Aired 12 years ago - May 23, 2012
The Hecks are pleased to learn that Mike's brother, Rusty is getting married. However, the joy is short-lived, when they discover that the wedding is to be held at their house. Meanwhile, Brick cannot attend a party that same day, due to the nuptials.
Who-- who was I talking
to about it, then?
Once old junkyard Joe kicks it
under a pile of newspapers,
- Well...
- Oh, you did not.
See?
Don't worry, mom.
which I have already
RSVP'd "yes."
The man lived in a
tent for two years.
Look, I don't like this, either, but
you, of all people, should get this.
we've recently begun
services in your area.
I'll give you $100
to remove that stump.
Oh, yeah.
But there's gonna
be a bookmobile.
"Farewell" has been a lot of people's
last word, but it will not be mine.
That's a hundred
eyes judging us.
Axl!
has been out for five years,
so go buy me a new light bulb.
I don't know, Sue!
D'oh!
for Rusty's bachelor party...
While I was in the kitchen,
Yeah.
Oh.
Another guy did it.
Look, Rusty... having teenagers--
It's a lot to take on.
Well, I've decided on my last word,
and that word is... "Pusillanimous."
'Cause I've been a dad for 17
years, and he's been one for what?
Did you plant any
doubt in his mind?
I mean, I look around,
and it's just... scary.
on the kitchen table, like Goldie Hawn,"
and you try it, and you know what?
I know.
Well, not much of
a world, are you?
David Tutera of "My Fair
Wedding" does this all the time.
Figure it out.
So the big day had arrived, and
things were finally under control.
On any other day, I'm sure she
would find this hilarious, but
He'd figure it out.
the college community!
With less than an hour till
the wedding, all that was left
because you do not
want the last word.
Picked flowers-- Decorated
ourselves-- Figured it out!
Damn it, Brick, I don't
have time for this!
Aah!
Dearly beloved, we are
gathered here in the presence
Ditto.
Aired 12 years ago - May 16, 2012
Frankie gets Brick to snitch on his siblings, but Mike disapproves of the tattling. Meanwhile, Sue threatens to get Axl in trouble if he doesn't obey her commands; and Mike reluctantly goes to Brick's school for Parent Day.
You know,
the Indy 500 is coming up.
The Indy 500.
Axl? Can I ask you a favor?
Now go sell Fish-Face
a car."
Fine. Get me some chips.
Axl!
they'd have put
another "S" in there.
Hey, mom?
So wait a minute--
Brick is a snitch?
and there's more of 'em. We need
every advantage we can get.
God. You're even a dork
when your life is threatened.
Apparently, he's been doing
mom's dirty work for years.
If you guys want
to go back there,
Okay, Axl. You can pick us up
right here after the show.
That... was... amazing.
The show is at 3:45, so we
should probably leave by 3:00.
Just when I'd reconciled myself
to losing my job,
Mr. Ehlert, by any chance,
did you promise customers
and tell people
we don't have an Indy car.
I give it to the bullies
at school--they leave me alone.
But mom says telling on people
is a good thing.
and mom's telling me
to do another.
Hey, it's not like I'm out
I'm not paying you
to yap on the phone, chatty.
You know, I'd let you
stay here alone, but I'm afraid
Oh, g--
No way!
I can't take it anymore!
but I just don't think mom
and dad will see it that way.
What? No, no, no.
You have to be up front.
you gotta make a beeline
for those sign-up sheets
Did you find one?
Mike? Mike? Mike?!
Thank you. Did you hear that?
Room mom's not worried at all.
I want to thank you all
for coming tonight.
where you cut in front
of that kid and made him cry
nor do you own or know how to
use tools. Are you getting this?
I said "lake," as in
the lake you won't be going to.
I realize that
by violating curfew
Aired 12 years ago - May 09, 2012
Misfortune plagues Brick after he finds a four-leaf clover; Frankie seeks a caregiver for her aunt; Axl struggles with a prom-date dilemma and is also dismayed to learn that Sue is Darrin's prom date.
You'll never get a man
if you can't cook.
all you have to do
is push my face.
I'll just hoist it
up on the truck there,
See, Brick? You put down
the books for a second--
Doctor? What are you
gonna call a doctor for?
and you're still here,
aren't you?
You didn't do that great a job.
what happens if the head buries.
Head buries.
No, Darrin. I don't know.
Just push the red button.
If not, she may have to
move in here.
What's happening to me?
This clover is evil.
How lucky are you
that I saw it?
Measuring cup. Eh? You're welcome.
What is your problem?
we could end up getting married,
and then I would be Mrs. Sue...
You know, you should
really be nice to me,
Well, the ad said
I'd have my own room.
The older, the better, I say.
Wow.
So many good applicants.
Sorry, Axl. I can't
go to prom with you anymore.
Now I just gotta find Emily,
I've been working on her
for a long time.
Everyone's got a date but me.
There's always girls
crying in the bathroom.
Oh, I consider it a privilege.
And they won't be around
forever, right?
Actually, I do have one.
I think you did. Um...
Oh, yes, I was definitely gonna
want to go over ground rules.
Let it ring.
to the kids at the library,
Grandma Dot?
I was looking after my sister,
but recently she passed away.
so I can just figure this out?
And where the hell
are all the spoons?
Fine by me.
