Broad City

A runaway teen disrupts the girls' celebration of Ilana's 23rd birthday by leading them on a chase through St. Mark's Place.

Can I get a buck?

Okay, we could bring you our leftovers, after.

Okay, you lose.

Little Wayne, party of two.

Oh, yum. Oh, my god.

Couple of Madonnas, huh?

Can I ask you, do you live in New York

- I'm afraid to click it. - Yes.

Oh, you don't have to do that.

Here we go.

Uncle, Uncle Sam!

Excuse me, Sir.

What the heck?

Let's go. Let's do it.

California, I can tell.

We didn't even order.

You know, runaway teens have it so tough.

Ab, I gotta go get a wig, it's my birthday!

and I'm falling apart and my dick doesn't work anymore, so... "

Yeah! Ugh.

God, I have such a wig face.

and I need leather tissues.

like hill funerals usually are?

No, I'm obviously dying first.

I am definitely getting this.

Wigs are 10, shirts are a buck each.

Dude.

You are seriously beautiful, like, really, really beautiful.

- Come on! - All right.

and we're gonna get the gift!

He stole it right out of my hand.

Boy? He's 34 years old.

And get their stuff now.

he's given me a lot of grief.

But you can't afford me because you don't work.

loser, loser, loser, loser, loser life.

I'm just going to grab...

We're good, we're good, thanks so much.

I wonder if they own or rent.

Abbi is determined to return a lost coat; Ilana explores a new romance that feels oddly familiar.

That proves the coat's theirs.

(people talking, background music playing)

Genius.

All right, who's got a Marc Jacobs peacoat?

Hi.

I think someone took yours by accident.

Okay.

Oh, it's Kelly.

and just being like, for being, you know...

I mean, she, she's America's sweetheart.

(gasping) Oh, my God... Empty lounge chairs!

Not too soon, please.

Um, I think I have your coat.

No, that's my ex's. He moved out last week.

'Cause I need to return this coat.

- Oh... There's a lot of people. Okay. - (Door slamming)

We're just on kind of a break right now,

I'm an enormous Kelly Ripa fan.

I'm not leaving without the coat.

Okay, well, then I'm gonna... I'm gonna smash this!

Jesus, who are you guys?

She was hosting an orgy.

You never want me to meet anybody you're with.

I feel like I already know you.

Um, I'm here to see Miss Ripa.

Whoa, Bed Bath and Beyond coupons.

Can you take your shoes off?

You a 28HH?

I only pay 600 bucks a month.

Whoa, what is that?

Oh, right.

and everybody knows, first of all, that I sit camera left.

Oh, (bleep), dude!

(music continuing)

Okay.

♪

(man) ♪ Break it down break it don't stop ♪

What's wrong? Too much teeth?

I masturbate in the mirror!

More smart, not more smart.

Oh, my God.

for organ donation or jury duty.

Abbi tries to extort Trey after she discovers one of his secrets, but the plan quickly goes awry.

Oh, but Ilana, please...

and wax with Martha Plimpton.

sitting in your own poop.

Finally... Ab, Ab.

Jesus, Ilana, he's an innocent little boy.

Ilana, I'm not watching porn in here.

Okay, so I need to retrace my porn steps first.

I love shaved pubes and tan, crispy bellies and tits."

That's probably why I really, really

My...

I don't know what to do with this?

(Chuckling) But really, there's a bloody (Bleep) spill

What are you talking about right now?

All right, you got your tweezer and your tweezing mirror.

Thank you for calling me a star.

All right, I'm going to show you guys how it's done first

I don't know what just happened with my body.

Yeah, but I let you teach the class, Abbi.

I've done it once before.

I want you to look around

You are right, that's right.

(Breathing deeply) Ask my parents for money.

Good luck, give it your all.

but tags are on it, so, oh, yes, okay.

(Giggling) It's tucchus, but I am loving it, brother.

Um, she wa... she was a flight attendant.

Come on, come on!

I'll give you two for $60.

Yeah, which is a really great deal,

Like Bruce Springsteen's favourite food is not a tomato?

Why don't you (Bleep) my (Bleep) dick?

Oh.

I had no idea you were gay.

Instead of bringing it in to the stables,

Ilana, do you think this is something you could do for me?

My mom's stuff is fancy as (Bleep).

Ilana, do the homeless like Prada?

♪ see my people ready now-ow ready now-ow ♪

- No. - Yeah, do you work on commission?

'Cause your hair and lipstick looks cute.

classic apothecary bag?

In celebration of Jaime becoming a citizen, the gang takes a cruise and Bevers leads Abbi and Ilana astray with the promise of quick booze; Lincoln and Jaime fend for themselves amongst a group of corporate lawyers.

so she's 11-quarters old.

This is gonna take forever.

That sounds good. I'll have one, too.

