Marlon

In the Season 1 finale, the first wedding anniversary since their divorce leads Marlon and Ashley to rehash the details of their first date. They each have very different recollections of how it went down.

Come on, this is our tradition.

Boy, you heard your sister. Get your ass to bed.

Just lean me on a wall real cool like this.

What are you talking about?

"Hey, this is about you. You under arrest."

You're being crazy if you're trying to kill this tradition.

I put a ring on it.

and then we'll decide, was our first date,

Marlon, you sure you want to do this?

Oh, come on, Ash.

You shut up with that tacky peach dress,

oh, white boy-can-get-it card from the sisters.

I said to myself, "These are beautiful."

And I said, "Damn, self. You've been reading."

Roses and smooth talk?

He was a hot mess.

I'm sorry I'm looking all busted,

I bought you something.

And it's hard to get busy with, you know, Jesus like this.

- Ah. - See?

You can't handle the truth!

Now, I think a couple of those were not courtroom dramas,

Ashley went to the bathroom to "freshen up."

you know what I'm saying?

and perhaps I could, if you allow me to,

Lead the way, my Mandingo king.

You a freak.

Girl, I got to say, a nice dinner

that Marlon always seems to skip over.

Because this fool never took me to see Boyz II Men.

If the date was so bad, then why was there a second one?

Oh, no, I didn't lie.

When I first asked you out, I didn't have the tickets,

He didn't give me the tickets, but I got this Rolex for $82.

So you'd rather I think you're a liar?

You like Boyz II Men? I'll do you one better.

? Without holding you tight ?

Move.

? Yeah ?

except I was a lot more on key?

These are all biased conclusions.

No, Marlon.

Really, Marlon?

That's what I've been trying to tell you, Marlon.

I said, "Would you marry me?"

And so would I.

And I promise you, I'm going to hold you to that.

Marlon believes he can act appropriately to help Ashley get into an exclusive social club that prefers couples; and Yvette is shocked to learn that Stevie fits in perfectly among the bourgeois clientele at the club.

Inappropriate. You name one time

First of all, I didn't stand in the chair,

Marlon, this club is important to me.

I'm being appropriate.

Thanks.

You're the third to last person I want here tonight.

- Okay. - Mmm.

Karen, hi, I'm Ashley Wayne.

Enchanté.

Mm. Not at all.

Okay, fine, you can stay.

Yvette, allow me.

and oysters Rockefeller to start.

This space is such a lovely balance

What in "The Green Mile"?

Oh, God.

and the charity work that you do.

I'm sorry, I wasn't clear.

is a terrible thing to support."

or perhaps his own toilet paper,

Where are all these bald-head dudes coming from?

It's like the beach and crackers

? Howl of how we'll win the day ?

? The voices of our bells will whisper ?

One of us is off.

- Uh, Zack, he's... he's... - Uh...

He's actually been tapped for the space program.

First a fake charity,

and some tobacco

he's hosting a wine tasting this weekend.

with Morgan Freeman.

gives me a fresh start.

Guess I said the wrong thing.

and they'd rather hang out with Diana Ross' niece.

Stevie, all this time,

were off menu.

I always knew your ass was trifling.

Girl, please.

You know, your name fascinates me.

Look who answers to "Karen."

in your hair,

How many days have you woke up lightheaded

So you're not from Westport, are you?

My... my dude.

I'm sleeping with my secretary.

Marlon's lack of boundaries leads Ashley to ask for his key to her house back; and Marlon coaches Zack's basketball team.

Let's get this one! Are you ready to win?

Couldn't let another season go by

Are you here for free pizza too?

But where they at, though?

Now... did you get the playbook I emailed you?

eating sugar with my son and...

It's complicated!

and I'm out!

Yeah... play some.

You're the coach now.

I got some good news.

If ya wanna win games,

is what I like to call

Bow!

You be like, "Your daddy's so poor,

I go to Temple with some of these guys.

We're just having our first practice.

and I believe it's time to establish some boundaries.

I'm cool with that.

You know, I thought us not doing it was boundaries enough.

it can be very frustrating.

Damn, Coach looks good in a suit.

then you are a winner!

I feel like such a loser.

We can see where this is going.

