Aired 2 years ago - May 18, 2015
Max and Caroline are tasked with retrieving Sophie’s wedding dress from customs and safely transporting it to the church in time for her big wedding.
Stop comparing your dogs to my kid.
so all I have to do is store the rest of the cord you bought.
The place looks absolutely wonderful, Lorelai. When does it open?
Kirk's lucky to have found you, Lulu.
- I got to show you this mincing. Seriously
Well, maybe the test run will break a couple of them,
- Oh! So is he coming? Luke's coming?
- Is he not supposed to?
Look at how he chopped these onions.
Well, your timing is perfect, 'cause I went to the store yesterday.
He just showed up at my dorm on Saturday night.
- What did he want?
- He wanted me to come away with him.
to have this guy show up out of the blue and want to take you away with him.
- It's part of why he's cute. He's unpredictable.
- I guess.
Hey, she's a piratey soul, full of vinegar and glitter,
Oh, no, no, no, no, no way
Of course about Luke. Did you notice anything different?
What's your damage, Heather?
Was it a fast dance, slow dance, group dance?
Nothing. We spent the evening together. We danced, he walked me home,
- That sounds like dating to me.
- But maybe he didn't mean it as a date thing.
When you're with Luke, you are with Luke.
- If it isn't rabbit, then what is it?
- It's duck.
Oh, well, Grandma, I don't really know what I'm doing this summer yet,
That's right, Rory's mother was just marveling at the "hey, look over here" approach to the invitation.
I forgot to mention, we're doing a test run at the inn this weekend.
- Twenty years.
- Twenty years, wow.
Grandma and Grandpa are coming to the test run together.
So, inviting them to stay in the inn is going to do what?
I need to talk to you.
Anyhow, I'm a little concerned about this invitation, because...
- Night terrors?
- Basically, I freak out at beddy-bye.
- Because it was a bomb.
or swimming in the community-center pool completely naked.
That way, if you hear anything -- screaming or Russian --
- Relax, I'm trying to track them down.
and every single person I hired is fantastic. We're doomed.
- Terrific. I'll tell the wife.
Oh, Lorelai, the babies that are going to be conceived on this property!
Aired 2 years ago - May 11, 2015
Max and Caroline help launch the new branch of The High at JFK airport, and Sophie discovers that Oleg may have an ulterior motive for wanting to marry her.
You should see all the boisterous high-fiving going on all around me. It's sad.
Just one more final to go, then you'll be free.
and I never know where we stand on the Jessometer. I've been seeing him.
you don't need to call me eight different times to tell me. That's clearly overdose.
Run up, tell him I love him, then run away really fast -- a taste of his own medicine.
Lorelai, I need your signature on this, please.
Jack LaLanne. I just googled him. Hi, Cletus.
figure no one's doing anything about it and do something.
- Who's the lucky girl?
- I'm getting back together with my girl from back home.
- This is my boyfriend, Chester Fleet.
- Oh, hi, Chester. I've heard a lot about you.
Everyone poured all the alcohol they had left into a bowl and that's what's in the cup.
- I'll honor you.
- Isn't it a great keepsake?
I don't care what people say.
Please. They were singing the lumberjack song at the top of their lungs.
Please, don't feel sorry for me. I'm fine.
Well, do you still have the big door knockers -- metal with the chipped red paint?
I'm sorry for laughing. I'd explain if I could.
She's your only child. I know you miss her. She misses you.
except, like, tigers, but they're retarded.
I'm so sorry this got dumped on you, but the turkey leg guy knew
- I need to get some batteries. I'll be back.
- Jess! Jess! Come over here and meet my oldest friends.
- Shake it, doll, shake it.
- No, don't shake it in here.
Keep the change.
It's "Blossom Deary." You don't like it?
Any friends left behind to keep you company -- girlfriends, boyfriends?
- Where'd you say Dad was?
- In Philadelphia.
I didn't know how much detail you wanted to hear.
- Dad hates raspberries.
- No, he doesn't.
If you're being attacked from the east, attack whoever's to your west,
You mean, did I hear guys in the background saying, "Get your Philly cheesesteak here?"
Well, who called Groton?
Does that doorbell run on electricity? 'Cause that's eating up money, too.
Graham's family and ours go way back. I remember this young man in diapers.
Graham mentioned that he and his group were going out tonight to celebrate.
You're something else, you know that?
and she's smiling kind of weird, begin evasive maneuvers immediately.
- You got a piece of paper?
I look down to look at my bottom half. I don't need a mirror to do that.
- I need the bathroom.
- Just hold on.
Aired 2 years ago - May 04, 2015
Max and Caroline’s attempt to break Nash into the modeling business comes to a screeching halt when his mother arrives from Ireland to retrieve her son.
It's 5:00 in the morning. Make coffee at your own house.
Maybe if you drank a little less coffee, you'd make a little less lists.
and also, I'm telling the plumbers that there's no water pressure in rooms 10, 12, and 15.
- The place isn't stressful.
- It's not?
How can you be so mean to me when I only managed to line one of my eyes?
Oh. Well... thanks.
I want a desk and a chair and a bell.
- But you used glue. I thought with a banister...
- Oh, are you gonna kibitz?
