Top Gear

Jeremy Clarkson makes a film about the BMW X6 and ends up conducting one of the most expensive road tests in Top Gear history. James May drives the new Vauxhall Insignia VXR, accompanied by Margaret Calvert, the designer of Britain's road signs and Richard Hammond tests the 340,000 pound Lexus supercar on the Top Gear track. The star in a Reasonably Priced Car is blues musician Seasick Steve. MORE -LESS

Stop.

only the size of a V8, and as light as a V6.

so it was scrapped and they began all over again, using carbon fibre.

Lexus won't make any money on each one they sell.

No. But it costs six times more?

which is strange because his knees are on his face.

That next one is Lambo Gallardo. The Gallardo, there. Look at that!

and we've had to use it even though we know you're in 2010.

Don't be fooled, people. James?

I won't be able to sell it in a couple of years,

Who says it was?

The thing I love about it most of all is that it's the first Ferrari

Have I got to build it? Would you like me to give you a hand with it?

Top speed is 15mph.

Sorry.

Inside it's all typical BMW,

Then there's the gear lever.

You see that skyscraper, the one Batman jumped off?

Now, because of the budget issues this week, we did have a bit of a problem.

I've got some that have got one string but that's just a plank of wood with a string nailed on it.

Drinking? Drinking.

So I'd buy it for 50 and drive it for two or three weeks until it died

Seasick Steve's arrived.

He asked me if I wanted to buy it. I said, yeah. Punch him, punch him!

You would be the last person ever to go on the board.

This is embarrassing. No, it isn't. This gear change was.

I know that. It wasn't a slow one. What it was was, ready?

Right, here we go. A lengthy yet hopefully interesting

to keep everything nice and calm and civilised and under control.

And the prize for all this VXR-ishness?

And now I really have run out of things to say.

and the Government, alarmed at the clogged-up roads, decided to build the first motorways.

And that's to do with word recognition.

with a satchel and the girl behind him.

And that annoyed you and you wished you'd done it slightly differently?

Oh my gosh!

Oh yes, should she have a burka, a turban?

Ah!

Ow! BLEEP It really hurts. Agh!

Thanks, everybody. Bye-bye.

and its stripe.

Unbelievable... Credit where it's due. A fine effort.

Well, four minutes before the train was due to leave, that's four minutes before the race was due to begin,

Jeremy, Richard and James are dropped deep in the Bolivian rainforest armed only with three shabby 4x4s which they bought untested over the internet from local small ads for a maximum of 3500 pounds each. They attempt to drive them from the heart of Bolivia to the coast of Chile, encountering local drug lords, the debilitating effects of high altitude and the terrifying sheer drops of the infamous Death Road along the way. MORE -LESS

And you have, if my eyes are not deceiving me, a Range Rover.

I'll tell you what it did show in the picture. That it was blue.

Yeah, OK.

His plums are in the Amazon, look! THEY LAUGH

We then charge forward. The act of doing that will shuffle the boat

Sorry! What did you do that for?!

Oh! Four-wheel drive! It is four-wheel drive, you half-wit.

Unfortunately, it was then made in the Midlands,

Just to let you know, one of your rear lights is hanging off,

Head torch. I'm looking for... What's it called? Wandering Spider.

Our raggedy convoy hit the trail with Hammond still moaning.

The plucky Brit has wounded itself helping you out.

That's pretty steep.

I declare this ready, steady, strong. Get in your car and drive over.

'As I lined up, it was almost completely dark.'

There's a fire extinguisher in the car.

If I were a girl, I'd be pregnant a lot.

James was suspiciously skilful with the Vaseline and the condoms.

Why did I listen to you, you imbecile!

'But ten minutes later, James and Richard wished they were back in it.'

Oh, here we are. This is cocaine country.

So I can see where I'm going, the engine is cool. All is well.

Oh, gee. Look at that. That's narrow.

I was watching the taxi. You weren't. I was watching the taxi.

He's never going to go round us. My God, he is.

Something's broken on that back corner.

With the torches fitted,

"Then there's the Andes where you'll have a cerebral oedema.

with some old combat trousers and some big wheels on my car.

