote the film about Caroline’s life, but Caroline is shocked when her ex-boyfriend, Candy Andy, shows up. Also, Bobby gets jealous over Caroline and Candy Andy’s reconnection and asks the diner gang for advice.
you two can move on and
I can hire two waitresses
There's a giant hole in my grandma.
That's So Vanessa Robinson.
I'm being played by a woman?
There were two other orders
from customers in here.
Either way, she's not as pretty as you.
It says here you're being
played by Pete Chilton.
Oh, but there is one named Pearl,
to be separated from my twin.
And Candy Andy? Why is he in the movie?
All these reporters and
photographers remind me
If you think I don't already
have a buzz going at 11:00 a.m.,
a full can of Sprite
at my head last year.
so I'll give you a quick
rundown of what happens
Maggie won't stop calling me.
when Julia Roberts met Erin Brockovich.
And off.
Candy Andy!
Just can't keep your
hands off each other.
Oh, how about a picture of
you two for the photographers?
That'll be six... ehh, $27.
Let's just say I am way in debt.
or fat Jonah Hill trying to be serious.
Candy Andy is old news.
Since you don't have your own
character in Caroline's movie.
Is that hand on her
lower back or upper butt?
Can you at least give me
one thing of my own, Earl?
I have a question for Tess.
Caroline, no one's asked
you anything and they already
This is for Michelle, the young
lady playing the Han character.
Two dialogue coaches and a lot of wigs.
I miss you and your
adorable crooked smile.
Caroline Channing, you said
you own a dessert bar now?
So what do you think?
Why didn't I tell him?
You know, keep it casual.
He's over here.
But you don't need to be.
cancel the Mariachi band
I hired to serenade us.
When I rent a car, I
usually go with the Sebring.
♪ I'll be in my booth ♪
Uh, this might seem weird
or maybe just freaky enough,
Did I tell you that I got super rich?
He voiced a parakeet in Zootopia.
Aired 7 years ago - Mar 20, 2017
Caroline tries to embrace Bobby’s hobby of bowling, but she fears she is his bad luck charm when she accidentally injures his teammate’s hand and threatens their chance for a championship. Also, Max uses her bowling prowess to get onto Bobby’s team, and Sophie worries that baby Barbara might not be smart enough.
Tomorrow night? I can't.
Still nauseous.
And you're sure you don't wanna
I thought it would be more important
Oh, we didn't wear shirts.
And since I'm not ready
to try being on top yet,
Are we going to a
bowling alley or heaven?
Oh, my God, it's bowling!
Hi, girls.
Well, I did think it was
odd that he lived alone.
Thank you. I'm here to support you
Where have you been all my life?
Classy place. They had the same thing
than Chelsea Handler's memoir.
She was carrying a casserole bowl.
to drink a Sprite
through a wrapped straw.
We win that, we get to go to
the championships in Detroit.
Before I say yes, is there any way
Today's my birthday.
I'm one year cancer free.
If Frank does a good jobby,
I might just give him one.
Haven't we already been here two months?
would cover the stink
from the bowling alley,
Wow. Onto something interesting,
I didn't hear your hand stuff buzzer.
- Oh.
- Bobby, what are you doing here?
Please tell me that
wasn't his bowling hand.
Well, like I told the
producers of Deadliest Catch,
That is a very specific cheer.
The strike, I mean... what you're
doing now is very off-putting.
I wasted $400 in quarters
yesterday on this thing.
we've got a dream team here.
Great, and I'll play the
butler who doesn't show up.
I haven't been slightly
drunk in five beers.
Story of my life.
Eh, this was my pickle-snatching hand.
Wow, that was the
craziest woman's room ever.
On the bright side, maybe she's
not as dumb as you thought.
All right. I'll keep her entertained
Out of the question.
This one's just for show.
Not to stereotype, but look at you.
No. I can do the bowling.
Does she think rolling
the ball down the lane
Uh, gutter ball. Someone's dying alone.
Aired 7 years ago - Mar 13, 2017
When Caroline encourages Bobby's sister, Denise, to quit her job, the couple heads toward their first fight when Caroline realizes the company Denise works for is her mother's. Also, after Max reads a text on Bobby's phone suggesting he has a child
with his ex, Jessica, she and Han go undercover as an engaged couple to Jessica's wedding planning shop to find out the truth.
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-LESS
(phone chimes)
And why does Bobby have
a rose gold iPhone?
She is long gone, like my bangs
Share custody?
They brought back no cheese.
Just saying.
