Aired 11 years ago - May 14, 2013
Cece's wedding day finds Jess and Nick making a decision about their relationship. Meanwhile, Schmidt schemes with a typically overenthusiastic Winston to sabotage the nuptials, although a shocking announcement may be bigger than anything he plans.
Cece told me with her eyes.
Look, Jess, I'm telling you this
as Cece's friend and nothing more.
and you are not to have
eye conversations with her.
But we have to
sabotage this wedding.
You know, I'm 31 now, and it's
time for me to cut the nonsense.
so we are going to enjoy
Cece's wedding like adults.
Hello, Auntie.
- This wedding means a lot to Jess.
- What are you doing?
Is "sabo" short
for sabotage, Schmidt?
- Thank you.
- Now.
Are you enjoying the wedding
festivities, Schmidt?
Cotton-Eyed...
Of course!
Why did you need me for this?
- at your best friend's wedding?
- Because it's exactly
Phase three.
Oh, my God.
Winston is in the air
ducts with a badger.
Oh! He's mad.
The ducts!
I'm trying to! I'm trying
to turn it off, you idiot!
May he shower you
with many, many children.
I'm the kind of guy that likes to enjoy
the AC, not see how the sausage is made.
Jess, what are you doing here?
With Winston and a badger.
When you complete
the seven circles,
We got to leave it better
than when we found it.
...lovely ceremony with
all your family and friends.
Yes, there is a small part.
- It's okay.
- Jess?
Do you know?
I'm on it.
Don't scare the badger!
Or the badger.
No...
And I don't care
what my family says.
I want our children to
be photographers and...
I feel slightly rejected.
Boobies.
- what we talked about.
- Yeah. Look, Jess, it's not...
It's not like we're
in love or anything.
It's only romantic
because it's a wedding.
It was.
But can... can we sleep on it,
maybe? Maybe take the night?
Aired 11 years ago - May 07, 2013
Jess' dad chooses the worst day to pay the loft an unexpected visit, forcing a nervous Nick to spend the day alone with him. Jess finds herself with huge opportunity for a new job on the day before Cece's wedding. Schmidt must take a look in the
mirror and confront his real feelings about Elizabeth. Meanwhile, Winston psyches himself up for his huge surprise birthday celebration, which no one seemed to remember to throw for him.
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Stop threatening to move,
Bernie, and just move!
Doctors--
no explanation.
Guess what? I'm at a new school, and
there's an opening for a new teacher,
Amy! Put those back
in your shirt, both of them.
- Oh, no, no, that, uh, that doesn't work.
- That's a bad idea.
- Do not fall for it. - I am falling for
it right this second. I'm feeling bad.
Uncle Shishir!
and then after you're done having
your hands tattooed, take a nap.
Peg, hi. Thank you so much
for the interview.
Ah, stop! You have to stop!
with only the human voice.
- This isn't something we should talk about,
Bob, trust me! - Okay, gee whiz, I'm sorry.
- There's a girl. Yes.
- There is, see? I told you.
Schmidt, do you have a moment?
I feel like I'm trap...
I'm being trapped, am I not?
Y2 Kitty Kat?
Without validation, the
parking rates are absurd.
Peg has gone on and on and
on and on and on about you.
So we'll have a
Now, what if you weren't
referring to children...
So...
Hey, where my cake at?!
Lettuce, tomato, lettuce,
Well, the first thing you got to
figure out is what do you want.
- What is going on over there, Nick?!
- Hanging out with my boy Bobby D.
Cece, hi.
In a few minutes, we are gonna
laugh about this. We will laugh.
I don't want to make excuses,
Yes, I do.
I'll kill you!
- It's not coming off.
- Nope, it's not.
I slept with Nick last night.
We haven't had a chance
to talk it out yet.
But I went ahead
and got married anyway.
Yeah I got my own damn cake,
I have to go back to school now.
Everything started so good.
life's messy.
Look, I want to be with you.
Aired 11 years ago - Apr 30, 2013
In a series of flashbacks, Jess, Nick, Schmidt, Winston and Cece tell one another how they each lost their virginity. Not surprisingly, when they realize the stories directly affect their present day sex lives, one relationship will change forever.
No, no, no. I-I feel,
like, so safe,
Um...
- I don't think I've ever seen you in a tux.
- I've worn a tuxedo.
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
So, you mean to tell me
you didn't
You're in last place.
Keep it together, Schmidt.
I was about 200 pounds heavier.
Hey...
That sucks!
would you mind having
a discussion, uh, openly
I don't think
it's an exact science.
I don't want any trouble. I think
you're a remarkable creature.
♪ I submit to your demands ♪
Oh, stop moving so much.
You're too slippery.
I-I think there's enough lube.
I think we can do it now.
♪ On the floor ♪
♪ On the floor ♪
I got to go.
and some giant sex toy,
and just being with her?
I didn't bring you two dummies
all the way to New York
- Oh, cool.
- Ladies?
I'm Mysteria.
This is Octopussy.
Would you listen to yourself?!
I don't know.
So Mysteria and
I made love that night.
Okay, you don't need game.
Well, to be totally honest
with you, so have I.
was gonna track me down
or a paper trail.
Gross.
- Yeah, I won't. - I don't want
to break his heart, you know?
- Let him have this.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, Winston.
So I'd just moved to L.A. to be with
Cece, and we went out to some bar.
- Pour beer at the same time.
- Yeah!
Do you sell cookies?
The only antidepressants
you need are in my pants.
Do you have, like, an...
Hey, uh, don't
really know why, but...
Officer, I...
it was very dark,
Teddy's gay?
I knew it. Yes.
Aired 11 years ago - Apr 09, 2013
Jess decides to throw Cece a surprise bachelorette party while Nick and Winston awkwardly take her fiancé, Shivrang, out for the night. Then, as Schmidt desperately tries to find a real girlfriend in time for the wedding in order to get a “plus one,” he is forced to seek out his old girlfriend from his “fat Schmidt” college days.
Hello... Shivrang? What
are you doing here?
- Get in my room right now, Schmidt. Move.
- I'm going to your room right now.
So you just assume that I won't
have a serious partner by then?
- Not a challenge. - Time to go
make some dreams come true.
I can't stand
for more than 60 seconds
You can look. Don't touch.
She's coming. Cece'soming.
Winston! Oh, take the car.
