Aired 13 years ago - May 25, 2011
With only three days left until summer vacation, Frankie is ecstatic that she's made it through another school year with the family. But her happiness turns to panic when she and Mike learn that Brick needs to write a daily journal and turn it in to
Ms. Rinsky or risk not moving up to the fourth grade; that Axl hasn't fulfilled his required 30 days of community service; and that, because of an error, Sue must prove that she never took a sick day from school in order to receive a perfect attendance award at her middle school graduation ceremony.
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They said I didn't earn
the perfect attendance award.
I just want to double-check
that I did it correctly.
'Cause that's exactly
what I did.
But I can only remember
Thanksgiving-- There was turkey,
and... someone was over.
Wait. Sorry.
Who did I just call?
Unless that ends in "hot chicks"
that's a definite "no."
Or I could just stay in my room
and jam and come up
Not allowed to sleep.
that we spend an awful lot
of time watching tv.
Oh, hon, this just says
that you went to the orthodontist.
to get ice cream,
but you forgot your wallet?
Wait till you're in a class with
kids a year younger than you.
Oh, I love Allison Scott.
She's a spark plug, isn't she?
I just told you how. I brought
it from the band room!
I'm racking up
double hours here. I mean...
And then when you're done, you
can pack boxes yourself, alone.
Sue. Sue Heck.
Yeah, she's awesome. Anyway,
so she left band practice,
Stop! I have evidence!
I have a tape!
Thanks, buddy.
I would have enjoyed that.
God. I'm so tired, I can't
even insult you. Hey.
I've got about an ounce
of memory left in my head.
But I didn't. It was the last
leg of our race to summer,
Then why you slowing down?
Good, 'cause I can't.
You had to buy the tiki torch.
I'm driving around
with 50 chicken parmesans
You really think that-- That
I don't say anything nice to you?
Yes, I do.
because we're rushing
to his sister's graduation,
You know Brick.
I didn't do my assignment
like I was supposed to."
Thank you!
Thank you so much.
Hello?
Mike?
Crap. Can't find my phone.
Damn it! I must have left it
Graduation from junior high
is an important milestone.
Forms? Oh, crap! You didn't
happen to turn in the--
Aired 13 years ago - May 18, 2011
Frankie and Mike attempt to cure Brick of his irrational fear of crossing over bridges. Meanwhile, Axl is pitted against nemesis Sean Donahue when a lifeguard position opens up at the local public pool, and Frankie is ready to pull her hair out when
she tries to help an indecisive and emotional Sue pick out a two-piece bathing suit to wear on the pool's opening day.
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You're gonna have to go over
that bridge sometime, Brick.
and you'll never feel safe again! Mike!
Hey! Can you guys keep it down?
I'm trying to study
Oh, what, you don't think I can
beat Sean? Nope. I really don't.
It's a matter of life or death.
a bunch of perfectly good suits
right here.
This is huge! So huge!
We'll go at your pace.
You take all the time you need.
You know, your dad may not think
you can handle this, but I do.
but underwater
no one can hear our screams.
I'm tellin' ya,
he paints a vivid picture.
Admit it.
You shy away from conflict.
This is, like, my entire career.
It starts with lifeguard.
Thank you so much for this!
Why did you even come?! You think this
is fun for me?! This is not fun for me!
How long have I looked
this way? Oh, my God.
These are your knees, mom!
Just pick out a damn suit!
Why didn't you ever tell me
I look awful in pink?!
Sorry to break it to you,
but trying on swimsuits
so you just be happy that
you're a cute 14-year-old
so I get it, Sue. I get it.
You hate your body.
Jump in fully clothed.
Okay. Here we go. It's like
ripping off a band-aid.
This is one
of your favorites, right?
I'm sorry, buddy.
10 bucks. Easiest money
you'll ever make.
I'm not pressing
the wrong button.
It's not like it's our fault. So
that's it then? That's who we are now?
who thinks for himself
He's an amazing kid. Frankly, I'm a
little disappointed in the other two.
Yeah. Ohh! Wow. You actually beat Sean?
Axl got the job. Sue conquered
bathing suit shopping.
The opening
of the community pool-
No, you look so hot.
and I'm responsible for 'em,
so if they fall down, I gotta
You going in? Oh, I forgot my suit. You?
Plus I think he was in it just for the girls.
Oh, well, Axl's in it to save lives, but...
Don't want to give
too much away,
Okay, Brick.
You can do this.
Aired 13 years ago - May 11, 2011
After learning that Axl text-invited the wrong girl to prom and plans to solve the situation by standing her up, Frankie and Mike demand that he meet the girl face-to-face in a timely manner to gently break off the date - or face the music and take
her to the big event. Meanwhile, Sue and her friend, Carly, try in earnest to fit in with the school's "B" crowd during lunch, and after a successful first show, Brick begins to bore Frankie and Mike with his impromptu one-man plays.
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What?
She sounds nice.
And the "d" table.
Oh, my God. You know what?
It would be great
to be able to sit down.
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
Then, about an hour later,
it finally came to a close.
I saw her run into the garage,
but I never saw her car leave.
Uh, look, if this is
about the bake sale,
She's already picked
a very nice dress.
Yeah, can I call you back? Great, bye.
Axl, get in here!
Are you my own son? Because
I didn't know my son was a jerk!
Sue had spent the week trying to get in.
Okay. This time, I do a butterfly.
Okay.
Now I do the blend-in.
But I always kind of do.
I think it's middle school.
It's not about
him just taking her
We were so worried
about grades and other stuff,
Hello, Sue Heck.
He's here for all of us.
Would you like to see a show?
He's not here for you, Brick. He's here for all of us.
♪ let's raise a glass
to the fatted calf, let's eat ♪
And who am I leaving out? Oh,
Axl. What's going on with Axl?
with the girl, when it's only two days before prom?
Well, the funny thing is,
Oh, please, chime in. After all,
you're the only one at the table
but you have no idea
what's Axl's facing
This lasagna sure is tasty. May I have a sec-- You
know, there's got to be something in the Bible
Now if we could all retire
to the living room for my show--
He didn't come here to see one
of your endless, boring shows.
Endless and boring?
taking weird Ashley to prom,
don't bother.
