Louie (2010)

Louie struggles through the holidays.

"and his 42 cousins

Hi.

When are you all returning?

Yeah, that's not--

I mean, can I just be by myself?

Happy new year, merry Christmas, I'm fine.

Hey Doug, how you doing?

Bye.

You know that.

is live on the scene with these report.

I work and--

I mean, he's so alone.

Just alone and not with anybody.

by themselves.

Oh, my God.

Go ahead. Jesus, am I dying?

Bye.

Happy New Year!

Oh...

Okay.

Louie continues his efforts to earn the Late Show hosting job. He is visibly moved by his daughters' support for his goal, but continues to be confounded by Jack Dall, who gives Louie a "make me laugh right now" ultimatum he barely passes and then has him do a practice interview with an emotional cleaning woman. Louie makes it to an actual test show in front of a packed audience, where Jack wishes him well and gives him some advice that pays off when Jerry Seinfeld tells Louie he's already signed a deal to take over for David Letterman and Louie would be nice to keep it a secret. Louie recognizes Jerry is lying and goes out and absolutely crushes his test show, mixing genial humor with some raunchier material and hilarious interviews with Susan Sarandon and Paul Rudd. Lars Tardigan loves the footage and says "We've got an option!" That night, Louie gathers with his comedian friends for the news, but Doug shows up looking downcast just as Maria Menounos announces that David Letterman re-upped for another 10 years and has even worse news: Louie is now persona non grata forever with Letterman. A devastated Louie barely avoids breaking down, but he also appreciates that he at least cost Letterman a ton of money on his new contract, lets the Letterman show know that they never broke him, and returns to Alphonse's gym to continue his boxing education. MORE -LESS

Ted Koppel.

I've known you for a week and you haven't made me laugh once.

Go.

Look, there's different kinds of funny, right?

Now tell the truth.

Thank you, have a nice day.

This is either a door or a wall for me

You want me to start at one and go up?

One...

Well, go get someone.

You just introduced her!

If you did it right, I wouldn't have to yell at you.

What kind of dancer was she?

She died when I was eight.

They insisted I bring them over here.

We know you can do it.

Well, I did my part.

That's it.

Number one, look 'em in the eye and speak from the heart.

Uh, thank-- thank you, Jack.

I--

They're printing the t-shirts.

Well, congrats.

You will be fine.

Goddammit.

'cause you just see your death in front of you.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Yeah, and I had myself a little time by myself.

Jack is my son and Darby is my daughter.

"'The Pelican Brief' with Julia Roberts."

Oh, thank you.

- Hold on a second. - Shut up, everybody.

Louie begins a quest.

and then I'm able to take my time with the kids

You don't have the gall to take this thing on

If you don't do this, I mean, what was it all for?

They need to see you live and succeed.

Mr. Dahl.

He told me that I should contact you

You stand there.

"President Nixon today--"

It's too long.

Leave the card here.

Louie C.K.?

You're up for Dave's job, huh?

Well, should I take the job?

But then you gotta do 14 minutes every single night.

Well, thanks, Jay.

Oh.

And nobody meaning Jay Leno in particular.

Well, how the--

Start what?

The announcer does that.

"Today President Reagan--"

Not bad, not bad.

Okay, look-- I'd rather not.

All right, I-- I am not gonna wear a suit, okay?

I'm not wearing a suit.

Is he that guy on the left?

There you go.

Louie gets a break. Maybe.

...a round of applause...

I'm sorry-- Louie, great set, great set. Hey, Bud, how are you?

Tomorrow night, Tom Cruise is the other guest

Okay, thanks, Ross, thanks for coming. Okay, okay.

Just...

Just turn around for me. Oh, sorry.

I don't have-- This is what I'm wearing.

No, not exactly, I'm not bumping you. You're not?

He's not here, you are.

Now, folks, as I...

and sometimes things happen in live television,

Okay. Are you listening to me?

Go out there and go get 'em.

I have a "do not disturb" sign on the door,

You understand that?

Wow.

I have-- What? At a what?

Please, get up, get dressed and meet me there.

Do you have any idea?

You're in from New York.

Oh, thank you. Very funny.

but it has the potential to change your whole life.

Carnegie Deli.

There won't be somebody else here next month.

David Letterman's been at CBS for 20 years.

Uh...

but he's a $12 million slam dunk at best.

Tell-- tell me, what?

$80,000 a year on the club dates,

before it gets embarrassing.

You think it's over and you're afraid to try.