You guys aren't waiting in line for the bar, are you?

(Mocking) Yeah, really.

(Bottles clanking)

Rape! Rape!

Ah! (Bleep)

I honestly have always thought

So, if each one of them has at least three drinks per hour,

So, what's the vibe gonna be like

and also to me... this is my first time ever on a boat.

I'm stealin' that one.

You guys know that human-robot marriage

You know, you jerk off and jazz shoots out.

Me don't hear you answering that question, why?

(American accent) I love hamburgers...

I knew it.

You're in luck, you can eat some of my shrimp.

Dude, check this out.

but I'd be posh spice.

I mean, have you even talked to Melody about this?

But, I feel like you're the one who really, really gets me.

- Wake up, Bevers. - Yeah, one day.

Or it's not, Ilana.

Okay, okay.

on purpose, though.

a lot more time with him lately, right?

I'm Vulva-rine.

What are you guys doing in there?

Why don't you just have sex with Lincoln?

Oh, it's coming.

♪ Oh, oh, whoa-oh ♪

(Man) Oh, yeah. Uh-huh.

Help me bring Bevers up here, ladies and gentlemen!

(DJ) There he is! There's the man of the hour!

Melody, are you here?

Uh, yeah, so Abbi...

Abbi's transitioning into becoming a man,

Uh...

I am becoming...

and she says I embarrassed her in front of her whole firm.

I love Melody so much, but she won't talk to me.

I just wanna say first that I'm not...

Feeling sucked into a never-ending web of technology, Abbi and Ilana unplug for a day in the park that's filled with rollerblading, canine nuptials and an emergency medical situation.

I feel like I blacked out.

Let's just get dressed and go to the wedding.

Gmail, Grindr, Facebook, Facetime, Insta, Grindr,

Well, not to "patronize" you,

Yeah, I mean, we can maybe stuff some newspaper in

I was just being optimistic.

We are addicted to the matrix, dude.

Oh my god, look at their... bodies.

Oh, it's not big, it's like wanna "fook"?

Our foremothers didn't pin dudes on (Bleep) Tinder.

It's like I'm too real for it, you know?

Oh (Bleep), I can't stop!

Jaime's blades were too big for your bony, dainty feet.

No, you need to go get help.

You mean gimp?

Okay, I'll be right back.

It's the number-one killer of chihuahuas.

This is a beautiful setup you got here.

Oh my god, forget it!

to line our office/maybe nursery one day.

Eliot!

Come on.

Okay, one more. Ready?

Grandson.

Yes!

Come on.

Sorry.

Sir...

how important trust is in this relationship.

And do you, Atticus,

The girls search for the ultimate party, revealing a strange and surreal side to Abbi that confirms Ilana’s greatest fear.

that you are still worth something.

I do have a horrible emergency.

Okay, you can go,

♪ ♪

I wanna be an instructor-slash-trainer.

I'm kidding, you're at a party, come on.

Good choice.

I would definitely rather turn into a little old man

Oh, I just tried that for work, actually.

(Laughing)

I texted "where party" to everybody in my phone.

Hey, uh, Trey, so...

and she told me that I have, um...

- ... now. - Hmmm!

and I think you guys are diggity-diggity-dope, okay?

and move on and that is hot too and cool.

I'm gonna use valencia, is that okay you think?

You think you are.

how would we do it?

♪ ♪

(Gasps)

(Music playing)

Come on, don't ruin cornichons for me.

(Laughing)

Did you just say "Narnia of partias"?

- 500, 25... - (Phone vibrating)

a throwback Thursday pic that I put up.

Hello, hello, this is Dr. Rotreiller, MD.

We don't know whether it'll be a few days or a few hours,

Call me when you're done, I guess.

Yes, whose party is this, dude?

(Ilana) God, I love when straight dudes make out.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

(Ilana) What is this place... where are you going?

♪ shout hallelujah come on get happy ♪

♪ to wash your sins away in the tide ♪

How long has Val been coming in here?

What's a FOMO?

Eight ball, corner pocket.

Ilana's family comes to town to sit shiva for her grandmother, and Abbi finally strikes up a romance with Jeremy.

Five dollar, five dollar.

What the fuck am I talking Chinese for?

Like, this apartment is so insane.

You know, I've been surrounded by a lot of death lately, too.

And... and... and...

You're so lucky.

I got you, come here.

in all of New York City drinking water.

(Speaking Chinese)

Do you want to maybe switch?

No, I... please.

Rachel Ackerman, Rachel Alterman, Aunt cherry.

Jesus, Ilana.

Ab, all throughout college, I slept with a strap-on on,

is because that badass bitch did everything she ever wanted to.

how to do some woodworking today.

Oh, your mom is so broken up over this loss.

Low curvature.

- All right. - (Phone alert)

Abbi, oh, it's so good to see you.