Well, now that Bobby's sister is here,
that's my time.
You know, tell him how you feel,
stand up for yourself.
Either way, I don't understand
why you gave him a dollar.
From my new best friend
Everything got blurry
after she touched my boobs.
I told you three times,
I don't fit up drain pipes.
to panic Caroline.
and it only made him richer.
Ugh, really wish Steve the Broom
didn't have Pilates at 4:00.
I didn't want you to date me
for the unlimited bubble wrap.
From Dunkin'!
Man, what's with all the yelling?
Caroline, we're not fighting.
Grab the popcorn from my purse.
by my great-grandfather
in his great backside.
Oh, you guys are so super cute.
Making fun of my size
is kind of our thing.
Something in the park,
whimsical of course,
about having a baby.
Mostly 'cause I
couldn't find the L train.
and scaring people.
Hmm, sometimes I'm not so sure.
I am obsessed with him.
Oh, I'm sure she can see we're in love
I'm just asking because
that's how I push him around.
with her pants down.
And the woman who keeps
taking my babies from me.
Also, I think your sister
may have broken my pinky toe.
Maybe I will.
It hit a little too close to home.
I'm 100% sure he has, had,
This really is the golden age of TV.
A baby? I don't have a... oh.
Because I was
respecting your boundaries,
Aired 7 years ago - Feb 27, 2017
When Han's new therapist suggests that Max needs to confront her "daddy issues" and fear of intimacy, she reluctantly heads to Rhode Island to track down her birth father with the diner gang in tow. Also, Oleg is up in arms when Sophie wants him to help out around the house.
If there was, why would
my daughter be married
Oh, I mean...
then I'm gonna tell you
what I said at the dog track.
I really wanted to get lunch
and some towels at Ikea.
that I had to listen to that
horrible phone conversation.
you're late for the diner,
Han, you are really
overstepping your boundaries,
He lives in Rhode Island,
which led me to the hall of records,
to find his number?
but I did find a bloody knife,
Uh, actually, I was thinking
I used my amazing jigsaw puzzle talents
Let me finish.
Maybe it'll explain some of the
more disturbing things about me,
You know you're off today, right?
I just swung by to...
to meet a friend...
Earl, why don't you come with?
Other looters got here first.
we can sit much further from the driver.
Oleg, shouldn't we be
getting off at the next exit?
Can't a woman just talk to you?
Okay, Misty.
It's illegal to kill
squirrels in the Ukraine.
when we arrive at our destination.
there'd be tons of other
rodents for him to play with.
My donut is covered
Uh, I'm just going in.
Maybe you do have daddy issues.
Oh, Lord,
Can you do that now?
No daddy, no daddy, no daddy.
You know, I was a cashier
you should get your chef
to make flapjacks like this.
so we can just have
one minute to ourselves?
Ooh, live one coming in.
I got it, hon. I'm in the industry.
I'm done now.
The squirrel is sleeping.
I heard traffic's building
up on all the expressways.
Maybe he's still gonna come.
And this way, I get to
imagine he's someone cool,
Aired 7 years ago - Feb 20, 2017
When Bobby invites Caroline to a party to meet his family, she is eager to make a good impression but isn’t prepared for the torch that his mother and sisters still carry for Bobby’s ex-girlfriend. Also, Caroline’s nerves are even more frayed when the diner gang decides to tag along.
Is it the same Pikachu mold
that you came out of?
I need to know for when I tell her
She's cool with you sleeping
with your friend Brian.
and bought her a lovely gift to bring.
And I think I maca-ruined them
And a short fence.
That's horrible.
Uh, I think that was
directed at you, Max.
and our Uber driver was on
the front end of a police chase.
(gasps)
Like Leonardo DiCaprio.
And I'm Caroline.
but I don't know if she
love-love-loved me.
Seriously, Bobby, if you
never invite any guys over,
I'm gonna go smoke a
J and do my jigsaw.
Jessica.
I'm sitting, but I'm lying down.
Only to cover a hole that
Denise punched in it...
And she was this close to
assistant manager at TCBY.
I think about her so little,
she might as well be AOL.
Bobby, stop standing
there staring at Jessica.
You might want to wash that alone.
(doorbell rings)
- (snoring) HAN: Oh, no, he's okay.
You see why we had to learn Navajo?
Bobby, I told you.
Well, you better be.
Well, since there aren't
gonna be any guys here,
Muscular? You're gonna have to point.
(whispering) Han, I need you
to flirt with Denise.
Jessica worked very
closely with the doctor
Well, there's no way they're
as good as this sauce.