♪ tonight is the night,
is the night ♪
Oh. The gym looks so magical.
Hey. I heard you got
dumped by Weird Ashley.
a hottie such as yourself
deserves to be cherished.
Hi, Grandpa Big Mike.
Dad says I'm supposed
Aw, it's not for me to say.
They're your kids.
Aired 12 years ago - May 02, 2012
Sue finds a kindred spirit in her awkward school guidance counselor, Jane Marsh (Whoopi Goldberg), who inspires her to reinvent herself. Meanwhile, Frankie is ecstatic when she and Mike buy a much needed new bed but is gobsmacked when her stubborn
husband insists on assembling it himself; and Brick attempts to call the President to outlaw the Presidential Fitness Challenge, which would force him to accomplish some strenuous physical exercises at school.
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My name is Sue Heck,
We have a guidance counselor?
Uh-huh.
Jane Marsh.
Guidance counselor.
It's just...
but then the season ended,
but it got me this boyfriend,
Let me tell you something, Sue.
Me, too!
- Yeah.
- Yes!
That, my friend,
is totally up to you.
He's up and down all night
to pee,
He doesn't like change.
Would you like
the extended warranty?
to the Department of Alcohol,
Tobacco, and Firearms.
So you want
to be made fun of more?
Really? Thanks, Axl.
I'll give you some guidance.
It's a phase.
but Suki is right-handed...
that happen to her
throughout the day, mm-hmm,
the power
to demand push-ups.
And then I decided to take
a tip from Suki,
There are friendly
customer representatives
Okay.
I'm asking for help now.
I'm dialing.
I'm doing it.
but I got this money
from my Aunt Ginny,
It's all physics.
Here. Watch and learn.
It's free 'cause I just got out
of it to come talk to you.
that from now on,
you can call me "Suki."
I wrote right-handed,
You're, like, this
big-time guidance counselor.
and if there's a visitor,
'Cause, you know,
I always thought so,
Ready? Yeah.
You don't love it.
Your head's in a box.
Well, I'm sorry for trying
to improve our lives
Because you're never
satisfied...
This. "I have to have
a sanctuary."
Well, at least I'm trying,
and do I get any support? No.
and now that the box was open,
Aired 12 years ago - Apr 11, 2012
Frankie is inspired by the pastor's sermon at the new church the family is attending. She decides to make it her mission that every family member completes their life's destiny before they die. As Mike, Sue, Brick and Axl come up with ideas as to their destiny, Frankie has a hard time figuring out what exactly she should be doing.
brother Darnell Simms,
passed away yesterday.
at the end of his far,
far too short 96 years,
said, "I did not
get my business done."
- Inspiration!
- Yes!
"I got my business done."
- Oh, get your business done.
- My God.
Pregame? I haven't seen pregame
on a Sunday in 20 years.
No, seriously, Mike.
It's just...
I'm not a leper.
Why would God give me
so much passion and energy,
Huh? Do you?
Really? Oh. So. Hmm.
I'm here to babySuet
your son Tyler.
Oh. Is that Tyler's brother?
or he will freak out.
They're his "space pants."
- Ready?
- Okay.
Whoa. You know you are not
allowed to watch that stuff.
Well, that's the thing.
Oh. My ortho says I have to wear
this at least ten hours a night.
Thanks. Can I get a boost?
and think, "Wow,
I had a shot at doing
Fine, but then can I
go back to my box?
All right, dude,
what are you doing?!
But I guess I should.
maybe my business should be
other people's business.
Why are we still building
separate orphanages, pounds,
Then I gotta get bids
from contractors
Thanks, but I'd like
to see the fifth grade.
Should I go get it?
I should go get it.
Calm down.
Calm down. Calm down.
I need dog thermometers.
Do they even make those?
Aired 12 years ago - Mar 14, 2012
Brick takes a job delivering newspapers, in order to save up enough money to buy night vision goggles. Meanwhile, Axl tries to convince Sue that a long-distance relationship with Matt won't work. Elsewhere, Frankie discovers that Mike has been hoarding batteries.
Oh, honey.
And this isn't
even the worst thing.
and plus, my lip is bleeding.
You're looking at the new
paperboy at the "Orson herald."
the same sense of responsibility
I always do.
People are depending on you...
Actual people, not just us.
and we decided
our love cannot be killed.
Matt's just the first of many
guys who are gonna "move away."
Not me. I mostly went to school today.
Oh, I wish. I'd say
I'm roughly two-thirds done.
You call that a pickoff move?
See? I knew it'd go faster
if we both did it. Mm.
Hey, the Duncans didn't pick up
their paper from yesterday.
Say something
when we needed batteries.
Exactly.
I know how this place works.
No, I need to
tell you something.
That is so not cool.
Brrr! Ugh!
She's going around telling
people that she and Matt.
Mm! Look, mom and dad should be
the ones talking to you,
like, 50 things
I could say on the subject,
And never once stop to think
how it would affect me.
and even that
doesn't always work.
And the things
I have are good...
- Do we have to?
- It's faster without him.
Who's showing him around.
I knew you'd look for 'em,
which is why I moved 'em.
Why are you
so upset about this?
What are you talking about?
That frosting's for anybody.
I'm okay with that.
Sue, what do you think?
They say love is blind...
That way, Matt and I
can double-date.
So I've got a draw
full of batteries.