Hey, you want to see the kitchen? The stove is a thing of beauty.
Michel likes me better. Talk! Just talk!
She's trying to set me up with Shel, the poultry guy?
Because they know I'm a loser and I'm destined to be alone.
All this sad talk is putting a serious damper on my stressing.
Absolutely not. Political writing confronts your assumptions.
to triumph above youthful omniscience, so for today,
What, is he taking confession or something? You can't go.
There's now travel involved and as soon as news of the trip gets around,
Will you just let me scan the book?
And not compromised, stifling, soul-killing love, but open, honest, life-affirming love.
how to say, "hey, pal, you're worth it.
I'll bet you felt ridiculous. Some of you may even have been incapable of saying it at all.
Oh. The wire snapped. I can fix it.
I know, but Jackson has some concerns about the zucchini crop,
- I can't!
- So why would you say you could?!
- That's nice, Lindsay. That's real nice.
- Whatever, Dean.
I wonder if anyone's ever kicked an audiotape's ass.
Lizzie, I don't know. How am I doing?
- Okay, you gotta slow down here.
- No way. You slow down and you die.
- Oh, sure, if you want me to.
- Want you to? Of course I want you to.
- very classy for the wedding.
- T.J., come on.
Well, we're gonna have the ceremony right out there in the square.
- The court jester.
- Yes, the court jester.
I do believe I heard a knock and someone yelling, "turndown service."
Well, every time I started watching something that I thought you would like,
So how's everything at the inn coming along?
Aired 2 years ago - Apr 27, 2015
Max and Caroline try to break Nash into the modeling business in an effort to bring in extra money acting as his managers. Also, Sophie and Oleg attempt to keep celibate for 30 days before their wedding.
This works out great then,
because it's not for you.
You know our oven doesn't work, right?
Well, if he's handling Han's hose,
I've got a date with the Land
O'Lakes butter package lady
Those ladies looking at him
like he's a senior special
Why can't you just accept that we are stuck
You know, here.
It's not like I can just call Tyra Banks.
It's her, her, and her.
I would've told the youth
pastor I was married to,
Fine, you handle it.
The FBI just gave me my
camera back last week.
And we want those pictures back, Oleg!
without doing the nasty.
Because we're going with
the "hot dishwasher" angle.
Come on, Nash!
Wow. You sure look hot.
that has been left out in the sun.
Yeah. Shoot, baby! Shoot!
What the hell is happening in here?
but you've got to be at
least as good as Ben Affleck.
Hey, Nash, read this.
You... you get it.
not Dance Moms.
They're good for you, which parents love,
And it's, oh, oh, so dirty.
Oh, he's deep-cleaning the shag.
Oh, I thought you were
going to pick up a pen.
and step and bam!
But just 'cause I "Let It Go" down there.
If you can read too, I'll
treat myself to a Snapple.
Whatever cereal it is,
act like it's delicious.
Cereals have changed since I was a kid.
Also, you sent us some
pictures taken by someone
taking the Amtrak in from Philly.
Also, what does "gay for pay" mean?
like so many Baldwin brothers before him.
Did I hear Nash is going "gay for pay"?
I'm meeting someone here
and my phone's about to die.
Girls, meet Marie.
Aired 2 years ago - Apr 20, 2015
When Sophie takes Max and Caroline shopping for their bridesmaids’ dresses, the girls enlist the diner gang’s help to hide the ugliest ones, in the hopes of avoiding complete and utter humiliation.
Thank you, Kirk. I'm going to have to mobilize the community.
- I need to practice more.
- You'll get it there.
What an enormous shock.
If you'd ordered it from me, I would have guaranteed it. You didn't order it from me.
It's nothing funny. It is how you stand in these pants.
The Deans of the world always get the Lindsays.
- mocking me for how alone I am.
- It's mocking you?
not recently like "metrosexual is a word now" recently, but recently.
- The cartoon.
I was walking down the street, and this giant anvil -- yes, mother, it's a cartoon.
- That was the word.
- I've forgotten your point.
This is easily the most pointless conversation we've ever had.
- It's a dog-eat-dog world, Grandpa.
- Don't get the wrong idea.
Is there gonna be a sad little going-away party where he brings in his own cake
Regardless, I hope you will be kind to her at dinner.
And forty-seven cents comes to $5. Thank you, Mrs. Cassini.
Tracy, change out the scoop water. It's an unsightly color.
Kirk, I just had a spat with my sourball distributor, and I'm not in the mood.
and the kids had a blast hunting them down, except the Banyan boys.
- Eggs smell when they decompose.
- I just found that out.
You're being extremely charitable.
You know, my wife's very excited about the merger, Richard -- very excited.
Why can't businessmen do deals over air hockey? I am great at air hockey.
And, Bob, didn't know you were a duffer.
Fine, fine. You know, she really misses Emily -- misses her company.
You know, if it's a meal, we men could tag along if they'd let us.
And it came from him. Who saw this coming?
There'll be seven of us. That's an unbalanced table, but that's okay. Oh, this is wonderful!
Yeah, the one from the inn. Do you see what's going on out there?
I have two papers due, so I'll be in Stars Hollow avoiding the fray.
- She didn't tell you?
It was. It's just that Lindsay and I really need some extra money right now,
I think it's a horrible idea.
