Aired 2 years ago - May 12, 2016
When Max and Caroline discover that Han is in hot water after amassing substantial debt that he cannot repay from gambling on women's tennis, the diner gang rallies to help him.
We have a plan.
It's the only time Fox
has ever aired a nipple.
'Bout yay big.
Uh, Han is not here.
If that's cash we use for
kush, I'm excited about it.
HAN: No, don't get the rat mallet!
What happened, you fell
into a tea cup again?
Something about no balls?
Oh, do send me the link
so I can select the suit
Help me, strong, big man!
But Han, that's almost interesting.
I didn't even know you played tennis.
Like when you use a black
light at a Red Roof Inn.
is the Hall and Oates catalogue.
♪ So call me maybe ♪
We understand Han has a
weakness for pleated white skirts
Look, Mr. Hwang.
We're all set, mangled genitals-wise.
I'm sure we can figure this out.
MAX: That is so cool of you.
Kim, show him your missing toes.
Hwang, what are you
gonna do with another toe?
It might take a while, I'm very picky.
HWANG: 'Cause when that toe is gone,
♪ Yes it's my last chance ♪
♪ Beside me ♪
Han needs all the height he can get.
♪ Don't leave ♪
Leaning towards helping.
♪ So let's dance ♪
RANDY: In here.
Randy, you will not believe what we did.
we bought the diner.
It's like, we spend five years
trying to get out of hell,
Wait, what is that look on your face?
but you bought the diner?
I know what'll make this all okay.
I'm still the boss.
And there must be one very
cold leopard out there.
Hey, Earl, I'm heading out.
Aired 2 years ago - May 05, 2016
When Max and Caroline need more space for their renovated dessert bar, they’re willing to do just about anything to convince Angie (Lisa Lampenelli), the brash owner of the pizza place next door, to rent them her back office.
Hubba, hubba, hot stuff.
and my dreams, too,
assuming you'll allow me
You know, we just came
from the baby doctor,
so the doctor's just a little worried.
How you gonna fit in the bar?
You got 10 inches.
Yeah, they should pay less
attention to our business
Oh, my God, Max, we need more space.
What, 'cause I'm Italian,
Which, yes, even I'm surprised about.
He says, "Right."
I just got my hair cut for
our high school reunion.
Look, Angie and Angelo,
with a slice of pizza over his junk.
Hi, I'm Angie,
I'll give yous two another week,
You just gotta figure out a
way to get on Angie's good side.
so wear a tight shirt,
Well, it is a long commute from hell.
and some delicious cupcakes.
First of all, Angie,
Max and I are so glad
I still don't have a date
for my reunion tomorrow,
Well, you're not wrong.
is a great idea.
Two fives make a ten, right?
but the customer said that
her steak shouldn't do this.
Ugh, I just scrubbed a table.
Max, it'll all be worth it
I'm dying here.
from the pizza parlor
next door needed a date
who controls the lease.
into going to that reunion with her?
Well, where are we
gonna get tacky dresses
It's Max... Blackilini.
Oh, there's Angelo
with the babe alarm going off.
You know, since you're here,
so be it.
You want that back room, make it happen.
Max, what're you doing here?
We came in second in
the dance competition.
Look, I'm sorry I lied,
Here comes Michelle Pascucci.
Unless that's not really your boyfriend.
Aired 2 years ago - Apr 28, 2016
When a law firm courting Randy for a job invites Randy and Max to dinner at a hip new restaurant, the evening veers off course when their eclectic cuisine doesn’t sit well with Max.
I will tell my trainer.
perfect families on TV like,
well, the Brady's,
And there's this girl
here I kind of like.
so you pretty much have to walk.
- I'll take that as a yes.
Didn't we blow past those week one?
It's about your future together.
It's about you and him as partners.
This is basically my apartment,
except our wild birds are alive.
Technically, it's long for "meh."
See? I talk about your accomplishments.
are you a lawyer too?
but, you know, they're
so hard to find nowadays.
Again, don't quite get it.
I know your idea of fine dining
is a ham and cheese Hot Pocket,
Lei and I are "post sex."
Now, before we begin, do either of you
Our first course is a French delicacy.
Can't wait to get that
bird foot in my mouth.
It's amazing how full
babies can make you.
'cause you need a credit card
for one of those city bikes.
Oh, that sounds so gross.
I bet it's great.
I can't believe we're here,
Love it and hate it.
Saturday morning cartoon lineup?
He's moving here to be with you.
Not as fast as I have to
get to that bathroom.
