Top Gear

Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May continue their journey in three ancient and barely functioning trucks, heading toward their final challenge - building a bridge over River Kwai in Thailand. Having climbed mountains and endured a Burmese trucker stop, they must now venture into the Shan state, an area rife with civil war and normally closed to Western TV crews. MORE -LESS

'Here, in a region that is bigger than England and Wales put together,

So what the government is essentially saying to these

He's off his face. Oh, dear.

'and we decided to make camp in a small town.'

Well, apparently this is as amazing as that in Burma.

Listen, help yourselves to a drink, because I've had a thought.

This is a cicada, a cricket.

Literally the slowest I've ever been.

He's broken my headlights, radiator. My bull bar is broken. The mirror.

What is it, dried grass? Oh, relax. That's not going to be a problem.

Oh, it's bad in here and it will be worse in Jeremy's lorry.

How's your vertigo, May? I'm not looking.

Don't say anything. I don't think he's very happy.

Nearly.

19 miles of easy-going on smooth roads.

to the lorry struggling and screaming and straining to climb another hill.

"Work on the bridge starts at 0500." What?!

Well, when I say Hammond and I...

all adding strength.

What?

Alec Guinness made that very plain in Bridge On The River Kwai

they would employ some local young chap, cover him in jam,

I'll tell you what, I'm going to sleep tonight. Absolutely.

But, with stronger cables, we soon had my crane the right way up.

This side, the blue pegs, represents how far we should have got by now.

Quickly, go! Let's get it.

I just don't get it.

'and we were desperate to get home

There was a guy called Captain Drauer

But...

I on the bridge over the River Kok.

but it is across and is bouncing to celebrate the moment.

In the first of the all-new two-part special, Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond, and James May are on a mission to build a bridge over the River Kwai in Thailand. However, in order to do so, they must first drive across a country that has been largely closed to Westerners for over 40 years: Burma. The trio must make this trip in three trucks that have been bought for a limited budget. Unsurprisingly, they are not quite as the presenters might have hoped or expected…What follows is an epic journey of beautiful scenery, regular adversity, ongoing malfunction, and the constant bickering between the three hosts. MORE -LESS

Seriously. You want to hear it? Not really. I expect it's quite...

That's all they really grow here. You've bought a heroin lorry.

You know they said long-distance lorry driving? Yes.

ford disease-filled rivers and attend a party which made

OG!

Our worst problem, however, was that James was navigating.

Do it. How about five crisp English pounds?

Sorry. I don't think it will go through there, mate.

Oh, my God!

'was rather more than a Sunday afternoon movie.'

it would appear to be full beam or off.

"We got a real tough job..." They can shut up.

'and start again, but I fired him as navigator and said

'Obviously, I didn't want to admit this to my colleagues,

I think you've actually caught your own lorry.

He thinks he's bought some heroin.

James, could you explain the situation to him? I can't go forwards.

Lots of wheel spin, sliding badly.

Three, two, one, now.

'toiled through the night,

Shelby striping. Sports badging on the side.

On my viewing gallery. Hammond, it's a bucket. It's... It's a bucket.

Wow, that's beautiful.

'we were able to have a game of football in the middle of the road.'

Gaining. Gaining, gaining.

It has taken the water about 15 minutes to fathom it out

Oh, yes!

Go slowly. OK?

'With the town behind us, progress was good.

Well, it's your fault we're in this situation. But I'm old and hot.

But there is diesel in the next village.

The controls are reversed... I'm off!

'A mountaineering tent he could suspend from his crane.'

Um, not bad. What about yours? Fine.

Richard Hammond is in Abu Dhabi to drive a new hybrid sports car from Porsche, the 918, and test to see if it has what it takes to beat McLaren's hybrid hypercar, the P1. Jeremy Clarkson and James May are tasked with shooting and presenting a safe cycling public information film to an expert panel featuring Olympic gold medal-winning cycling legend Chris Boardman. Finally, Need for Speed and Breaking Bad star, Aaron Paul, is the 'Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.' MORE -LESS

And I have an eight-speed gearbox compared to his paltry six.