Mmm, you know, I'm so full,
What's going on over there, Denise?
(whispering) There's a big hole
in our shower curtain.
I'll do it.
CHRISSY: Does anyone work here?
A truck hit a kid outside.
You'll never be Jessica, okay?
None of us will!
Give me a little of that.
It looks perfect!
I also noticed one in the birdcage.
Aired 7 years ago - Feb 13, 2017
As Caroline prepares for her third date with Bobby, she decides to spice things up by taking a burlesque class accompanied by a reluctant Max, who decides to give up sex in the wake of her breakup with Randy. Also, Max decides to take up a new hobby and goes golfing with Han.
have sex on the third date?
literally anybody.
although my Facebook IQ
test says I qualify as one...
My sex throne is yours now.
Han, Max is about to give up sex.
for Krav Maga.
I hope to God you know
what you're doing.
not Second-Hand Hose.
What can I help you ladies with?
Come on, Max, we both know you're not
then why did Larry Flynt
send me a gold watch,
Tastes have changed since
I got out of the game.
Oh, my God. Do I have to do that?
very in touch with my body.
That saddle looked
really good under you.
Without the fun.
and have a real foursome again?
because I have no idea
how to take off these pants.
My God, this is just like The Bachelor.
So tomorrow night's our big third date.
I'll do all the work.
If it's a cockatiel,
then I'm back in the game.
they're mine.
and my degree from Idu U?
looking like a slutty poodle?
since that pigeon flew into our fan.
Let's get started.
It's time to get sexy!
Sophie, what are you doing here?
still bring cocaine in your carry-on.
I'm so excited.
♪ He want that cake, cake,
cake, cake, cake, cake, cake ♪
After I dance is when we
usually lose most of the class.
(Rihanna's "Birthday Cake" plays)
♪ It's not even my birthday ♪
(Rihanna's "Birthday Cake" plays)
(music stops)
Well, your ass isn't getting past me.
I did do that. I did do that.
Well, unlike that guy,
Oh, yeah, that's
So tell me about this guy, Randy.
Hey, get your ass out
of my face, razor hips.
It's hot for no reason.
Duck, duck, goose! Wink!
(music stops)
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle,
wiggle, wiggle, Max out.
and these pants, as soon
as I can get them off.
Aired 7 years ago - Feb 06, 2017
Caroline is excited to go out on her first date with Bobby, but has nervous jitters when she realizes Max will be in charge of the dessert bar solo for the first time. Also, Sophie and Oleg decide to mix things up and try going out on a date instead of staying in.
I've also never flossed my back teeth.
Max will be running the dessert
bar and that'll be fine, right?
So it's gonna be an early spring.
Max'll be running the dessert
bar and that'll be fine, right?
and come say hi.
for a night date, like a person.
There's this new
theater that has couches
Paging Dr. Pringle, you're
needed in my stomach.
Follow up question: did I
or did I not start said fire?
He means, hey, girls.
who are sleeping together for warmth.
because of all the wild dogs.
Which is what my abductor said
No. You don't trust me.
Earl, you go AWOL more
often than Mischa Barton
And who told him about minimum wage?
I mean, I was a sorority sister.
Oh, sorority sisters, huh?
Wow, Caroline, you look beautiful.
till the morning after to take the pill.
I can handle a few sorority girls.
You guys should really
listen to each other.
Let me just call Max and tell her.
Uh, yes? A question
from a fellow cinephile?
Hey, great question about the fries.
You saw the dancing hot dog.
And then, so do I.
You guys brought Barbara
on your date with you?
Do you not like movies?
Uh, I got chicken hands!
Epsilon Phi until we die!
Can you do something?
Um, more shots.
How about you get back to work
You know, Caroline asked
us to check up on you
Are you really gonna let
the cast of "Pitch Perfect"
have to say something on Yelp.
Looks like someone's in the weeds
How long you been working
at this Fridays, sonny?
I'm sorry, Bobby, but you
know how turtles can sense
It's a killer. We almost lost our house.
You trusted Max. You should
trust your own instincts.
I know a great place.
Aired 7 years ago - Jan 23, 2017
When Max and Caroline get home from their road trip, Caroline discovers she likes the dessert bar renovations as much as she likes Bobby, the contractor on the job. Also, Max rushes to Randy's side when she hears he's in the hospital in New York City, and Sophie joins a mommy group that cares more about partying than baby talk.
her Uncle Fatso's genes.