Gabe, you stop it with all your little white guilt.

yet proud...

I think you pushed us too far.

[laughs] Black man at a rib joint.

That is such a great first step.

trust me.

That is also how you do a drug deal.

talking about people's mamas.

is also your strength.

Oh, don't get it twisted, Negro.

All right, Camels, gather around.

There's nothing I wouldn't do to win!

and go, "Hey, look at little Steph Curry baby.

What's your weakness?

oh, he's doing mathematic equations.

Two points in your mouth, bitch!

Marlon and Ashley have very different ways of coping when Zack needs surgery.

God knows my heart, and you can trust and believe that.

Jesus loves me. This I know.

- We need to talk. - I don't like conversations

It reminds me of why we got divorced.

♪

kids in wheelchair races.

Can I have $42?

and this is my ex-husband, Marlon.

and she definitely don't like you, but she's feeling Daddy.

that's gonna cut me open?

Take Dr. Brown and Mr. Pibb with you,

[sighs] Sorry it took so long to get the coffee.

His white blood cell count needs to level out.

This is me and you at a three-day hospital party!

in the hospital with their kid, and they got so stressed,

I just saw a cart full of unattended Jell-O cups.

Mommy has something that I think might cheer you up.

before the streetlights come on, little homey!"

- You got to keep it together. - I'm sorry, okay?

Yeah, pretty much. Hey, Zack.

It's just like when I told you that the kids weren't ready

I like to think that Boscoe was taken in by the pack,

You know that was the best 11 hours of our life?

We only got one cot, so no funny stuff, okay?

This is just like our marriage.

The doctor says Zack is supposed to relax, and you keep him up

for her sixth birthday, and you said we couldn't

Oh, forgive me for wanting to protect our children

[sighs] You know what?

Hello? I can't get to the phone right now

about Harry Potter and them, and I passed out like a light.

[muffled funk music playing]

I don't know what the hell you doing, man.

and he wanted to run more tests, so Zack got scared.

All right. All right.

[dramatic musical sting]

We're gonna kick its...

And if you could re-circumcise him, that'd be nice.

- I love you. - I love you, too.

I'm writing 'em.

[gasping sobs]

Take me instead! [sniffles]

It's gon' be all right. Come on, baby.

Don't take this one, God!

- Daddy! Dad! - Don't take him!

Marlon is stunned to learn that Ashley is treating herself to breast augmentation surgery for her birthday, her first since their divorce. In other events, Stevie tries to guess Yvette's age.

In college, I was a founding member of

A gray hair.

One of them stair lift chairs that do this...

Oh!

It's something I've been considering for a while.

and I thought you liked surprises.

with them popping out your T-shirt, talking about,

That's the road map of our memories.

You complain about your stretch marks.

Let's see what the kids think of it.

Well, it is her body,

Okay, Marlon, I'm turning 40.

I'm sorry, I don't speak club rat.

Guys, this has nothing to do with dating, okay?

Zack, go play basketball.

- Let me? - Let you?

I'ma surprise his ass by not showing up.

[engine revs, idles off]

But I was zipping through traffic, cutting between cars.

A motorcycle? Honestly?

Boo! This is my body.

Are you out of your damn mind?

That's fine with me.

♪ ♪

trying to find my high school yearbook,

Ashley's not returning my texts or my phone calls.

you got to tell me this type of stuff!

The battle of the wits, not the foot stuff.

Great, thank you.

We all wish we were different.

She doesn't even feel like a woman anymore.

we gon' leave 'em in our lap."

He need a... a chin tuck,

You don't even need to buy your kids a Christmas gift.

I need to make a point, Ashley!

Yes, it looks beautiful, but if you look really close...

I know one butt cheek is bigger than the other one.

Not in a podiatrist's office.

♪ ♪

And this is why you're a jackass.

Surprise!

Do you wanna be there as, uh, my ex-husband?

'Cause you know Yvette don't listen to anybody.

how's everybody feeling?

some sleuths have keen powers of observation,

you wouldn't want anyone to know.

Feeling that Marley and Zack don't appreciate everything they have, Marlon teaches them a lesson by recreating the projects from his childhood.

Uber? What, what, what, hold on,

These kids is out of control.