Sorry if I don't say it enough,
but thank you for not cheating.
How was I supposed to know
it was gonna rain?
Yeah, it's, uh, really urgent
they read about...
and you'll never guess who.
Ohh. You're the folks
whose kid is quitting the route.
So you're raising a quitter?
And being responsible's why you
let him quit after four days?
And let me guess.
You encouraged him anyway?
Here's 10. Keep the change.
We're all getting worked up.
with their ithings
and their sketch phones.
No one's gonna honor Jasper,
Eh. Keep your batteries.
Aired 12 years ago - Feb 29, 2012
Sue wishes for a big birthday bash for her Leap Year birthday. Meanwhile, Frankie learns that Mike has been taking care of a stray cat, Brick develops a crush at school, and Axl becomes fascinated with vacuuming.
Hey, brick.
A girl? Really?
What's her issue?
Maybe he couldn't take it
any more and finally left.
I told you, I had some stuff
to do at work. Go back to sleep.
If it's no big deal,
why can't you tell me?
He's not my cat. It's...
Just a cat that comes by.
So how long have you had
your pet cat limestone?
And that would be boring.
Were you gonna say
"good night," Mike?
Hayley, did you know
that "lego" comes.
Ow!
hey!
What friends
you want to have over.
We're just gonna have
a regular dinner on my birthday,
I don't know the men
in this house at all.
Maybe they'll let us
lock up the school ourselves.
Zack's on board.
I've changed my mind
about my rocks.
Then we're good.
Chinese, huh?
Can he sleep in my room?
Felt him sort of shudder,
and I looked in his eyes,
Mm. There's nothing
to talk about. I'm fine.
So the next few days,
Mike continued to not be sad.
Help you process this.
Well, I would like to give you
a hug. Can I give you a hug?
Well...
I can't tell you much,
This is so exciting!
The cat, my barber...
everything I care about, gone.
Frankie...
I guess.
Hey! Where are you going?!
Yeah! Bite me!
The pretty ones usually
have it all together.
Mike. Mike. Wake up.
Sue. Sue, wake up.
wait. Where's Axl and brick?
Come on.
Just get up and act happy.
Aired 12 years ago - Feb 22, 2012
The kids have a meeting with Frankie and Mike about their parenting techniques, and they are thrown for a loop, when their parents attempt to change.
When I was a kid, your mom
wrote something on your arm,
- I don't care!
- Go... to... bed!
about the way things have been
going around here lately.
Go on.
It's true. You live to nag.
You're a nag-oholic.
these crazy punishments without
even hearing our side of things.
quote, "no more friends over
for 20 years," end quote.
We feel like if you guys
just give us a chance
Look, we've put a lot
of thought into this.
- Mm. Yeah.
- Mm.
is for us to let them be
more responsible, right?
to show us that you can
be more responsible.
Uh, mom? You're kind of
nagging us right now.
It is not.
One, two, three, four.
We should really consider
getting our own apartment.
you're gonna blow
this sweet deal for everybody.
Well, how many pages
do you have left?
So what do we do?
- Sue!
- Oh, I'm sorry!
Wait. I remember!
I left my coat in my locker!
Mm. Me, too.
Why did we have them, again?
Okay, they're back at the ranch,
and Lennie is on the bed.
It's working.
He's calming down.
you guys look like
you're about our age,
I don't remember
seeing your coat,
Isn't this the season where
you play with the round ball?
Uh-huh.
Now Curley's organizing a mob,
and they're going after him.
He says they're going to live
on a farm and raise the rabbits.
Why would he kill
his best friend?
if you didn't have
your nose in a stupid book!
Aired 12 years ago - Feb 15, 2012
Frankie pulls out all of the stops in an effort to get an over-excited Sue tickets to a Justin Bieber concert, Mike is thrilled over Brick's enthusiasm to win the school's spelling bee and coaches him for the event, and Axl and his friends attempt to break a road sign's 15-mile-per-hour speed limit - on foot.
Come on. You're gonna have
to deal with distractions.
Ooh, air supply's coming
to the Indian casino.
You gotta have a dance for
when you get a word right.
Ooh, I'm in. Two tickets, upper level...
Is that supposed to be "zebra"?
You sure you're not getting a divorce?
No!
We should be faster than this.
Radio station... Selling... 200...
Oh, please.
I don't care what Axl says.
and I begged and begged
her until she said, "Yes,"
Hells, yeah.
"Banana." B-a-n-a-n-a.
"Banana."
What do you mean, "out"? How out?
Then I overthought it and
made both parts the opposite.
Take a day off, and we'll
start training for next year.
He's showing appropriate emotional
response to the situation!
Okay. We are roughly 174th in line.
I mean, you're so busy.
I was cool, but you know, this is
the kind of stuff you gotta do
If people start cutting, we
are gonna miss our window.
You're stealing our place in
line, you're stealing our tickets,
What? Mom? That is, like, 20 girls.
Wait, w-w-wait. W-what?
Unh-unh. That's the thing the
bad kid says in the drug movies
Come on, ax-man! Yeah!
You're not actually illegal
till you hit 16 miles per hour.
Oh, yeah?
Hey, Karen? Hi.
Ma'am, we've had some complaints
about people cutting in line.
Stay there.
He'd shake it off and come
back and play the next day,
Think of it as fuel.