I joined this mommy
support group, you know,
Well, I'm hosting,
no matter what baby
Barbara tells her friends.
I'm Maroline, and this is Cax.
I mean, what you did with those knobs.
I think she's about to
finish on the molding.
so he was telling himself.
"Ciao"?
Ooh, oops.
I got lost in Toronto.
We don't bring 'em to the meetings.
Wouldn't they love that?
What's up, sluts?
to have sex in front of it.
inspired me to make some
improvements around here.
Yeah, it looks like the
same old post office to me.
If you like him, why don't you just say,
Why are you making this so complicated?
She thought she was hosting
Wheel of Fortune in here.
all the force of my body against it,
See? Told you it was loose.
Not for you, Vanna Very White.
All I know is that it's
serious, and they called me
Yep, they're all there.
I'll take the rest of his
clothing off from here.
This is very An Affair to Remember.
Double date dance?
and as for your shirt,
What happened? Was it
a runaway hot dog cart?
Track me down, beg me to take you back,
He's got coconut oil all over him.
I want to get back to the dessert bar
Max.
and since we can't make
it work, it just... it's...
My therapist put me on antidepressants.
I ran to the airport
and got hit by a cab
and my nunchucks in a Safeway bag
Max, you know I can't
leave my firm in LA.
and these pants come off real easy.
There's nothing less sexual.
Good news is,
Why are you so sad, Caroline?
Yep!
Sophie, I wished my mom
cared enough about me
Aired 7 years ago - Jan 16, 2017
Max and Caroline get their big break when they're cast as zombie extras after they finally arrive at the movie set in Texas where Randy is working. Back at home, Han and Oleg try their hand at construction after they fire the contractor working on the dessert bar.
You're still splashing on your shoes.
two giant horns coming out of his head.
on No Way In Hell I'm
Telling You That Street?
This is Texas, not the
Flaming Saddles Saloon
We don't need him, Max.
I have a great idea.
Wow. I have an acting career
and I own a dessert bar.
You don't have to insult my sweater!
Is it on my testicle or just near it?
I can't stand the
sound of a crying baby.
a "Which Friends
character are you?" quiz.
I'm going over there.
It's an acting exercise, Max.
Everything is always about you.
I mean, your original
plan to "jump Dem bones"
Okay, extras, since
this is a zombie movie,
and the man who lives in booth two.
Was anyone recording
that for baby Barbara?
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
Are you sure you don't
have any non-zombie parts?
Here I come! I'm a zombie!
She can't even pretend
to laugh at my jokes.
So, David Spade?
and an interest in women
she's never acted on.
for her neighbor Sarah?
And what do you want?
so just go tell him
before he goes off again.
and a condom if you have one on you.
Han, hey, just a heads up.
Hey, what's going on here?
Oh, Oleg,
But she thinks I'm a mama.
Barbara just called you Dadushki.
Oh, Richie! How did you get here?
She must be going to ask the director.
I was wondering why I had to
play my whole family at dinner.
I'm not as angry.
She's hot. But I'm
just not dating anyone
She is just overwhelmed.
Yeah, Max is incredible,
You like it, though, right?
Aired 7 years ago - Jan 02, 2017
As Max and Caroline's road trip misadventures continue, their lack of money finds them stowing away and waitressing on a riverboat to New Orleans as Max tries to reach Randy in Texas. Back at the diner, Oleg and Sophie rake in big bucks when they sell pony rides with Chestnut.
Max, can we just go back to that
terrible place we call home?
If animals can all get along,
so can we.
They spent the $1,500 we had left.
Max, I am tired and I'm hungry
to my Words With Friends request,
I've got $11 in this one
I got to make a riverboat
I'm confused. Do you want hamburgers
what I'm positive will be my
sixth near-death experience.
[mimics Southern accent]
Well, I do declare
a "Whittle Your Own Banjo"
workshop at 5:00.
- [thumping]
- Come on, red!
and that's ah-not been a winner.
Pfft, like I'm gonna get it.
Something good did
come out of Chernobyl.
I don't think the "ew" was necessary.
Could you stop feeling
my ankle with your toes?
All right, place your bets.
The number of men who have flashed me
Yes, winners. We had four,
[mimics Sophie] "Hello, this is Sophie"
No, you don't, buddy.
this isn't my wheelhouse.
What's going on here?
is about to blackmail you.
Is there a problem over here?
Why don't I send a complimentary
bottle of champagne
Mm, great. What's the room number?
and try to drive the boat.
Well, she will.
I'll do over the shirt stuff.
that'll cheer me up right now.