Take the car.
Complete
with your favorite game,
Ankita-ji, this is Jess,
- Pin the dong.
- Pin it. - I can't.
- Am I right, ladies?
- No. - No.
does that make this
my surprise bachelor party?
- Dead Dad Pass! New topic!
- Cece's really freaking out.
If you want to end this, we need to
get a photo of Shivrang's penis.
What is wrong with you?!
- Yes! Time for porn cinema.
- No!
But then I offer it to them
on a silver platter
You dated Elizabeth
for, like...
This little... this
little one went to market.
That's what... my whole
thing about the whole thing
- bachelor party game right now.
- Mm-hmm, all right.
No, it's not...
Absolutely not.
No bottoms?
I promise you,
this is so not me.
and maybe you need to get to
know Shivrang a little bit more,
my pajamas, you make me question
our entire friendship.
♪ Keep going
till you hit the spot. ♪
Yeah.
What is going on...
is that, uh...
All right, all right, enough!
I have... I have to talk to her.
- Shivrang.
- What, Shivrang? Shivrang, what?
Sorry. I'm so sorry.
I immediately regret that.
I would like to take you
to a wedding, because I miss you
so she gets very sad, and then,
breaks off the wedding,
You stopped
listening to me.
with all my heart.
That is not his leg.
- they made you do it.
- Oh, it's okay.
- Hello, you.
- What's up, Nadia?
But not-not... not here.
Aired 11 years ago - Apr 04, 2013
Jess and Nick, who are caught between friendship and something more, try to break out of relationship-limbo by going on a First Date. Once Schmidt and Winston realize a full-on Jess/Nick romance might be happening, they swoop in to try to sabotage the date
I don't know,
life's short, huh?
Of course you would,
you dirty dog.
All right, you're right--
no second-guessing.
And it would mean the world
to me if you would, uh...
If so, food.
- Yeah, well, I moved it to the kitchen.
- The kitchen?
Are you asking me if I'll help
you pick out clothing
- I should go.
- Oh, I love latino girls.
Nick is our glue, man.
You know, without him,
I'm wearing Schmidt, uh...
- Afraid I'm gonna have to write you
up for jaywalking. - Stay calm,
Dinner?
Oh...
It seems like a date.
Nick will be all, "Grandpa
didn't get a face full
You don't think just a bear
alone in a restaurant is enough?
Hold the Brussels sprouts.
Am I right?
- Hey.
- Hi.
I'm Brandy.
and go get a drink
at the bar as friends?
Why isn't the crosswalk here?
Just let it out.
♪ I will be your father figure
♪ I will be the one
who loves you ♪
We're willing
to pay you handsomely.
"Hey, Nick, will you help me
open this jar?"
All right, fine.
Hey.
Could you clear the fish?
Ooh!
- "really something..." and we want to know
what that means. - What does that mean?
What's that?
No wrong answers.
Yeah, mine, too.
Where is the charger?
- Let's just go, Brandy.
- Wait. No, no, no, no.
- What did you write?
- What did you write?
- Hair sauce? Oh, my God.
- Mmm, feels like mud.
Oh, I'm sorry, we can't.
You know why?
Okay? And then everything
will be fine.
on the count of three.
What are you doing?
Aired 11 years ago - Mar 26, 2013
When a death occurs in Nick's family, Jess, Schmidt and Winston travel with Nick to the Windy City to help him with the funeral preparations and meet his boisterous family members, including his mom, Bonnie; his younger brother, Jamie; and his Boston cousin, Bobby.
and there are 50 open tables.
- 'cause you won't get any food here, loser.
- That'll be quite a sign.
- What would you do?
- You're getting screwy.
Get your daughter to help you
with your evil plan.
Never mind. Listen, we are
very sleepy this morning...
and could you leave the pot
in the meantime?
- Well, well, well.
- What?
This is where you have your breakfast?
- Can I have a bite?
- What?
- I'm beginning to like this place.
- I'm glad.
- Make things right with Dean.
- I appreciate this.
- Yes, it is.
- Horrible strain.
Your father is now the president and CEO
of the Gilmore Group...
He consults on matters
related to international insurance.
She's been your father's secretary
since you were a child.
This is simply unacceptable!
- And she just turned you down?
- She had the gall to counteroffer.
that's keeping her from
standing in line for government cheese.
You should look into that immediately.
- Until Margie.
- Margie was a gem.
The office is a disaster.
Everything is in boxes.
I hate to see you waste your time.
It's all in the letter. Read.
Go on. You have three more 'whats'
ahead of you.
- Didn't ask about the car?
- Not once.
Maybe he's even more terrific
than we thought.
These are résumés
for your grandpa's new secretary.
You're starting to look like
you're starring in an independent film.
- It's freezing in here.
- Yes, it has been since I moved in.
No, I turned it off. Let me show you.
- How could that happen?
- I don't know. Where's your manual?
So in addition to being heavy and ugly,
it's also insulting.
Mr. Henson. Why, yes, he just walked out.
May I take a message?
- Where the hell are your pens?
- Watch your language, young lady.
- Where does one get these?
- Where did you used to get them?
It goes on until chair mats and floor mats,
but if you're not careful...
Now, what's the first thing you do
when you get to the office in the morning?
Is there no one here whose job it is
to actually assist paying customers?
I don't recognize half the whatsits
and doodads in here.
Then you'll be really happy
to have the ones you have left.
You have to spend money to make money.
Tip from me to you.
- Wise move.
- And one for Emily.
Aired 11 years ago - Mar 19, 2013
Jess comes to a conclusion about her romantic feelings for Nick and she struggles to tell him - until she's hopped up on pain medication. But after admitting her feelings, she finds out he may have been keeping something from her. Meanwhile, Schmidt
becomes obsessed with buying a fish, which Winston sees as a metaphor for Schmidt's unresolved feelings toward Cece and Nick plans a bar promotion to impress the bar owner.
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- I'm joking. No, but seriously,
- Yeah. Joke. Seriously,
I love this place, man.
You know, the sound of bubbles,
Caramel-colored stripes.
- What do you mean I can't?
- It's... illegal, sir.
- Calm down!
- Love is a lie. Love is a lie.
When did you become
a Bond villain
we will create a life together.
You okay?
Jess... Jess,
would you please wait?
- smell so good?
- It's 'cause I did laundry.
