The League

In the series finale, the fates of the Shiva, Sacko and Snip are decided and Ruxin makes a big decision that impacts his chances of winning and the league's survival.

Uh-oh. What's that? (harmonizing)

♪ And now marital bliss ♪

I'd like to say a few words, if I may.

What's just below like and above dislike?

let one vanishing wreck a whole afternoon of a cappella fun.

Andre is so sexy.

around week seven or eight of the season.

it's just a weird night. Sleep.

and chomping down on the truth!

Is it a boy or is it a girl?

(sighs) Hey, honey, I'm ho.

Plus, if you must know, my very serious girlfriend Margaret

It's about to get weird! (chuckles)

Huh? Don't judge me, Brian.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, my gosh. I didn't know what to get you, I'm sorry.

I can't help you win a fake football league.

it's a little early for you to be dating.

You're welcome? Yeah.

What?! What the hell? Who are you?

So you're me.

Hey, come on, I want to show you something. Just show it to me here.

Still licking food and putting it back. Classic.

Kevin?! Kevin, oh, my God, help me! Help!

Maybe, biatch.

Okay. Okay, fine.

(giggles)

Mm.

Mm.

This...

Oh, I told 'em that the trophies were...

even if means going to jail.

Oh, you know what? Forget it. You...

and you have Justin Tucker.

Yeah. Refs. Okay. All right.

You know, I am rich enough that this really shouldn't bother me,

(shouting): Shiva Komedi Somakanakram!

I'm not doing this! Jenny! Oh, Jenny, come on!

How are we gonna solve this?

PETE: Is this what it comes down to?

JENNY: Oh, no! KEVIN: Oh!

in the Dumpster right now if that's where they are...

Ever since I've known you, you have

All the winners and losers are accounted for.

The league is kicked off their fantasy football website, so Kevin runs the league old school. Jenny deals with loss. Rafi counsels Ruxin. Andre tries to co-opt Ruxin's dinner reservation.

or Ruxin's reservation?

You know what, no rezzy. We're sorry, we're booked.

It's like bragging about your mistress to your wife.

What does that say?

It's called, like, a national park.

You gotta fix this, Kevin. You're the commissioner.

We have cell phones and apps and we don't read articles

Oh, well, we're fully booked until, uh, March.

It's just...

but it's not awful, because at the funeral,

Oh, hold on one second. This is crazy.

because it seems to be pouring out of you

and maybe his wife.

We go, you talk to the maître d',

is facing death.

Right, Doctor? I'm out.

because we've got so many more stages to go.

"Drop Matt Prater, add Robbie Gould."

No, do not come over. Andre! (fax machine whirring)

"Adam Vinatieri."

the message board's offline, so it's now powered by MyFace.

And since when are you a come junkie?

That's not how the message board works.

So I'm guessing Ruxin still hasn't left his house.

Anybody got tabs on how Devonta Freeman is doing?

every 30 seconds or weekly payouts.

And then to have that trophy

and you wanted to be inside the Pleasures of Andre's Sister.

I was gonna say, it's very interesting,

God, Ruxin's at it again. Oh, you know what?

with fax after fax after fax.

to do stuff, so... for now, that's going to be me.

I cooked it in the kitchen.

You know what? TV off, okay?

His name is Kevin!

I pooped on it this morning,

and bam! 12 hundred and 17.

No, no, no, no.

So for tonight, I will be Sofia.

No, I'm not playing hard to get. Okay, I'll play

Now we're talking.

Ruxin. Time out, Ruxin.

You did it.

I got this.

Everybody calls me Ruspin.

Driver's license?

Mr. Raxin, it's a pleasure to finally meet you.

Guys, don't worry, I have all the fantasy news

I'm in the running for a million dollars.

JENNY: Come on, baby. Come on. Okay. Bam. Check it out.

Sofia decides to get plastic surgery and Ruxin has to deal with the aftermath. Elsewhere: Rafi and Dirty Randy travel to Puerto Rico.

but I don't think I can set my lineup this week.