Uh... I pledge allegiance to the
flag of the United States of America,
And... Lead us not into temptation...
but for your own
safety, back up a little.
Aired 12 years ago - Feb 08, 2012
Frankie and Mike decide to try a fresh approach to Valentine's Day by having dinner out with friends. But a clueless Mike angers Frankie by refusing to present her with a simple romantic gesture. Meanwhile, Axl can't think of a life-changing moment
that's occurred in his life when he's assigned to write a school paper on the subject, Brick is tasked with writing a report on love, and a hapless Sue doesn't understand why her new boyfriend has suddenly turned into a bad kisser.
MORE
-LESS
I could smack the mom
that started that tradition.
You know, Valentine's
would be a lot more fun
I helped deliver my baby sister
at the carpet store,
- Well-- - I can't help
but feel bad for him.
on how to tell your boyfriend
he's a bad kisser.
Sue, I'd prefer not
to yell like mom does,
this pamphlet
I found on kissing?"
Oh, hey. New plan. We're going
out for Valentine's Day.
He didn't help me
take the tree out.
I thought
this girl was really hot,
asking myself,
'am I hot or not hot?'
'Cause nothing in my life
has happened-- Nothing!
That e-mail grandma forwarded me
about that wild pony...
You got nothin'.
Mrs. Johnson's
sixth-period English.
it'd be live, love, laugh.
One day.
Lucky he landed on Darrin,
who tried it before him,
by the stupid things
teenage boys do.
I mean, you know,
I did some bonehead things
No, we're good.
I'm going to do
some other things right now
Sue, wait.
Garlic is the best.
Oh, my God.
He did it again.
Here's the thing.
He is doing it on purpose.
Oh, come on, Sue.
There are two girls
Oh, yeah, it's a joke,
a very famous joke.
and while they're sitting there
twirling their pretty roses,
You said so yourself.
The whole thing's a scam.
but there is
a small ray of hope.
You are not doing this
for your school project.
It was Valentine's Day, Mike.
Valentine's Day.
- I cannot believe you said that. - The
arguing, the tension, so life-changing.
See? Right there. That is
why I hate Valentine's Day!
I'm an American girl,
so I just want to kiss American.
but I didn't tell you,
Aired 12 years ago - Jan 18, 2012
With Indiana hosting the Super Bowl, Frankie is devastated when she hopes to land a plum assignment as an official volunteer and ends up with a less-than-stellar position. Meanwhile, the entire Heck household takes advantage of the Donahue's new car
while they are out of town, and a scary, close call with the car causes Sue to profess her true feelings to her new boyfriend, Matt.
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Why would we ever park
all the way down in French Lick?
Hold onto your panties
for this sick jam!
I thought the eyes of the world
are gonna be on ya.
You should see the guy
who's escorting the VIPs.
and putting it
in our garage for us?
New car?
It figures they got a new car,
We don't have anything nice,
and after a leaky roof
- Sure.
- Calculating route.
Wait. I.P.D.E.
No, it was really good ham,
but isn't it kinda scary
Well, I have faced death,
and I now have the courage to do
Coach says
I gotta sweat out 2 pounds,
See, my own car reeked
of old milk and stale fries,
Me in French Lick is not
your best foot.
and get back to you
with a stadium assignment.
I'm gonna be
a stadium hospitality liaison.
Okay, wait.
Oh, my God.
This is crazy. Look at us.
Fudge heals all wounds.
It's nice.
but you and Matt were
only together
♪ everyone knows an ant ♪
- Hi, Frankie. It's Nancy.
- ♪ Things are getting rough ♪
Such a bummer.
We do get nice things,
but as soon as we do,
Here's the deal, Matt.
We stole a car,
and scrape the goo off
the back window!
Open the door!
Gravy.
but doesn't it seem
a little fake,
People do meth.
That's all I'm saying.
Hi, guys. What brings you all by?
Aired 12 years ago - Jan 11, 2012
Aunty Ginny's funeral is the catalyst for Frankie's vow to begin celebrating all of the family's major life achievements. Axl mistakenly eats Brick's school map project and Sue finds out that a boy on the wrestling team has a crush on her.
you're not supposed to cook.
but we're grateful
because she lived a long life
and you don't even know
who Patton is?
The point is,
she was a nice lady
Oh, that's so great.
I know it's been a tough week.
Ginny! Want me
to make you a sandwich?!
Well, I hoped you saved
a little for her.
I mean, I am so wiped out.
I can't even look at all--
Damn it, Axl.
You ate your brother's project?
If she had Axl,
she'd probably buy it.
Sorry. My aunt died.
I told you, I wasn't really
watching. Mom did it.
Well, I'm glad you're here,
because I have to tell you that
Who's Matt?
a girl could ever have.
It only goes to 450.
mom makes a lot of things
harder than they need to be.
and I'm not proud of this,
but the last time,
"Kind, responsible caregiver
wanted to share lovely home"
we dump the dirty bowls
in the sink
Oh, Sue, you know,
I don't think
Dad, there's really
only one way to take this.
That doesn't make any sense.
Me, mom. "Me" as in "Sue."
You know, Sue,
just because a boy likes you
Or even the second one.
Wow. I sort of felt a tingle
when you said that.
I can't turn this in!
Is this what
you're looking for?
that means she was 100.
There's no way she was 100.
or send her picture
to Willard Scott?