It's tricky to get it in.
Yank it.
- Let me see what we have left.
- A whole bunch of stuff.
You can't put a woman
in a fish tank, Winston.
Now, I'm going to
walk out that door,
Well, your jaw is super bruised,
I want to have sex with you!
You are a beautiful white man,
Nick Miller.
Whoa, whoa! You are way too
drugged-up for this... okay...
Are you kidding me?
Damn it, Winston!
We doing this?
Let's do this!
the door was closed.
- Mm-hmm.
- is that the drugs or is that real?
Oh, you know what?
and you should rest, Jess.
But what I do know is that
it's gonna make you happy.
Lionfish!
- I need you to pee on my face.
- What?
I can't keep running to get
- vibe around here.
- What are you doing here?
You know...
We're a team here.
Wait...
getting some stank on it.
I'm your "room friend," Nick?
He left me a voicemail
from the ambulance.
listen, I think it might be
good for him
- ...by, or... or not.
- Uh-huh.
Hmm?
The lion... the lionfish?
I don't know if it was
the jellyfish's venom
we'll move on
and not talk about it,
Aired 11 years ago - Feb 26, 2013
Jess catches the eye of a professional football player, with whom Winston landed an exclusive interview for his radio station. Meanwhile, Nick and Schmidt argue over the planning of their "TinFinity" party celebrating their tenth anniversary of living together, and Cece gets a surprise offer
Winston, does he think
you're Omar Epps?
Hi, I'm Jess.
I'm Winston's roommate.
Nick... the theme is
"masculine garden party."
Oh, sweet, balloons are...
I don't want
the responsibility.
Yes, Ma, yes, now,
look, I-have to go.
So that means...
by how quick
this all has been.
Beautiful job,
thank you so much, what a...
I'm getting that mouth on my mouth,
and don't you try to stop me, you...
I got, like, three
of those things.
Hey, I'm presenting,
I'm presenting it.
For 60 bucks, and they threw in
something called
Yours and El Baño Presidente.
Here's the good news-- now
people have a backup to use...
I want you
to get rid of that.
Jax, over here
on the bench with me.
You're down.
What's going on, Sid?
- Robby, don't dog me like this.
- I'm gonna give you your space.
Get in there, dude,
or get out of this party.
because he likes to talk
about his feelings.
- And just a tip...
- Yeah?
Can't wait to get inside!
- Tippy go bye-bye.
- Okay.
I'm not crazy.
Yes, a guy who can tell me
exactly how he feels.
"during that thing,
- No. You?
- Hell, yeah.
- Oh, your life's together?
- Yeah.
one home!
You know, he doesn't run.
Hey, look, I'm sorry about...
I can have 20 of you.
it's like
I've known you forever.
Hello. I don't know,
- This song is for Nick and I!
-♪In your glory and your love ♪
- Yeah.
- Are you sure?
they're going to
be married forever.
♪ To start again
with somebody new... ♪
I'm... I'm innocent.
I didn't... I was framed.
I'm gonna marry you!
Schmidty? Hey.
from being a total wiener fest.
Don't think we need a trip
or anything like that, pal.
Aired 11 years ago - Feb 19, 2013
When Schmidt discovers a previously unknown, yet highly-coveted parking spot, Jess and the roommates battle it out to see who will get to use it. Meanwhile, Winston has a hard time finding a condom when he gets an impromptu invitation from Daisy.
Nicholas Miller
is now a swing vote.
Direct quote-- Scott Caan.
Yeah, sure.
An invisible shirt.
How dare you
accuse me of that.
Thank you.
- a north-south kind of guy.
- Put on a condom.
Mm, I'm gonna
take care of this, okay?
all dressed up in a frosty mug?
Oh.
I'm checking
my e-mails.
What... happened here?
Remember... I mean, it was
like a dare, basically.
I need a condom.
Uh, look, what about that box
of condoms right there, man?
- Okay, that's it.
- Now hear me out.
I'm sorry.
Post-kiss Jess does.
Let me tell you something,
Nicholas Miller.
Okay. Really.
It's him.
and I'm getting confused.
You're the one
making it weird, Nick.
- Weird, weirder, weird.
- Weird, weird.
I'm not going above six,
so don't negotiate with me.
Mine.
over a parking spot, Schmidt.
What is going on?
I need a rubber.
Don't you dare come in my house.
you' gonna get lucky
with a a sexy lady like that?
- This is worse than last time.
- Honestly, physically removing you now.
Okay, I have, like,
a stabbing pain, it's--
When Jessica Day signed
that lease,
That's why I'm wearing
a short skirt and wool tights.
Mm-hmm,
Reason number two
for the no-nail oath--
Daisy.
Daisy...!
It's just different,
Nick, it is.
I would take it back,
I regret it.
that you don't run after her,
you become more and more
Because I'm going to go scare
the feral cats away
You thought
I was going to sleep
Aired 11 years ago - Feb 05, 2013
The gang attends a dating convention, where Cece hopes to find a prospective husband - even as Schmidt hopes to win her back. Meanwhile, Winston's mojo returns, and Jess and Nick get put in a compromising position in front of Dr. Sam.
just as my mother
is finishing her Salt Glow...
You really think you can avoid Grandma
the entire weekend?
I may even fall asleep on the couch
with the TV on.
- I'll see what I can do.
- I'd greatly appreciate it.
I just thought since this weekend
is all about relaxing...
- What are you guys doing tonight?
- It's Friday night.
She wants us to cancel our dates to study.
- is of no interest to anyone?
- What are you talking about?
It's bad enough I wasted time
crunching the numbers with him...
All I had to do was move a decimal point,
and none of this would have happened.
If they have ranch dressing
in the soap dispensers, this place is great.
Hello. I'm Emily Gilmore.
This is my daughter Lorelai.
Yes, I'm going to be Ted Nugent.
Thank you. We're sure we're going to have
a wonderful time.
On the way to your house, I called
to confirm our schedule and found...
- Have some cucumber water.
- No, that's not gonna do it...
Yet another reason to continue the fight
to keep physical education in schools.
J.D. Salinger seems to dig it.
like 'Rock Star,'
'Evil,' or 'Kafka Was Here. '
I mean it. From morning till night.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Having about 40 other people wear it first
is part of the secret.
and minimize the appearance of fine lines.
like it's some badge of honor
not to put on your robe like everyone else.