Did he say give him a win?

taking as much crap off Ruxin's plate as possible,

To win the whole thing? Kevin!

He's in the shower?

It's $990.

Can we just finish this coffin... My sandwich and banana.

Heard that Papi won't let the body go.

I would honestly say a German Shepherd,

Is there anything you can do, Rafi?

Mmm. Bleh.

Never. Never clap at a funeral.

And she was so beautiful, this is such a tragedy.

And I want to ride it This just puts everything in perspective.

Love has been rejected?

Why is my life so much harder than everybody else's?!

Why? in many ways, my better half.

I'm the, uh, brother-lover of the deceased.

I was struggling to keep my head above water.

Bad news.

Weird.

we're gonna get her body, bring it back to Chicago,

Oh, my God.

Looks like Randy and Rafi are going to Puerto Rico

Dude, this is the best way to travel.

You disgust me.

He's got San Juan wired.

Okay, we'd better jump, then.

Oh, no, Puerto Rico is part of the United States.

Oh. No, that's a four-foot shit.

or I swear to God, I will break your dick off!

Why aren't you in Westeros burying Stannis Baratheon?

Randy, we need to find out what a morgue is

Don't worry, I'll take care of this.

Dude.

Look at this hog. Oh, man!

What is it with you and doctors' penises?

in a Puerto Rican prison.

I did not have sex with that cat and if I did,

Ooh, fire extinguisher. Much better.

Wait a minute.

Just keep trying! Ah!

Okay, we ditched 'em.

All right, dude,

or they just shove it in with their hands?

Oh, that's awesome.

Taco retires from sex because of concussions. Andre's one night stand with an Uber driver goes awry. Pete binge watches seven seasons of "The Block;" and Ruxin and Sofia use the internet to keep up their sex life while she is in Puerto Rico.

Andre, you are the best!

Hasta le vista, baby.

We were just having this witty back and forth.

"People are people."

Reason why you should never get cloth seats--

Really? That's what I was going for!

I felt it was a little circuitous.

Hey. Hey, Pete Eckhart. Dave.

With real people. Well,

Yeah! You like The Block?

Agent Baker is my spirit animal. He shaped, really,

- and Wizard of Oz playing in the background. - Shut your hole.

Are you supposed to be drinking and driving?

It was a great, intense... one-night

"Claire, stop talking to my wife."

So, if I

If it's so good, why is it ending after seven seasons?

Alert me. Time schisms are very, very important.

to keep an eye on all of these corrupt cops.

How do you tell the difference between L.E. and L.E. Prime?

No! Reggie's back with Baker.

just so I can impress these goddamn refs.

My Uber driver is stalking me.

Oh, sint, they're up to their old tricks again.

We got to do it right.

Can I come in costume? Can I stop you?

No, no, I'm-I'm okay. I'm okay.

Wonder Well to clean up the system.

That one. It's a schism within a schism.

Wait. Is this whole episode a dream or a flash-forward?

is the problem.

Ooh, boy. Ah, sint.

Can you examine me, please? For what?

Impulse control problems?

Oh, my God, I'm losing it! Aah!

T-shirt from Old Navy, boxer... from the Gap.

Rodney?

You're a dirty little lady, huh?

I could pick any image on the Internet

Come on, it'll be fine. Come on.

It's a Block party! You know, why don't you just

We're still figuring out a lot of things.

Baker and L.E. Yes!

to watch the entire show.

Goddamn this brain! All right, all right.

Let me tell you something.

Pete isn't sure if he wants to commit to Libby. Taco embraces his day job in the banking world. Andre's patient is a college crush.

Yeah, but I need more deets.

If I show up to that birthday party,

Points go down, playing time goes down, blow jobs go down.

I need a conference call

Oh... You!

- Of course. - In fact, we're gonna do a-a birthday party for him.

What was so funny?

I was laughing because I remember the time

Um, I... was like...

This is bananas! Yeah, um...

Um, well, I would love to meet up with you.

This is crazy. Ah, great. Oh! Ah!

"I could imagine the two of you being together

It's not racist, but it's very rude.