I get you with Jackie Dahl, he's my main city man.

Louie searches for a lost love and then for his daughter.

or a girlfriend?

I don't really know how, y'know-- No.

Come on, it's romantic.

Anyway, sorry I couldn't get any info. It's all right.

Well, go there, go to where she lives.

Do you want me to go with you?

That's it?

She changed how I feel about everything...

Where are you going?

She's in Apartment...

She's your friend, you don't know her name?

Why don't you call her and tell her to come down

Okay, well, maybe let's just--

Why?

and hope that love is just gonna flow into you

I'm not doing anything like that. Why?

We gotta find her so we can get out of here.

Hey, Lilly...

Hey, listen, if you're upset about something,

Mom, would be upset.

Hey!

That's fine.

Jane...

Lilly.

Oh, shit, shit!

I gave you everything!

Daddy, what are you gonna do?

Slovenian.

Thank you, baby.

Louie deals with a rash.

Luther Vandross, right?

Get security to meet me at the office.

That's what I look like?

Clearly, he acted inappropriately.

Yeah, yeah.

They're representing Mexico

and boots, you know?

by the most excellent

given to me by my father,

So...

so that he won't take it home to his wife.

A father calls, a son answers.

I could not even look at him and he cried to me,

You go and see your father.

Go and see your father.

Call.

And then I'd also have big bloody holes

Oh, you left something in here, Jim.

It's not a child's old drawing.

'cause they weren't allowed and my mother would

That's a lot of work to get a nut off.

Can you go to the doughnut shop and get me a cruller?

throwing up all over the... place.

fever, aches and pains

What do you-- what do you mean?

what's the point?

The Russian Tea Room.

Ugh.

Well, clearly, your body wasn't ready to take it all in

I think you ought to-- I think you better go see your dad

into Logan Airport in Boston where your father lives.

I already did, I'm sorry.

little pussy about this?

I'm aware of that, I--

I get it, your life is gonna end if you don't move now!

Your nose is bleeding.

Louie takes an old friend shopping and has a bit of an emergency.

I think this rug will fit in Nelson's room but.

Thanks for answering my request for help

It's a rug!

It's not coated with AIDS

All right, I'm sorry.

So...

You did good.

Well, this is my-- this is my piano. Oh, all right, great.

so they can learn

Oh. That's really good.

So listen, either you gave me the crabs

I thought it was laundry detergent.

Well, I got a little bit of an emergency and I'm...

That's okay, that's okay.

It's a kit. Great.

you should be just fine.

Are you taking water with it?

Three times, I urinated three times today.

First up, Louie CK.

Thank you very much, you've been a pleasure, good night!

So now my sister's name is: Susan Silverman-Abromowitz.

Hey, you gotta turn on the Comedy channel right now.

Yeah, you do, it's true.

How are you?

That never happens in this country.

I mean, if I came up to you and I said, "Come!

Are you okay?

And then we had that thing happen and it was--

and I just--

I mean, I can't believe that I ever blamed him for that.

for him anymore.

Hey, man. Hi.

Hey, uh, listen, thank you, uh..

I-- I held that against you for ten years

So the other day, I was thinking about it again,

and I stopped being your friend

A guy dies, Louie meets a comedian, and has a bad day with a bad kid.

it gave me nightmares.

You know, what can I do?

That's amazing.

"Come on, fellas.

and Supa-Loosa.

Thank you very much.

A friend of ours, uh, uh, died.

Wait, I don't understand.

♪ Oh the time has come ♪

to a man...

♪ Motorin' ♪

♪ Sister Christian there's so much in life ♪

If...

I want an alone day with you. Oh, nice.

maybe bring him home for a play date

and they could only do it today.

that I feel I can confide in or trust.

It's all from China.

Okay, come on.

So I'm going to need some guidance from you, okay?

My mom says I'll die.

I can have that.

All right, you got it, killer.

Oh, man, I told you not to book me in Kansas City.

The radio ratings have been much higher in the afternoons.

and not make any money.

but you got to do it by yourself, okay?

don't wreck anything.

All right. Hi, Louie.

next week, from Thursday through Saturday night.

That's a "cramadiga."

Louie CK. Ah, that's so bad.

There goes a loud "shebang."

is the worst town I've ever been in.

Oh, okay, uh...

Never, what...

Okay, uh.

Louie goes on a date.

Do you need to have a drink?

Yeah, I love walking in New York, I love it.

You're fat.

telling them the diagnosis.

"Your mom is here because you're supposed to die or something."