Hair metal's more my thing.
Thanks anyway.
and that's when it got
boring and endless.
Like taking me
to the hardware store.
But I never said anything,
'cause I didn't want
'Cause, you know,
the Clay's drying.
Because it's hard being a parent.
♪ but he turned out to be
a super nice guy in every way ♪
and everyone was welcome.
Are you kidding? Samantha
totally messed up at the end.
Can you imagine
entering high school
Aired 13 years ago - May 04, 2011
Things don't go as planned when Mike and the kids give Frankie a day without the family as a Mother's Day gift.
She deserves
the best mother's day ever.
Come on. This should be easy.
The woman has nothin'.
The gift of not us?
I like it.
what to get you for weeks now,
and we were wonderin'
They are pretty excited. Well, if they're
excited, then I guess we should do it.
Sleep...
But when I went to
the junk drawer for my glasses,
and the rest of the day
was mine.
and scotchgarding
the winter shoes,
We wound up going to Brown County.
You went to Brown County? I love Brown County!
and I forgot all about it! She had the funniest
laugh, so then we all started laughing,
And they had these kids
that were exactly our age,
Oh, hey, almost forgot--
We got somethin' for you.
You know, it's funny, I've never
been a good gift giver,
What are you talking about?
You said you had a great day.
Oh, no, no.
It wasn't that great.
you would've had if I were dead!
No, Frankie, stop it.
so next Sunday we're doing it again.
or I move on." I'm glad we're doing a redo.
Last week I forgot my money,
Oh, yeah. No, we're kinda doing
a family thing today.
Hey, who needs rides anyway?
Can you put your foot under
the door so I believe you?
Okay, let's get
this party started, huh?
I would eat your shoe if it was baked in jell-o.
You got it. Axl, put your phone away.
That was just special last week
for mother's day.
I'm allergic to wheat,
gluten, dairy, and cats.
Get it? Shots?
Okay, Arlo, buddy, you're
sitting a little close there.
Oh, my God! I still can't
get service 'cause I'm stuck
All this stupid redo stuff?
Sue, Axl, Brick, let's go!
Arlo, stop yanking my chain.
Where's Brick?
He's not my s-- Oh, screw it.
Just take the picture.
What does an octopus have to do
with Brown County?
they're gonna take a picture,
even if I have to
and nothing's going right.
Isn't this fun, kids?
Wait. Who's Ashley?
but I think we've done it.
Well, you didn't tell me.
You said you wanted to be left alone.
So I bring you to Brown County.
You're not happy.
That's what you wanted!
It's not what I wanted.
Great. Oh, yeah, you know what?
You would just love that.
Aired 13 years ago - Apr 20, 2011
Frankie gets swept up in the excitement of the upcoming royal wedding. Meanwhile, Mike has to make a few layoffs at the quarry, and Brick helps Sue with her audition for the school news team.
What?
I'm trying out for the school
news, and I need your opinion.
Well?
they sounded the same,
so really enunciate.
Sue! Okay. Here's
a mnemonic device to remember.
and while they were polishing
silver at Buckingham Palace,
Hey!
This is not for eating. It's
about historical significance
For your information, this is
a commemorative collectible item
Now here's something
with historical significance,
What?
You're here about pretzels?
He's Chuck.
I'll go to the hospital
right now and fire him.
Someplace with pretzels.
You don't know me at all!
and sometimes there's
these lines that go across,
Wow.
Yeah, I got this
a week ago, and...
Wow, that is so nice of you.
Hold the phone! HDMI 1.4?
No. It's borrowing.
I'm paying $25 to borrow it.
He's employed
and extremely responsible.
I love it!
Dad? Look what Axl got with
his credit card. It's just
Oh, please.
Nothing's gonna happ--
That was a "there's something
wrong" good luck. Tell me.
you were even shakier...
Happy Thursday, fellow shuckers.
to the girls soccer team
for defeating the other team
Phil Bickel,
quarry workers 703.
And, uh, get rid of
their health insurance.
and, uh, we can lose stuff
like, say... paychecks.
No pretzels. End of story.
Everyone get back to work.
It's only six hours away.
I can barely look at
a microphone without crying...
Hey! There is no fighting
on royal wedding Eve!
All right, never mind.
Now I'm going to bed,
Why am I awake
you know I need a solid 16.
Come on. Come back!
Bust it through...
No!
Rector.
Wipe your snot, carry your
vomit, take you sneaker shopping
And I don't have to explain it
or justify it to any of you.
Pretzels aren't important.
Royal weddings aren't important.
Aired 13 years ago - Apr 13, 2011
Mike punishes Axl by forbidding him from playing in the last basketball game of the season. Meanwhile, Brick begins wearing his cousins hand-me-downs, and Sue wins a trophy.
Oh, oh, that's perfect. You just
automatically assume it's mine.
Okay, fine, whatever, you're not
playing in the game on Saturday.
They're cousin socks!
They're all stretched out.
What were you thinking?
Since when? You undermine me
all the time! And why am I
You heard me.
I was pretty tough out there.
God, this is lame.
How many socks do I have to
Kids can be very cruel.
Our next award goes to
Perrin Chernow, MVP Attitude.
Used to be, you were the best,
you got a trophy.
Yep. 106.
I'm at 101.
You're scared
I'm gonna beat your record!
- Exactly
- It's about his attitude, and...
The accusing eyes? Like I knew
Axl might beat my record.
Stay on me.
Stay on me. Stay on me.
before you actually don't say it?
You know, I was thinking...
What if, while you were
definitely not caving,
You know, if he came to me
with a gesture of remorse,
Every year, about this time,
your mom gets on me to do it.
Meanwhile, Sue's life
had never been better.
so I went out and did it.
I want to hear
one of your boring stories?
Glossners.
Look, there is no reason
why we can't all win here.
How long do you think
it'll take 'em to decide?
Mike decided to take
one last shot,
and you just don't get it. God!
How obvious do I have to be?
They must have moved it.
Keep looking.
Sue? Are you out there?
and I'll call the police.
I didn't tell you
what you had to kiss.
And now the starting lineup
It's killing me that my own son
has a chance to get his plaque
Wait a minute.
Well, I'm sorry
I'm not a mind reader!
is this $50 bill
from my birthday money.