- Can't the townhouse wait?
- Jeez, lighten up.
Great. Now you've told me three times. I get it.
the careful, detailed map of where the eggs are hidden
but as my way of thanking you, help yourself to lunch at Doose's market,
at this fine group of volunteers, my heart races with pride.
- Yes, Joe?
- I'm Jewish.
Inspiring your understandable response of "what?" Thus soliciting their childish laughter.
but we're going on to find twenty-five... and then thirty...
Aired 2 years ago - Apr 13, 2015
Max pursues Nashit, a handsome new waiter at The High, despite Joe's "no hook-up" rule.
If you can find one big enough.
- Let's get 'em all out.
- Even the guilty ones.
Oh, I couldn't get away earlier for spring break.
Oh, no, thank you. I don't think we're gonna do the whole spring break thing.
I'll try. Actually, I have to run out and get a new bathing suit
- Are you gonna order?
- I did order, and what is with you?
Hello... stationary. Decide -- yes, no.
I am not wearing my socks.
and it wasn't until I was halfway to work that I realized
- Maybe they're Jess' socks.
- They are not Jess' socks.
Show your support for the Burmese prisoners.
Look at all these hypocrites passing by.
You know me. You room with me. You should have known.
Is that a raindrop?
Paris, you took up the whole thing with your "Hey, Gore,
It's supposed to be spring. Why is it still cold?
I don't know what we are, but I am so cold right now
- Of course I have a bathing suit.
- When was the last time you wore it?
- I have no idea.
- Kid, you've got to learn to lie.
I mean, I don't live here anymore, so I'm not sure what the protocol is.
I know, I know. It's just it's always the good kids who've never had a drink
And take Paris with you everywhere. Not much can happen with that girl along.
Seriously, Paris, get out!
- Thank god you're here.
- Glenn, this is my mom.
- So, how come Paris is driving?
- Are we gonna go through this again?
It is warm. Are you feeling the warmth?
Actually, room 9 has a better view, and it's closer to the ice machine.
Paris Geller, room 9. Remember that.
Oh, man, look at that. We're right on the ocean.
You're aces, pal...really. I'm giving the toast at your wedding.
They'll figure that bed is taken. They will then move on to the couch or the rollaway.
They should all be wearing Shriner hats.
- Why didn't you get me up?
- I tried, and you bit me.
You went out and slaughtered a pig between the running and the French toast?
and you couldn't wait for me to get to the door... this way, you're all set.
- You sure?
- If you want.
Here- it's over here.
We have, like, a hundred towels in the room.
Aired 2 years ago - Mar 30, 2015
Max and Caroline attempt to bring in extra money to help pay off their bank loan by taking second jobs as a pastry chef and a hostess at a chic restaurant.
- I think the eggs were bad.
- The eggs are fine, Kirk.
He knows the exact right jack-to-cheddar ratio.
Okay, she just said, "Hardwood sponge is the authority of the hostile biographer."
No, I'm pretty sure about this one.
This is a newsroom. Do not use the "p" word.
They're not even clichés like "shouting fire in a crowded theater."
Look around this room.
- And my month is up.
Does the red light mean it's programmed?
- Ah, there, it's recording.
- Well, get over here.
Your grandmother. She's gone.
He's completely fallen apart.
All right, the pugs are up next. They're ugly. Let's do this.
Mom, do you think he means "mock turtle soup?"
on exactly how she wants her funeral to be,
Have to go.
Heart in the right place, but never again?
Thank God. He's in his study.
Mock turtle soup?
Oh, well, his parents had an ugly sense of humor then.
Oh, I'm fine, I'm fine.
and I was disrespectful.
That woman raised me and she taught me.
Remember that. I forgot and now I have to live with that for the rest of my life.
Yes, soup. I have soup.
But it used to be Martelli's Florist, yes?
and two of the pallbearers are no longer with us.
She was a saint, that woman!
I'll bring coffee, a Danish. You've never had so much fun with death in your life.
- Hey, it's me.
I was just getting to know her.
at least you know you can work yourself up into a very respectable panic attack.
well, call me if you want to talk or whatever.
You know, Mom, seriously, I can do more than just hand you stuff.
Where do you want us to put them?
Dad's got a Winona in the family? How cool. Who is it?
Your grandmother is to have an open-casket ceremony,
When I first found out, I almost had a coronary, but I've accepted it.
It was not at all uncommon for prominent families to keep the bloodlines closed.
I'm sorry, but I don't understand how everyone was so okay with this.
but I cannot stand by and let you make a terrible mistake.
but not for you.
Aired 2 years ago - Mar 23, 2015
A handsome businessman returns Max and Caroline’s missing cat, Nancy, who comes home with a big surprise.
You enjoy typing to people more than talking to them?
and his pipe and his fancy feathered pen, writing
Okay. What'll you have?
- It makes it easier to limbo under.
- This is my place. I shouldn't have to limbo.
For the love of God, I begged you not to touch anything.
I'm standing in the living room of my very own apartment!
That is so cool. When do you move your stuff in?
I had charts and projections. I wanted to take you out to a nice dinner.
Fine. Okay? That's okay. That's too much.
