Big Mouth

When a freak storm gives everyone new superpowers, tensions between Andrew, Nick and friends boil over into an epic showdown.

A provocative school musical unleashes Missy's inner thespian -- and her new Hormone Monstress. The "Queer Eye" Fab Five pay a visit to Coach Steve.

I can totally picture a lady's hand on the Bible.

I got this test tomorrow.

And he's a guzzler, I can tell.

that's around when I, quote, "lose time."

- You're clearly suffering from ADHD. - Well, do you think he needs therapy?

I'm sorry, I'll be quiet on the ride to school, I swear.

Jessi, be a dear and press right in the meat

- You're the smartest person in our grade. - Yeah, well, I'd be...

That Jay is not the real Jay. That Jay is an impostor.

said my lobes were too tough for their fucking machine.

Maury, I love you, but not now.

Oh, shit!

Why don't you just give up?

I'm gonna eat peanuts.

I filled out a lot of the bubbles halfway so they'd have to call me later.

It makes me feel like I have the best body in our grade, in my head.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You give me money for the Adderall?

You couldn't dazzle a tribe of monkeys with sleight of hand

I'm tempted, but addiction runs in my blood.

Okay, FDR introduced the New Deal in 1933 for what reason?

Maury, I need your help.

- So will you help me? - Okay, fine.

By the end of the semester,

No, I think it's just you, Magoo.

- has their thumb on the scales? - I know.

but now I need to go to sleep.

...the test is no longer an issue, right?

Oh, no. You've got Cheater Peter.

Jay, you've got more testing tomorrow.

Hot water is weird, and I don't know why you like it so much.

So you moved into a new house that's full of love,

- and watch Amazon Prime together. - Okay.

Stay in bed until your sweatpants smell like an animal shelter.

and now I'm selling them, so it's no big dealio.

You wanna watch this targeted ad for machine washable rugs?

Who's Barbara Buatois?

- Barbara Buatois? - Barbara Buatois.

Jay, don't sell your last pill.

Here we go. It's show time, baby.

No. Uh, no!

You are smart, you know who you are, and you can do this.

Now answer C for everything and let's get the fuck out of here.

OK, I get it, but, like, are you my city councilman or something?

and now my eyeballs are poppin' out of my head.

tell him Lola's mom says, "What's up?"

to the Fearless Flyer Academy.

Yeah, but they don't need to know that now,

A big standardized test sends everyone into a panic -- except for Jay, who just scored an Adderall prescription.

The pansexual thing sounds intriguing. Could you speak to that some more?

okay, or a burrito that's transitioning into a taco, comprende?

- There was a child stripper. - Ew.

I'll give you two words. Three... somes.

Is it okay if we French kiss in front of you?

Oh, they're not fun. There's so many variables.

- like, a sexy friend. - Hand on arm...

'Cause these lists ain't woke, they're gross.

These lists are so not cool, and I'm sick of the boys objectifying us.

who, let's change the subject, is doing some solid reporting.

I would never make a list like that.

Just, you know, trying something different.

- Oh, my God, I'm so in. - Fuck it, me too.

♪ The ghosts of Richard Pryor And Marlon Brando ♪

they might've liked to have done it openly while they were alive.

Ugh.

- Really? - I like a little rascal I can bat around.

Cat medicine and a white onion, sweetheart.

Let me see that tail.

The number one ranked boy is Devon and the number one girl is Ali.

You have to... scroll down.

- Interesting. - I might've glanced.

- Jay. This is a closed set. - I jack down to girls and boys.

We have got to put a delay on these broadcasts.

- Biami is not a real place. - See, Caleb gets it.

you thought it was so cool.

- Oh, good Lord. - So... are you, like, into either of us?

- How do you like it? - Like... Like... Like...

It's your perfect woman.

- They're making everybody feel shitty. - Darn tootin'.

♪ I must have traded my heart For funny and smart ♪

♪ Well, they oughta be crown' me the king of cool ♪

- ♪ How great I am? ♪ - ♪ Why does nobody get it? ♪

You stolen my hairstyle, you copy cow.

Why don't you go talk to a high-school man?

- Oh, she loves you, Andrew. - No, no, down, down.

I'm the number one boy in the grade. Swag.

Oh, my God, that's bullshit.

with your pansexuality and your smooth skin

But if you don't wanna get married

Totally. Hey, have you seen Devin's sister? She is so wasted.

And if I can't see that, well, then, maybe I'm the monster.

Yes. Because you'd be the only one on it.

I am 60 years old. I remember when Moses was president.

