Big Mouth

I'm kind of in a relationship right now.

Ugh, but Matthew's gonna think I'm so corny.

But next time, please communicate your appreciation through text

That selfish little prick can rot in hell with my parents.

Nick. Oh, chic jacket, mon frère!

- a treat that every child enjoys. - Uh, what's that now?

Oh, well, I mean, yes, that could be a part of it,

Come on, it's just a casual conversation.

And I love you, but I need to be who I am, not just at school, but also here at home.

Matthew, step out of the room.

Really try to understand what it's like to be them for a moment.

Of course, great.

That's right. You don't want any part of what's in here.

It was like American Psycho, but without the charming references to Phil Collins.

Well, then my job here is done.

Help me, Knights of St. Joseph. What the hell do I do?

But, like, what if I put my heart out on the so-called symbolic limb

Andrew, I wish I could help you feel better.

My evil future self has taken over my body.

There, that's better.

Oh, thanks, Dad. I'm gonna hit you again.

I should pay you for this. I'm starving!

There's only one Nick, and he has always been a selfish jerk!

- Now, Nick is a prick! - Yeah.

Hold on, all this time, you've been bothering Nick too?

A surprise drop-by, how unwelcome.

Come on, tell him. Tell him how gay you are.

Because... I'm gay.

and she might need more time to wrap her head around this.

No, it's for easy access, Duke. I'm going back in.

Oh, shit!

You're a ghost.

Thank you, Jessi.

Is it? Is it?

And I definitely want that recipe for that salad dressing.

but I didn't say "I love you" back because, as history has proven,

Oh, yeah, he cruised right into my sloppy ass.

If you can't say "I love you" the second I say it to you,

You ain't the home screen on his phone anymore!

What? No, why would you say that?

- Nick Birch? - I-It's me. I think I'm okay.

But I'm not going anywhere, Jessi.

But don't worry, I'm in good hands.

Oh, yeah. Wild stuff.

Ooh, wait a minute, though. I gotta go get my nails trimmed.

Yeah, I know! It's like a dick, but inside out.

Yeah, well, that seems really cool.

- so you really gotta reach up. - And they like that?

All right, Jay, the time has come...

If it's not, I'm gonna probably go crazy.

This isn't feeling good. Stop it! Stop!

Why would I talk to you about your own body?

Okay, I'm just gonna shove my way through!

Can you do a small circle? Faster! Faster!

May I return the favor, Jay-zilla?

Please respect my privacy

Love you, sweet pea!

'Cause I feel fucking fat.

You know how straight people are.

- What if I don't wanna do any of it? - You have to do it.

So when the Bible was happening, the prophet Abraham was like...

He liked guys, and they put him in jail for it.

And then the laws started to change, so now we have

and it's our duty! Right?

Sure. And maybe after that, we can clean up the carpet where you spit.

"Can't wait to jerk you off on my timetable."

Holy shit.

right after Jessi said you were a bad person who couldn't fuck!

Allow me to show you the Glouberman method.

Double-check the lock.

Yes, of course! Well, why would you even ask that?

- were you gonna fully cum in front of me? - Yes.

When you wanna jerk off,

Oh, for fuck's sake!

It's Skip.

I told you, he who cums without discipline invites chaos.

Gayle, it all started when my husband Devon divorced me

Well, I don't like that. But I do like the frenching.

I mean, "blue balls." Is that really a thing?

- Listen... - You want to go to urgent care?

He's in ninth grade, he expects these things.

If blue balls hurt that much, why can't he just jerk himself off?

Next stop: blue balls ward.

You're literally an enormous hand.

Okay, so blue balls actually seems like a huge fucking deal.

Just zone out, Anthony his wiener, and think about lunch.

Hello. You must be Jessi. I'm a penis.

That stupid thing boinged back up!

Rip his throat out with your teeth, Jessi!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go finish myself off.

If anybody knows about not wanting to stroke dick, it's got to be Shannon.

♪ Oh, in my life ♪

Connie, this is a lot.

And as soon as he showed up,

cola-and-potato-chips-rah-rah- at-the-baseball-match type of thing.

Wow! So many people here to celebrate my birthday.

Am I also supposed to care about Hurricane Katrina or Columbine?

Maury, come on. We're leaving.

I don't wanna look great,

I'm voiced by a white actress who's 37 years old.

Well, it would be nice to see my cousin.

- Guys, over here! - New York Jessi!

- Sorry, some of us are feminists, so... - Time's up!

Yeah, I actually do know. We made out once, so...

Yeah, who does this delicious piece of shit think he is?

One says, "Kill your television." That's cool.

about sneaking away from a field trip!

Well, it's a little tricky, but let me break it down for you.

♪ And I'm a master of the dial ♪

♪ Just a skinny Kenan Thompson, ma'am ♪

he could go swimming in the reflecting pool.

Yeah, and 'cause I ate too many commemorative keychains.

This is the worst day of my entire life.

He can call you whatever he wants.