Guys, let me tell you who I saw today.

Andre, you were obsessed with her in college.

Look, if you're having problems with

- Do I have a choice? - All right.

and she's exceeded all of our expectations.

Don't do that. No, it's a terrible thing.

Ow! Yeah, girl! Oh, shit!

Oh!

This is three weeks ago.

she's having lunch downtown

Andre! Miss Barber.

I didn't exp... I wasn't expec...

And I want to be able to make love with the lights on,

This one is completely shy.

All right. I got it. I've-I've-I've seen

All right, so, I feel like,

You're being a hypochondriac, so... Whew!

Why didn't we leave sooner? We need a safe word.

Hah! Tickle me and rub my bell.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, I'm not black!

Hey, Dumbo, your friends are dicks!

Your brother-- does he still have the Mr. McJiblets suit?

Make it happen. Yup!

Well, looks like my work is done here, gentlemen.

about Brittany. I don't know what to do. I need help.

But she's a patient. I have to operate.

You won't be able to operate,

Check the cooks.

Yeah, he performed my... penile... sharpening.

- Taco, you have to come to this party with me, in this outfit! - No, no, no...

Excuse me, do you know where this building is?

Order my shots! Hey, girl!

Oh, I'm so happy you came! Happy birthday!

- Okay. - Look, turning 30 has got me doing some thinking,

Andre joins a Korean church for the parking. Detroit wide receiver Golden Tate flips the script when he and Taco create a fantasy workplace league and draft the others.

and come on in.

♪ Free parking! Halleluiah! ♪

big shirt.

I'm married, right?

but with you, they really lose.

Ooh, looks like that trade

and I wake up in the morning, and I'm sore,

It's my bye week, and I figured I'd come hang out in Chicago,

punch you in the face.

you kind of shat up my bed.

What do you think about a workplace fantasy league?

All right, workplace fantasy week one.

Um, just wanted to go over

Maybe I'll just, like, drive around for a while."

What...?

"Oh, Jesus, let's just do it."

that you've ever done this whole...

So I told you guys, I didn't Cosby her.

We gotta beat this Coin.

You want me just to dump Philip Rivers?

No one.

Do you go to this church?

I just wish I spoke more Korean. Andre...

Sometimes I just sing Cyndi Lauper's "True Colors,"

You're gonna have to hold Jenny's legs up.

You're not gonna let your own bro bro-bone you, bro?

we have some unfinished business, Mr. Ruspin.

about Mr. Tom Rivers, the filthy slumlord...

Really? That's right.

Well, that's 'cause you're in first place.

Never again-- in the courtroom or out.

I will not collude in your courtroom

He's not even a player. I know.

What is the ADL?

We missed you at the bibimbap-luck. The what then?

I don't just use it for free parking.

Yeah, tho... uh, those people, yes.

If you do construction, there's, uh, a big leak

Uh, tomorrow night, I'm shaving ironic mustaches

You do. I'm gonna take advantage of our amazing parking spot

that's gonna help with your super-boring sex life.

That's just technically a harness, right?

Ruxin, I'm counting on you, bud.

Mr. Tate, big fan.

Mr. Rivers, how many different lawsuits

Andre uses the EBDBBnB for farming. Taco acquires a drone. Pete's new referee friend has Kevin feeling insecure.

out of parted cars and sells it on the side of the road.

Come on, Flying Taco, let's go chop up some kites.

Oh! Just wanted to say hi.

Hey. I'm Kevin.

Could be complicated, but, um... Oh, yeah, no.

Okay, fine. Well, I'm just here with my bros and my hos.

It's not Asian. I'm a cowboy. Supposed to be a farmer.

This is your farm? Yup.

I'm also trying to grow an entire salad's worth

I'm gonna go have sex with someone. Wait up!

- Why? - Because if they win one more game, they go to the play-offs.

freshen up, I'm on my way out the door.

It's like we've been doing this for years together.

An adult alcoholic beverage.

Ooh. I got a love sprout.

No, no, no, no. You're staying right here.