But the hardest part of it was my mom,

and you literally see death

and within a month, I'm a healthy 15-year-old girl

Try it on.

I mean, this is kind of sexy, isn't it?

Can I ask you a question?

Wow, that is-- that's-- that's crazy.

Is your name really Tape Recorder?

Wow.

Hi.

Mmm, mmm.

Neither have I, but I want to go to North Dakota

a more humane version of throwing it in the garbage.

It's cold out here.

in Brooklyn got me that-- I had that job

I can't get 'em anymore and the snakes come back

There's a snake on my face?

Where are we-- where are we going?

Boy, what are we... Just breathe.

That's what I'm-- That's what I'm saying.

One step... Ohh...

Get up, now!

Please don't, please-- please--

Louie is looking for a mate.

I'm not sure why they do that.

Don't take my ten percent of my food.

Come on, get yourself a girlfriend.

So I know--

Hi Mommy, this is Baby Jesus.

Single lady, and I do believe in love.

Hi, Amy, calling in from Tucson, Arizona.

Thanks, thanks.

Yeah. Okay, all right.

I'm not really good at confronting people.

Just give me a little time, okay?

You fucking bitch!

Like, we'd have dinner?

Why do you have to say "Ugh"?

I'm sorry I brought it up,

Really forget it, I'm so sorry.

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Baby my baby ♪

Uh, no, no.

He grows flowers in his apartment.

You ask somebody out and then if she says yes, you go--

If you're a baseball player, you go to your teammate

Just depressing stuff, man, yeah.

instead of just perusing Amazon.

Do you have any depressing novels

She sounds like me at her age.

There are things about being female that at that age,

Like, deep fear.

Oh, well, maybe--

Do you need anything else?

♪ I love... ♪

Can I talk to you for a minute?

This kind of thing is so awkward and horrible

Louie goes to Miami.

That guy was taking my stuff, I'm not-- Relax, relax.

- Is he all right? - Is he okay?

I'm Louie.

You know, it's good to laugh, you know, it's like--

Good night, thank you.

Like on a raft or something?

¿ Hablas español? Well, not really.

so you just ate a strawberry that you can't have.

Pechuga a la parilla.

Okay. Yeah?

Myron, Myron...

I got no moves. How you liking it, hermano?

It's kind of like those people up there.

Tú con curvas y yo sin frenos!

Couple minutes to spare, so thanks. Yeah, that's good, man.

Thanks for making me laugh.

I just was wondering if maybe you could keep the girls

Good for you, Louie.

Let's, uh, let's grab a drink.

It might be a little weird

I just...

but-- but--

And I'm not--

Mm-hmm. Cool.

Louie has dinner at a friend's house.

people going into a ballet theatre

"Why not, man?"

"You're okay now, but halfway through,

And she's looking up at me with this face, like, coping,

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

♪ Louie, Louie, Louie, Louie ♪

but you're not coming to my house.

24.

I'm married in my 50s.

Buh-buh, buh-buh-buh.

Oh, a million guys do that bit.

That's too bad.

She did?

Thank you very much.

Hi, sweetie. Hi, Debbie, thanks for having me.

Why?

Allan.

We'll go out to a bar.

We cover Northern Jersey and Nyack.

No you weren't, I was there. Oh yeah, what did you say?

They just want to spread their shit on everybody.

Come on, I'll drive you. Okay.

You're not even menstruating.

You are seriously a pisser.

The best part about it is

Let me blow you.

What?

I don't really know you.

We just have different values about that.

I'm just saying that if I had done what you did, I--

'Cause I do what's right?

Louie the gentleman.

You're gonna be.

Louie has a challenging day.

I gotta go, I gotta...

Uh, nightmare.

I'd like her but she's faking it to make me sweat.

Thank you.

All right, well, let's get together during the day.

and pretend like nothing's wrong,

What is this, a game of relationship charades?

Something is wrong, right?

You just wanna break up with me and...

We're not anything, we're nothing, y'know?

Just-- April--

Okay, here we go, let's hear it.

This is how it's gonna work.

Well, we're working.

It's dangerous or...

Busted-up knees. Oh.

This one's 75.

Why won't somebody help me?!

It's just stupid.

You know what his mom said to me?

But I gotta call my ex-wife,

Louie, no, you can't do that to me right now.

I got in an accident.

Motorcycle?

Okay.

Yeah, well, film is good, your CAT is good,

I've been trying to call you since yesterday.

I was in the hospital.

Here you go.