Just start with your normal volume,
CAROLINE: Restoration Hardware Modern?
Okay, they were my words.
Hey, Caroline, please. Just sit.
that time he crapped on the couch.
I'm so embarrassed!
Max, if I got used to buying
earrings at the AMPM,
I didn't even know how to react
when he moved my chair for me.
I need to disappear.
She didn't want to be
sick in front of you.
Please stop saying "clam steam."
every single thing I ate this year.
Aired 2 years ago - Apr 21, 2016
In an attempt to get to know Max’s world better, her boyfriend Randy asks to spend a night at her apartment. Also, Caroline works on getting a liquor license for their dessert bar.
Caroline, with all your
money from Hollywood,
But they did get us kicked
out of an architect's office.
see your small business.
You're not using Randy for legal advice.
I thought I was writing
an email to my brother.
our whole power dynamic.
Boy, was she surprised
to see me naked and alive.
What do you want to do now?
Fun fact: those paper towels
you see aren't actually paper,
We can eat pizza and watch dirty movies.
My mom baby-proofed our house for me.
Are you referring to sex-calibur?
I'm good, I had a massage.
Did you just say
"grayest" or "greatest"?
You look like you're in a lot of pain.
Max, I have insurance.
I'm Carrie! I'm Carrie at the prom!
I thought he was here
for a sensible pantsuit
We need a good doctor,
You know, I cleaned up
some PPO right there.
and sit down?
The exact amount of time
Caroline's shower took.
Do you also want to be pinned
to that albino's sack, Caroline?
Did some shopping after you left the ER.
And not even a whisper
of Vicodin for old Maxie.
I had a time-share with Sean Penn.
It's how I wound up living
two years in someone's shed.
And that lady at table four ordered
Well, can you make yourself throw up?
But we're illegal subletters!
I'll start packing!
You saddle up Chestnut.
I called the landlord about a nail,
Thanks a lot.
It's like I'm in a relationship
We just ignore it, like
the rain in my bedroom.
Hand me my fluids.
No, no, you listen!
Okay, that's it.
and you're not getting kicked out.
The word "lawyer" makes
people crap their pants.
Thank you so much, Randy.
Aired 2 years ago - Apr 14, 2016
When the girls decide to look for a larger space for their dessert bar, Han sets them up with Evie, a real estate agent who has a crush on him. Also, Max is on the fence when Randy surprises her at the diner hoping to patch up their relationship, so she tells Caroline to decide for her.
for what I've got dangling.
I saw the subject heading
was "cool stools,"
of your ex-boyfriend on your phone?
Be-stop be-talking right now.
That smell's how I find
my way to work every day.
Good to see you.
I guess I'll have the sloppy... job?
That one, sadly, is spelled right.
and his body and his
since I accidentally clicked on
a "big, beautiful women" porn.
Max, that never really happened, right?
and finally, the popcorn
that needs no introduction,
All right, he obviously
knows your sweet spot
What, does Randy have, like,
a team of writers
Oh, yeah, well...
Hey, I think it's following the salami!
Or sober for more than an hour.
And I know I am very curious
about the natural light in here.
And one wants to take me on a cruise.
(speaking native language)
The problem is that she's
from a very conservative family,
I'm confused... she wants be a virgin,
This is a conversation you
need to have with a man.
I need help putting
something in my trunk.
Max, where were you?
What, you never heard of that?
Okay, and they say I'm the loud one.
Okay, sure. Outside stuff, got it.
since I helped my friend
Okay, you know what?
I used to date pros and cons.
full-fledged AAA member since 1998.
'Cause it kind of sounds
like I'm on trial.
I thought of another pro for Randy.
Evie found a small place in
Brooklyn she wants you to see.
ever thought you'd be.
Sophie, what's a
seven-letter word for... oh, hell.
Oh, you got a job?
Well, I want my day in court.
I need to make sure
that I can trust you
Well, I did say that...
- Well, I...
- Answer the question!
if you think a relationship can work.
Aired 2 years ago - Apr 07, 2016
When the girls go to prison to see Caroline’s father, Martin, perform in a musical, they tell him their plan to use Caroline’s movie money to convert their cupcake window into a dessert bar.
We give the bakers a sealed
envelope with the sex.
You were either a boy
What's with all the
miniature liquor bottles
for my idea on how to
spend the $250,000.
Which is sweet, delicious,
"Let's call Home Depot
and ask if they have caulk."
I know I'm either at Max and Caroline's
Neither did my mom,
which is how I became
and put a gun to your head,
We're seeing an understudy?