Hey! I don't come to your dick and slap the house out of your mouth!

And Nick, he doesn't like Jessi's boyfriend.

Oh, wait, here's my student film I did when I went to Columbia.

Again, did you say "butt fucking"? Or are you saying "buck fucking"?

Devon isn't set to Nick Cannon.

- Oh, that's true. - We gotta know about the Beatles,

not an episode of Dear White People.

You think Ryan Coogler sounds the same at a cookout in East Oakland

Oh! I did it!

So what do you think?

when you saw Jessi making out with that international hunk of mancakes.

Why not? I know you're her hormone monstress!

You're the only one who's mad. Andrew likes it.

You're just pissed off because I have somebody, and you don't!

Yeah, and I can't believe I said the p-word.

Aw, thanks, Missy.

Those pictures of you are great.

...don't get to tell me how Black I am!

You don't go to school anymore. You don't have friends!

No, those are my favorite smells. You know that.

Are you, like, breaking up with me right now?

Okay, fine.

Hey.

No, no, Andrew. Here are the words you say:

Eh, nope. What's new and popular?

♪ Cafeteria Girls Life is their tray-hey-hey! ♪

You know, I was just reading that raisins are dried grapes.

I'd give you my notes, but I've drawn some very upsetting things

-six months older than you! -What?

I don't know. I guess I really do think

Welcome to eighth grade, you girlbosses.

I also won the New York City Marathon

And I was there teaching gymnastics.

Okay. Um, hey, Andrew,

-Do you guys have plans after school? -Um...

Ah, this one's got a little head on her shoulders.

Math is my thing.

This class is way too hard.

Um, I'd rather tell it to you in private later.

I know it's not, like, PC to say, but I am enjoying dating younger women.

-Izzy, be cool. -Okay. I am.

Yeah, that's what couples do in eighth grade,

We're in, and we're totally gonna win this thing, ya turds!

A big pile of napkins for Steve!

Hey, guys, we're here at Starbucks with our seventh-grade honeys!

Oh, shit, is everyone gonna think I have herpes now?

Kill the boy and fuck the parents.

♪ This is really happening, Lord ♪

And you're lying to everyone, and so you're going to have to remember

Oh, my God. I still have his earlobe in my locket!

-No, you do not! -I don't know if I do.

Really? I like how she sings everything.

How many times do I have to tell you, it's hot that you're old!

I guess I had no idea you had so many feelings.

I intentionally tripped a kid on the playground.

Yeah, I bet it was. Did he fucking die?

Did you meesh me?

You guys are literally on our show.

- They don't have a ceiling. - That's right, bitch!

-And you know what we learned this week? -Uh...

-That's not gonna fly here. -No, I tried really hard!

Oh, you're gonna shuck this boy's nuts out of his sack

I mean, the main characters are kids, but the show is so filthy.

-What? -Bad girl.

♪ I'm going through changes ♪

They got so many serums and lotions and potions.

Okay, let's start with this sheet mask.

-What are you talking about, Milk? -I'm just saying it plays music.

But first, I'm meant to introduce you to a new camper.

Say something already!

I'm simply gonna open up the floor for a free-for-all,

Oh, God. This is a disaster, but don't cry.

I'm coming, toilet.

I can't believe we're spending the summer at a public pool.

Matthew said you kissed him like you were trying to push his tongue out a window.

-I don't know. -Me on you? You on me?

I think you'd be a better bottom because of how bisexual you are.

Okay, Steve, I've got this. You two, no fighting in the pool.

Please don't make me spend the summer with Nick.

Bye, sweetie. Don't try anything.

Wait... Gabe?

Well, to me, Connie, that sound like a compliment.

Ooh, I want that coat!

No! Stop it!

She never said anything nice to me, and karma's a bitch.

-Oh, Nick! -What are you doing here?

Dude! You're school "me"!

Not as many people sucking their dad's dick around here these days.

Uh, I'm making a bomb by pouring Baba Booey boner pills

Good call.

Now let's make like a tea bag and bob around in the water for a bit.

Yeah, cool, thanks. Great catching up.

Um, idiot, that was a lie I told 'cause I was addicted to porn.

No way! I bought her one of those Green Egg barbecue smokers.

Sounds like your grandma stayed fertile for a long time.

And so do I! To help me get out of these water skis!

And now something that's been, like, bugging me for almost minutes.

Is that, like, when the same actor plays twins in a movie?

So did you, like, already know last summer?

-Hey, I get it. -Huh.

Fuck you! I was gonna make you such a man.

But if you stayed, we could suffer together

Ah, it's okay. I'm not worried.

Get in there! Be a little knife and stab their conversation.

-Yeah, dude. -I'm not the asshole.

Fuck you! Fuck you both!

how those two skeletons we found were hugging each other.

I get it. You guys are digging us a giant toilet. Thanks!

I want you to protect the shit outta me.

But the second cup we're gonna hide up in the rafters.

What? Who said that?