- and thank her the next time I see her
Look, we single-handedly put your restaurant on the map
You couldn't see the smoke from Stars Hollow? Lettie burned the entrée.
- It's really not appropriate to go out in.
- Well, I did not foresee your burning loin.
- I didn't say I was going shopping, Richard.
- It's an instinct that requires no verbalization.
- Did you?
A lot of hip clientele. He pointed out Moby to me. He's that bald musician.
Well, it looks like a caterpillar now. In two weeks it'll look like a bigger caterpillar.
- They'll be staring at your moustache.
- She speaks. She has the ability.
- What's wrong?
All those e-mails? I'm sorry, but you write less than the people
that I can never read that are supposed to indicate you're laughing
What do you look like. Do you look the same?
Whatever you got. I know you're always busy, but let's do something.
We're skint -- broke. It's British.
But it's been so long. How will we recognize each other?
Look out. Coming through.
- At the moment, we're hiding from Snuggles.
- We are?
Yeah. Oh, that. I'm fine now.
I feel like I should spit or hike up my shorts or something.
Mom and I just wanted to get a nice jump on things today.
- Lunch? This early?
- Our Deano's up at 5:00.
Hey, let's walk arm in arm like window-shopping ladies do in movies.
- Oh, that would look great on you.
- I love blue.
Aired 2 years ago - Mar 09, 2015
Sophie’s wedding shower is interrupted by a hostage situation and Max and Caroline’s cupcake business gets unwanted attention when a tenant is arrested while wearing their company’s T-shirt.
And then the owner dragged him away by the back legs.
- It can sleep when I finish my paper.
- And then there'll be another paper.
I love the hot tip of my soldering iron as it liquefies metal and singes the wires...
Anyone? You know, maybe I misspoke.
You mean that unsightly girth is nature given?
- and get confused all over again.
- Bitter little woman.
Yeah, why don't you go sit all alone in your room
Then you're gonna have to swallow stuff like that and not let it get to you.
You know, maybe it's not Janet's boyfriend I can't be around.
Hello? Pick up, pick up, pick up.
- Wait, hold it. I'm coming.
- I assume you're very proud of me. Talk to you later.
It's certainly as big a moment as, oh, your first baby step and your first fall on your face,
Everyone is going to be sorry one day -- everyone.
- Bad time?
He's offered me a job working on his crew. It's good pay. It's flexible hours.
Good, I just didn't know where we stood after my wedding and all.
- So, I guess I'll take the job.
- Are you still going to school, too?
Lindsay and her mom got a good deal on a family plan, so I signed up.
And you'll have to tell me what that bass thing was that you said.
Make it a semicolon before the clause about interest rates and keep reading.
Agnew was Nixon's vice president. You know we're getting a little off the subject.
Well, this is very romantic. I mean, I'm over here arguing about tile,
Well, guess who's demanding we all make an appearance at lunch?
She wants to have lunch -- sorry, a luncheon -- the day after tomorrow.
If your hair looks a mess, it will be my fault, and I don't need that responsibility right now.
Yes, she can. She can hear sin and depravity and all sorts of lustful things.
that Cindy does after she washes my hair. It makes me think I'm in Tahiti.
Look, it won't take long. It's an easy cut. I'm very low maintenance.
- Hi, Lorelai.
- Hey, Dean. So you're working here?
- Tom, I gotta tell ya, these pipes.
- She's very thrilled about the pipes.
It's just, in the last few weeks, we've been having some cash flow issues.
Okay. Let me talk to Tom for a second, hon. We'll clear it up, really. Go, go.
The thing is, if I don't get paid, I can't pay my guys, then they tend to stop showing up.
One of Jackson, one of the baby, and two of that stove.
Are you suddenly on super-fantastic terms with your parents?
That would be embarrassing.
- I'm still getting ready!
- Then he can sit in the hallway!
- Do not sit Klee.
- It's my place, too.
Just that she thinks you're not dating, and you are. You are, aren't you? Asher Fleming?
- Oh, geez. Paris, you scared me.
- Who else did you blab it to?
- I didn't blab it. I just told Lane.
That suite is crowded enough with the four of us, plus the Jolly Green Giant
but she doesn't belong here, she belongs there. And do me a favor and stop blabbing.
Don't talk to me about Paris.
Aired 2 years ago - Feb 23, 2015
Max and Caroline find out that one of their customers at the diner is actually a successful photographer who has been keeping a secret.
Pick up. Tomato soup, house salad.
No, Max, I'm not powered
by double Ds like you.
She looks like she can't afford it.
You wouldn't be a stud
in a retirement community.
I live alone,
and my plants aren't this needy.
I think it's important to listen to people.
- Close the door!
- Oh, my God!
Look. Oh, God!
Or for the woman
that I'm calling right now?
[hoarsely] Uhh... ah!
What did she say?
some old Russian field?
She said, "I'll see you tomorrow."
Oh, Sophie, it's just you.
You know... unless we pay them to.
Oh! So she wants to die at home.
True...'cause you just lost me.
By who, her old boyfriends?
like a 50-foot python
and what's left of the UPS guy.
Oh, I thought we were going around.
He even let me stay over once
No. Before she hit on me.
I know we don't need to,
Are Oleg's balls here?
and because I couldn't find my way out.
