Louie (2010)

Look at those tits on her, they're huge.

or at least a jacket and not to swear.

Okay, yeah, I guess you could,

And it's, uh, kind of a dif-- Weird, uh--

and he'd be like, "Look at all the minorities they got over here."

No? Uh, girls, this is Louie.

Yeah. Anyways, nice to meet you.

Oh, you know what, we need a man.

We want to get a really complete scene.

My I have the pleasure of this dance?

Sure, bye.

Come on, you farted before. You've never farted?

Oh, God damn it.

You never get to find out.

Come on, give him hand, Louie C.K.

he's gonna come up at talk 20 minutes or so...

I don't really care. You should.

Um, I'm from New York.

No, because you're totally unfriendly.

Kenny, you're-- you're a hack.

I hate being in the same profession as you.

What? Farts are funny.

People laugh, they go home, they make love.

I know, man, I really-- I know.

Me and you, start and finish this bottle.

I'll take it right up here,

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

that you never thought you'd see in your entire life.

So I'll pick you up later tonight.

Come on, Doug, you knew they were putting me up here,

anything else, I just ca--

Yeah, but I would rather make no money and live less shitty.

In a, you know...

Is it just me, or am I sharing with somebody?

I'm sorry. I want you to be--

Are you ready to go to the venue?

Okay, I-I--

Um, do you want me to hang out out here,

You could actually go-- You could--

Ah...

but he goes, "Take me to the cool places."

Ah, he shook hands with everybody.

I'm really glad that you met those guys.

to see the country and meet everybody.

I've seen it, I've seen the whole country.

I don't have a lot of choices out here,

is to not have to always talk to folks and make friends,

Is this, like, cinnamon buns with frosting or what's the--

terminal four, and the central air terminal.

The next stop on this AirTrain is terminal four.

Hi.

This is the terminal four stop

Um...

It's okay.

Oh, hello. Hi, uh...

we are now ready to board Flight 654 to Charlotte.

you need to file a report with the airline you flew in on.

Okay, I'm sorry. I just--

a 1960s thing with a...

Don't you wonder what that original ending was?

But just because I can appreciate something

♪ La, da, da, da, da ♪

Don't make me freak out. Okay, you freak.

Love you. Bye. Love you, too. Jesus.

I kind of hope not ever. Hey!

I can't spirit up a sundae station.

Yeah, I got quite a-- How many girls?

Chuck and I are divorcing.

It's not-- Yeah, yeah. It's just--

You know, I was your age when my parents got divorced,

But my parents are together.

(doorbell) so you...

Hi, can--

Yeah.

♪♪

Daddy!

please don't get all--

sometimes think about

I miss the shit out of your stupid tits.

I'm hanging up now.

No, I mean, like, are you sitting? Are you standing?

(sighs) Well...

What happened? You only have one hand now?

Well, I'm not saying,

Well, take your pants off, then.

You didn't really do it. I want to hear you do it.

Shh! We want ice cream!

Bye.

We want ice cream! Hey!

None of your business, Tranquility.

if you come in person and post bail by 9:00,

Just-- Just--

Oh, I don't know. I really don't.

I can't have that. I can't.

The bail master's on break.

this lady who-- who fell.

So what? It's bad for you.

It's "hello" in Navajo.

Try to imagine big, red, blotchy spots.

Like a month.

but on the inside of my face.

into nothing

I am looking at her.

Lilly's lucky.

Why do you say Melissa hates you all of a sudden?

Who's Melissa to write some shit like that?

Did you have fun? Yup.

I thought that when-- when Jack left,

I-- I mean, I can't just-- I can't just move it.

I keep trying and trying every day,

I'm really sorry you're going through that, but, um...

Just... No, it's okay. Just take, you know...

Oh, really? Oh, my God, it was so good.

Those-- Those people are food.

You saw "A Clockwork Orange"?

Hey, how long was I asleep for?

getting into beekeeping."

Just one bee.

Dude, you don't-- You did it.

...Louie C.K.! I know, it's like, it's your bit,

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Well, you look tired.

and my heart is racing.

I'm not into that sort of thing.

Brown-- My brown coat?

Some people think it's something in your subconscious.

get on with your life.

Please...

Please don't be scary now.

Ah, shit!

this little thing right here.