I know it!
Good. 'Cause he's gross.
Although, they did
explain this shirt to me.
but Axl's team lost by 30.
He did, however,
Now I'm done.
Aired 13 years ago - Mar 23, 2011
While the Hecks spend spring break trying to clean their house, Brick opens a stand where he shares his advice for commission.
If you haven't touched it
in a year, toss it.
It's a beloved memento from
your youngest son's childhood.
It's a clean zone now.
It's been inoculated.
eat pot roast out of
a measuring cup last night?
What about next week?
even you guys. I'll just wander
the earth as a peaceful nomad
Well, I can't make anybody lunch
if I can't get to the fridge,
unless you convince me that
you truly love it and need it.
Just put it on the curb.
Somebody will take it.
Oh, okay. What you want to do
is turn left at the sign,
Hey, I got a history test
coming up.
I've had them
since fourth grade.
No. No, Axl. Axl, give them
back! Give them back right now!
All right. It's midnight.
I'm calling this thing.
A cat carrier?
We never had a cat.
You know what we have to do?
We have to get rid of ourselves.
But this being America,
in times of tragedy,
while Notre dame
only has eight.
Hey, all this crap is
your stuff, not mine.
I gave you for father's day.
That's nice.
Sure. That way I can
go back and look at it
And how many things
that you bought with your heart
well, we both know
that's a lie.
'cause the last one
you didn't even finish,
Got to be honest with you,
still not a fan.
"Good mother question mark"?
just in case you ever want
to get another wife.
Why are my parents
getting a divorce?
I know they don't.
It's just...
with straight hair,
who will use these
Meanwhile,
Brick was a bit thrown
Automatic unload.
There's no way we're
carting all this crap back home.
You... boy with the red tricycle,
girl with the straight hair,
We're really good kids!
I promise!
What? No. I just found this.
I must have made this years ago.
That's part of being tall.
Oops. I left it blank,
and now I can't remember
Oh, well, I'm sorry.
Am I being too chatty?
Let's just say you we
pretty lucky to land me.
But we're allowed to go there?
'Cause I'll go there. Then go there.
We need to get
our story straight.
There's nothing to tell!
You absolutely do that!
You do it all the time.
They're not so whimsical
when I smashed into 'em with
Aired 13 years ago - Mar 02, 2011
Frankie once again goes head to head with Brick's third grade teacher, Ms. Rinsky, when Brick gets a D on his math test and Frankie thinks poor teaching skills are to blame. But Frankie wonders whether or not she can make the grade when Ms. Rinsky
requires that she and Mike attend a class to test their own math skills. Meanwhile, while begrudgingly watching over their crusty, old aunts, Axl and Sue mull over a plan to accompany Aunt Edie on a search for a time capsule she buried when she was young.
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Talk to his teacher
and get him some help.
No. Sit. Talk.
Oh, no.
He has to be perfect
He's getting a "d."
maybe you should help him.
To teach parents a math class.
Welcome, parents.
I'm sure we're all thrilled
Brought a fresh notebook.
And actually,
I was very cool in school.
They don't really want
to visit.
When I was your age,
I used to love school.
What a shame.
74.
112.
It's comin' pretty easy."
We should totally take her
to dig up that old time capsule!
My time is way too valuable.
Hoo! Ha! Hoo-ha-ha! Hoo!
Okay.
James Monroe...
Hey. You got it.
Oh, I am so proud of you!
And now you'll never get to!
Ohh! I'm so selfish!
Not tonight, though, 'cause sean
and darrin are coming over,
Some might
call it a very low "d."
She's just a bad teacher!
Mm. Could be.
Yeah.
I'm a lot younger than her,
They should.
So I made a few phone calls,
I organized the junk drawer,
"I'm writing to bring
to your attention
Don't we need teachers
who are caring and missive?"
"if you want to schedule
a parent-teacher conference
"she would've made
a fine... Nazi.
"sincerely,
Frankie and Mike Heck."
No, that's avoiding a fight
and getting to the tv faster.
It's nothing, honey.
Everything's fine.
How many questions were there?
45.
They were gonna help aunt Edie
find that time capsule...
That's it!
Any of these look like
your house, aunt Edie?
She wanted to meet mike and me
as soon as we got off work.
No. It was in
a "Nancy Drew" book.
No.
What words were you referring
to... "drunk" or "nazi"?
I'm sorry.
You're looking at me.
Aired 13 years ago - Feb 23, 2011
Sue wins a family trip to New York, and the flight turns into a comedy of errors.
Right here. Oh. Okay. We can make it!
Go, go! Come on! Come on!
Pfft. Please.
Just being allowed to travel
so put this on.
Ma'am, if it won't fit through
the screener...
Here. Take the jacket. Get '.
You will not have a chardonnay,
Um, excuse me. We are
on a once-in-a-lifetime trip,
We're all gonna get there
at the same time, right?
We made it.
H! We made it Mike.
Let's not point fingers.
Well, can I at least have my books?
What'd she say about oxygen?
Why doesn't it inflate?
You've never, ever been
on a plane? Wow.
Stop by the cockpit, and we'll
give you boys your wings.
Everything's pointing
to the priest.
to see the statue of liberty.
I'm not scared. I'm just worried
that I left the back door open
Oh, I mean dog school. Mom!
Axl won't switch with me, and it's my turn!
Knock it off!
You are embarrassing me! Move!
Your elbow is knobby... fact.
Your hair is stringy... fact.
Oh, I shouldn't...
Sue's personal and innermost
thoughts and feelings.
I'm her mother, Mike,
and she's a 14-year-old girl.
"Going to bed now. January 8th.
Where are my blue socks?
So then in my 16th meet...
oh, well...
Kids, look, we're here,
and it's snowing.
Okay, Mike,
try not to think about it.
Ohh. Mike.
People look to tall people
in emergencies.
I love myself plenty,
and I don't have control issues.
If there's a control freak
in this family, it's you.
You know what that's called?
Being a mom.
I'm in control because I have to be.
Where are those snacks again?
Frankie. Frankie.
Yes, I looked everywhere.
Did you move stuff around?
They'll return him to the house eventually.
Hey, everybody. Hi.