Han, it's the art scene. Class it up.
Uh, Han, I believe I'll stay here.
admiring the photo of the happy
couple under the bridge.
She knows everything.
doesn't mean your life is...
Now I'm a waitress in Manhattan,
That's how many time
your print has been purchased.
who said "my smile on the photo
You're totally a sucess
Man, woman, black, white.
with *** of money you're making
from these photos?
But you can pay me back
in another way.
I never saw your smile as foolish.
I have a question for you.
Look, a good photograph
Look, it's taken me 50 years
to be where I am.
you hold on to that
foolishly hopeful smile.
Why don't we all just stand here quietly
Aired 2 years ago - Feb 16, 2015
Max and Caroline get into a legal battle with two prep school teens who knocked off their cupcake T-shirts and are selling them.
Okay, but she better be good.
They're getting married and
I don't have a wedding donkey
with “No Bueno” written on it.
We're getting hosed by some other hoes.
of myself in my waitress uniform.
in the Eco-Social Dynamics
of Western Civilization.
Yeah, super cute.
Those shirts. You stole them from us.
Ashlin, you talk too much.
And he's gonna kill you.
We are the charity that it needs to go to.
I got like, six or seven months
before I turn to dust.
This is so unfair.
Plus, they have to live with themselves.
You could be his sister.
Oh, it's Oleg's and my safe word.
Are you sure?
of the same name.
I used to deliver drugs to my
mother at work on my tricycle.
We need to get a lawyer.
There's food waiting in the window,
No one's gonna believe
Han's our lawyer, anyway.
Well, no one arrrrrgued with us.
Sorry I'm late. I had to pick up a suit
Do it with your left hand so it
will feel like someone else?
Okay, I created my own
Cease and Desist order.
Here. And Han, I hope
you're a better actor than Max.
No Asian was ever named that.
and turned an orange bath-towel
into a turban.
Han, you stand there and try to look smart.
and the Waiting For Marriage table.
Yeah, attention everyone, attention.
That's like Kanye West trying
to raise money for laying low.
so you could be hands-free
to change the channel.
Let's go. They are making a fortune on us.
Hey, how did you two get in here?
And he is holding our Cease and Desist
He got that CEO guy who admitted
he killed his whole family
but I know a little something
about being bullied.
It's not just the hitting
and the name-calling.
you become just a little less
of who you were meant to be.
Yeah, that's so not cool.
Aired 2 years ago - Feb 09, 2015
Max and Caroline are arrested for breaking into a cute guy’s apartment to recover the rings Caroline left behind after she spent the night.
'cause that bridesmaid spa day is gonna be rough.
Maybe I'll get one of my old sorority sisters
We'll sell some of these at the cupcake window,
We need to just take some to that new bar
as to sell T-shirts out of a duffle bag in a bar?
Feel like the Star Trek: Next Generation bar.
was with a dude with six fingers.
They say "cream filled" on the back.
I've never met a girl at a bar with actual baggage.
Can you, like, do this for me, just, like, once?
I suppose a peck wouldn't...
That was so hot, Max.
But I know that when Jesus returns,
I know it isn't a job well done.
Oleg, can you give us some privacy?
And, yes, it was.
They're half my belongings.
Look, worst-case scenario, the McRib is gone for good.
you can break in and get your stuff.
I also thought Grown Ups 2 should have won the Oscar.
What do I do if he's home?
kind of got you here to begin with.
No, no, no, no, no! Oh, stop licking me.
We got another crack addict here!
Me, myself, spent some time in the juvie system
I mean, ISIS who, right?
for two weeks after we had sex, and I left my rings
We got a two-week rule over here!
What am I gonna tell my father?
Let me guess, our glasses won't be ready in an hour.
Where are we going?
- What? - Do it!
I couldn't even watch The Green Mile.
your face by the bruiser covered in tattoos
As long as nobody dies.
three years in a row, in the 10 to 13 division.
Sophie, I need you to bail me and Caroline out jail.
I mean, I don't know if I can.
Like the old saying, "Tit for bigger tat."
Yeah! And the penis-shaped pasta?
Aired 2 years ago - Feb 02, 2015
Max, Caroline, Earl and Han help Oleg move into Sophie’s apartment until she begins turning away all of his things.
See you later, neighbors.
in our hallway,
that no matter what happens upstairs,
Don't you mean "cats and dogs"?
And also because I have 15 pounds of beef
if it comes down to you or beef,
if we pick up the heat lamps themselves.
Get away from the door!
Open the door, Max.
Oleg, what is all your junk doing out here?
Sophie, I haven't gotten a "Yes" yet,
They locked me outside on the
side of the road for that one.
Put it in there.
In those shorts, I can
actually see a hernia happening.
That baby fell face-down
into mashed potatoes.
Come on! Come on!
for the name of a good hairstylist.
or your mouth wouldn't be moving right now.
That's my lifelike mouth
with authentic jaw action.
Don't you want to know what I was...
Oh, Oleg, Dinner is ready.
I live here now.
Sophie, you really must write
a "how to entertain" book.
That's Grandma Chinski's crystal.
I have a favorite thing too.
He just licked my pinky.
So you're in the right mind-set
to hand-feed a 30-year-old man.
or is this party tense as hell?