I always thought Bristol was a bit scruffy, but actually it's quite nice...

Bloody hellfire.

My arse!

It won't come out of gear.

And climbing.

we can get everything started. Right. Can we move it? Three, two, heave!

Even if...the cars could get over that and I seriously doubt that, I can't.

It's so...so underrated. It's thick.

You heard something? Oh, yeah!

'bought unseen on the Internet had crossed the Amazon rainforest.

'As our exhausted convoy drew nearer to the coast,

'We therefore decided to get some practice on a smaller dune first.'

Three...two...one. Go!

Jeremy Clarkson, Richard Hammond and James May attempt to prove that cars can be art by taking over an entire modern art gallery in Middlesbrough and filling it with motoring-related works, including some remarkable creations of their own. In their quest to prove that cars can be more popular than traditional art, the presenters set themselves the challenge of attracting more visitors to their exhibition than will visit a more traditional gallery over the same period, a task that forces them to engage in some unusual promotional activities. Also on the show, Jeremy is on the test track in a new British supercar, the sensationally fast and sensationally expensive Noble M600. MORE -LESS

head-alteringly quick,

The margin for error

...you have to be a much better driver than I am,

All we know is he's called the Stig!

slices through there and across the line!

What you do is you spray it into your car

What happens is, I'm walking along, say in a shopping centre,

I would beat you to death, That's nice,

My eyes! Sorry about that!

It's not really going to fool anybody bolted onto my Panda, whatever sort of noise it makes,

I know, I know! Thank you for publicising it,

and that, we reckon, is exactly why they're failing,

It's Damon Hill in the wet,

Hammond... It cannot go in!

What you need to bear in mind is if you can get an artist,

We are going to put paintballs into the air box,

Sorry, sorry! So when I've finished, Mr Coulthard is going to take it for a spin round the track,

an art dealer from the Antiques Roadshow,

Can you tell what it is yet?

but now it's time to put a star in our reasonably priced car,

Yes, Yes,

I arrived at Gatwick and I got a message from my manager saying,

so obviously there were some redundancies, which was tough, even for the people that stayed,

Yes, yep, this fills pretty nice, My engineer came up to me and said,

Jesus that's so close,

to unnerve whoever he is,

Was it any good here?

Think like this is for the World Championship, come on JB,

Across the line,

Look at that,

As our BMW art car was so valuable, I decided to drive it to the exhibition myself,

And then walking through the white door we arrive at the upstairs gallery,

For the rest of the interview Hammond brilliantly publicised... himself,

I'm going to have a heart attack!

and I saw some ginger ones on so I just...

I know more about PR than you, I was on top of it,

How long have you talked about the Lamborghini Countach for on the audio tape?

So that's four hours, And it's gone from a blank piece of paper to that James, in four hours,

'And then walking through the white door, we arrive at the upstairs gallery,'

And we did,

we need your support, we have Ferraris, Lamborghinis,

Are you saying it's a bit crap, tts:color=lime0 Yeah, Nothing to see, Nothing to see,

Jeremy puts the Renault Sport Twingo 133 through a stringent examination in Belfast with a helping hand from actor Ross Kemp. Richard samples the delights of airport vehicle racing, Guy Ritchie is the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car, and there is also a group test of the latest high-performance off-roaders from BMW, Audi and Range Rover.

Our venue for this ground-breaking event

The drivers climbed into their chosen machines,

ENGINE WHINES

Ha-ha!

Maximum revs!

which will be brilliant

But we do not actually insist

No, that doesn't work, does it? That's the worst metaphor ever.

No, I think After Eight mints.

OK, get this, right.

He does. What do we need to get him?

They work for Bob Knob, do they?!

Yeah. So let's move on. You see, it doesn't matter what sort of a person you are.

We weren't expecting that. We looked up some figures in the office

..he could beat it.

Still, if you want one, get your nurse to find you a crayon

Still, at least you get a lot of torques.

they are completely bonkers and pointless.

Little things.

We don't really need a film crew or a director to make Top Gear any more.

and that's jolly nice if you live in Houston or Abu Dhabi or somewhere else where petrol is cheap.

you still get that amazing screen that allows you to make movies.