Hey, um...

Seriously, you--

You are paying your bills doing what you love.

No money. No skills, no Twitter.

No, no, I mean, why did you get 'em checked?

It's just-- Look, man.

Bobby, you're 44 and I'm 47.

You don't-- You don't understand.

You asked me to help you. Yeah.

You should be looking out for me.

Don't be standing over there looking at me.

You're-- Guy's scared of you.

Stop it.

I'm fine. You look really hurt.

Just a crazy... person that got violent

Okay.

and I stopped her

I'm sorry, Daddy.

I know, buddy, you need me to beat her up for you?

And I can't go onstage like this,

If you just let me...

No! No!

Hang on.

Hi, um...

That's a-- That's such a beautiful name.

Oh!

Okay, what we just did is-- was very intimate, right?

Oh, God, fine.

Well, if you could help clean up the environment

Because we're the future.

That's pretty true, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, I guess so.

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

Hey, excuse me.

What the hell? What's the problem?

I saw you on the Jimmy-- What's-his-name show.

Yeah, you know, we should hang out sometime.

I mean... You got a phone number? Give me your phone number.

Alright, now we got each other's phone numbers.

Excuse me, sir!

(harder knocking)

You don't insult the man with the gun.

Okay.

All right. Oh!

- Right. - You know, you gotta be able to control the ball,

You suck, man!

He'll give up and that's the end of it

It's all right, pal, I'm on the job.

It's all right, man, it doesn't matter.

You know, growing old together.

so they get to decide who has a family, who has a girlfriend,

but me, I've always been attractive to women.

Just, sometimes it just makes me feel bad.

What?

Can I get a refill?

You know, the thing is, is that, you're not that funny.

and the clown is on the dunk tank

(laughing)

Maybe I'll see you another time?

I mean, I'm sorry, but you insulted me

and that's where I have to draw the line.

Huh, what about you hurting me?

Okay?

And your sister, she hates me too, okay?

Lenny, Lenny, Lenny.

Louie, do you understand?

Oh, my God!

Louie! Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I was playing with it at your apartment,

Okay, Lenny, calm down. No.

Where is it?

You're stupid!

(shouting) No!

It's gonna be okay. You have to be strong.

Hey, buddy, can you help me out with something?

All right, I'll-- I'll give you 500 bucks.

Just give me 400, it's okay.

Okay, here's how it's gonna work.

Thank you very much. Welcome!

Some of them have never done it before.

Let's hear it for Mike Bocchetti.

Could you watch me?

Mike Bocchetti!

for urinating in my bed...

All right, come on. Come on.

You're not funny. I mean, not--

Well, in comedy, you're supposed to tell

That's where you start. When you think about

I'm sorry, and I--

And... you gotta get out.

Talk in a funny voice, maybe.

good, uh... good-- good stuff.

black and white movie about divorce, can we?

Make a case.

Like, I remember this one time...

_

No, stupid.

Okay, get started.

Yeah, I really do.

Uh, can we get some more of that oil

Yeah, I have.

Why?

because you are not fun.

Okay, so now we're this...

Didn't we learn anything?

Friends, sex, love, Italian food...

That's what he hears.

And then, tomorrow,

Don't you know this?

and do dirty stuff sometimes.

Well, do you want to--

Look at the meatballs under her neck.

a reason to keep trying.

Oh, my God.

♪ Help me stay ♪

Yeah, but I just--

Uh... yeah, sure.

♪ You told me you loved me ♪

Thank you.

Okay.

How you doing? I'm Louie.

But I got two kids now, so.

So what circle do you tide from?

What is the first question that we ask of one another?

Where do we come from?

Birabba manni.

I just-- It was a potluck.

Ugh.

Dinella is getting her master's, so we're so effing busy.

then we each put an egg in this thing that--

She is getting no meds.

You know, it's all about natural,

That's the same as me, come on.

Okay.

It must be annoying, everybody trying to help you all the time.

'Cause I-- I have--

I know, I remember-- I have two kids, so I can--

and then she's on the floor wailing and crying, so...

I had no idea how hard it was gonna be, like--

and now look at me, I'm like a mess.

Okay, I--

but in this case it's true, which is that you--

I'd be like, oh, my God, like, you just--

And so I just want to say that as I go, so that you don't--