Apparently, you didn't see
the matching slippers.
- Are your feet sweating?
- Mom?
Let's see what's next on our agenda,
shall we?
That might be nice.
but I didn't really think
they meant a real mud bath.
probably while wearing their robes.
- I haven't been sighing.
... rolling your eyes, mumbling.
Do you want me
to try to get myself another room?
No, that's two orders of garlic nan,
three samosas, and a Chicken vindaloo.
Forty minutes. Great. Bye.
Tell me you're trying to get along with her.
- L...
- You're doing laundry.
- Fine, I'll study with you.
- You will?
Aired 11 years ago - Jan 29, 2013
Nick and Schmidt go out on a "bro's night," but quickly become infatuated with, and highly competitive over, a beautiful woman attracted to sadness. Meanwhile, Winston falls for a girl with absolutely no interest in him, which only makes him more
attracted to her. Then, Jess' decision to have a night alone in the loft doesn't go as planned and involves another round of the drinking game "True American," and a surprising development in her relationship with one of the loft mates.
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That's a Schmidty type
right there.
What a ten, what
a beautiful woman.
He's still reeling
from being dumped.
I think your plan sounds okay.
you all think that I just
want one thing from you.
I'm probably fine,
but I also might be dead.
- You should really talk to her.
- Unbelievable. I am so sad.
There's something at the door
and you have to come home.
The bedrooms are
that way...
but you never listen
during pipe talk.
Do you understand
the position that puts me in?
FDR!
- I...
- Take off your jacket; She's right.
She's pretty sure it's
the Calabasas Scratcher.
In the course of human events,
you must...
Liar! Holly, Holly, look at
these-- these are my abs.
Westward Ho, son!
Westward Ho.
- You're a swell kind of gal.
- Getting worse.
which is that door
there, and kiss.
I made it so clear!
I can see how
in this second instance
inspect those tonsils.
"Let's suck it up
and French a little."
- Should I not? Do you
want dry lips? - No.
One, two... I'm actually
not gonna do a count.
Okay, all right, great.
and my future biracial child.
Having said that,
it's so hard to move on.
You are obsessed!
I would never lie to you.
I haven't lied to you
It will be my final request,
I always have
and always will...
Don't say anything!
Nick, I'm gonna admit it.
That is very nice of you.
What are you doing back there?
Nothing. I just, I didn't
mean it like that.
Help! Help me!
You wouldn't let me out.
Aired 11 years ago - Jan 22, 2013
When Nick is convinced that one of Jess' students is hiding a nefarious secret, he goes undercover in her adult night school class. Meanwhile, Winston has an embarrassing encounter with Cece, causing an examination of all the loft-mate's peculiarities.
Mom's done everything
but slap a Dr. Dre ankle bracelet on me.
That's not in keeping with
what their name implies...
Sadly, because one of the fat ladies
met her maker.
- Can I come in?
- I guess.
There's issues of presentation
that need to be addressed.
- I talk normally.
- For the average Willie Nelson roadie...
Okay. Let's just get going.
I'm on a business trip here,
and I thought I'd check in on Rory.
A couple of days, or for as long as it takes
for them to succumb to my infinite charm.
- There might even be casualties.
- Okay, tell Rory I'll be there.
Girls, I'm sorry to interrupt
The Vinegar Hour, but it's your dad.
Do you want to hear how I used up
my phone time today?
I have to have this single
and you have to get it to me.
Just move these people out.
If you don't know, why are you looking?
- Oh, God.
- All right.
Mrs. O'Malley is impregnable...
It's heads.
from which to consider
doctor-assisted suicide.
...either information or the actual means,
such as medication or other supplies...
as a state that has neither a statute
nor common law...
And after all, the absence of prohibition
against assisted suicide...
and what you're doing
is shouting, 'Notice me!'
as the baby-boomer generation
enters their graying years...
to rebut their charge
of the cruelty of the act...
You put up a good fight.
Better luck next time.
She's got good hair.
Plus, she's been sitting for an hour...
- Nice to meet you.
- I recognize you from your Christmas card.
- The famous Sookie.
- The famous Christopher.
I am so beyond thrilled, I can't tell you.
All he does is talk about you.
- Do we hit the vending machines?
- Invite them to Luke's?
It's more of an expression
than something I actually heard.
- Why don't you come and see our place?
- That would be great!
The verbatim transcripts of the debate
will be ready in a half-hour.
They're gonna want
something to eat and drink!
- Hello?
- Hi, Dad.
You were very poised,
very sure of yourself, just like your dad.
Aired 11 years ago - Jan 15, 2013
When Nick's con-man father suddenly reappears, Jess tries her best to fix the two men's relationship, despite Nick's fears that he's being used in another one of his dad's gambling schemes. Meanwhile, Schmidt teams up with Robby to try to win back Cece.
at the end of his little penis.
I think it's time
for another drink.
and everything will be okay
I guess the joke is on me.
- As in, as in "Shetty Solutions"?
- I think so. Why?
He looks like Hilary Swank mixed
with a sad, wet dog.
I'm a bit of a sucker
for second chances.
It's when I pretend
to be a diabetic kid
All right, Pop, you want me
to lose your money?
Robby, what are, what are
you doing here, man?
It's killing me.
Do you think
she saw me?
All right, look...
Aw, ya gotta be kidding me!
So, what do you, uh,
what do you think?
- will never race again?
- Damn it, Uncle Buck!
And then there are people
who you don't want
but it's not a big deal.
- That's-- no-- with chopsticks?!
- In a taco.
Once we've neutralized
the sub-continental threat,
Let's concentrate
on the broheem part.
Did you use my friend
to buy a horse?
- No, no, no, no, no...!
- Dusty!
I didn't steal
anything from her.
You see,
I go meet the buyer,
You don't understand,
I know she's into that
Gandhi crapola.
- Yes.
- I begged you to wear a sari.
- This is a big Indian orgy?
- Oh, for God sakes.
Oh, that's Pavun. Oh, my God,
look at this guy, he's gorgeous.
I'm not gonna put
you in harm's way.
I'm good.
That's disgusting.
Why he sweating so much?
Take off your belt!
All right, all
right, all right.
Keep talking.
Hey, what do you say, tomorrow,
we go to a game?
did take place today.