Three...

'And I decided immediately it was a lot better in every single way.

Everything is exactly where you would expect it to be. Organised.

You can feel the whole car being dragged in,

Listen, from the point where it suddenly snapped sideways for no

LAUGHTER

Thank you, Hammond. Don't slip. Careful. Here she comes.

That is a quality product. Isn't it? Isn't it? Oh, yeah.

there was a bit of a problem.

Well, that means you have no use of those oven gloves,

In the olden days, the government

'Having come up with a cracking idea,

No, we have one. No, two.

'John works hard, which means that he can afford to drive a car.

BELL TINKLES

Well... Is that what it's like?

but if you keep your eyes open and you are courteous...

Aargh!

Yes, but it isn't true. It is. It isn't.

So for example, the double mini-roundabout, OK?

♪ Imagine there's no heaven... ♪

At one point I was clocked at 73mph.

I love them. Yes, this is a big noise. Have a seat.

Like Bullitt and Vanishing Point and Smokey And The Bandit.

We don't really have crystal meth in this country. That's great.

But when you became more and more successful,

With one pilot. And then they had to see how that was, how it turned out.

I love doing that. It's great. It's fantastic.

OK, good. So, where do you think you came? I have no idea.

This is the ã650,000 Porsche 918.

It can't have done.

'You don't get either of those on a P1.'

But, I'm here on this racetrack, so let's go one further.

As for the P1, McLaren are saying it has gone round in under

Jeremy Clarkson is in Italy to celebrate the return of the bespoke Alfa Romeo 8C. Richard Hammond is in the dunes of Abu Dhabi to drive a new six wheeled machine from Mercedes Benz – the G63 6x6 – which was originally developed for the Australian military but, with the addition of some chrome trim and leather seats, is now available civilians willing to spend over half a million dollars! Meanwhile, James May makes a rare visit to the test track to try out two new models from British sports car maker Caterham, and comedian Jack Whitehall is the ‘Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.’ MORE -LESS

takes just 2.8 seconds. 'And it's not like you can get your

contain itself. It's like a teenager left alone with the Internet. The

engine. So the engine is much smaller but

TYRES SCREECH. Hakkinen. Oh, lovely! Look at me.

static papier mache one-off built for a motor show stand.

That is the most idiotic idea in the whole history of motoring, isn't it?

around like Mika Hakkinen. I was. Yes, but you see Mika Hakkinen is a

a bit damp out there, that may slow them down a bit. 620R building up a

We just have to wait now for James's favourite car to finish. "The best

favourite car? Of those two, yeah. LAUGHTER.

America is quite... Heavy. because, in America there is a

brilliant, posted this. "Oh my God! Is that snow? We're all gonna die!"

it drip down the edges for a couple of hours, then just draw a face on

came down here and caught fire. A lot of people were very shocked by

Thank you, I love your gifts. We don't often buy each other presents

establish... James, can I borrow you? Yes. First of all we need to

Wouldn't do it to him. AUDIENCE GROANS.

creations. Back then, there were coach building

Disco Volante. One of the most striking,

That is quite a CV. In recent years, however, they've been reduced to

you go over a bump, "Oh no, my nose is going to fall off." Doesn't feel

8C. And it certainly doesn't sound like

end up with a car that accelerates like it's fallen off a cliff.

of sunglasses... And slow on down. And pretty soon, you'll want to stop

Thunderball. I think it really is time now to

to die for. That is one hell of a combination. It really is.

so, that's about 130... That's still ?600,000 for the car. Yes, I know.

that probably everyone in here knows. Jeremy was a father at the

yesterday. There was one room, it was a science lab. You were at one

it would be good to come and do it... Here? Which, of course, meant

clutch and press this... ENGINE REVS.

