Aired 8 years ago - May 18, 2016
After almost forgetting that Brick's middle school graduation is only days away, Frankie goes on a mission to right a wrong when Brick discovers that the song he was supposed to sing at the ceremony has been cut. Meanwhile, Sue needs to be at
Dollywood to begin her summer job on the same day as Brick's graduation, and Axl takes a job as a country club counselor and finds himself being mocked by a 10-year-old carbon copy of himself.
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Oh, I'm so, so sorry.
If I don't show up,
Do you have to be there?
Oh, Mom, I'm not allowed to sing anymore.
I guess they drew names
in the teachers' lounge.
What's with Charlie Brown over there?
And what nine?
Maybe we could just let this one go.
'Cause we stopped marking it.
I'm not a "going down there" person.
And don't forget to tell them
Big day. Big day.
It seems like just yesterday
you were my little baby brother.
is if we let Brick decide.
I started to, but they feel it was fair.
I said that I thought it would be great
So it was a total wasted visit.
You blew our first attempt.
He wants his moment in the sun!
We've only got a couple days
until the Cardboard Regatta.
All the parents are talking about it.
It wouldn't be fair
for people to know you're great.
and now I can go to Brick's graduation.
because we have a very
special brother-sister relationship,
I don't want you driving
down there all by yourself.
I'm not doing your
stupid little boat thing.
You got swag, but you
don't need to prove it 24/7.
And... And... And... And...
Go, go, go, go!
Fart Barge!
and spoke to us individually.
I think you need to let it go.
You can't do this.
I put stars on calendars and
can't remember what they're for.
I am cramming 10 years of not
caring into this one fight.
- Great.
- I love duets.
No duets?!
But I will not sit around
Now every kid who wanted
to got a chance to perform.
Paula made me come up
here to get a better video.
we will hand out diplomas...
I didn't even know
if Brick could sing.
♪ This will be our year ♪
♪ Now we're there, and
we've only just begun ♪
Aired 8 years ago - May 11, 2016
Frankie figures out a way to secretly track Sue and Axl after they refuse to abide by their curfew while they're home for the summer. Meanwhile, Brick's determined to discover who else could be class valedictorian as middle-school graduation approaches.
I have never had pancakes
at 2:00 in the morning.
I've tried to get ahold of you two.
I'm over 21!
You don't know where we are.
You are really pulling
out the classics now, Dad.
I make good choices.
Whatever.
I'm just kind of here until
Mrs. Hilsabeck gets back.
What's the matter, Brick?
You know, finally being cool.
And we will never earn true equality
because I am going to help you.
Axl! Axl, it's almost 10:00. We got to go.
When you say "whatever," you've won.
Right. You only say "whatever"
when you don't have a comeback.
went to Tally's Diner, and
now they're on their way home.
So now I know their
whereabouts at all times.
I just follow each of
their dots on the map.
That's fine. I'm cool.
No?
because you don't know
about the dot, remember?
I-I think the only right thing to do
Hey, could you grab me a pop?
It was like listening to Shakespeare
read from his greatest works,
Well, what are you
thinking about right now?
She's building a condo in there.
They may be smart, but they're still girls.
building your own condo with
a big, geeky library in it.
Anyway, you're that guy. Want a refill?
And begin.
I told him when he was
leaving he was gonna be late,
Hey. How was the movie?
I figured you'd obviously go to Sbarro's.
Dads aren't supposed
to know what's going on.
I did terrible on my geometry test.
But, hey, it's not like
Wait. What if Cindy got 100%?
♪♪
Look at the dots.
I have a bra in it.
Well, they couldn't have gone anywhere.
A little dose of our own medicine.
I just use it so I know
They're horrible. They kill for thrills.
AXL: Found them!
- What?
- Oh, my God. Are you tracking us?
The real lesson here is
you still don't trust us.
[gasps] Dad?
Aired 8 years ago - May 04, 2016
After enduring year after year of botched Mother's Days, Frankie declares that the family gets to take a pass on doing anything at all for her this year. But after a man offers to buy Frankie's groceries at the market when she discovers that she
forgot her wallet - and tells her to pay the kindly gesture forward - she decides to have the family pull each other's names out of a hat and do something nice for that person, which doesn't go as smoothly as planned.
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All I ask is that, you
know, pay it forward.
So, what did Dad get you?
So was he?
Anyway, I was thinking
about it on the way home,
Could be a kind gesture.
I love small things.
Oh, perfect.
Axl, you can't pay it forward to yourself.
Okay, just got to cross out
Man, this is hard. I really
want to do right by me.
Seriously?
And here is the secret of the room.
I might start buying one per week.
Why are you being such a crab apple?
I thought your mom and I
had a good relationship,
What kind of guy starts a conga line?
[scoffs] You can't just
repeat the last word I said.
Boom! Nailed it. Thank you, me.
I look awesome.
It's that I don't want
to dance with anybody.
So I looked over at you.
Are you sure I...
and dance away and pretend
everything was fine.
'Cause it seems like a lot
of work just for the summer.
Wow. Thanks. The bedroom and the bathroom?
so I took him out to the
doll hospital on Route 10.
so he might smell a little chemically,
So, here it was... Mother's Day.
I'm just calling to tell you
that I'm driving your mom back.
and we'll watch it at our house.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Seriously?
for no other reason than out
of the kindness of her heart.
but I guess it's your room now.
Well, if that's how you really
feel, you probably should.
so I renamed the room Santiago.
Oh, of course, Mike.
so I thought maybe we
could work something out.
That would be ridiculous.
Oh, no, I don't want that.
Love me some bacon.
