Orange Is the New Black

Piper gets surprising news and a boost from her friends. The jury returns with a verdict, and the big kickball game is on.

Carol and Barb prepare for war. Linda auditions inmates for a prison PR video. Alex makes a deal with Badison to keep Piper out of trouble.

Play it cool, take our time, plan it right.

Speaking of fashion, the COs will be wearing these.

-Piper. -What? I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

This baggie is the only proof I have of what Badison is doing to me.

Carol, please, we have to talk.

We've let ourselves get sloppy and weak.

Shut the fuck up! All of you, shut your fucking mouths!

Great job, Arwin. Thank you! You too!

Problem is, your girlfriend mouthed off to me in front of my crew.

that long-distance relationship shit sucks.

Recidivism.

Mmm-hmm. Yo, you wanna sit this one out? That's on you.

The Taystee that makes up spontaneous rap songs about badminton.

What you say on that stand tomorrow matters a lot.

This ain't about drugs. I need you to dirty up Chapman's record.

Do you go one on each side or is it more of an alternating suck?

Yeah. You get your shift covered, the day's all yours.

You need to stick to the script.

Wooing me with her card games and her deep-conditioning hooch.

And she got Carol 30.

That was Carol having her fun with you.

on a low-level, non-violent drug offense. Is that correct?

I'll allow it.

Uh, and even then, I never lost hope

I could use some help over here.

There's a couple of screaming babies in there

Yeah, you owe me some mouthwash, bitch.

Oh, who cares. Let him call me "Grandma" if he wants.

with the blue versus khaki, and just...

I love you so much.

Kickball game's in two days.

While Red and Carol scheme against Frieda, Suzanne watches Frieda's back. Lorna swears her allegiance to Barb as Nicky works to thwart another plot.

Aleida seizes a business opportunity. An anonymous tip sends Caputo on a stakeout. Luschek tries to help Gloria, who worries she's in danger.

We could expand our market.

Damn straight. Also bought the hoverboard.

But there is sun and air.

-May we sit here? -That would be wonderful.

Whoa, whoa, whoa...

Really? The one?

I'll read it once I get back from my hiatus.

Nuh-uh. Nope. I've seen that shit before.

Ah, yes, hi. Is this Mary from Get Ahead Head Hunters?

and have ourselves an inter-block kickball championship?

Ladies, time to pack up.

you learn how to keep yourself entertained.

Told you. Sport mindfucking is exciting.

We have to meet with Coach Emery to discuss your transitional training.

Hey, worked for Columbo.

You come here often? I just... I love this place.

What are you doing? You trying to interrogate me or something?

Aleida, honey, I'm still waiting on that tea you offered!

Do either of you play?

Sometimes I wish we could've just kept on going.

Well, first, my friends become not my friends.

Oh, I don't know. Helpful?

You wanna make a difference, Joe?

I'll make sure her girls never mess with you again.

You know what? You're not so bad, kid.

You know how much she liked to pretend-drive with Daddy.

Tell him thanks, but no thanks.

Your pupils are as wide as fucking frying pans.

Anyone who's not crazy and actually wants to win,

To sustain a successful relationship,

Um, there's the drug-running kind, the robbering kind, the tax-evading kind.

You ever heard of the Little Debbie Murderers?

I asked for a glass of ice."

While Daddy buys time with Barb, Daya looks for new ways to bring in oxy. Black Cindy's guilt takes a toll on her body. Red acquires a powerful ally.

Shall I hazard a guess?

Oh, shit! You know what song I'm thinkin' about now?

No. No! No!

You're comfortable here.

Since 11th-grade US history.

No, man. Caputo is moving, so they wanna get his testimony now.

I still got pain.

You're here now. That's what's important.

No, he's okay. He's got his colitis, but he's okay.

We're back with our new advice segment, Asking for a Friend.

They told me, with their little tiny hand-rubbing.

But it was a teachable moment for the purpose of dance.

But I got my Tia Mirna's.

It's not really a great time for me to be in the vicinity of flying balls.

A small, tiny thing that will make this place suck less.

They also savagely beat them with bullhooks.

The guilt is killing me. It's giving me stomach aches.

and now her stomach acid is punishing her because... uh, she's a selfish bitch.

Ms. Jefferson was also assigned work duty as my secretarial assistant.

Uh, I know this other place. It's called Urban Soul.

I'm telling you, it's lovely to be around people who don't judge you.

then you deserve what's coming to you?"

but today, I want to talk about the Cult of the Holy Virgin.