Okay. I know we've been off
to a rocky start.
to drive you
to the greater New York area.
Frankie, wait a minute.
What are we doing?
and I don't feel like driving
for nine hours on a bus
Aired 13 years ago - Feb 16, 2011
Frankie looks for a friend for Brick; Sue sneaks into an R-rated movie against Mike's wishes; and Axl and his band need a hot female for their music video and try to get stealth footage of their sexy biology teacher.
must have already said no, so... no.
Can you at least hear the question?
Number one... "I am very mature
and have exhibited maturity
Just take my list.
Peruse it at your leisure.
Not your thing? That's cool.
How about, uh... hey.
No. We're not going in
till you act like a kid,
as scantily clad eye candy?
Sure. What's your question?
Okay.
that adults shouldn't skip.
Crazy, right?
who spends an hour a week
with him tell us what he needs
So I'm not gonna make myself
nuts about all of this.
I thought photosynthesis had
something to do with cameras,
You have a giant spider
in your hair.
This should be a good movie.
Good. How's your coffee?
Oh, my God.
So Mike and I agreed
if Brick wanted a friend,
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you two together?
Oh, crap!
We've gotta come up with a plan
to save this.
I sure hope you're ready
to have fun, Gerald,
Thanks for having me.
I had a great time.
Have your mom call
for another playdate.
Three days.
After having a great time.
"Rivers of love"?
I'll tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna punish her.
Didn't she make a bunch
of long distance phone calls
But you know what?
She flat out disobeyed me.
But it's been four days.
Can we call him?
So we were wondering
if Gerald would be interested
That's why he hasn't called
in the last few days.
and then sleep with
his wife's sister the next day?
Oh, God.
How could I ever doubt you?
Right... and so you are
grounded for a week. No tv.
I took mom's sweater
without asking!
But wait. There's more!
45 minutes later,
His mom said,
"he's been... sick."
Okay, take a good look at us,
♪ you say we'll meet at 3 ♪
♪ Run to me,
you are so into me ♪
and you can explain why
there's rollerblades in there.
Aired 13 years ago - Feb 09, 2011
Axl has a new girlfriend he wants to impress on Valentine's Day, while Brick has a crush on a fellow student and Mike accidentally lets the news slip out, humiliating his shy son. Elsewhere, Sue searches for a boy she kissed on a Halloween hayride.
If you get there in the morning,
there aren't so many cats.
Well, if y don't have school,
what are you doing out of bed?
God. Why is this so hard?
maybe she'd like a scarf.
Girls like scarves.
So stupid for not getting
his number. I just thought
from not being asked
to the Halloween dance.
Just... just... glue something...
Slap some glitter on it, and...
Oh, Brick. Cutting's
hard for you, isn't it?
Oh, yeah? You know, I think
Brick's got a crush on her.
I'm done. Thanks a lot, dad.
- She approached me. - Yeah, well, when
you go back to do the Valentine party,
Well, maybe if I had
a ponytail and stretch pants,
I just transferred here from
Bobby knight junior high...
I'm kind of a big deal.
Listen. In matters of the heart,
you can't make plans, honey.
It could have ended
the whole deal right there.
I thought you were cool, because
you liked "Reservoir Dogs."
just in case you ever need...
Help or anything.
Well, here's your Spanish class.
And I just want you to know,
I don't know.
Maybe that place downtown.
and I go, "whoa, who farted?"
And everybody laughs.
Like, she absolutely
must have shoplifted
Yeah. Me, too.
Free dinner... what up!
But it sort of looks like
that kid's over there.
This is a disaster!
now I have less valentines!
Look, I'm gonna give it back. Hang on, okay?
Party's over! Here we go.
You guys shouldn't be
so they can sell us Americans
a heart-shaped load of crap!
I'm telling you, this whole day
is just a scam started...
Vanessa. Axl told me
a few scary things about her,
What? That is not true.
We went out a couple of times.
Sue decided that the only way
he was gonna remember
I was in it for a while,
but I sort of got bounced out.
Popular boy
is gonna see me around!
Aired 13 years ago - Jan 19, 2011
As the Super Bowl approaches, Mike is thrilled when Brick takes his advice and studies up on football in order to understand and talk the sport. But Axl thinks his little brother is taking over his turf by being Mike's football buddy - a position
Axl used to cherish. Meanwhile, Frankie thinks her professional career is looking up when Mr. Ehlert chooses her to accompany him to a managerial seminar, and ex-boyfriend Brad asks Sue to be his dance partner for the school's annual Square Dancing with the Stars.
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Brick, I bet that would've been
a real conversation starter in the 1600s...
Every year we have people over here
for the Super Bowl, what do you do?
"'Quarterback,' 'buttonhook,'
'flea-flicker."'
We could go back to being a four-job
family instead of a five-job family.
Really?
- What is a quarterback?
- Quarterback or cornerback?
- And with the West Coast Offense...
- Don't tell me anything past 1983.
- Don't say it, Brad.
- You're a terrible dancer.
Whatever it takes,
I'm willing to work for it.
Again.
What do you think the briefcase is for?
So, Brick, what do you think is the key
to tomorrow's game?
...is for a team from Indianapolis?
We all know there's nothing sexual
about Frankie.
Come on, Frances,
you're a smart woman.
You're taking me to my colonoscopy.
- And I thought you saw potential in me.
- I do.
- I need them to respect me.
- What about my respect?
Really it's because they couldn't defend
against Pierre Thomas on critical downs.
Sorry, sorry, left, I know.
He has a good theory
about the spread offense.
- I'm okay.
- And you hurt your sister.
Have you eaten any solid food
in the past 12 hours?
Simmer down, Frances.
I'm not about to inconvenience you.
I want you to feel the space.
Sense the flow. Be the flow.
Or I'm supposed to be.
This is pretty much all I've got.
But those skills
aren't always appreciated in junior high.
We can't win, but you can.
I was supposed to watch the Super Bowl
with my family...
- Now give me my pork rinds.
- No, no, no!
...and I think,
"Wow, he sees something in me."
Did you know Super Bowl XII...
Oh.
- I don't wanna hear that right now.
- The odds of winning the coin toss...
Now yellow-rock your corner gal,
and show you're deft with a circle left.