Are you kidding? Do you have any idea why I left my old school?

you wanna squeeze my dong so hard that I shit myself.

As the friends feverishly swap lists of the hottest kids at school, newcomer Ali stokes the flames by announcing she's pansexual.

Pianist... penis, vagina... Hold on!

I'm going home to get fucked by my lady companion, Ernestine.

You playin' baseball?

Eventually I stopped hitting baseballs and started hitting puberty,

in the Red Wedding episode of Game of Thrones?

The only holy trinity I was interested in was tits, clits, and ass.

I just can't believe Duke's mom cock-blocked him like that.

he was the butler for Lee Daniels the doctor.

Honestly, you're not workin' with a lot.

Ooh, I once fucked a Dr. Scholl's gel insert.

Not a chance.

Me. I'm the butler. This guy. These two thumbs. Butler thumbs.

- I love you, Mother. - I love you too, my prince.

Now, that is a definitive source for the history of jazz.

♪ The trick is to say the word "Citibank" Into their goosh ♪

Well, Jay, racism has always been a problem.

Next stop, Atlantic City.

But the only job they let me have was as a lowly dishwasher.

All right, we're sneakin' in through the kitchen,

talented musicians, and one of those guys wearin' a pickle barrel on suspenders.

Edward, that is the corniest line I ever heard.

Ragtime?

Yeah, I love ragtime.

Ruff-ruff. Ruchshund. Dachshund.

Mr Brooks? Sir? My name is Edward Ellington.

A poon tune. A quim hymn. A nasty set to make 'em soppin' wet.

Oh, no. This marks the beginning of World War Cum.

- Oh, the farm? - Yeah, that's right.

♪ Your cookies are the talk Of the neighborhood ♪

I'm sorry, everybody.

Anyway, I had to play my music somewhere,

I got a song like that.

- She fuckin' slayed you, man. - I didn't belong anywhere.

♪ The ghost of Harriet Tubman ♪ Yeah!

Well, when I escaped the plantation

to wantin' to play piano in a dirty club

I wasn't proud of bein' a slave, and I was ecstatic to be free.

You sure about this, Edward? The poon tunes were workin' so well.

I'm Teddy Roosevelt, and I suffer from water polio,

Duke! Duke! Duke!

Well, the sophisticated girl was...

I'm smug, and I like to punch myself in the chode.

- Oh, it's all up here, Duke. - No it's not.

The ghost of Duke Ellington takes Nick and friends on a journey back in time to 1913: the year he lost his virginity and found his true calling.

I'm going home to get fucked by my lady companion, Ernestine.

Hey, what are you guys up to?

Eventually I stopped hitting baseballs and started hitting puberty,

What if I told you that everyone dies

but I was busy praying for cooze.

Not that Lee Daniels, Lee Daniels' The Butler Lee Daniels,

Oh, no, I was gonna say a doctor's daughter?

And don't forget about summer blow jobs, fellas.

You can help work for Dr. Lee Daniels' The Butler.

and thought me goin' to Atlantic City was a good idea.

Remember, Edward, when you're out in the world,

- "jass" with two Ss, had already began... - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

And if you ever wanna have sex, you'd better learn how to do it.

Wait, so people were racist even back then? Shit.

And the tunnel is a pussy. Am I the first guy to think of this?

I headed over to the Plaza Hotel to get a job as a bellhop.

All right, I'll come along. For the fanny, not the pianny.

The room was alive with gorgeous people,

♪ That's why men clipped them To their undies ♪

We got five crisp ones on ragtime.

I needed to know how Harvey played the piano like that.

Ain't that right, ladies?

Eight strong minutes. That includes the walk.

Ah. I can't feel my balls!

Oh, okay. It's just that I've been holding it all summer.

Edward, I will not have that heathen music in my house.

I have a unique perspective inner voice...

Shit, I wanna switch my money to the pool hall girl.

- Please. - Uh-oh.

- Interesting. - It's heartbreaking.

Harriet Tubman was gonna be on the $20 bill.

to help you understand how minute your bullshit dilemma is,

and don't be afraid of where you're going.

Holy shit. Did you lose your virginity to Harriet Tubman?

Duke. I like that. It's like dick but with a little U in it.

And that's how I became the great Duke Ellington.

Sorry, boys. A gentleman never remembers.

I'm glad you died in my house.

Connie gives Jessi a crash course in female pleasure, Maury tries to talk Andrew into sending a dick pic, and Nick lashes out at his new housemate.

It's true, Nick, I only know how to exhale through my nose.