You can't beat yourself up
about this.
then when you miss it,
you're never disappointed.
Ended up doing the laundry.
There were meal choices, Mike.
every single episode
of "Celebrity Rehab."
I'm going.
No way. We love pancakes.
Okay. Stay with me.
Brilliant idea forming.
Oh.
Okay. Excellent.
Well, first of all, thank you.
So do we have to write
the date on it or anything?
Are you kidding me?!
Are you freakin' kidding me?!
Aired 12 years ago - Jan 04, 2012
After realizing that no one keeps their New Year's resolutions, Frankie decides that they will be assigned anonymously to each family member, and an all-you-can-eat buffet feast will be the reward for those who can abide by their chosen resolution
for a week. But chaos soon ensues when Frankie must spend more time with Brick, Mike needs to smile more, Axl has to keep his bedroom clean, Sue needs to stop trying out for things she'll never make, and Brick must stop reading all of the time.
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Big, giant, scowling,
scary man -- not so much.
Oh, this is great.
You know, when I had axl,
I didn't even work that whole
I've always considered that
one of his better qualities.
No.
Guess what?
Go ahead, Mr. heck.
I'm in detox.
You want to come help
me put down some traps?
It's irritating.
Oh, my God.
why would pin rhyme with win?
Oh.
No uniforms, no budget.
Oh.
If I had turned it in, I
would have gotten an "a."
You got a "b."
tomorrow by 6:00 P.M., and I know
what it's like to wait by the phone.
All right, mom.
I mean, come on.
I've never been on the other side
before it's like, Mary has a super
Congratulations.
So we're gonna practice now?
We are gellin'.
I was waiting for the
right time to tell you.
If I could do this, it could
be a turning point in my life.
A point a year seems fair,
so you're down to 94.
I can almost guarantee it.
Uh, t-h-e... y...
Uh...
The chair took up two hours, and
things just got better from there.
Did you know you have the coolest job?
No, I'm comfortable here.
the Orson high wrestlerettes need to
bring it, bui I can't bring it alone.
I really thought axl would be around.
Once we stopped picking our own
new year's resolutions, our
Got an "a" in fifth grade English.
T-h-e-r-e.
She's a grandmother, and she has a dog,
and she likes tuna fish without mayo.
It was the best, Mike -- the best.
reason he rolls up his pyjama
bottoms is 'cause he's worried
You forgot brick.
I told you to watch out for cops.
and then I left him, and now
he's alone, and he could be
Aired 13 years ago - Dec 07, 2011
On a tipsy whim - and against Mike's wishes - Frankie decides to throw a Christmas Eve party at the house; Mike buys Frankie a much needed new dishwasher for Christmas, but has a hard time keeping it a secret when she begs him to replace the old one
before the party; Sue calls on Reverend TimTom to explain the meaning of Christmas to Brick when he reads the Bible and begins to question it; and Axl gets annoyed with Bob when he tries too hard to be cool in order to befriend him while working together on a Christmas tree lot.
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The stores jack up
the prices this time of year.
Remember when you got mom
that spoon rest that said
and that's when she'll see it.
When's the right time?
Well, how can you be so sure?
spreading joy and happiness
wherever he goes,
♪ and happy, happy birthday,
baby Jesus ♪
She's gonna love it, right?
Wait. Uh, do you like the bow?
before the party.
You can do that, right?
There was a fire escape sign
that piqued my interest
What it really needs is
a dishwasher, and guess what?
Mike was worried that
all the lying was gonna
but, uh that's why I had
the sales guy George,
What, are you running
around in somebody's truck
Look, Frankie.
♪ I learned to play guitar
and sing on ice skates ♪
You need to talk to Brick
about the Bible again.
Okay, so Jesus says,
"if you have faith
why didn't he make
everybody nice?
But believability? Eh.
And then my mom kicked me
out of the house
Hell, yeahs.
Sorry, sue.
I did all I could.
I was glad I did.
Even the hole looked festive.
Oh, my God.
That's totally him.
I'm gonna have to put
a bell on you.
Uh...
I am sharing a hot plate
with Patrick Standingbear,
You've got this career going.
You've been to Disney World,
and I can't even get
a dishwasher.
Hey, this year
I want the orange tic tacs.
♪ Nothing ♪
I guess once your husband rolls
out a new dishwasher
Mwah, Mwah, Mwah, Mwah.
You know, I may not be
great at giving gifts,
but as it turns out, nothing
in our house is standard.
God would be out of a job.
Aired 13 years ago - Nov 23, 2011
Frankie's parents, Pat and Tag, invite the Hecks to spend a few days at their house to celebrate Thanksgiving together. But the festivities begin to fall apart quickly when Frankie's sister, Janet, and her family also join in, and soon the siblings
are at each other's throats over their widely differing parenting techniques. Meanwhile, Mike tries to offer some advice to Axl on how to pick up girls when he witnesses his son trying to impress a pretty mini-mart cashier - and fails miserably; Brick attempts to prove his innocence when he is accused by Janet of damaging her daughter's expensive toy; and Sue is stoked when Frankie, Pat and Janet invite her to take part in their gossip sessions.
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Mike's been dreaming about
your famous sweet potatoes.
You never finished
telling us that story
Yes, again.
Yeah, we got the e-mail.
Why can't you play with her?