Aired 11 years ago - Jan 08, 2013
Jess and Sam go on a weekend getaway with Nick and Angie. But this might not be the trip they expected when Jess starts to party and trouble begins. Could jealousy get in the way of a good time?
Every time I've had something great,
but didn't know what it was...
Everyday things that I must have
witnessed a hundred times before...
Your mother changed her hair...
See if you can find the new
Chanel patent leather pirate boots...
watching me and noticing
when I move a vase, and...
he'll go back to ignoring your hair.
All will be well.
The Oppenheimer Award for Excellence
in school journalism is not a contest.
because of the people
who won the Oppenheimer plaque.
The New York Times, The Wall Street
Journal, The Washington Post...
When I left an hour ago,
you were having coffee.
- We're having roast.
- Okay, if that is what you want.
But I can go to the meeting with you.
I get my hair done
every Wednesday at 3:00.
I'll see you tonight.
Dances with Wolves, The Postman.
- Sold.
- I'll get the Hawk.
These cards are agreements.
and they were looking at this tape
that's kind of mature.
- Take him where?
- I don't care.
The man is driving me insane.
And I will do anything to get it. Anything.
Oh, my God.
The most horrible thing happened.
'to save her mom from spending
the entire day with her father...
So they called my dad,
and he came to get me...
Mom, I promise.
Just make it till the afternoon...
Just do whatever it is
you normally would do.
They were very angry.
- Quite a place you've got here.
- It pays the bills.
- Get up at 5:45.
- Go ahead and order, Lorelai.
It's important
to start the day off correctly.
but their benefits far outweigh
the temporary discomforts...
Listen. I have my father with me all day.
the three of us could meet for dinner.
How does that sound?
- You've got to stop doing that.
- I've been doing some research...
Aired 11 years ago - Dec 11, 2012
When the gang attempts to juggle multiple holiday parties in one night, Jess tries to avoid a remorseful Sam, Nick tries to keep up with a sexually adventurous Angie and Winston panics when he gets a cranberry stuck in his ear.
Do you think the porch is falling apart,
or do you weigh a ton?
Tens of thousands of them.
Subterranean, drywood, the whole gamut.
Kirk, that's crazy.
- What do I do, tent the place?
- To start with, yes.
- All for the low price of...
- I haven't done the exact estimate.
You can just fix part of the house,
the part you like.
- Eleven, twelve, here.
- Thanks.
Boys. A Nancy Drew mystery.
- Yeah. Yesterday.
- And?
This morning. I came downstairs,
and there they were, sitting on the table.
Could've knocked me over with a feather.
- Thank you.
- Those are great scores.
- So, are you?
- Am I what?
Why won't you tell me your score?
And as soon as you're asleep,
you won't, either.
their tail things and their pointy tentacles.
You would have to be deaf in one ear
not to hear the phone ring 20 or 30 times.
Absolutely. We can raid the fridge, we can
make a nice avocado-mango facemask.
I'll put my stuff in the guest room.
- $2,000.
- That sucks.
Well, wait, what's that?
- Interesting.
- What's interesting?
You organized the 'Save the Historic
Oak Tree' campaign.
I bet there's a room at the inn
you could stay in, part-time at least.
Sometimes I don't stack them properly,
and then they fall...
- Sookie, Jackson's hiding in the closet.
- Yes, he is.
Will you be fine there all night?
'Cause we're staying all night.
I have a cousin who owns
a Xerox company that specializes...
- Why?
- Because you sound too eager.
Honey, we're making milkshakes.
You want to come in and help?
- Mrs. Kim, hi. I was just...
- Out!
- They move on their own.
- See all the furniture in there? Wood.
What's that moving by your foot?
I see something moving.
We have to stop talking to people.
I thought it would be
interesting to compare...
- Let me talk to her.
- Paris isn't here.
- Why won't you tell me?
- Bye, Paris.
I've got computer screens
feeling sorry for me.
Of course they'd say yes.
And that yes would be followed by:
- How?
- I don't know yet.
I'm not gonna deal with my parents
on this one. No.
When you resign, you have to put in
certain time to get things in order.
Aired 11 years ago - Dec 04, 2012
Tired of taking showers, Jess and Winston scheme to get a bathtub in the loft. Then, at the bar, Nick meets a tough and beautiful customer with boyfriend troubles. Meanwhile, Schmidt is torn between his boss and trying to win back Cece.
I love baths-- I do.
and install it in the middle
of the night, and then
There's... cool.
It's cool.
a beautiful, healthy marriage.
What's your problem, Nick-- how
long you been standing there?
- I want your blessing. - Schmidt, fine,
you got my blessing, okay? Just...
- Thank you, Nick.
- Come on!
So, I've, uh, handled
this one-man job,
Thank you, bye.
Got any meth?
I just don't think
the meth-heads
my summer condoms--
citrus-flavored,
He's going down.
Sorry...
- The point is it's not my...
- What are you afraid of?
I can't believe
you'd say that to me.
- Why is my face numb?
- Okay, I'm gonna say this once.
You brought a pigeon
into my house?
I used to think
I'm up for a huge
promotion at work.
Your mom's in the majority.
Wiston, are you out of your head?
Shut up, hey, Jess, no.
Look, I really want to.
Heart. Spirit. Body. Party.
- Emma, I really... - Is there something
more important than work?
- Jess, I don't believe you.
- No, seriously, watch.
It just feels like death...
plus more death.
- It's so hot in here!
- Jess, the door is stuck!
Okay, let's get you down
right next to that dirty pole.
- Completely naked.
- Mike, where's my taco?
Why did I cross the bar?
- so she could have sex
with you, your boss? - No.
We got it, we got it, Remy.
Next time that happens to you,
Aired 11 years ago - Nov 27, 2012
When Jess learns that a friend is pregnant, both she and Cece panic that time is running out for them to have children. Meanwhile, Schmidt seeks advice on how to please Emma, and Nick and Winston visit the zoo to find inspiration for Nick's zombie-themed novel.
together with
my third-period Shakespeare...
and interpret the scene
in your own individual manner.
should highlight the themes
you see in the scene.
and I'm sure whatever you two
are talking about here...
It'll be a lot scarier
once she gets a megaphone in her hands.
and put it back together
in the science building hallway.
It's very On the Town.
That's right. Wow, you don't
hear the word 'wedlock' much anymore.
She's still mulling over the screen tests.
We'll find out tomorrow.