- In 1972...
- Well, I gotta work early.
...because with five free agents
on the roster...
You droned on with useless facts
and boring stats.
Hey, quiet.
But I was having an RV
full of emotions myself.
Aired 13 years ago - Jan 12, 2011
Mike freezes Frankie out because he can't fathom how she inadvertently paid $200 for a small bottle of eye cream that she thought was priced at $20.
Meanwhile, Axl's fathering techniques are put to the test when he has to take care of a mechanical
infant doll for health class, and Sue and Brick desperately search for a way to fix a hole that they caused in Sue's bedroom wall.
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Whoa!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Oh, no!
Are we gonna lose the house?
Don't be buying a bunch of stuff
we can't afford.
but I used it three times
and I won't press charges?
I'm willing to bet that's your fingerprint in there?
I mean, $200 for that tiny jar?
but from now on, I will be
taking my business elsewhere.
Little brick
must've pooped himself.
Hey, thanks.
Axl's baby's driving me crazy.
What? He likes it
when I do this.
Hey, you want to hear a funny story?
Oh, is it something about axl and his baby?
Wow.
Yeah, you are a sucker.
$200!
All we have to do is pull out
all the loose pieces
to make up
for my stupid, stupid mistake.
Then after knocking
on every door,
where I gave birth
to all 19 of my children,
Okay.
a credit card slip
without looking at it?"
"Baloney!
You bought it for yourself."
There was no sign of thaw
in sight.
While skilled carpenters
worked tirelessly
I can't just drop everything
and go to a movie anymore.
Yeah, I think I...
Screwdrivers don't smell!
They're gonna find us out!
Yeah. Makes me mad...
and then I find myself
on the side of the road,
Why an egg for a snack, brick?
What is this demon device
you hold to your ear?
chill out for half a second.
We have one visitor.
It can't be over.
you wouldn't be in this mess.
I've tried taking care of him.
I'm rocking a piece of our grandchild.
Hey, listen, uh, sorry I hung up,
I mean, I thought
that if I got a second job,
that 200 bucks sends us
over the edge?
Aired 13 years ago - Jan 05, 2011
After years of being at their kids' beck-and-call and never having time for themselves, Frankie and Mike decide to take charge of their lives and regain control over the Heck household. But Axl, Sue and Brick don't plan on going down without a fight.
When did this happen? When did
the kids become our bosses?
Sue, how many times
do I have to tell you
On Thursdays, I had to choke
down those green peppers.
How did we let this happen?
When did this start?
Come on. Get up.
Hey, we were here first.
So we're doing picture-in-picture?
We call the big picture.
Who says? I'll tell you who says.
"The giving tree."
Oh, hey, honey.
How was school?
'cause anything that's left
is going in the trash.
Dad, look what she did
to the family room.
Oh.
If you're really dying
to find out about Peru,
This isn't about you.
Your mom and I love this pizza,
But I don't like zebra!
I want wildebeest!
They're not backing down, Axl.
She said "no." I should just use whatever
we have in the closet.
That's nothing.
and the longer they live.
- Mom, can you please change the station?
- I can, but I won't.
It's a scam, Brick.
Good luck with that.
- and I'm pretty confident we would win.
- Oh, no. I hope I don't lose custody.
and you won't let me
in your bed, so I came in here
I should make up
a new user name
Are you drinking mouthwash
to get drunk
Me, too. Mike and I used to make
out to them when we made out.
We're not just gonna
take back our house.
It's just,
we told Dottie and Shelly
Ugh. What? Nicole's texting me.
She needs help with her homework.
And just last night,
we kissed... On a Tuesday.
They don't remember any of it. Might as well
take 'em to a bar.
We took Sean to the space needle.
to just dance
to the sweet sounds
♪ Have you heard about the lonesome loser?
♪
what do you wanna hear?
I appreciate you. I'm bad.
This whole thing has been
about... um... your grades.
No, you slipped
in Nancy's vomit.
And you can't believe what came up.
Oh, I'm afraid we can.
Maybe we should have
taken him to the library.
but our dancing
will make up for it.
for a one-time
lunch performance?
Aired 13 years ago - Dec 08, 2010
While Frankie's parents Tag and Pat visit for Christmas, Mike is less than thrilled. To make matters worse, the Hecks have a disagreement with them over Frankie's idea on how to celebrate the holiday without exchanging presents
Yeah. Ahh.
Here they are, in the Easter box.
we put one in our kids',
Does anybody recognize that?
We'll give you a hint.
Or should I say...
"And coincidentally,
the word is irresponsible."
as a family, could rethink
just doing what we always do
There'll be presents, just maybe not so many.
All 'cause of an orange?
Aah! Axl be quiet, and please
let our pretty young mother
From the... heart? Where is this
coming from? It's Christmas!
We found it under a sweater
on Brick's train set.
Hey!
Sorry!
Hey, did I ever tell you
about my neighbor, Stan?
What's that,
snow you're shoveling there?
Where's the reading nook?
This. You waved me off.
What?
You winked. You just winked.
But on the eighth day,
he hid.
the time I met the weatherman,
Storm McMartin?
Well, your grandpa and I were
chatting on the way down here,
My first Benjamin!
Okay, kids! Your mom wants you
to give the money back.
♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪
Don't be afraid
to ask for help.
Sorry. You're looking at
some cold showers.
The poor kid just crawled behind
the chair like a cat and barfed.
Whatcha got there?
Dude, you left it alone? They're
gonna try and destroy it!
and the kids were in the igloo
They're just in stories
like leprechauns and trolls.
I'm going out there!
Brick's talking globe,
Axl a new amp.
I told her that we were
doing a simple Christmas!
Why are you taking our presents?
Why?
Guys, guys! Did anybody look
in their stocking
Well, I didn't think
you meant us, too.
Well, you don't cut back
at Christmas. It's Christmas!
We have to be grand.
It's in the title!
Let's get that straight
right now.