Wait. Wait. I don't know who's...

Kev!

Pete, Pete. I'm not on your team, man.

I just got caught in some farm stuff. Farm stuff?

Heirloom... cucumbers, heirloom radishes.

"You got to... you got to stroke the land,

I would love to see this heirloom hand-job farm.

The only problem is, I can't produce a farm.

because I'm actually gonna be reffing Ellie's soccer game.

Oh, no, Ref Kev.

Oh. I'm gonna get a beer.

that made a win easy for the other team?

Something a McAsterisk should probably learn.

And I will not be sullied by your dirty plan.

That's where you guys come in.

Not a plantation, okay?

I can't take it down. The condoms are still wet.

Erotic? This is the least erotic scarecrow I have.

Check it out. What are you talking about?

Oh, and him.

Uh-oh.

You know.

put the cocoa... oh, goddamn!

No farmer has hands this soft and smooth.

I don't know-- a guy like me.

I mean, where I come from,

I don't know. It's kind of sweet.

I got eyes on you!

What kind of low-life deals with this son of a bitch?

Pete decides to run the Beer Mile with Taco as his coach. Kevin tries to figure out where the gardener goes to the bathroom. Jenny's matchup with Andre means playing Andre and Meegan.

Hey, Pete. Taco. What are you doing?

Take a look.

Apparently, you're not allowed to take mind-enhancing drugs

So, how are you feeling about the games this weekend?

'Cause, you know, Andre has Brandin Cooks

That's where I got it. Isn't it so cute?

Oh, like when I convince Andre to role-play

you get final cut.

#LosingSucks. Bye!

Oh, come on!

Take a breather. I'm gonna get more beer. Oh, okay.

like the side of the road or the Pacific Ocean.

Yeah, I go in the shower. The only bad part is

No, I'm not an animal. I have a shower spatula.

Taco, we made pancakes this morning. Oh, don't be

Come on, you been nursing the same beer

We got seven more cases to get through.

Let's go, let's go, let's go, let's go! O... Okay.

All right, Pete,

No, no, no, no, no, suck it back in, suck it back in.

or the Nehru collar with the scarf?

that Brandin Cooks is gonna score more points, that's all.

I want to share final cut.

You're gonna look fantastic.

Fantasy football can never come between us.

No, that's... that wouldn't do it.

I can use the house? What?

Now we know the answer to the ago-old question:

Come on, the race is this weekend. Oh, yeah, by the way, the race

It feels like it should work, but...

Uh, Ernesto,

give me the name of your gardener. You got to go

It's a little messy. I'm so sorry. Yeah. Here. Come on in. Can I,

Who are you gonna play in your flex? Uh,

- together? - Oh, it's simple.

Um, Ernesto, I just, um... You're doing a great job.

No! No, no. No! I'm just...

Luis, Carmen, and Maria, they call you Uncle Kevin!

Ernesto, do you hold it?!

This was mine.

It is time. Here, It's our time.

Chug! Chug! All right, let's do this, Pete! Taco? Are you running?

You look like Lameheart. You're looking at a winner,

my friend. In fact,

- final cut, we're gonna fight about fantasy football. - You ca...

Kevin is uncomfortable with Ellie's new sex-ed class. Taco starts a Little Eskimo Brothers program at the EBDBBnB.

Hi, Kevin.

about us being a couple and...

Oh, I'm back.

What's the matter, Kev?

Oh, my goodness.

All right, all right, all right.

of the more clean things she'd hear in that house.

Eh, is it though? I mean, I feel like in life

Well done, keeping 'em coming. Thank you.

Absolutely. What subject are we talking about?

It's a therapy bill.

You know what? It's funny.

I'm ripping it out. You can't do that, that's school property.

It's kind of flattering. Put a burn mark in there and that's me.

I've thought about it.

that I needed to release it.

"I can't believe you..." Guys!

And the artist was very generous

thinks about his best friend, The Pete."

Oh, great. Let's hear it. We're excited.

Wow.

Yeah, well, I've been having a rough time lately.