LAUGHTER. They would be perfect together!

all do, which I call "lavatory yoga" where you work out how to keep the

LAUGHTER. Come on. 17th March. 17th March? The 17th or 18th March. Like,

doesn't it? Yes, yes, yes, you're still... To be honest, a lot of what

in mind that you arrived this morning having driven a car once to

because this was woeful. Yeah, I know! At least I'm on the board and

Ferrari or Lamborghini can no longer cut the mustard. So what do you do

seats and doors. In this civilian version, however, you get heated and

Oh, we're getting a move on! 560 pound-feet of torque. 0-60 in under

on his way again after he'd had a look.' Bye! Lamborghini Aventador

Morning, sorry. Sorry. This is, unless I'm very much mistaken, a

power split 30-40-30 across the axles... Check. Stronger front

dunes... ..riding a sinew. Come on! O-o-o-oh! No! BLEEP! I got

the top... Oh! Oh, very unpleasant, not nice!

of the tyres to give them a bigger footprint. Now I'm going back on

car world's mad moments. A day off from Priuses and Leafs. And even in

actually move. And I'd like to see that one day, but now it is time for

CHEERING. Well, that is tremendous, it's

With Clarkson in a Volkswagen Up, Hammond in a Ford Fiesta and May in a Dacia Sandero, the trio embark on a long road trip to the Ukraine. When the hosts arrive in Kiev, they receive a truly fearsome challenge: to complete their journey by driving through Chernobyl. Also, Jeremy Clarkson is testing the Zenvo ST, a Danish supercar with 1086 horsepower. Star in a Reasonably Priced Car welcomes back singer James Blunt, who attempts to beat his own lap time out on the track. MORE -LESS

because who's going to say, "No, I don't want a Ferrari

Now, this, according to the - oops - chief engineer,

a cooling fan went wrong.

Some say that this week he is wearing two layers of Nomex.

DISCORDANT, DIRGE-LIKE SINGING ON STEREO

I'm surprised they haven't called The Giraffe...

It will lose.

because if you're interested in speed and power and handling,

Bear with me on this.

"Go on, Liz! Declare war on someone!" Can she really do that?

And to prove their point, they came up with a challenge.

and when I say tiny, I mean REALLY tiny.

'Sadly, at this point, my dog impersonation was

Utter rubbish! Look at it!

It's like driving a cartoon!

we have loved our drive on the wiggly road.

Yeah, it is your actual under-a-mountain submarine base

Is that legal? No. Where does it say "no parking"?

How's it go?

"from here in the far south to the Belarus border in the north

That's the ticket. OK, great. So, when are you getting married?

He said overrun and overpower, definitely using some political manoeuvring in his wording.

"to say how much I love that song," but she said, "I was so worried

It's just, there's a real world out there,

It wasn't a large American Cadillac? No. Get one of those next time.

Everyone says you're not allowed to lift off and so I tried not to.

Here we go, right, coming up to the Follow Through again. So slow.

Not nearly as wet as me. So come on, where do you think you come?

Now, tonight we are trying to prove that we really do like small cars,

We've only done that. We've only driven over the Isle of Wight.

'some business questions.'

They're all over the back. They've crapped everywhere.

I'm afraid not. You can't change your mind about the card you chose.

That's easy! "Your challenge is to run out before you get there." Eh?

in each tank, we did some preparations of our own.

Second gear. Right to the limiter. God, that's wasteful.

It has a half-life, material that's left, of 245,000 years.

so it will assume it's very cold, the fuel quality is bad,

It's one degree out there. Nipples are sticking out badly.

But who would film what happened afterwards?

Richard Hammond is on the shores of Lake Como testing the exciting new Alfa Romeo car against Jeremy Clarkson, who’ll be riding a quad bike. Meanwhile, James May is at Camp Bastion in Afghanistan looking at the incredible efforts behind the army's largest vehicle redeployment since the Second World War. Finally, Thor actor Tom Hiddleston is on the track as the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car. MORE -LESS

Because it's not like anything else...