What's so bad about it?
They don't seem that big to me.
"Wears a t-shirt in the pool."
Thank you for telling
me to do this, Caroline.
when I suggested something like that.
Yes, I asked you to move in,
This is my drawer.
Who are you, lady?
Oh, you think you're gonna break
"I don't know how much
more of this I can take."
Sorry about that dinner party last night.
and dump it down by the river.
Do you never learn?
You're in the truck?
since I've had therapy myself.
Aired 2 years ago - Jan 19, 2015
Caroline is shocked when she receives a Lamborghini for her birthday, which her father ordered for her four years ago. Meanwhile, Oleg has something big planned for Sophie.
She passed customs, then she passed this.
since her family barn was torched
for a friend's bachelor party.
All my father ever gave me was that one iffy chromosome.
and that rich bitch is paying.
the minute you drive it off the lot.
that I would say yes to anything in.
'Cause yesterday, I heard you yell to Max,
The car is being seized in the morning.
You were rich.
You heard how much she liked it.
I can't return the car with scratches, dents,
No red drinks in the car.
I don't see why we have to just sit here.
Same reason I don't go to the 99 Cent Store.
I personally made five vodka Sprites disappear.
You'll feel better tomorrow when you wake up.
I drove us out to the Hamptons.
You farted twice.
Of course I did.
What is wrong with you?
on a joyride to the Hamptons?
You drove over the dunes and onto the beach?
Max, get out of the car, and help me look for scratches.
But thanks to you, I'm a Rent-A-Wreck.
No. No way. Let's go.
Oh, yeah. That feels nice.
You've never been to a beach?
like something from Back to the Future.
to communicate anymore.
I've had less trouble getting out of athlete's apartments.
Sand and heels. Not a good combo.
I can't believe that I can't believe it,
You know, all this time,
I would be, but I only have two bars.
or we owe $450,000.
I'm pushing us out of here.
Driving a Lamborghini slow is like going to Red Lobster
Aired 2 years ago - Jan 05, 2015
Max and Caroline select a factory to produce their cupcake T-shirts, but become suspicious of the work conditions there due to their overly-enthusiastic employees.
have ever found an ace in their hole?
and worst factory of all,
the cheesecake factory.
Hi, great news!
Well, I don't want to clean you out,
Hey, there's a need for
this. Sometimes, in the fog,
Yeah, we're really out.
[gasps] Wow, this is amazing!
I know, right? Not at American Ace.
We've been at the diner four years,
You look like you have money,
Tall guys with small penises?
Look, "Ace", we're not
about to give you $10,000
When it comes to factories,
so, we're here today to...
Hey, you know what's cool?
(Caroline) The employees
look happy and successful.
Come on, let's slip out
while Ace has got his head
So anyways, I'm part owner,
and I clean the bathroom.
Fridays after work, we all hang
next door at Tortilla Flats.
I want to see it, but I
want to see a lot of things.
It's a vagina wig.
Han, I need to know if
I got the texture right,
working on my African/American line.
Well, I guess I was
wrong about the factory.
Once again, I was fooled by ice cream.
Call the guy, the one
who thinks you're pretty.
in some hair south of the border.
before the end of the appetizers.
Hey, tell me, what do
you girls like to do?
out of Rico. He's so preoccupied
This is Carmen. She
works at the factory too.
but Rico's pit bull
doesn't like other girls.
We have a love that is deep and real,
Yup... Exactly what I expected.
I always knew we'd dye together.
Max, we gotta go. My life
can't end wearing grey.
We just have to show them who's boss.
and the one in the
wheelchair, I'd stay clear.
Not at all. I mean, come on.
Look busy, keep your eyes open.
I knew it! Toddler slaves.
See, I knew it, you two aren't gay.
It's... no, no, no, no, no! It's not on.
Aired 2 years ago - Dec 15, 2014
Max and Caroline get a bank loan so they can mass-produce their cupcake T-shirts to sell at high-end boutiques. Also, the diner gang poses in Chestnut’s barn as part of a holiday decorating contest Sophie entered.
People just got the nothing big
they were expecting.
I figured that's how
you always have to do it.
Mine has a chainsaw.
Fill a Starbucks cup with vodka.
Wow, that's the first time protection's
Well, I got to beat my nemesis,
or I'm going to give up
and go to Radio Shack
Trying to get caught on security cameras?
Okay, I hear you. No loan.
I'd say we ask for $15,000.
I died in a boat explosion years ago.
You're the business genius.
What do I know?
The bank's there. Our shirt's in here.
I'm not in love with you anymore.
Oh, I have a money-maker
and that's not it.
And there's no reason we can't
sell ours for just as much.
Just trust me, okay?
We're not allowed to say Christmas.
It must be hard to not be high and be you.
all sorts of "no," okay?
I'll tell you two what
I said to a young Marc Jacobs.
What are you? American Psycho?
You also think Michael Buble rocks.
I'll take ten.
I need to place a rush t-shirt order.
Sophie is getting the country house
I need 50 t-shirts by Friday.
you can help me with?"
When did you help me at all?
Max, we can't give up.
We can do them ourselves.
And a front side that shouldn't
be allowed outside.
Aren't small creatures
supposed to be fast?