Yes! That is just genius.

Obviously! The leather is the stuff they use on the very finest business jets.

..in here we find the glasses, the vodka, the whisky, obviously,

Some say that the drinks cabinet in his car

So, everybody, open your mince pies, put your Bobby Sands together,

I can't believe I'm talking so much about winching!

Have you done the outside? The A-Team thing with the big wheels...? No, it looks like a builder's van.

Tell us a bit about it. I wanted to do a bigger movie than any movie I've done before.

Is that CGI? Some of it. That's a big budget thing going on right there.

It was either me or Sean Penn, and I don't think Sean Penn worked in Joe's Brasserie.

No question about that. No idea how fast you'd have gone on the dry, but I can tell you,

"was driven at high speed through a shopping centre and then off a Royal Marines landing craft, into the sea."

Oh, has anyone got any Night Nurse?

Its got a radio, air conditioning, electric windows

in a front-wheel drive car, the heavy engine is pressing down on the driven wheels,

No, I'm not going to make that. I'm not going to make it.

He'll be driving along in it and he will think,

This week, the boys try to identify which car manufacturer has made the greatest number of great cars. A decision which will surely be reached, with much arguing and shouting. James takes a caravan to a camp site, but chooses not to clog up the roads for proper motorists whilst doing so and Jeremy drives a replica of a classic rally car on the track. Chris Evans is the Star in a Reasonably Priced Car. MORE -LESS

What you're witnessing here, viewers, is the maiden voyage of the world's first caravan air ship.

is their new Gallardo Balboni, it's a tribute to Valentino Balboni. Lamborghini most famous test driver

Let me tell you a bit about the caravan air ship

all new steel brakes, instead of carbon ceramic fancy ones. It's Lamborghini's punk album.

Very well cooked on one side.

You'd love it. There is one slight hitch, though. - What is up now?

I was wondering if there were any pitches available at the White House beach club this afternoon?

Police helicopter really not necessary.

I didn't know if it was the one I had booked into, but it would do.

the light breezes.

his front leg grab onto his chest and his back leg kicking like that.

We got the picture of the handover.

Belting down the M1, you arrive in Leicestershire, and there is a 20-mile set of road works there.

But that's fine, you can test it. Stay to 70 because that the speed limit.

Jesus lives in Leicestershire.

It was weird cos he only ever made one great car, James,

The number of people who voted for,

and now look at it.

the same thing that made all Lancia's great, the way it looked.

They did all these significant mechanical firsts,

And I shall now drive it non- stop through the night on a rough rally stage.

Now, you might be saying, it's a Morris Marina,

Absolutely nothing.

No matter, though, because here's proof that Lancias are tough and strong,

For people to buy.

These window winders, it's... - Not very good.

just pulled itself back into a corner.

My guest tonight is a broadcasting legend.

I still stand by - There's more Lancia I like to.. - Oh come on!

I'm not joking! I'm not joking!

It's only tin and rubber. And I think the great thing about this kind of cars.

I love it to death. It's better than stuff I've never tried.

No I'm not, because for somebody at 60.

At the 50 mark, turning,

That is slippery. You're looking quite good though.

So an entirely new way across the line.

in fact, I don't know where it was made.

The pedals are nowhere near where the bottom of my legs are.

He has just gone to answer the phone now.

and put it back on in the car.

but the same reason that a postcard of the Mona Lisa is not as good as Leonardo's.

Some say his new Christmas range of fragrances,

The boys' propensity to be ambitious but rubbish, means the possibility of electrocution looms large this week, as Jeremy, James and Richard attempt to build their own electric car. On the track, the American Corvette ZR1 tries its best to compete with the German Audi R8 V10. Michael Sheen is this week's Star in a Reasonably Priced Car.

That is the basisof everything we're doing. A doddle!

'..I retired to the mood room to seek further design inspiration.'

Everything is doable on your kitchen table.

And after some more styling tweaks, - Geoff was ready for the road.

Can you put three people in a G-Wiz? No.

James, James, we aren't allowed to drive down this street. Yes, we are.