♪ And there's no parole ♪
♪ And nobody calls ♪
♪ On our baaaaaalls ♪
♪ 25 to liiiiiife ♪
and we'll be back with the second half.
♪ Steel bars ♪
And this other envelope
I use as a makeup bag.
Who's playing me in your movie, hon?
I'll admit business has been slow.
That is a fantastic idea, ladies.
Wanted to ditch the square, huh?
Yeah, but you had the
dessert bar idea, right?
She could never be happy doing
this whole baking business,
But she said she was happy
about the dessert bar.
where they have to be
really stern with Carol Anne
I'm just making Sophie's gender cake.
why don't you go get me
the gender envelope?
and I don't know where it is.
The $250,000 I'm bringing to the table,
I've been holding you back?
Well, this is a historic event.
If my hair gets involved, we are done.
That's the headline you go with, Eddie?
All right, well, here you go.
Why does every single
person keep telling me
if you want a tennis court.
Go like this.
Well, that's the hardest thing
I've had to take in all day.
Look, I'm sorry. Sorry.
Are you sure you didn't tell your dad
I did count them. There were seven.
Aired 2 years ago - Mar 31, 2016
The girls’ Hollywood adventure continues as Caroline signs away the rights to her life story so it can be turned a movie. Also, Max is heartbroken when Randy breaks up with her via his therapist, Elliot, and Caroline rents a party bus in an attempt to cheer her up.
We are not taking a party bus.
Do I have spinach in my teeth?
Max, do you think Randy
invited me to dinner
but that's mostly
because I was hitchhiking.
Max, you know you
don't have to eat candy
'cause I only shaved up
to the bottom of my dress.
Hello, I'm Elliot Charles.
Oh, I'm not here in a sexual capacity.
Look, Max... Elliot?
the ripping-the-Band-Aid-off technique.
I think people would
benefit a lot from the book.
I am just gonna go,
because the last time
I can't move any faster.
I've been tied to a different chair.
Okay, okay, remember that party bus
You're getting two poles
for the price of one.
I can hose it down.
Max, please, you have
to put Randy behind you.
We'd make a right at that
super ripped homeless guy,
I want him to face you
without that lame therapist.
Up there on the left.
Bert, open the door. I'm going out.
Oh, that's the smartest
thing Caroline's done
Oh, well not from where I'm sitting.
Is there someone else?
You're married? You're gay?
Because you like me too much?
'cause it smells like
it looks in here, right?
Sophie, we have to be at
the airport in an hour.
A little depressed, Sagittarius?
These spirits don't lie.
like this right now.
Well, he's crushed.
Hey, I'm on your side.
Aired 2 years ago - Mar 10, 2016
As Max pet-sits Randy’s dog, Bruno, and Caroline sets up meetings with actresses who are interested in playing her in the potential biopic, Bruno escapes while a cannibalistic serial killer is loose in their neighborhood.
I licked a cantaloupe's armpit.
'Cause this sage is really popping off.
is that my aura is filthier
or Jennifer Lawrence will
think this is my vibe.
Yeah, also, "Eat apples, meditate,
I'm as sweet as the sugar substitute
You know what?
That was fast. What a star.
Yeah, and that's not on my list.
This is her assistant
Tiesha. Please hold.
She married Eddie Murphy.
Okay, so unfortch J Law
got swarmed by the paps
We're so close I can see the
"ho" of the Hollywood sign.
Oh, you have nothing to worry about.
since I saw him licking
his own balls every day.
I can't get a signal.
What's your Wi-Fi password?
Who's Daddy's big boy? Yes.
Behind the hedge down the hill
near this big cactus and... ow!
I am looking down on all of LA.
And I'm hoping talking about it
blowing. Stop blowing.
Max, I know I said this
at the airport Arby's,
And watch this. Television...
You don't even have to blow it up.
and, Max, I have to say,
Leave us be! We're just trying to live!
Uh, there's a serial
killer on the loose.
Khloe Kardashian is feeling the burn.
in a city long overdue
for an earthquake.
The hills are so exclusive.
I came all the way here to tell you.
I don't know.
that she can't get to me.
Sounds like a trailer
for a Liam Neeson movie.
If you still have a face.
I'm sure he's in here somewhere.
Like men here do with wives.
- We need to find the dog.
- But it's getting dark
Max, you've been with him four days.
And I'll go get it.
Usually, I have to push their face away.
Oh, my God, I did.
Oh, my God, he has a knife.
we can throw ourselves off the O.