- to go to the bathroom? - Hah!

I'm a present for a giant.

Now, you listen to me, Nick. We have exactly the amount of time

We don't have time for a Coach Steve bit!

Wait, really? Uh... Like, without Nick?

Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

Yeah, well, if you were late in Korea, they made you eat your own socks.

Your rooms? Right this way, Your Highness.

Ooh, may I borrow a steak knife, just in case there are mustache men?

Shut up, you two. Go to sleep!

A year goes by, no blood to let

Oh, I can't believe it's hailing.

you and Skip aren't gonna fight over the afikomen at the Seder this year.

My Little Pony, is that you?

I'm kind of the Bradley Cooper to Andrew's Ed Helms.

Restaurant steaks for lunch? Who are you, Vince McMahon?

- What's that now? - Uh, you wanna take a bath with me?

You didn't realize you forgot him?

- you were Homo Alone'd. - Oh, man!

Close. It was a declaration of bankruptcy.

Uh-huh, and a piss pop, that's a Florida delicacy?

No, she doesn't, she's my cousin.

- See you at the Seder, cuz. - Oh, boy.

Because when you say Grandma, you're talking about the same woman.

I can't go back to school and when people ask,

- Uh-huh. - Mom, are you even listening?

What? No! Don't let him near my pillow.

Wreaking havoc is my game!

We've only got the cousin, let's work with what we've got.

Ah, they're sound asleep.

Hello, Lakeland!

♪ Forget the Key lime pie Let's get a bath salt high ♪

♪ They got meth labs and Magic Kingdoms ♪

♪ It's America's glory hole ♪

Oh, Nick, the Seder meal won't be served for another three to four hours.

Oh, stop it, okay? I'm not ready to be old.

And now you have no fucks to give!

♪ We're gonna cross a line We're gonna cross a line ♪

Well, I live there five nights a week!

Mm, I know what you want, fuck face. Y'all wanna sink a boat.

Elliot, he has a family.

Sure, I mean, he doesn't use the bed.

Oh, God, come here!

What the fuck is goin' on in here?

- Huh? - Ooh, dang! That's how you sink a boat!

Sinkhole comin'. You better run, Romeo.

While Nick tags along with the Gloubermans on a wild road trip to Florida, Jay discovers he's been "Home Alone'd" -- and moves in with a new family.

while buying saffron at a 7th-century spice market.

Stop overreacting, or I'll fucking kill you!

- Uh. like, I really gotta go, so... - Totally.

I'm jazzed, man. It's your first date.

Look, I don't want you to feel bored.

He's hilarious. You have to put this online.

♪ Soft Daddy never tells ♪

It's turning into cum.

- Good one. - It's my drag name.

I tried your dad's skincare routine and it's, like, amazing.

Wow, Jay. That's very flattering.

But I don't know if I can trust you with something so private.

♪ But Soft Daddy's got you covered ♪

- No. - Slap her hand away. Throw me at her face.

Play nice while Daddy's working, okay?

Hey. Thank you for joining me in this tubey slide.

Um, I... I... I feel like I'm inside of a lunchbox.

Okay, good. They're gone. My phone has gotta be somewhere in here.

- I see you! - Hurry! It's so hot in here.

Gustavo? Gustavo!

"...then pats him on the head

Ugh, I do. And now it's over.

Nick, hurry!

Great, thanks. The outlet's over there.

the bad pitch version of it,

what if Nathan grabbed Gustavo

who interacts with other female characters

Oh, yeah. Right, okay. Um...

- I can go home. - Okay. Whatever.

- Okay, we're doing this. Andrew. - I'm still here.

- You're hurting me. - You can do this, Andrew.

on Sirius XM.

First, grab the pizza wheel

Hello, Coach Steve.

- I'm sorry. That was too far. - They bump... beautifuls.

- um, um... a snack. - Oh, you know, if y'all are hungry,

When I first met him, he was a violent, angry man.

- You wanna give me a second? - Ugh.

- All right. Press... - It's probably the one right after P.

- No. - Andrew drove the car.

Oh, yeah. Jam me in the couch like I'm your dirty little secret.

...to... bump beautifuls?

I'm friends with a girl. Wait a minute. Does that make me gay?

Tongue him. I can't take it anymore!

- Ow! - Damn, your momma quick!

Oh, Nick. It's a thing and you don't love it,

Cellsea goads Nick into posting a risqué video, Maury urges Matthew to speed things up with Aiden, and Jay feeds Missy ideas for her erotic fiction.