[chuckles]
and I don't want to go to
Dollywood for the summer
[whimpers]
Aired 8 years ago - Apr 27, 2016
Frankie is excited to lay out and relax on her new backyard lanai - aka patio - that Mike and his workmates built for her. But peace and serenity become hard to come by when new neighbors, with three screaming kids, move in next door and make it
next to impossible for Frankie to find some quiet time. Meanwhile, Brick questions Mike as to whether his workmates helped build the lanai because they are his friends, or because he's their boss; Sue and Lexie draw a winning number in the dorm lottery and score the perfect room but find it difficult to kick out its current occupants; and Axl and Hutch open up a grilled cheese food truck out of their Winnebago, with a reluctant Kenny as their chef.
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It's only two minutes till
the pick order goes up.
The main thing is, we don't
want anything 300 or below,
- [both screaming]
- Yes! We can get the flood room!
[both screaming]
- I want a full-size cookie!
- DIERDRE: No! It's almost dinnertime!
[bottles clink]
No. Where'd you get that idea?
screaming and yelling,
and it's driving me crazy!
She once turned a hose
on Christmas carolers.
I know the box is open, but my
son only had a small handful.
I've got a brand-new lanai,
Turns out now they're saying
a lot of TV is actually good.
Well, we're gonna be an outdoor family now.
Well, I have a lot more
unpacking to do, so...
What's the one thing we're missing?
Kenny is an artiste.
featuring sandwiches by Kenny"
was built on fine European cheeses.
I mean, it's not like they had to.
Brush your teeth.
Fine. Whatever.
What would you say is your
favorite part of this room?
and we get to get stuck with
whatever sucky room is left
Amber. Hi. Nice to meet you.
Oh, my God, Lexie. Are you
thinking what I'm thinking?
Besides, they say that dealing with
struggles in life builds character.
You're right. You're totally right.
Wait. Are you serious?
And seriously, if you guys ever need to
store anything in our walk-in closet...
We can use it to drop off grilled cheeses.
This is the post-hangover,
pre-drunk rush.
You don't talk much, but when
you do, you make a man think.
and I thought of you.
and let them run and
get all their energy out.
We didn't fix anything.
Quality takes time.
Um, how about... Ooh!
Oh, my God. We totally pulled it off!
I skimmed the mold off the top,
put a scoop of it on a plate
I tell you what... I'm not
gonna be one of those stereotypes
but at last, I was one with my lanai
Maybe you should lie down.
This is her day to use conditioner.
That always takes more out of her.
- Ohhhhh!
- Why are you yelling at my sister?
So, so nice!
to push the stinky stuff through.
[children shouting]
Aired 8 years ago - Apr 13, 2016
Frankie is thrilled when Sue invites her for lunch at the college. But lunch becomes awkward when Sue brings her new boyfriend along - Jeremy, the school activist - and the two of them begin bombarding Frankie with everything she and the world, in
general, are doing wrong. Meanwhile, Axl informs a very disappointed Mike that he wants to quit football, and Brick overly obsesses over filling out a satisfaction survey after ordering some graph paper online.
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He's in between protests till Arbor Day,
Boy, your mom wasn't kidding when
she said we're on our own for lunch.
Me! I've been chosen. This is huge.
Yeah, no, actually, I'll be fine,
'cause, see, I looked in to it.
Look, you always get
this way in the spring.
Tacos should fit in your
hand and be delicious.
It's an artificial construct
of three powerful white men.
I think we should all just
be citizens of the Earth.
There is this island in the middle
of the ocean the size of Texas
If she's smart, she's at the ACLU,
fighting for a decent living wage.
That's a pretty wide gap.
"How does this graph
paper compare with others?"
- I'm gonna click it.
- Please do.
I'm gonna have to have onion-soup
mix and bread heels for dinner?
I mean, it was kind of funny when Bugs
Bunny did it to look like a lady rabbit,
You're gonna love this.
She literally wouldn't be
able to stand up straight.
How old do you think I am?
and enjoy a movie with too
many white people in it.
partly because that's where
they come alphabetically
whose thinking I think is admirable.
Oh, I love Christmas, but I
hate the merchandising of it.
barefoot and pregnant in her Malibu prison.
Aw, but that's so much work.
They were due an hour ago.
Why else would I keep
coming home for no reason?
I want to focus more on my classes or
maybe get an internship or just have fun.
Get back out here! Axl!
I'm so glad you texted
me. I can really use this.
- It's dime-beer hour.
- Then, I'll take 10.
"Put the toilet seat down." "Ugh."
He drove away from me.
...repeatedly.
After 23 updates, he'd had enough.
between my thumb and my
index finger of both hands
Do you need it in writing?
Hello?
Hm.
You know what they are?
Well, just take some of Axl's
toothpaste and do the finger trick.
It's inhumane to not take milk,
There's a million-dollar idea.
and I'd say, "Back at ya," and she'd say,
He m... He moved so fast,
like a... fast thing,
No, duh. I always am.
They think they can do what they want.
Didn't matter where.
Aired 8 years ago - Apr 06, 2016
Sue develops a huge crush on one of her college professors and goes to extremes to get him to notice her, and Frankie and Mike agree to meet Brick's girlfriend Cindy's parents, who end up being just as quirky as their daughter.
I e-mailed some of the
parents in Brick's class...
Well, you tried.
"Chicago, my kind of town."
Well, Cindy's in my class,
Hello. I don't believe we've met.
What's with the fancy outfit?
Come on.
Not all of them are gonna be winners.
Now, for any of you that
just can't get enough Stalin,
Oh, what's the attire?
Boy, we've been trying to get
this thing together for ages.
on the way over here?
Oh, so you have?
Oh, my God.
but I might try this.
But, obviously, they do,
Hey.
Just got some thread from my wrap
I can't believe they
were talking about moving.
You don't ask people
you just met for $700.
Brick, I understand that you're upset,
And, guys, please, we're
just hanging out here.
