Broad City

The girls go to a fancy restaurant for Abbi's birthday; Abbi must come to terms with being nasty; Ilana pushes through self-inflicted side effects of their fancy meal.

and where did Jay sit exactly?

Part of me feels like I would be Jay-Z,

the seafood prix fixe dinner this evening.

is the truffle of onions.

je m'appelle John, and bonne anniversaire.

You're bad-mouthing me to Anton now?

You have no proof that she-- Are you kidding me?

If God didn't want us to put our fingers in there,

which for me, you know, is incredible sex.

spiritual sexual experience.

Oh, well, it's my pleasure.

May I grab you another fork?

I peed it.

Not yet is what I meant to say.

Tramp, from "Lady and the Tramp."

but... you will one day.

Huh.

It looks worse than it is, I feel great.

I feel like he only has sex on top of baby grands.

"How dare you?"

I'm really excited for you guys to try this.

then I could, like, I could sing really well.

Yeah, I know.

I keep my eyes closed when I make love.

and you need to deal with me dealing with that.

inside the mouth of a lobster

It's not that bad. I could still wink, see?

Listen, we are here

From my clutch. Durr!

Not only are we talking STDs here,

I mean, your body is a temple.

I just stabbed myself!

Yes, it's an allergic reaction to seafood.

I don't want to wait till we're dead

Do heroin under the aurora borealis.

You carried me.

One milligram of epinephrine in.

Abbi is riding high after selling her art, but when Bevers pushes her to the breaking point, she starts the search for a new apartment; Ilana is trapped in her own personal hell as she deals with the cable company and a creepy ex.

You have a way of tainting everything I love.

Yeah, see how it goes.

Thank you so much for coming with me.

Oh, right. That was...

Beautiful day.

You can fit a king size bed in here.

I make dolls out of human hair.

They're killing me. Oh well.

You are now being placed back on pre-hold.

I slept in a coffin once.

I'm like-- I'm on the ladder.

Yes. Oh, my God.

Hi--

The walls are super thick.

neighbor won't even hear a thing.

Oh, I was... "Hello? Hello, Dick."

I bet I was high the last time I had my remote.

Sex on the couch.

Um, this is kind of an awkward conversation to have,

if you have my cable remote.

If you let me practice on you,

Hmm. Men's or women's?

It's a cool-ass, big-ass nook.

It's okay.

You don't have to pretend anymore.

to Manhattan on the weekends.

I do, you don't.

No, I'm taking it. Stop.

we would love to have you as a roommate.

♪ SelectDate, SelectDate

On a date with someone who isn't your type?

No, this is the wrong remote.

I also do billing, installation programming,

You can either mail in a check for $1,000,

Lincoln and some old catering co-workers join the girls to go to a wedding but the trip becomes a comedy of errors abd Ilana must confront Abbi's past friendships.

Guys, I just got dumped.

Dead!

Oh, my gosh, are you all right?

Oh, my God!

Abbi, I'm behind you!

Weather?

License and credit card, please.

We're gonna need to come up with a plan in the next 20 seconds

friend he has sex with" kind of thing,

They're mouth scaffolding, just to hold my teeth in.

I don't know.

I still laugh about it.

He had a really big penis.

Why you takin' it right now?

I didn't mean to say that.

Why would Jesus give us a flat tire?

Totally.

You can't not go to a wedding you RSVP'd to.

And that makes me uncomfortable in a different way.

You are warriors of change right now.

I-I-I can't go back to prison, Ilana!

Darcy's parents have a timeshare.

Know what?

It has been implied.

Oh, my God.

♪ But if you could see what your eyes reflect ♪

I'm gonna sit with somebody whose yet to shatter my world.

Ilana, will you just come on and sit back here?

It's more of like a duo now.

You smell.

Well, you didn't get flat tire insurance.

Abbi and Ilana ride out an upcoming storm with their number twos and number threes (Jaimé, Lincoln and Jeremy) but are unfortunately also joined by Bevers and his sister; game of Who Done It? plays out while the hurricane rages outside.

Here... Right now.

I know I smell potato salad.

In Jersey.

Mm.

In case we all die, there is something

and it's because it's mine.

Never have I ever... read a newspaper.

Calm down, Bevers.

Come on, everybody try to lift me.

Light as a feather, stiff as a board.

You got two options here.

Throw 'em up in the air, huh?

Ilana.

I can make this an a-ha moment weekend.

Let me in.

This is a sexy situation.

You... You do...

Now get out there, bounce some little titties

A shelf fell.

♪ In the living room ♪

blowing from construction sites.

I went into the park and I did some jumping jacks.

♪ I'm Matthew Bevers I'm from Terre Haute ♪

- You sure? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lock 'em up!