This one here--
This is for my foot fungus,
till you're blue in the face.
That tv ain't coming on.
Can someone run out and get
a different colored marshmallow?
Fine.
I, uh, like to chew it
while I play football.
I'm, uh...
Axl, by the way.
Hey, I think I laid
some nice groundwork.
Mom, look at me.
Hey, you know what?
And by the way,
why the hell isn't Gary out here
I hope you never have to
go through anything like that
- and you were still playing with him.
- I was not!
Kids-- What are you
gonna do, right?
What do you think?
and she knows we couldn't
even afford to fix our roof.
so I'm gonna need someone
to run to the store.
That was when he was 5.
He's 10 now. He's fine.
So do you gotta wear
those catholic girl uniforms
Just don't leave town.
There was a definite tone.
Oh. We were just discussing
how to prepare the corn.
Well, why can't you do it?
you should have come
to the old tag-eroo.
Classic candy. 'Couse my wife
won't let me eat 'em anymore.
I haven't been getting much
sleep down here in my bedroom.
Oh, really?
She doesn't sleep well?
and you love it
because you're a martyr.
Maybe I'll even make my bed.
Your kids are almost grown up.
How hard could that be?
So maybe you should get
two different flags to hold up
that plastic hot dog you lost
from my picnic set when I was 6!
Aired 13 years ago - Nov 16, 2011
Frankie is thrilled when she learns that the Orson Community Theater is putting on a production of "The Wizard of Oz," and that kids don't need to audition to be munchkins, as they will be automatically cast - which is a perfect scenario for a
hapless Sue. But things quickly go awry when Frankie is cast in a singing role and learns the director is not happy with Sue's performance and may cut her from the play. Meanwhile, Brick asks his unreliably quirky Uncle Rusty to attend his school's Special Friends Day - with disastrous results.
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I heard today that
the Orson Community Theater
Everybody?
♪ wake up,
the wicked witch is dead ♪
if the play was our thing.
I realized I never do anything
just for the joy of it,
I'm sorry to have
to tell you this.
This is a day
of inde... pendence
No. No, I don't understand.
She never makes anything.
Listen, gene talked to me
last night,
Ohh.
I'm really sorry, honey.
No, we're not.
Well, quitting is certainly
something that I could do,
to quit in the morning, I will.
It was settled then.
I was just gonna have to quit.
The people there
are so nice to me,
Wow. Must have really hated it
to give up cheetos.
She'll bounce back.
Well, who has
a wedding on a weekend?
Thought you could use a snack.
so we went shopping
all over town
Well, yeah, but she looked
so beautiful in it.
No, no, no, no, no.
I was happy because she--
So I stayed in the play
and just...
so how does this work?
What, do they, uh,
Oh! Look at that.
saying he's gonna take
a small child.
No.
There you go.
Now give it a little gas.
I'm driving!
Uncle Rusty took me out
of school, and we ate ribs,
You wanna rephrase that?
Sure, until the next thing
comes along that you miss.
Yeah.
You're so good, and I'm so bad.
I'm so, so bad, and I'm weak!
that was my thing,
Aired 13 years ago - Nov 02, 2011
Frankie and Mike are convinced that slacker son Axl will blow his interview with a football scout, which could earn him a scholarship to college. Meanwhile, Sue and Brick begin a texting marathon - and rack up some serious charges - when they
discover that Aunt Edie accidentally gave them her cell phone; and Frankie tries to be completely attentive to the family's needs when she realizes that she's more considerate to outsiders than her own kin.
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money's tight.
Ooh. Jesus lighter.
I think something to do
with music, but I don't know.
but we will certainly
keep Bill Brodis in mind.
I was reading in mom's bathroom
when I overheard her say
Sometimes the library
has limited hours
Okay.
Should have called the number
while I was over there.
No, I don't have your dog.
I'm just curious.
- Hello.
- Hi.
Oh.
you see, uh, Axl's really been
gearing up for his future,
you end up doing
something you love.
But hey, this isn't just
about me kicking your tires.
Come on, Brick.
It's my turn.
"You have exceeded
your monthly text plan.
We are gonna get so busted.
Ugh, I can't believe it.
It's my guitar teacher.
I gotta take this.
and then I look like an idiot
with that "future goals" crap,
And once,
your English teacher wrote
with this guy and Nancy Donahue
and God knows who else.
We're not talking about me.
We're talking about you. Ugh.
What is this?
This a pimple?
picking a back zit,
wearing a holey t-shirt
Um, I'd like to pay
my $68.34 texting charge
and yes, you did go over
your text allowance this month.
Plus this vintage bird lighter,
Sue, we're stealing
from our aunt,
I'm gonna be the tiny ember
that ignites the fire of change.
I tried to find something
that everyone--
Stop it. I was in school
all day. Brain, off.
I got a strange call
from the phone company,
What are you staring at me for?
You are so funny.
I forget how funny you are.
and you didn't even notice.
I tried to be a tiny ember,
Okay, I don't expect the kids
to get it, but you and me...
You know, I see couples
at the mall, holding hands,
Aired 13 years ago - Oct 26, 2011
After being embarrassed over wearing a childish costume at a high school Halloween costume party and being ignored by the guys, Sue asks a flabbergasted Mike for his advice on what boys want when it comes to girls. Meanwhile, Frankie reluctantly
volunteers to take Brick's socially awkward school social skills group trick-or-treating, and Axl and his friends devise a plan to trick rather than treat the neighborhood kids on Halloween.