After all, Nick, I may
be alone here, but...
I'm just gonna throw them
in the recycling anyway.
Oh, totally. No problem.
Right, a-and sometimes,
it's hard for a student
I think what's going on here
is that you might have just a...
He had the whole class over
at his apartment tonight,
someday I could be a
professional baseball man.
We're not giving $700
to a total stranger.
polar bears, something.
Everyone is chained to
something in this world.
Well, you should have thought of that
that I haven't even started glazing yet.
Oh, I can't believe I missed number two.
But... and here's an idea...
Because I wandered into your closet
How did you always get Mom
and Dad to do what you wanted?
but it's not like you're the
first guy it's ever happened to.
The good news for you is
the Japanese are very close
Aired 8 years ago - Mar 23, 2016
After making some extra money from the diaper business, Mike surprises a rather unenthusiastic Heck family with a spring break vacation at Mammoth Cave, Kentucky. In the hopes of livening up what is perceived to be a lame vacation, Frankie suggests
that the Donahues join them. While Mike visits all of the attractions on his own, Nancy asks a not-so-thrilled Frankie to speak with Sean to try and talk him into taking his MCATs; Axl enlists Brick to help him pick up women by playing "Jerk/No Jerk" - with Brick in the role of the "Jerk"; and Mike is anything but excited when an exuberant Sue reveals some news to him about her upcoming summer plans.
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they're all ears.
see if you can reach his brain
under all of that hair of his.
No, the other thing.
He always says he could
live on a golf course,
So, what do you say?
then I swoop in, tell
him to leave her alone.
I understand, man.
you'll experience a complete
absence of natural light.
Yeah.
Well, you know how it is with Sean.
But then you just wormed
your way into my heart,
Perhaps my parents can
buy you a sandwich.
Let the lady read her book.
about your sudden penchant
for older ladies.
Fine, but I don't know
I guess I just felt like getting
away from my family for a while.
They still want me to be
You listen to your kids, let
'em find their own path.
For instance, I have no idea
where my kids are right now.
Man, I wish my mom
thought more like you.
and then you'll regret not
having taken the MCATs.
I mean, I'm just very "chill"...
See, some people have an innate
sense of what a kid needs,
♪ ♪
Okay, I didn't want to tell anyone
You're talking about living
in Tennessee for the summer?
It's in a different state with
strange people in condos.
I won't be smelling
like potatoes anymore.
But I wasn't really
asking your permission.
You know, sometimes
adults say silly things
my finger would probably
go right through it.
So, given the choice
between an atomic wedgie
So, I guess the only thing your
mom is gonna hear about today
Other than becoming a nun,
that's as safe as it gets.
We should've sent her to a school
which of course I love,
I'm not gonna stop being her
dad just 'cause she's 18.
Hey, Nance.
I just don't want to smother
you with my gratitude.
It sounds kind of like "smother."
I'm not blaming you.
and I love you, too.
Let's do that, and I'm buying.
See this spot right here? Very slippery.
Aired 8 years ago - Mar 16, 2016
Frankie's excited to take care of Sue and Axl after they both have their wisdom teeth removed; and Brick lays down new house rules for his siblings while they're back home. Meanwhile, Mike learns the diaper business was Rusty's ex-wife's idea and becomes furious when he finds out she may be entitled to all their profits.
What with that and it
being her idea and all.
Uh, oh, yeah.
That's a true story.
Why is Julia Roberts here?
Oh, yeah. That's so nice.
It was just heart and idea.
you need to have more
than one number correct.
I'm gonna stick to you like
pasties on a stripper's boob.
I know about your offshore accounts.
I'll hold my hand so it seems dead.
We are gonna have so much fun
together this week, I promise.
Why would Julia Roberts do that to me?
Axl, Sue, repeat after me.
Plaid, plaid, plaid.
You're nice.
When you say you need
a fork, I just say,
You have gauze in your mouth, too.
Don't worry, Mrs. Heck.
Now, the secret is to
fluff from the bottom up.
I had no idea.
Got it.
- Boo.
- Boo.
and they do say 48 hours on the couch.
And your occupation is man leaving.
She'll probably forget
all about it tomorrow.
You're the one that
made a working prototype.
I recorded you and Sue on
the way home from the dentist.
Oh, that's when he was telling
you how much he loves you.
Oh, my God.
you weren't afraid to
tell me that you loved me.
and maybe I wanted it just for me.
So, we got to just reason with her.
You want to kill her?
and then oops... Just
another selfie gone bad.
doing whatever it is
that she likes you to do.
You know who was the good wife... you.
Well, guess that just leaves us.
but this is the year of Sue 2.0.
I mean, are you afraid
of being vulnerable?
And you just don't want
anyone else to know it.
You love our family.
Disappointment is your birthright.
You know, I thought this
was Elvis, but it's an eagle.
Well, you be nice to her.
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 24, 2016
After Brick attends a Bar Mitzvah and questions when he'll officially become a man, Mike attempts to help him become more responsible in his quest to manhood. Meanwhile, Sue exudes a little too much enthusiasm as she tries to flirt and find herself a boyfriend, and Axl and Hutch find themselves a new home in the form of a Winnebago.
Okay, what church is that?
I am supposed to be having fun
I was like, "I can't.
at 1,006 when their ears fall off.
'Cause I'd really rather
not have to kill off Mom.
Why is Kenny here?
Hey, Kenny. How you doing?
Me? I'm not gonna tell him.
You tell him.
Hi. Sue Heck. Nice to meet you.
Last night, I tried to talk
to a guy, and I almost died.
Oh, your walk.
you might want to just slow it down.
Here. Pretend your dad's a cute guy.
No. You can't.
you... you kind of want
to be slinking into it.
Mom's healthier than ever.
and this area of campus isn't zoned
Is this for school?