You are surrounded! Put your hands up!
Aired 2 years ago - Mar 03, 2016
Caroline continues meeting with studio writers in an effort to make her life story into a movie, but she is torn when they reveal they would not portray Max in the project. Also, Max is being spoiled by her new Hollywood beau, Randy, who sets Caroline up on a date with his friend, Bob.
My boobs are down here.
You really like this guy.
not just some lady who falls
out of her tube top on "Cops."
My healer had to cancel.
[knocking on door]
I only date models.
not that you're not fun and fabulous.
- It would really be better if...
- I wasn't here.
You ever heard of it?
We don't have to do that
"jigga jigga damn" thing.
Jennifer Lawrence wants to play me?
I've sat next to people
before at dinner.
Did you get to meet the host,
I want to say Alex Sajack?
How about I buy you a lifetime
supply of Rice-A-Roni?
[cheers and applause]
- Bob, meet Caroline Channing.
- Nice to meet you.
I think you mean the time the
Stones did heroin with Bob.
Anybody want to do a little blow?
Toot, toot. The train is leaving.
Unless you're a woman.
You girls like a sister
act or something?
It's just, there's so much story.
Hey, I've been cut out of
a lot of life stories,
Yeah, we're gonna take off
before the next story, Bob.
and for six months after that.
When it comes to the movie,
I pulled out.
and I thought, ♪ I want my baby back ♪
Give me that.
Mother. I have to call you back.
I'm... breaking... up aah... ahh...
Okay, how's this?
- 20 minutes.
- Step out of line.
My Bob never knows when I'm faking it.
There would also be no armed
guards at HomeTown Buffet.
with the epi pen.
All right, screw it.
Oh, gosh, carpool and fluffernutter...
I know. I wonder who I'll go home with.
and I found a series of Home
Alone-style traps in my office,
I don't know. A guy who
kind of looks like a girl?
Aired 2 years ago - Feb 25, 2016
Max tags along with Caroline as she travels to Los Angeles on a film studio’s dime to discuss the idea of making her riches-to-rags life story into a movie. While there, Max loses her luggage but finds a new crush.
That's really amazing of you.
I can play a gay dad, a gay executive,
- Lawrence, I'm confused.
- About what?
who wants to have an "impromptu
private meeting" here.
so why are we still stuck out here?
But Claude is
hands-down-my-pants the gayest.
- Ooh, Claude? Are you Claude?
I'm with her. We're here together.
Oh, I know.
You're really putting
it all right out there.
Is that the adoption agency?
She met this really cute guy...
Hey, Max, how hung was his jury?
No, we went on a hike this morning.
What, like, an entertainment lawyer?
that was scheduled for 20 minutes ago,
I've never seen you hope for anything.
I'm running behind, so
you need to order me lunch.
It fell down from my hair.
But right now, this is Sophie.
Okay, I have 45 minutes.
and I should keep trying
to have my own baby?
Quick refresher: lost my billions
I'll have my office call you tomorrow.
Quan, set them up with
another appointment tomorrow.
Well, as I said on my
first day of kindergarten...
Did we switch bodies
when we switched clothes?
Wow, even apologizing in LA is healthy.
Yes, for about another month.
I could have just seen a Kevin Hart movie.
I need to fix something for my friend.
And, of course, it's vegan, no dairy.
aside from the time the
Red Cross gave us coffee.
Perry, what's happening here?
Max, hold up.
That's all Stamos, baby.
Aired 2 years ago - Feb 18, 2016
Caroline shares her riches-to-rags life story on stage at a storytelling night and captures the attention of a Hollywood studio executive. Meanwhile, Sophie and Oleg search for a surrogate.
Yeah, doing it the other
way was taking longer
He kind of pursued me pretty hard.
which one of your friends
had a stepfather
So by now I was in high school.
I get ripped off by another guy.
I got dance-pantsed.
My strokes are mine.
'Cause I feel like I heard,
like, a question mark
I know, that was pretty real.
you leave it all on the stage.
and how my truths make me feel.
I'm sorry, but did all
that really happen to you?
N... no. No.
Or a person who would come here twice.
than a long-term lease, so...
Look at all these woman
trying to get pregnant.
Max, I've been working on
my life story for the show.
I've never told the story
about the day I lost my money,
These aren't customers, silly.
Boy, I was way off.
I mean, what the hell?
I've been a surrogate 12 times.
Are you sure you can't spend
more than $200 on this thing?
You got mustard on my life story?
but I'm open to your ideas.