Hello, Mrs. Kim. This is Rory.
May I please speak with Lane?
Tomorrow we look into private school.
Okay, I'm gone.
I told you, correct change.
Go in for that dollar-bill nonsense...
Okay. Are you trying to gross me out
so I can't eat my burrito?
- Such perception.
- And in one so young and beautiful.
Unless you're firmly into the coin thing.
Then I know a good Automat.
- Hi. I'm Rory.
- Brad. From third-period Shakespeare.
Besides, we have the death scene.
It's classic. It's famous. Who are you?
and if you plan on missing rehearsal,
you'd better bring a coroner's note.
Fine. You have four other acts
to choose from. Take your pick.
Yes, we have great need.
You can be our Romeo.
Someone's letting her personal feelings
interfere with her leadership.
Wrong. Juliet's supposed to be chaste.
I did some location scouting this morning,
and I think the courtyard...
- Would you die?
- Just hand me the plate.
- whereas this little guy...
- Fernando.
- I guess I can put my change in him.
- Thank you.
- You just made that up.
- I did not.
Look at this skirt. I'm not hibernating.
If it'll make you feel any better,
I just got asked out the other night.
- No, like a real burrito.
- You've stolen his burrito.
Honey, come on,
every guy doesn't have to be 'the guy. '
into a cautionary tale of what happens
when children disobey their parents.
- There's a miss-patty. Net?
- Have you heard of it?
- Tristin is in our group.
- Yeah, you told me.
Because if Tristin sees Dean,
he'll tell him...
Aired 11 years ago - Nov 20, 2012
Jess invites her divorced Mom and Dad over for Thanksgiving dinner and enlists Nick and Cece to help her with a "Parent Trap" to reunite them. Meanwhile, Schmidt's cousin, Big Schmidt, visits, and Winston manipulates them into an escalating battle to prove their manhood.
- Nice.
- Coffee?
- Out!
- Wow. So much love.
Now, out of respect for you,
I'm gonna stop using her name...
Didn't have a bookkeeper,
accountant, or anything.
Otherwise, it's identical.
- That could work.
- What could work?
Or 'The Inn Heading for Bankruptcy'?
Kind of long, but nice.
Therefore, delivering it was
beyond my official obligations...
Not some cigar-chomping,
dirty-dealing city slicker.
- I'm gonna go sit down.
- Do that, sweetie.
even though
it's a completely different berry.
Could Sookie and I talk to you
for a couple minutes?
so tell me what's on your mind.
- We'd actually like to buy it.
- Buy the Dragonfly?
You are going to be so successful.
I'm the last Westin left,
so I plan to own it forever.
What happens to the place if you...
If forever isn't quite forever?
- Well, if you...
- Take a long vacation.
Okay. I mean a longer vacation
than a trip to California.
And with that being the case...
- with a 1000-yard Asian stare thrown in.
- That should do it.
A crime was committed
right in front of my store!
- Meaning that there were two crimes.
- What?
I don't know. I got here,
and this is what I found.
Who'd be depraved enough
to pull a stupid prank like this?
When an auditor wants to know why
you need such large amounts of those?
You, me, Rory, Jackson, Michel, everyone,
gray hair, walking around with canes...
Not necessarily.
Did you look up angina? I forgot to.
- You're kidding. When?
- I just spotted her walking in.
And you're both too beautiful.
I had a feeling that a lovely woman
was going to be visiting today...
I didn't get that, either.
Did you get the tapes I sent you?
It's a little slow now, so it's no problem.
- Mia, you know anything about toasters?
- Not a damn thing.
- Drag. You know that blue coat?
- You're not getting it.
You don't need me down here, do you?
How very John Birch Society of you.
- You were a Trekkie?
- I was not a Trekkie.
- Luke, I need to talk to you right now.
- What is it, Taylor?
- Are you gonna listen?
- What's this got to do with me?
- What are you gonna do about it?
- About what?
You are impossible!
Do you realize it was 15 years ago,
almost to the day?
Well, IBM had turned me down
for the CEO slot, so I was desperate.
- Well, they were so slow.
- You were special.
Without you, I wouldn't know
what to do. I'd be lost.
Aired 11 years ago - Nov 13, 2012
As Jess' job search kicks into high gear, the guys fear her time of the month is also affecting their physical and psychological well-being. Meanwhile, Schmidt begins a "50 Shades of Grey"-type of relationship with his corporate boss, and Nick gains wisdom from an unlikely, hands-on (and mute) source.
Like... You know, but less feminine.
- Are you gonna walk?
- I'm wearing heels.
- You don't need all these.
- I think I do.
Still there, Michel?
- This is a sickness. Michel?
- I am growing very old.
You're gonna tip over
from the weight of that backpack.
- Your name's Rory, isn't it? Rory Gilmore?
- Yes.
I am a stickler, yes.
I only slipped one time last year.
It's a big story.
I'm surprised I don't tell it better.
I do, sometimes. In class, all the time.
with the guy banging the cymbals,
it drives me nuts.
- I assume you want to go to a university.
- Absolutely.
- What does she expect?
- She said, 'Mix it up. '
- Don't say that.
- Maybe I am a loner.
I don't like this.
Schools like Chilton try to stamp out...
I just want to you know that I overheard,
and you're absolutely right.
I checked my records to remind myself
why I asked you in...
Well, I wanted to talk to you about Rory,
and this ridiculous accusation...
That doesn't surprise me,
based on my research.
That's good. It means
I haven't gotten into trouble.
Ms. Gilmore, active participation
in Chilton activities for a parent...
I hope you're not too busy
to do what's best for you...
- What happened? Did you talk to him?
- I did.
- He what?
- He pulled out a file...
So we both got busted. Great.
saying things like,
'Hey, she's keen, look at her. '
- What do you say? Deal?
- Deal.
There's a bad draft where I usually sit,
kind of like a big downward gust.
- Your name is Lori?
- Rory.
That's Azure, Lily, Celine,
Lana, Asia, Anna, and Lem.
- Rory, huh? Do they call you 'Ror'?
- Not unless provoked.
Nobody just sits down with them.
You have to be invited.
My cousin got her internship
at the Supreme Court...
I didn't mention you.
I've done everything except a manicure.
My family's name and reputation,
not to mention my entire future...
You know what? Never mind.
Do what you want. I don't care.