I remember back when
I was in Prairie Scouts,
until you get out from under
the tyranny of the man.
Let's go.
Every day's a gift.
to get the other three out.
Okay, this party's
gonna go way better.
Not then, either.
We'll just call him and
tell him where we are.
Blah, blah, blah, right?
You got it.
I was just at the party 'cause, uh...
which is great 'cause
then I have to walk
But sometimes, you really
show your best self
- whatever his last name is.
- Yeah.
All right.
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 17, 2016
After discovering that Brick has never seen a movie in a theater, Frankie and Mike take him to see a film with a small scene that was partially shot in Orson. But when Brick sees a trailer for an upcoming "Planet Nowhere" film that he completely
disapproves of, he makes it his mission to ensure that it won't ever play in that theater - or anywhere else. Meanwhile, Frankie and Mike get into a major disagreement over how events really unfolded when Mike shushes Frankie after he perceives that she was constantly interrupting Bill while he was telling a story; Sue runs into Logan - the hunky Abercrombie guy - and thinks she has a real chance of becoming his girlfriend; and Axl and Sean discover that they have unexpected ties to an event that happened when they were young.
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[ Both chuckle awkwardly ]
You told us
to save you seats.
so I just took these.
No, I already stole
once today.
[ Music stops ]
Man #2: Silligans.
And introducing
Montana Steinberg
[ Action music continues ] Stop the movie!
Stop the movie!
Please don't rob us.
[ Laughs nervously ]
Man: Based on an
incredible true story.
Brick, once the previews come
out, it's done. It's too late.
[ Scoffs ]
and it was getting
uncomfortable.
Brian!
Ugh, I hated that guy!
Yeah, so, anyway,
you were getting lemons...
Okay, first of all,
They were horrified.
Oh, man, we had a Brian!
So, you're bringing
the guy lemons.
Pbht!
Let the man finish his story!
we present a picture
of a loving, happy marriage.
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah!
Ooh, gutsy move
right at the beginning.
But that first one --
Susie Baker's basement.
I want to watch
'Deal Or No Deal!'"
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
we actually want
to spend time together.
Just stay...right here.
Pretty boring, huh?
'Cause she's saying
it's a big deal,
Ketchup or no ketchup?
Do you want my jacket?
Woman: I'm meeting my lawyer
for lunch.
Just so you know,
I've kissed 38 women
[ Sighs ]
[ Sighs ]
Nine galaxies, and the only
black guy is Dwayne Johnson.
Kiss.
I really like you, too.
because I think
I'm gonna do psychology.
God.
Yeah.
That's all I remember, too.
You give me an Abercrombie model
with washboard abs,
Not that I could
steal Logan from you.
[ Exhales ]
I'm gonna stop talking now.
♪♪
That's George Washington.
-[ Chuckles ]
No, I, um --
I didn't handle it right.
Aired 8 years ago - Feb 10, 2016
While Frankie and Mike try to figure out which household appliance a piece of plastic belongs to, Brick becomes a tyrannical director when he casts Cindy and Troy to re-enact scenes from "Knots Landing" for a school project; Sue's excitement over
having new friend Lexie become her college dorm roommate quickly sours when she finds herself being charged for half of the new things that Lexie is spontaneously buying for the room; and Axl finds himself becoming stressed out when his boss (Alan Ruck) befriends him and tells him that the fruit pie division is on the verge of being shut down.
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[Scoffs] The '80s weren't
that long ago, Brick.
Okay, so, I don't know
if you think this is lame,
101 hacks for rocking life away from home"!
Eeeee... Oh, my god.
'Cause that would be half of $300.
who will stop at nothing
to get what she wants.
I can't lose the hat.
I, uh, just got off the phone with Munson.
This is "Knots Landing."
Am I crazy,
where you said, "things are going great."
Oh. Thank you.
Oh, and check it out...
I got us a popcorn popper.
an idealistic widow
conflicted by a recent proposal
just because you're the
director's girlfriend.
I want my couch back.
You have to be off book, Mike.
exceeded the legal pesticide limit.
My hair's falling out in chunks.
I'm up all night thinking
about toxic apples
I am totally eating my
feelings. This job is killing me.
Oh, well, I just... I didn't
have class till the afternoon,
for the rest of the year right now,
[Sighs] Well, I already paid her $150.
she's just gonna find a roommate who can.
Don't listen to your dad.
and I popped all the quarters
where we die before we
have to pay anybody off.
is kind of a big commitment, right?
Oh, right. Sorry.
We always have so many random pieces.
with the candy map that
tells you what's inside
Then Troy called
But I'm the director.
Okay, I... I get it. I'll talk to them.
- Uh-huh.
- This is a big step for them.
Okay, settle.
who loves to perform?
[Sighs] I was hoping for a "yes."
Oh, hey, Lexie, have you seen my shampoo?
What? No.
I'm poor, Lexie!
You're great and amazing,
Seriously, I will pay for everything.
Years of practice.
[Both squeal]
You weren't here yesterday.
You didn't hear the news.
Aired 8 years ago - Jan 20, 2016
Mike enlists Axl and Brick's help to throw a surprise party for Frankie's 50th birthday. Meanwhile, Sue is mocked after posting a flyer for her missing sock in the dorm laundry room; and Coach Babbitt is determined to turn Brick into an athlete after he turns in a project about how he can't play sports.
Aired 8 years ago - Jan 13, 2016
Axl begins his internship at a snack-making company; Frankie complains about working for Smile Superstars; and Cindy confesses to Mike that she kissed another boy. Meanwhile, Sue's professor challenges her to stop seeing the world in a positive light for a writing assignment.
I don't know. I was trying to find a job
and not really finding anything and...
everything I've ever dreamed of!
He gets credit.