Okay, all through this first section,
Hasn't she been through enough?
It was as if she was giving me
permission to tell her story.
and yet, here I am.
Where's that waitress going?
You look beautiful,
She is truly a beauty.
That used to mean something special,
I don't need to look at this.
Lip-synching to Ludacris
at a stoplight!
Well, she threw away a perfectly good
who I believed in more than anyone,
If she doesn't say "virginity,"
I am leaving.
We got to sneak her out the back door.
Oh, here come the waterworks!
or whatever's in here keeping me alive.
That's why there's Adele.
Aired 2 years ago - Feb 10, 2016
Max and Caroline sign up to be “booth babes” in order to get into a huge gaming convention for free. Once inside, they’re shocked to see that Han’s friend has created video game characters based on them, and demand compensation.
Its own bedroom?
are doing better than old Caroline too?
Here are your fries.
The hot girls need something from the nerds
Well, puberty's a challenging time, Han.
would be a step down for us.
Like a sexy Jehovah's Witness.
our vaginas for a gift bag?
It's just so degrading to
parade around in short skirts
It's like having sex with a guy on Prozac.
or everyone will see my PlayStation.
I think we're supposed to dance like that.
we are still so much cooler than you.
of those bad decisions.
who's watching your
Actually, my avatar asked
I could be the Don Juan of Game Con.
Oh, my God, Max.
I'm just gonna put this down.
it's probably into an old sock.
after you're compensated for
Ned stealing your likeness.
Oh, my God, Death Bitch.
so I will pay your friend to play Amorta
We stand to make millions
if we take you to court.
And it tickles.
Uh, I had to bring down
some basic necessities.
I've been waiting for
this day my whole life,
You'd be able to afford a hotel room?
You must kill anything that moves.
That thing looks just like Caroline.
Oh, no, no way.
Ah, Caroline can't stop pooping!
That I dress like that and
take pictures with nerds?
Right this way.
Hey, Yak Girl, come on out. Time is money!
Death Bitch, say your catchphrase.
Will you just let me enjoy this?
Max, hide me.
Aired 2 years ago - Feb 03, 2016
When Max reconnects with an old friend, Caroline’s jealousy inspires her to try to make some new friends of her own.
Nice meeting you, Brandi.
"This show's still on?" to no one.
but two wedding albums.
Oh, no, please.
Motivating me to look at
resumes on monster.com?
Do you have more teeth than me?
I would be ignored by the waitstaff.
and owned 3/4 of an island.
I'm busy tomorrow night
because I'm going to your party!
Me too. Becky just left.
who were super driven and focused.
Oh, so it's a cult.
I could be in a cult for the weekend.
I'm Topher. From the bus.
Hey, Caroline, I'm so glad you could come.
more of a shout from a convertible.
I also thought peanuts never
touched the eggs at the diner,
Elaine, this is Caroline,
to be a woman.
Except for cashews.
Let's have some mutual eye contact.
I'd like us to recite our mantra.
Everyone, close your
eyes and quiet the mind,
I'm not going anywhere
Do you mind?
back into the room
Did anything come up for
you during the sound bath?
I know this probably all
seems like a lot of hooey,
It'll be like staying at a B and B
And the rest of the satay just came up.
Caroline, where are you?
'Cause unless that bag's
full of marital aids,
in a healing way?
he can just step aside so we can, you know,
Siri, remind me to patent a gong bong.
Do either of those NS stand for nachos?
Caroline, do you have any
idea who this N.N. could be?
makes me feel a little "less than."
Wait a minute.
with her wisecracks and wordplay.
Aired 2 years ago - Jan 27, 2016
When Earl is not invited to play with his old jazz band at their reunion show, Max and the diner gang join forces in order to get him back on stage performing.
so you can poke me real good.
Uh... this is a little awkward, but Sophie,
to show you your first lady butt.
You always go straight to dead, Max.
Caroline and I were on the cover last week.
breakfast all day at McDonald's.
Mm-hmm. We were hot.
- Where'd you get that?
- I went down the street
who has a chance to make it.
If I own one.
Was there ever a moment
when you wanted to be quiet?
That moment's over.
Well... if it isn't
- Of Earl?
- You know, Earl.
Your Ear... Well, I
prefer not to go to jail
Everybody calm down, take a beat.
Hold my hoops again!
Earl is more than just a cashier.
I can't believe that Earl would end up
"high off his ass" or "not in the room."
You're playing at the club!
and came back with your hoops and hair.
But thanks, girls. It
would have been really nice.