It takes two to carry
the cocktail sauce lagoon.
- [gasps]
- Winner.
Also, I broke your satellite phone.
I'm trying to set up my
new wireless headphones.
Han, why are you taller
than the counter?
I was sick of being nose to butt
with everyone on the subway.
So...
So negative.
Hey! I was up next for Twister!
Aired 8 years ago - Dec 19, 2016
When Max decides to head to Los Angeles to win back Randy, she and Caroline embark on a cross-country road trip with Han at the wheel. Also, while Han and the girls are away, Oleg takes charge of the diner, and Sophie fills in as a waitress.
Does anybody know my password?
Yeah, if you're gonna
bring meatballs in there,
May I suggest
the Toyota Yaris I sold to Han?
or the easy way where
you do give me the keys
You should be fired for
what happened back there.
FYI, I managed a pretty
successful jerk shack for years.
I guess my only options here
are Oleg and Earl.
Or course I can!
Well, once we find an open airport,
than any season of
American Horror Story.
Han, there's a lot
of Goo Goo Dolls here.
Forever?
This movie's got such a large budget,
Manicured nail, no wedding ring.
It was used against me
Oh, he didn't get the funding.
She was a mean lady.
Can I take your order?
♪ Ba dup bop, Ba Du, yeah ♪
I screen-grabbed Randy's video,
for female friends of Randy
who are tagged in a photo of him
one of your long-winded anecdotes?
Really, who wouldn't
want to wear this skin?
I'll tell you what I told my prom date,
Oh, good, tinted windows
(laughs)
of America's OxyContin epidemic.
Oh, I can vouch for Han.
He's not a man.
You're not people!
You want me to heat it up?
I'm calling you a woman.
He blocked me on his phone,
and I am one diaper away
but underneath it all
is a scared little girl
Hey...
Man, being a Seal
really messed with my head.
I never had the guts to go for.
We're on a ghost plane? Awesome!
Caroline, look at the bright side.
Let me hear you say, "Yee-haw!"
I thought you said you didn't
pick up strange men.
Doesn't answer my question at all,
y'all don't have any blow, do you?
We're going down.
Or that part of the wing
that tore away?
(chuckles)
She thinks I'm going to heaven.
Hey, Sloppy, the sky is that way!
Aired 8 years ago - Dec 12, 2016
When a hurricane approaches the area, Caroline fears that a big divorce party she’s planning for a wealthy couple will get broken up when the unhappy pair get stranded in close quarters at the dessert bar. Also, Max worries that Randy really did
break up with her when she suspects he’s blocking her calls, and Oleg is jealous when Sophie is stuck at home during the storm with their handsome new "manny".
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-LESS
Isn't that the sweetest?
His eyebrows don't
even meet in the middle.
Max, are you gonna go out with Shane?
But, uh, didn't you guys break up?
I know I've been out of the game awhile,
I was unable to fix the drains!
Nope, just the shadow of
a child holding a lantern.
Let's go!
The one time I don't
want a text from Chili's.
for hell to freeze over.
And she thinks Matthew McConaughey
Okay, maybe save that for the toast?
but I think my boyfriend's here.
Craft beers are spilling everywhere.
Han, I have to get home.
Yeah, it is. Han, go with him.
Another hostage situation.
Am I sitting on a sack of potatoes?
and they hung us up from our genitals.
Sophie.
Yeah, oh, and tell the girls
that we brought Chestnut in.
Well, what do you think happened to it?
There's wine. There's a storm.
What am I gonna do?
Just go anywhere?
that is a flashlight in my pocket.
Max, please tell me they make
Caroline and Han are really
getting at it over there.
Your thumb was all over the place.
you know what strippers
I want at my funeral.
This is turning into a
real "will we or won't we?"
Drive through Syria!
And birthdays coming up? Graduations?
risking getting electrocuted
by downed power lines.
First rule, have sex with
her big-mouthed sister.
You know, people are saying
we're starting to look alike.
I am calling him.
Maybe Snapchat got it wrong
'Cause it wasn't my
phone. He did block me.
Why don't you go check
for flooding, old man?
and stayed the hell away.
Oh... Oleg, you're here!
I didn't want to be in
the hurricane without you.
Oh, my God,
Aired 8 years ago - Dec 05, 2016
When Randy and Max get tired of Caroline being the third wheel on their FaceTime dates, Randy sets her up with one of his co-workers. Also, Oleg is distraught when Sophie tells him to trade in his beloved car for a minivan.
And I'm pretty sure
he's my Secret Santa.