Yeah, Raduca won't let me watch
any television until it's finished.
Reese has studying
for green card exam.
Malcolm, this is Milt Anderson,
a recruiter from M.I.T.
That's right. Mississippi
Institute of Technology.
and you're not going to want to make
a decision until you come down and...
I've already told you there are only
four colleges in the whole world
Why do we have to get
a stupid green card anyway?
Reese, what are you doing here?!
he is my brother.
I thought I had 4:30.
In fact, we have a collapsible
umbrella people love.
At Grandville, the head of our physics
department just won a Nobel prize.
Your cyclotron in underfunded.
For your information,
marriage isn't just about sex.
Raduca is a delicate flower,
Mom, when Raduca found out
I took the food out of your
refrigerator, she was pretty upset.
Reese, I was against your
marriage from the beginning.
You're using reverse psychology.
Well, if you were worried about
today's activities, you can just relax.
Maybe a little.
They're probably going to bring
in some high-priced rewriter.
Why should I do his work for him?
Maybe Mom has a point.
Dad, I'm sorry.
No, you haven't.
Thanks again, Dad.
I only need bus fare to get home,
so I'm leaving you the rest.
Thanks.
borrowing our money so we
couldn't get wasted on beer,
Malcolm told me that he was very
excited about Bagley-Owens University.
Just say, "Yes, Malcolm will
be going to Bagley next fall."
What was my letter of intent to Harvard
doing in your secret money drawer?
No,no... I loved the attention.
Aired 8 years ago - Jan 06, 2016
As Sue desires to join a sorority, Frankie feels useless when Brick decides to go shopping by himself. Axl helps Mike to use social media for his project.
where he must battle with
the other boys for dominance.
Then more breasts are offered
to the proud young man.
Our family comes from the
coolest country in the world.
You shall be the rock on
which his knife is sharpened.
You will take Raduca
for your bride.
That's not the way things
work in civilized countries.
Well, Dad, this makes
it all worth it.
I have a bra on under my shirt,
and there is an underwire in my bra.
I'm required to probe
with the back of my hand.
Now, do you want to do this
the easy way or the hard way?
No, I'm canceling everything.
I'm chartering a helicopter
and getting out of...
The first one to take two
steps backwards is the victor.
Why don't you want
me to be happy?!
We know our service got a little
slack last year, but we have improved.
Once inside the sack
you will face a choice:
Just get out.
No reason.
I'm sorry!
What's the matter?
If you just didn't act like a vicious,
stupid thug all the time.
These are not my rules.
These are the ways of our people.
What?!
Oh, here we go.
Now, do I disrobe for a salt glow,
or just strip to the waist?
Mr. Saunders,
we finally meet face to face.
If you can't decide, we shall have
no choice but to sever all ties.
We'll begin shipping
the antidote at once.
I know we missed the flight,
I know I hurt his fingers,
This is the final test.
The horse turns to lead.
The apple holds the key.
I never followed your ways.
The most you can ever hope to
be now is a very butch woman.
Aired 8 years ago - Dec 09, 2015
Dreading the fact that they are always late to church and end up in the overflow room, Frankie makes the decision to have the family watch a Christmas Eve service on TV from the comfort of the Heck house. But a string of events make their evening anything but a peaceful, silent night.
Yeah. I'm calling it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, Gatorade for the wine
- since you said, "no fourth kid."
- Mm.
so you actually owe me $4.26.
I'll just say it's from me.
Yeah. It's a business term. Look it up.
We have to treat it with the same solemnity
Okay, at the next commercial break,
Come on!
Just get it over with,
I'll do your laundry.
Okay, then we will go oldest to youngest,
And, dad, you get a
super, super special one!
Okay, okay.
Sue! Brick! Get back
here and finish church!
Sue, get back! You're gonna
miss the "peace be with yous"!
and I'm not allowed to cut,
so I had to find a big box.
and I'd "ooh" and "ahh" over it,
and say how you always wanted a cat.
Did you know she hated it?
We're not taking another picture.
They have to be there!
All: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5.
They're gone! They're gone!
Sue's graduation, Axl's graduation,
Ohh! You really Sue'd this one up, Sue!
I told your dad and I told your dad
and you guys are always on
me about late library fees.
Look, you only need six
pictures in life, anyway...
Like a-a knock-off stride rite box
Relax. Nobody's dead.
Unless you're a president
or a serial killer,
and backlit my hair while I was flipping!
Ohh! The marines at Thanksgiving.
God, if we don't have computer pictures
Yes, it is.
I have got to do a better job!
My great-grandkids are not gonna
know me as young and pretty...
I can't even speak!
"The bachelor picked the wrong girl!"
Hey, uh, you want to hug me?
You know, when I'm distraught,
Aired 8 years ago - Dec 02, 2015
Frankie invites Mike to join her on a trip to Des Moines, Iowa for a convention about her dentist office's transition to a new owner; and Axl informs a disapproving Sue that he's moving into her dorm room. Meanwhile, Mike's dad agrees to watch Brick while the parents are out of town.
My niece Terri well, she prefers
Teresa, but she's a Terri.
Did you do your vocab?
I guess so.
Hi, honey.
Oh, God, I wish I could sleep.
I'm sorry, Reese.
That's incorrect.
I've been trying to get your
attention since the semester began.
-The soccer trophy?
-Behind that.
So what?
Now, I can't just
give you a "B."
Do you think hot coals would
set off the sprinkler system?
Busy, busy, busy.
That's great, Dad.
Gee, Dewey, if I'm Gina,
I don't know what's going on.
You're gonna go in the house
right now and call her.
Why don't we go out to dinner?
You just want to run away,
hide under the covers and cry.
Hello.
Thought it over.
So, yeah, I'll take your sick
little deal so you can keep your
pathetic, meaningless plaque.