Did you or did you not...

(Stops singing) Ohhhh!

Oh, my God.

Nice backstitch.

What's peg?

Probably.

I can't really believe that we're talking about it,

(Sobbing) Oh, it's okay.

- _ - Say hi to the dog.

Why would you do that?

(Both) Jesus Christ.

Ivy League grad/Harvard...

They're evidence in an ongoing counterfeit investigation.

Hold on, I'll be right back.

Um... it's not my dildo.

I really appreciate you doing that, I do,

Totally, totally. I know that you love

I mean, look at this apartment.

just means that you think it should be judged.

79 bucks!

the first night that we did anything, okay?

Abbi has her wisdom teeth removed, so Illana offers to nurse her back to health with a combination of drugs and a lack of supervision.

- Release my head, woman. - Sorry.

Calm d... you need to calm down.

That's where her parents wanted her to go.

Yeah, but you're... you're kind of missing the point Ilana.

It was a huge success, but I had to remove all of your teeth.

I am just "gwad my wittle baby's awive."

You know, Western medicine does stick

Uh, but, really, I can handle it.

And then we're gonna get you home, girl.

No, dude, it's not mean at all.

No, you're so good.

Thanks, skids, love you, B.

We have to change your gauze out.

And I need you to take care of me.

Okay, Abbi, this little airplane

Wow, it's been four hours already?

- Give her Froyo and braid her hair. - Of course.

and I am her mother now.

First stop!

Would you rather lick a dead man's penis,

Thanks a lot, Doctor Oz.

But not as cool as Jeremy, right?

You know, I wish I could have one, but I gotta be responsible.

toppings, toppings, toppings...

Gorp... what is Gorp?

You wanna show me your old LL Cool J, your Lincoln Log?

Oh, goodie, you're awake!

Dude, check this out.

You are gonna be an old dude

Hey! Abbi, wake up, Ab!

you, don't tell me to calm down!

It's a whole new Gowanus.

who bought two Yoo-hoos and drop a bottle on the floor.

So reasonably priced.

Next up, probiotics, a Neti Pot and a bag of douche.

That'll be $1,487.56.

Abbi!

made a purchase of $1,487.56

♪ On the flip side you crazy bitch ♪

New opportunities arise as Abbi is finally able to train somebody at Soulstice and Ilana finds success as a corporate overlord.

Ow.

My therapist has encouraged me to write down my feelings.

"I will be out for the rest of the day, and when I return,

Challenge accepted.

♪ and I got a reason that you're who should ♪

♪ I'm on the edge ♪

Hey, Nicole, how would you describe exactly

created many jobs.

Wow, wow, wow, wow.

I've been taking the path train into Manhattan

I just don't think you're deals deals deals material.

You know I have been in such a funk lately,

But, you know what, today is a new day.

but today you're rocking positive vibes.

And guess what?

I could use an extra hand, because I'm documenting

He is the perfect "before" picture.

- Ilana? - Yes?

Because you're not paying them.

Do we have to keep doing this?

You aborted... Macklemore mother(Bleep).

I can be better.

plus they provide free razors.

Oh, really?

- I moved his gluteus sensitive... - Yeah, that's a woman's fart.

(Vocalizing explosion)

Baby girl, you know we can make commission here?

and that was to get a deal.

Your fly is down, yeah.

Abbi, motivate him, tell him how ripped he's gonna be.

Bodybytrey.biz. Cut out.

Whoo-hoo!

Whup, can't get it by ya.

Ilana hunts for the perfect last-minute gift for Lincoln while Abbi tries to track down an AC to keep cool in the bedroom.

You should check out the Colin Farrell sex tape,

over to 9:44 for some master ass(Bleep) play.

Divorced, still good friends.

Get you over here, hide the A/C,

You look good. You feel good.

(Ilana) Animated movies are where it's at.

That is rape culture language right there.

and I started to shove paper towels

Do you recycle?

Male Stacey!

Ooh! That is literally what "they" say.

♪ ♪

Probably not, 'cause he doesn't have any hair.

"The Al Dente Dentist."

Here we go. This is it.

All right. Thank you, guys.

The planning this takes is unbelievable.

I will get an air conditioner.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Brb!

I love that. I want more you.

Whoa, dude, I got two responses already.

Who's Benny Calitri?

Did you guys...

but I'm not scared, 'cause I'm with a stone cold rapist!

I'm just a guy looking for a challenge

I've got to keep my eye on the prize...

I'm not big into slang,

I don't get it.

You're not gonna make it!

It's... smart. Smart.

'Cause your hetero-normative notion...

Thank you, sir.

This is... stah-rike two!

our dear university abides by.

I guess that's fair. Deal.

While my partner in justice

- Now, suck it up. - (Bong bubbling)

if it wasn't already an app.