'Having annoyed the people the centre of Oxford, we drove on and ended up annoying the people

Guys, we're going to have to get the electricity from this side of the road.

'On balance, we thought it best to leave Oxford and get back to the Top Gear Technology Centre,

MUSIC PLAYS SLOWLY: "Heaven Is APlace On Earth" by Belinda Carlisle

some more electricity(!) James, seriously, why didn't you put more than two batteries in it?

It is indeed and we start with this.

You're from Sheffield? Cos I'm just thinking,

because it's been six years since that was nicked,

Cos whenever I drive a really nice, - exciting car I always get

to come on the stage and admit that - you too have been bestowed

on which car company has produced the largest number of great cars.

Now, last year I drove an Audi R8, and I thought it was the knees of

r!

Flappy-paddle gearbox, £5,000.

You put the sport on in a super-car? You mad, crazy fool, you!

This is the Corvette ZR1, which is extremely fast.

It's much too wide and in the corners, it's a complete mad man.

Oh, no! I'm gone!

I said in that film that the Audi's - trip computer was broken.

Ooh, did you see that? Weirdly, it's the Audi going sideways.

No... But the thing is, I reckon you or I could get the Audi round

In America people think I'm a Tony Blair look-alike, yeah.

"You must mend your ways. Save up money and buy the disused tin mine in the mountain." So from then on

Completely besotted. And I always say to her, "What are they about?"

so I would assume you have some form of hybrid.

I lost ten pounds, but I did used to lose consciousness as well. - I was so faint.

So that's jet-lagged and damp. And there were people shooting bows and arrows.

So here we go, coming up to the first corner... Ooh, I say,

CHEERING

There's still 20 minutes of daylight left.

I've also devised a very, very clever way

nothing would happen.

And it did!

and fired into a concrete block, whilst super slow motion cameras

OK. Now, let's see the slow motion crash footage.

And there we are, a superb result in the crash test.

We would be up against a Toyota Prius.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Oh! Has one of the doors fallen off?

Using, of course, an independent test driver!

28mph. I'm gonna take this baby up a bit!

is just immense! It's too demanding, we couldn't do that. No. But we know a man who can!

SIRENS WAIL

Jeremy, Richard and James take an Aston DBS Volante, a Ferrari California, and a Lamborghini Gallardo Spyder to Romania in search of an obscure stretch of tarmac that some hardcore drivers claim is nothing less than the greatest road in the world. James compares two powerful limos, the BMW 760i and Mercedes S63 AMG. The star in a reasonably priced car is Eric Bana. MORE -LESS

Have you ever seen the like, Hammond?

Yes, if you used facts and figures

and running around the streets holding it above your head

'With our phones connected -eventually - we put our roofs up,

'Is this correct?'

Great(!)

The Italians don't acknowledge the existence of Romania.

When he said roundabout, did he mean roundabout?

What?

Jeez, there's a corner there!

It turned out that all three cars were equally loud.

each fan is going to be limited to just 24 cans of lager each per day.

This is the first time they've put their own engine into it,

It's...there you go.

Can we? Get it on the screen.

by giving it to the world's most practical man, Clarkson.

"Can you help? Yours sincerely, some bankers."

can quite easily, look, get a bit of a lick on.

there's a good chance you'll want to pay someone to drive it for you.

Luckily, Stig's a bit too stupid

In fact, there's such a bewildering array of gizmos on both cars,

But put your foot down and suddenly it erupts with typical AMG volcanic storm and fury.

all his arms go brown and fall off.

It really is wet out there.

from somewhere called Australia,

It's not a bad second prize as far as you're concerned. -It's dangerous.

I just have a bit of fun in the Australian GT series,

it's some kind of a personal possession

Six left, one-two right, 100.

Now, obviously, you didn't come thousands of miles

Lots of understeer there.

James had got lost, and we'd ended up by mistake in Bucharest.

Romania only has 143 miles of motorway

Oh, mate! That's my Dacia Sandero?

Could you see anything in your screen?

It would have made you happier.

Is this the horse and cart? That's a horse.

Yeah, it smells of detergent.

Yes, please. Right.

Please let it end!