You haven't even given me water.
'Cause those bruises could be from anyone.
since she woke up mid-coitus last night.
Otherwise I wouldn't be standing here
next to Kim Jong-Only-Done-One.
Oh, Caroline, this is probably
how you feel every day.
and $25,000 worth of
Target Christmas decorations.
Oh yeah, I hear you, girls.
for a live nativity scene, which
you would all have to be in.
I can't believe you're in such
a good mood with that beard.
Yeah, you are. But I'm still surprised
Angel, Shepherd, Lady with the beard,
How did you know?
Oh, that's right, Felka.
Dump the kid, I'll be upstairs.
Aired 2 years ago - Dec 08, 2014
When Max and Caroline put their apartment up for rent on AirBnb, claiming it offers an authentic “Williamsburg experience,” a group of supermodels decide it would be a fun place for a girls’ weekend.
And I'm right here, Earl.
Would you mind letting us
stay upstairs at your place?
So when are these losers arriving?
Hi, are you Caroline?
This one is the girl
that I leave this one for.
Got fired for eating panda
express over the thongs.
Come in. Welcome to
"The Williamsburg Experience."
Question: How do you
walk the runway blind?
So as advertised, this is our sauna.
I guess I just did.
I want to get to my college reunion.
So we've known each other
like five minutes already.
Sophie's apartment is amazing.
I was getting really tired
of hearing how someone thought
Probably found our account
balance on an ATM slip.
They do it a little differently.
I can't take my eyes off those beers.
and we don't want you guys
to embarrass us and overreact.
I really want that "100th
birthday" shout out
You also wore the wrong
face, body, and personality.
so where's that free bra?
My specialty, popsicles.
to the biggest party in our apartment
"Go back to sleep"?
for bras like some
bra-less homeless person.
I thought you were the
man with the Greek food.
No, I stayed in town to spy on Oleg.
Just kidding, it's yours.
But you know the old saying:
or a bible.
The key is to be on the
list, which you are not.
I've been trying to get out of.
with my night vision goggles.
No, they are not!
Oleg, let me just say this:
and you are never gonna
do better than Sophie.
(Lily) Caroline! Max!
Come down here! Hurry!
No, it'll just make me hornier.
You think you're tough?
But, toilet, I got this.
without chewing it? Good times.
Aired 3 years ago - Nov 24, 2014
Max and Caroline's partnership - and friendship - is almost torn apart when Caroline drags Max to a seminar to help brand their cupcake business.
Well, I'm open to getting a
new sign that says "closed."
A three way with Tommy Lee?
Romantic and will help
identify the bodies.
I poop at McDonald's 'cause I'm a lady.
we made only $15, right?
Okay, look, here is $15.
This is a very big day for me.
I signed us up for this seminar.
This is a business intervention.
Guys giving me a bump
is why they threw me
I learned from my father, whoever he is.
Here. Here, Pamela.
Now, you all are here today
or Mahatma Gandhi, God.
When it comes to business,
Can what you do! Get it?
Inside those cans, you will find the key
I like to think of those
things you're holding
that you feel is just bull,
All right, cool, but is it
a long way to the buffet?
Blame the heavy cream
at the fettuccini bar.
See, I dance.
Your brilliant business brand.
Yeah, but they're still cool.
partners' ships will sail
in two different directions,
I got it.
and I'll help guide
you toward that purpose.
the rest of our lives.
was alone on the Tilt-A-Whirl?
Okay, first of all, it
sounds like fart-isan,
I'd rather go with Fart-isan.
to make me think we're selling more.
the word business "bidness"?
Your big business plan is cupcakes
So funny if, like, a
hot girl was wearing it.
So how about tomorrow,
I'll sail my ship,
So, Hannah, Todd, go.
So far, no truth balls.
Yes, we did.
She just got out of rehab.
Okay, well, then I hope
you enjoy lots of balls
I am feeling it!
Yeah. Oh! All right, all right.
No, no, no, see, it's a cupcake,
this seminar is so not
worth the $1,000 I paid.
Max, I don't have to go up there.
Why Max's cupcakes?
Aired 3 years ago - Nov 17, 2014
Caroline takes an abandoned bicycle in order to start a delivery service for their cupcake business, but discovers that Max never learned how to ride one.
and suddenly, a $5 cupcake
is bringing in more money.
As in, there's no time
you should wear those.
So why are you trying out
the fancy mesh tonight?
So, Chestnut, I was buying
some rolling papers
Now it looks like a contestant
on RuPaul's bike race.
And while you bike, I'll get baked.
Ah, Max, I'm so glad you're alone,
He couldn't get his soldier
to stand at attention,
You don't think it could be me, do you?
Remember when I said you
didn't have to do deliveries?
But first, business affirmation.
Caroline, can I talk to you
about a private matter,
You're probably just scared.
Again, over my head.
Come on, come on. In or out.
I can't use the bike,
I have to use the car.
and he's laughing at her too.
Max, are you up?
Who do you think you are busting in here
“never having a blonde roommate.”
Nice kid, solid hopscotcher.
You mean his dad?
but then he flipped up over the handlebars
I saw Tommy's teeth
had busted through his cheek.