Max, if you put this
much effort into our life,
How's it feel?
Or else I talked to that picture.
and my pacemaker on cruise control.
Earl with a couple of
18-year-old white girls.
I must say, you look...
Ruby, just putting it out there...
You always said the junk gave you the funk.
I was good at a lot of
things with you, Ruby.
Admit it... everyone hates jazz, right?
That's your whole night in Secaucus!
Who are you, my mom?
Now, I know you're all here
for The Early Birds tonight,
In my mind, I was running so fast.
You gotta go up and buy us some time
Earl will be out in a hot second.
- Then let's just go.
- Damn it, Earl!
Sometimes when the crickets
start chirpin' down South
That is one cool cashier.
Aired 2 years ago - Jan 20, 2016
Oleg’s pro-basketball playing cousin comes to town to play a game against Max’s favorite team and gifts her with two free tickets, but chaos ensues when the girls interfere with the game and risk ruining their cupcake business’ reputation in the process.
Or you can follow me into
the bathroom while I change,
If Periscope is such great PR,
I still maintain that
Periscoping will be great
They were able to get the raspberry stains
I didn't get an alert on my phone.
that says you can spin sperm
to get rid of the bad stuff.
Well, I'm gonna spin that jazz
And you're one tall drink of yak's milk.
I'm in town for a game against Brooklyn.
It's almost spring.
I'm sorry. I'm out.
But, Max, what about our plans?
once I threw away the
Anne Hathaway forehead.
and brush his teeth while he's sleeping?
Oh, you know what?
but not tonight.
I haven't been this winded since I climbed
his criminal trial.
This finger's been in
her box out in the car.
Come on. It's not that bad.
Ooh! How much?
That's the difference between us, Max.
All right. Sorry, ladies.
and that's why we're late to the game,
Let me just find them in here.
We are so close,
And they brought Blue Ivy!
She sees me every time
she looks to the left,
Fran Drescher's here?
I did manage to get that
flier to Blue Ivy's people.
This is where the 17th best
team in the league gets naked!
You know what else is so us?
I was wondering the same
thing about Tim Allen.
Aired 2 years ago - Jan 13, 2016
When Caroline’s grandmother Astrid awakens from a coma with no knowledge of her family’s massive money scandal, Caroline attempts to keep the truth hidden for a bit longer by giving Astrid one last fancy luncheon.
How much money do you think we're getting?
I'm just gonna say it.
Right here is where we had
our 14-foot Christmas tree.
And is this your same-sex partner?
But that was just a single dingle.
I've missed you so much.
The one you're going to throw
Oh, Grammy. This is my friend, Max.
I'll take a tall glass of agua, por favor.
Grammy, a lot has changed
since I lost all my...
Oh, I thought that's just
how British people fart.
And what's worse is you have
to tell her she's lost all hers.
Oleg's gonna ask Han for a raise again.
and he slathers butter on my biscuit.
"Straight Outta Compt-han"?
Oleg, you're not getting a
raise just because Sophie can act
I just love this tasty tortellini.
Thank you for tonight's nightmare.
Looks like mustard and ketchup had a fight
Here's her guest list.
Max, I have to give her the
one thing that she wants.
Thank God Sophie had that maid outfit.
You want me to change into a
Chanel suit behind this screen?
I don't think so.
Maria, I need help with my hair.
You get one of those, and that was it.
Sneaks up on you.
Maria! Look alive.
I got bored.
It's from the Bordeaux region.
Maria, forks, now.
Caroline, this sauce is delicious!
Where's your john?
Oh, you know.
I thought it was one of Astrid's bones.
I'll go. To wherever Maria lives.
Would anyone buy that I had plans?
Actually, yes, I am.
Aired 2 years ago - Jan 06, 2016
Max is both puzzled and curious when the new guy she is dating expresses hesitations about intimacy because he is “not regular down there.” Also, Sophie and Oleg struggle to get pregnant.
I'll call you tomorrow. We'll do something.
He said he gotta be at work early.
The one that won't have sex with me!
you wouldn't be home and I'd be sad.
Yeah, well, you'll have it again.
Going down and up at the same time.
And she's not pointing fingers at anyone,
I'm ready for you to set
me up with your friend.
Oh, no! Am I dead too?
For future reference, I'm more of a
So... you take me to dinner,
to be able to trust each other,
well, I'm not regular down there.
Max, something's wrong in the kitchen.
I don't know.
I'm not over it "nyet."
Here. Let's practice.