Don't engage.
Oleg, Han is looking for you, man.
Oleg, did you really think
you could pass this off as you?
It's a minivan.
Oleg, all we have to do
now is sell the Yaris.
♪♪
Guilty as charged.
Uh, nope. My boyfriend's in my purse.
Don't worry, it's on me.
Either Cookie Crisp or
Cinnamon Toast Crunch.
We're holding hands.
There's an outlet on
the wall right there.
You guys are so much
cooler than the last couple
You guys didn't tell me
there was fennel in these!
Um, you know you're smiling.
Um, you know you're smiling.
Um, you know you're smiling.
Um, you know you're smiling.
Um, you know you're smiling.
for saying "making love."
- Erotic awakening?
- No, it had nothing
And I'm kind of sick of licking my iPad.
Ah. Baby Barbara loves that.
Oh, no.
But I tried.
Who had "never"?
Oh, this is tougher to take than
the success of a close friend.
is our lunch for the week.
I believe that's my FedSex delivery.
Unbelievable!
Do you guys need this outlet?
That sounds great, but
maybe some crackers first.
I'm just mad you're not coming.
All right, my phone's at 23%.
Who are you trying to punish here?
This whole place is a
bathroom. Start talking.
Continue, Tyler.
over seeing where things...
what was that, Tyler?
Are you ever gonna move to New York?
dropping in the toilet.
Max, you and Randy just broke up.
Aired 8 years ago - Nov 21, 2016
Max and Caroline’s dessert bar business booms when they hire Clint, a popular bartender, but the girls need to intervene when Han becomes addicted to the mixologist’s potent cocoa powder in his signature cacao drink. Also, Han enters a duck stamp-drawing contest, and glamour eludes Sophie as she adjusts to being a mom.
You were great, but your "one
for them, one for me" policy
Haven't you seen a
stroller in a bar before?
with the way I look, Caroline.
Max, we're doing really well,
Have you tried dirty talk?
I'm ready for a change.
You know what?
I know you have a wedding next month.
Come on, Max,
let's go get our manicures.
This is probably the closest
any of us will ever come
Hi, could you bring me a water, please?
Flat-chested.
Look at all the
practice ducks I've drawn.
All I have to do now is color it.
Clint gave me a couple grams
before he left last night.
Why are you rubbing it on your gums?
If I cut my gums...
Well, I'm telling Clint I love him.
I hope they're never expecting Barbara
Sophie, why didn't you
come with us to the nail place?
Oh, I'll be Caroline's age by then.
If it isn't, you're in for a very
And breasts.
He's cut off.
Clint, don't you dare sell it to him.
of True Detective.
Max, I just gave a good-bye speech
But what about his following?
I'll just get back behind the bar.
I've seen her make opium out of
poppy seed bagels and a Lacroix.
Yoo-hoo, Mr. Drug Dealer!
Would it matter?
You're selling chocolate.
I wish.
- Hey, Earl!
- Hey, Bill!
I'm this close to
main-lining Tootsie Rolls.
And I'm just too tired.
of their tomato bisque,
so there's no turning back.
To these nails.
You know, fine!
No.
Just look at Neil Patrick Harris.
you're making a lot of sense, girl.
Good to be back.
Aired 8 years ago - Nov 14, 2016
When the girls take a bartending class in order to add cocktails to their dessert bar menu, Caroline must think quickly when she has to take the class exam solo after Max gets chicken pox from Han. Also, Sophie creates a creepy lookalike video monitor doll to keep tabs on baby Barbara.
how to make the stuff on the menu.
I don't drive for them anymore.
Ahem! (clears throat)
Not that your
"cigarette butt and tonic"
You didn't say anything about G'doinks.
Man, this baby's more full of crap
No, no, it's been
yelling at me all day.
Asked and answered.
It's hooked up to an app in my phone.
Look, she's like my twin,
Uh, actually, the medical
bills are piling up, Sophie.
Oh, my God, Han.
Welcome to the Dinersburg Williams.
Han looked pretty unsteady.
but gum, please?
Maybe we should sit
at separate workstations.
Wharton was my safety school.
two of whom have diarrhea.
Now, you're probably all wondering,
He hasn't asked it yet, ass-kissers.
She didn't raise her hand.
This is crazy; no one
has called me in six years.
That was the first
homework I've ever done.
For the first time in my life,
I want to learn goodly.
And I think this is gonna be
the first time I don't get one.
Most of my tests just had
"see me" written at the top.