Not from the start, but I was brought in about halfway, yes.

I call you Diamond, be grateful.

"Those who love you will make you weep.

And Garcia the Tie-Dyed Bear.

My guru, Jolene, says that I am resting up for my next life.

I don't wanna be alone.

Feel me?

Some people think that Solange is Beyoncé's daughter.

MCC's dirt is your dirt.

Taystee gets fan mail -- and an assist from an old friend. Piper lobbies Luschek to bring back kickball. Aleida tries out a new sales tactic.

Solitude is refreshment for the soul, after all.

per the T-1 Monday to Friday schedule.

You came through with people over there, right?

Which reminds me...

and one small container of 2% milk.

-Is you cute? -I don't know. Are you cute?

my hearing is incredible now.

Tell me about it.

You need to relax, babe.

Can't keep me down. Back in the building, bitches. What?

What can I say? I can't stop losing weight.

'cause she's already in one.

but it's fairly close in a MacGyver type of way.

Nicky... what are you doing over here?

Wait, Luschek, you want more people in this class?

Oh, here.

You gotta find yourself some sad, desperate people.

People behind bars and still caught in the cross fire.

I think I realize that regrets are for people that have another choice.

and all I can do is hope for my day in court.

Especially when I am ovulating.

I'm a unicorn, I'm a unicorn...

Hmm. I'll circle back.

A little thing called Wikipedia. On the Internet.

-No offense. -None taken.

somebody stole a can of Beefaroni from my cell

Uh, I guess I rambled.

home of the new Biscuit Burger and Gravy Bundle.

And I'm watching you, all right?

You-- You bad. You one bad sister.

Yo, look at me. Would I lie to you?

Oh! Hey, hey! I'm so sorry about this, ma'am. Enjoy your visit to prison.

I am very sorry, Carol, but I didn't realize it was you who--

-You got the stuff? -Yeah. You got my sperm?

-You're sexy, you know that? -Yeah.

The straw, the spunk.

I hear that it helps the whole process if you have an orgasm during, uh...

Badison hustles to get back in Carol's good graces. Blanca longs to get pregnant -- and Nicky has a plan. Caputo and Figueroa's relationship evolves.

becoming a reality. Except, instead of being Maria,

Please? This ain't no junkie shit. I'm in a lot of pain.

Tell your girls to knock it off before I start shipping them to the SHU.

Teng, sit. Your turn to switch in.

If you need more gas, Mr. Sprang, you could use Fartison.

We can't keep leaving work every time you feel like acting like a goddamn baby!

Okay, these are my first five answers:

Plus, I got the girl. So I think that means A, nailed it.

I'm on the other side of the hill, going down. Fuck.

And then I just stopped fighting, and, all of a sudden, I felt...

Just across this and...

Should get me a hotline and go on TV. Thinkin' of switchin' my shit up again.

All right. Stop. Just stop. Stop. Listen.

"You are a bad beep mother beep. Beep.

-Yeah. -Damn! Man, I miss her.

I'm not like these locas out there.

No, Doc. Look...

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

Think about it. I'll be back in a jiff.

Now, there's a rhyme for ya.

My job will only be rewarding if I get... 60% of whatever you got in mind.

-I was tryin' to be nice. -Enough of your excuses, Murphy.

-Yeah, um... So, before I sign off-- -Come on! I gotta take a leak.

I need adrenalin. Choke me till I pass out.

Anyway, water under the bridge?

you think we can drop the tough acts for once?

I was at the concert at the St. Paul Civic Center

It made me practical and pragmatic, hardworking...

Well, your baby told me he's with C-Block.

and they are way older.

You must've put on one hell of a show, 'cause you ain't a granny or a tranny,

and you're just wishing you get back to where you were before,

You sure you wanna bring back old guards?

To each, their own. Charlize Theron.

I wouldn't waste my time, though. All the good ones for masturbation are gone.

like the name the witch gives the girl in Miyazaki's Spirited Away,

Ooh...

Hey, everybody.

Yo, it's good to see you.

I'm fine. Or, at least, I was fine until you two made me come up here.

While Daddy deals with backlash, Badison plots revenge. Flaca finds a co-host for her radio show. Lorna discovers that pregnancy has its perks.

the rats were released, and bam, money.

This is the easiest money on Earth. Look at that.

Making bank off the other white powder Americans are addicted to.

or how did they get that rat into that tiny, little orange jumpsuit?

Yeah. Two points on that.

But if it's Dr. Chin you're digging...