So, I have a few minutes to watch Netflix.

everything changed.

they made a show just for me.

- Ugh! Do you always follow the rules? - No!

Hey, Nick! What's up?

- Yeah, that sounds pretty great. - Well, I'm good, yeah.

It's like when I lost on Judge Joe Brown.

Ooh, I found it! I found Lola on Judge Joe Brown!

Oh! He Venmo'd me 20 cents for hurricane relief.

You know what? Everybody, just watch the show, okay?

- I think I gave myself goosebumps. - You didn't turn it off.

and tell that bum to move his Mazda!

That's like an Amber Alert.

Hi, Mom. Oh, I'm loving your dinner look.

Well, we love The Nanny.

So, does your dad, like, know?

Can we leave a knife prominently in the background? Like, just for fun?

Show him the leaf, Andy.

I mean, I don't want it to seem forced, but could you?

I want to buy you something.

- Sorry. - Oh, that's okay.

- So, um, yeah, I have to go, too. - Okay, sorry.

- I'm in the middle of a game. - Okay.

There were no status updates or apps,

is that you steal tricks and also...

and now, suddenly, he's a non-binary pansexual?

Guys. Do not go to this weird thing at my house!

She's cool. She can hang.

Uh, clink, clink. Uh, eyes up here, everyone.

You don't wanna put me in the basket.

Well, except for the mommy and the daddy.

at the YMCA.

Here, please, take it off my phone.

Oh, that's it? Ten episodes, and you learned your name?

- Ugh, I bet it's, like, an art project. - Oh! That's such a hot take.

- than whole generations before us. - I'm listening.

And who do you think's on my home screen?

You're either straight, or you're sweet.

Come on in!

♪ But if it's just a part-time dickin' ♪

So, you're telling me there's a category for everybody?

♪ Hm. A classic closeted bisexual And a philandering cisgen male ♪

♪ Like, oh, so many more From sea to sea ♪

You say, "Hello. How was your day?"

Hang out now, right now. Hang out with him now!

cisgendered, polyamorous magician!

Nick is bewitched by his cool new phone. A call from "Pharmacy Boy" turns Matthew into a nervous wreck. Jay finds a Netflix show made just for him.

Pssh. Life hack. I wash my dick at school.

But then, in a Calgary minute,

Like in a magic trick, for example.

I like it. "Happy birthday, Aunt Linda!

Oh, no, I... I'm not supposed to have you in class, so...

Ooh! Put a peanut M&M up in there for scale!

Or... it could just be the two of us.

- Okay. - And I think I might give it a try.

I will smash your brain into a smoothie and drink your thoughts!

- Ugh, that show about the gay magician? - He's not gay! He's bi. I think.

- There's a big world out there. - That's right.

Hello, tree! Hello, man always leaning against that red Mazda!

Yeah, go for it.

Whoa! Imagine, my life worth 90 thous...

Glaser? Hm. I've known a few Glasers over the years.

Have fun, but not too much fun.

Speaking of, what can I do to help with the big FaceTime?

Nick! Joy to the world, and what a world it is!

You're like a Rottweiler watching TV.

- I'm just asking you to do it on film. - Fuck you!

Hello. How was your day? I'd like to see you naked and...

- What are you doing? - The lost art of conversation.

There's plenty of other gorgeous, funny,

Hm. I wonder where he gets that from.

No! John Stamos' balls.

Wait, hold on one second. I'm sorry, but you're throwing a party with my dad?

Okay, fine. I will try to swing by my own house after school.

- Okay, who's ready for appetizers? - Coach Steve, what are you doing here?

- What? - Your phones! Give us your phones, people.

Oh, yeah? Well, maybe I'll put you on airplane mode

Okay, have no fear,

- She's gotta be seven feet tall. - Nick!

Look at yourself. You're beautiful, but also a junkie.

And you're not scared, seein' a bunch of ghosts?

Andrew, shouldn't you be hanging out with my father?

AT&T Wireless. Where will it take you?

I mean, I don't love phones,

Yeah, I'm never gonna tell the truth.

And now, there's, like, a million other things you can be.

♪ We take comfort knowing If we're this or that ♪

♪ Then you could be bi or cisgen-MSM ♪

♪ I sashayed like a nancy boy To make the ladies shriek ♪

♪ There's a name for anything You care to be, don't you see? ♪

♪ Whatever horny predilection Makes you wet or prompts erection ♪

Come on.

So, what's good here?

When a shop class mishap inspires a sexist dress code, Jessi rebels, Missy struggles to keep her alter ego in check, and Andrew gets a wake-up call.