- I want to make sure you're optimizing your fantasies. - All right, it's the first thing I thought of.

- 10, yes! - Whoo!

Um, hmm... Who should I... who wants to... Abbi.

Oh my God.

Look at her body... So tight.

In case, you know, we die today.

I'm sure it's good for you in some ways.

You smell terrible.

Walking to places that I go.

who took a (bleep) in my Shapely!

I had the best time.

It wasn't like that!

Are you the secret dumper, brown eyes?

If you had a dog, I'd be dead because I'm allergic, bitch!

Fine!

I'm sorry.

After trying to find men on Facebook, Abbi and Ilana decide to meet some guys in real life.

- Yeah, just put it in my phone. - Okay.

You should have a sex with him.

- Are you still talking to me? - Yeah.

Yes-- calling my mom.

Yeah, but his abuela's in the hospital, which sucks,

There's something I should tell you.

lose it, I just, like, I see it

I lost my phone.

So the volume's up louder than before, but we should keep

Leave a message.

You know, I want to, I'm sorry, I just--

People have no phone etiquette these days.

Remember that hot dude at the bar?

That's ten horses I've had to replace.

Okay Ab, I have an idea and it's hot.

Only in NYC!

All right.

- Oh, my God. - What?

We could go to Tyler's show.

- you yuppie trash! - No, what?

You know that you're so anti-racist sometimes

- Eggroll! - I heard "eggroll."

even though I have a vagina!

I'm not watching this by myself, get--

Oh, my God, that was the worst thing I've ever seen.

before Jerry Lewis sees you again.

Not literally the last place.

Wait, you guys don't have wine?

Oh, no, wait, that was, like, a pinto bean.

I swear.

That's eight minutes.

Can I get a one-word suggestion?

What's wrong?

Shut up, you're an idiot.

I'm so sorry.

Just look away, I just need--

Much better, I look out all the time.

- Cool. - Or, no.

Or just smash our faces into it.

Abbi decides she's too nice so she tries to be the opposite; Abbi and Ilana attend a high-end party and meet some adventurous DJs.

Yeah, just put it in my phone. Okay.

Hey, dude.

Oh.

she's gonna text and then doesn't, right?

Yes-- calling my mom.

Yeah, but his abuela's in the hospital, which sucks,

Can you pick me up? Can you lift me up?

I mean, I don't, like, lose it,

Okay, you guys, listen.

So the volume's up louder than before, but we should keep

(Abbi) This is Abbi, leave a message. (beep)

That's hot, you know, maybe.

It's "Tyler," right? Yeah.

She didn't even say "bye, Lincoln."

I thought you got SVU'd.

No, wait, wait, wait, it's moving south.

Anywhere else is fine.

at 8:00 and I just bet he's the drummer.

You know what? I'll call it,

This is the mine, this is easy to--

(Abbi) All right, you're doing this right now, okay. Find your phone.

Oh, my God, the dot is over water.

Okay, let's go. Let's go.

Like, we're going in.

like, always compare them to Ben.

It just, like, fit, and I felt like-- Move!

What's hotter than a pink dick with a sense of humor?

We are Statutory Crepe.

Yes, son?

I'm embarrassed that he was inside of me.

Woohoo!

Ew!

I just figured out where the thief took my phone,

This is, like, an emergency.

I carry it to make me look petite.

(woman) Are you serious? This is a bakery.

but your improv show was just not good.

Don't put your shirt on before you leave.

(Ben) Oh, Abbi!

They just moved me into an office with a window.

Um so have you been here before?

I'm-- I'm really sorry.

After Abbi bug bombs her apartment, and Ilana misplaces her keys, the girls are forced to face life on the streets and all this happens just in time for Abbi's first art gallery show.

(grunting) Just one pull-up.

Okay, you just, like--

What Buble are we talking about, though?

Very hot.

Do you have any, like, credentials?

6C.

'Cause it's so easy.

How do I not know them? I don't know.

They're Nerds.

Wait, wait!

That did happen.

Now that I say it out loud, I realize I led the creepy dude

Yeah, we're just a regular Matt and Ben.

I'm gonna be a teacher here one day.

Gonna really feel it in those glutes, okay?

I was-- I was doing parkour just now.

To myself. I wish I was as strong as you.

I'm gonna stop you right there, Ab.

Come on. Okay, tic-tac.

Tic-tac right over.

I want to see a jack in the pulpit in the bikes.

You know, I-- I bet you that Dennis is not squatting anymore.

You gotta be lying down to be really homeless.

Ilana.

You know what? I'm going in.

over a sandwich shop?

In the meantime, I can just watch your bag and make sure

Oh, I'm one of the artists.