Piss-juggler.

Uh, yesterday he called me "Buttly."

on top of a body part.

Okay, Dad.

I'm recruiting young bullies from the community

they're getting kicked offline.

You're... oh.

that's not a huge loser.

Don't go up the ladder. Oh, my God, Taco!

Your mind's not on this planet right now.

You're so smart, you think that's me?

What we're gonna do is we're gonna serve up some feces.

Stop calling me that!

'Cause there's no more leaves, Taco.

And secondly,

And my parents won't help me

So come on. Hit me with it. Let's hear it.

- And my dog is sick. - I see your ability to come up with excuses still works well.

Oh, I'm sorry. This is... inappropriate for a child.

Your dad's groinal area is not gonna draw itself.

Yeah, that's your dad with his new Little Eskimo Brother.

Andre gets sued by Frank 'The Body' Gibbiati. Jenny gets relationship advice from Green Bay wide receiver Randall Cobb.

Oh, like a soup ladle.

One time I took one of those little marshmallow Peeps,

no-kidding dietary restriction,

Not like, you know, Jewish-beard Jewish.

Well, you weren't.

The jewel of the South.

and then just had a very small manageable child?

I-I buy your clothes.

I'm pretty sure that sends you to Jewish hell.

Not me. I'm out. Nah, I'm good, thanks.

I'll tell you. We got some big problems.

who underinflated her titties.

I never have honked a dick.

No... Nobody wants to see a video, Frank.

Suing your ass!

I would go with these if I were you.

- Yeah. - Do you think having a baby will fill a void for him?

wide receiver on my team?

Be slotty, but remember...

I'm so hungry.

Oh, you know what? Enough!

But, as a devout Jew...

Randall Cobb told me

God, how old are these, Kev...

got caught in the back of my throat

I'm fine with not having any more kids,

ol' Smoke Crotch over here gets snipped.

Yeah. Uh-huh?

I'll destroy it for you.

The neighbors having a party?

Here, you just go wherever you want.

Taco is the deflater!

Oh.

I'm having a little bit of Shabbos goy envy.

And what about this?

even sheets, you know what I mean?

Uh, it's open! It's open?

Okay? And you're gonna testify on my behalf

He's gonna have a sneeze guard around his asshole.

Well, we need a better word. We haven't found it yet.

So my great-grandfather, he put in these perforations,

Well, Sven is not Jewish,

I will be helping out with dessert...

Football is back and everyone fights over where to watch the games. Ruxin has his house to himself, sort of. Taco launches EBDBPrime.

I signed you guys all up for it.

Babe, how can we turn down this bargain robbery?

And now, gentlemen, I introduce you

taste of what we have in store this Sunday.

is, like, you're just going week to week without any commitment.

at the end of the season and we'll see who's happier.

It's just so much easier. We don't have to get a babysitter.

It's natural. She's got the...

What's your password? Just give me back my golf clubs.

I'm gonna put you on hold, sir. No, no, no!

Let's go ahead and reset your account, sir. I'm gonna send you

Now that we've confirmed your identity,

found myself a blind spot.

Rafi's old pee corner? Don't care.

Mm... yeah, I'll-I'll just... I'm gonna throw it in.

- Wow. - Okay? Jets and the Giants don't trade playbooks.

Let me check on Rodney.

What year did Kevin lose interest in you sexually?

"Dick Chicken?" Uh-huh.

for EBDB Prime Fresh Direct?

"I cheat. I don't give a.

Let's just see how the second half of the first quarter goes.

Edelman's gonna do great.

This place has zero chill,

God, where you gonna find that? That's really hard to...

Well, I'll buy you one. Uh-uh.

and you love this reffing so much. I'm just...

Oh, my God, you finally found out

like a chicken with your head cut off, yelling, "Dick!"

Whamming your dicks together?

I'm Livi. I'm Pete. Nice to meet you.

the blind spot I got all my little snackies.

We got Julian Edelman, slot.

Excuse you. You did not win.

Whatever. Yeah, it-it's hard...