Yeah, well, I've seen some bitches go crazy over lemon bars.

I was wondering, could I go in front of you?

What does this stupid radio show have to do with Rec?

Oh, baby!

Don't talk like that.

Daddy, how much longer is it gonna be?

They allege that you created and maintained a secret riot bunker,

The best chance you have of seeing them again is this deal.

Ms. Jefferson, how do you plead to the charge of murder in the second degree?

Well, her voice was hotter, too.

Some other signs you can watch for are vaginal dryness

Yeah. Uh, two dollars an hour is a lot more than no dollars an hour.

-It's-- -It's a fucking surprise for the cookies.

I'm strengthening my pelvic floor to prepare for birth-giving.

Ah, but why not? The only interesting ideas are heresies!

Ah. Telma y Luisa.

Come on. That baby's gonna have great skin.

Oh, we should worry, actually.

- That's right, Daddy. - Okay. Whoa!

with you as my wife.

Oh, please. Stop being so fucking arbitrary.

How is that possible?

not some weird toe stretches.

You guys wanna do some exercise?

They have eager underlings for that.

Ignore that for now. I, uh... I will call you back.

Can I write this into our vows?

I can only give you credit for this class if you're actually participating.

Comedy gold, right here.

Vasily. Your beautiful name.

Pranksters wreak havoc on Halloween. Luschek earns points with the other guards. As Linda faces a crisis, Donuts and Pennsatucky have a change of plans.

Escaped inmate is now 40 points, but a recapture remains at five.

There you are.

I'm not normally a merlot girl, but this Napa Valley is gorgeous.

Joe is an asshole. I fucked him, too, several times.

So, what? You're just gonna turn yourself in?

Didn't you say you always wanted us to go camping together? Yeah?

Where I come from, we celebrate Halloween and Halloween only, like Americans.

All right. Mops, buckets, frowns. Let's go.

You know, I cannot say that it ends well for those involved.

"Is that really... the kind of energy I want to be putting out into the world?

Is it a prank now?

My arm killed me all night and I haven't slept.

That wasn't what I think it was, was it?

I've noticed that you always skip outside time like I do.

The Russian and the black. Like villains in a bad '80s action movie.

And you remember that this is not your home

or stuffed in a date wrapped in bacon. I took a cheese class once.

-Hey, Chapman. I saw that. -What did I do?

Make sure you yell something really mean beforehand.

You wanted to see me?

So you can either take the job and submit quietly or I could see you in court.

I think I'm gonna have to invoke finders keepers.

Uh, still want to be roommates?

I'm sorry, okay? I didn't mean to scare you.

They just... They got to make the decision to change

I mean, your ad says movers, not extortionists.

Like, help me find a good lawyer so I can fight this thing.

But it won't stick.

Oh, no, ma'am. Cleanliness is godliness.

Do it. Should I tell Daddy you refused orders?

Aleida struggles to find work on the outside. Backed into a corner, Nicky pleads her case to Red. Taystee reaches out to Caputo for help.

So, it's "false imprisonment" as opposed to...

And you're facing another 70 years in this shithole.

Say I'm an inspiration.

Every bitch that got out early ratted out somebody else.

On the positive side, that janky blonde streak you got

How's your arm?

Chapman, C107. Hoefler, you're in C210 now.

Guys, these are the guards from the camp. Absolutely should be part of the League.

Don't get your panties all in a bunch.

Like what?

Nut up, buttercup.

This place has tons of Halloween costumes. What about this one?

Did you know that when Judy Garland was in The Wizard of Oz,

Sure, or somebody that people like to beat up.

'Course not.

But I didn't do anything.

Mom, it is more complicated than that.

I think it looks great. Very Gwyneth Paltrow.

So Balaam's riding an ass...

Oh, you don't? Because you never listen to me?

Start with a compliment.

Give me a second to change gears here, okay?

So I took life.

I said shut up!

You try supplements?

I get it. Power stuff.

Maybe the afterlife is this amazing place,

Bitch skated into Florida.

I love love.

You need to help us so we can help you.

Then they finally get a chance to get away from everything

And this is the only favor you ever get from me.

I saw this article about that other riot, and they put Poussey's name in the paper.

I basically got the okay from Hopper, huh?

You humiliated me in front of everyone I know.

Shut the fuck up!

Linda makes a power play, Piper digs for information about Alex, and the women get their first taste of a decades-old feud between cellblocks.

And let's not forget my luxurious, four-day vacation at FDC Cleveland,

Oh, my God. You have a toothbrush! Sweet Jesus!