I just wanted them
to have a heartfelt Christmas,
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 24, 2010
Mike begrudgingly invites his brother, Rusty, who is temporarily living in a tent, and his father, Big Mike, who has recently broken his hip, to join him for the annual Heck family Thanksgiving. But when Frankie observes the macho Heck men's
non-communicative nature, she encourages a not-so-receptive Mike to engage them in a real conversation and express their feelings. Meanwhile, Brick is ecstatic when he discovers that Bob is bringing his girlfriend, Linda - the local librarian who loves books as much as Brick does - to Thanksgiving; and Sue wants to start a mother-daughter tradition of baking a pie for the holiday, but ends up getting more sliced up than the crust.
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An actual librarian is
coming here?
Dad.
I-I dragged myself on my belly
from the yard into the house,
Please, dad. Please, please,
please come to Thanksgiving.
It's great that you're keeping
your dad hydrated...
What does your brother say?
Oh, come on.
So Mike sucked it up and went
over to his brother's house.
The economy burned down
your house?
I fell asleep facedown
with a cigarette in my mouth.
for Thanksgiving yourself.
Wasn't planning anything big.
and really talk
about the future.
I'm gonna tell dad.
Well, I'm gonna tell him you're an idiot.
don't do it facedown
in a pillow.
Just rinse it off
in the bathroom
I don't know. So where's he gonna live?
What's he gonna do?
Well, I guess what
would make the most sense
Resist the pull
of history, Mike.
so you're gonna need a house,
you know, without a zipper.
Just talk to her.
Come on.
Oh, you didn't need to do that.
Lisa, I think you probably know
Myon brick from the library.
like this, huh?
Mm-hmm.
No dickens, though.
Well, it looks so funny,
but at least it smells g... ow!
From my mother
to your mother to you.
"Catcher in the rye."
I know I'm sorry
we've been fighting.
It's not silly. It's nice.
It's really nice.
Yeah. You would've liked her.
Oh.
Oh, yeah? I stayed up
till midnight last night.
That if he had ever heard
your father say "I love you,"
to me, to you, to your dad.
Was this in a local restaurant?
then he'll be able
to say it back to you
I call dad on my team.
Mm-hmm.
your dad and I would be
shoving peanuts way up our nose,
I love you, too, mom.
And I love you, brick.
I...
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 17, 2010
Brick pleads with Frankie to leave him home alone when she runs errands.
Really? He likes Amelia?
It doesn't work.
I just use it as a clock.
Does your mom know about this?
What? I hear this is a good movie.
Duh. She's, like, my best friend.
but I'm just kind of worried that if I do,
she might feel uncomfortable there.
You know how all that food you eat sort
of magically appears in the cupboards?
So... How was your afternoon
with the aunts, Brick?
I'm sorry, Brick.
You're not old enough.
She says words that seem nice,
but they're not. They're evil.
- Nothin'.
- Nothin'?
Now our daughter's about to get hurt,
and you're gonna do nothin'?
- So this is just how girls are?
- Yep.
Sue, how old were you when
mom let you stay home alone?
You don't have to answer that!
You're not on trial here.
Seems I should certain be treated with
the same trust as my brother and sister,
What am I supposed to do? If I tell him no,
he'll think I don't trust him.
That reminds me. He ate another
band-aid this morning.
- Hi, Dad.
- Hi, Sue. Hi, Carly. Shannon.
Sue got an "A" in Mr. Murphy's
class last year.
'Cause it didn't really seem to be about
Mr. Murphy at all, and it wasn't funny.
What? Just helping with the vocab.
You know, in case it's ever on a test.
A few days later, I'd run out of milk,
and I'd run out of excuses.
Oh, I am.
tell 'em I'm in the other room cleaning my
gun, and I'll call them back in 24 minutes.
Brick, what happened?! Brick, what-
Oh! Brick!
That's why I use it to
store aunt pearl's quilts!
Hello? I still need my lunch.
And Mike was determined to make sure that even
if Sue wasn't invited to Shannon's sleepover,
I'm pretty sure those
aren't actual beard terms.
Hello?
- Shannon wants to borrow my sleeping bag.
- What?!
Ah, it's okay. I was in the area.
Thought I'd save you a trip.
Oh. Hang on. I don't think
you're gettin' it.
I bet we could
squeeze in one more.
Actually, I don't. I don't get how you can
watch your daughter do something like this
That is your job and my job- to help our
kids be nice, to teach 'em how to be decent.
Amelia just moved here, and I know for a fact that
she was just using her to get on Wrestlerettes.
- You take it!
- You take it!
And doing my nails?
Well, it's no picnic for me, either.
Sometimes I just wanna- Aah!
If they can't appreciate this
sleeping bag... To hell with 'em.
Somebody would text somebody,
who'd put it on their Facebook page
Aired 14 years ago - Nov 03, 2010
Frankie and Mike are speechless when, on his ninth birthday, Brick demands to hear the true story about the day he was born, which has remained a mysterious Heck family secret. Meanwhile, Axl's new manager at the movie theater turns out to be a conundrum - hot and dumb - which leaves a confused Axl wondering if her hotness trumps her incompetence.
He never really got
the full story.
No one ever answers me?
Mike, I'll need to see you
in the dining room.
How would you like
a brand-new bike?
I'm allowed to go in there?
But the sign...
Oh, God. I totally forgot
to wrap your present.
That'd explain a lot.
You're not adopted, Brick.
In the back
behind the hula-hoop.
what happened. Oh, no!
He'll never forgive us.
Well, thank you l for coming
to Brick's birthday party.
Chill. I gotta fix
this cheese pump,
and I wasn't wearing
any underwear.
Order? I thought
the big truck just brings it.
Isn't that fun?
And it's in German,
Japanese, and French.
Well, you told your wish.
Now it can't come true.
Well, it was
a beautiful, sunny day,
But it took so long,
that by the time he got
"D" batteries.
Where's the actual robot?
Now I can finally go swimming
at the Fergusons.
The sauerkraut by the sink?
I pulled that out of my...
No one gets out of this room
until I get the real story...
of the day you were born.
Don't worry. Your mother's
picking up Sue from ballet
Oh. It's almost as big
as our house.
Here ya go.
It's a new kind of foam
Ohh.
if I brought back
the wrong baby.
They could've put a turkey in my
arms. I would've taken it home.
Really soon.
You know,
after the authorities called.
No time for a plate.
I got a work emergency.
What? I restocked it
yesterday. Oh, my God!
Always.