Hammond was wrong. My legs were fine,

Oh. God. No, wait.

and back up the other side.

Oh, come on, I can't lose this!

But I don't want to beat that Alfa Romeo, because, to me,

Your question is answered.

"Normal swimwear does not adequately protect against forceful

on fuel efficiency and emissions and so on,

Then there's... hi, to a friend. And... Call Jeremy Clarkson.

as you drive past. That's a really good idea.

outside your house.

Are there any Americans here? Whoo!

But the worst country in the world for filling up with petrol is Britain,

I suspect women try to make sure their handbag doesn't fall over,

'in Afghanistan has become,

and that weird-looking thing with the tracks on over there, that is a Warthog.

'In 2009 alone, 79 soldiers fell victim to such devices.'

'in Afghanistan,

'So a night-vision system was developed

'But Afghanistan threw up another issue that needed sorting.'

Absolutely nothing at the moment. So they're out there somewhere.

'For some poor souls, the new machinery came too late.

Daley, Jones and, of course, Mas the Tank Engine.

I bought it with my first pay check for some TV work that I got

We're more focused.

And we were up, banking right, and I was leaning out the window,

Cos you have to fail if you're the baddie. That's probably what it is.

Have you had him on the show? Top Gear.

in the UK, I think, on the 21st of February, and it's basically a love story.

Three, two, one...

Right, could you see the lines at the Hammerhead?

Ron Howard - that was dry.

the world has ever seen.

Belgium has three times as many roads

It is, frankly, as well equipped as a pair of monk's underpants.

OK. OK, let me just slow it down while I explain

and you're gone.

The wheels are made from military-grade aluminium.

the car is working on ways of going even faster.

The team attempt to prove that the hot hatchbacks of their youth were better than their modern equivalents by buying ‘classic’ examples of the breed and completing a series of challenges. After tackling a tricky hill course, they arrive at an army training ground in Wales where their ageing cars must evade the heavily armed Top Gear Police Department. Downton Abbey's Hugh Bonneville is the star in the Reasonably Priced Car. MORE -LESS

This was just 800 quid. I mean, 800 quid! For a Golf GTI!

brake pads. Has it? Which means it was somebody

That one was white.

Hang on. I don't know what it says. Because you need your glasses?

JEREMY GROANS

It's not the Stig, is it? No. No, it's not the Stig.

Hold on, I'm just going to shut my window.

Whoa.

And now, back down!

May, perhaps not surprisingly, 50.4.

on the A451, just outside Kidderminster.

It's lightweight construction, petrol engine,

Plans are being drawn up, right, to fine the owner of a car,

The cars have to have 1.6 litre engines, narrower wings

It's not a Dacia... LAUGHTER

Now...

Actually, no. I suspect you've effectively hidden your keys

The producers had laid out a course around the aisles of a supermarket

Oh, no! I've got Rich Tea biscuits, literally everywhere.

ENGINE REVS AND TYRES SQUEAL

Richard. Yes?

Oh, my God. I think this is what George Michael was trying to do.

They were better. Just much better. Music was better.

Hammond... No, what?! Hammond...

But it is tonight's Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.

FYR495J on the Volvo 124.

I got a shovel and I started digging,

No, I don't. I currently have an XC90, a Volvo XC90. A fine car.

Exactly. Go away! Back in your box! Go away!

Well, yes and no. How's that?

Portland Place, you're not allowed in there

I refused to get out, I wanted to go again and again.

Which means you're the first guest ever to guess correctly...

Having crossed the Severn Estuary we soon arrived at the location.

James and I broke out the TGPD pursuit vehicles

and lined up his velvet Golf on the start line.

Target acquired...

How's that going to help?

"He did crash into me at speed."

The time has come, I think, to deploy the Top Gear Police Department drone of intrusiveness.

This was designed primarily for mine clearance, but in the TGPD,