Who was the victor in the disputed
presidential election of 1896.
We have a problem.
What do you mean?
Hal, I have to do something about
Claire. She is driving me crazy.
I cannot stand that woman.
I heard what you said, Lois.
Buck up, Malcolm. Only 12 more weeks,
and then I'll back off and let you pick
the course you want to tank.
Instead of pushing dust around
over there, why don't you polish
up these trophies? It's disgraceful.
While those Cro-Magnons were
chasing balls and sweating like swine,
You can do it, Son!
Jamie was fine, but I got that
horrible ringing in my ear. It was
just dreadful. Do you ever get that?
Boy, so would I.
Wow. Where did that come from?
It is a dark day
for North High,
in the pain this unfortunate incident
has caused, but rules are rules.
And I wouldn't be so quick
to gloat. I'm not defeated yet.
Oh, what happened?
You know, just yesterday, she
was sitting right here, and then...
There's no "us," Dad.
Aired 8 years ago - Nov 18, 2015
The Hecks agree to forgo Thanksgiving after Frankie finds out that she's out of a job until January and must pick up a holiday position, which requires her to work on Thanksgiving in order to make ends meet. Much to her dismay, she ends up once
again having to portray an overworked 19th century woman back at Heritage Village during the Harvest Feast and finds herself going face-to-face with Sheila (Faith Ford), a woman who definitely takes her job too seriously. Meanwhile, Sue goes back to work at Spudsy's over her holiday break in the hopes that she'll once again run into Logan - the dreamy Abercrombie guy, Axl finds himself in foreign territory when he starts becoming emotional over how his life has turned out, and Mike and Brick find themselves needing to find a bonding experience when the electricity goes out at the house and they are forced to interact with each other.
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It was what any platoon
leader would have done.
Men are like dogs: it calms them down
when they know their boundaries.
I want my money.
I've been saving all this stuff
for you for a special occasion.
Hi, honey, sorry I'm late.
Are you kidding? Today we started
After Crazy Day Sale. It was wild.
Yeah. I couldn't be happier, hon.
I have to confess, I'm a great
admirer of yours, ma'am.
You take that back.
What are you talking about?
I am. Here's 20 bucks.
Make yourself scarce.
I could only find the Japanese
version of the manual, but
I think I get the gist of it.
Jamie. See, there's a little piece of
jelly on the back of the shoe see that?
Oh! Why, God, why does
this always happen to us?
You don't have to
get all fem on me!
Don't be mad, Reese.
Oh, good, a sing-a-long.
I'm just too up to sleep.
No.
wearing swim fins and goggles.
She wants me bad.
It's hard to say.
This girl might be the
best shot you'll ever get.
It was like that time Francis
chomped down on me, only
I couldn't turn the hose on it.
God, Hal, you're the only person
I still have to believe in. I'm so
happy I can still trust you.
Oh, yes.
Oh, no, no, no, it's not that I'm not flattered,
but I'm the mother of, like, five children.
I've been married for 100 years.
I'm sure there are many women
who find you very attractive.
Just give me my money
and leave me alone.
Except my self-respect,
but it's hard to put a price on that.
Aired 9 years ago - Nov 11, 2015
Frankie is looking forward to taking part in the annual homecoming tailgate. But she begins to feel like the event will become an embarrassing disaster when her mom, Pat, decides to come out and join in the fun. Meanwhile, with Axl down with a bad
case of the stomach flu, Mike turns his attention to Brick to help him win the tailgate cornhole tournament trophy that has eluded him for so long, and Sue volunteers to be the class liaison for Homecoming at the event.
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-LESS
Hey, you know, we haven't been
to a Homecoming in forever.
Okay, you know I love my parents,
Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
Hey, you think Axl can shake
this stomach thing by Saturday?
I called my Mom for the dip recipe.
I mean, I'm not going on a cruise.
- is that so wrong?
- No.
Come on, Axl. Get your
head in the game.
I just don't get why you're
going to all this trouble.
Hey, Mike!
All hail the cornhole pro.
'Cause yesterday it took him three
tries to hit the light switch.
Who knew the road to the giant spatula
would go through that little guy?
Oh, I didn't know if you had any.
You don't always shop.
Oh, my gosh. You will never
believe what just happened.
I found out something that
is going to blow your mind.
So, I will once again be seeing Homecoming
through the eyes of a giant chicken head.
I'm fine.
I need a guarantee I am not
gonna be sick for Homecoming,
- Indian River.
- I can't remember the name of it.
I think I've made that clear.
Oh, I don't go for the game.
I go for the company.
Oh. I do love those.
The important thing is I've
gotten to spend time with you.
No lines.
Sue, sweetie, would you mind if I
go to Costco instead of Homecoming?
I'm not in high school anymore.
And none of them were doing
drugs, I can tell you that.
I'm gonna go get a veggie burger.
Okay, just ignore her.
Concentrate on the story.
I just love watching you
have fun with your friends!
Mm, Pat, I'm so obsessed
with this cake.
I could go back to the car
There's nothing wrong with
asking people to chip in.
This was a hand-me-down from
our cleaning lady at work!
but I wish you would stop
embarrassing me with your...
I told someone I like scallions. What?
All right, Dad, I'm here for you.
Let's do this.
- That's not fair.
- Life isn't fair, Brick.
I'm the one who should be playing with Dad.
I'm the athletic guy.
Not Math and English, but
the important stuff.
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 28, 2015
Each member of the Heck family finds themselves in situations reminiscent of "The Twilight Zone."
A notice for Reese to sign up for
Career Day which was last Wednesday.
He completely blew it off.
What are you going to do?
Fantastic.
Actually, the ball got stuck in
the hole in the clown's mouth.
-Really tall, kind of heavy.