Aired 14 years ago - Oct 27, 2010
Frankie is excited over being invited to an adult neighborhood Halloween party. But will she be able to get Mike to dress up in a costume, or will he have his own idea of fun? Meanwhile, a melancholy Sue's spirits are lifted when she discovers that
Reverend TimTom is back in town and hosting a Halloween church event; things don't go quite as planned for Axl, his friends or their dates as they head out to an exclusive haunted house party; and Brick chooses a unique Halloween costume that is not easily defined.
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Interesting choice.
You know, you're gonna be
pretty embarrassed
Yeah. Listen. I don't know
if you've heard anything,
and swiped a couple
of the bodies.
throw up all over the place,
look to us for comfort. Boom!
Sue Heck won't be attending
Hallowing dance this year.
Happy new year.
and the aunts were
prepped and ready.
Ooh. Who's the square
in the plaid shirt?
Okay. I'll give you a hint.
Hey. I thought you were
gonna get a date for me.
Well, maybe if you were a better barn
counter, we wouldn't be lost right now.
Bayonet injury...
- Anybody call for a chimney sweep?
- Jeez
Oh! Hey, listen, big man. I just
shotgunned three pixy stix.
Haven't you ever just wanted
to be somebody else, just for one night?
- The one we're living right now?
- Yep.
I've either just been here,
or I'm on my way back through.
♪ sea to sea,
coast to coast ♪
Oh, wow,
what a nice kid you are,
- What?
- Nothin'.
Grab a partner,
♪ A-hey, hey, Halloween ♪
Hey, you know what?
What do you say I just follow you?
There were these teenagers
in a car on their way up
There was an extra head...
He knows who I am!
I just thought this year
was gonna be the best ever,
My first kiss...
But then three days later,
he was back on his feet,
Whoo-hoo!
Put your beer down
and get into it.
Candy, candy, candy!
Give it now or else! We want candy!
Is probably gone by now.
Aah! Get it off of me!
Get it off me!
totally under control.
What are you talking about?
I was out on the dance floor.
I don't get what's happened to you.
I thought for once, we could
put on some fringy vests...
Who's stopping you?
Go! Have fun.
Aired 14 years ago - Oct 20, 2010
Against the family's wishes, Frankie invites a Japanese foreign exchange student to live with them, in the hopes of exposing him to American life; however, the Hecks get frustrated when he shows no interest in them or America.
Do we get to exchange someone?
'Cause I vote for Axl.
and becomes bigger and bigger
all the way to Japan.
Come on, Mike.
I even got Mike
to power wash all the cobwebs
We're actually gonna change
someone's life,
but you're gettin' one.
Ohh.
No, he's mine.
Mom got him for me.
'cause we're gonna show you
America!
Don't think all American girls
are Lindsay Lohan.
an actual Japanese person's
insight.
Axl! Why don't you and Sue clean
up and take your empty bags
Axl! You are so dead!
I'm sick of this, Axl!
I will straighten out
your brother.
So...
No.
and a good old American breakfast.
Got it?
Isn't that funny?
I just sang karaoke
He went to the bathroom
and never came out.
And I'm sorry I did.
Mom. Mom. I
threw Axl's pillow on the roof,
Hi, Takayuki.
How was fishing?
They have maple flavoring
baked right in. Mmm. See?
- to the grocery store this week.
- Oh, you, too? I mean,
Boy, we are having a blast
over there. It's so much fun.
and they're having a blast.
He's been cooking, dancing,
teaching them games.
Hey, I would
totally rage in Japan.
He'll think we were in here
talking about him.
We're taking Esteban
to cedar point.
So, um, y-you've been
taking him places?
I mean, they didn't fly
halfway around the world
When you left, we were all in agreement
that he's the dud. Yeah, well, he's not.
We haven't done anything fun
with him.
Your body's used to junk.
Actually rice is the main staple
of the Japanese breakfast.
meat on sticks!
any small major appliance
you can think of."
some of the colts game.
It's a win-win.
I guess this time it did.
It was Mike's turn to check.
- for messing with the Ax-man's pillow. Mm!
- What?
If it's really that bad,
you'll have to use the ditch.
What? I only got $5!
No fair! It's not... ooh.
I'll give you
30 bucks not to have this fight
Aired 14 years ago - Oct 13, 2010
When Axl is suspended for skipping school, Mike decides it's time to teach his son a lesson about life and makes him go to work with him at the quarry. But Mike's master plan backfires when Axl likes the job so much that he wants to quit school and
lead the life of a quarryman. Meanwhile, Frankie is devastated when she fears that she accidentally prayed away Sue's cross-country team after it's cut by the school; and while practicing a magic trick, Brick makes the main TV remote disappear - and can't figure out how to make it reappear.
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and now they want to make an example out of me,
You're gonna wanna remove yourself
from my line of vision.
You know, I'm kinda relieved
this is all out in the open.
you're gonna spend every day of
your suspension with me at the quarry.
That's too long, Fred. We're not...
Congratulations, dad. Your plan's working,
Actually, it's three more days.
and he's gonna learn some respect for hard work.
you're supposed to pray for- Haiti, Pakistan...
Frankie, they're 0-and-12.
'cause if he did, The Colts would've
won the super bowl last year.
Wrestling is safe. We're not cutting the real sports.
Okay, uh, listen, we're-we're all concerned parents here,
I don't think we should cut cross-country, because...
I'm a selfish, horrible person.
I've never been on a team before,
Cross-country is no-cut.
Don't cut cross-country,
I'm a selfish, horrible person.
Your worst nightmare- Hard work.
Gentlemen, we are cocked, locked, and ready to rock!
I'm a selfish, horrible person.
is torn from our place
in the time-space continuum!
Okay. Where is it?
Hey, honey.
I'm a selfish, horrible person.
I don't deserve cross-country,
and I don't deserve a cupcake.
Sorry what I said yesterday about
everything being lame and stuff.
I figure I can always get a job
at the quarry right out of high school.
Hells, yeah! Later, Dad.
Hey. Where's Axl?
Brick, fun's over. I need the remote.
I need it bad.
but I knew the truth, and the guilt was gnawing at me.
Yeah, I know.
You think you're the first lady I've seen on the john?
and it's the first thing she ever made...