So you're telling her to make the next move,

Dina!

I'm the only out kid in the whole school.

Double the butt pussy!

Ultimate Fuck Machine!

and give each of you the perfect Valentine's Day.

They're like Doctors Without Borders.

♪ It's unhealthy expectations ♪

♪ It's a big fat middle finger ♪

♪ Valentine, St. Valentine ♪

- ♪ What does having... ♪ - ♪ I can't take it ♪

...through!

I can already see the endgame.

It's the hat. He builds the character out from the hat.

with this prisoner that she's pursuing.

because, like, at the end of the day, I love drama.

- Anyway, I made this valentine for you. - Ah, that's sweet.

If that's movin' up, then I am most definitely

Oh, no! She's laughing at his joke! Quick!

Maybe it's a good thing.

♪ And there's never a chair for ol' Duke ♪

Did you say "tiny bow ties" or "24-pack of Arizona Iced Tea"?

Hey, boys! I met the woman of my dreams!

It's a fabric adhesive. I'm acutely allergic to it.

Sorry, I'm not good with story. I... I'm more of a joke guy.

- I don't have a great voice. - I got you, girl. My voice is so good...

- Are you, uh, eating cafeteria oysters? - I got a big night ahead of me.

Ah, man. This is a bad road to drive down.

Oh, please! Don't you remember up in your bed?

- Oh, my God... - What you doing, Nick?

A big orgasm. That's what I'm talking about, baby.

No, no, no. I've got two dates lined up for Valentine's Day.

- Reese's Werther's-Spoons. - I love you.

That was a big mistake, and you knew that.

What the fuck kind of wittle-baby bullshit is this?

Jesus Christ!

They're having fun at his expense. That's what boys do.

I've never cried in front of my friends, and only when you show up,

I was right, a... a boy shouldn't have a girl hormone monster...

- I don't wanna fuck my mom! - You wanna fuck your mom!

- You don't like it? - Well, it's just... Okay, first of all,

I meant, that's how devoted I am to you.

and love isn't supposed to be transactional.

You're so 40 and such a magician.

Your natural goaty muskmixed with the metal tang of these kettlebells

- Consider me clenched, bro. - Oh, boy.

Sappy cards. Stupid clichés. And so much pressure. For Andrew, Nick, Jessi and friends, Valentine's Day is a total freaking minefield.

-Like Billy Crystal at a Clippers game. -That's exactly what I was going for!

-You look like a hot hunk of cheese. -Ah, fuck it.

That's four cheeks. Spread 'em out, bitches!

-First up is Booby Bridge. -[panting]

but in such different ways.

[gasps] Happy Valentine's Day, Nicky!

-[piano music playing] -♪ It's a day of hugs and snuggles ♪

♪ Of deviant pagan kicks ♪

♪ It's a cuddly little cupid ♪

♪ Got to survive you another year ♪

[singing] ...through!

Oh, wow, what a terrific thrill!

Red roses? [scoffs]

With me now is Lump Humpman.

It's a food drive for special girls whose moms left grocery money,

[playing off-key]

I don't know, looks like you threw something on the floor.

[both] Composed in 1415!

Then I got cramps that were truly like a hate crime.

[chuckles]

-Huh. I never thought about that. -I wish I had a lady hormone monster.

-[female voice] Be mine. -Oh, a beautiful red thing.

-[Devin scoffs] You got me a used dog? -[panting]

-A hundred percent. -Sorry, Andrew. The show must go on.

Anti all of it!

-Jay, slow down, there, buddy. -[grunts] Can't, I'm protein loading!

Ah, man. This is a bad road to drive down.

When you tug-a-tug-tugged until you glug-a-glug-glugged?

-Oh, Jesus. -Okay, very cute.

Oh, it's for incestuous conjoined twins.

I may have bitten off more than I can fuck.

-Really? -Keep everyone in!

-[Nick] Oh-- -Holy shit!

I don't want that!

-Yeah, this is fun! -Make 'em stop! Make 'em stop!

I've never cried in front of my friends, and only when you show up,

I've had some really shitty hormone monsters.

[jazz band plays]

I'm the one that knows things about you.

-Yeah, fling it at her! -The almighty dollar.

And not yet!

Isn't anyone gonna come and pop it?

I will pay you to put your jacket on.

-A basketball locket. -Come on, honey. Look inside.

-Yeah, she lets it all out. -And so loud when she eats your mom out.

♪ Just a-dishin' and a-throwin' shade ♪