-Oh, I know him.
Son, I look at this card
and all I see is shame.
Now, I know it's against
doctor's orders, but I did get
us a little something sweet.
Oh, that reminds me. Malcolm called
while you were out. It seems Robby has
burned down the neighbor's pool house.
Oh, no, Reese,
I thought you said you studied.
-You can't treat your father like that!
-Shove a cork in it, you crazy old hag!
You are getting a job
starting tomorrow!
Yeah!
But not working isn't
one of your options.
I am tired of fighting you
on this. Until you get a job,
this free ride is over.
Vicki and I are going to walk
over and get lunch at the mall.
I thought chem lab wasn't
till fifth period.
And remember, just because a person
is in a position of power, doesn't mean
you can let them intimidate you.
I remember you. Ball got stuck.
Friends who don't mind driving an extra
30 miles to the next miniature golf course,
even if it does have a crow problem.
Listen, if you want to think you got a
hole-in-one, I'll give you a scorecard.
What? Are you serious?
Or at games.
That breakfast looks pretty good.
You know, Dewey, what Reese is doing
is pointless and idiotic, but I think you
can really learn something from him.
Talk to your brother.
Yours. All you have to do to
stop this nonsense is get a job.
Okay, but if the cats start disappearing
from the neighborhood, don't blame me!
Okay, butt-wipe?
Get out of here before
I turn the hose on you.
It's a school dance,
so my being there shouldn't be an issue.
Vicki and I have this
incredible relationship.
Like me.
Well, I was going to say if you
wanted my soup you could have...
I'm just here to tell you I don't
think we should see each other anymore.
What's going on?
Just give me another chance.
I'd say yes if I thought you
could live with yourself, son.
Dad, this is ridiculous.
The ball is stuck in there now.
Bet he's at home right now sitting in his
barcalounger with a big bowl of popcorn
on his lap chuckling at us with the boobs that he...
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 21, 2015
Frankie asks Reverend TimTom to find out why Mike is being distant; and Sue invites Brick to visit her at college, but she loses him after running into the handsome Abercrombie guy. Meanwhile, Axl and Hutch complain to the city about an ant infestation.
That's where you
made your mistake.
Everyone screwing
everyone over.
Told you it was easy.
He won't send you illegal fireworks
or get your nunchucks autographed
by the emperor.
Check yes or no."
Make it three days.
You want to try for more?
You're not going to fight me
or try to weasel out of it?
My teacher expects me to get a hundred.
Everyone expects me to get a hundred.
Before I knew it she was telling
me to take the car and go and
have fun with my friends.
Six boxes of cereal, two gallons of
milk, eight peanut butter and jelly
sandwiches, adult diapers and Madlibs.
It's the same way NASA designed
the old space capsules.
Wow, this vulnerability crap is
more effective than I thought.
It's about time, butt-munch.
Okay, maybe it's not that
crazy when you think about it.
I am going to move very casually
toward the back door and draw
his attention over there.
You are not trying to
manipulate a guy here, Malcolm.
But if you want to pull this off,
getting the car two nights in a row,
you have to be very, very good.
And pretty scrawny.
It was amazing.
We've never really talked like that.
Did you get the car?
-Does that sound awful?
-No, no. I know exactly
what you're talking about.
Well, it's not something
I really talk about. I can't
believe I'm even telling you.
Jessica?
Wow, Malcolm, that's really...
Oh, good, you do
know what I mean.
Malcolm, my dad's in jail,
and I live on a couch.
Save the girl talk
for your mom.
He thinks he's on his way to
China, and you've just been
torturing him in that box?!
And then, when it does,
it's wonderful.
-Can you turn off the smoke now?
-In a minute.
I told her everything.
Wait. Wait, Mike. Mike?
Wait, can you do
me a favor first?
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 14, 2015
Mike surprises Frankie when he wants to be involved in his brother's crazy business scheme; Axl goes to extreme measures to prove he can handle Mike's new motorcycle; and Sue begins living in her car to avoid her horrible roommate.
Every year after that, Halloween's just
another trip to the police station.
Oh, it's, uh, it's time
Jamie had a night light.
You've got to keep your immune
system in shape, Malcolm.
Of course not.
So, one day, out of nowhere,
he comes home from work
and murders his entire family.
Malcolm, is there any place in
this house where bloody pieces
of dismembered bodies weren't found?
So, Craig, I understand the bandana and
the eye patch, but why would a pirate
have blood dripping out of his mouth?
Craig, he committed a crime.
We have a certain procedure
we follow when we catch a
shoplifter, because that's the law.
Now, listen, Jamie, candy is full
of sugar, and it's terrible for you.
Oh, an axe in the head?
You think that's funny?
Dad, are you gonna be
okay handing out candy?
Dad, I know the murders were sick and
creepy, but they happened 20 years ago.
Do you mean do I believe in dead people
floating around, saying, "Ooooh!"
You, yourself, told me that string
theory says there are 11 different
dimensions occupying the same space.
All of which points to one stubborn,
undeniable fact... that we are living
in a known portal for evil.
Low priority?!
Instead of spending it with
my adorable little two-year-old
son, I spend it with you!
-Aren't you on the clock?
-But it's a party.
Fine! Why am I the only sap?
You think you've got some place
more fun that this? Go if you want.
Here you go.
There you go.
They know what we're here for...
just pay up, so we can go.
If you boys got him involved
in anything bad, I will...
You know, this one time, I accidentally
accepted a Canadian quarter,
Who is that guy?
Ha! That sucker! Do you know
how much he paid for that house?
We are lambs for
your slaughter.
Aired 9 years ago - Oct 07, 2015
Frankie is shocked when Mike trades in his flannel for a Hawaiian shirt; and Sue accidentally tells Devin that Axl loves her, leading Devin to question their relationship. Meanwhile, Brick gets overambitious while cleaning the bathroom.