Uh... Wait. Go back.
Next.
- Is he dying?
- I don't know.
No. Chuck says it's not that hard,
Okay, but if you look past
the really fun party, you'll see...
The point is, chuck never went to college,
so chuck has no options.
You're acting like I haven't given
any thought to my future. I have.
Aired 14 years ago - Oct 06, 2010
While shopping for baby diapers for Sue, who has run out of them on a baby-sitting job, Frankie is completely humiliated when a clerk assumes she's shopping for adult diapers. Meanwhile, after getting on Mike's case to get a physical exam because
she thinks men tend to fall apart faster than women as they age, Frankie proceeds to throw out her back and hides it from Mike, who tells her he received a clean bill of health from the doctor; a clueless Sue falls for Axl's friend, Sean, who barely notices her existence; and Brick begins to test all of the age-old urban legends parents tell their kids - such as not to swallow a watermelon seed for fear one will grow in their belly - after discovering Frankie has used these white lies on him in the past.
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O-or I'll just wing it.
I've been making this face
for an hour, and guess what?
Could you run out to the store
and get me some?
Excuse me. Can you tell me where
the diapers are? Over here.
- No! That's 100% chestnut brown.
- That's over in aisle 12.
These are
for old, creaky people
Just take me to the diapers...
And I am here to tell you that
you are a vibrant young woman
- Wow. Bob, you have a lot of pictures of me.
- Not just you.
Ka-pow!
And see how much of it we can remember. We even got a log.
And your teacher signed off on this "experiment"?
Hi, Carly.
What are you doing here?
And remember you tripped
into that fire hydrant,
And we should get
those marbles, too.
Oh, yeah.
Pay attention! Look at...
Bob was right.
Quite the tangled web,
isn't it?
That's awesome.
The man never goes to the doctor
and still has perfect health.
I could get pregnant right now.
Come to me! Come to me!
To express
my three different feelings?
I am a woman
of the 21st century,
Um, can I see you in the...
I left it here
when I took your family
Hey, Brad.
What are you doing?
And weird. Hey, why don't
you put on some heels,
Come on. It's our anniversary.
I just got a clean bill of health.
Yeah, but Brad's
pretty tough, too.
Uh, hello. I'm in here.
L-lifting something
very heavy.
Which way?
I'm not a Kardashian.
You know, we don't have
to mention this to dad.
Lying is absolutely 100% bad.
It's just,
But I accidentally
dropped it in the tub,
I'm lying.
French fries.
And I hope
you can understand that.
Hey, what's this?
Some kind of a poem.
Oh, that's mine.
I tried, and the whole
curtain came down.
Aired 14 years ago - Sep 29, 2010
Mike and Frankie must decide whether to attend Axl's football game or Sue's first cross-country meet; after raking the yard, Brick wants to set the leaves free in the forest.
Look
what I got at practice today...
besides my braces tightening
schedule.
How can Sue's first meet be
on the same day as Homecoming?
and had to take us down a peg.
Is it? They run into the woods
and come out two hours later.
- Rock, paper, scissors. Come... Wrong.
Rock, paper, scissors.
- No. All right. Hold on.
as the big Homecoming game,
so...
Actually, sir, I think
you're supposed to drive,
Oh, don't worry
about Axl, mom.
That is so true! Aah!
So, listen,
and you'll be
really disappointed
won't be at the biggest day of my life!"
I got you an early birthday gift.
with a case of beer
and a wheel of cheese.
That out there is
a man in the making.
He organized them by color.
And just when Mike had
about given up...
but you did it. All by yourself.
Doesn't it feel good?
It really does.
but Homecoming was
a close second.
Hey!
Yeah, baby! Whoo!
Uh, yeah, sorry... The stalled
car from Ehlert motors!
You don't know, do you?
I just cheer when everyone else does.
- in the incinerator.
- What? You never said they were gonna burn 'em!
...Of the Orson varsity families.
It's kind of a big deal,
'cause my son's on varsity.
Where is she?
Mom. What are you doing here?
- But I think I'm on a runner's high now.
- Hey, listen, Sue.
I'm sorry, but I want
to cross that finish line.
Okay, you know what, Sue?
You got me.
and cuddle with me,
but your brother is just
...And now
each boy will pin his mother
He's okay. He just got
the wind knocked out of him.
Axl, sweetie, are you okay?
with my son, but it wasn't
exactly how I had pictured it.
out onto a football field if
she thinks her son is injured?
I just don't get it.
When's that kid gonna grow up?
Aired 14 years ago - Sep 22, 2010
Frankie comes up with a plan to stay on top of her kids' schedules; Brick's new teacher (Doris Roberts) accuses Frankie of being overprotective.
with a nail scissors
and a lip pencil
as you should be. Mnh-mnh.
I will fill out
What's the pediatrician's
name again?
Sue. Remember?
Maybe. Night, honey.
to change that.
Aah! There's a weird noise
coming out of my clock!
We'll start the day organized
and armed for success.
Sue Lou, I'm me, and,
Mike, you can be Bob.
Please put it in the bin and
don't use it for fake vomit.
but that thing practically
walked to the garbage itself.
Whoo-hoo!
Well, thank you for
the worst day ever.
Well, the new backpack and
I are not getting along...
We have to go talk to
Brick's teacher.
I got a freezer full of brownies,
So you're here on the
third day of school
I mean, some children
are just average.
Well, uh, we were just trying
Are we trying to convince her
And no child benefits
Okay, so the meeting with
Brick's teacher
to play around with a
teenager's sleep cycle.
For your information, Axl, I have
Personal day.
I read my book,
and I sip my juice box.
and she won't let me
whisper to myself.
So now the kid's calling the shots?
Want me to conjugate it for you?
to anything I've said!
Damn. I really liked that
pancake breakfast.
You guys are all like,
"Wake up early - we'll be better people."
I know that in May I want
to go to the Indy 500.
And that, my son,
Do you want to take
off your sweatshirt?
so you can schedule tests
around my cross-country meets?
Are you worried about me?
No! Brick...
Why would you start now? - Well, 'cause dad
told me to be smart and do what you say,
My son's best friend is in there!
Besides, the other kids
in my class seem to like
And now your 2010
cross-country team!