Say Coney Island, say Coney Island.
but that's gonna be a hard "no" from me.
and maybe change into this paper gown
Italian, sushi, whatever
you're in the mood for."
Hang on; I got an idea.
I'll take a water if we're getting stuff.
because there's something wrong with me?
I'll be fine.
Hope you like white wine.
I did. Thank you.
- I know.
the parking brake on our house didn't work.
Was that an A, kiss good-bye?
and go straight to dessert.
when you thought there was one Michelle,
Now I'm on the phone with Sophie.
Well, Max, I guess he's not the one...
At least Owen's is right out there
Max, I think it's great you were able
Oh, I thought that was the bad news.
Aired 2 years ago - Dec 17, 2015
Han believes his diner employees are not working together as a team, so he insists they all attend a mandatory night out at the Escape Room Club. Once the diner gang are locked inside the "Alice In Wonderland" themed Escape Room, they learn Han has ulterior motives.
Is there a class I can take?
Okay, you should have $800
825? The rent is 850.
You've been overcharging me rent?
what else have you not been
telling the truth about?
That's because I sleep in the living room.
20 warnings, then it's a dead issue.
"Sat in booth an hour
before anyone talked to me.
Caroline C. from here says,
So no one cares that
when that trucker
borrowed me for three days.
Oh no, this isn't one of those escape rooms
What? Us beating the crap out of you?
Y'all are volunteering to
be locked up in a tiny room?
you'd be back in Korea.
How do you... What do you...
Oh, well, I'm gonna read mine anyway.
Do I have to escape from this too?
It takes a lot to shock... Aah!
than Paula Deen on Dancing with the Stars.
Sophie, you can't be here right now.
I'm feeling angry, scared,
and both of Max's boobs.
Hey, I'm starting to like this now.
Wow, you're no whoever that guy is, Oleg.
There are 26 letters in the alphabet.
Wait, in Einstein's famous formula E=mc2,
Sophie and I only watch
the hard-core porno version.
I think it's the same guy as before.
What rhymes with "kick in the crotch"?
It's what Earl's doing right now.
This Groupon has already paid for itself.
Dongs. The answer is dongs.
Schwarzenegger's is big, Fox's is small.
getting ripped off by my roommate.
All right, FYI,
You've got 15 minutes.
It's 45 that you lack.
The fat twins?
if I have to see Oleg so
much as honk one of her boobs,
Okay. I am sorry.
This is a bigger bust than Max's future.
Ooh, I'm next!
Okay, I'm gonna be real
honest with you right now.
Okay, Oleg, now it's time.
Aired 2 years ago - Dec 10, 2015
The cupcake shop is boycotted after the girls refuse to sell cupcakes to an artist who wants to put cocktail weenies in them.
I am simply I, and I cannot be labeled.
I like to think of us
more as an Ike and Tina.
on 8th Street.
But who wants to be surprised
by a little weenie?
You're not my advisor at The New School.
People are gonna see our adorable labels
who bought my kids.
He is right here. Bag it!
Oh, I see what this is.
I think Kathy Bates is really mad at us.
You went on Tinder?
Well, preschooled us.
Reminds me of my Aunt Schmirna.
who didn't want to serve a
member of the LGBTQ community.
The gays are steaming mad.
Yeah, and good luck
shopping for dog clothes.
I look like Donald Trump
Bad news: they're aggressively
protesting your cupcake shop.
No cake equals hate.
Hey, all right, come on now.
This little business is our dream.
♪ I dreamed that love would never die ♪
No cake equals hate.
I'm gonna go talk to
them, set them straight.
I'm gonna open this window
and tell them to screw off.
and that one day she'd pick me up
I'm a bit of a chick magnet.
Oh, I'm not a little person.
Hi. Excuse me.
would have the back door covered.
Is there a Mrs. L.L.Bean?
We're in town for a
convention on Sunday.
The Brawny paper towel guy
just saved our asses.
for the leader of our family,
Good afternoon, family.
Um, I think there might be one more F
wholesomely, of course, for the family.
Don't be shy. You two girls went up
Every night this week,
I have wept in the arms
Come close so I can present you
I'm streaming a little in my pants
the scientists, the hop-hop lovers,
Aired 2 years ago - Nov 26, 2015
The girls run into Caroline's newly engaged ex, Candy Andy, and Caroline offers to make his wedding cake. Later, when she sees Andy's seemingly perfect relationship and how he supports his fiancée's career, she wonders if she should have stayed with him.
It's just I'm not very
good at seeing my exes.
We aren't still at the diner.
Actually, I'm looking for a flower shop.