You remember, Nick, you used to drive us crazy with those songs?

You know, I've always been curious, uh, does the hourly rate...

and you're going to make an excellent trophy wife.

There's people here spent three decades waitin' to take a crack at me.

We had a deal, Care. D block gets smack and weed.

no matter what kind of freaky shit you find on the nightstand. Got it?

-Get up. Move. -All right.

-Show them they can't fuck with us. -Agreed.

Shit. It's like we in the VIP section at the club.

- Looks like you missed a spot. - I'm so sorry.

the offer's still on the...

You think I don't feel bad enough? I can't sleep at night. Everything hurts.

That guard, Piscatella... Tell them he was killed in the pool.

Right, right. Got it.

"Tall one killed in pool."

I'm going with you. Not to brag or nothing,

you'll be facing an additional 70 years.

I ran around collecting Cheetos and organizing an art installation.

Give me a break.

- Galina Reznikov? - Yes.

I don't know who the fuck killed Piscatella.

'cause I haven't blown anything since at least 2006.

No one did anything after that.

But I already spoke with them.

-Ah, she's funny, too. -I ain't falling for no more pranks.

-That doesn't sound good. -Actually, it's fantastic.

Haven't seen her since the bottom of the third.

If I did, I'd be struttin' and you know it.

Ordered to hand out harsh sentences, the feds search for scapegoats. Languishing on paid suspension, Caputo tries to break out of a rut.

Like it matters. She's the face people saw in the videos.

Oh, it's like a dinosaur! A big, black dinosaur cock!

And it would also do wonders for those bags under your eyes...

Have you seen Alex? Was she on your bus?

-Um. Sorry. -Go, bitch.

No, I can't. I have to wait till there are two to three seconds in between pops.

She's the one that started this riot in the first place.

Start from the beginning.

Wasn't sure how you take it, so I got the same as mine. Two sugars.

Oh, my God! Shut the fuck up before you get us caught!

Curtis come near me, ain't my goodie box gettin' wrecked.

You at least got gum or something?

And if you try to ignore it, it'll explode

I want to ride the Lightning Racer with you, not with Dixon.

Green Jolly Rancher. Not in a prison of the mind.

who smoked crack, had a gang that punished people for crossing her.

But we should believe when you say you didn't organize a riot.

The testimony about you ordering prisoners to torture guards?

are from 6:30 a.m. to 8:30 a.m. on Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

Me, too. I am also a member of the cult. Do we get to leave our cells?

and being like, "Damn, how'd it get to be 11:42?"

I was in the back closet with Suzanne until the Stormtroopers found us.

I understand you hating on my active lifestyle.

You have to know, dishonesty eats away at you.

Hated art thou amongst women.

You sure?

You need to figure out how to ditch that big asshole, like, really, like, now!

because that wouldn't be a problem for me.

and torture me if I didn't help her.

I bet I can still find your dick under that blue apron.

You think they were gonna throw you a parade?

-Did something happen to cancer? -Cancer's over, man.

Your fingerprints are on the murder weapon.

No. This is actually really nice.

The COs at Litchfield's maximum security unit size up the new arrivals. Off her medication, Suzanne hallucinates.

It's your favorite Soviet clown, Ryzhevolosyy!

It's pork belly! Gosh!

Thank you, Mommy, for getting that statement.

Quick. Come here. We're playing hide and seek.

It's important to work on your balance as you age.

I'm working hard on not judging myself. I invite you to join me on this journey.

Do you think that Alex got shipped out?

Not "bullet" bullets.

tries to let off a round of pepper into the ceiling.

Well, that's 'cause it ain't true.

I don't know what to say!

-I'm paid by the hour. -You're--

walk over to me, and say what you need to say.

Your favorite convert.

Yes, I will hold.

And I need a lawyer.

That'd be great. Okay. Mmm-hmm.

Do you have periods of dullness or periods of very creative thinking?

We need you better. Be brave.

Don't worry your pretty dyed blonde head about it.

I think these two need to cool down. Don't you, Garza?

Not that I didn't rock my outfit at Storky's,

you think what you want.

You got a problem with me trying to improve myself?

-So strong, too. -Suck it, Murphy.

She's breathin' but took a hard spill, and hit her head and her face.

That was my bad-ison.

You don't need to know how strong my girls are.

Is that them? Bingo.

-I can't go back there. I can't. -No.

Fuck, I think they split my kneecap.

-Tamara hit me once. -Fuck Tamara.

No, she's not seeing her mother. That's the point.