Every time I see a bike,
I think of his little face
and 1 out of the 12 jurors agreed.
and if you get on a bike,
I will give you four.
Oh, hell no!
out of the side of my face.
It's fun, see? Whee!
I have no use for a bar
that can't get me drunk.
and it's pretty hard.
Maybe try barking at it again.
and one, “your butt
looks good in those jeans.”
I was too busy knowing how to ride a bike.
The other one is located
right above this bar.
[Bell rings] Table ten. Pick up, Max.
my cousin in Florida is a good one,
I think you mean the
Ginger ale is out of you.
Were you able to do the thing,
you know, the man does
Aired 3 years ago - Nov 10, 2014
When Caroline accidentally loses Han’s expensive fish while cleaning the tank, Max considers selling a sentimental gift she just received from her mother in order to pay for a new one.
Oh, my God, I used to have room service.
I will go to my shallow, unmarked grave
How did my mom ever keep that?
for parking at the casino.
Yeah, and I think, uh,
he had a little bit of polio.
I smashed that
with a rock and made my own.
You had four C batteries
in your nightstand?
Oh, I'm sorry, girls.
and pretty bad.
I don't know.
Is that your little Max voice?
Like I couldn't picture me eating fruit
This is why you're single, Rita.
Well, I'm sending
T-Rux back to my mother.
Oh... my... God!
So bitchy. Love her.
She couldn't find
a man till late in life.
is a cardboard shanty town
outside of big lots.
I was just offered $500 for T-Rux
She doesn't get off that easy.
and take out the floating matter.
Han, you're kind of a baller
around your fish.
Jack, he's talking to you.
Thank you so much for
seeing us so quickly.
for the fish money because of me.
His umbilical cord is a Gucci belt.
Not to play with, they
were used as decoys
Now while I get my check book,
say hello to the Olsens.
That nice lady out there,
giving you everything you want,
from a ball-peen hammer.
I mean, all I wanted to do
was touch the life-size Barbie.
But that's "little you" in there, Max.
Well, I guess he's just
gonna have to grow up.
I got it cheap. It was a foreclosure.
Oh, yeah, he loves that little house.
'cause I don't want it to get cold.
Oh, just say it!
It's the damn fish's birthday?
Even at Han's age, which I am guessing
Caroline will do it for $500.
Yes, Father Dominic Rosello, please.
Oh, yeah, yeah, he'll understand.
I have a whole new respect for every guy
Aired 3 years ago - Nov 03, 2014
Max is embarrassed when she discovers her Tuesday night boyfriend is a DJ at a grocery chain.
Oh, he's inviting you
to come see him DJ.
Is on his back
and for the fourth time.
Don't kid yourself.
All right, weather report:
Yeah, and your apartment, twice.
I think you're both right.
So it's an STDVD?
[text message dings]
I know what it is.
Max, we can start looking
for the club.
He's DJ'ing next to radishes.
Is Chuck E. Cheese closed?
Let's go. I can't believe
I wore these for this.
No! He didn't show at all.
Which is the lamest thing
I've ever seen,
In the Gulf of Mexico
isn't the bomb?
Maybe sebastian needs
the money, too.
Hey, I wasn't sure
if it was too late to come by
Yeah, Ouija helps me make
all my big decisions.
Aw, come on, girls, look around.
[dance music plays]
No, we can't leave now.
I can't watch any more people
Why don't I take a break
and we can go in the back.
Uh, no I'm not,
'cause you won't go away.
- Oh, my God! Hi!
Oh, good, 'cause I heard
you were still poor
In those three-year-old
Louboutins, I got worried.
Hilary's still here.
cashier, Princess Jasmine in the
Disney Electric Light Parade.
not the Kelly
with the bald spot.
I am a cashier.
Let me just weigh your salad.
Well, that's dinosaur kale.
Is that not how it's done?
Here. You're holding up
I don't know how they made it
all the way to the loading dock.
Don't push it.
Aired 3 years ago - Oct 27, 2014
A reality show producer approaches Max and Caroline about shooting an episode of 'Keeping Up With The Kardashians' at their cupcake window.
The restaurant and diner association.
No way. No new menu additions.
But the hot butter drizzling down my chin
This guy's a plumber. Are you kidding me?
No, wait, she saw her husband on tinder.
They're like the Kennedys but with bigger asses.
We're the owners of this store.
Would you be interested in having
Ooh, maybe 16 and Pregnant is doing
And I'm closing a window.
Kim, Kamber, Klondike...
Okay, tell me one good thing about this show that I hate,
Well, which episode do you want to watch?
and 53 on the one in the bedroom.
when she says it, like this.
It would've been called, Keeping up with the Kachinskis.
Mm-hmm. Kris and Kim are in Vienna
But when I come back, I want you two to be out of here
Kris will see me and recognize me as one of her own
There has been a change.
Sorry, she's not coming.
What's going on?
And these three... "Get" "A" "Job."
In our reality show, it's not.
The whole situation! Do something!
It's so odd.
'cause I'd rather die than cut my hair.
Yeah, I'm familiar.
Who could that be?
I've already burned ten of these.
and you're still just laying here, right?
You've lived without plumbing.
I hope you're happy.
It's bigger than I'm used to.
Kiki tweet, Kiki tweet, Kiki tweet!