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Well, you know, honey,
uh, the thing is...
No, no, no...
They're not exactly
a hot seller this year.
Kind of, I don't know, weird.
Hey! I said I was sorry!
you just pretend t-to be his cart...
Frankie--
Yeah. That's one theory.
Well, I guess the
girls at the party were dressed...
Basically.
Hey, Sue. How's it going?
Oh, yes.
Yes, I have a ton of them!
And I mean, obviously,
having a rockin' bod
Some boys like...
Okay?
and there's just
all these boys and--
Oh, my God.
I gotta bring my inner Sue out,
Look, I'm just trying
to get through the night.
What say we go trick-or-treating
after all?
So that's a "yes"
on the Hemingway?
Axl, is Sue, you know,
fitting in at school?
I turned a grocery bag
into a purse.
Wow. Really? Thanks, dad!
change into new costumes,
and go right back at it.
We could be here all night.
Let's go. Yeah.
Do I look mature?
So you excited
for the party tonight?
She's wearing a t-shirt, Mike--
one that's actually in style.
I mean, uh, I liked
that big dice thing.
Get back in there.
Really look this time.
You have every right
to tell her not to wear it,
Before you get mad,
I cut my own sheets.
when we get outside,
we all have to stick together.
how long could one woman
stay chained to six nutty kids
I can't eat candy that's not red.
I have to have red candy.
Especially when you don't
get to tell them.
Hey. What's going on,
little Gaga?
Okay. All right.
Can I have French fries?
get away with that comment?
I had to do something.
Here you go, little ones.
Oh, we're not trick-or-treating.
We're too old for that.
Aired 13 years ago - Oct 19, 2011
As the Heck home begins to literally fall apart, Frankie and Mike consider leaving homeownership behind and moving the family to an apartment. Meanwhile, Axl tries to fake Frankie out by pretending that he's sick in order to get out of taking a
school test - and must later convince her that he's well enough to attend a party that evening; Sue and her ex-sort-of-boyfriend, Brad, volunteer to prepare a school skit about showing the dangers of texting and drinking while driving; and Brick tries to offer a little bit of levity by spouting off Shakespearian quotes.
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What about our emergency fund?
but we'd all had
a lot of beers.
I am not drunk.
And we're still looking for volunteers
to perform an educational skit
Okay, you know,
just go get into bed.
You think he's faking?
It's this surprise party
for Jack,
Did you even call his mom?
What? Uh... okay, okay,
let's see.
Brad and I became team sober non-texting
and driving ambassadors just in time.
In case you guys
haven't noticed, I'm sick.
Build a dam! Hurry!
They pay less than they did
before, and they love it.
That's why my mom rents.
I don't, uh--
Yo, Sean. What up?
but I can do "sick, not sick,
sick, not sick, Jewish holiday."
In that case, señor Heck, I'd be
willing to come in on Saturday,
I know you're stressed, but you don't
have to medicate with alcohol.
who finally realize
the error of their ways.
♪ now we don't do none ♪
Uh-- w-- but you haven't
seen the end.
It turns out his hairdresser's
parents were in a similar boat
but we can't pay for a new roof
and still make our mortgage.
until you get evicted
by the sheriff,
Is that us, Mike?
"'Tis better to bear the ills we have
than fly to others that we know not of."
Okay, look. Nobody's moving
anywhere unless we all agree.
The assistant manager.
Welcome to Hickory Arms.
Ooh, Mike--
New carpet.
but the sliding glass doors lead
out onto your own private deck.
Did you hear that, Sue?
Teen club. Wow.
I'd fill out one of these.
These units are going very fast.
I say we take a vote right now.
Who votes no?
Well, we're down
to ice cube trays
I mean, I know I was pushing it,
but the kids were freaking out.
Be nice to have
some extra cash.
Aired 13 years ago - Oct 12, 2011
Frankie learns that Axl's PSAT's are fast approaching and he hasn't been preparing for them. Sue sets her sights high and decides to try out for cheerleading, while Mike decides that Brick needs to toughen up when he gets bullied at school.
know, makeable.
Oh, yes.
- There's a boy?
- You've been getting bullied?
He put you in the trash?
but today I did find
half a banana in there.
Well, I think it stinks.
Besides, if we're gonna worry about
anybody's future, it should be Axl's.
Got it?
So... what are your goals?
not gonna let you in if you're not prepared, so...
this is a practice PSAT guide.
Paying bills and feeding you
people and, very occasionally,
What if, in that split
second, I missed their call?
Because he wanted to.
getting-put-in-the-trash thing.
You got to stand up to this guy, and let
him know that he can't mess with you.
Axl had it on his bed.
know what they're capable of.
Five more minutes with the
possibility of being a cheerleader.
really hard, they
can make it happen.
In three minutes, will my life stay the
same, or will it get so much better?
But I guess that's just the
way the old cookie crumbles.
Maybe they wrote down my number wrong,
or maybe I wrote down the time wrong.
So the next morning, Sue
woke up a cheerleader, and I've
Okay.
Brick, you take it from her.
Come on, Brick.
Brought you a snack.
Because they're supposed to be coming
out of the ax, but... - You fool!
Don't you get it, Axl?