I know the bloody part is tomato juice,
Um, that was clam juice.
so I disconnected her app.
starting to have feelings for it.
Speaking of creepy dolls come to life.
Well, find a nice subway
bench to curl up on.
Max, I think you have chicken pox.
If I get my mittens on him,
I'm gonna tear him
And thanks for letting me crash here.
but I wonder if I can get
your whole body in there.
Don't stop till I get enough.
A bottle of chardonnay and then
a fat guy that makes her laugh.
and now I have a Saturday night.
Wow, maybe we did switch bodies.
Hey, where's Max?
I brush her hair and it calms me down.
I see you and Julie both
The first drink I have
to make is a Negroni.
Did you even go to kindergarten?
No, no, no, not you.
I can't read a thing. How is this okay?
(hair dryer blowing) Aah!
Aired 8 years ago - Nov 07, 2016
Earl becomes concerned he may not be able to keep up when his long lost sweetheart, Pilar, visits from Cuba, and wants him to take her sightseeing around the country. Also, Max must decide whether it’s time to take her texting relationship with Randy to the next level.
Do you think I can
use dish soap on these?
We are not in a relationship.
You're not the DirecTV lady, are you?
Um, when was the last time
you saw this "Big Earl"?
Earl!
And you are beau-ti-ful.
I wouldn't have thrown
away Sophie and Oleg's
He wants more.
Ah, see? Nothing.
You know what they say.
Wait a minute. I got something.
I don't know what to say to him.
'cause it doesn't have any burps in it.
'Cause my left arm is tingly.
Let's just put it on Han's side.
for you got a third shirt.
I am, but what if he
doesn't want me to come?
Ugh, it matches my duct tape shoes.
Whoa, simmer down, Lonely Island.
Do you need your Walker, Earl?
I'm losing interest real fast here Han.
What have I done?
We'll just frost over the crime.
Relax.
Han!
Not much, but something.
to the shift meal. Thoughts?
We put it on your side of
the shelf and now it's gone.
You've got nothing on me.
could have snuck in
here without us knowing?
Yeah, me and the ice queen.
I have 60 "just checking
in" voicemails on my phone
I don't want to jump to conclusions,
We know you killed our cake.
Which I'm assuming is Mattel.
Ah, I guess she likes to
hear other babies in danger.
Yeah, I, uh...
Too much Africa stuff.
This is why I'm not
going to the airport.
I'd always have wondered
what could have been.
can I catch a ride
with you to the airport?
Well, that's just weird.
Aired 8 years ago - Oct 31, 2016
When Caroline and Max are invited to speak about their business at Caroline’s alma mater, the University of Pennsylvania, Max takes the opportunity to give Caroline the college partying experience she never had. Also, Oleg’s attempts to bond with
baby Barbara are rebuffed by a possessive Sophie, and Han practices his magic tricks with a reluctant Earl as his assistant.
MORE
-LESS
and they say it's very important
for a dad to bond with his baby.
This wasn't a Virgin Marski situation.
I'm gonna follow her.
You haven't heard her Wharton song.
Hi, I'm "Partner."
Penn, the University of Pennsylvania.
I can get your email from the website.
Like when I threw away those
bath salts to save your life.
Emphasis on the package.
Oh,
Like whackadoo.
Why can't he be more
like the men in Poland?
but Oleg's not wrong here.
She's just excited to be here.
I was an RA when I went to school here.
but a hookah pipe did take flight.
She's fun.
Tonight needs to end with
us driving a police car
I'm not organizing your shower bucket.
Who are these people?
You're sweet, Junior
I lost Sophie again.
I have my own problems. I
don't know where the RA is,
She says fathers aren't
equipped for the job.
You remember when I told your date
Who's the buzzkill now, bitches?
This was the compromise.
and make out with those dudes.
Max, I know you were mad
You were the only one upset about it.
You're lucky. I have last night,
Sorry we're late.
Wow, you made out with half
the people in this room.
in the back of my car,
there's no R in wash.
but the smartest person I know,
This woman is the reason I'm here today.
never sicker.
get high on your own supply,
She went back and got her
degree in "Make-out Slut."
Aired 8 years ago - Oct 24, 2016
Oleg and Sophie’s plan to have Max and Caroline as Barbara’s godparents is derailed when Oleg’s domineering mother, Olga, arrives from the Ukraine for the baby’s baptism and fires Max and Caroline from their godparent duties.
Like Pilates, only
instead of rubber bands
Oh, and this is Earl.
He runs the register,
I'm only asking 'cause I forgot.