We're a sandwich shop.

God.

Do you... look... crazy?

I, like, can't function.

Oh, my God.

Your brain is a muscle, Ilana, and I feel like that muscle

I was thinking more like who would want to live amongst

God, these bagels here are, like, very good, so.

but... I'm sorry I was a bitch.

They started out as kid detectives,

Ilana tries to make some extra money as a temp; Abbi promises her neighbor that she will wait for his package, but when she misses the delivery, she must go to the ends of the earth to recover it.

Computer's not on.

One of them is, um, proper workplace attire.

Um, well, I will get right on that, sire.

Somebody had an accident in the steam room

Immediately after that, suck on some ice chips,

But Abbi, promise me you'll watch from the beginning, okay?

I'm not on my period.

Would you be available for some temp work this afternoon?

Dude, this is huge.

I just want to, like, make sure we do it enough

Oh, he's gonna thank you.

Hey, Bevers, you hear the door knock earlier?

So your package is still on the truck, but you can pick it up

North Brother Island. Is that in New York?

No, I'm just a temp.

with RiRi and Bebe... Who?

I didn't know you had plans with Lincoln. We don't have plans.

Black people don't make out with dogs.

Nah, dude, it's a Fleshlight.

I'll kick it with you later. Okay, cool.

The wonderful, the esteemed...

Uh, hello...

It took me so long... ID.

I need his ID or he can come down here

My supervisor's watching.

Jesus, what a day.

Judith Light!

I'd love to, but I'm actually out

Uh, sold.

All that hair.

I'm not going to prescribe you dog Xanax.

on human buttholes?

Okay, come on, let's go.

You're Jeremy Santos.

Chicken!

Where is Cherish? Huh, right.

The Chihuahua should be the in the loft.

You owe me an apology.

Abbi wants to buy her own marijuana; Ilana is finally tackling taxes by herself.

You took an hour-and- 48-minute break.

The same piece of paper.

Honestly, I do it to buy myself some time because

What's wrong with my personal e-mail?

I'm gonna be on your ass.

Thank you, Jenna.

Don't be ashamed. Oh, no.

Oh, when there's a pube situation,

and my life's gonna be behind me.

I'm in. Really?

No, I'm stepping... I am stepping it up.

That'll be $438.

Bitch!

'Cause we have, like, the fattest asses, you know?

Parker, hey.

See ya.

Pardon me.

Um, I don't know, what are the drinks?

Well, 6% of the proceeds go to the tsunami.

Just now a child in South America died of starvation.

Wait! Um, uh, right now...

What the hell?

This church bell techno song still has 27 minutes left.

Cool. I like that "I Dream of Jeannie" hair.

You're right. Damn right I'm right.

We all are. Oh, hundred percent, bro.

♪ I can make you hot like 600 degrees ♪

♪ Miss Cindy

What kind of lotion do you use?

No, not really. No, no, no, it's a playlist on shuffle.

God, just hold on.

Nice backpack.

He was, like, my best friend, you know?

He was like my best friend, you know?

So romantic.

What'd you guys think?

I swear to God, dudes, this was an honest mistake.

No, no, I want to stay.

We understand, it's a coincidence.

I eat sour straws like every day.

Wait, wait.

Ilana finds out about a secret Lil Wayne concert so her and Abbi hustle their way through New York City to scrape together enough money for tickets.

I've been kind of obsessed with getting paid

to keep you guys updated,

That's the look of a dealer right there.

Okay, listen-- I really think that you deserve-- Hey.

They let me do a lot more than that.

They don't respect you.

you're so good with it. I don't know if I wanna...

I'm dealing with some pretty scary test results

It could be the big one.

Girl!

Ugh-- This is a slave song.

I feel like all we ever talk about is black people

Oh.

Ah, you got the variable zoom on that.

So I noticed that you ate all of my cheese again.

Yeah.

Good thing you ate all that cheese.

I just ranked up, Abbi!

(man) Did you call me?

(still in slow motion) Hey...

Your arms...

Well, if you don't mind,

Kill you in your sleep, how's that for a surprise?

I don't think that's how it works, but thank you.

this office warehouse giftcard has $135 on it.

(warming up voice) Bah, bah, black sheep.

No offense.

Oh, we got a fan.

All right, let's pick it up.

We're like-- Where'd the music go?

Grow up!

but you're right, like, I needed to

We are gonna make this money

What "gals"?

Listen, it is for one hour and he's giving us $200.

You're losing your edge and I wasn't gonna say anything,

¶ A millionaire ¶

¶ 'Cause my seconds minutes hours ¶

You owe us $200.

Does baby like this, huh?

(groaning)