It's like waking up one day
and realizing everyone in your family...
- Wow. She really is barbecuing.
- Cool.
Human beings eat inside
with napkins and utensils.
- I'm extremely disappointed in you.
- Hold on, Mom.
That's just incomprehensible.
Aired 12 years ago - Oct 30, 2012
Jess gets a job as a zombie at a haunted house, but is more frightened of her changing feelings towards Sam. Schmidt and Cece are perfectly matched in the costumes they're wearing, while Winston and Shelby are worlds apart in theirs. Nick gets a visit from a former college crush who shows her affection in a scary way.
- Don't lie.
- A-plus.
- Rory.
- Yeah?
Part of the deal of you staying here
is that you work here.
- Another new one, Emily?
- Yes.
- What a shame.
- It wasn't all dull.
He has another family in Salisbury.
I can't believe I missed that.
His back and knees, very bad knees.
- The nose.
- Walk around, sweetie.
- Sixteen.
- That's a nice age.
Please. For Emily Gilmore
I'm sure they'll bend the rules.
It'll be your crowning moment.
Her DAR friends are all there,
they're talking about...
for a person to be properly presented
to society.
to something that in another universe
they would never consider.
Do you know
what a coming-out party says?
- except sheep don't wear hoop skirts.
- I promised.
All right, then.
If you're sure, where do we start?
It says your father is supposed
to present you at the ceremony.
that should weird you out
about coming out...
we headed across the Atlantic,
now we're huge with the Nordic set.
- Moving on, then.
- I have some shocking news.
Did you tell her about
Barbara Hutton, Doris Duke?
but as you will remember, part of
the coming-out process involves...
She has a mother who will hunt you down
like a half-price Kate Spade purse...
- Christopher.
- I'm kidding.
He's gonna walk you down the stairs,
turn you in a circle, watch you curtsy...
It's the Rock and Roll
Hall of Fame Induction.
'All escorts must be properly attired...
Remember that I'll be watching
BattleBots with you for a month.
- Thank God I'm here now.
- I missed you.
and seat belts, and my God,
it smells like a forest.
Thank you. I love it.
I'll look things up right now.
Yes, but I didn't think you had.
with Linda from marketing, and after
two weeks, they give me a paycheck.
George Lucas wishes
he had this sound system.
Next time, instead of a dictionary,
just slip her a crisp $20.
Mom, there'd have to be a 12-kilometer
run and a jujitsu demonstration...
- especially if she's sequestered.
- You make me tired.
- But these have bulldogs on them. Look.
- I'll look at them later.
You planned this ridiculous affair,
you pick up my tuxedo.
He just seems a little less jolly than usual.
Look each other in the eye.
Dean, are you leading?
Then when turning, whip your head
around and find your spot again.
Aired 12 years ago - Oct 23, 2012
After spending a wild night out with Cece and her model friends, Jess jumps in the driver's seat when she must fill in for Cece at a car show. Meanwhile, the guys question what defines male friendship after Schmidt buys Nick a cookie.
- No, just enough.
- Thanks for the input. You can go now.
- Okay, now, what is going on?
- Nothing.
- Your sister's moving here?
- No.
So she's sending him here, just like that?
- You?
- Yes.
- How old is he?
- Seventeen.
- I don't know exactly.
- You might want to find out.
My dad worked all the time
and I worked in the store with my dad...
She just took off. Married
the hot dog king, had a kid, he left.
I'm getting him a bed.
This is just temporary.
I know.
I respect that.
But what if he turns out to be Fredo?
- You do have an extra set of sheets, right?
- Yes, I do.
We're going to sit in the same classroom,
share the same oxygen.
- I'm well aware of that.
- So I'm just suggesting that we coexist.
- The paper could be really great this year.
- I know.
There's going to be a lot of
long afternoons and weekends.
All of this gets done on weekends.
There's the bathroom,
there's the closet, there's the dresser...
- You need some help?
- Nope.
- Rory.
- Hey.
- Why, I'm shocked.
- Wait, just let me check my list here.
Is it environmentally safe?
What are the financial ramifications?
- I'll do it, okay? I'll cover the paving.
- Okay, good.
I'll be thrilled with next week's scoop
on the plumbing installation.
If you'll excuse me, I have some reading
to do on the origins of concrete.
Sorry.
Way around what? This is Stars Hollow.
- Lf he's dumb.
- He's fine. New topic.
Okay, it's nice to meet you.
He probably just realized
there are 12 stores in this town...
It'll be a little,
'Hey, welcome to Stars Hollow.
- You've no idea who I'm talking about.
- Solidarity, sister.
- Just the paper stuff. The rest was good.
- I'm glad to hear it.
I saw him in the hallway
and I walked the other way.
- Especially not on my account, okay?
- All right.
for the new dodo on
the Regis show anytime soon.
- Got enough space in the closet?
- Plenty.
Aired 12 years ago - Oct 09, 2012
Jess and Schmidt are determined to befriend their new, young neighbors; Nick plays a series of pranks on Schmidt.
Okay, so if we continue
on the way we've been going...
Actually, I'm gonna be out of town
for a couple of days.
but you should know we all still love Max.
To figure out what happened...
Good. I know the kind of work
you were gonna put into it.
Hopefully, they will all have chatted it
out of their systems before we get home.
we're headed toward
Portsmouth, New Hampshire.
I myself am not usually a fan of B & B,
but Donald's place is different.
so people ring the bell,
and they love to ring the bell.
No, I bought this place from Donald
last year. It's my place now.
I don't care for eclectic.
I don't think B & Bers do, either.
- A hollow tree, a riverbank, I don't care.
- Mom, I'm tired and I'm starving.
I'll take you there myself.
Let me just grab your bags.
- Are they moving?
- It looks like it, doesn't it?
If you need anything,
you just ring down or come down...
- What?
- Dentists.
Mom, I'm starving.
I'm going down there. You can stay here.
In three hours, they've participated in
every inane B & B group activity known.
- I'm not really sleepy.
- Me, neither.
Because I don't want to.
- Because I think you really love him...
- Enough!
Says the woman
with the Hello Kitty waffle iron.
- And then, all of a sudden, you're out.
- I changed my mind.
with dentists singing in the background!
You have no idea how much.
- What's with the face?
- They're taller.
- 'Satanic forces are at work here. ' Mom.
- What?