All right, no, I get it. I'm very hip.
How can you listen to
that accent all day long?
You know, I would have
named her Bohuslava.
Great, I'm really looking
forward to owning
This is Father Kozac.
And also because most
Ukrainian women are bald.
you hand me the baby...
Excuse me, do you know
what a baptism is?
One of those times was
because an owl got in there.
Oh, Santa Claus?
You are not fit to be my
granddaughter's godmommies,
Hey, girls.
since you're not scream-crying at us.
I got it down to 500.
everything will go back to normal.
And if you think that
you are gonna have sex
but those are my kettle bells.
Bye.
again last night.
Why not steal holy water from a church?
Nice jug.
as is Altar Boys to Men's next gig.
Pretty sure someone
Men in Black'd me in 2008.
but third grade is where
the real sinning began.
Much nicer than
the church/slaughterhouse
I'm just glad I look good in red.
I'd be insulted if that wasn't
my third favorite movie.
Max and Caroline, yeah,
as Barbara's godparents,
It's my fault you're having
You can call me Uncle Han,
the Han-ster.
She can tell that she avoided
an eternal hell fire.
They don't even have nunchucks.
My friends and I like to dress
up and put on pretend baptisms.
the godparents, and so do I.
Aired 8 years ago - Oct 17, 2016
Max and Caroline’s plans to attract a more sophisticated clientele to their dessert bar take a turn when Max befriends a bouncer whose team of arm wrestlers becomes their latest patrons. Also, Max and Randy continue to text each other, but when she runs out of sexy messages to send him, Oleg offers to be her ghost writer.
There better be a cartoon baby
most disturbing of all, our drain.
Uh... yeah.
for being, quote, "just disgusting."
in my pants"?
IDs, please?
lots of discresh income?
I found Carmen Sandiego.
Jake, you've met.
My gay guys at 12:00.
It's my cheat night,
Charlene's in the house!
boom!
How? How... how?
Ladies, what is this
her WWE Raw crowd to
never come back to our bar.
Oh, my God. Everything is turning me on.
See, that's already better
than anything I have.
And as soon as he realizes he's outside,
And why don't you
just buy another stool?
I don't know how it's possible,
Max, it's been two nights in a row.
From a helmet they brought with them.
Everybody!
Look, miss, I am extremely pro-lesbian.
Wow, that's freeing.
Will you at least order some drinks?
Yes, that is true.
Huh? Who's it gonna be?
She is gonna take you down
Max, I'm losing it!
The only place it would
fit was the car wash.
And I think you know I'm
being quite generous there.
you had a billion dollars,
Why are you bringing the
Ninja Turtles into this?
Okay, fine. I'll give it a shot.
Aired 8 years ago - Oct 10, 2016
Max deals with the aftermath of her breakup with Randy, Sophie and Oleg prepare for the birth of their baby and Han vows to take side jobs in order to take back full ownership of the diner.
'Cause either way,
nobody wants to make love
I guess that's because we made it up.
He looks nothing like my Randy.
Or an artisanal pickle maker.
Anyway, uh, since I changed
psychopharmacologists,
Why do all my enemies
have to be geniuses?
I picked up a shift so I
could pay you two shrews faster
in the hallway is thriving.
Yeah, and he tried to sell me
a time-share in the Poconos.
Uh, she's got a point there, Caroline.
Everyone just calm down.
Is not coming because I made
a tiny mistake on the forms?
I was in a fort made out
of pillows most of July.
A lot of persons do that.
This line is for
municipal licenses only.
Don't be crass, Caroline.
or a seat filler on The View.
I would make us a drink but
without a liquor license,
This ain't outside liquor.
It's from the diner.
reserving the right to
not serve those persons
I think my water broke.
You know I see dead people.
A teddy bear doesn't
count as carpooling, lady!
No Golishevsky man has ever been there
I'm gonna give birth
to this baby in style.
and the other one over
there are the godparents.
and he asked me to give
him a Rum Tum Tugger.
I don't care what kind
of disease they have.
You can't make me. No, wait a minute.
Did you get me my room back?
Someone needs to control
the hallway people.
boom!
I'm still tweeting that she's coming.
She kept saying,
"Where's Doctor Gomulka?"
Nurse, I need something
to cut the umbilical cord.
Maybe Oleg didn't miss it.
paid for her Jujubes
with a third-party check.
with your gorgeous penis!
Oh, my God. All right.
before you start giving her bad news.
The diner is next door!
What's up, Double C?
Daniel.
Twice by the same girl.