I was sorry I had to be so
harsh with Axl, but sometimes
Ohh, are those new uniforms?
sorry, but you really
didn't make the team.
What do you mean, "no?"
Well, here's my thing.
and Toronto-- So to step down
now would be humiliating...
group photo in the yearbook, and
I want to cheer in one game.
You're just gonna end up a huge
loser, 'cause you screwed up
You're gonna do better when
you take the real SATS.
Huh?
This is what I've been
wanting you to do all along.
Aired 13 years ago - Oct 05, 2011
Frankie has a meltdown and forces the family to make significant changes to their lifestyle. But just as she puts these changes into effect, she leaves them to spend a some time relaxing with her mother.
Shh.
Aah!
You clip your toenails
into a chip bag?
Axl clipped his toenails into
a chip bag, and mom ate 'em.
I can still taste
it on my tongue.
You know, I don't know where I'm
going, but I will tell you this.
She left.
Why are we just standing here?
No, what you gotta do is take
some time to think about what
Did you notice any strange
behaviour before this?
Dad said it's up to
us to figure this out.
♪ don't wanna be all by myself ♪
She's not a dog.
The old man moves pretty fast.
This is everything!
She had an answer.
Is that good?
Look at you, little ballerina.
That's enough wine
for you tonight.
I didn't know the garlic bread
still had plastic on it.
I just woke up.
What do you mean
you're not sure?
I don't want you making the trip
when it's dark by yourself.
I don't know.
All my friends complain about
their moms, so I lie and tell
You get obsessed with something
no one else in the universe
It's not your fault mom left.
And let's not forget they
were Axl's toenails mom ate.
You never empty the dishwasher,
no matter how many times mom asks!
Well, at least I don't have braces
that are costing mom millions of dollars.
Brick's right.
We could even clean
our bathroom.
That could really set her off.
It's the only thing we can do.
I just don't think I'm
ready to go home yet.
I know I should be grateful-- Good
husband, healthy kids, blah, blah, blah.
bandits" in one night.
I don't think I spent nearly enough
time smelling the back of your neck.
than toenail moments,
I promise you.
Honey, you got
to take a shower.
Oh, well.
You're a non-toenail-eater.
'Cause that's what
you do, Frankie.
Aired 13 years ago - Sep 28, 2011
Mike learns that Brick has been skipping gym class, and goes to meet with his fourth grade teacher. Meanwhile, Axl plans a prank on Sue, who is now in high school with him.
Oh, my God!
How do you do it?
I can do that as an elective?
and Sue's next class
way over here,
He was surprisingly receptive.
Why?
Mm, doesn't feel like a thing.
I got put in detention
with a marijuana salesman!
and it goes on
your permanent record.
All that cross country
had paid off.
but if you're late to class,
you're gonna be tardy,
Axl!
Oh, you can't stop
to flip your sister,
Turtle girl never had
anything to lose!
Uh, you don't seem to understand
how things work around here,
Axl, Sue, and Brick.
Fine. "And dad."
It's not inaccurate.
We are equal.
I told you,
it's a random order!
Pfft. You think I wanna
be in charge of you?
Hey, everybody knock it off!
it's kinda your fault.
but I just don't think
your dad will go for it.
is because I gave it to you.
why don't you go down
and talk to Brick's teacher?
You found him.
this is my first
parent-teacher meeting.
Look, I hear your concerns,
and I agree with you.
the sociocultural theory
of scaffolding.
Answer ball?
You'll see, Brick will
come to the decision
Hey. Is Brick back
in gym class?
Well, he doesn't hate us.
It's worse. He cares.
I just feel like
as the middle child,
I mean...
Her brother was right.
She was a dork optimist,
Aired 13 years ago - Sep 21, 2011
Frankie insists that the family go on vacation together before school starts; Mike and Frankie remember their honeymoon, which was ruined by Nicky (Ray Romano), a guy Mike knew in high school.
we finally had 'em all
in one place
What are we doing?
That's kidnapping.
It says here the tulip poplar,
or liriodendron tulipfera,
Fine, Axl.
Who needs you anyway?
Whatever one you're not in.
How about we all sing
a fun family traveling song?
Check out these leathery dogs.
Oh, now that's a surprise,
Mrs. Heck.
but you are gonna love this.
Trust me.
Did I not say
to shut your head holes?
but for some reason, they are
crazy strict about erasers.
I don't know, Brick.
It's really up to the fish.
but I'm sort of nervous
about starting high school.
I mean, high school kids
are a lot more mature.
And silvery.
under the title
"Die Unendliche Geschichte."
Whoa!
Yep. Brick kept an open mind,
and now he really gets camping.
Boy, that's feels good.
Oh, yeah?
but it's not like
I didn't go on to success.
No, we're playing a board game
that I brought.
I'm first.
Just spin.
Uh... Ooh!
Landed on water works.
Huh?
Kabam! I just sunk your yahtzee.
Do not pass go.
Go right to loser gardens
Why? Why do I always
have to help her?
You hit the shot. I wiped
your sweat up off the floor.
That's tasty.
You mind if I take
a crack at that?
We've only been married one day.
I don't know you that well.
Well, I didn't know
you'd be leading with worse!
Mike?
You're the one
that kissed the guy.
it hit me that we might not be
in the same homeroom anymore,
to menstruating women."
Why did I tell him not to read?