We give our kids everything and now we mad.

Ooh, sorry, Dad.

I bet you have an atrocious credit score.

All right? We're gonna go with my thunder.

It's a chore wheel.

[scoffs] Good luck.

snuggle time with Mom.

Why are we divorced, but I'm still carrying your groceries?

Oh, my gosh, and look at how beautiful these are folded.

in cute little bags near the garage.

- What was that? - Jeanette from Task Rabbit.

You can bring the thunder.

And guess what? The entire family shares it.

Say good-bye to all your little bougie luxuries.

Is all of this necessary?

See the way I said that? Nothing!

- How do you... - Come on, boy, get to work!

and now they're new to you.

Yeah, well, too bad you went and spilled Kool-Aid all over it

Now baby girl, you are gonna inherit that responsibility.

Yeah, you got to put that all on your back and carry it

back down to the 85, then you're gonna cross town and take the 2

Negro, you gotta get you some new shoes.

All you gotta do is collect enough bottles and cans

I'll be right here waiting.

I am the Job Goblin.

Uh, what the hell?

Ahh, Marley's making dinner.

Ooh, hot, a little hot.

What is this? This is sour.

Mm, oh, I can just feel the blood sugar levels rising

It could be a little softer.

And it comes with a remote control.

You know the government is trippin',

♪ Dup-do-do-do, do-do-do-do ♪

You will at 4:00 a.m.

this is not working.

Our kids are not that bad.

You better shut up, bitch.

They let them run up their credit card, just like y'all.

And Leesie's episode of "Hoarders"

Dead cats and pizza boxes, girl.

y-you remember how you told me to shut it down?

They, um, see, what had happened was...

My eye went like this, and I just snapped.

And-and now you all caught up.

Me? You the one that

Marlon and Ashley contemplate whether to have no strings attached 'ex-sex.' Yvette babysits Marley and Zack.

You mean, since the divorce, you and Marlon-never?

I read an article on BuzzFeed

we would have stayed married.

but I didn't know she was a killer.

You know, ex sex?

I'm the opposite.

And I be like, "Why'd I hit this crazy girl?"

You know, the locksmith was at my house at least once a week?

No, I only had one drink the whole damn game,

Marlon, I was already married to you, okay?

Oh, I'd make your little toes do this.

You really think you could do this?

Let's do it.

Oh, okay.

You better get your stretch on.

Hey.

You're damn right it is.

I mean, as impossible as he is,

you sent his nephew to Space Camp.

But it's a ball. I got to know if it bounces.

for a guy who got a "sorry, we're stumped" email

Once you make love, she'll fall right back in,

getting hated on by Republicans

a less-attractive friend who needs to be occupied by me.

"Uh-uh, I ain't moving nowhere,"

Sex it and exit.

That's not all I shaved.

so this way she thinks I'm washing my privates.

Either way it goes, I messed up the perfect divorce.

She knows how much I dig that jive, baby.

and I'ma come in there and lay the skinny down on that thing.

You can have some water juice.

They jack your uterus, and they stretch your...

they'll have grandkids and people to look after them.

You will.

I have such a headache.

you winning the pancake-eating contest?

Uh, no, I think I'll sit right here.

I didn't get to wash in there. I just took a ho bath.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

and in a committed relationship, you know, so it's...

and a little bit more of taking off this towel?

Hey, Marlon, how was your day?

I mean, look at you.

You want to have animal sex,

What-what-what...

I'm just trying to get her done.

Marlon struggles to come to terms with his daughter bringing home a boy for the first time. Yvette uses Stevie to get great seats to a Beyoncé concert.

I'd like to eat at the Rainforest Cafe.

It's gonna be a long time before that party starts.

Your face makes me want a Happy Meal.

Yay. That's so great.

My little girl...

Okay.

And you know what, Marlon?

This is happening.

So... you like a boy.

I'm intrigued.

It's like your mom. When I first saw her,

"and your lil' cocoa-brown complexion.

A'ight.

You know, sometimes you really have a way with words.

Let me get my yearbook.

Yeah, he helps out by throwing the ball to everyone

Zack.

Just... their bodies just do this.

No, I'm cool right here, babe.

- Boy, you better get off me. - Okay, but...