I told you-- get an A/V guy. I...

Kevin, just call the babysitter. Let's get out of this shithole.

Let us in. Their Sunday Ticket's out.

and my gal pals, but no one is allowed to be here,

I don't trust him. Okay, Mommy,

No one likes Andre's idea of a themed draft. Pete isn't speaking to Andre. The league agrees to an auction draft and, shockingly, there are huge problems.

I assume you all will be there, though. Oh, no.

You specifically told me you were going tor Cheese-a-Palooza.

as you know, I've been incubating my next big idea

I can't tonight. I have a school fund-raiser.

I told him we were at a fund-raiser. Why would you tell him that?

It's not the only place she puts it.

that we find in each other is our intelligence.

You're never gonna lose weight eating like that.

Oh, my God, it's so much fun!

wide receiver, wide receiver.

Bartitsu.

Or tae kwon douche.

Oh, if you want more pepper later, you can use

If you don't want the pomp and circumstance of being

I say when. I say when. I say when. I say when.

I wanted pepper on everything,

I mean, come on, Kevin, you don't have that kind of money.

Um, just hanging out

- This wasn't. - Oh, God.

"Prepare yourself for an Oscar Wilde night.

'Cause I really want to help. I really want to participate.

And who would you suggest would pick my team?

I need my stress meds.

Papi's in the hospital! I'm gonna have to do all the picks on my own?

And your costume is amazing.

Listen, guys, I want to apologize

- So much fun. - All right, guys, see you inside. Oh, yeah, no, uh, one thing.

Hello, Meegan.

Okay. You know what, why don't you go into the sitting room.

I'm so sorry about your father-in-law.

As you can see, I'm dealing with some other issues.

you know, take that gum everywhere.

We don't have time to find an eighth guy.

of the fish knife?

looks like shit. Plus, I bring my own food, bro.

45. 47.

Oh, yeah! Suck it!

- dressed in old-timey clothes. - You, well...

S? You got to pick a player, Taco.

You got this, okay?

$150, final answer.

Nailed it. How does that feel, you piece of garbage?

We got to start over.

Rafi... Next item on the block,

Come on, guys, who's bidding? Let's go, let's go.

Okay, can we just finish this? Yes.

I'd like to bid ten dollars on that picture, please.

Pete bumps into his ex-wife. Jenny is a VIP during the draft in Chicago, while Kevin runs into the Seahawks' general manager. Marshawn Lynch attends Taco Corp's annual board meeting.

Just finish up the game.

Behind door number one.

HeDre." Huh?

And so I really hope that you enjoy what I've created.

The final statue

Taco.

I'm sorry, Ruxin, I, I don't mean to upset you.

Talked to the insurance company today,

about every year. I think we should begin

I mean, look, you look great. What's happening?

You were right. The difference between, like,

So is mine.

but, you know, I think we'll catch up later.

But he wasn't, he was great,

Which means I have a little alone time.

and I always go to the bathroom here, so...

I am shamed, sir, I am shamed.

that's all you guys ever talk about.

I'm so in control all the time

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. - What? What?

Jim McMahon.

Oh, look at this.

I mean, Taco is essentially unsackable.

like at a bank as an intern, and he has to wear a suit

Check your thing? Andre, you have got to tell him.

at purchasing birthday presents, right? I'm terrible.

What? Oh... Are you kidding me?

We're supposed to praise him.

VIP. I want the VIP one. No, I am the VIP.

Kettle corn?! Sweet and salty!

I'm starving. Oh, hey, skills challenge.

So you-you literally haven't noticed? Anything?

for his birthday. Oh, oh, oh...

What's the next one?

No one buys CDs anymore.

I'm great with celebrities.

Great. Thank you.

Uh, girlfriend? What?

I like you guys a lot, and I just want to say, man,

actually, here-- use my phone.

a guy like an Andre is sleeping with your ex-wife?

Okay, look, I don't know what you want me to tell you.

Whoa, whoa. I'm gonna kill you!

so this is like a dream come true for me.

some of these cards have a little bit