Relax, honey. Kids go at their own pace.
Stevie's been accepted as
a research subject at the
Norvet Biomedical Institute.
This Christmas might just
be our first ski vacation.
He's hit me plenty of times.
Like I'd taste a difference.
I want you to think about that
for a few days. Picture it.
That means Mommy's going to
narrate everything she's doing
And discover that the bathroom
is a swampy, hairy mess,
Dewey! Get out here right now.
Well, you didn't get rid of the
ones hidden in the crawlspace.
The only way I could do it
without freaking out was
knowing they were there.
We'll do it together.
You and me, Dewey.
We'll be a team.
Sorry.
You should have seen it.
Hey, I get Africa.
Little jiggly-wiggly,
little wabbal-abbal-abbal-abbal...
You completely humor your dad with all
his idiotic plans for you to walk, no matter
how pointless and stupid it is to try.
And so I spend all this time every morning
on my hair, trying to get it just so,
although I know no one else notices.
Well, if you got me the nicotine
gum like I asked, then...
Hacking cough, dark circles under
the eyes, yellowing fingers.
I'm getting straight A's,
I'm running the food drive,
shoving these things down my
shirt and feeling like such an
awkward, ugly, little girl.
with her tangerine nail polish, which I was
dying to try, but of course she wouldn't let
me because I had drugstore shoes.
I'm so disappointed
in you, son.
I French-kissed your mother this morning
just to lick the coffee off her teeth.
Hal, what are you doing?
Cheerleading tryouts.
I smiled real big, and I went out
there and I started my routine.
It's disgusting.
See? Nothing.
Oh. Listen, I'm sorry I snapped
at you. I was just agitated,
but I'm feeling better now.
she wouldn't have to stuff my bra if
I wasn't too lazy to grow them myself.
This wasn't about
vanity, Jamie.
Aired 9 years ago - Sep 30, 2015
Anxiously awaiting the arrival of her dorm roommate, Sue drives Frankie and Mike crazy with multiple calls and texts. When the roommate shows up Sue thinks she'll make a life- long friend and all her worries will be gone. Axl and Hutch find their house overrun by ants. Brick gets his own personal bodyguard at school.
Allergies?
What did his poop look
like this morning?
They can deliver a benefits
package that's quite substantial.
I just want to thank Hattie
for organizing this meeting.
And I strongly feel that on that
basis alone, he should be trusted.
to shy away from a fight, but I suggest
that instead of starting a union,
I have never felt we needed a union,
but when I think about what this place
has done to some of us,
It's so complicated.
Oh, uh, they were all bent out of
shape so I sent them out to that
guy who fixes them.
Why won't you look
me in the eye?
I'm not homophobic.
I've been teasing the for
months to keep them angry.
Nobody is dying in this family until
the start of business Monday morning!
We did a little investigating.
Sure.
Yes, sir. Lois almost caught me, but
I can assure you our secret is safe.
Craig, I heard you talking
about a list of names.
-He's a misguided, weak,
pathetic individual who...
-It's Craig!
Remember the day everybody started
calling Booger Boy "Booger Boy" and
he didn't do anything about it?
But I think the rest of you
is facing the wrong way.
-By the way, what did Cochran
give you to cover for me?
-What?
What are you talking about?
I'm so sorry.
Mom, it's an emergency. You've go to
home quick. Something horrible happened.
See? Better than you.
Of course it is.
Your mother will never forgive me.
Whoa. I didn't think Dad would
get this pathetic 'till we locked
him in a nursing home.
-Honey there's something you should know.
-Nine minutes and 23 seconds. I win.
This is just a game?!
With rage!
Aired 9 years ago - Sep 23, 2015
Sue's excitement about moving into the dorm to start college is tempered when she accidentally burns her hair and must cut it short. Axl isn't interested in helping with Sue's move. Frankie discovers she's not sad about Sue moving out of the house
while Mike overwhelms Sue with financial and safety guidelines. Brick is clueless when Cindy tells him she wants to take their relationship to the next level.
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And the two-thirds-scale
fold-down pool table?
-Yeah, but I really think Jamie...
-Dewey, what is the rule?
I know what you're thinking. The road
runners are too smart to catch and eat.
I'm gonna do art, too.
We'll need about 40 rocks,
at least the size of bowling balls.
-Excuse-me.
-Whoa! Ow! Ow! Damn it!
And I'm not interested in the uggos
or blimps, if you know what I'm saying.
Oh, Stanley was a buddy of mine.
And you're allowed to do that?
Well, I guess if you really felt you had to.
Building a community that
needs you, relies on you.
Son, look, we might be in the desert,
but we are still civilized people,
Hal, this place is so great!
Oh, you will love her.
I think I just need some disinfectant
and a band-aid and I'll be...
You have an incredible amount
of passion in your soul.
what's the point of just
exporting them there?
First I'd say...
Just make a left at the guy in
the phone booth full of Jell-O.
I always thought art was just stupid paintings
of old dead guys in drag, but I was wrong.
Armor-Alling the tires for six hours,
or scraping the dead bugs out of
the grill with a toothbrush?
I thought we could go check
out the Circle of Infinity...
You go do your re-birthing whatevers,
and we'll get together later.
You know, I have a lot to do today
and I think you should probably go.
This piece is as vicious as it is funny.
I'm with you, Malcolm.
nothing closed-minded about shunning ideas
that make you scared and uncomfortable.
You and I we're gonna be in
here together, safe and sound.
I can't think of anyone who has
embraced and embodied the spirit
of the festival more than you have.
So it's a little weird.
What's it for? It's to set him on fire.
Look, it's cool if you don't want to...
It's amazing, I actually
feel like I've been reborn.