- Last night.
- We're good.
We're in luck. Breakfast just ended.
Hello, strangers.
We don't put things like this
on the freaking list...
So, Ladawn says you're in publishing.
And then when I get home,
I'll look them up.
The horse learns to bark, and then he...
Would you guys excuse me
for just a second?
Honey, publishing waits for no man.
Got to keep the presses pressing.
- You've been sitting there for two hours.
- I want one more coffee.
It worked just like you wanted,
with one notable exception.
He's coming over. Hang on.
In fact, everyone's coffee
is on the house today.
Aired 12 years ago - Oct 02, 2012
Jess and Nick discuss their relationship; Schmidt pretends to be one of Mitt Romney's sons in hope of landing a date with a beautiful Republican.
'We have buried
the putrid corpse of liberty. '
I've got a Nikon, too.
How about lunch and the cost of the film?
'cause it's here you'll be going to.
- Do you have to be there while they work?
- What do you mean?
- You think you're ready for me?
- I'm always ready for you.
- So what are we doing tonight?
- I'll do whatever.
We could watch Holy Grail on tape again.
- No, it's not. It's on the 24th.
- That was our old anniversary.
- So a double date? With adults?
- No, just with Mom and Max.
They're well spread apart,
the 6th and the 24th.
- I've got numerous scars.
- I cut you that one, two times...
- Grow our hair long and stop bathing.
- Please don't.
- 'if it's the last thing I do. '
- He so jinxed himself with that one.
- Let's do some jumping jacks.
- Spread out.
You're talking through parts
we talked through last time.
- With longer legs.
- Even if we all left for the phone...
- Electra Woman?
- I think it's time to turn in.
This is weird.
- You like Max.
- No. Yes, I do, but it's weird.
No. Wake up.
- nothing will ever be the same again.
- I know.
- could never possibly have conceived.
- Like the giant ants in Them!?
I don't remember
ever walking around in the buff.
I'm gonna call you Funny Bottoms
from now on.
- Can you clear that one off?
- Why?
Reading three papers all reporting
the same news is a terrific use of trees.
- This isn't a very financially-oriented town.
- Yes, it's more oriented to coffee.
- I'll just be a minute.
- It's okay, we'll wait.
Not when it's a matter
of dire public safety...
Well, it could always be taken out
with your bare hands or your teeth.
You know, I have to make some calls
about this thing before it's too late.
- Am I exaggerating?
- Nope.
I'm not confused. I'm just...
What do you mean?
- And go with their bits.
- Their bits?
That one I knew.
- You have much knowledge.
- You got that from Rory.
Aired 12 years ago - Sep 25, 2012
Jess pretends she's someone else when a handsome stranger mistakes her for his blind date. Meanwhile, a patron at Nick's bar claims to be Nick from the future, and Winston's disapproving mother pays him a visit.
I was working in real estate,
but I got laid off, so...
Hey.
Hey, Nick, I know what I'm gonna
do with all my free time.
Boom. Illegal use
of the hands. Boom.
Hi. Excuse me.
Are you Katie?
I had to put her-im down
on the way here.
I'm a time traveler.
because you like
three feet of bar
You were wrong
about the bar!
Forty-two.
One, Marie Antoinette.
Two, Cleopatra.
Do you want me
to tell you?
I have visions
of me, Kanye, Beyoncé...
It wasn't.. It was me having sex.
- These are my roommates.
- Hey.
Yep. He is.
They call him, uh, Cricket.
No, no, Look at that vert.
Oh, man.
- Vintage Katie.
- Like an animal you are.
Well, I hope you don't like him,
'cause you're not coming back
I've never had two guys
into me before.
For me, it's every time
I Jet Ski.
to juggle men.
Ooh.
If anybody asks,
you're the ball boy.
The L.A. Sparks.
- With a simple...
- Mm-hmm.
"Because once you see my body,
Oh, you're so hot.
Like, "Rrr, I'm gonna
attack you in the wild."
- Wait, which one did you want me to give your number to?
- Andy.
to stop cleaning
the kitchen so much, Jess.
Um, when Nick...
what I was gonna say was, um...
And it's
Sergeant Giddyap Carruthers.
- In my... face.
- Oh, no, um,
Z is for Zombie?
Hey, tell her you're sorry.
Oh, God.
Why are you... if you're sick,
- He's so handsome.
- Very handsome.
we are all off the grid.
It's time.
Make her an old-fashioned.
Beep, beep, boop, beep,
ba, ba, ba, beep.
I could grow up to
be Jenny McCarthy.
Aired 12 years ago - Sep 25, 2012
Jess is laid off from her teaching job and volunteers to be a shot girl at Schmidt's "rebranding" party.
Okay, you can take another one.
- Goodness, the smell, man.
- We have done nothing but love you, Schmidt.
Nick, your brand
is gypsy alcoholic handyman.
Not a party;
A rebranding event.
my badminton partner,
my financial planner,
Jess, oh, my God.
I'm overthinking it.
The hat's fine.
Is this making you
feel better?
- I get that, actually.
- And only you
but then I grew up.
- I'm wearing a suit.
- A suit? Please.
I'm going to go to my room
and process what just happened.
So I just want you to go
about your day and act normal.
- Act normal, okay?
- If that's what you want.
My boobs are loving
this unemployed thing.
"I'm Nick. I hate sunshine.
I don't have it today.
I don't know what it is.
- What are you...?
- Hire me. I am a people person.
Tonight is about one man's
functioning penis.
- She doesn't have it.
- Are you saying I'm not hot?
Add on top of that two years
of light tap and jazz.
Yeah, interesting choices.
- You like someone?
- Good stuff.
I don't work with amateurs.
Thank you for your honesty.
they still call that
"Schmidting the bed."
Yes! My penis is working!
I'm really glad that you came.
- Flip it, man, flip it!
- I'm flipping it!
And here comes the weirdness.
Oh, there's one right there.
Didn't see that one before.
This feels good.
I'm gonna go.
The only thing
easier than this
So stop feeling sorry
for yourself, kid,
♪ Sexy girl
all around the world ♪
♪ Just shake your hips
and put that ass to work ♪
Luckily, I've got something
up my sleeve.
Shot girl!
Hey, J-Jess, Jess.
Fire...
Um, this is definitely
real fire.
Cece, watch this one.
You really scared him.
We are far too alike.