The one that brought her back to TV?
You two getting back together again?
In fact, it's our wedding gift to you.
You guys are gonna watch my
butt as I walk away, right?
And two, are you insane?
Is your tongue working?
would love to meet us to
talk about wedding cakes
I also deleted my number.
It's business. I broke up with him.
My baby was delivered today.
Wow, you can really get anything on Amazon.
Strangely, this is not the weirdest birth
And if we get a score of over 92,
Okay, Max, wash your fancy sweatpants.
I noticed there was a door on the bathroom.
for my meals.
Andy, they don't want to see my hats.
Caroline, you broke up with me.
Oh, it looks adorable on
her. You should have it.
Oh, that is a great idea.
Hey, there will be a lot
Come on. It'll be fun.
Our perfect cake for our perfect marriage.
Oh, there he is.
He has such nice hands. Big hands.
Oh, wait. That's a good thing.
Uh, do you have a bathroom? Oh!
by breaking up with you?
Would you consider being
Go live your life. I wish you well.
No, I don't want you to see me cry.
- We need it.
Romy's, like, loaded now.
having very sloppy sex with later,
Aired 2 years ago - Nov 19, 2015
When the shower at Max and Caroline’s apartment breaks, they get part-time jobs at a fancy gym’s juice bar and enjoy free use of the locker room. However, their jobs and free showers are jeopardized when Caroline has a run-in with a group of rich moms who are jealous of the attention she’s getting from a sexy trainer.
gets to be inside you for nine months.
Yeah, but the G doesn't stand for 'Gina.
Max, what are we gonna do
without a working shower?
so I can make it to my
ideal body workout.
but last month they littered in Korea,
why didn't you tell me a
shower could be this good?
While you were meeting
water for the first time,
And, uh, don't forget my new hat.
because Harlow ate a jar of Play-Doh."
you're talking about?
'Cause it's like your booty
just instinctively knew
Did you forget we're doing
30 days of sweaty selfies?
No, and we bought him a car.
a one-day pass, and it doesn't fly,
How high are you right now?
Swipe, swipe, swipe.
Yep, and everything about
me is healthy and green.
Aw, look at that. I'm
really proud of her, girls.
I love it, yeah.
Yeah, you can't take it anymore.
He's all we have.
about your discount yoga pants.
Hey, ladies, look.
but I guess showered Max
doesn't have it in her.
Now where's ginger?
Well, man up. I'm balls deep in
three gut busters over here.
After class, you relieve me.
Oh, you want this?
Hey, mami, I just heard
those two rich moms
Feel that nice long stretch.
Good, now try and hold it.
That's right, Caroline.
I finally found something
to make me feel good
Those two moms didn't do anything.
How about I buy you ladies
each a Sex on the Peach?
You tooted. Floated an air biscuit.
You mess with the bull,
Wanna design a juice for me?
It's my father's Ponzi
scheme all over again.
so I'm gonna have to let these
two rich bitches have it.
Aired 2 years ago - Nov 12, 2015
Max and Caroline team up with the diner staff in a frantic attempt to keep their businesses open when the city targets Han's diner and their cupcake window for destruction. Also, Sophie and Oleg announce that they are trying to have a baby.
Can you believe he's
telling his entire tour
Who the hell does that
dickweed think he is?
Kentucky Fried Chicken now comes
but my boobs are really, really sore.
Uh, not in Poland.
down a flight of stairs
every time I have a hunch.
or... Anderson Cooper.
Forget this Ye Olde Williamsburg place.
I'm not a violent person,
and full disclosure,
Hi, we need to talk to you.
I can't believe they're replacing us
to attend an emergency meeting
tonight at the diner.
You ate my PPTs?
and I lost my cheaters
and Oleg's not upstairs.
I'm pretty sure I got the worst of it.
but maybe you should
manage your expectations.
Hashtag, just asking for a friend.
Exactly how old do you think I am?
but I've aged since this started.
We'll just wait for one
more business to arrive
Yeah, we're Smiley Time Daycare.
But this is about so
much more than business.
Impressive. It's like Tony Robbins
- All right!
to join my diner family
at that public hearing
Dollars? I could live in India.
And commissioner, you don't know me,
Max, I'm gonna ask you
a serious question
with her knees.
Well, at least you won't have
to listen to that annoying
right next to those two bitches.
Down to the city archives.
Either that, or I've been shot.
I've worked at that diner since 1989,
of his brief affair with
comedian Nipsy Russell's wife.
I can't. The judge knows me
You're a lady judge.