Have you seen her Snapchat?

Are you that blind?

Your Rice Krispie Treats are terrible.

Point.

You know what? This isn't worth it.

Here, sit.

Protego Maxima, yeah.

Focus, right.

You know what, Dad?

I sound crazy as hell.

Mm-hmm.

You better sit down, Eugene.

Jesus.

- See, that's it. - No, no, no.

Exactly, and you want her to fall and bust her ass

and I need you to play along with it.

For a girl who survived getting hit by two buses,

I'm not really good at this school thing,

No, no.

No. That is your cue.

you got a very misleading moniker.

Ashley is shocked to learn that Marlon has a storage unit crammed full of things from when they were married and challenges him to have a yard sale to part with it all.

or they're gonna auction it off.

Ashley, if I did everything I was supposed to do,

Our hand-carved, ancient African CD rack,

Yeah, good times.

A big girl who likes rat droppings

I'm gonna go 'cause it smells like 1997 up in here.

My old Walkman, complete with Mega Bass.

This is all the stuff that was in the storage unit

to use the money on boring stuff like rent.

You know, I am three credits shy of a psychology degree,

See, hoarders collect things that have no value.

Hmm, let me look around and see if I can find something

Listen, if you and Ashley can't see the value

You're just figuring this out now?

That's Marlon's living room.

This is a cry for help. Okay, wait a minute.

Stevie, I think it's very sweet

My old metal detector.

"Hey, Marlon, you are the father"?

and "Real Housewives Reunion."

We are gonna go in reverse order of importance.

and what you do in the dark will show up in the light...

Oh, my God.

Okay, Marlon, I didn't write a letter.

They keep their head up.

Marlon, deep down inside, we still love you.

You got some nerve talking 'bout me

And since we're being honest, Stevie,

Busty, freckled gingers?

Hold on, let me check my PalmPilot.

because that doesn't affect me, but I always thought

- What are you selling? - My college papers

that you're going through with this.

You know them brothers ain't gonna play

Marlon, where are you on the anxiety scale?

and their hobbies sometimes.

but then I would have to do a background check,

Where you going with that? Who sold that to you?

You gon' turn this into a crack pipe!

I'm at a 8.5. Kinda 9.

until beach patrol showed up, and I know they was watching

I swear it sounded like, "A Teeny! A Teeny!"

we could get to our first sex tape!

A Passing Fad."

Exes Marlon and Ashley try a friendly divorce for their children's sake, but things get tricky when Ashley decides to date again. In other events, Marlon struggles to keep a sponsor for his online channel, “The Marlon Way.”

Hey, make your mama a nonfat mocha latte with frappuccino!

Um, excuse me, I'm celibate.

Mm-hmm. No.

I used the fort toilet!

Girl, you're the one who ended this marriage.

Ahh!

Ooh, Marley's in trouble!

There are these girls at school... Tiffany and Claire.

But you go to an all-white private school.

Listen, white people are genetically predisposed

What in "The Brady Bunch" are you talking about?

This what I wanted you to do! This what I wanted you to do!"

Then I just want you to walk away, and then you go,

You do that, I guarantee you they gon' take off running,

If you "black up," they gon' back up.

If I have to watch another Tyler Perry movie,

Oh, is that all you remember about our past?

I was using your misogynistic vernacular

Is there anything you want to share with me?

That's frustrating.

Okay, deal, but you gotta change your shirt first.

that I have left for you! It's almost 7:00!

- Hi, Stevie, bye, Stevie. - Kids! Hey!

No, we're better off separated.

I don't have time for this.

You really want to talk about lying in this relationship?

Who the hell did you go on a date with in 1998?

Adult? Wait, I'm being an adult, okay?

I'm talking about them little lazy ones that just stand

But you know what?

What the what? That's crazy!

I couldn't feel sorry for those dumbass teenagers

- Hey, good seeing you, Dennis. - Devon.

the trash cans on Thursdays instead of Tuesdays, so...

to our son's little black ass.

- What did you find out, Marlon? - Well, I'm glad you asked.

Is there a problem?

Oh, really? Is that the reason,

This is what I wanted you to do! Ohh!

Thank you very much.

What you gon' do? What you gonna do?

What's the password?